(Not so)Noble Mummy
I OWN AND REGRET NOTHING!
...III...
ANNOUNCEMENT!
I'M GETTING A BOOK PUBLISHED!
SUMMARY:
On the 13th day of the 13th month of the 13th year...magic will return to the world...and the streets will run red with the blood of the (semi)innocent...unless the world is saved by the most unlikely of hero's...baking cupcakes?!
The title is '13/13/13' and it'll be coming to a bookstore or E-Book site near you! Xilbris is the publisher, also available at Amazon, Inkitt and BarnesandNoble.
...III...
Drew gives Jade a weird look, "So let me get this straight? The 'dark Hand' and the Da-chong-wong guy-
"Daolon Wong." Corrected Jade.
"Whatever" ,he said dismissively. "Anyway, so they come to your 13th sector-
"Section 13-
"Whatever! They come there, they try to steal the "talismans". Your uncle traps the weird dark elves-
"Dark Chi Warriors."
"WHATEVER! Anyway he traps them in an urn, your other uncle uses a laser to destroy the talismans...only for their energy to be gathered by SLENDERMAN who then gives it to the Wong guy, who then tricks him into opening a cursed Egyptian box, then brings a mummy back to life named Imhotep, who snacks on Wong...but before he can drain him dry, Slenderman frees the 'Nobel animal' energy from his body to be released on the world. Enraged, the mummy then destroyed section 13. And now you need to find those animals before the mummy eats them, regenerates and conquers the world?" He says with an incredulous sneer.
Jade blinks, "Wow...when you say it out loud...even I don't believe it..."
"Dang right you shouldn't! Geez Jade, at least with all your other crazy mumbo jumbo you at least tried to be consistent! That was just nuts!" Mocks Drew.
"Yeah, and the whole thing with Slenderman and a mummy... It all sounds like something a hack fanfiction writer would cobble together from a bunch of nonsense and then spew out in quick dialogue exposition form because he's both too lazy to write the action sequence and too impatient to move the plot along..." Stated another classmate.
"Abed!" Shouts Miss Hartman suddenly. "What did I say about being meta during class?"
"...To not to." Said the boy with a sigh. Hartman nods and goes back to her papers...
Drew sighed, "Look Jade. Don't you think this is getting old? At first it was funny to mock you for your crazy ramblings and your attempts to 'prove it' falling flat...but it's just getting sad now! It feels like your not even trying anymore! I mean animals WITH the talismans magic? Your basically ripping off your first set of stories! You didn't even give it a good villain! Sure, those three stooges are always worth a chuckle... But the Asian stereotype evil wizard? The random mummy? I mean, That's just lazy! Come back to me when you get better material...like something involving those cool shadow ninja...or bringing back that dragon statue thing, or-
"The mummy coming to school to attack you?" Asked another boy going very pale, staring out the window...
Drew frowned, but then gave a shrug. "Not what I was going to say...but...Yeah, sure. That could shake things up a bit, shatter the status quo. I'd be-
"NO! MUMMY! OUTSIDE! NOW!" Babbled the other boy, pointing frantically outside. Causing everyone to look as well-
An annoyed Mrs. Hartman looked up from her papers to scold the class...her words died in her throat...
Flying on a cloud of locust...Lord Imhotep, in all his rotting, horrific glory...gazed at them with his one good eye...
Jade had hundreds of fantasies like this...her family's enemies coming to school, she kicked their but, everyone apologized for doubting her and Mrs. Hartman canceled all homework...
Sadly...Jade had a feeling that her dreams were about to become nightmares...
CRASH!
...
Captain Black sighed as he looked around his temporary new base at Uncle's shop. That Mummy thing had completely wrecked Section 13!... AND the surrounding neighborhood!
He turns to his oldest friend and most successful (Reluctant and unofficial) agent; Jackie Chan.
"Right, I have good news and bad news."
Jackie sighed, "Right...give us good news first. We need it."
"The Good news is, as horrible as this whole affair has been... It had the the benefit of FINALLY waking my superiors up to the existence of magic."
"Really?" Asked Toru.
Black nodded. "Yeah, apparently they were doing a random security check and overriding the security cameras when the whole thing happened...also, someone got the idea to actually INTERVIEW the rest of the staff and not JUST talk to me. They of course were all able to back me up..."
"Huh, wonder why they didn'tdo that before?" Asked Jackie.
Black blushed, "For whatever reason...They didn't ask... and I didn't offer." He coughed awkwardly. "Anyway, bottom line: we'll be getting more manpower and resources to tackle this current issue."
"So I can stop playing landlord and go back to antiquing?! Can't come sooner!" Shouts Uncle. "One more thing! Your goons blocked up the toilet again! Uncle better see compensation! One more thing! Uncle still making locator spell! Need more time before Jackie can search for Noble animals!"
Black sighed, "Yeah...that's actually the bad news." He takes a deep breath and looks to the Chan clan. "My superiors would like to extend their most heartfelt thanks for the services you've accomplished for both the country and the world, rest assured you'll be well-compensated..." Black clenches his fist annoyed... "But I'm afraid your services are no longer required." He says that last part as if he'd been forced to swallow a particularly bitter and large pill...
"What!?" Exclaimed Jackie and Toru.
"That's right." Said a smug voice behind them. They all turned to see Agent Hirsch show up. "Our higher-ups were rather distraught to learn that you'd been employing a free-lance ARCHEOLOGIST with NO spycraft experience, a "former" criminal of the same organization you were SUPPOSED to be taking down, an old man and a little girl who likes to pretend she's 'Wannabe Nancy Drew'...Needless to say we'll be taking things from here."
"But..." Jackie began, he had mixed feelings on this! On the one hand: it would be a relief to stop 'saving the world' and go back to 'normal' archeology...on the other hand...
Jackie sighed, he had a moral obligation to do what he could to keep people safe...no matter how much he'd rather do otherwise... "But we've saved the world several times!" He finished. "We succeeded in protecting-
"You should in no way take this as a slight to your...'capabilities'- Said Hirsch in a way that suggested that he wished they WOULD. -Were simply moving in a different, more OFFICIAL direction. Captain Black's sub-par operation may have originally forced him to rely on you civilians but-
"Sub-par?! Captain Black asked multiple times to get more resources and manpower whenever a new magical threat emerged and you denied him AND labeled him as insane!" Snapped Jackie, angry at his friend being slighted for doing his JOB.
Toru nodded, "YEAH! Besides, aren't you the one who forced Captain Black to get ride of the Talismans-
"Mistakes were made, WE freely admit to that." Interrupted Hirsch quickly, strongly emphasizing the WE as if to dodge blame for himself by spreading it to others.
"And although YOU defied orders and brought the talismans back tot he base, thus setting in motion it's destruction...we've magnanimously decided to let you off the hook and not court-martial you due to the extenuating circumstances." He said in a smug way as if they were doing him a huge favor...
"Gee, thanks." Said Captain Black sarcastically.
"Wait, but how will you find the Noble animals without Uncle's locator-
Hirsch chuckled, "My good man. We have acess to the worlds largest database, global surveillance systems and have all the best and brightest of law enforcement AND military working for us...I think we can do without your mumbo jumbo."
Jackie was starting to get angry, he was dissing his family now! "I- Uncle! Talk to him! Explain why they need us! Magic must defeat magic and all that..."
But for once...Uncle was silent... "It...it might be for the best...at least for awhile..." Said the old man with a resigned sigh...
This left everyone stunned! "I...Uncle?" Asked Jackie in disbelief.
"Even if Uncle COULD find Noble animals...Uncle has no way to defeat Imhotep. Uncle knows nothing of Egyptian magic. One more thing! Uncle cannot really even do research as he has nor Egyptian books-
"Yeah, I noticed that sensei. It seems like you have knowledge for every type of magic except Egyptian, why-
Uncle wacks Toru on head, interrupting him. "Because next to Canaanite magic, it was one of the most reviled and forbidden magic's of the ancient world! One more thing! All Chi wizards- light AND dark - around the world secretly banded together and empowered the Romans to be a super-power in exchange for them conquering Egypt and suppressing their magic!"
This stunned everyone, "Wha- Most reviled? What about Daolon-
"Daolon Wong despicable, yes. But at least he knew better then to tamper with the boundaries of life and death! Egypt wizards made doing so a REQUIREMENT! ...One more thing! For time it make them most powerful empire in the land, this is true...but they pay price for their arrogance... Sahara desert was once most beautiful ocean in the world! Now look at it!"
Uncle shakes head, "Uncle must do research!...but first must find things TO research!"
Hirsch coughed, "Right, well as entertaining as this is...we have a world to save. So if I could have you sign these gag clauses we'll be on our-"
"SIR! IMHOTEP IS ATTACKING JADES SCHOOL! IT'S ALL OVER THE NEWS!
Captain Black began yelling for everyone to mobilize, the Chan Clan did likewise...
Agent Hirsch blinked...and the room was empty...
"I'm reporting this!" He shouted annoyed...
…III...
TO BE CONTINUED?
AN: Want me to continue this? I'm willing to take Bribes! Go to my P,a,t,r,e,o,n account!
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