Chapter XX

One week later

"I guess this is it."

Beckett had packed up her belongings after tossing them all into Castle's blue-chrome Bosch washer-and-dryer last night. As was the case for most of his state-of-the-art gadgets, it took a while for her to figure it out, but she was too stubborn to ask him to show her.

Kate hadn't left the loft at all in the last seven days and as much as she enjoyed nearly every minute of it, now she was eager to finally step outside. Back into the world and back into her life as a homicide cop.

"I hope this isn't it." He answered. watching her quietly as she zipped up her travel bag. "Stay."

A burst of electric warmth flushed her cheeks at the thought. It would be so easy to say yes. To extend this blissful existence. He'd lulled her into a languid contentment that was utterly foreign to her. She hadn't done much more than eat, sleep, and make love the last few days. One lazy, blissful day had morphed into another and in turn she'd recovered beautifully. The headaches were gone and so was the bruise on her back, and she'd removed the wrist brace two days ago.

It wasn't the only thing that was gone.

Salvador Ojeda had disappeared into thin air too.

Esposito did find the place where he lived. A small apartment building at the end of a cul-de-sac that housed a dozen or so seasonal labourers. Most of them weren't there more than a few months at a time and they all kept to themselves. No one knew the landscape worker who lived in the corner unit at the end, they'd only seen him come and go, but he hadn't so much as said hello to any of his neighbours.

They found the car too, and CSI collected blood from the cracked window. It was hers. A DNA match.

If nothing else, they now knew with certainty that he was their guy, and a warrant was out for his arrest.

Beckett didn't think it made any difference. The mob always took care of its own problems. Salvador Ojeda was probably halfway across the country by now, or smuggled out of it and hidden in some jungle compound in Chiapas. If he was still alive at all.

The Commissioner had agreed to keep Castle under protection for another week, meaning the NYPD had a week to find Ojeda and after that it would no longer be a priority. The threat to Richard Castle's life was minimal, and Beckett's assignment was officially over.

She hated it when cases ended like this, but the reality was that sometimes they did. Real policing wasn't a crime novel that tied everything up neatly in a bow. Sometimes it was messy and imperfect and inconclusive.

"I was getting used to waking up with your hair in my face."

His voice jarred her from her thoughts. "You know, most people start dating first and then they move in together."

He shrugged and gave her sheepish smile. "Too late for that."

Her eyes met his and some of things she saw surprised her. Fear. Uncertainty. Hesitation.

He was trying to hide them, but years of interrogating people for a living meant she'd gotten good at seeing the emotions that people tried hard to hide.

Richard Castle was afraid. Of losing her.

And it made her heart beat a little faster. Because she also had a hard time imagining going back to a life without him in it, and it still frightened her, knowing how much space he'd taken up in her world. In her heart.

"Hey…" She took a step toward him and cupped his chin in her hands, before leaning in to give him a kiss. His lips had explored every inch of her body this week but kissing him still sent a sliver of pleasure down her spine. As though she were doing it for the first time. "When I said this is it, I was talking about this assignment, not…us."

"Okay. Good." He kissed her back. Taking his time, enjoying the pleasure he took and the pleasure he gave.

"Thank you, by the way."

"For what?" He'd pulled her toward him, his large, strong hands spread out across her back.

"For reminding me how wonderful life can be."

He pulled her a little closer still. "You make it easy."

He kissed her again and this time it took all her willpower not to start undressing him. To watch his eyes darken when she made him hard.

Fuck.

"Castle…" Her breathing was heavy already. "I really should go."

"Yes," he exhaled and nodded without really agreeing. "You should. Go. I'll be shadowing you at the precinct in no time anyway."

She laughed and gave his fine ass one last squeeze before she actually let him convince her to stay. "Dream on."

Beckett went back to her place that afternoon. It felt like a lifetime since she'd spent a night here. That the person who'd left this apartment to go to the Hamptons against her will wasn't the same one who'd come back.

She resisted the urge to call or text Castle, even though she missed him already.

I need to know I can be okay on my own too.

She didn't crave alcohol anymore. She was sleeping well again. She was back to being as fit as she'd been before she got shot. Could do a six-mile run with ease now.

But so much of it was linked to Richard Castle. To the peace she'd found in his homes and in his arms. And the many times he'd pulled her up when she was close to falling back into the rabbit hole.

But she didn't want to be with him because she needed him. They both deserved more than that.

And she needed to go back to work and prove to herself that she was still good at what she did. That she was a homicide cop to be reckoned with, one who was capable of solving a tough case, not one who needed to be bailed out by her captain or her team.

So the first thing she did after she got home was change and go for a run.

The same run she took through Central Park the day after Gates told her she was being shipped out to the Hamptons. Except this time she didn't collapse on the ground, or need several pills to dull the pain afterwards. Instead, she cooled down with a bottle of water and a few stretches near Columbus Circle.

Then she went to get groceries and re-stock her very empty fridge, tossing out a lot of expired items in the process, and then she made a home-cooked dinner.

It was ten o'clock at night by the time she was done and ready to hit the shower and bed.

A sliver of anxiety coursed underneath her skin and she tried to push it aside underneath the spray of hot water.

She couldn't remember the last time she had a good night's sleep in this apartment. Couldn't remember the last time she didn't have any alcohol here at all.

What if she needed the sound of the ocean or Castle's arms around her to sleep? What if she couldn't sleep and returned to the 12th the same exhausted mess of a cop who had left it a few weeks ago?

What if…

Stop it.

She wrapped a towel around herself when she stepped out of the shower and dried off before getting ready for bed. Sliding under the covers with a paperback book she'd been meaning to read.

Her cellphone was sitting on her bed too, and she was tempted to call Castle, but she fought back the urge and picked up the book instead.

Her phone rang as soon as she opened the first page, and Kate pushed herself up on her elbow to answer it.

-You asleep?

She smiled. "Yes."

-Miss me?

"Who is this?"

-Funny

Her smile grew. "You know it."

-What are you wearing?

"Very little."

-Okay, I'm coming over

She wanted him to. So badly. Because then she knew she could sleep.

-I'm kidding

Her smile faded. Hating that she was far more disappointed than she had any right to be.

She must have been silent too long, because suddenly the levity in his voice was gone.

-You okay?

"Yeah…good."

-Sure?

"Castle…"

-What is it?

"Stay on the phone with me for a bit?"

-Yeah, of course. As long as you want. Tell me what you were doing when I called?

"I was gonna read."

-What book?

"Fathers and Sons."

-Turgenev? Can I just say that the writer in me is kinda turned on right now?

Her smile came back. "Only the writer in you?"

-Hang on. I have this one.

He was gone for a minute or so and then came back.

-Got it. Tell me what page you're on.

"I haven't started."

-Perfect. Turn off the lights, or your reading device.

"That'll make reading harder."

-I'll read. You listen.

She wished she could kiss him. "It's been a while since someone's read me a bedtime story."

-Hey, I've done audiobooks, I got this.

"Well, okay then."

She exhaled and did as he asked. Turned off the lights and fell back into her pillow, with the phone next to her ear and she let him lead her into the Russian countryside with Kirsanov and Bazarov.

Her heart slowed a little more with every lugubrious sentence, hypnotized by the familiar sound of his voice. So much so that she didn't feel the phone slip out of her hand.

She didn't even hear him whisper "Sweet dreams, Kate" before ending the call.

12th Precinct, NYC

She expected a few awkward looks, maybe even some pranks left on her desk, because cops were notorious practical jokers with a morbid sense of humour. What she didn't expect to see when she returned to the 12th for her first shift back as a leader of her homicide squad was to see Castle, joking around with her partners.

She was about to ask them what was going on, when she saw Gates, standing in the doorway of her office, beckoning to her.

"Detective, a word."

She saw Castle giving her a little wave before she stepped into her Captain's office.

Gates shut the door behind her as soon as Beckett was inside.

"You want to tell me what this is about?"

"Sir, I'm not sure what you're referring to."

Gates turned her head over to Ryan and Esposito's desk area. "Mr. Castle, deciding that he needs to shadow you and your partners. For research."

"He, uh…" Beckett wasn't sure what to say. She hadn't expected to be back in hot water before she got her first case. "He mentioned to me that his next book is based on an NYPD detective. That he wanted to ask you about possibly coming in to the 12th to do some research. He told me he'd reach out to you and see…"

"Oh he didn't…" Gates her off. "He went straight to his buddy, the mayor instead. And Mr. Weldon thinks it's a great idea. He then called the Commissioner who said that this is exactly the kind of positive PR this police department needs."

Beckett winced. Please tell me you didn't, Castle.

Gates had her hands on her hips. "Did you know he was going to do that?"

"No, Sir."

"Does he think I'm going to appreciate that? Him going over my head like that?"

"I…think that maybe he wasn't thinking."

"I know that you didn't like what I did to you, and maybe I did tie your hands when it came to that stalker case, but if you think this is your way of getting back to me, maybe think twice."

"Sir, I didn't know about this. I swear! I'm the last person who thinks a civilian tagging along on a homicide investigation is a good idea."

Gates paused and stared at her. As if she could syphon the truth out of her brain by boring her eyes into Beckett's skull. "I want to believe you, Detective."

"It's the truth."

Gates frowned and took a seat. Beckett took that to mean that she'd decided it was. The truth.

"I don't like it, but I suppose we don't have a choice. I told the Commissioner that I didn't agree with the risk involved, but apparently he thinks that can be solved with liability waivers. Regardless of my wishes."

"I'm sorry." Beckett felt somehow responsible.

"Detective," Gates finally stopped looking at her as though she wanted to throttle her. "Is everything all right with you?"

"Sir?" Beckett raised her brows.

"Are you okay now?"

She bit her lip. "I screwed up last month. I know that. I had a problem and I didn't deal with it in a good way. I used alcohol as a crutch, but I'm not an alcoholic. I don't know if I've solved all my problems, but I am learning to deal with them in healthier ways. I'm much better physically and mentally and I hope that's…enough."

Gates seemed pleasantly taken aback. "I think that's the most honest thing I've heard you say in some time, Kate. Yes, it's enough. I'd like you to continue the therapy for at least another month, now that you're back in homicide, to make sure you stay on track."

Beckett swallowed. It wasn't something she wanted, but she'd do it. She'd put in the time. "Yes. Sir. Understood."

"Good." She turned her attention to the computer screen in front of her. "Because I have a homicide for you. La Semana Hotel on West 24th. CSIs are already on the scene. Mr. Castle can join but not until he's signed the half dozen waivers I've prepared for him, is that clear?" Gates handed her a folder full of legal documents to give to him.

A smile lifted the corner of her lips. "Yes, Sir."

When she went back outside she saw the three of them, her two partners and her new ride-along, still joking about something or other. She supposed it was good that he was already getting along splendidly with Ryan and Esposito, since he was going to be seeing so much of them.

She shot Castle an icy look, letting him know she was going to ream him out later for doing this without telling her. But for now she could rein in her irritation. God knows she couldn't let anyone know just how close the two of them were.

"Guys, we've got a murder. La Semana Hotel on West 24th."

"La Semana?" Castle piped in. "Now there's a seedy motel."

"You wanted a taste of real policework, didn't you? Unless you've changed your mind and wanna wait 'til we get a body drop at the Plaza?"

Espo snickered and grabbed his jacket.

Castle was about to follow suit but Beckett held him back. "Not so fast, Mr. Castle." She handed him the folder Gates had given her. "First you have some papers to read, thoroughly, and then sign. When you're done, you can meet us at La Semana. And since you already know where it is, I don't even have to text you the address."

The smile faded from his face. "Really?"

"Oh yes."

"You comin'?" Ryan asked her.

"Yeah…go ahead. I'll be right behind you."

She waited until the boys were out of earshot. "Just so you know, I'm gonna kill you later on tonight. So you might have two homicides that you can use for your research."

She drew out the last word and then turned on her heels and left.

Oblivious to the pair of amused blue eyes that watched her storm out.