Disclaimer: This story is 100% alternate universe and most, if not all, of the characters in this story are out of character as well. Also I don't own anything by J.K. Rowling and I am not trying to steal her characters, plots, or moments within the books that she has written. This is my own story and I also claim to not copy off of anyone else's work either in the process.

What Happened Previously: Harry and the Weasleys have their own separate adventures in Diagon Alley that inevitably causes all of them to end up at Flourish and Blotts just in time to see Gilderoy Lockhart.

Chapter 3: Adventures in Diagon Alley (Part 2)

"Come one come all! I, the magnificent Gilderoy Lockhart, have come to promote my series of magical books! Please form a line to come to the front. I promise you all will get your chance to meet me and get my autograph." he said as he flashed one of his well known dashing smiles.

A lot of the women in the store fell for Lockhart's smolder and sighed in infatuation. There were also a few men in the store who also did the same thing as the women. The fact that both men and women were into him didn't even phase Lockhart in the slightest. Why would he ever not want the attention and admiration of his fellow wizards and witches? Plus the perks of seducing each gender came with their own rewards, but Lockhart would never admit that to anyone.

As soon as Harry and Ginny gathered around the other Weasleys in the bookstore, the entire group decided to get in line to meet Gilderoy Lockhart and have them sign their books. Mrs. Weasley was able to gather Ron away from the candy store and have him carry a handful of Lockhart's books, while Percy, George, and Fred were all carrying theirs. Ron was covered in chocolate all over his face and shirt, which made him look like he had been rolling around in a huge mud puddle.

"There you are, Harry! I've already found your books for the school year. Here you go. Now don't lose them because you will need them for Hogwarts this year." Mrs. Weasley said as the boy accepted the books.

"And here's yours Ginny dear." her mother stated. Mrs. Weasley then turned her attention back to the famous wizard in the front while waiting in line.

"Mrs. Weasley, a lot of these books are written by Lockhart."

"Of course Harry! Seeing as he is the new Defense Against the Dark Arts professor, why wouldn't his books be a great source of information on how to master the subject?" Harry stared into the woman's eyes and looked at her as if she was from Mars. The boy couldn't believe that Ginny's mum was this thick. Even he could see that the guy was completely full of himself.

Harry was seriously starting to consider that the only sane Weasley was Ginny.

As he waited in line, Harry was surprised by a bunch of things he had noticed. First of all, it seemed that Mrs. Weasley had not even seen the brand new wand Ginny got. That was good in his books, because he would never want that fat tomato to take Ginny's new wand. The results would be disastrous. Secondly it looked like everyone with a set of eyeballs were focusing solely on Gilderoy Lockhart and nothing else. This would be the perfect opportunity to steal a lot of things around the store and none would ever be the wiser.

"Yes, my dear! I did indeed fight a hoard of trolls off with nothing but my fists and my dashing smile!" Lockhart exclaimed rather loudly near the front of the line. This seemed to snap Harry out of his thoughts.

"Wow he really is a huge attention whore." Harry muttered quietly. "There's no way this dickhead did everything in these books."

"Yeah. He seems like a complete fake."

Harry's eyes bulged out of his sockets as he looked at the small girl next to him.

"Ginny, did you happen to hear what I just said?"

"Of course, Harry. You said Lockhart was an attention whore. I happen to agree." she giggled.

There was no doubt in his mind now that Ginny could hear him swear. This was something that just completely shocked Harry. Why was she the only one? Were there others? The boy had no idea, but he decided on focusing what was currently happening around him.

"Harry? Did you hear what I said?" the boy snapped back to reality.

"How can you hear me swearing, Ginny?!" Harry said but he responded louder than he thought. A few people looked at him with odd expressions on their faces, but the boy completely ignored them and decided to talk quieter.

"What do you mean, Harry?"

"Ginny you are the only one who can hear me swear. I've been dealing with this problem for over a year now. Somehow no one else can hear me except for you!"

"Stop fooling, Harry."

"It's true! I'm not joking, Ginny!" the girl seemed to accept his answer and tried her best to come up with an answer, but came up short.

"That's strange, Harry. I don't know what to say. Maybe it's just because of .. magic?" Harry rolled his eyes and grumbled.

The magical folk in line were starting to move rather faster than Harry would have liked. The boy had so many questions on how Ginny hearing him was possible, but it looked like meeting Gilderoy Lockhart was going to be just a few moments away.

"Ginny, we need to talk about this later. I have to find out why this is happening."

"Okay, Harry."

"I am truly grateful to have met you as well! Be sure to come to my next book signing if you are in town!" Lockhart exclaimed loudly enough for Harry's attention to snap directly on to him.

It finally came time for Harry to approach Gilderoy Lockhart at the front of the line. Now that the boy was only a few feet away from the man, he was able to take in what his new professor looked like. Lockhart seemed to be a man of great exaggeration because the outfit he wore was nothing short of distracting. His robes and pants were a deep royal blue that seemed to sparkle in the light, and his shoes were a dark black that were clearly cleaned extensively for today. The man's hair was a honey blonde color that seemed to have a number of distinct waves throughout, and showed no signs of male pattern baldness. Even though Harry was convinced that Lockhart was a complete fraud, he had to admit that his new professor did know how to dress himself well.

"Hello young lad. Have you come to .." the man began to ask before he stopped. "It can't be! Harry Potter? Is it really you?!"

Lockhart sprang up from his chair and almost rushed over to the boy as if he was trying to grab on to something before it got away. Harry almost didn't have enough time to register what was happening as the fashionable wizard came up and grabbed him into an aggressive hug.

"Harry Potter!" a man from the back exclaimed. The guy made his way to the front of the line by pushing through everyone as if they were nothing, and had a large camera in his hands.

"Excuse me little girl! This is for the Daily Prophet!" the reporter said as he pushed Ginny to the side a little bit and almost knocked her over. Harry was a little peeved by this happening as he really did consider Ginny his best friend. If at all possible, Harry would do his best to give that reporter some hell for pushing the little girl.

"Nice big smile Harry. Together you and I will make the front page!" Lockhart exclaimed a little too excitedly. The man clearly wanted the spotlight to always be on him, even though he would be sharing the moment with a boy that was clearly more famous than himself. The sounds of a flashing camera rang in the background which caused Lockhart bliss as he basked in the feeling of being a titan in the realm of fame.

"Ladies and Gentlemen, what an extraordinary moment this is! Young Harry here has just stopped by to purchase my books as well as my autobiography 'Magical Me'. Incidentally it is currently celebrating its 27th week at number one on the Daily Prophet's best seller list!" Lockhart said as he addressed the crowd of magical folk. Thunderous applause ensued.

"He had no idea .." Harry heard as he looked back at Lockhart " .. that he would in fact be leaving with my entire collective works! Free of charge of course." the applause continued along with a screaming shout of glee not too far back that clearly came from Ron Weasley.

"Now Harry, let's get these novels signed." Lockhart said as he took each one of the free books and started to sign them. "Have you ever had to give autographs before, Harry? If you need a few pointers I'll be sure to pass on my wisdom."

"Wow that's so nice of you, Fuckhart. I am overwhelmed with joy by the prospect of learning from you. The thought of writing an autograph just blows my little brain, that I have no idea how it could possibly be done." the boy said with a fuck load of sarcasm and more than a few eye rolls.

"There you go lad. I'll be sure to see you soon!" the man said as he handed the signed books back to the child.

"I don't know how you're getting these fools to believe your lies, but I will expose you for the fraud you are in school, Jackass. Be wary of me." the boy said lowly but menacingly.

"There you have it folks! Harry Potter has just asked me for assistance in taking down any and all dark wizards in the future!" the applause and screams were practically deafening. Especially from Ron who was almost at the point of passing out from being completely star struck.

"Don't worry everyone! I will be here to assist in combating any form of evil imaginable. And with Mr. Potter at my back, I'm sure we will prove to be a most formidable team!"

Harry had had enough of Lockhart's presence for one day. In order to get away from Lockhart, the boy accidentally stepped on the man's foot, which in turn caused him to yelp with pain.

"Sorry, Lockhart. I was just trying to get to the front of the store. It was only an accident."

"That's no problem, Harry! Good luck in school!"

Harry made his way to the back of the line and headed off into a section of books he hadn't seen before. The Weasleys were still in line and he figured there was a great deal of time before all of them were done getting their books signed.

"Bet you loved that didn't you, Potter?" Harry knew that pompous entitled voice from anywhere. "Famous Harry Potter. He can't even go to a bookshop without making the front page!"

"Oh hello, Draco. It's lovely to see you again. How's life outside of Hogwarts now that you're no longer in school?"

"Haven't you heard, Potter? I'm being re-admitted. Father talked to Dumbledore to let me back in." Harry rolled his eyes.

"Right. I'm sure it had nothing to do with the mountains of gold that your dick of a father paid just to get your idiotic membrane back in school. Or maybe he had to do a special service for the old goat? Do you happen to know what Dumbledore's favorite pastime is? I'll give you a hint. It's when an old man and a goat engage in sexual fornication .. " Draco's eyes turned red with anger as Harry continued on.

"Why you little whelp! You'll pay for .."

Draco was not able to finish his statement because he was gripped on the shoulder by an older gentleman who seemed to have the same facial characteristics as him. There was no doubt in Harry's mind that this was most likely Draco's father.

"Now now Draco play nicely!" Lucius said as he looked directly at the boy-who-who lived and stuck his hand out to shake. "Mr. Potter, my name is Lucius Malfoy. We meet at last."

"Hello. I'm glad you show more civility than your son. And I'm sure you were able to get your bastard spawn back in Hogwarts, right?"

"Draco will in fact be returning to Hogwarts, Mr. Potter. I can only hope the two of you become friends this time. It's a shame that things did not go so well last year, but there is always still time to turn things around. Did you know that the Malfoy family is very prestigious in the handlings of the Ministry, Mr. Potter? I myself am a board member and have a lot of say in the day to day dealings of the Wizengamot. Perhaps you should keep this in mind should you ever find yourself in one of the cells of Azkaban prison? I can put in a good word for you." Harry wasn't even phased in the slightest by the futile attempted threat.

"Forgive me, Mr. Potter. I must see for myself." the older man said as he grabbed Harry and used his black cane with a snake head on the end to move some strands of hair away from his face.

"Your scar is legendary. As is of course the wizard who gave it to you." this made the boy quite mad.

"Voldemort killed my parents. He was nothing more than a murderer."

"Hmm. You must be very brave to mention his name, or very foolish."

"Fear of a name only increases the fear itself." Harry quickly turned behind him to see one of the most annoying people he knew.

"Great. It's fucking Hermione Granger and she's come to my rescue with her super massive brain." the boy thought.

"And you must be .. Miss Granger?" Lucius asked as he turned his head towards his son. Draco nodded in confirmation.

"Yes Draco has told me all about you and your parents." the older gentleman asked as he sneered. "They're muggles aren't they?" Hermione didn't say anything and instead sneered right back at the blonde man.

Harry wasn't sure what Hermione was going to do considering she beat she shit out of Ron and Draco a few times last year. Even though it would have been funny as hell to see the second year unleash her wrath, this was not the best time to start something with all of these people around.

"Don't do anything, Hermione." he whispered. She looked at him in pure anger. "Get your revenge at school where there won't be as many witnesses at night." she nodded.

While Hermione and Harry were busy having their own conversation, Ron had come stumbling in from the line to see Gilderoy Lockhart.

"Guys! Lockhart signed my chest! Look!" the boy lifted up his shirt to reveal that he even had chocolate on his chest, and a scribbled signature that was clearly smudging. The scene was nothing short of nightmarish.

"That is extremely disgusting, Ron."

"Don't judge, Hermione. If you want Lockhart's signature so bad, then go in line! Maybe he'll sign your chest too!"

Hermione may not have gotten the chance to beat up Draco, but she wasn't going to take any flack from Ron Bilius Weasley today. Especially after saying that she should get someone to sign her chest. Without any warning, Hermione bitch slapped Ron across the face so hard that he fell over in pain and got knocked out. Once again, Harry was surprised by how violent Hermione could be, but it was extremely satisfying to see her kick Ron's ass. The boy couldn't wait until she would do the same thing or even worse to Draco Malfoy.

"That felt good."

"Once again, Hermione, that was amazing." Hermione blushed a little.

"Thank you, Harry."

While the interaction between Ron and Hermione was taking place, Lucius Malfoy hadn't stopped talking aloud to everyone around him. After talking down to Hermione, a few of the Weasleys surrounded the conversation and were in view of the blonde man's eyesight.

"Let me see. Red hair, vacant expressions, and tatty secondhand books. You must be the Weasleys."

"Children! It's quite mad in here let's go outside." Mr. Weasley said as he appeared from the back. Harry hadn't seen the man at all in the store and was surprised he was even here.

"Mr. Weasley where were you?"

"Oh I was in the muggle section, Harry. You wouldn't believe the books they have on them!"

"Oh yeah muggles are super interesting, Mr. Weasley. If you ever want information on them, just ask me anytime you want." The man was ecstatic.

"Well well well. It's the Weasley senior."

"Lucius."

"Busy at the ministry, Arthur? It must be because of all of those extra raids. I do hope they're paying you overtime, but judging by the state of your books I'd say not." Lucius said as he grabbed one of the books in the man's hands that were clearly older than the current copies.

"What's the use of being a disgrace to the name of wizard if they don't even pay you well for it?"

"We have a very different idea on what disgraces the name of wizard, Malfoy."

"Clearly." Lucius sneered. "Associating with muggles is embarrassing Arthur. It makes you a weak husband and pathetic father to your children" Arthur Weasley's face turned several deep shades of red and was doing his best to hold in his anger.

"I'll see you at work." Lucius spat. "Goodbye, Mr. Potter. Take a lesson from your betters, and rid yourself of the Weasleys. If you want to remain in the good graces of the ministry, then you need to start acting like a proper wizard."

The blonde haired man turned and dragged his son along with him. Draco was trying to say a last minute insult towards Harry, but he lost his balance and fell on his face in the street. Lucius turned away in disgust after seeing his pathetic son on the ground and walked farther down the street. The boy-who-lived couldn't help but notice that Draco really was small and insignificant in the Wizarding World even though he talked tough.

"He really is a sniveling bitch." Harry muttered. Ginny nodded.

"Well that's enough of that rubbish. Come on children. We need to get the rest of your school supplies before we leave today." Mr. Weasley said as he tried to put that incident behind him.

The group of Harry and the Weasleys, minus Hermione, her parents, and Mrs. Weasley who was still in line trying to get the books signed, walked into the alley to find the rest of their supplies. Along the way, Ron was being his usual self and had to open his mouth without the slightest indication of thought passing through.

"Draco Malfoy should watch himself this year."

"Oh? Why is that Ron?"

"Well now that I'm 12, I can take him on. Malfoy won't know what hit him when I throw him a punch or two."

"So you're only taking him on because you're 12? That makes no sense Ronnie" George said.

"Why couldn't you take him on last year, dear brother? Were you too scared to fight him?" Fred asked.

"I .. I wanted him to feel safe last year. He needed to think I wasn't a threat. Now that he's coming back, I'll definitely have my chance. I'll challenge him to a duel on the first day. That will show him!"

"You still haven't answered why you think being 12 makes you capable of taking on Draco." Harry stated.

"Because .. Because it just does Harry!"

"Yeah sure, Ron. That makes perfect sense. Why didn't I think of that before?"

"Well you're lucky you have me, Harry. With me around, you won't have to worry about anyone hurting you. I'll keep Draco and those dirty Slytherins away!"

"Really? Would you like to test your claim right now, Ron?" Ron suddenly got nervous.

"What do you mean?"

Ron never got the chance to defend himself as Harry launched an uppercut to his jaw. Replicating the instance that happened the previous year, Harry built an impressive force of magic behind his attack and sent Ron Weasley flying through the air. As he was screaming all the way up to the skies, and then all the way down to the ground, every head in Diagon Alley turned their heads and watched the carnage in front of them unfold.

Ron Weasley hit the ground like a ton of bricks and the sound of crunching bones followed. The sounds of sympathy and emotional pain traveled around the alley from almost every witch or wizard. Almost. Harry somewhat felt bad that he had to demonstrate such a harsh punishment to Ron, but the boy had to learn a powerful lesson. Harry didn't need anyone to protect him, and that especially meant a red-headed lunatic.

"RONNIKINS!" Arthur Weasley screamed as he ran over to his son. Fred, George, Percy, and several others came over to the boy on the ground, but Harry remained perfectly still, and somewhat surprising to him, so did Ginny.

"Aren't you going to check on your brother?"

"No. He's been teasing me and picking on me for years and I've never gotten the chance to get back at him. I'd say this is a fitting punishment."

"Really? Well I'm glad I could help then." Ginny nodded and smiled in appreciation.

Moments later the Weasley group returned with a very very damaged Ron in Mr. Weasley's arms. The boy's body looked like broken glass that his father was desperately trying to hold on to. The body was swishing from left to right almost violently, and the sounds alone were enough to make any sensible person vomit.

"What is going on here?!" Gilderoy Lockhart exclaimed as he ran out from the bookstore.

"You're too late, Mr. Lockhart. Ron was launched several stories into the air, and he fell to the ground breaking all of his bones. It was truly .. interesting." Harry said.

"Why did no one help him?" Lockhart asked as he stared at the injured boy being lifted away. "Wait. That's the boy who asked me to sign his chest! I guess it's okay that no one helped. He was a bit idiotic for my tastes."

The crowds around him clapped with ferocity and the whistles that followed, only added to the ego of Gilderoy Lockhart.

"Thank you. Thank you. I must get back to signing my books. Carry on everyone!"

While the group, minus Ron and now Mr. Weasley, continued their activities in Diagon Alley, Albus Dumbledore sat in his chair inside of Hogwarts and began looking through a whimsical book that had something to do with Green Eggs and Ham. Just as he was about to finish his book, an owl flew through his open window and landed on his desk. A very big letter was tied to the owl's talons.

"Hmm. I wasn't expecting any mail today. I wonder who this is from?" he asked as he opened the letter.

"Ah! My yearly letter from Fred and George. Oh how I've been looking forward to this. I can only hope the boys give me some truly amazing gag items this year." the man said cheerfully. "Now where did I leave my quill?"

The old man then suddenly heard the sound of knocking from the other side of his office door. While he was slightly disappointed in having his fun postponed, Dumbledore always did like it when people came to his office for a chat. After asking them to enter, the headmaster was treated by seeing his favorite staff member of all.

"Headmaster, we really need to discuss the coming year for Potter."

"Ah, Severus. It is so good to see you again. How was your summer holiday?"

"Must we go through this every time you see me, Headmaster? I was just in your office nearly an hour ago and you asked me the exact same question. Also you should know that I never take extended holidays. I find beaches absolutely dreadful."

"You do realize Severus that you will have to take a holiday soon. You haven't used any of your vacation time ever since you started working here."

"I haven't come to chat with you on my future holiday plans, Headmaster. I have come to discuss the coming year for the Potter brat."

"Ah yes. Harry must be tested again this year if he will ever hope of trying to defeat Voldemort. I think I have the perfect mysterious catastrophe to happen." Dumbledore then grinned.

"Severus, are you familiar with the Chamber of Secrets?"

"I am aware of the stories, Headmaster. I understood them only to be rumors."

"Oh they are quite real, Severus. Salazar Slytherin did indeed build a chamber underneath the school, and hid a gigantic basilisk inside. I feel it is time to unleash the basilisk on the school some time before the Christmas holidays." Snape's eyes grew several sizes.

"You wish to have a basilisk in the school, Headmaster? Are you completely insane?"

"It is the only test for Harry that I can think of Severus. Harry must be ready to face the Dark Lord for when he returns, and fighting a basilisk seems like a good challenge."

"Headmaster, your plan is ludicrous. Even though I long to see the Potter brat suffer some severe injuries, facing a basilisk is suicide. It's eyes cause instant death, and in some cases have caused others to be petrified!"

"Oh don't be a party ruiner, Severus. Harry will take on the basilisk and he will be successful before the year is over. I have great faith in the boy."

"What makes you so sure he will survive?"

"Simple. Harry Potter is a parselmouth. He is the only one that can possibly control the basilisk, and therefore it is the perfect test for him."

"How do you know the boy is a parselmouth?"

"I have been keeping watch over the boy his whole life. Do you know he unleashed a few snakes on his relatives from time to time? He even had a anaconda bite his cousin several times on his 11th birthday? He even .."

"I get it, Headmaster. I will alert the staff of your plan for Harry at once." Severus Snape said as he began to walk out of Dumbledore's office.

"Do not worry, Severus. The boy will have no problem controlling the basilisk and everything will be right as rain. You will see eventually." Dumbledore shouted as his fellow staff member left his office.

Dumbledore was absolutely certain that his next plan for Harry would work. The only other parselmouth that he was ever aware of was Lord Voldemort himself. Harry was marked by the Dark Lord, so why not have him take down the very beast that almost killed many students some time ago? It was the perfect plan.

Before he could release the beast, however, the old man would have to set up the perfect host for Tom Riddle's diary to possess. When he visited the Weasleys a few days ago, he left the diary on the kitchen counter for someone to find. Surely one of the Weasleys had picked it up by now, but was it someone that Harry would personally go after to save?

The Headmaster started to get a headache from thinking too hard about his plan with the Chamber of Secrets and turned his attention to something that would definitely cause him some peace. Reading. The man had recently found a series of novels written by a muggle called Dr. Seuss, that contained many ridiculous stories aimed for children. But he didn't care. It was amusing to him. The Headmaster started on his next book that had something to do with a cat that wears hats. What a novel idea. He would have to issue that rule inside the castle if he ever got the chance.