"Still I feel like that child

As I look at the moon

Maybe I grew up

A little too soon."

For as long as he can remember, Kakashi has loved the night sky.

The pale shine of a full moon, waxing gibbous, waning gibbous, the promise of a new moon, the unending expanse of stars...there was something so fascinating about nighttime. Even when it was past his bedtime, Kakashi would stay up, staring at the sky until his eyes were sore and he nearly fell into his breakfast.

His dad notices and laughs his big belly laugh. "Your mom's up there, you know?" The laughs fade, and he gives Kakashi a sad smile. "She'd be very proud of you."

There are things Kakashi can do that no one else seems to be able to.

He's always more alert during nighttime, and he can see fine in the dark, maybe even better than when the lights are on. He leaves the lights off during the day, because it's bright and it doesn't quite hurt his eyes, but it's uncomfortable, like a shirt that's a size too small.

When he's happy, he can't seem to keep his feet on the floor. He jumps and gravity isn't able to bring him down. He likes bobbing in the air, especially during nighttime. He's closer to the moon that way.

He can tell when his tou-san is happy or sad or confused, no matter if he's smiling or frowning. It tickles at his chakra when his tou-san is happy, pulls when he's tired, drags when he's sad.

When tou-san finds him on his ceiling one morning after stargazing, he stares at Kakashi and his chakra (clean air and cedar trees and freshwater) is a jumble of confusedhappysadshocked before settling on pasthappylonginglove.

(Years later, Kakashi will call it nostalgia.)

"You get that from your mother, Puppy. But you can't tell anyone about it, okay?" He ruffles Kakashi's hair, and bats away any questions Kakashi had about the mysterious woman.

Kakashi keeps asking, and asking, because he wants to know so badly. Then, one day when he looks at the full moon, Tou-chan sighs, and says, "She's far from us now, Kashi." The man's face is a work of pain. "but-" he steered Kakashi's face towards the glowing light. "Whenever that light shines on you, know that she's watching over you, okay?"

Kakashi feels warm from his head to the tips of his toes.

Sometimes, when Kakashi dreams, he dreams of dark red lips on his cheek, whispers of love and good night, Kashi-chan in his ear. He dreams of waking up in the arms of a blurry female form with stick-like shapes coming out of her temples, and two dots on her forehead, with a big red diamond in the middle.

He draws her to show to tou-chan, and tou-chan's chakra is so sad that Kakashi vows never to draw her again.

Kakashi is a genius. He's 4 and he's going to be in the Academy in a few months. He turns his tou-san's words in his head and notices how he doesn't say she died or she passed away or she's no longer with us.

He researches all the synonyms for death in the library, even in the really dusty sections that make him sneeze with his mask on and he's sure the librarian thinks he has a penchant for necromancy but that's not the point.

His kaa-chan could be alive.

So he talks to the moon. A lot. Every day, in fact.

His tou-chan tucks him in, kisses his head, and when he leaves, Kakashi floats up to his window to start.

"Hi Kaa-chan. Today Tou-chan, Raiya-jii and I went on a camping trip, and I caught a rabbit all by myself! We ate it for dinner. I was going to save you some, but Tou-chan said you probably didn't want any, and Raiya-jii ate your portion. Do you not like rabbit?"

"Hi Kaa-chan. Today I learned how to use shuriken. Tou-chan only lets me use the wooden ones because he says they're dangerous. Do you know how to use shuriken?

"Hi Kaa-chan. Today Tou-chan and I took care of his wolf summons, and Raiya-jii's toad summons. The wolves smelled kinda bad so we washed them all with shampoo and now they smell like strawberries! The toads didn't like it. Do you like strawberries?"

He ends each with a question. It's silly, but he hopes it hooks his Kaa-chan in, and hopefully, she would answer. it would be nice if his Kaa-san could answer sometime.

Kakashi is 5, and his dad is laying in a puddle of his own blood.

Kakashi comes back late from playing with the wolf ninken in the park, since Tou-chan had to meet the Hokage, and couldn't come with him. Kakashi wanted to argue, but Tou-chan's chakra has been sadsadsad since that mission, and Kakashi just wants his tou-chan to be happy.

But now he's not, because he's bleeding all over the tatami mat, bathed in an almost perfect circle of moonlight. His silver hair gleams dark red in the illumination.

He sits down next to his tou-chan, nudges him, asks him to wake up, cries himself tired, but tou-san. won't. wake. He barely notices the blood soaking his clothes. Tou-san. won't. wake.

His chakra isn't the tiredhappylove mix it usually is when he comes home from a mission, or even the tiredempty it's been the past few weeks, it's a grey slate, an empty clearing in Kakashi's chakra.

He loses it.

The Military Police come due to a noise complaint from a neighbor, and they drag him away from his house, kicking and screaming, into the hands of ANBU, then the Hokage, and finally Minato-san and Kushina-san. And Kakashi can't understand, because the moonlight was right there and his Kaa-san isn't there and Tou-chan is wrong but Tou-chan is also dead.

"Hi Kaa-chan. Tou-chan is gone-" his voice cracks, and he hides under Kushina-san's miso themed blanket. Kakashi can only see a sliver of the full moon from the spare room in the Namikaze-Uzumaki apartment complex - He'd fly to the window in the kitchen, but he's too sad to leave his bed. "I would really like to see you. Do you think you could come and see me?"

"Hi Kaa-chan. If you can hear me, can you visit sometime?"

"Hi Kaa-chan. Are you there?"

Tou-san dies, and Raiya-ji doesn't come for him.

Raiya-ji, who never came into the compound from the door, but always used the window in the kitchen, only stopping when he burned his foot in a pot of rice. Raiya-ji, who told him stories of far off villages and his heroics with his team in the Second Shinobi World War, who told Kakashi that maybe one day he'd take him to the Land of Hot Water with the clearest view of the night sky, or maybe wrestle him into taking the toad contract.

Raiya-ji must hear that his best friend is dead, and Raiya-ji stays in whatever Kami forsaken land he's currently cooped up in.

And that's…

(disappointing. Gut-wrenching. Scary. He's surrounded by barely recognizable strangers and they keep asking him questions about his tou-san and their chakra is all unfamiliar and mean and sad and he wants to leaveleaveleave who would care if he left too-)

okay.

"Kaa-san."

Kakashi is six, and he finally graduated from the Academy. He's top of his class, the greatest prodigy in a decade. He's going to be the official apprentice of Minato-san, and Kushina-san is teaching him basic seals. He's getting stronger, strong enough to fight, strong enough to be alone and live alone.

Strong enough to never depend on anyone ever again.

With that in mind, he stands at a small, shallow hole he's dug himself in the Hatake Shrine, deep in the thicket of the compound.

He's filled it with small things that remind him of his mother, the way the ceremonial scrolls told him to: pale white and red glass stones, a rabbit foot, strawberry seeds, and two polished sticks.

He wields his tanto, channels his chakra into the blade until it's glowing white. His tou-san showed him how to do this on wooden tanto, but now that he's gone the heirloom is his.

He thinks he's doing it right. He hopes he's doing it right. He hasn't seen a Hatake burial, but he's read up on what he thinks he needs to do.

And if this can deter him from gazing instinctively at the sky whenever he's upset, he thinks it'll be for the best. The blade is nearly as white as the moon, and the thought sends a lance of pain through Kakashi's chest.

"Kaa-san," he whispers. He never learned her name, his tou-san never said anything. He described her pale face and eyes, her desire for peace and her absolutely devastating strength, but nothing for Kakashi to track. He's a Hatake, with a nose and tracking instincts that can put the Inuzuka to shame, but he doesn't have anything to find her with.

(he's. not. bitter. not at all.)

She's far from us now, Kashi.

He's six, but he learns that sometimes people dying is a better option than people disappearing on him.

Along with other members of the clan, he's supposed to say words about her life, her personality, stories to remember her by. He doesn't have any clan members. He doesn't have any stories. All he has are a handful of second-hand accounts from a man who loved him so much he killed himself in their family room and left him alone.

He swallows the pale glow of a smile, the good night Kashi-chan, and whisper-soft kisses on his cheek that edge around the barrier of his memories, his dreams, and his hallucinations. He finally croaks, "May Oyamatsumi guide you safely through the mountains to the unending peace of the Pure Lands."

He buries the tanto to the hilt, and the ground glows. He allows himself to look at the crescent moon. Just one more indulgence.

No one is there to see him cry.

Kakashi is 8 and gathers the courage to return to the Hatake clan compound again for the family summoning contracts. He's a chunin now, has been for a year, and he thinks deserves to be able to summon ninken. He loves Minato-sensei, but he doesn't want to summon toads.

(A hand ruffles his hair, big and tan, and he looks up into warm brown eyes, shaded by white spikes. "Look at my cute little nephew! Your tou-san better watch out, or I'll snatch you up!")

He hovers over the scrolls, tucked safely away in the room of Hatake heirlooms. The Hatake have always passed down the wolf contract from clan head to clan heir, but Kakashi has seen the way wolf ninken howl at the moon, the way tou-san would gaze up in longinglovesadness in turn.

He's wasted so much time on the moon. He doesn't want to waste more.

He grabs the dog contract instead.

Most days the sadness weighs him down so much he doesn't even try to fly. The sadness from Minato-sensei's wind and sunshine and Kushina-nee's ocean and seagrass chakra may be hidden by smiles, but they act like anchors all the same.

Some days, the sadness weighs him down so much he barely gets out of bed. He trains, and he trains, enough to pretend the heaviness that drags him down into his blankets is from exertion.

On the training ground, he writes his name on the contract, and after a small pull on his chakra, a small brown pug emerges, following him in circles.

"Summoner, my name is Pakkun!" he says. Kakashi rubs his head, and Pakkun wrinkles his nose, before tilting his head. "You smell funny. Do all humans smell like you?"

Kakashi shrugs and rubs Pakkun's belly. The heaviness feels a little lighter.

"My name is Kakashi, Pakkun. It's nice to meet you."

Kakashi is 12, and Minato-sensei puts him on a team with a boy who is never on time, and a girl who stares and blushes at him enough to make him shift uncomfortably.

Uchiha Obito, deadlast with chakra that feels like firewood and earth. Nohara Rin, a fangirl, with chakra that bubbles like lakes and streams.

During introductions, he states the things he doesn't mind (training, the village), and the many things he does (idiocy, disregard for the rules, the idiot in spandex named Gai). He states he has no goals other than to become a shinobi Konoha can be proud of, and forces himself not to glance up at the hot sun in the (moonless) sky.

Minato-sensei smiles at him gently, and for all the man is a fearsome jonin, Kakashi can only describe him as soft. "Kakashi, you love the moon and the stars, don't you? Jiraiya-sensei said you alwa-"

"I hate the stars," he says, throat tight. "He was wrong." The three members of his new team stare at him with wide eyes.

He walks away.

In Kakashi's mind, Raiya-ji becomes Jiraiya-jisan becomes Jiraiya-san becomes Jiraiya-sama.

No one else notices the progression until Jiraiya himself makes his once-in-a-blue-moon return to Konoha. Kakashi is just trying to help Kushina-nee cook and set the table. (he was promised salt broiled saury and a sealing lesson and he will make good on that promise.)

The food is done, Kakashi's laid out the utensils and bowls. He's waiting for Kushina-nee to finish spooning the miso when he feels the pulsing chakra (toads and fresh ink) and a foot is coming through the kitchen window.

oh. OH.

Raiy-Jiraiya-sama flips over the pots to land on the wooden floor in his signature pose, just in enough time to for Kushina-nee's hair to rise into nine tendrils as she berates him on giving her notice of his visits before she cooks.

Jiraiya-sama looks at him, and his chakra is sadproudhappylove and Kakashi wants to scream and cry and maybe hug the man, and maybe punch him in the face.

"Long time no see Kashi!" he says, like it hasn't been over 6 years, like Kakashi isn't well on his way to becoming a jonin. Like he didn't stop being Kakashi's Raiya-ji when he didn't come back to Konoha for him.

Kakashi bows, holds it long enough to blink away any water in his eyes, and rises. "Welcome back, Jiraiya-sama." He grabs the miso bowls from the counter and wanders over to the table.

The burst of painsorrowregret from the kitchen isn't enough to make him turn back.

He had believed he was only able to summon one ninken, until he tries to summon Pakkun on a heavy heavy night and he hears one light thump and one heavy thump on his floor.

"Pakkun?" he whispers. He's been eyeing his kunai a bit too long, and no good can come out of picking up his weapon pouch right now.

The puppy jumps on his bed, walking around in circles before sitting on Kakashi's chest. He feels like he's suffocating, but this pressure is a good ache.

He turns away from his view of his weapons pouch, and there's a bulldog on his bedroom floor.

A bulldog. Who stares at him silently, before giving him a wave.

Why not.

"That's Bull." Pakkun says. He's watching Kakashi closely, and Kakashi can't feel the emotions of his ninken but Kakashi would say Pakkun smells worried.

"You smell sad," Pakkun whispers.

Kakashi tries to smile and fails. "I'm okay Pakkun."

Pakkun stares a little longer, and suddenly the puppy is jumping on his chest. "Get up, we're gonna lie on the floor. " At Kakashi's lack of movement, he growls. "Unless you want me to break your bed."

And knowing Pakkun, he'll make good on that promise.

The floor is hard and cold, but Pakkun lies on his chest and Bull cuddles up to his stomach, and Kakashi sleeps the longest he has in a while.

He doesn't notice when the determinationangerjealousy of Obito and the affectioncarehappy of Rin become loveprotectlove when focused on him, but when he does, he's in the middle of a spar, and Obito catches his shock with a punch to the face.

In his confusion, Kakashi goes down. Obito is a mess of worrytriumph, but he cheers anyway. From her corner, Rin is a jumble of worryconfusion. Kakashi's hands shake.

They shouldn't - he has to be alone.

He vows to place more distance between them.

Kakashi turns 13, and he wakes up to a searing pain in his temples. His head is pounding, and he runs to the bathroom to splash water on his face, or maybe throw up, and-

There are horns. On his head.

He

Has

...Horns?

They're tiny and pale, less than an inch that protrudes from his forehead, and Kakashi remembers pale skin and pale eyes and two protrusions he thought were sticks.

Horns. They were horns.

He laughs and laughs until he cries, not noticing he's floating until he hits the ceiling.

He uses a seal, fills his mask with enough chakra to make a long-lasting facial henge, and he doesn't show anybody.

And if Minato and Kushina radiate confusion from the minute they sense the amount of chakra around his face but don't say anything, that's fine with him.

Kakashi is 13, and he watches his best friend die in a dark cave.

The dark has never bothered him. But now, he can see Obito's last breaths in increasing clarity. The blood on his face and fingers, the way his hands shake. He wishes he couldn't.

Kakashi leaves the cave with a new eye and a heart of glass. He closes his eyes, but Obito's words only ring in his head.

In the world, those who break the rules are scum, but those who abandon their friends are worse than scum!

He sees his tou-san, lying on the floor. Raiya-ji, hiking up his bag for another journey. A pale, full moon from his bedroom window.

When he opens his eyes, searching for anything, he's only left with a million stars painted across the sky, and the omnipresent dark of a new moon.

It appears that his ninken have a mind of their own.

Pakkun summons Bull, who summons Akino, who summons Uhei, who summons Guruko, who summons Bisuke, who summons Urushi, who summons Shiba.

They somehow appear when he can't take the heaviness of his thoughts anymore, when the emotions of the world feel too heavy. They don't try to talk to him, like Minato-sensei. They don't tell him it's not his fault, like Kushina-nee. They don't look at him on the verge of tears, like Rin.

They push and shove each other, vying for Kakashi's attention, make messes of his room, annoy his neighbors, and settle down to sleep beside him more nights than not.

Kakashi loves them to pieces.

Kakashi is 14, and Rin dies with his hand squeezed around her heart.

Kakashi is 14, and Sensei and Kushina-nee die on his watch.

It can't be a mistake. There's something wrong with him.

He's not strong enough for friends. He sees the way people skirt around him, hears them call him Nakamagoroshi Kakashi.

Friend Killer Kakashi. He deserves it.

There must be a reason why no one he loves seems to stick around, why he's not strong enough to keep them from dying, no matter how much he tries. Maybe his kaa-san was a mistake, but Raiya-ji? Obito? Rin? So he refuses to make any more precious people. He disappears into the blood and shadows of ANBU.

But...Kakashi is 14, and Naruto lives.

The Hokage places him with a wet nurse in the Red light district, and tells Kakashi nothing else.

(That's fine. He's a Hatake. Tracking is in his blood.)

He can't be responsible for another death. He can't have Sensei's child's blood on his hands when he already feels Rin's heart pulsing weakly through his fingers every night. The Hokage's gag order is serious, however, and he risks being removed from the forces if he doesn't comply.

And that's - there's nothing left in this world for him to be other than a ninja. He works best alone when he doesn't have to rely on anyone (and he doesn't have to be responsible for others dying, even if he always brings his squad back alive). But if he can bathe in blood for a bit longer, it means Naruto won't have to for that much longer.

The answer, he realizes, is simple.

He pulls an Obito. He helps the men and women of the Red light district on his off days. He volunteers at civilian shelters. He babysits, and he walks dogs, and he garners goodwill of the most misunderstood villagers of Konoha.

And it's… nice.

He's helping the village, and he doesn't have to kill anyone. He walks women home from bars, and breaks up fights in brothels, and picks up children from school for the women working on the corner, or bartending. He learns to navigate the district better than his own apartment.

To the shinobi of Konoha, he's still Nakamagoroshi Kakashi. To the District, he's Tenshi, or Kashi-chan. He's no angel, but for a moment he can forget the amount of blood on his hands, just for a little while longer.

Some days, he returns to his barren apartment and finds he's floating.

It's...nice.

He reads books from the Red light District to cover his time there. He's 16 when he finds Icha Icha, hovers over the author, but decides to read the series against his better judgment.

It's good. The women of the district roll their eyes, and the men smirk, but he follows the plot, picks up on the subtle code in the plots and characters, and pretends he's only happy to see a new copy of the book because he gets more porn.

(it's not because it means that Jiraiya-sama is still alive somewhere in the world. It isn't.)

Naruto is placed in the orphanage and ostracized by everyone.

The Hokage does nothing.

Kakashi watches, and seethes, and watches.

Naruto is 5, and gets kicked out of the orphanage, and moved into an apartment of his own.

In the heart of the Red Light District.

He's 5.

Kakashi is 19 and furious when he finds out, fresh from a 3-week mission.

He allows himself a breakdown, ruins a training ground or two, and stares, exhausted, at the crescent moon. The next day, he signs himself up as Naruto's guard and pulls every favor he can.

And the men and women of Konoha deliver.

He knew what he was doing when he started helping.

(Obito probably wouldn't like his underhandedness)

But he didn't realize how much they would help.

Not much can be said for the civilians who call him names and kick Naruto out of stores, the ones who see themselves above the 'whores' and 'vagabonds' of Konoha. Kakashi breaks the wrist of one sneering bastard who thinks slapping a 5-year-old is okay and is sent out on a 1-month mission to Snow Country two days later. The Hokage doesn't let Kakashi watch Naruto on more than a 1-week rotation at a time before he's sent on another mission.

Distance. He understands the Hokage's game.

So he guards, and he watches from the shadows, and he doesn't come any closer. And Ume-chan and Akiko from the brothel pick Naruto up from the Academy, and he pays Kino-san from the homeless shelter to make sure Naruto gets fresh food from the market. He slips money into Naruto's silly frog wallet, leaves kid-friendly recipes on the counter, and arranges a tab with Teuchi and Ayame at Ichiraku's, making sure to pay it off after every mission.

(Ume ruffles his hair and Akiko calls him Sunflower and Kino gives him dango when he gets back from Academy, and it makes Kakashi float seeing Naruto's sunshine and sea salt chakra jump around in happiness. He wishes Sensei and Kushina-nee could see it.

That thought sets his feet on the ground again.)

It's not enough, but he can't do anything more.

Kakashi is 20, and he's an ANBU of Konoha.

Naruto is 6 and fails the Academy.

Kakashi is 21, and he's an ANBU Captain of Konoha.

Naruto is 7 and fails the Academy.

Kakashi is 22, and his cute little kohai Itachi makes the not so cute or little decision to massacre his entire clan in one night.

He leaves a child staring blankly at the world, surrounded by blood and the dead in the unforgiving light of a full moon.

Naruto grows up alone, hated by many but fiercely cherished by a devoted few. No one intercedes for the last Uchiha.

No one removes Sasuke from his house. No one stops the boy from drifting through Konoha like a living ghost.

He sees Sasuke, but he sees Itachi, and he sees Obito.

And he fails them all.

The next few years are drenched in blood, death, and what the ANBU psychologist calls "suicide missions". He's only taking the hardest missions so others don't have to.

The ANBU Psychologist calls this "punishing himself". The ANBU Psychologist, Kakashi decides, is an idiot.

The shinobi of Konoha stop calling him Nakamagoroshi Kakashi. They barely talk to him at all. When Asuma and Kurenai try, he rebuffs them. He barely talks to any shinobi out of ANBU, except for Gai, a much bigger, much greener idiot in spandex, who challenges him to unnecessary contests of strength, and he only accepts the taijutsu ones.

(Gai's chakra is incandescent wisps of green and gold. For as much emotion he visibly witnesses on the man, he barely feels anything, and it's intriguing and also refreshing. He's tired of sinking into the emotions of everyone every single Kami damned day.)

He loses time, and he comes back to himself scrubbing his hands of Rin's blood, with Obito's eye pulsing painfully. He takes missions back to back and almost collapses while paying off Naruto's bill.

(He's fine. He hasn't slept more than 3 hours in 19 days and 16 hours but he's fine-)

He actually collapses in the hallway of his apartment complex and wakes up in the hospital. Apparently he had severe chakra exhaustion and severe malnutrition. They put chakra bindings on his arms and legs, an IV in his arm, and the ANBU Psychologist is back and frowning hard.

A week into his recovery, he tries to take another ANBU mission and gets denied. He takes a couple of guard rotations for Naruto, and picks up Ume-chan's daughter Namiko from the civilian school.

When he reaches Ume's apartment, people are screaming and Kakashi grabs his kunai, ready to protect sweet, honest Ume and her six-year-old child from the sea of chakra behind the door-

And… it's a surprise party.

For him.

Apparently he's 25.

Huh.

Kakashi is 26 and sometimes, he often wonders what it would be like to die.

His life is fine, he supposes. He is feared respected at his job, he's provided protection for his Sensei's legacy, he's had a long line of successful missions, the best in ANBU and the second-longest career, besides the Commander.

His life is fine. He completed his goal of being a shinobi Konoha respects.

The issue (or answer, he thinks in the dark) lies in the fact that there's nothing else he wants to do. Naruto is safe as he can be in the District, he's shared his skills among his kohai (and Itachi, Shisui, and Tenzo were adorable even though they looked at him like he was insane), and he likes to think sometimes, his friends and his Sensei and Kushina-nee wouldn't be too disappointed in him.

The thoughts cycle, until one day he loses time and finds himself finishing his will (all money and items go to Naruto, in the hold of the Hokage until he's old enough to use them), his tanto spinning in his hand, and eyes on the full moon.

With everything done that he's needed to do here, maybe he'll finally figure out another mystery.

He's not sure of exactly what he's doing, even if he knows exactly what he's doing. But he lines up his tanto, breathes out -

and Bull tackles him to the ground.

In a puff of smoke, the rest of his ninken are there, and Pakkun is throwing his ANBU tanto out the window, eyes wild, and snarling.

Kakashi's face burns. "I wasn't-" he shakes his head. "I just wanted-"

Pakkun whines, and rubs his nose. He stares at Kakashi with wet, sad eyes. "You smell really weird for a human. You smell really sad too." And he's suddenly at the bottom of a doggy pile, and his ninken are whining and he almost left them alone.

OOO

They don't let him out of their sight for days, following him to the market, the grocery store, refusing to dispel themselves even in the presence of the Hokage.

It would be adorable if it wasn't so annoying.

He only sees them stop when he completes challenges with Gai. He holds onto this anchor with all he has, not noticing Gai's small green and gold chakra saddening and saddening, until Gai finds Kakashi in a destroyed training field in the middle of the night, because there's nothing left for him to do here and he doesn't want need to be here anymore.

"Eternal Rival. Please stop."

He continues pounding a tree, and some small part of him realizes he's mangled his hands somewhere in between Tree #3 and Tree #46 that he's destroyed. Yikes. He's definitely going to need to bribe Tenzo to help him fix this.

"Eternal Rival."

Gai's voice is closer, and Kakashi wonders how the man looks so happy all the time. Kakashi hasn't been able to fly in years, drags himself out of bed for missions that he doesn't care about, not really, and he's good at them but he's not sure if that's the point, because he's been coating his hands in blood since he was a child and he stabs Rin in the chest with a Chidori every night and it's his signature move and all he's shown Obito with his eye is blood death and destruction-

"Kakashi!"

Gai's chakra (now grass and gold) has spiked and he must have opened at least 3 gates, because his face is red and he's gripping Kakashi's arm with enough pressure and force to break it. He radiates enough sadness to stop Kakashi in his tracks.

"You need to stop, Kakashi. You need to stop." He struggles, because he doesn't need this right now, and Gai's suddenly restraining him until Kakashi realizes it's a hug.

He looks up at the moon (third quarter, he could have sworn it was a crescent yesterday) and breaks.

Gai holds him while he collapses, and keeps holding, and keeps holding.

He supposes he'll stay in ANBU until he dies, but a few weeks later he comes back from a mission to see his active status has been changed, and he's no longer on the ANBU roster.

Weird. He would know if he decided to retire.

The Hokage tells him he's going to be a jonin sensei for the last Uchiha, Sensei's son, and a civilian girl who seems so much like Rin, even her last name is similar.

The Sandaime looks at him with sadtiredregret, and tells Kakashi he has no choice.

Kakashi takes down his mask, and looks in the mirror.

His horns are at least four inches now. They're extremely sensitive and he has to suppress a shiver when he touches one.

He tries to remember something that resembles happiness, something that would make his feet leave the ground, and he can't think of anything. His feet stay on the ground.

He doesn't think he should be a teacher.

In his opinion, he tries, but he knows it's not enough.

They're his, they're pack, but...

He tries to stop Sasuke from imploding, tries to give him attention and a reason to stay, but Sasuke's lighting and wildfire chakra has always been a mess of ragehurt since the beginning. Kakashi should have known he wouldn't be able to get through to him.

Naruto is so bright and so much like his parents, it hurts. He hides his sadconfusedhurt about Konoha with a smile like Kakashi hasn't been able to see through since he was running away from the villagers at 4 years old. He doesn't give Sakura nearly enough support, and when it all explodes in his face and he's down a student, he pushes her berries and soil chakra towards Tsunade, his Godaime.

(He likes Tsunade-sama; she doesn't care what others think, she's strong, and it has nothing to do with her pale skin and light hair and the diamond in the middle of her face that looks so familiar even if it's smaller and the wrong color.)

Jiraiya-sama emerges from the woodwork to sweep Naruto away on a 2-year training trip to get stronger. Kakashi would be happier if he knew how liable Jiraiya was to not sticking around.

The night before the two leave, he tracks toads and fresh ink to a training ground in the middle of the forest. Jiraiya opens one orange, slitted eye. It pains a small part of Kakashi to see the wrinkles, stress, and lingering grief on the man's face, feel the bone-deep tired in his chakra.

"It's a clear night out," Jiraiya offers. Kakashi waits for the point. "You can see all the stars."

He sighs. It seems there is none. This conversation is decades too late and decades too tone-deaf for Kakashi to care.

"He's a child," Kakashi starts. He keeps his body relaxed, though all he wants is to bunch his fists. "He's had no one his entire life, and I am no longer suited to help him." He looks away from the dawning understanding in the Sage's eyes. "He attaches himself to whoever gives him two seconds of attention, for good or for bad. I need to know that if things get difficult you won't leave him in the middle of nowhere for your next adventure."

Kakashi resists the urge to wince. Maybe he still does care.

"I'm sorry I wasn't there for you."

And that is...

He wasn't expecting that.

Jiraiya is standing, slipping off sage mode like an old coat and turning to look Kakashi head-on. "I'm sorry for not being here Kakashi. But I had a duty to Konoha, a duty I will carry until I die." Toads and Ink flickers in remorsedeterminationregret.

Kakashi is very familiar with excuses. He bats this one away.

"Naruto is now my priority. For the sake of Konoha, Kushina, and Minato, I will take care of him." Kakashi doesn't believe for one second that sentimental ties will drive Jiraiya, no matter how emotional the man can be. But the man is good at putting his words together, and his chakra points to him telling the truth.

And he can't threaten a Sage, can he?

"Of course, Jiraiya-sama." He fakes an eye-smile, and he's gone.

"When will you stop?" Akiko asks him one day, glaring at him from across the room. He's back in the dark of ANBU, just off an assassination mission in Kiri that nearly shattered his left leg. He's slumped in her apartment, nestled into his favorite spot on her couch.

"Maa Kiko-chan, I don't know what you're talking about." He smiles. Akiko is now a secretary for the Military Police, and has a new apartment on the edge of the district. He's happy that she has flourished.

"We all think you're going to kill yourself on these missions, Tenshi-chan," she whispers. Her dark hair falls into her face. "Please," she begs. "Remember how many people care about you."

He wants people to stop caring, wants people to leave him be, wants the guilt of coming into the district to stop.

"I only helped you so you would help Naruto," he snarls, and he mourns the words as soon as he lets them out. The contentmenthappy of Akiko darkens to hurthurthurt, and Kakashi wishes he could jump back in time and slap himself. He gathers himself up, prepared to leave, and-

"Do you think we don't know that?" she whispers, and Kakashi's blood runs cold. He chances a glance back at her.

Her head is down, fists bunched, and if she had more chakra Kakashi has no doubt she would be radiating killing intent.

"Did you think we wouldn't know?" she says, and when she looks up, brown eyes are glistening with rage. "When a clan brat, the student of the Yondaime comes to the District, you think we didn't know you wanted something from us?" She laughs, a harsh bark, nothing like her usual roaring laughter.

"We're prostitutes, Kakashi. We understand the trade of services. You wanted to gather our favor for something, and we just thought it was your roundabout, clan shinobi way of trying to fuck one of us. Been there, done that. It's not that unusual."

Kakashi can't quite catch his breath, because Akiko's chakra has changed to something he doesn't want to name, because he doesn't deserve it.

"Whether you came into the district or not, we would have looked after Naruto. We protect our own," she growls lowly, "because no one else will. Do you know why we cared?"

He shakes his head silently, unsure what to make of the angerupsetdisbelief, and she sighs, and the anger leaves her in a breath.

"You stayed," she says, a low murmur. "You stayed, and you came whenever you weren't on a mission and made copies of yourself to help as many of us as you could. You joked with the kids and let them play with your dogs and basically ran the shelter when Kino got sick, and you helped all the new girls get home when they first started at the brothel and didn't know up from down."

Kakashi shook his head. She needs to understand how he used them, took advantage of their kindness. "But I-"

She holds up a hand. "Tenshi, where's Naruto?"

Kakashi furrows a brow, and says, "He's on a training trip. He has been for almost 2 years. Why-"

She smiles, and suddenly she's gentle Akiko again. "There's no service. Naru is almost 16, and doesn't need you to protect him anymore. You haven't asked us for anything, we haven't offered anything. And you still help us."

And Kakashi, not paying attention to the chakra of civilians, didn't realize when Akiko's small pool of chakra swelled with loveprotectworry, but as he walks the district, he feels it everywhere: when Ume-chan rolls her eyes at him but gives him the last dumpling at dinner, when the bookstore owner gives him a free copy of the new Icha Icha, when Kino flicks his forehead and Namiko refuses to let him pick her up from school anymore because she's a teenager now but still calls him Tenshi-nii.

"We protect our own," she says again, and she gives him a weak smile. "Don't you think we want to protect you too?"

His heart pounds painfully.

The two years of ANBU pass quickly, and then Konoha is attacked by the Akatsuki and Kakashi dies.

That's...fine. He's lived a long life for a ninja but he wishes he had done more to protect his kids, to stop Sasuke from going down the wrong path, to strengthen Sakura and Naruto. He wishes he hadn't seen Jiraiya-sama die. He has so many wishes and so many regrets.

His tou-san smiles painfully at him by a campfire and of course, in this space where his tou-san has not passed on the moon is always bright and full.

Kakashi catches him up on what he's missed.

"Your mother would be so very proud." Kakashi resists the urge to roll his eyes. He feigns a considering noise and stares into the fire.

"When we pass on, we'll finally know for sure," he says, after a moment of watching the flames flicker. A stick hits him in the head.

"She's not dead, Kakashi." And Kakashi so doesn't need this right now.

"Of course. She's far from us, right?" And he can't feel his tou-san's emotions anymore, can't really feel much of anything, but he knows he isn't happy with Kakashi's sarcasm.

"I know you don't believe me, but she would have been here if she could have. Everything she has done, she's done for peace, and for family." his tou-san's voice is tight.

Kakashi hums. "Everything she's done feels a lot like nothing to me." He turns to his tou-san, watches sadness and hurt flicker across his face, and Kakashi feels a flicker of regret.

"I'm sorry-"

"I'm sorry for leaving you Kakashi." It's the second time he's heard that, and he's not sure what apologies do for moments so far in the past. His tou-san made a choice; one he thought was selfish until he realized just how tortured that choice was. Until he almost made the choice himself. He left the emptytiredheaviness for Kakashi to carry, alone. But he can't be angry at this man anymore.

So he nods over the lump in his throat, and they both stare into the fire.

"Will you tell me who she is now?" Kakashi blurts. "We have a lot of time."

His tou-san stares at him, then sighs. "I wasn't supposed to tell you, but her name is Ka-" and there's a bright light on him, and he's being swept away from the fire before he even has time to curse.

There's barely any time to think before there's a Fourth Shinobi World War, and as Kakashi looks around at the faces of his reanimated sensei and Obito, a hysterical part of him thinks that death is merely a conspiracy. He won't be surprised if Rin and Kushina are hovering around somewhere in the crowd.

But Zetsu betrays Madara, and tells them all he's the manifestation of Kaguya's will, and Kaguya is suddenly there herself.

The fight starts without fanfare, and somehow they end up in a kamidamned lava dimension and he doesn't even have to think before he flies to Sakura to save her from a fiery doom. They fight, and fight, and eventually, Kaguya pauses, and Kakashi gets to really look at her.

Kaguya has long pale hair, pale skin, and two pale dots on her forehead, with a red-eye in the middle that glints like diamonds. Her lips are as red as blood, and she gazes around the Shinobi Alliance Force with an even expression Kakashi sees in the mirror every day.

For civilians and Shinobi, Kakashi sees emotions through their chakra. For Kaguya and Hagoromo, the sheer amount of chakra they have seems to make their emotions burst out in halos of colors around them, and Kaguya is red with rage and grief.

The pieces don't quite fall together. They shatter at his feet.

Your mom's up there, you know.

She's far from us now, Kashi.

"I wasn't supposed to tell you, but her name is Ka-"

Kaguya.

Kaguya.

Kaguya.

He doesn't realize he's laughing until his cute little students and Kaguya are staring at him like he's gone mad. Maybe he has.

His

Kaa-san

Is

An

Alien

Goddess.

And an awful one at that. Kakashi can't forget a bitch named Black Zetsu orchestrating some of the worst disasters in shinobi history to bring her back to the world. The manifestation of her will has murdered and tortured thousands over the centuries, corrupted his best friend, led to the downfall of Sasuke. A manifestation of her will who never looked at Kakashi until it was time to use him in one of its plans.

Her aura is a mosaic of confusion, and horror, and sadness, and all of Kakashi's chakra is trying to pull him towards his mother.

"You're just like them, aren't you Kakashi." The sadness flares a bit, but her face remains placid. You disappoint me." His kids are turning their heads back and forth between them like it's a tennis match.

He thinks of the days he stared at the sky, floating by the window until all he could see was the moon. He thinks of a sloppy funeral in the Hatake compound in the middle of the night. He thinks of his tou-san, trapped between this world and the Pure Lands, gazing longingly at the moon for decades.

"Maa," he pulls down his mask, and his horns are out and on display. He relishes in the choked noises in the background. "I can't say I'm not disappointed either, Kaa-san. Here I was, expecting a hug, not threats of murder and the enslavement of humankind."

Silence. Then:

Naruto swears. "Kaka-sensei's an alien?"

Sasuke gapes.

Sakura watches on, nonplussed. When Sasuke and Naruto both stare at her, she states, "He flew to save me from falling into that lava. And he's able to eat food with a mask on, and make no mess. We've all known he was strange from the beginning."

He loves his kids. He'll thank them for the laugh later when it feels like his nerves aren't being scraped raw.

Her eyes study him intently. The small part of him that wakes from nightmares to stare at the moon braces himself for her scorn.

"You look just like Sakumo," is not what he expected. Her aura blooms slightly pink with love, rimmed black with grief.

He's thought of this moment for years, and no matter how much he's thought over what he could say, what he would say, nothing comes out. He's gone through anger, he's gone through grief, denial, anguish, and his emotions have wrung him dry.

"You can choose," Kaguya says. Her eyes continue to bore into his soul. "I never wanted to leave you and your tou-san, but you weren't safe, so I sent you forward in time." Zetsu frowns, but stays by her side.

"I apologize for leaving you, but we can be a family now, Kashi-chan." And the dreams are no longer dreams, but moments he can't decide to linger on without breaking. He's already hanging on by a thread.

"Sensei," Sakura calls, but she sounds so far away.

A family.

He had wished for her for years. Had needed her for years, cried and screamed and begged the moon for an answer. He never got one when it mattered.

People always tell him they're sorry when it's too late.

"You never chose me before- why now?" He asks, barely above a whisper.

And the answer is obvious, in the way Zetsu and Kaguya glance over their group, the reanimated Kages, the sage's chakra brimming from Naruto and Sasuke, the sheer determination and groundbreaking strength of Sakura.

He can't say that if Kaguya came to him earlier, sincere, he would have said no. He knows how weak he was in his lowest moments. If she had come after tou-san, or Obito, or Rin…well, there's no point thinking about it now.

He won't be a tool.

He takes a step back, pulls up his mask, and gives her a smile of glass. "No," he says, and together, Team 7 attacks.

Hagoromo praises the reincarnations of his sons, and Kakashi watches his older brother with detached interest. He wonders if the Sage of Six Paths knew he had another brother. He wonders if he would have cared.

His ponderings don't go unnoticed, and it's the Sage himself who bows to him, before wrapping him in a hug.

"Thank you, Otouto." the Sage is warm and solid, and his aura and chakra scream loveproudprotect, and Kakashi realizes he's shaking. They're both shaking.

Kaguya is gone, and the Allied Shinobi Force is cheering, and he's happy, but he-

Kaguya's last sound was an earth-shattering screech that felt like it was shredding his chakra in two. He watched her face contort in agony, watched her chakra shrink. He can't quite say he misses her, he didn't know her, but he can't say he doesn't not miss her.

He wishes she weren't evil. He wishes Obito didn't become evil. He has a lot of wishes and a lot of regrets.

Hagoromo seems to understand that.

"We weren't there for you, Hamura and I." And it's not an apology, it's a statement, and Kakashi appreciates it. He nods into his brother's shoulder.

"You protected them, gave them skills, and helped them grow," the sage whispers in his ear. "They are as much yours as they are mine, if not more."

Kakashi can't say he doesn't cry.

Weeks later, when Kaguya is sealed, and all is said and done, it's his students who sit next to him in the reconstruction. He's pretty sure Ichiraku's used to be around here. Naruto can't be happy about that.

Naruto is incredibly quiet. He picks at his pant leg. Stares at the wreckage of Konoha. Sasuke and Sakura sit a bit too close to each other on his other side.

"The Sage-" Naruto starts, then backtracks. "Our dad?" He glances at Sasuke, and mismatched eyes blink back—Sasuke still seems as bewildered as he does. "Our other dad?" he wrinkles his nose in confusion, scratches his head, and Sakura reaches around Kakashi to slap the back of his head and tell him to get on with it. Kakashi laughs. Some things will never change.

"The Sage said something interesting after the battle," Naruto says, and Kakashi is proud of how far this boy has grown. He thought the boy would say after we knocked out your Kaa-san together or something along those lines.

"He talked about how you always looked out for us, and I got to thinking about how growing up, no one really liked me because of the furball." He shrugs off the old wound, and the hurt barely registers in his chakra, a mix of wonderhappyrealization.

The pride in Kakashi's chest swells.

"But when I got moved out of the orphanage, and into the Red light district, everyone seemed to like me." His voice still holds a hint of wonder, as if he can't imagine people caring for him. Kakashi wonders if Naruto realizes how much hero worship being the savior of the world gets him.

"They picked me up from school, and gave me groceries, and helped me wash my clothes. Old man Teuchi never let me pay for ramen, and I thought that Jiji paid for me, but Jiji only paid when we went together. When I asked him about it, Old man Teuchi said it made Tenshi happy to foot the bill."

Kakashi is glad the mask hides his blush. Judging from Sakura's smile, it's not as effective as he thought.

Naruto grins. "After that, that's all that anyone would tell me. Kino-ji at the shelter gave me groceries and blankets because 'Tenshi-kun told him to'. Akiko-nee taught me how to sew my clothes since none of the tailors would help me because 'Tenshi-chan was watching over me'. Ume-nee always invited me to her apartment because she 'lost a bet with Tenshi-kun' and little Namiko-chan was the first person to ever call herself my friend because 'Tenshi-nii told her I was friendly'." His eyes are shining.

"But most of all, no matter how many traps I set up, someone kept breaking into my apartment and giving me recipes that made it all but impossible to burn the apartment down, and putting money in Gama-chan while I wasn't looking."

By now, both Sakura and Sasuke are looking at him with warm eyes (or slightly less cold eyes, in Sasuke's case), and Naruto's eyes are brimming with tears.

The hug still catches him off guard.

"Thank you for protecting me all those years. And thank you for teaching us, even if you were a lazy pervert most of the time." Sasuke actually gives a stiff nod, and Sakura mutters under her breath about burning his Icha Icha. They still join the hug, and Kakashi drinks in the loveprotecthappy from each of them.

"We know that facing Kaguya wasn't easy," Sakura says after a few moments, and Kakashi stills. It's been weeks, but he's very much Not Ready for this conversation.

Sakura elbows someone, and Naruto and Sasuke both grunt in their tangle of limbs. Then, "Thank you for choosing us anyway," Sasuke mutters, and Kakashi's too happy to stay on the ground.

Naruto yelps, Sasuke curses, and Sakura gasps. Then they all float for a few minutes in silence.

The night before he takes the hat, he walks back to the district.

It's not quite the same - thanks to Tenzo, the buildings are new, the omnipresent scent of stale sex and arousal is gone, and the well of hopelessness and fear no longer flows on every corner.

He's spent almost 20 years learning the old district like the back of his hand, and he doesn't mind another 20 years of learning the new one. The better one.

Before, the characters of the district came together from desperation, the need to make money, the need to work, the need to survive. Broken people connecting in the only way they knew how under the uncaring shadow of night. Now, they congregate from friendship. The streets are filled with life, children run through the alleys, and people smile at each other as they walk through the streets.

Naruto calls it the Flower District, and Kakashi thinks it's fitting.

"Tenshi-sama!" And he resists the urge to roll his eyes. He knows Ume-chan and Kino-san must have put the little kids up to calling him that (and had Akiko survived the war, she would have done the same thing), but it's spread, and he needs people to know that Shodai's balls, he's not an angel.

But he smiles good-naturedly and lets the kids drag him through the new store buildings and markets, taking note of the work Tenzo, the reconstruction effort, and Naruto's endless clones have done.

He's listening to one of the kids chatter about a new video game when he feels a sea of chakra rise before him. He's momentarily blindsided, but this time, he finds the familiar pinpoints of chakra, and relaxes his stance.

"SURPRISE!"

His kids are there, as well as Gai, Namiko-chan, Kino-san, Ume, and the rest of the District. The Flower District square is centered around a fountain, and the kids splash around in the water. He takes in the loveprotectlove of the chakra, and Obito's eye begins to act up. (wait he can't say that anymore, it's his eye now, damn it.)

He's no longer 14, the idea of love doesn't frighten him. But the amount of love here, the amount of family he never would have been able to live past 20 years of age without… that's what gives him pause.

Tomorrow, he's expected to lead these people, his precious people, into an era of peace and stability none of them have been able to experience. He thinks of Akiko, the countless fallen lives of the District, all those who didn't make it to this point.

He must have been staring too long because Sakura glomps him. "You're thinking too hard, Kaka-sensei. It'll be okay," she grumbles. Then, louder, "Stop gawking and try the saury, sensei! Me and Kino-san worked on it forever."

Kakashi spares one last glance at the moon. It's the last day of the waning crescent tonight - he'll start running Konoha under the promise of a new moon, and he likes his chances.

He smiles at Sakura, grabs her hand, and flies them the rest of the way there, enjoying her surprised shriek. He has a party to celebrate.

Oof I had to go back and do some editing on this because between here and Ao3, a lot of things looked crazy.

I hope you liked it! This was inspired by sloaner's discord, and Kagumo AU fics are absolutely crackish and wonderful.