Author's Note: Special thanks go out to the one and only Constable Paperbag for throwing together this beautiful cover art in about five minutes.

The weight Jaune Arc carried over his shoulders felt like a sack of potatoes. A living, breathing, sack of potatoes.

"I guess this is where the term dead weight comes from," he quipped as he carried the fully grown woman across his back. Luckily in a fireman's carry even dead weight could easily be lifted and carried. Especially when he was a big boi and she was an average sized woman.

The vault under Beacon Academy was surprisingly well-lit for a place where no one ever ventured. At least not until the Vytal Festival had begun. At least that had been his experience. Jaune had been here hundreds of times, and most of them were the same. Sure there was the occasional deviation from the timeline, usually caused by himself, but for the most part he knew he was safe at the moment. Ozpin wouldn't bother checking up on this place, or the woman he carried with him, for another few months.

"I can't believe I spent one of my lives finding a way to heal you just so I could bang you," he told the comatose woman over his shoulders. "Fun times."

Amber said nothing being, well, comatose and all. She'd been stuck in her pod since being attacked by Cinder and her cohorts, awaiting a time in which she could either be healed or have her maiden power forcibly transferred. Only on one occasion had she actually been successfully healed, by Jaune himself. And then he'd kissed her just like Prince Charming waking up the princess in the fairy tales, and they'd lived happily ever after.

At least until he died again. Then he'd start all over and find a new chick to get with.

Because when you were gifted with the ability to reincarnate over and over and over again, wasn't hooking up with hot huntresses really the most important thing?

Ruby had been simple. All he had to do the day he met his best friend was tell her how much he enjoyed weapons and that he wanted to be a hero and all that junk. She'd been hooked on him instantly, and all too willing to be his first, and him be hers. She was a sweet and romantic lover, one who enjoyed eye contact and gentle kissing. The total package too. Ruboobies. Rubooty. Rubelly… Ruby had it all. Considering that she was the first girl he met at Beacon, Jaune was convinced Ruby should have been his OTP.

Weiss on the other hand was a total bitch, but with a few choice wardrobe and attitude adjustments he was able to basically become a blond Neptune and woo the Ice Queen off her feet and into bed. Shallow cunt. He'd always known that Weiss had a stick up her ass, but he never would have expected her love of being bent over and given a suppository of premium Arc spunk. And thus Weiss Schnee – Anal Queen had been born.

Blake as it turned out was a total weeb. She was into roleplay, and loved some weird hentai stuff with ninjas and tentacles. She'd always been a quiet nerd type, but as it turned out the quiet nerdy girls were the biggest freaks of all. When they weren't reenacting scenes from Ninjas of Love, she was tying him up and dripping hot candle wax on his bare chest while holding Glynda's riding crop in one hand and reciting weird Mistrali poetry.

Then there was Yang. Brothers, Yang. Thank the gods for Yang… and her tits. One of his death's came courtesy of being asphyxiated in her boobs in the middle of sex, but it had been the best way to go yet. Way better than the time he banged Cinder and she'd literally burnt him alive afterward like she was some sort of crazy fire praying mantis.

Pyrrha had been something else. For all her shy and polite demeanor, she was an animal in bed. A competitor through and through, the moment Jaune had expressed interest in her the night before Initiation she'd jumped him, stripping their clothes and riding him until he had unlocked his Aura through all the stress and trauma she'd inflicted on his poor pelvis. But wow, did she have the body of a champion, perhaps second to only Yang's.

"Almost there," he told the living plot device as he neared the door which held the Relic of Choice behind it. "And then Operation Bang-a-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-grand-MILF can begin."

It was the ultimate plan. One he'd spent millennia crafting. Or if he were being more honest with himself, about an hour tops. Yup. Very little effort went into this idea he was crafting at this very moment. Very little planning. Very little forethought. Just a desire to see it put into action to see how it would feel. And perhaps more importantly, to see how others would react to it.

Living as many lifetimes as Jaune had, he'd fucked every girl with a name he knew who wasn't related to him multiple times. He'd started out with girls he knew and loved. Ruby, Weiss. Blake and Yang. Pyrrha had been a breeze. Nora a bit harder. Coco and Velvet. Exchange students like Octavia and Dew. Lisa Lavender. Deery the faunus terrorist. Yang's mom and Weiss' mom. Even Cinder and Emerald. There'd even been that one timeline where a female version of Sun had existed instead of the usual male. A girl showing off abs like that should have been criminal, but Jaune still enjoyed every minute of it. Eventually after hundreds of lives he'd gone through every girl he knew, until there was only one left.

The Queen of the Grimm herself. The one who was ultimately behind almost every death he'd ever faced.

Salem.

"Okay, here we are," he told Amber as they reached the vault door. Throwing the woman off his shoulders like he was about to give her a Go To Sleep, Jaune caught her in his arms before tossing her at the door. Amber bounced off it with a dull clang, and landed on the marble floor with a thud.

Then it happened. Ancient gears began to whirl and turn, and the sound of doors warded by forgotten magic groaned as they began to open up for him like so many girl's legs had in past lives. Jaune stared in wonder as a strange pocket dimension was revealed to him, and a lone pillar stood in a vast desert somewhere in the world, or perhaps some sort of alternate reality.

Stepping over Amber's drooling body, Jaune strode into the desert to gaze upon the tool he needed in order to continue his quest. A mysterious and powerful device; its mystery exceeded only by its power.

The Relic of Choice.

"Yoink!"

Grasping the crown, Jaune held it high above his head like a conquering hero would a trophy. Soon he would conquer another lady's heart and loins. Just like all the others.

"New timelines are always so exciting," he said to himself as he once more stepped over Amber's prone body. He frowned, and putting the crown atop his head, picked the poor woman up. He wasn't heartless after all. "Come on, let's get you back to your pod. Cinder needs a target for the fall of Beacon after all. That is, unless…"

He giggled stupidly as he thought about the possibilities for this new life of his. Like in a video game trying out a new class or a new path to go down, he wondered what his next choice in waifus would bring him. He hadn't been to Evernight Castle in centuries. He wondered if he still knew his way around the place.

Only one way to find out. Look out, Mommy Salami! Jaune Arc – Professional Huniepopper Extraordinaire was on the prowl!

Salem liked time. It was a funny little thing. There was so much, yet so little of it.

Plans were delicate things, often coming down to a precise minute or even second in order to succeed or fail. Time was of the essence. You could run out of time. And yet…

She had all the time in the world to achieve her goals. An eternity to gather the relics and secure the maiden powers for herself. Time was of no consequence to the Queen of the Grimm.

Time. A glance down at Discount Tock curled up at the foot of her throne made her feel nostalgic. She missed the crocodile faunus. Tyrian had his uses, but he was no Tock. She missed the accent most of all. Maybe that Beacon second year rabbit faunus Velvet Scarlatina could be convinced to become the new Tock…

Sitting in her throne room in Evernight Castle, Salem had nothing to do but wait to hear a progress report from Cinder. Her favorite student was busy making a mess of things in Vale, and it was still several months away until the Vytal Festival. Until then she had to find ways to entertain herself. Most of those involved making new Grimm. A horse body with a guy's torso stuck on top of it? Hilarious! What would she think of next? A dog and a cat with their torsos fused back to back? It was a good thing Grimm didn't need to poop, otherwise that would have been awkward.

The opening of her chamber door announced the presence of Hazel. The big beefy burly man stepped inside before dropping to a knee before her.

"Your Majesty," he spoke, bowing before her. "There is…"

Salem brought a hand up to her chin, rubbing it thoughtfully. "Go on."

"There is an intruder," he finally said. As if the man couldn't believe it himself. Salem couldn't blame him. She couldn't either.

Tyrian stood up from his nap at her feet. "An intruder?" he asked excitedly. He clapped his hands together in glee. "Oh goodie! May I have the honor of dealing with him?"

Before Salem could indulge her minion, the sound of Doctor Watts' voice over the castle's snazzy new speaker system blared in the room. "He's already breached the outer walls. He's approaching the throne room."

The sounds of angry and dying Beowolves filled the ancient woman's ears. She saw how Tyrian's fingers flexed impatiently as he awaited the command to kill the intruder. Hazel had come to stand by her side on her throne, ready to use himself as a shield in order to protect his Queen. A foolish and unnecessary gesture. She could not die. Not by the hands of this foolish mortal.

Eventually the sounds of her Grimm sentries had died down, quite literally too.

Deafening silence hung in the room, and Salem waited with bated breath for the future dead huntsman to show himself. Finally he did, and the man stepped through the entrance to her throne room, sword and shield worn and sullied from use. A pair of yellow crescents stood proudly on a white heater shield, and she frowned at the use of two 'metallic' colors as a heraldic sigil. She was about to chastise the young man for such a thing, but she soon realized that it wasn't a man at all.

No, not yet a man. A… boy… Or at the very least, a teenager. By the looks of it, maybe a student at one of Remnant's four prestigious huntsmen academies? But how had he found his way here? And why?

"Salem," he said, causing the woman's head to tilt in interest. How did he know her name? "We finally meet face to face once again."

Once again? The Queen of the Grimm frowned at such a greeting. "I beg your pardon, but I cannot recall ever meeting you before. Mister…?"

"Arc," he said smoothly. "Jaune Arc. Short. Sweet. Rolls off the tongue. Ladies love it."

Salem quirked an eyebrow. He was… a peculiar one to be sure.

Tyian turned toward her, the manic look in his eyes offering no subtly in what he wished from her. "May I kill him, my goddess?" he all but begged. "I'll make it slow and agonizing and provide you with a wealth of entertainment for the evening…"

She felt inclined to do so. At least, until Jaune spoke up once more.

"Tyrian, she doesn't love you," he said, sounding almost saddened by the words. They were true… but it wasn't like Salem would ever admit as much to her loyal minion. "And she's never going to fuck you. Sorry. She's not. So stop being such a simp, get a life, and find an actual girlfriend who'll love you back. Okay?"

The scorpion faunus was shaking with barely-contained rage. If it wasn't for her presence he would have already attacked the blond boy by now. Yet he still waited on her command like a loyal attack dog. Salem declined giving such an order quite yet. Tyrian may not have liked it, but she found this boy who seemingly felt no fear quite interesting…

"You… you…" the psychopath snarled, practically salivating at the lips.

"You talk too much," Hazel said, taking a step forward. Large, hairy knuckles cracked as he looked ready to pulverize Jaune into a pile of ground beef. "Big mouths get in big trouble."

"Oh shut up, Hazel," Jaune scoffed dismissively. "Go off and cry more about your sister."

Salem's eyebrows rose, and her attention turned back to Hazel to gauge his reaction. She wasn't disappointed.

"How… how do you…"

Jaune's shield collapsed into a sheath, and he hung it at his belt before he shoved his long sword inside of it. "You know it doesn't really make sense that your sister was killed by the Grimm, and yet you work for their queen. Not a great plan."

Again, Jaune wasn't wrong. Salem still didn't know how she'd managed to pull that one off. She only hoped that this boy bringing Hazel even a tiny shred of logic wouldn't turn him traitor.

"You… I'll kill you…" Hazel grunted.

"Ozpin."

"Ozpin!"

With that magic word Hazel flew into a rage, and began beating his fists against his chest before stomping around the throne room like a child throwing a temper tantrum. Salem watched with curiosity as a few choice words had reduced yet another one of her minions to an emotional wreck.

There was an air of mystery around this boy which piqued her interest. Who was Jaune Arc, and how did he know so much about the world? About herself and Ozpin? How was he so confident in his words? And why was he utterly fearless in the face of both the Queen of the Grimm and her deadly subjects?

It was as if he had nothing to lose. Or that he couldn't be harmed. Was it possible that he was immortal like she was?

"Your majesty, this is preposterous," the voice of Arthur Watts said over the speaker from his remote laboratory. "Simply kill the boy and be done with it. There's important work to be done."

"Waah! Tiny Tin Jim didn't like me and my research!" Jaune cried mockingly. "Ironwood-Senpai didn't notice me!"

A pair of red eyes glanced up to the ceiling where the speakers were installed. A single sniffle came through them, and in an instant Salem knew that Jaune had triggered Watts as well.

"Ironwood never recognized my greatness…" the man whispered, biting back tears by the sound of it. "He… he… he didn't understand my vision!"

The speakers went silent, and Salem assumed that Watts had gone to devour a gallon of ice cream or whatever it was that losers like him did when they were sad. She had to admit, it was satisfying. A worthy way to take her mind off of the boredom that consumed her after being alive for untold millennia.

Salem giggled on her throne as she watched her minions get verbally eviscerated by this boy with no fear. She hadn't had this much fun in years.

She brought her hands together, clapping slowly in appreciation for the boy who stood a few yards in front of her. A genuine smile graced her lips, and she looked upon Jaune not with murderous intent as her minions did, but instead with a fondness she'd not felt in a very, very long time.

Not since Tock, at least.

"Bravo, Jaune Arc," she clapped, her lips pulling back to reveal her teeth as she grinned. "Bravo. I must confess that this little display has been highly amusing, and it is for this reason alone that I will allow you to leave with your life."

"Thanks, Salem. I aim to please."

"Quite so." She sighed forlornly, knowing that all good things must come to an end. "However, I'm afraid that I must put an end to this farce and send you on your way. We have work to accomplish here, and I can't have my most trusted minions…"

Tyrian was practically convulsing on the floor in anger. Hazel was rampaging about like he'd just been hit with a burst of gamma radiation. And Watts… Watts was somewhere sulking like he did every time someone pressed the Ironwood button.

"Incapacitated," she chose to say diplomatically. "Now you seemed to have no problem finding your way here, so I'll let you see yourself out."

Jaune took a step forward. "I'm afraid I can't do that, Salem. I haven't gotten to you yet."

"Oh?" she asked, her curiosity once more piqued. Her elbow rested on the arm of her throne, and she held her chin in the palm of her hand as she gazed upon Jaune. "You seek your own death by hurling insults and threats in my direction?"

"No way, never," he insisted, taking another few steps toward her. "A woman of your grace and beauty deserves nothing but praise. Praise, and gifts."

Salem chuckled. What a silly little boy. "It's been millennia since anyone's called me beautiful. This one…" she paused, glancing down at Tyrian. "Would never have the courage to say such a thing to my face." She looked back up at Jaune and smiled warmly at him. "If that was your gift to me then I will graciously accept it. But I believe it's time for you to leave."

"Nah, you deserve a way better gift than that." Jaune reached underneath his armor into the pocket of his black hooded sweatshirt and pulled something out.

It took but a second for Salem to recognize it. She stood from her throne, eyes wide and staring at her gift. "Is that…"

"The Relic of Choice? Yup," he smiled boyishly. "Stolen right from underneath Ozpin's nose."

"Ozpin!" Hazel roared.

Salem ignored the outburst. She'd developed tunnel vision for Jaune, and her eyes narrowed at the boy before her. "How…"

"Does it matter how?" he asked as he approached her with no regard for his own safety. Not even the rabid growling of Tyrian at her feet dissuaded him as he neared her.

Holding the crown in both hands, Jaune raised it over his head, and Salem read the unspoken message loud and clear. She sat back down on her throne and allowed Jaune to place the relic atop her head.

It was the perfect fit. For the first time ever she had a relic in her possession. It felt amazing. Incredible. She was one step closer in a plan that up until this point had stagnated for thousands of years…

"A queen deserves a crown," Jaune said knowingly.

Salem nodded. "Ozpin never gave me a crown…"

"Oz-"

"Shut up!" she bellowed at the hulking behemoth.

Hazel's mouth closed immediately.

"Ozpin isn't worth your time or attention. He's a loser who's had thousands of years to come up with some sort of plan to stop you and hasn't done anything. But I on the other hand…" he said coolly, taking one of her hands in his own and raising it to his lips. "Know what it takes to satisfy a queen. I know how to show her the love and affection she truly deserves…"

The light peck on the back of her hand filled Salem with something she hadn't felt in eons. Love. Actual love. Yet here and now, as she stared up into the warm, blue eyes of Jaune… something inside her was stirring.

"I must admit," she said softly, her pale cheeks blushing. "You've made a grand entrance…"

It was like being rescued from the tower that imprisoned her all over again. Jaune had come to her fortress of solitude and put her minions in their place. He was strong. Confident. Quick-witted. And above all else, he knew how to show her the proper attention and respect that she knew she deserved.

"Only just the beginning, I can promise you that," he smiled. "With me by your side we can bring the kingdoms of men to their knees. I'll bring you the four relics and the maidens, and you will rule Remnant as its dark and beautiful queen for all eternity.

Salem felt her skin growing warmer and warmer. He was saying all the right things. More importantly, however, he was doing all the right things. Actions spoke louder than words, and he'd already given her a relic. This could be the beginning of a beautiful partnership…

A hand came up to rub her neck. Was it hot in here or was it just her? Salem undid the button of her dress just above her boob window, and the fabric around her neck loosened to reveal yet more smooth, porcelain skin.

"You make a tempting offer, Jaune…" she admitted. "Come, sit upon my throne."

"But you're still on it," he pointed out.

Salem grinned. "I know."

After a brief moment of hesitation, the first he'd shown since arriving to her throne room, Jaune settled in atop her lap. He was tall, but so was she. They were probably of equal height. They would make a fine couple, with his blond hair and blue eyes, and her white hair and red eyes.

Still, as she snaked her hands around his waist to hold him tightly against her breasts, she couldn't help but ask a question he'd already answered. "Who are you?" she wondered genuinely. A bemused smile played on her lips as she truly wanted to know just who this knowledgeable and fearless boy was.

"I'm Jaune," he smiled back, turning his head so that he could look her in the eyes. He brought his lips closer to her ear. "And I've come to clap that pale white ass of yours, and give you your first orgasm in thousands of years."

Salem shuddered at those raw, primal words. No man she knew would have been so bold in propositioning her like that. Or telling to her face that she must be starved for affection after being without a lover for thousands of years. Yet, it was so true…

Her smile deepened. "Is that so? Prove it."

Below her Tyrian scurried to his feet, almost tripping over his tail as he stood before his queen and her new consort who sat atop her lap. "M-m'goddess! You can't!" he pleaded.

She laughed humorlessly. "Go to your room, Tyrian." Licking her lips, Salem's hungry gaze turned back to the young man who was warming her yearning lap. "Mama has a busy night ahead of her, so turn up the volume on your TV if you don't want to hear it."

Not wanting to waste anymore time, Salem stood up with Jaune and led him by the hand to her bed chambers.

Slap slap slap slap slap!

True to his word, Jaune was indeed clapping those cheeks.

"Ugh! Uhh! Uuuhhhh!"

Slap slap slap slap slap!

Thicc, ancient cheeks. White and pure as freshly fallen snow, quickly having been sullied and defiled by his hard, throbbing cock.

"Ugh! Oh Jaune!"

Slap slap slap slap slap!

Like a pair of marshmallows, and with a color to match them, Jaune kept bouncing off that sweet, pillowy ass of Salem as he had been for the past two hours.

"Yes! Pound me, Jaune! Pound me!"

Jaune had Salem bent over on her bed, smacking his hips against her over and over again and making her moan in ecstasy. Millennia of death and rebirth had taught him how to be an excellent lover, and he'd memorized the Kamasutra from cover to cover.

His large hands were clamped firmly on Salem's fat cheeks, hammering into soft cushions the likes of which he'd never felt before. Not even Kali Belladonna had an ass this great, and she was the original Bellabooty!

Some men may have found the red veins which covered Salem's body to be a turnoff, but after having literally every woman he could think of, sometimes you needed a little bit of variety. Not everyone could have Yang's perfect ten out of ten figure. Sometimes it was a person's imperfections that made them beautiful. In the case of Salem, her veins were just that.

And her nice fat ass.

He slapped said fat ass, causing Salem to scream with pleasure as her legs buckled beneath her. Jaune continued to wail on her thick rump, unleashing thousands of years of pent-up frustration and anger on the woman as he spanked her over and over again until her pasty rear end was red like roses.

"Oh fuck you know just how I like it!" she screamed as Jaune abused her bootylicious butt. "Punish me, Jaune! I've been a bad queen!"

Well how about that.

Eventually Jaune's hand began to hurt after smacking that juicy ass too much. To soothe it he reached underneath Salem's body as he continued to smack his hips away at her ass, grabbing her tig ole bitties and squeezing them harshly like a pair of enormous stress balls even as his balls relieved her own stress.

"Yes! Squeeze my huge tits!"

Wow. This chick really liked it rough. But then again should he really be surprised by that sort of behavior from someone like Salem?

He groped and pinched, hanging onto breasts that were bigger than what his hands could hold as he humped the woman underneath him vigorously. They were so soft and squishy, and Jaune couldn't get enough of her big white milkers.

"Oh! Yes! Grope me, Jaune! These tits are for you!"

Hearing the Queen of the Grimm moaning like a cheap whore as he rutted her was the sweetest sound Jaune had heard in all his lifetimes. It'd been surprisingly easy too. It had taken little effort to warm Salem's icy heart and open her pale legs to him. Just how dry had the well been when he'd arrived? According to her, millennia.

No wonder she was so tight for a woman her age.

Jaune pulled out, and without giving her a chance to protest he rolled her over onto her back and spread her legs apart. Stepping forward, he plunged back in and grabbed hold of her legs as he returned to hammering her sopping-wet cunt.

"Oh gods! Yes!" she wailed, tits jiggling as Jaune renewed his assault on his new queen, shaking the bed and causing it to groan almost as much as Salem herself. "More!" she begged. "More!"

Not one to leave a waifu wanting, Jaune picked up the pace and hammered so deeply into Salem that even Schnee dust miners would be jealous of just how far he was digging. Salem's eyes were rolling up in the back of her head, and her tongue hung out loosely as his masterful dicking skills were turning the pale beauty into a living, breathing ahegao drawing.

"Ah! Ah! Ahhh!" she panted, each thrust of his long lance driving the breath from his lover's lungs.

Jaune brought Salem's legs up onto his shoulders, caressing her soft, supple skin as he pounded away at her. Salem had some thick thighs which could save lives. Someday he'd have to put his face between them and have them squeeze down on his head while he ate her pussy.

"I can't!" she screamed, long and powerful legs squirming even as Jaune's hold on them tightened. "I can't hold on! I'm cumming, Jaune! I'm cumming!"

Being the ultimate protagonist that he was, Jaune had learned the art of sex and how to orgasm at the exact same time as his lover. As Salem's body squirmed and contorted underneath him, Jaune prepared to unleash a stream of potent Arc seed so powerful that he feared that she would be knocked back as if hit by a fire hose.

"Ahh!" Salem squealed, hands digging into the bed sheets. "Jaune!"

That was his cue, and Jaune exploded inside Salem's ancient pussy, filling her with so much pent up spunk that even Kirito would be jealous of how backed up Jaune was. Load after load was dumped inside her, and soon Salem was unable to contain it all in her cum depository and it leaked out all over Jaune's shaft and onto the bed.

After a few more finishing pumps Jaune was done, and he breathed a sigh of relief as he looked over his handiwork. Salem was oozing with sperm from her snatch, her big tits rising and falling with her chest as she sucked in precious oxygen. He'd done it. He'd fucked Salem. The last woman on his list could be crossed out. He'd had sex with literally every important girl he'd ever met in his huntsman career.

Crawling to lay in bed beside her, he couldn't help but admire her beauty. He hadn't been lying when he'd called her such. When she didn't have a bunch of chopsticks in her hair, it was quite beautiful down. Long, flowing white hair reminded him of Weiss'. And Winter's. …and Willow's. And Rule 63 Whitley, aptly named Whitney. But that was another story for another time.

That was a lot of Schnees he'd fucked. Good times. Good times…

"Brothers, I haven't orgasmed like that since… ever," Salem gasped, staring up at the ceiling. "Not even Ozma could do that to me."

Jaune frowned. This may have just been one lifetime of many, but he at least wanted to enjoy it while he was living it. "It's kind of a turnoff to bring up your ex during pillow talk."

Salem shifted onto her side, smiling as she placed a hand on Jaune's arm and began to rub it soothingly. "Don't be jealous, dear," she cooed. "You were wonderful. A far better lover than he could ever hope to be. You're nothing like him."

They were more alike than she knew. Or that he'd care to admit. "I wouldn't say that."

"Oh?" she asked interestedly. She shifted, and her hand came to rest on his chest where a single finger danced and drew circles along his skin. "And why do you say that?"

Basking in the afterglow of awesome sex with a brand new partner, Jaune closed his eyes as he smiled under her warm, affectionate touch. "Let's just say he's not the only one who has a reincarnation thing going on."

He felt her hand freeze on his chest. Yearning for more of her gentle touch, Jaune opened his eyes to look at her, but soon found that all traces of amusement had fled her lips.

"Is that so?" she asked coldly.

"Um… yeah." He blinked. "Salem? What's wrong?"

"You wouldn't ever leave me?" she asked dangerously. "Like Ozpin left me. Would you?"

Jaune swallowed. "Oh, um, no," he lied. His death would reset the timeline, and he would move on to the next life. The next woman. "Of course not. I love you, Salem."

"I love you too, Jaune," she smiled. "Which is why…"

"Yeah?"

The finger that had been happily tracing his chest came up to touch his forehead. "Sleep."

He was out cold before he could even ponder the word.

When Jaune awoke he was no longer in bed. He was no longer in Evernight Castle.

He was no longer on the ground at all.

Freefalling through the air, he only had time to look below him for a moment before he crashed into the clean, blue water of a lake.

Plunging in, he felt no pain. There was no death. No reincarnation. His life had not come to an end despite the grisly fate he should have just met.

Gathering his bearings and swimming to the top, his head poked above the surface of the water and he coughed. Looking all around him he saw that the sky was… light. Blue and yellow, as if the sun was setting somewhere over the smooth, gray mountains in the distance.

A cluster of trees sat suspiciously on a manufactured island in the lake. Of Salem… there was no sign.

"Did you enjoy your swim, my love?"

Jaune turned around, and there, somehow hovering above the surface of the water, was the nude form of the woman who only moments ago in his mind he'd made love to.

Staring up at her, Jaune couldn't help but feel… different.

"What happened?" he asked. "What is this place? Why am I here?"

"This is the Fountain of Life," she said knowingly. Salem descended slowly, her feet and legs dipping into the water until she was submerged up to her breasts next to him. "I've taken care of your little… problem."

Jaune swallowed. "My problem?"

"Reincarnation," she said knowingly. "Such a terrible curse. But now…" she smiled, linking her hands behind his neck and pressing her chest against his. "You're immortal."

Jaune blinked. "I-immortal?"

"Immortal," she confirmed. "And that means that you and I can spend the rest of our long, immortal lives as husband and wife. Making love every night. Thousands of children. Grandchildren. Great grandchildren. We'll populate the world with our kin, and bring about a new golden age of humanity together…"

Immortal. Huh.

Jaune stared down at the pair of big white tits that Salem pressed against him. Well. This was certainly unexpected. If he was going to be immortal, at least he got to do it while being with a hot, big-titted, big-assed nymphomaniac.

It was better than dying every few months or years knowing that he could do nothing to stop her from attacking Beacon, Haven, and Atlas. Right?

Salem pressed her lips against his, and he wrapped his arms around her back and held her tight as she hungrily took his mouth with hers.

Right.

"Let's have sex in the Fountain of Life," she purred once they'd broken from their kiss. "After all, I'm already carrying a new life in my belly…"

So she could have kids? Interesting. He would have thought that her millennia old womb would have dried up by now. At least mom would be happy she'd be getting grandkids.

Jaune had always wanted to be a hero. As it turned out, boning the Queen of the Grimm every night and keeping her distracted from world domination would be the perfect way to be one. Maybe he could even convince her to change her ways. At least then his friends would be safe. They would get to live happy, non-fall-of-Beacon lives, and he would get laid every night.

Maybe she'd even share Cinder and Emerald with him if he asked nicely. Adding a third person in the bedroom was always a fun way to spice up your love life. And it'd be nice to fuck Cinder up the ass with no risk of her burning him alive this time.

Everyone would live happily ever after.

Author's Note: Sometimes you just need to let loose and write a really dumb shitpost. This has gotta be the dumbest one I've done yet. Yes, even worse than Shopkeep x Shopkeeper. The freedom to break the fourth wall, throw in random inside jokes, and just write stupid, crude language is so liberating.

It's a Double Update Monday, so be on the lookout for chapter 2 of Along Came a Spider later today.

Anyway, I hope you had as much fun reading this as I had writing it. Don't be afraid to leave your true and honest thoughts about this stupidity.

Thanks.