A/N: the new episodes hit pretty hard, guys
enjoy!

Steven stared numbly at Jasper, as she knelt before him. He was still shaking - he didn't think he'd stopped since he saw the gem's shards lying in the crater he had created, broken and scattered apart with the force of the attack he had sent her way. He was shaking, and he didn't think he was going to stop anytime soon. If anything, it only seemed to worsen as he gazed at her, confusion and horror and pain flickering through his eyes. The tears couldn't seem to stop flowing; he tasted them as he opened his mouth to speak, but he did nothing to rub them away or stifle them. He had much more concerns, bigger concerns, than crying right then - like the gem in his bathroom, and the three just outside it, worried voices overlapping, overwhelming.

Jasper simply continued to kneel, head bowed, eyes closed. This wasn't what he'd wanted; he'd thought, finally, he was on equal ground with somebody. Not lesser, but not more. With the Crystal Gems, he'd always been several steps below them, too young to really know what he was doing and too much of a kid in their eyes for them to think anything else of him. It was the same with the Diamonds. But with some of the Homeworld gems, he was their Diamond. And if he wasn't that, he was still someone they needed; all of them. Someone they relied on. Someone they expected something from, whatever it might be. With Greg, he was his… half-gem, half-alien son. With Connie… he was her best friend. Her partner. Her Jam Bud. If they didn't set the expectations for him, then he ended up setting them for himself.

But there was a big difference between them and Jasper, and that was the fact that Jasper didn't let him set any expectations for himself. She didn't need anything from him - but she wanted. She wanted… well, she had wanted a fight. And, ultimately, she'd made it clear that Steven was the one who would decide whether she got it or not. But not only did she want something, but she was also willing to give something in return; to help him. Steven wasn't expected to help her, because she didn't need it. He was the one that needed help in this situation, and she was the one that had obliged - with one condition he was glad to accept. And he had been her equal. Not lesser. Not more. She wasn't going to coddle him - and she wasn't going to treat him like he was some grand intergalactic savior. Like he was… her Diamond.

But he'd gone and screwed that up. In one of the… no, in the absolute worst way possible. Steven blinked, furiously, letting the tears trapped in his eyes flow free once again without any effort to clear them away or force them back. "Jasper-" He started, voice trembling.

"Steven? Are you alright in there?" Pearl's voice made him wince, and a pink glow lit the dark, dreary looking bathroom as he turned his head toward the door. Answering that was not an option at that moment. There was no way she could find out what he'd done. No way any of them would be able to look him in the eyes again, after he told them he had shattered a gem. He didn't know how else to explain why Jasper was in his bathroom, but it wasn't like they currently had any idea that Jasper was in his bathroom - he was sure Amethyst would be barging in if that was the case - but if he could just somehow make them go away first, that would be great. Just get them out of the house somehow, and get Jasper out, too.

"I'm fine," Steven called back, knowing full well that his shaking, cracking voice wasn't doing anything to aid him at that moment, and silently cursing himself for even opening his mouth.

"Hey, dude?" Amethyst's voice cut in, and Steven glanced back at Jasper when her head raised, rather sharply at that; but she caught him looking and ducked it again, somewhat begrudgingly, and Steven swallowed hard in an attempt to rid himself of the lump that had risen in his throat. Curling his hands into fists at his sides, he backed away from Jasper. "I think you should, uh, come on out now. We're really worried about you, man. Plus, I'm getting Peridot flashbacks." Would've been funny, and Steven would've laughed any other time. Now, he only stared at Jasper, who was seemingly refusing to even look at him at this point; whether it was out of fear, or respect, or whatever it was, it made his chest hurt. "Seriously, Steven… talk to us, man…" Her voice, soft and concerned, only sounded patronizing to the hybrid's ears.

"God, shut up! I'm fine," Steven hissed, putting a little more venom into the words than he would have liked. He paused and glanced down at his hands, glowing a bright pink, still trembling unsteadily from shock, and fear, and probably now anger. He remembered what it looked like - what it felt like, holding Jasper's broken shards in the palm of his hand. Like he was holding a dead body. It was something akin to when he'd held Lars in his arms that day on Homeworld, only with a much more crushing weight on his chest, the kind that came with the realization that not only was this his fault - but it was also his doing entirely. He had done it. Himself. Firsthand.

He imagined what it would feel like, a bigger gem, bigger shards, purple instead of orange. Because if he didn't somehow manage to calm himself down right then and there, then he might as well be setting himself up for that. Because- heh- obviously there wasn't anything he wouldn't do, right? Obviously there was no way to stop himself once he got going. Obviously, this rage - this power, could control him. Obviously he wasn't as 'better than this' as they had thought.

Not helping. Steven closed his eyes, just for a moment, struggling to think. Finally, he rubbed his sleeve over his eyes, but the damp fabric only made it worse, just serving to wet his face even further, now with rainwater as well as tears. He dropped his arm with a sigh, blinking his eyes open and letting out a quiet groan of relief upon seeing that the pink had faded. He spared Jasper nothing more than a glance, unable to look at her just as much as he was unable to look in the freaking mirror, before shakily turning and heading over to the door, resting the palm of his hand against it and glancing down at the doorknob cautiously. "I'm sorry, I… I didn't mean…"

Silence followed, then a soft, gentle thud as someone's hand rested against the other side of the door. It seemed to be Amethyst, as her voice was much closer when she spoke up again. "It's fine, dude. Don't worry about it." A soft, somewhat stifled sigh came from the other side, and Steven, despite everything, felt a rush of guilt. Well, he was already feeling guilty as it was - but now he felt guilty for more than just… what had just happened. "Can you let us in?"

Steven closed his eyes for a moment, swallowing down a dry laugh. He knew she had meant it literally, but it wasn't like he could do that any more than he could let them in figuratively.

It was almost funny. He could feel himself drowning in the hollow amusement.

"I just need you guys to leave," he gasped out through his tears, feeling more trickle down his face. A few more landed on his tongue, making him finally cringe at the salty taste. But he only shook his head and leaned forward, resting his forehead against the door. Ironically, he thought back to when he was younger, begging them not to leave him to go on missions, always wanting them to stick around with him. Funny, now that he wasn't asking for them, they were there. And now they wouldn't leave, demanding to know what was going on, demanding to finally be in his life after so long of missing their chances of doing just that. And Steven didn't know how to accept them now, he didn't know how to let them in anymore, and he didn't even want to try. Especially not now, especially after he had just made the biggest mistake of his life.

And to think, they had been pissed and disappointed about him crashing the van with Greg inside, even though Greg hadn't even been hurt; imagine their disappointment, their fury, their horror and confusion and oh, god, their fucking fear, when they learn he killed somebody.

Steven choked on his own tears at the thought, throat restricting violently. His eyes stung, vision blurring as he curled himself against the door and finally let out a low, soft sob. It was finally just starting to hit him, the realization was finally just settling in, and Steven was grasping at straws at this point trying to process it in the first place. He didn't ever think he'd truly get there, because the thought was so horrifying, so- so incomprehensible, that every time he tried to remind himself of it, he just couldn't believe it. Then he remembered the shards in his hand. Remembered sending down the attack that had broken them apart into the pieces they were. The smile on his face and the laughter that had bubbled to his lips as it-

"Steven?" Amethyst sounded a little more frantic now, but Steven was more or less snapped to attention when the door started to open. Immediately, he pressed his weight forward against it, ignoring the sharp 'hey!' as he did, and turning the lock just as quickly with a shaking hand. "Steven, dude, come on!" Amethyst called out, and Steven flinched away from the door when she pounded on it, more concerned than angry, but still unwelcome all the same.

"Steven!" Pearl sounded more stressed than ever; he could picture her pacing just behind Amethyst, with the way her voice faded in and out. "... can't believe… control… worrying…"

"We're just trying to help you, Steven," Garnet's voice called out for the first time, and Steven clenched his teeth as he rubbed his arm over his eyes. Help him? Help him? How the hell were they supposed to help him now? He was far past help at this point. If he wasn't… him… he would wanna shatter him. That's how bad it was. He was nothing but a stupid, filthy murderer now; something, he thought bitterly, that even Pink Diamond wasn't. Even his own mother had been so against shattering, against killing, that she had gone to such lengths to lock Bismuth up in a bubble so that she couldn't use the Breaking Point. His mother, who Steven had grown to think of as the worst person in all of history… suddenly didn't look so bad compared to him.

This time, when he turned pink, he didn't bother to control the rage he felt. Hell, he probably couldn't have if he'd tried. "Well, you're not helping!" He screamed, raising both arms and pounding his fists into the door, just hard enough to make it rattle. A surprised yelp from Amethyst, which sounded a little further away, indicated that the gems had probably jumped back - good, he seethed blindly, as he continued sharply, "you're just making everything worse! Don't you get it?! I don't need your help! I just need you to leave me alone for once!"

There was no response, but Steven could practically feel the shocked, tense silence from the other side of the door. More tears flooded his eyes, tears of despair, and anger, and guilt, as he pressed his hands flat against the door once again and crumbled forward against it, releasing a low sob. "I don't know what's so hard to understand about that," he choked out, still seething, still fuming, but alternating between anger and pain at this point. So much of it he felt like he was going to drown, choking in it and flailing desperately for a grip on something, to pull himself back to the surface. "You didn't have an issue leaving me alone to deal with my problems before. When it was all about your problems, about your feelings!" He pounded his fist against the door again, rattling it once more. "And now you think, well, you're all fixed! Now let's see if Steven's actually traumatized from us dumping everything on him from the very beginning! And let's not really offer him any comfort or moral support, but pretend we are! He's dangerous now! We gotta be careful or he could hurt someone because now he's all fucked up because of us!"

He shuddered slightly, finally releasing a scream. But this one wasn't of anger; rather, one of pure anguish, and while it rattled the entire room and knocked a few bottles out of the opened cabinet, there was minimal destruction. For once. "Well guess what, guys?! It's too late now! You were right, Pearl! Someone's gonna get hurt! Someone got hurt! Really, really badly hurt-" Another sob broke through his lips, and he sank forward against the door again, shaking.

"Steven," Pearl's voice was nothing more than a horrified whisper, but Steven caught it anyway; he covered his mouth with one hand, screwing his eyes shut. "Steven, what happened?"

Steven didn't respond, twisting around and sinking back against the door, as if turning his back on them would just make them leave. He knew it wouldn't, but it was worth a try. His gaze slid toward Jasper, and he couldn't help but feel a little relieved to see she was no longer kneeling; rather, she had seated herself on the edge of the tub, eyebrows raised slightly as she looked down at him, no longer averting her gaze. She was silent, which he was grateful for, too. Studying her for a moment, he felt his heart sink straight to his stomach. Her horn… and her eye… well, the stripe over her eye… and the torn pants… he had done that. He had damaged her gem so badly that even when healed, her physical form still took the toll of it. It was a reminder, forever, for both of them, of what he had done; of her being shattered at his hand.

His hand muffled a gag at the thought. Sure, he had fixed it… no… he had… he had brought her back, but he hadn't fixed a damn thing. It didn't erase what he'd just done. He couldn't erase what he'd done, and her new appearance, her new attitude, her new behavior…

She was just a constant reminder of that.

Steven leaned his head back against the door, the pinkness finally dulling down again. He couldn't stay in here forever; one way or another, the gems would find a way to get inside the bathroom, even if they had to break the door down to do it. Then there was no hiding from them anymore, no pretending this hadn't happened, none of that. Because if they were going to leave it alone before, which he wasn't holding his breath over, they most certainly weren't going to now. Not after Steven had already outright admitted he had hurt someone. Because even in an 'outburst', even in a rage, he couldn't even force himself to say that he had killed somebody-

- he gagged again, choking on his own saliva-

Because he was just a coward. A selfish, stupid, worse-than-Pink-Diamond coward and he knew it, and Jasper knew it, and everybody else was going to know it.

Steven bit his lip and turned his head away slightly. He couldn't even look at Jasper now, and he was surprised he could still feel her gaze burning into the side of his head, because he didn't know how the hell she was able to look back at him in the first place. After what he'd done, he wouldn't have blamed her for attacking him right off the bat. Hell, he would have let her. He'd have stood there and taken it gladly, accepting punch after punch and if, in the end, she had decided she wanted to shatter him- then he would've let that happen, too. He deserved it. He had hurt her in the worst way imaginable and he was lucky she had even been able to reform in the first place, but it didn't change what had happened, and it didn't change what happened after. He wasn't going to get the beatdown he'd been expecting. Not from her.

So then what did it matter, anyway? He was a criminal. A killer. A murderer. A shatterer. They hated shatterers; Garnet despised Blue Diamond for the longest time for being one. Pearl certainly couldn't hold it in high esteem - she had been traumatized from only pretending to shatter Pink. And Amethyst… god, Amethyst. He knew her. She would never have shattered anybody. She forgave Jasper for all of the horrible shit she had done, and said to her before. Or, at the very least, she had moved on from it, she had tried to forgive her. She'd be horrified. They'd all be horrified. If they were scared of his powers before, it would be much worse now.

But, again, he was a criminal. With a crime even greater than that of his mother's, something he couldn't even believe. At least she had never shattered anybody. At least she wasn't a killer. Steven couldn't say the same for himself. He'd always wanted to be better than her, always wanted to leave his own legacy, leave his own mark; and he had, and that mark was currently embedded on Jasper's face, in the form of a broken horn and a scar across the eye.

No, he wasn't his mother.

He was worse.

Finally, he couldn't stifle it anymore; with a choked gasp, Steven threw himself forward, toward the toilet. He reached it just on time as he threw up, gasping for air as he doubled over. This was too much, he couldn't even think about what he'd done without something like this happening, without the guilt getting so intense that it made him do this. That he drowned in it, choked on it, he couldn't even keep his own body functioning - like it was turning against him, too, like it was somehow just as disappointed in him as he was and it was hurting him in response. A low sob broke through his lips, squeezing his eyes shut for a moment.

"This is what I meant, you know." Jasper's voice was quiet - tired, if Steven dared to say. Still, he was so happy to just hear her talking to him, to hear her saying anything but 'my Diamond', that he wouldn't have cared even if she was yelling for the gems to hear. He rubbed his arm over his eyes and leaned away from the toilet, breathing in shakily and looking over at her, only to tear his gaze away almost immediately with a low, choked gasp. He couldn't even look at her. "You're afraid. They're afraid. They want you to feel bad, and you're letting them make you."

Steven didn't respond immediately. He sank sideways against the toilet and fixed his gaze on the ground, blinking back tears. It was a while before he did speak, his voice softer than Jasper's, barely anything more than a whisper. "I deserve to feel bad. I should be scared." The hybrid shook his head, wanting to look up at her, but not being able to bring himself to do so. "And you should be, too."

Jasper snorted. "But I'm not. I may respect your power, but don't mistake that for fear."

Biting his lip, Steven just shook his head. Yeah, he could see that now. But he still didn't know whether that was any better or not. She had still bowed down to him, submitted to him, whether out of respect or fear or something else. It didn't matter, because she had still done it, because he had… he had made an irreversible mistake. He couldn't fix it, whether she was back or not. Regardless, he forced himself to stop thinking about that for the time being; he couldn't just keep Jasper locked up in here. The last person she deserved to have to be locked in with was him. And while he still didn't like the idea of sending her out there with them, he knew he had to. It didn't matter what she told them - at this rate, her telling them was better, since he couldn't even think the words without his stomach knotting up. The teenager groaned, standing up.

"I think…" He rubbed the back of his hand over his mouth and steadied himself against the sink, turning to face Jasper again somewhat reluctantly, and rooted his gaze to hers, trying to avoid looking at the scarred stripe on her face. "I think I need you to… to leave, Jasper."

For a moment, Jasper's expression twisted into something a little more volatile, like she was about to argue. But her gaze met his, and her opened mouth slowly clamped shut again, arching an eyebrow briefly as she pushed herself to stand. Steven would have preferred it if she had argued with him, heart sinking at the distinct lack of protest, but even more so as she stepped toward him and bowed her head in response, humming. "Of course, my Diamond."

Steven flinched, and choked back another wave of nausea. "Don't… don't call me that," he nearly snapped, more out of despair than anything. That was the last thing he needed. Then again, maybe it was what he deserved… he didn't know anymore. Turning away, and taking his gaze off of her in the process - thankfully - he cautiously stepped over to the door, pressing his ear against it with a frown. He couldn't hear the gems, but that didn't necessarily mean they had left. He would've been surprised if they had - not that he was willing to check for himself. So he simply beckoned Jasper over and unlocked it, his hand still shaking against the doorknob.

"I'm sorry," he muttered one last time as he opened the door just enough to let her out, stepping back with it and keeping himself out of direct sight. Jasper glanced at him, catching his gaze, but she didn't offer a reply - and Steven didn't expect nor want one - before she simply turned and squeezed herself through the doorway, leaving the room in silence. Steven shut the door quickly behind her, just in time to muffle the surprised, confused yelps from the other side.

Finally, left alone, Steven retreated. He ignored everyone outside, simply tuning them out, and distanced himself from the door, sinking into the corner of the room across from the tub. Ah, shit, the water was still running… starting to spill out over the edge now, onto the floor. Steven only watched tiredly, not able to bring himself to get up to turn the water off. Hell, maybe if the room filled up enough, he'd drown in it. The thought simultaneously made him wince and want to laugh at the same time. 'Cause that was what he deserved, wasn't it? Well, look at that. He'd made a life-shattering - don't - mistake, he was running and hiding from it, and now he was contemplating killing himself. Three for three, Steven! Way to not be like your fucking mom!

Steven shook his head a little at himself and turned away, turning his back completely on the rest of the room and facing the corner, which he curled himself into as much as was possible.

Now that he was thinking about Pink, though, he couldn't seem to stop. His thoughts spun, dizzying, nauseating, but he could only sit there in silence with his eyes shut as he drowned in them. No… not like her. Spent all this time trying not to be like her, and ended up somehow being worse. What would she think of this? What would she think of me now? Her own son. Somehow, I managed to… do something so awful, something even she had never, ever done. And something she ended up bubbling one of her closest friends to prevent from happening! Mom would have never shattered someone. Especially not someone who was trying to help her.

He gagged again, curling in on himself further and pressing his face into his arm. And now, look at me. I was so angry at her for everything, so desperate to not be like her, that I hurt people. That I- that I did something even she probably couldn't even comprehend! All because I just wanted to let go of what everyone expected me to be. The healer, the pacifist. Now I'm even worse than she was, because I let all these emotions get the best of me. These emotions that I didn't ask for, and that I didn't want, from all this trauma that I didn't even deserve! From all these things that I've been through! From this life that I had never even wanted in the first place! I didn't ask for it to be this way! I didn't ask to be-

Shit, shit, he had really worked himself up. He was sobbing, impossibly hard - much worse than he had ever cried before in his entire life, and he couldn't stop it. Even as he pressed his face into both arms, trying and failing to muffle the sounds with his jacket, his entire body shook, wracked with the sobs he couldn't control. There was so much he couldn't control now. Couldn't control himself, his own power. Couldn't control his friends moving on. Couldn't control all the change that was going on in his life. But then for the first time, while he was fighting Jasper, he finally felt like he had some kind of control. Like he was doing what he was supposed to do. He didn't feel weak or useless or pathetic or any of the things she had called him; he felt strong.

If he had just stopped… Right there…

Shaking his head, Steven rubbed his eyes and sighed. The sobs subsided, thankfully enough, but he found himself suddenly concerned by the silence from outside. Looking toward the door, the teenager breathed out shakily and heaved himself up to his feet, staggering slightly. But instead of heading to the door, he simply stumbled over to the tub and reached out to turn the water off. It had already begun spilling out over the floor, sloshing out over the side of the tub. He looked down at it for a moment, but he only ended up shaking his head before heading over to the door instead, pressing his ear against it hesitantly and listening carefully for the gems.

They were quiet now - probably having retreated to the living room - but he could make out Pearl's voice, demanding to know what Jasper was doing there in the first place. There was nothing but small grunts from the gem in question as she responded, and while Steven knew he should've been glad for that, he only felt more guilty. The gem had just been shattered, she didn't deserve to be interrogated like this above everything… stifling a soft groan, Steven reached down and unlocked the door again, his hands still shaking - rather violently at that - as he opened the door. Every part of him screamed to just turn around and retreat back into the bathroom, hide himself away and not deal with what he'd just done. But he walked forward, one step at a time, one foot after the other, and practically yanked the door shut behind him once he had finally managed to completely exit the bathroom, breathing out a quiet, shaky sigh.

Steeling himself as much as possible, he turned the corner to the living room, clenching his hands into fists at his sides. Jasper was simply leaning against the couch, and while Amethyst seemed rather content - curled up on one of the cushions with a bored expression - Garnet stood on Jasper's other side with a noticeable scowl, and Pearl herself already had her spear out and at the ready. Steven twitched slightly when he saw it, fighting back another wave of nausea. Yeah, that was the last thing Jasper needed to see. More sharp objects… he stared at the blade, numbly thinking back to the spikes he had created on the wall, completely intending to do as much damage as was physically possible. "... leave her alone."

Pearl's head whirled around at once, and Amethyst practically shot up from her place on the couch. Garnet's head turned slightly. Jasper was the only one who didn't react, having already been staring at him since he had entered the room anyway. "Steven!" Pearl sighed, relieved.

Ignoring her, Steven looked up at Jasper, offering the orange gem a tired, apologetic look. "Sorry, Jasper… I…" The hybrid stifled a sigh and dropped his gaze, unable to hold eye contact any longer. He still couldn't look at her. Why was she still looking? Steven gritted his teeth, finally blinking back the tears that had rushed to his eyes as he shook his head. "I told you you can- I need you t- can you just-" Steven hissed out a sigh through his teeth, flicking his gaze toward the door for a moment before looking back toward Jasper, just barely able to catch a glimpse of her raising an eyebrow before he looked down again. "You can go. Just- go."

"Steven," Garnet cut in before Jasper had a chance to reply, and both Steven and the orange gem shot the fusion equally irritated looks in response at the interruption. Garnet visibly paused, adjusting her visor and managing to look surprised for a second before the expression vanished again, turning her head toward Steven with a frown. "Please, talk to us. Tell us what's going on."

"Leave him alone," Jasper grunted, though she seemed more or less indifferent as she crossed her arms and rolled her eyes. Steven winced, not even managing to feel grateful, just completely consumed in guilt over the fact that Jasper was standing here defending him after… He shook his head and shook the thought away, knowing it was just going to make him feel sick again, and tried to swallow down the lump in his throat. "Can't you see he doesn't want to talk? Maybe if you guys weren't so pushy, he wouldn't have felt the need to run away to begin with."

"Jasper." Steven shot the gem a desperate look. She was right, of course, but she shouldn't feel the need to defend him of all things. She should be screaming at him, berating him, telling him off for losing control and making him feel like even more of a piece of shit than he already did. The fact that she was telling the gems off - which, Steven would never admit, was incredibly satisfying to watch - wasn't going to help anything. "You're gonna start another fight- just-"

"You say that like it's a bad thing," Jasper remarked, but she backed down under Steven's pleading look, finally averting her gaze with a careless shrug. "Fine. Whatever you say."

Steven stifled a pang of regret with relief and forced himself to move on, turning his attention back to the gems. Pearl seemed to have taken the most offense at Jasper's words - unsurprisingly - but Amethyst and Garnet didn't look too pleased now, either. Steven noticed Amethyst's gaze flitting between him and Jasper, confusion evident in her expression. Most likely at how quickly Steven had managed to silence the orange gem, which made Steven flinch a little himself. He wasn't looking forward to having to explain it. To having to say the words. To having to admit to them what he had done - because then, that was it. He really had done it.

"You were with Jasper?" Amethyst sat up completely now, looking at Steven in complete disbelief as the realization finally seemed to set in, and Steven couldn't fight back a wince on time. "This whole time?! For three days?!" Steven nodded. "What were you doing?"

Jasper managed to look amused, while Steven bit his lip. "... training."

At this, Garnet, Amethyst and Pearl all paused. Pearl turned toward him, carefully diminishing her spear, but Steven couldn't bring himself to look at any of them now. He fixed his gaze on the floor, blinking past the tears once again and trying to focus on steadying his breathing. He wasn't sure how to continue, and he didn't expect Jasper to step in and help him either. She shouldn't have to. This was all Steven's doing, all his fault, and he needed to face it. His heart hammered in his chest, blood roaring in his ears, as he struggled to think the words to himself. I shattered her. I shattered Jasper. We were training, and I shattered her, and I brought her here. And I healed her in the bathtub and she's back but I still did it and I'm sorry.

He felt sick again, but he forced his mouth shut and breathed.

"... I can't do this," he blurted out when he opened his mouth to speak, every part of him shaking violently now as each effort to control himself only served to make the trembling that much worse. He couldn't think it without feeling sick, he didn't even know if he could say the words out loud, what was he even trying to do here? "I- I can't- Jasper and I were training and we- I- I-"

"Steven-" Garnet interrupted, and Steven stopped speaking, realizing he was gripping the sides of his head now, fingers tangled into his hair as he doubled over. In a panic, he had summoned a wall with the same pattern as the one he had summoned during his last attack on Jasper, only surrounding himself now protectively, not for an attack. He lifted his gaze, breathing heavily, as Garnet carefully stepped past a worried-looking Pearl and made her way forward. "Calm down." She rested a hand against the wall, and Steven tensed slightly, pupils shrinking for a moment.

"Take a moment to think of just," Garnet began, and the tears that blurred Steven's vision halted just for a second. Blinking furiously, he looked back up at her, trying to ignore the fact that her being so close to the wall just made him even more uncomfortable to begin with. She was singing - why was she singing? Did she really think it would help? The melody was familiar, and it brought back memories of… of Connie and… seriously, did she think it would help, of all things? "Flexibility, love and trust. Take a moment to think of just, flexibility, love and trust."

Steven breathed in shakily, opening his mouth, but the words died on his lips as Garnet continued. "Here comes a thought," the fusion looked down at him. "That might alarm you."

I shattered Jasper, he wanted to scream. The wall shrunk around him, and Garnet's hand moved back slightly in surprise; Steven, however, only looked up for a second. Honestly, he kind of wished it would close in on him at that point. Crush him under its weight, make him pay for the things he had done. His breathing quickened slightly, but the wall didn't move any further.

"What someone said," Garnet sounded cautious now. He wondered if she was afraid. Afraid of him, or the wall. He wouldn't have blamed her if she was, though. "And how it harmed you."

"Are you pathetic? Are you weak?"

Steven screwed his eyes shut, not noticing this time as he turned pink. Jasper's taunts rang in his ears, louder even than Garnet's singing. Meant to be comforting, but failing miserably. Only serving as yet another horrible reminder of what he had done. He couldn't focus, he couldn't think, and he couldn't control himself. He wanted her to just. Stop. Singing. He wanted her to stop so that he could think, and breathe, and try to figure out how to tell her that he had-

"Something you did that failed to be charming."

-that he had shattered Jasper. He had shattered her. Watched her form destabilize, watched her gem crack and split apart right before his own eyes. And he had kept laughing even long after that, too shocked to even realize what had happened at first. The smile hadn't been wiped off of his face until long after the deed had been done, when he crashed to the ground, inches away from the crater. When he finally realized Jasper wasn't reforming, because she couldn't reform. Because her gem wasn't just lying there on the ground where she had been standing. He'd been staring at her shards for at least ten minutes, laughing, before he realized what he'd done.

"Things that you said…" Garnet's voice was getting more and more faded, but Steven didn't even care at this point. He opened his eyes and looked at his hands, remembering scooping the shards up carefully, trembling, afraid of breaking them even more than they already had been. Hell, he could even feel them burning into his flesh even now, dull and lifeless. "Are suddenly-"

"Stop," Steven finally choked out, nothing more than a whisper, but it was effective enough. Garnet froze as Steven lifted his gaze, and then she seemed to almost recoil, as if seeing something that had shocked her. He failed to catch a glimpse of his reflection in the wall before it vanished, but if he had, he would have seen pink, Diamond-shaped eyes staring back at him. Pearl gasped, covering her mouth with one hand, and even Amethyst seemed to visibly tense. The only one, again, who failed to react, was Jasper, who stood as calmly as ever, watching. "Just…" He curled his lips back, suddenly livid. Hell, beyond that, he was… he was pissed off. "Just shut up! You can't make everything better by singing some stupid song!"

A sharp crack almost drew him out of his rage, but when he looked only to see that it was the window, he returned his gaze back to the gems, seething. "You wanna know what happened?! I shattered her!" He yelled, pointing at Jasper, and he could have sworn she tensed. Garnet recoiled even further, and Pearl and Amethyst's eyes widened as he continued furiously, "I shattered Jasper during training and I brought her here to heal her! That's what happened! Because I can't control myself, and all she was trying to do was help me do that, and I-" Finally, he managed to cut himself off, but only with a low, muffled sob as he covered his mouth again.

Everything was dead silent for a while. The gems just stared. Jasper just stared. Steven was, honestly, considering just turning and heading back to the bathroom - but before he could entertain the thought any further, Amethyst slowly pushed herself up off of the couch to stand beside Pearl, who had both hands over her mouth now, staring at Steven in shock. "Steven…"

"I was used to being- to being just- not- good enough-" Steven interrupted before Amethyst could continue, mostly just in a desperate attempt to block out whatever she was going to say. He didn't want to hear it; to hear the disappointment and fear in her voice. He didn't even want to be having this conversation at all, but while they were there, he might as well be putting everything out on the table. No stone unturned. If he didn't come out and say it now, he might not ever get the chance to. Hell, this could be the last time he saw the gems anyway. He wouldn't blame them for not wanting him around - and even if they did, he couldn't just… he couldn't just stay there and pretend like this hadn't happened. "Just not good enough for you-! But now… Now…!"

Oddly enough, he thought back to Spinel. An anguished scream broke through his lips at the thought - well, more of a wail, really. Once again, the floor shook underneath them, the room rumbling in response to his emotions as he yelled, "I'm not good at all!"

"Oh, Steven…" Pearl stepped forward, reaching out, but Steven recoiled just as quickly. Not out of fear, but out of anger. Even now, when he'd just admitted to shattering someone, they were trying to comfort him. As if that was what he needed. But it wasn't! He didn't need comfort. He didn't need help. What he needed, now more than ever, was to be stopped. "Steven, please-"

"Let us help you, man," Amethyst's voice cracked, something Steven was surprised to hear, and it made tears rise to his own eyes somewhat out of instinct. But even then, it was overshadowed by a cold, hollow feeling twisting in his chest, as he flicked his gaze back and forth between all of them in pure disgust. Not for them, but for himself. He was hurting them. Just by being here, he was hurting all of them. He should have come out before; he should've said something before all of this had happened, and then maybe it wouldn't have been too late.

The hybrid forced himself to shake his head again, as much as it pained him, only able to feel relieved when the pink glow finally faded. He faltered, almost stumbling for a moment, but he managed to freeze and compose himself again with a sharp, shaky inhale. "You can't. I don't…" He swallowed, fighting back a sob. "I don't need help, Amethyst…! It's too late for that!"

"No, it's not-" Garnet sounded shocked, but Steven didn't give her any time to continue, whirling his head around to fix her with a glare that seemed to startle her even further.

"I shattered a gem, guys! I- I shattered- I killed someone! I killed Jasper!" Steven gestured toward the gem in question, who frowned slightly, arms still crossed over her chest as she gazed back at him in complete silence. "Don't you get it? Don't- don't you understand? I can't- I can't deal with that- I can't fix that!" He shook his head, mortified. "Th- That's the one thing I never- the one thing I thought I could count on myself to never- the one line I-" He stopped, unable to continue, and buried his face into his hands for a moment, just trying to breathe.

"Hey…" Pearl's voice was soft, hesitant. "Steven… it's okay… it'll be okay…"

"No it won't," Steven mumbled, keeping his head in his hands for a few moments longer before finally daring to look up again. "No it won't. Not this time, guys." He rubbed his arm over his eyes and looked toward Jasper again, staring at the scar for a moment. No, it would never be okay. Shattering someone, killing someone, would never be okay. Not for him. Maybe they could forgive him for it, but Steven knew he definitely couldn't. Because that was a line he had promised himself he would never cross, from the moment he had heard that 'Rose Quartz' had shattered 'Pink Diamond'. And even finding out that it had been a lie didn't sway him from it.

"I don't need help. And you can't help me anymore," Steven continued, ripping his gaze away from Jasper again and focusing on the floor. "It's too late for that. I- I need to be… I don't know. I need to be stopped. I need to be… contained. I need to be contro-" He stopped, and blinked.

The silence lasted a whole ten seconds before Pearl went rigid in front of him. "... Steven-"

"Controlled," Steven whispered, blinking rapidly as he looked up again, wide eyes focusing on Pearl for a moment. She looked absolutely horrified, and the concern on Amethyst and Garnet's faces only intensified further as both of them started to somewhat understand what Steven was getting at, but still not as much as Pearl. "Th- That's it-"

"Don't you dare," Pearl warned, and for the first time, she sounded more stern than Steven had ever heard her before in his life. He stared back at her, somewhat dubious, as she took another step toward him. "Steven, no. That's not- you can't-"

"What else am I supposed to do?" Steven hissed back in response. "Stick around here and wait 'til I lose control again? Maybe the next one I shatter will be you." He hadn't meant it as a threat - more of a warning, really. But it still hurt to see Pearl recoil from him as if she'd just been struck, and even more when Amethyst visibly tensed, taking a step forward somewhat defensively. Great. He told himself not to be surprised; of course they would be wary of him, he'd just admitted to shattering a gem. But he wasn't going to lie. It hurt. It hurt a lot.

"See what I mean?" He mumbled, shaking his head. "I can't be here anymore." He didn't wait for a response this time, pushing past Pearl and Amethyst and rushing upstairs. Ignoring the surprised shouts, the desperate cries as they called his name. He thought he even heard Jasper calling after him, but he didn't look back, didn't stop until he reached his garden, pressing his hand to the panel to open the door and slipping inside silently. The footsteps behind him got louder as the gems caught up, and he fixed his gaze on the warp pad ahead of him, frowning.

"Steven-!"

He turned his head slightly, bringing up another wall. This time intentionally; the gems barely avoided skidding into it, gasping in surprise, and Steven continued forward with a little more determination this time, rubbing his eyes. "I just need to stop, guys. They can stop me."

"Don't!" Amethyst screamed, pounding her fist against the wall.

"Steven, get back here!" Garnet yelled.

He heard Pearl sob, almost inaudibly. "Steven, please!"

Jasper was the only one silent. Steven didn't need to look back to know her eyes were fixed on him; for a moment, he almost felt like he was turning himself in again. Way back when he had willingly put himself on that Homeworld ship to pay for his mother's actions. But this was his own crime this time. And maybe it wasn't as bad as shattering a Diamond, but he still needed to face the consequences for it. Breathing in, he pressed his face into his hands and swallowed, stepping up onto the warp pad. The pink faded, receding to his cheeks and lingering for a few seconds before finally vanishing once again. "The Diamonds are family," he mumbled. "They know what it's like. They're powerful, like me. If anybody can stop me, it's gotta be them."

With that, he activated the warp pad, and tried to pretend he didn't hear Garnet's quiet, choked, 'we'll always be your family' as it whisked him away to Homeworld, and to whatever lied ahead.