An here you go, the last chapter! Thank you to Uglygreenjacket, my lovely beta and also the host of this exchange! AND thank you so much to everyone who is reviewing this story! I'm so happy it's making you laugh / throw furniture repeatedly / distract you a little in this madness! Thank you to sticking with me! It means the world.

Again, most of all, I hope you enjoy the ending too, Beej! I did my best trying to write a comedy for you, and I hope the conclusion doesn't fail you!

Deception
Chapter 3

How oblivious could she be, for god's sake? Mamoru was starting to increasingly, maddeningly lose his mind, and the roots of his hair remained in a serious state of abuse for all the pulling at it he partook in.

He'd tried everything. Ran Mamoru-baka's book front to back and back again - in ways that should be very well known to her - and she didn't get it. Maybe she didn't want to get it.

Instead, in the previous weeks, apart from having encountered and being miraculously cured of ebola among other ridiculous things, Naru had apparently also accidently boarded a wrong Shinkansen in the middle of the night and needed picking up by his very much non-driving girlfriend, had no clean clothes because her washing machine mysteriously exploded and was thus in dire need of Usagi's (none of which Usagi took with her when running out), suspected her apartment building was haunted and needed Usagi's opinion, and also someone stole all her shoes.

Weeks and weeks and weeks of this, of running out of sushi belt restaurants and leaving him alone with a full tray of the new springtime sakura themed special limited edition Starbucks drinks to be sampled that she always made such a fuss over every year and he despised, of jumping out of running showers and their warmed bed, and of stuttering so hard and so flushed he was worried she might get an aneurysm before this was out.

But despite all this idiocy, his girl was an absolute badass. He was so proud of her, he could burst. He had no idea HOW she always knew to find the enemy at every ploy, but… just friggin kicking the door in and stomping infuriated into a radio studio at FM No. 10 as they recorded that fake 'Midnight Zero' he hadn't even heard of? She was utterly, stupidly, recklessly insane sometimes, but also, he'd never found his girlfriend hotter. (And he found her plenty hot already.)

His girlfriend who wasn't recognizing her own boyfriend and yet she still reacted to him. He could see that. All her tells were there. From the spotted flushing on her chest to the way she fixated on his bloody thighs of all things. It had been years since she looked at him with such, like, maximum thirst. Not since they were teenagers who'd waited forever to finally do it and then had to sneak around to accomplish the task. He was pretty sure it was irrational to be a bit jealous of yourself, but here they were, he guessed.

Odango Atama. Tuxedo Mask called her Odango Atama, and she didn't get it.

He'd been so thrown, that for a second there, he'd doubted his sanity. Asked himself if he was wrong, and Sailor Moon wasn't Usagi after all. Which was nonsense. Of course this was Usagi.

Usagi who was currently tucked under his arm and wearing his rather ancient green jacket because 'spring' meant 'spring clothes' to her - whether or not the weather forecast permitted it - and she of course got cold. Usagi who tapped on her phone giddily as she filmed the inside of the tiny, historic tram as it passed rows and rows of blooming cherry trees, as if she didn't have videos of this from approximately a hundred times of having done this in previous years.

Tokyo Sakura tram, Tokyo's last nostalgic streetcar on the Toden Arakawa line, was tiny and crammed full and absolutely overcrowded during Hanami. It was definitely not the only way to get to cherry-tree-filled Asukayama Park and the nearby waterfalls tucked away smack in the center of bustling Tokyo, but it was Usagi's absolute favorite way of transport by a far, far margin, and so that's what they did. A blue picnic blanket wedged into a tote bag with their bentos and cans of alcohol pops between his knees, on their way to a sunset Hanami picnic with the Furuhatas and their significant others.

He sighed so hard when the crash came. How did the Dark Kingdom always interrupt their dates so unerringly?

And yet, when Usagi's startled eyes met his and the ruckus in the absolutely packed streetcar began - a group of elementary schoolers with their yellow hats and leather school bags started whimpering, a tiny, bowed, silver-haired oba-chan and a tall, colorful drag queen bending down immediately to calm them, a salaryman screeching louder and shriller than any school girl he'd ever heard - and her eyes immediately roamed around the place how to get away from him. And succeeded. She was simply so much quicker.

When the door at the front of the car opened to the street to the sound of a tinny siren, she physically pushed at him so they'd get separated, and he rolled his eyes so hard.

Of course, lone man on a panicking tram, he got herded in behind the wailing kids, and by the time he heard Sailor Moon outside and scolding a youma he had yet to see, the chaos was complete.

Don't get hit before I'm there. Don't get hit before I'm there. Don't get—

She didn't get hit. The tram did, though. He lost his balance, grabbed on to the overhead handrails out of reflex and covered his head to drown out the deafening noise of sudden screams as he bowed over the kids to shield them as the streetcar bowed under attack and got gifted a new roof window.

He didn't even have time to blink before Usagi was back.

Well, Sailor Moon.

So, well, yes, of course she was trying to herd out everyone. But the way her eyes were unsteady and panicked only until her eyes found his calm ones, the way she catapulted herself to his side and grabbed at him, shielded him, the way her trembling had stopped and her orders grew more calm, more logical, it was very, very obvious this woman was here to save her boyfriend.

He couldn't help the small smile.

And sure, the safest thing here for everyone involved would have been to play dumb - the whole back portion of this tiny, tiny train had just seen him with his giddy, happy, Odango-ed girlfriend tucked under his arm who was very hard to miss in a crowd, and now the same guy was being singled out by one equally Odango-ed superheroine after the former had so conveniently just vanished into thin air.

He really, really should have. But also, maybe, maybe this was his chance for her to finally get it.

And so he let himself get launched out of a wrecked streetcar bridal style by his super hero girlfriend, froze only for one second, slung his arms around her slender shoulders to hold on, and then brushed his thumb against her neck into the wisps of baby hairs underneath the part in her hair where she was sensitive, and stroked.

She almost fell.

But he needed to bring out the armory, too.

"Not that I'm complaining to be in such gorgeous care," he purred against the side of her face as she made for one of the emptier side streets, "but I thought the threshold thing was my job."

Sailor Moon's face whipped to his - shocked and scandalized and as if he'd just told her he liked to eat kittens for breakfast with a spoon, and he curled his lips into the exact smirk that used to get her to flush the brightest back in the days of Mamoru-baka and Odango Atama.

"If that's the way you want to try it, though, I'm all open for experimenting, of course," he tacked on.

She dropped him.

He shrieked as he fell, but thankfully she'd already been landing anyway, and so he didn't fall that far, but rubbed his tailbone in discomfort.

"Hey!" he yelped anyway, and looked back up, and…

Well. No. What a stupid, stupid idea this had been.

Usagi didn't get it. Not at all. And she'd also never, in all their years together and whatever he had done, looked at him with such undiluted rage.

He flinched.

Nope. Not at all. And now, because he was an idiot, his girlfriend - who was Already Very Jealous In General - thought he flirted with scantily clad superheroines for funsies.

Well, shit.

In fact, when she stormed off in a huff back towards the hustle, darted behind a pair of vending machines which she'd obviously deemed appropriate enough cover because it lit up in pink flashes immediately that he wanted to facepalm at because there were PEOPLE HERE goddammit, and stormed back out as Usagi, he kind of felt like running for the hills.

"CHIBA MAMORU, YOU'RE IN A COMMITTED RELATIONSHIP, GODDAMMIT!" she yelled, storming at him, his jacket flying around her, and he ducked for cover even when her index finger was already poking right into that sensitive area just below his sternum.

"I am, yes," he croaked, and started to sweat. "Very much."

With every word, he took a step backwards. Back to the main street, back to where people were and thus less opportunity for murder.

Her face was redder than he'd ever seen it as she gulped for air to scream some more, poking at his chest. He held his arms up.

"WHY the HELL WOULD YOU FLIRT THIS SHAMELESSLY WITH SAILOR MOON WHEN YOU—WHEN YOU—"

Well, obviously, he would have liked to point out that she was arguing with him about things she couldn't possibly know if she, well, weren't Sailor Moon, and really, he was about to do just that, but then he bumped backwards into a person.

The best person, it turned out.

"Ah, I'm sorry, I—Oh! Hi!" had come the surprised voice behind him, and before he'd even turned to look who it was, assigned the familiar voice to the familiar face, his lips had morphed back into glee upon watching all the color drain from Usagi's face.

Grabbing Usagi's hand under all the 'No no no no no' in her eyes and her dragging feet, he whirled around with his most charming smile.

"Why hello, Naru-chan!"

He grinned perhaps a bit too hard. Especially considering there were sirens all around and shouting people and a trainwreck down the street, and Naru was clutching her own picnic bag in frazzled confusion.

Usagi's hands immediately curled around one of his, pulling desperately to get him away. "Ehehe, Mamo-chan, I'm sure Naru is like, totally busy, we should—" she babbled at the same time that Naru was gasping at them, "Did you see that?! Are you guys o—"

But he interrupted both of them with what must have been an almost maniacal smirk.

"Congratulations on your engagement!" he announced. "I hope that ebola scare didn't ruin the celebrations. Or the dramatic destruction of your washing machine. Do you need help getting the place fixed up or have you got it handled?"

He could hear Usagi's desperate facepalm, the pained groan, while Naru's brow flew into utter puzzlement. "Uh… what?"

But he was on a roll, and looked down at her feet pointedly, smirking. "I see you got new shoes. How is your new old cat doing with her deadly hiccups?"

"Wait, what?" Naru shook her head at him.

By that point Usagi was all the 'uwahhh' he'd ever seen, absolutely freaking out, waving her hands as she jumped between Naru and him with outstretched arms, and yes, he was terrible, but he also had way too much fun, and—

And then another booming crash, billowing and shooting rubble and he yanked Usagi to his chest as it blew out, this time from the little miniature mountain cablecar that went up the side of the hill up to Asakayama Park that went up in flames and Usagi flinched as the youma appeared up on the summit.

Wait.

Had Usagi not defeated the Youma before she'd got him out of that streetcar?!

More screams, a loud howl.

Apparently not.

She flew into the air and from his hold like she did back in the day when someone had announced she'd forgotten an important test for the upcoming day, yelped something along the lines of "Best go your separate ways and never talk to each other again, ok?!" to both him and Naru, and skidded back behind those vending machines. More pink light show.

He groaned in purest, fiercest exasperation.

Again, it took him a while to join her. He needed to get Naru somewhere semi-safe and then at least try to lose her inconspicuously, unlike other people, and by the time he'd scaled up the natural rock this hillside park was mounted on, people were running from it screaming, and Sailor Moon was aiming her Moon Tiara Action at that Youma.

It exploded into stardust before his dress shoes ever touched the ground.

"Well, that went easier than I'd expected," he remarked right behind Sailor Moon.

When her eyes whirled around to him, prettiest hair slapping him, the last thing he expected was for her to burst out into tears.

Maybe he should have expected that.

Widening eyes, he took the last three steps towards her and grasped her shoulders, bending down to her.

"Hey," he hushed. "Everything's ok!"

"NOTHING'S OK!" she wailed so loud he flinched, and she hiccuped, and he bundled her up and hopped on a tree, on a gazebo, another tree, and onto the rooftop of the little paper museum in the middle of the park.

A bit helpless like he always still was when faced with her tears, he pushed his gloved hands against her hair and stroked in the way he did when she was upset to calm her. But yeah, wrong persona, and her arms shot out and she shoved him away.

"What—" What's wrong, he started to say, but she misunderstood and interrupted.

"Because I have a BOYFRIEND and he just found out I LIED, and oh god," she blanched, started pacing. "What am I gonna do?! What if he hates me now? What if he LEAVES ME?! WHAT AM I GONNA—"

Oh.

He scrambled to her, gloves to her cheeks, caught a tear, and her wide blue eyes shimmered as she hicced and looked up at him in pure, heartbreaking desperation, and he flinched, because, well… that didn't go very well at all, his stupid plan.

"He would never leave you," he promised with a smile.

And with that, she burst into fresh tears. But it was the normal amount now. The 'I dropped the ice cream'-amount, the 'I'll never get my deadline done'-amount, the amount he could deal with.

"He hates me!" she wailed.

"He doesn't hate you," he snorted, stroking her face, hair, all the Mamoru comfort moves.

"He'll leave me."

"I won't."

"HE WILL!" she lamented, cemented in thick, crocodile Usagi-tears.

"Usako," he sighed, shaking his head.

But she hicced on and started to babble, curling her gloved fingers into his tuxedo. "I lied to him and he won't forgive me and now he will never bring me new Udon again and warm them up for me when I run out on him, and he'll never—"

"Usako," he repeated, a little louder, a little more exasperated.

"—bring snacks again for important conversations, and he'll never make sure I don't accidentally run into poles and people again, and he'll—"

He sighed. "Usako!" Sterner now.

And finally. Finally, it registered.

Her eyes flew up to him the same way they had done when Mamoru had flirted with Sailor Moon back there. Utter, pure appallment.

"Wait," she screeched, yanked at his shirt. "WAIT!"

And then she punched him in the arm.

"Ow!" he yelped.

"MAMO-CHAN!" she screeched in complete accusation.

But ah, gosh, did this feel good. He couldn't keep it in, the grin, and it made her even more furious.

"UGH, YOU KNEW ALL THIS TIME?!" she yelped.

He shrugged, stepped a little close. It was officially allowed now after all, finally.

"Wait," she glowered at him in rage, and he took a careful step back after all. "YOU DID THAT WITH NARU ON PURPOSE!"

It was the most unwise thing ever to snort right now, but that's what he did.

"Her cat was dying of hiccups, Usako, really?" He giggled. He wouldn't even regret it. It bubbled out, and Usagi growled.

"You can't lie to save your life, Usako," he grinned down at her stupidly.

She glowered at him in a way she hadn't since before they got together. Since Mamoru-baka, and it made him preen just that little bit.

He pushed a wisp of hair behind her ear, chuckling mirthfully. "And, and…the alarm clock, I swear, I…"

She swatted his hand away. "This was amusing to you!" she accused, all puffed up and red and adorable and—

He shrugged again. "A little."

Her mouth locked into the most perfect, big, accusing 'o', before it morphed into the next, surprised appallment, like a lightbulb switching on somewhere in her head.

"Hey, wait!" She shot back up on her toes, her finger to his chest. "That means… that means…" Her face twisted into offended disbelief. "Every time I was lying to you... you were lying to me too?!"

He cringed, and really, this time he earned the next punch to his arm.

"Mamo-chaaan!" she whined in rage to his 'What?!'-face.

"WHY ARE YOU SO GOOD AT LYING, MAMO-CHAN?!"

His arms flew up in defence."If you'll look back, I didn't even HAVE to lie," he offered, immediately. "I just kept my mouth shut and pretended nothing was up! You never asked!" he defended.

She narrowed her eyes at him anyway.

"Which is," he continued against his better judgement, "by the way, a much better strategy for lying. Instead of telling me Naru has ebola."

Really, her glare was precious, and this time, he chuckled. "While I was reading a study about ebola. Do you even know what happens to people with ebola?"

She grumbled, the cutest, best pout, and he took a risk and kissed it.

"We're gonna practice lying, Usako."

And well, at least she didn't bite him.

She was still glowering, way later, when she was tucked back under his arm, and they were on their way home, until she apparently remembered she was really, really hot for Tuxedo Mask.

And so, it was only in the middle of the night that he frowned and thought to ask, "So, why didn't you tell me?"

Moonlight flooding their one-room-apartment, she flopped around to him, rustling the sheets, pursed her lips and paused, throwing him an overtly reluctant look.

"...a cat told me I can't."

He threw her a glare. "Usako."

"I SWEAR this one is true."

Needless to say, of course they were gonna work together. None of that 'we might be enemies' thing. Pfft.

Really, had she never listened to that cat and talked to him right away, that particular worry should have never come up. He was hers. Of course they were a team. They'd always been.

There was a Demon 6 o'clock Bus to check out and a weird crystal seminar Luna had found, anyway. But first, an embassy ball.

"Let's find that princess, shall we?" Tuxedo Mask smiled down at her in her pretty dress for the fancy masquerade ball that the disguise pen had bestowed upon her.

She really, really was gorgeous.

"If you fall in love with her, I'll punch you," she glared back up at him.

He chuckled. As if.

There you go! I hope you enjoyed! Reviews are love! Now and in 10 years! I love to hear from you! (It's honestly the best thing about sharing fanfiction!)

Also, please, everyone, stay healthy and well! Mwah!