Chapter Two

Burnout

She knew she looked like shit. The dreams had come again last night, with a vengeance. She could barely look Garrus in the eye as they ate together in the mess, the rest of her crew cheerfully discussing their options for shore leave when they arrived at Palaven. She had done her best to show the usual "Shepard" bravado. Ordered Ash and Vega to get a room in a different building than hers so she didn't have to hear any of their "recreation," asked what the best sushi restaurant was, and made comments about taking in the "native scenery" with a pointed, slow scrutiny of Garrus that she swore had actually made him blush. If Turians could blush… to her horror, she had learned they could bruise.

Once upon a time, once upon a different "Commander Shepard," she probably wouldn't have been so casual with her crew. Would have kept her liasons - no fuck "liasons," her dating life - more private and encouraged others to do the same. She never would have striven for the uptight (in her opinion), stupid professionalism and lack of… liasing… that she knew other officers expected. These were warriors. All of them. Whether they charged out behind her with a gun or made sure the water-filtration system stayed funcional, they had all faced death day in and day out. And… it was a bunch of mostly humans stuck together in a tin can flying through a vacuum, with things outside (and sometimes inside) that wanted to kill them - spirits knew they needed to take the edge off somehow.

"Spirits"… she'd started swearing like him… well… like he did when he thought she was asleep and couldn't hear him.

But trying to keep that "professionalism" in the face of so much death, loss and destruction, to stifle anything that might make someone laugh, feel something other than fear, make someone blush... that pursuit seemed petty now.

She felt exhausted at the thought of trying to keep up that bravado when they reached Palaven. Garrus had assured her that she would have a place of honor among Turians till the end of time for what she had done to save their planet, not to mention the personal services she had done for the Primarch. He told her that she'd better not worry what they thought. But to be honest, that just felt like more pressure. She had a feeling she might miss being the rogue, back-from-the-dead Spectre everyone thought was crazy, saying that there were monsters hiding under everyone's cars, rather than the all-saving "Shepard."

Maybe she should just spend a few months on Tuchanka. At least if she threw a fit and yelled "GO AWAY I SAVED YOU ALL I'M TIRED STILL" she would get some begrudging respect for her level of aggression. She had a feeling the same behavior on Palaven would have them looking at her with pursed mandibles and thinking her "primitive."

But she wanted to go back now, for his sake. He tried to play it cool, but she knew he was worried. He never for a moment gave any sign that he wanted to be anywhere but her agonizingly slowly healing side. You would think being "synthesized" and full of these little… strands of… something (it was infuriating that no one could tell her what they were) would make you heal fast or some shit like that, but no. The organic part of her stuck with being very organic and patched up at a snail's pace. But she could tell that he felt he urgently needed to get back to Palaven. His father and sister had made it out when the Reapers attacked, barely, but his sister had a broken leg, and the two of them had been very guarded when discussing the health of his mother.

Waking up in his arms in the engine room that morning had been like taking a punch to the gut. He must have taken a seat on the floor at some point, back resting against the wall of the control panel. She had awoken to find herself folded in his arms, her cheek against his bare torso, a sheet from her (no… their bed) half tangled around her but still showing far too much of her underwear-clad body. She had no memory of being brought into the engine room, no understanding why he was topless; thank the spirits, at least he was wearing pants. She was mortified. She knew he had found her when she had fallen asleep here earlier this week. She'd woken briefly as he walked down the hall from the engine room, perhaps when she could no longer feel that gentle thrum that surrounded her now.

After waking she had just sat there. Listening to the slow, strangely soothing beating of his heart. At least he was sleeping. After all these fucking dreams… letting him sleep was the least she could do. He was starting to look like shit too.

And oh god, did she look like shit, she thought as she passed a painfully reflective wall panel, as she made her way towards the bridge. An engineer passed her with a respectful nod which she returned with a slight smile. They seemed tense, but thankfully said nothing. Well, maybe that was the upside of dying in universe-saving wars… twice. Your crew were impressed or scared of you enough to avoid commenting when you looked like crap.

She snorted to herself. She'd have to tell Anderson to use that strategy the next time he had to deal with all the damn politicians. Maybe they could take some shore leave and she could bring him up to speed over a long night of drinks; although he'd probably drink her under the table, coming from London…

The city's name in her head was like a biotic blast to the chest. London. Anderson. Her steps faltered and she grasped the walkway railing with one hand for a moment. Had she really just….was she that stupid? She cursed herself. No, no. There would be no telling Anderson. No seeing that twinkle in his eye behind his Spartan countenance; no hearing him grumble dryly, "I knew it was a bad idea letting them make you a Spectre." The pain at that thought was… heavy, as if his absence left yet another mantle of responsibility on her already straining shoulders. Well, she would just have to settle for giving him something interesting to watch from wherever he was now.

She neared the helm and heard EDI and Joker laughing up ahead. Now that was a sound she would never tire of. Garrus thought EDI's laugh had become eerily human since the synthesis, but Shepard thought it had become delightfully human. She owed the AI an eternal debt of gratitude for what she'd done - not to mention the fact that it meant that Shepard wasn't the only one changed in ways that no one could understand.

"Hey Shepard!" called Joker as she drew level with them, "Ash told me you were asking for sushi recommendations on Palaven. I'm really sorry but I have something super important to do at the exact time you're going, so you'll have to find someone else to be your decoy this time - I mean date."

At hearing this, EDI began to - no… really? Yep, Shepard wasn't seeing things - the AI had just rolled her eyes at their pilot.

"Joker continues to think that any kind of combat training, including simple target practice, is a terrible idea," she said. "Despite Garrus' and my recommendations."

"Look," chided Joker, "I have lived through all these disasters as a pilot. No way am I messing up my survival streak with this one still around and wreaking havoc." He grinned at her, "With all due respect Commander, I for one think the galaxy would actually be a whole lot safer and quieter if you would stay dead one of these days."

Her lip twitched. Things would suck without Joker. It would be a hell of a lot harder to deal with all this without him: someone who knew when she couldn't take any more gentle voices, respectful nods, or awe-filled stares and instead needed a good old ribbing. Needed to feel human for a few minutes.

"I'll take your feedback into consideration, Lieutenant Moreau." Shepard said dryly.

"If you want a quieter galaxy, you should accompany her on a mission, Jeff," EDI offered. "Your lack of cross training is probably the most efficient way to get her killed."

"Ha, ha, ha," he shot back at her.

"Well, Lieutenant," Shepard asked, "Are we still on schedule for our arrival on Palaven? Or have you drifted several days off-course while griping about your untenable world-saving workload?"

EDI snorted. Now even that one surprised Shepard.

"No, Commander. We are on schedule, Ma'am." he answered. She cringed despite herself. She was fine with that usually, but it never sounded right coming from Joker. "Although, we've had a message from Tali."

"Oh?"

"Yeah, she was wondering if there was any way we could make a stop on Rannoch on our way to Palaven." Shepard frowned. "She said she had something she wanted to discuss with you and Liara in person about the… Reapers settlement." His voice tensed as he mentioned the Reapers. She had shared her full account of what happened on the Crucible with the closer members of her crew after they picked her and Garrus up from Sur'Kesh and began their current journey. It had been a long night and somehow, despite being in a private room of a Salarian bar, there hadn't seemed to be enough alcohol. Joker, despite being obviously horrified by the option to destroy all higher functioning synthetics and the ramifications that would have had for EDI, still seemed very distrustful of the idea of giving intellectual freedom to the Reapers. She didn't blame him. The damage they had wreaked on Earth's surface had been horrifying, but she heard several people, even Garrus, say that the carnage in the skies, Reapers ripping through dreadnaughts like they were made of paper, was like nothing he had ever seen before. And Joker had been in the heart of that maelstrom the whole time.

"Did it sound urgent?" she asked. She hated the thought of Garrus waiting longer to see his family.

"From her tone… yeah." he sighed. She wondered if, underneath all his blustering, he was as worn out as she was. Garrus had talked about retiring on a beach. But you needed to be able to breathe on your own, and walk on your own to go to a beach, and that had taken her a while. Then there were questions to answer, and people to check in on and… oh well. She'd never spent much time on beaches. Maybe she'd have hated sand and it would have been a waste of time.

"Alright," she said. "I'm going to check in with Garrus, see if he thinks we can spare the time." She started towards the back of the ship, "Don't have too much fun you two," she called back over her shoulder. "Moreau, you have the bridge."

As her footsteps rang on the walkway she heard poorly restrained laughter and grumbling.

"You got Moreau'd" sniggered EDI.

"Yeah well you-"

"Twice!"

"Shut up!"

"The engine room?" Liara asked incredulously. Garrus rubbed his eyes and squinted at the equations he had been pretending to try and pay attention to. He should really just throw in the towel. He was only kidding himself at this point.

"Yeah…" he sighed. "Two nights in a row now. So I guess that's progress."

Liara gave him a long disparaging look. She pushed off the wall of the main battery where she had been leaning and took a step towards him.

"I'll talk to her about assisting with her sleep," she said.

"No. We're not there yet." He sighed.

"I don't think that's your call to make," she said softly.

He closed his eyes, shook his head to clear it and continued after a deep breath, "I… look that's not what I meant. She's proud." He fixed his eyes on Liara. "You know she is. Do you really think she wants to be asked that now? When who the hell knows who is going to want to meet with her when we get to Palaven?"

She frowned. "All the more reason for her to actually be getting rest on the way there."

Garrus felt trapped. "Maybe we put a cot in there..."

Liara snorted. "Oh, so having everyone on the ship knowing-"

"We could hide it and when she's ready to go to sleep-"

"What? Have her sneak into the engine room? That's better for her pride than biotic assistance?"

"I don't know, ok? I've had as much time to work on this problem as you have!" he snapped.

"And I'm telling you I have a better solution for her," she retorted.

Garrus could feel his irritation growing. "And, why exactly do you think you know what is going to be better for her?" he growled.

"Because I actually-" she stopped herself and let out a long, suffering breath.

Garrus raised his brows, leaning forward on the console with his forearms, fingers laced before him to prevent them becoming fists. He forced nonchalance and drawled, "Oh? Because you actually what?"

Liara just stared at him coldly.

"What?" he pressed, his temper getting the better of him. "Come on, what were you about to say?"

"It's not important."

"Really?" he stood up, crossing his arms, "Because I'm pretty sure we were just fighting about how to best protect and help the Commander of this ship and the person who just saved the whole damn galaxy... and whatever it was you were about to say seemed to be the crux of your argument for your recommended course of action… so I'm pretty sure it's at least a little noteworthy."

"It's not."

"Then we go with the cot."

"Are you really making jokes about this?" she scowled.

"A little humor can't hurt."

Liara shook her head. "A little humor? She's having traumatic night terrors and you're cracking jokes-"

"Don't you judge me! I'm the one watching her wake up screaming-" he snarled.

"Oh poor you!" she bit back. "If it's so hard on your precious sleep then let me-"

"Liara, that dependance is going to crush her-"

"How do you know until you ask-"

"Because I know her-"

"NO YOU DON'T."

It was his turn to go silent, to freeze as the anger coiled within him. "Is that what you were going to say? "Because I actually know her?" Better than I do? Is that it." He could feel his head pounding.

Her jaw was tight. "You two had one fling nearly a year ago and now a few months of-"

"But your fling years ago makes you the expert-"

"It wasn't a fling," she hissed. "I was completely invested-"

"But was she?" He cut back. Liara's face stilled. Damn. He… he knew it had been a low blow… he was just so-

"At least it didn't take her dying the first time for me to notice her."

Cold outrage filled him, but also a whisper of fear, or regret. She seemed to sense it, she laughed bitterly.

"Incredible." She walked towards the door but stopped before it, not even bothering to look at him, like someone taking a shot there was no way they could miss; someone who knew there was no outcome besides the bullet finding the mark. Quietly, she added, "and I never would have waited to further things with her. Not if there was even one chance that we might not have much time."

She tapped the panel on the wall and the doors slid open. Good, he thought. Leave. Leave him to do something useful and distract him from the all-to-real fears she had mocked. But to his frustration she closed the panel and looked at him, this time with the barest trace of pity, which actually pissed him off more.

"She needs sleep, Garrus." she said, her first words without venom in a while. "And so do you."

"I sleep fine." He growled.

"No you don't." He opened his mouth to retort but before he could, she added, "And I know you don't because I've been sitting outside her cabin doors at night, and I can feel you lying there watching her," she sighed. It did nothing to dispel the air of tension in the room. Her pity deepened, "and you said that you're the one who's 'watching her wake up screaming.'"

The doors to the battery snapped open and Shepard stared at them. "Did I miss something about a meeting?" she asked dryly.

"Ah - no we -" stammered Garrus.

"You sure? I've been sleeping like shit, it's totally gonna make me miss something. I need to see Chakwas or someone about it later…"

"No," Liara said smoothly, stepping past Shepard, "Garrus was having some trouble with his calculations." She gave him a meaningful look. "...but I was just able to show him he was wrong." And with that she left, sealing the door behind her. Garrus seathed silently. He'd have to see if the shooting range had a blue practice dummy.

Shepard gazed at the closed portal for a moment, looking perplexed, "Ok," she said at last, then crossed to him. "Garrus, I wanted to ask you something."

"Anything for you, Shepard." he said, forcing the damned Asari from his mind and focusing on the woman before him. Damn, she looked more tired than she had been earlier that morning.

She smiled at him, then grew serious. "I know that we were trying to get back to Palaven as quickly as we could to check on your family. But… we just got a message from Tali. She needs Liara and I for something on Rannoch. I think it has something to do with the Reapers, and Joker said it sounded urgent."

The Reapers, of course she'd have to deal with them even now. His chest was tight but he purred mischievously. "Commander, you flatter a grunt like me by coming here, but our headings are your call."

"You're pretty, but don't think you're that important," she said, smacking his arm lightly, then adding seriously, "I just know you're worried about them and it's been a while since we had any news."

His heart warmed at her concern. "They're Vakarians, Shepard. We're hard to kill. Haven't you dragged me through hell enough to learn that yet?"

"Clearly not," she laughed, "Guess we'll have to keep getting into trouble till it sinks in. But seriously, you're sure?"

"Yeah," he said, squeezing her hand. "It'll be fine. Besides… Reapers... who else are they going to call..."

She groaned and rolled her eyes. Then squinted at the calibrations on the screen. "So you really needed math help from Liara?"

"No!" He snapped, before he could help himself, "Uh- well- she was exaggerating." Yeah, he had definitely seen a blue target practice dummy in the back of a locker somewhere….

"Oh my god, you did!" she teased, "Wow, you must be more worn out than I am." She squinted at him. "You look like shit, Vakarian. I've learned by now Turians can blush and bruise but I didn't know you could get eyebags too." He growled at her. "You're lucky I like scars so much."

That was it. He grabbed her and pinned her to the wall.

"Really, Shepard?" he breathed. "Well, then let's take a look everywhere and see who has more…."

The light dancing in her eyes made his mouth dry. He pushed away his worries and the small, self-conscious voice Shepard had just woken up, and focused on her. Although, it was a bit of a struggle. Did she really have to go there? He knew he looked like shit.