chapter thirty

I was never the type of girl to wear a dress. I was the girl on the playground with scrapped up knees and ponytails that were always flying out of the tie and the girl who stole her brother's old clothes because her mother kept buying her pink little skirts that were hard to run in. I was the type of girl to cut holes in her jeans and cut her hair short with a pair of kitchen scissors. I was the type of girl who watched the other girls with glittery eyes and lacey dresses and wonder what it was like to feel comfortable enough to twirl around in their billowing skirts.

So when I stood in front of the mirror with a borrowed dress, I kept tugging down on the bottom of it, wondering what kind of transformation I had gone through for me to even consider being one of those girls.

My hair was longer than it had been in a while; I forgot to cut it and most days I didn't really ever consider it unless it was falling in my face. And it hung down low on the soft white fabric that draped over me. I didn't feel like myself.

And I thought that I hadn't felt like myself in a while. I wasn't really sure if that was a good thing or a bad thing but I knew that it was a true thing. The transformation of Remy Cree was an objective truth, and the proof was the lace skirt that brushed against the middle of my thighs.

These pretty girls, with their dresses and their pouty lips and their softness, I didn't have anything against them. I didn't think I was better than them because I found myself in bruised knuckles and busted lips against shots of rum instead of gold necklaces hanging over low cut corsets and heels pointed three inches off the ground. They were them and I was me and that was fine. But now I was venturing into their territory, dipping my toes into flowery perfumes and strawberry lipgloss and I didn't know how to swim in it.

But I knew that, for the first time in my life, I wanted to be desirable. I wanted to be wanted and I wanted to be looked at with glossy eyes and I wanted to make his hands clammy and I didn't think the jeans than hung loose around my legs and my father's old flannels would make his heart beat just a touch faster.

I didn't know what I was doing. I kept staring at myself, at the body that looked strange in a dress. My awkward angles and pointy ends didn't blend well in the soft lace. I bit down on my lip, staring at the Remy Cree in the mirror. There were remnants of harshness that used to define me, the slight crookedness of my nose; the yellow bruise that almost disappeared from my face; the cut on my lip that wasn't ready to heal; the freshness of my hand right out of the cast.

I wondered what my brother would think if he saw me standing there in a dress, examining and criticizing and tearing myself apart. I wondered if he would tell me I was weak and that I wasn't the Remy Cree that I was before. I would tell him that I knew that; I knew that I wasn't the same and that I didn't know how to cope with it and that his constant berating didn't help and I would tell him that maybe this is who I would've been if he wasn't always shoving boxing gloves in my hands and gifting me knives that I tucked into my socks, concealed and unseen.

I wished I was different. I wished there were smoother curves to my body and I wished the bones in my knees didn't look like they were going to slice my skin open at every bend. I liked that I was strong but I didn't like the way my muscles were tight against the skin in my arms and in my legs and I didn't like the way they gave me imposter syndrome in the dress.

Twisting around, tilting, and leaning up on my toes did nothing to change the way I felt in the dress and it did nothing to change the way I wanted to feel in the dress. I wanted to be more like Bobby. I wanted to be soft skin under soft dresses with soft long hair and I wanted to be desired. And even though Bobby was lost in the world of her own head, she was aware of the looks of longing that were thrown her way while she danced around in this lace little dress and she was aware they were partly responsible for the confident pout in her lips.

Insecurity never used to weigh me down like this. I was comfortable being Remy Cree and I never had to doubt that or doubt who Remy Cree was. I didn't care about the way I looked but I cared about the way people looked at me with fleeting glances, like they were scared to get caught with their eyes on me. Now I was lost in the want of being wanted and the need to be formidable. The Remy Cree in torn sweatpants whispered in my ear and told me that I would always be the Remy Cree in torn sweatpants, dripping with sweat and hands wrapped up in bandages. I would never be soft and I would never desirable in a lace white dress.

With a resigned sign and my teeth sunk deep into the flesh of my cheek, I pulled the dress over my head and settled on something that felt just a little more cutting.

Embry noticed. He noticed the weigh the doubt weighed on my shoulders and how it held my tongue down. He kept shooting me glances of concern while he walked with a picnic basket held of his head and the sun beating down on him. "You're thinking about something dumb."

I quirked an eyebrow while I dragged my feet over tree roots and dead leaves. "What?"

"You always make that face before you say something dumb," he explained, walking steady with the weight over his head. "You always frown and stare at the ground and then ask me something dumb, like whether or not I'm getting bored of you or if I think you're too needy."

My cheeks were hot. "Those aren't dumb questions," I mumbled. He heard me anyways. Embry always heard me.

"They're pretty dumb questions," he shot, not looking back in my direction. And I wished that Embry's confidence in how he felt about me and the continuous reassurance had any sort of impact on the way I thought of myself in the dress.

My eyebrows scrunched together. I didn't know exactly how relationships worked or what made them work and my only example of one was the failure of my parents, but I thought that I was supposed to, at the very least, talk about the things that upset me. But the face of my brother, calling me weak and calling me different, made me think that maybe keeping things to myself was the better option.

But Embry called back to me, "Y'know I can practically hear you thinking, Rem," and I thought that hiding anything from him, thoughts included, might be impossible.

My eyes were still focused hard on the ground. "Oh, I was just thinking about how I have no idea what I'm doing," I admitted, figuring that to be a good jumping point.

"Like, right now? Or in general?" he teased.

"In this relationship."

This made him stop. He stopped, turned to me and titled his head, balancing the picnic basket like it was nothing. "What do you mean?" he asked, voice suddenly serious as his eyes locked onto mine.

I shrugged. "I dunno," I told him, eyes flickering away and looking at anything but him. "I guess I just don't really know how to be a girlfriend. I kept like, doubting myself, and stupid shit like that."

"Like what?" he prodded gently.

"Like, things to tell you and what to wear and, like, how pretty I look," I said, voice barely above a whisper and warmth creeping up my neck and onto my cheeks. "Things I just never really thought about before."

There was a moment where Embry said nothing. And then, "If it makes you feel any better, I have no idea what I'm doing, either. And I actually think about those things too. Like, normally I just throw on whatever clothes I find on the floor. But this morning? Holy shit, it took me forever. And do you see what I'm wearing?" he asked with a slight laugh, gesturing towards his very plain shirt and very plain shorts. "This took me like twenty minutes to pick out. Twenty minutes, Rem."

I chuckled, smile staying firm on my face. "That genuinely makes me wonder what your other options could have been."

He smiled softly at me for a moment, before placing the picnic basket down by his feet and taking one big stride towards me, wrapping me in his arms. "And I get nervous to tell you how pretty you look. I think I'm like, still afraid you'll hit me or something. But you always look really, really pretty."

With my flushed cheek pressed against his chest, I rolled my eyes. "I'm not gonna hit you, dumbass."

Embry pulled away, giving me a soft kiss on my forehead before returning to the picnic basket and I thought that he might've looked as flustered as I felt. Still, he lead me down the path same as before.

I didn't know where we were going or what was in the picnic basket and I thought that it better be something pretty spectacular to justify the amount of bug bites popping up all over my calves. And, on a lesser level of importance, it was not only our first date together, but each of our first dates ever. I didn't know what to expect but Embry seemed pretty intent on planning everything all on his own.

"I guess I must be doing a pretty good job, though, because Leah's been asking me for advice," he mused after a few seconds more of walking, sounding somewhat pleased with himself.

The thought of Leah approaching Embry, clueless and desperate, made me laugh. "No offense, but what the fuck is Leah Clearwater doing asking you for advice?"

"I dunno. I guess she figured since you know Bobby really well, and I know you really well, that I could be the most reliable resource she could find."

"Um," I started, scrunching up my nose, "Leah couldn't just come straight to me? Right to the source?"

Embry whipped his head around to shoot me a glance. "You don't have a telepathic connection with her."

"Huh. Is it weird that I'm kind of jealous?"

"And besides, you never had to deal with the actual explaining. I did, and it sucked. And then at least Leah could learn from my dumbass mistakes."

I kicked a rock with the edge of my shoe. I remembered, and I didn't really think it was Embry's fault that I used to doubt half the words that came out of his mouth. "So what happened?"

"Well, apparently," Embry started gracefully stepping over roots while he held the basket in place, "Leah didn't tell Bobby last night like she planned. Cause I guess she was gonna tell her before things got too serious, because she wanted to give Bobby a chance to like, opt out. But then Sam found out and was like, raging. He and Leah got into this huge argument over it. Paul heard the whole thing. I guess Sam and the elders don't want anyone who doesn't have to know knowing, and Bobby doesn't really have to know. Cause like, she's not an imprint or anything. Leah was pissed, because like I said, Sam just usually kinda lets her do whatever she wants."

"You're such a gossipy bitch," I told him as leaves crunched under my feet and I kept my head down, watching where I stepped. "Why does Leah wanna tell her so bad?" I asked.

"Cause when Sam first phased, he ended it with Leah and never told her what was happening and then the whole imprinting thing with Emily happened. God knows how fucking catastrophic that was. So Leah thinks that if she doesn't tell Bobby everything it'll damage their relationship and she wants to be totally honest about what she does and what could happen." The more I learned about what happened between Leah and Sam, the more I understood why she was the way she was. "And I mean, it's kind of a hard thing to hide."

"I dunno," I said, kicking rocks, "You did manage to hide it from me for a few months."

Embry scoffed. "Yeah, but you thought I was Bigfoot, Remy."

"Whatever."

"Anyways," he continued, "Paul said that Leah accused him of some really low-blow things. Like that Sam was doing this shit on purpose because he didn't want to see Leah happy and that he still held onto the idea that he could have Emily and Leah."

I never really cared for Sam Uley or had any sort of positive opinion of him or any interest in ever interacting with him, but that was an action I wouldn't expect out of him. He seemed like a rigid code of honor type guy, not like someone who collected girls. "Is he?"

"No, no way," Embry said quickly and confidently. "I mean, I can't imagine wanting to even look at another girl-"

"Good."

"-and Sam and Emily have been together for a while, too. Sam still cares about Leah, as like a person, but never like that. Leah was just mad and thought it would make him upset, and it did. Paul also said that Sam is super upset because apparently he talked to Emily about it and Emily actually agreed with Leah. So then, this morning when I was on patrol, Sam kept thinking about all the ways he could go about it, but it doesn't sound like he's gonna let Leah tell Bobby, and that's what I told Leah. So I just relayed the memo."

"Why does Leah have to do what Sam says again?"

There was a shift in Embry's tone, sounding just a little bit resentful. "Because he's the alpha. We all have to do whatever he says. That was also something else Leah attacked him over, saying that he has no right to tell her what to do in her personal life since he put her through a lot of shit. Quil said Leah was already trying to think of ways to go over his head while she was on her way to meet up with Bobby last night. No one really knows what's been going on with her since then."

"You are such a gossipy bitch," I repeated.

"Hey, it's not my fault I constantly know everyone's business, or that I can't keep my mouth shut. That's just how I was born."

"Sure," I said with a slight laugh. "Are we almost there? I feel like I've lost half of my blood to these fucking bugs."

"Oh, did I forget to bring bug spray?"

"Yeah, jackass, you forgot to bring bug spray."

"Oops."

The sun was beating down on us like we were living somewhere other than the dampest place in the country. And I thought that the sun had been so brutal that maybe all the moisture that soaked into everything was all dried up.

Embry led me down the path for a while, seemingly unphased by the heat and by the weight he carried over his head and laughed while I complained. The forest was quite, expect for the buzzing of the bugs and the cracking of leaves and twigs under my feet. And after another couple of minutes, the trees started to thin out and the dirt blended in with the boulders that hung over the ocean. The breeze lifted my hair and cooled me off and I stared in awe as the sun hung over us. I had never really ventured up here, and I never realized how beautiful it really was. The constant motion of the ocean as it stretched out into the horizon had me memorized as Embry spread out a blanket over the cliff. "Pretty solid, right?" he asked, smoothing out the edges.

I stepped out from under the trees and I thought I could taste the ocean water from the wind that blew my hair behind me. "It is really pretty out here."

Embry grabbed my hand and pulled me down to sit next to him. He threw an arm over my shoulder and pulled me tight into his side. His favorite spot for me. "You have no idea how fucking stoked I am to be on this date with you right now."

Laughing, I placed a kiss on his cheek. "I think I have a general idea."

He laughed, eyes somewhere distant as he looked out over the horizon. "Do you remember that time you were in my group in like, I dunno, eighth grade, for some history project?"

I snorted. "No." I didn't remember ever having any sort of interaction with Embry before he dragged me into this weird reality of his. "But I'm sorry for whatever you're about to tell me I did."

"Oh my god, you were so mean," he recalled with a laugh. "We were supposed to be doing some project on like tribal law, and I offered to like, put everything together on the poster board and you said, Why, so you can be lazy and not actually do any of the work? And then told me that if I didn't do my fair share of the work you'd break my fingers. I've been scared of you ever since."

"Actually, I take it back. I'm not sorry for that."

Embry rolled his eyes at me. "Figures."

"I thought I was hot shit in eighth grade," I told him, thinking of the times when my arms were skinnier and I walked around with bandages over unharmed skin so people would think I had injuries from fights I didn't have. "Bear had just started teaching me out to box. I beat up someone for the first time."

"Did they deserve it?"

I titled my head. "Yeah, I'd say so. It was this girl who just moved to Forks from Seattle and she was at First Beach with her friends and she was like, throwing trash everywhere and being really obnoxious. I didn't really give a shit, but Kim told her to knock it off and she was just being like, really fucking mean to Kim. So I just," I made a whooshing noise as I gently slammed my fist into my open palm. "She went home crying, and then I never saw her again."

Embry smiled. "Has anyone ever told you that your unwavering loyalty is a little bit intimidating?"

"No, but people have called me Kim's guard dog before," I said with an eye roll. "That was always annoying as hell."

He chuckled. "Yeah, I know what you mean. All the Cullen's call us dogs. I'm pretty sure Bella does too, when we're not around. I don't really trust her."

Half of me was absolutely overjoyed at the idea of Embry expressing something negative about Bella Swan and the other half of me was swelling with anger at the idea of some white colonizer vampires calling Embry and my cousin and even the people I would loosely call my friends dogs. "That's racist as shit."

"I know!" Embry exclaimed. "I got into an argument with Jacob over it, because he said Bella called him a dog once and I was like, dude, that's racist as hell, and he was like, No, Bella only says it cause her bloodsuckers say it. Like, yeah, and they say it cause they're racist."

"I mean, that would make sense, wouldn't it? Cause weren't they all born in nineteen-dickedy-six?"

"I mean," Embry started, taking his arm off my shoulders and moving to set up the picnic food. "I mean, yes, but also, recently Jake just found out that one of them used to like, be a fucking Confederate solider. Not even like a solider, like a high-ranking official, or whatever."

I thought my eyes might bulge out of my head. "You're fucking joking."

Embry shook his head, pulling out cheese and crackers, grapes, and arranging them nicely on a small little platter while he talked. I ate three slices before he even finished putting them out. The hike had had me starved. "There's really nothing good about them, I think. Like the more I find out about them, the more I dislike them. I mean, they could move anywhere in the world, do anything they want, and they chose to come here, the one place in the world where they know their presence isn't wanted."

With my mouth full of crackers, I frowned. I knew that Embry didn't really mind this life, but I also knew that he was only seventeen, with an enormous weight put on his shoulders and he was right. Every time he spoke about that family, I hated them more too. "Yeah they fucking suck. But, you should be just a little bit grateful for them. Cause like, you know I'm only dating you cause you're a werewolf."

"You're joking right?" he asked with a grin.

"Nope," I told him with a coy smile. "Honestly, it's at least sixty percent of the appeal. And even then, it'd be way cooler if you were like, a bear."

Embry scrunched up his face like this was the most horrible, most offensive thing I could've ever said to him. "A fucking bear? C'mon on, Remy, that's just disrespectful."

"Honestly, a bear would probably body you. I would not bet against a bear."

He chose to ignore this statement and instead circled back around to my original one. "Why wouldn't you date me if I couldn't shift into a wolf? Which are, for the record, three hundred times cooler than bears."

"Otherwise you'd be too wimpy for me."

This almost made his eyes bulge out of his head. "Wimpy? You're fucking joking, Rem."

"Well you're not wimpy now. But you absolutely were before," I teased. "With your skinny ass arms. And you know what, even now, you're not that tough."

He pinched the side of my thigh and said, "Now I'm gonna kick your ass."

I giggled. "You probably can't even throw a punch right. I bet you twenty-bucks that you're totally relying on all your wolf boy strength."

Embry stared at me for a moment with narrowed eyes before abruptly standing. "Alright then," he said, extending his hand towards me. I took it and he practically threw me in the air so I was standing directly across from me. "Teach me how to punch."

"Paul's gonna tear you a new one when he finds out you had your girlfriend teach you how to punch."

He rolled his eyes. "Whatever, just show me."

"Okay then, make a fist," I instructed. Embry balled up his fingers and I almost burst into laughter at the way he tucked his thumb under his index and middle finger and had it sticking out over his ring finger. "You're gonna break your fingers like that," I told him, grabbing his hand and rearranging the way he held his hand. And I tried not to get distracted by the warmth in his hands. "Keep your thumb here or your gonna break it off."

Embry chuckled. "See, I'd know this if I had a dad."

My mouth twisted up in a sour smile. "Don't make me laugh while I'm trying to teach you how to fight. Let me see a jab," I told him, holding up both of my hands on either side of my shoulder. "Do it gentle, though, it would be so annoying if you accidentally killed me."

"That's not really the word I would go with, but alright," he replied, and then stanced up, his knees slightly bent and shoulders hunched over. It was actually almost alright, but I kicked his left foot out a little bit straighter and he, very slowly extended his fist to connect with my palm.

We did this for a bit. I'd move my hand and he'd switch his swing to hit it; left jab, right jab, uppercuts, lowercuts, hooks. And we'd follow this pattern until it kept going faster and faster and he was getting a little bit too into it; laughing while his swings got so fast his hit would land before my hand could get there. And even though I was struggling to keep up with him, his movements were still gentle, careful and calculated so there wasn't even a chance he could hurt me on accident.

So I started switching up the pattern to mess him up.

It worked. He'd go for the right uppercut and I'd be asking for a left hook. Embry noticed this and switched his path. "You're cheating."

"This is boxing, Embry," I told him with a smile on my face. "Your opponents not gonna be moving in a pattern. You gotta be ready for whatever move is next."

A grin grew on his face, and in the spirit of that sentiment, when I lifted my right hand for a jab, he grabbed my wrist and pulled me into his chest and before I could make sense of what was happening his lips were on mine and I was dizzy. He always made me dizzy.

The warmth of his skin immediately spread through my entire body and I molded to him like I was meant to be there, with my hands tangled in his hair and with his tongue tracing along my bottom lip. He was sweet and he tasted like grapes and when I kissed him either I couldn't breathe or I forgot to but my mind was blank.

Kissing him was like overdrive. I couldn't think of anything but his softness and his warmth and the way his hands held tight onto my arms and how he never moved from that spot because he was afraid of overstepping any boundaries of mine.

And when he pulled away their air flooded my lungs again and I was left panting, staring into his eyes and wondering how I could ever feel anything towards him other than complete adoration and I thought that maybe there was a chance that I was in love with Embry Call.

"Umm," I started after a moment of silence, "there are ants all over the cheese."

"Oh fuck!"

Embry took my face in his hands and pressed a kiss against my forehead. "You remember the rules, right?"

"Yes. Rip out all of my teeth with pilers and open my mouth really wide so I get drenched in the blood."

He frowns, holding my face so firmly my cheeks smoosh together. "I'm serious, Remy. What are the rules?"

I sighed. Embry took my safety too seriously. I guessed that was fine, though, considering it was usually one of the furthest things from my mind. He had drilled these rules so deep into my head that they turned into a little song I sung while I was bored. "Stay ten feet away at all times, don't bite my cheek, check the ground for needles, broken glass, sharp rocks, and if anything seems like its about to go wrong, yell your name at the top of my lungs."

Embry leaned forward and placed a kiss on the center of my forward. "Thank you." He dropped his hands from my face and shoved them deep into his pockets. I could feel his nerves from here. He was never comfortable with the idea of me spending time alone with my brother, but he respected and trusted me enough to let me go in there once a week and be on my own with him and I think that that was enough to prove that he really did love me, and just not because of the imprint. Because, from what I've come to understand, it's the human part of him that drives me here and waits for politely waits for me. And that human part is in constant battle with the wolf part, the possessive, overly protective part that wants to lock me in a safe room until all threats to me were dead. I liked the human part better. "Have fun, Rem."

Smiling, I leaned up to my toes and placed another quick kiss on his lips. "Don't give yourself a heart attack out here, alright?" I told him, grinning, before turning on my heel and heading into the abandoned parking lot.

Seeing Briah was tense. Because it was the first time in our lives that we weren't on the same level. Me and my brother, we were always a team. We were a team against our parents and we were a team against the police and we were a team against the rest of the world. And now, for the first time, there was something deeply wedge between us. I kept telling myself that it was more than just Embry, that it was more than just the simplicity of them being natural born enemies. But there was something nagging inside of me that made me think Briah thought I had chosen someone else over him.

And that wasn't what happened. I wasn't choosing anyone over anyone else, but Briah definitely wasn't happy about the way our visits were supervised and how clear it was that no one trusted him around me.

It briefly crossed my mind that Bear might've been jealous. He may have been jealous of the fact that I had life and a future and endless opportunities for growth and he was stuck in a moment in his life when he was forced to act older and bigger and stronger than he actually was. And he looked at me, skipping classes and kissing a boy and shooting rum in a home that wasn't my own and thought that I was giving up everything he wanted.

All of these thoughts rushed through my head during the walk from Embry's arms to the entrance of the empty parking lot and when I stepped under the shade of the abandoned building all the rushing thoughts drained and all I could feel with the wrongness of the place.

It hit me all at once. There was something thick and sweet in the air that felt uncomfortable against my skin. I wandered in deeper, taking careful and hesitant steps. Bear was usually visible, sitting on top of an old abandoned car or standing on the edge of the walls. He was never late, he was always there ready to talk to me and ready to encourage me to go to college and to insult my boyfriend.

And I was standing there in the middle of the parking lot, wondering if I should wonder up to the higher levels and explore and see if he was there or if I should go back to the car when I saw her.

I recognized her immediately, her fiery curls hanging still. I didn't know where she came from. One second there was nothing and the next there was her. She stared at me, her eyes bright red like Bear's were and for a moment, I was frozen. Shocked and unmoving. But when it hit me that she was like Bear and what that meant and in a shaky voice I yelled, "Embry!"

I counted to five and he was there, standing next to me in a form I wasn't quite used to, over my head and growling. His claws dug into the cracks in the concrete and he pointed his ears back, teeth snarling and fur standing up on his back.

The red woman titled her head, and as soon as she was there, she was gone.

not the biggest fan of this chapter but i rewrote it like 20 times

if u feel as if leah and bobby's relationship development has been unseen and undeveloped, do not worry. u will see more abt leah and bobby, just not in this story. that's right! im writing a spin off baby ! it'll be short; maybe 10-15 chapters. but i thought that they deserved more than just a small side plot in this story. unless no one wants to read it, then this message never happened & ill do a couple rewrites to include more details in this story. (also, general reminder: leah did not imprint on bobby)

also, im thinking about deleting adore. I know a lot of ppl enjoyed it, but im not going to finish it. i think its just bad. im a very different writer now compared to when I started it, and I just don't think I can finish it. if ppl want me to leave it up, i will. but its ummm…not the best.

-incorrect quotes-

embry, giving relationship advice: i always bring remy flowers. you should try it too
leah: …okay?
leah: *handing remy flowers*
remy: why are you….
leah: i don't get it either!

remy: the results are in and im afraid i have updog
embry: whats up dog?
remy: paul! get in here! you said i couldn't do it

embry: youre an angel with no wings
remy: so like a person

remy: can I ask a dumb question
bobby: better than anyone I know

embry: I need you to give like a 15% effort
remy:…12
embry: 15! for god's sake im asking for 15% effort its not supposed to be a negotiation

briah: i have never taken the high road. but i tell other people to, cause then there's more room for me on the low road