Hey there! I know, I haven't finished my other story and here I am again, but hey, I prefer to write what comes than not writing at all. I was thinking about a story, where every chapter would be a different part of Amanda's past she'd explore under hypnosis. Again, I'm not sure you'll like it. Also… I really want to talk about the episode with Kim and Rollin's dad! Did you like it? And how are you all?

It was almost midnight, and as usual now, Amanda couldn't sleep. Insomnia started when her father came to town. At first, she thought that once the intense period of stress would be over, she'd manage to go back to her normal rhythm which was, quite hectic per se. She could function if she didn't feel too much, so she'd run most of the time. But it's been over two weeks now and Amanda was reaching her limits. Reluctantly, she started back therapy, but it hasn't been very useful. Her therapist, Dr Hanover, suggested they'd really seize the opportunity to meet trauma at its roots. Amanda refused at first, saying she was used to her sister and she could deal with the recent events her own way. But until now, it hasn't worked.

Amanda took place on the sofa, with Frannie. It was useless trying to even go to bed, she thought. The only person she'd consider calling was Olivia. The last two days, she hesitated and finally decided against it, not wanting to sound ridiculous. Also, Olivia had shown an immense support with Kim and she didn't want to be more of a bother than she already had.

At work, everyone was starting to give her concerned looks and to be perfectly honest, she was worried as well. This had never happened to her and she needed a friend.

Hesitantly, she grabbed her phone.

"Liv.. sorry to bother you!"

"Hey Amanda, I was almost ready for bed. Is everything ok?

"Yeah, yeah, it is!" Amanda couldn't help herself, even though it was obvious that she wouldn't call her captain at midnight if she was fine.

"What's going on?" Olivia encouraged, already sensing the despair in her friend's tone.

"I can't sleep." Amanda declared, casually.

"I'm sorry to hear that. How can I help? Do you wanna talk for a little while?"

"I mean.. I haven't been able to sleep for a while!" The admission made her blush, and she was actually grateful that the captain couldn't see how shameful she was feeling at this moment.

Although Olivia already imagined what the answer might be, she asked for more details which the detective gave.

"Amanda.." The captain whispered in compassion, deciding against reprimanding her friend for not coming forward earlier.

This was the moment Amanda feared. "So.. here's the thing… my therapist wants me to try hypnosis. I have an appointment tomorrow. She thinks it would be good for me to actually talk about.. stuff"

"That's great Amanda. I think so too!"

"Mmh mmh" Amanda didn't know what to answer. Of course Liv would think any kind of expression would be beneficial.

"How do you feel about it honey?"

"I.. don't think I can Liv. I mean.. I'm willing to try because.." Amanda removed the phone from her hear in order to suppress a sob. "Because I'm exhausted.. but I don't trust Dr Hanover.. I don't trust her.. like I trust you." she admitted in a whisper. At first, it felt easier talking with a stranger, but now that things started to be serious, Amanda felt the need to back down and shield herself from anyone that wasn't Olivia Benson.

"Sweetheart, it does mean a lot that you trust me this much. I trust you too! I care about you and I want to help. So how do you think we can make this work? Would you like me to come with you tomorrow? Or would you like me to come right now?" Olivia offered, extremely honored that Amanda decided to ask for help when needed. She'd have to tell her how proud she was.

The conversation concluded quickly, Amanda giving the info about her appointment and assuring that she was going to be fine until tomorrow. She'd make herself a cup of tea and she'd try to go to bed. Of course, the blonde didn't do any of that.

Maybe it was the anxiety, but Dr Hanover's office seemed smaller than usual. Amanda felt trapped between the four walls and she could hardly focus when Dr Hanover explained how the session would unfold.

Amanda would be guided into some profound relaxation state and Dr Hanover didn't have any special plan in mind, and would let the detective lead the way. She'd just ask questions hoping Amanda would be able to express her emotions about any peculiar episode of her life that would come to the surface. Also, she'd be conscious the whole time and would have the option to come back to her regular state of mind at any time, although it was recommended to take it slow and let Dr Hanover guide her back.

Amanda exchanged a worried look with Liv. If the brunette wasn't here, Amanda would have already ran out, pretexting an emergency at work.

Olivia simply nodded in encouragement, as no words were needed. She promised to not leave the room, which provided some comfort even though Amanda felt a little embarrassed that she had to ask for Olivia's presence in order to proceed with the experiment. It had been a little unexpected for the Dr Hanover to see Olivia come with, but given Amanda's trust issues, she actually found the idea would be beneficial.

"You're safe!" Olivia reminded, gently squeezing Amanda's shoulders before taking a step back, letting the session begin.

Reluctantly, Amanda lay down on the couch, already feeling the sudden acceleration of her cardiac rhythm.

"I'm gonna count to ten, and I want you to imagine a staircase in front of you. For every count down, you get down a step." Instructed Dr Hanover, before she'd begin.

"Okay let's do this!" Amanda's encouraging tone was more for her own beneficial. Olivia, not wanting to disturb the process, took place on a chair in the corner of the room.

With a soft and secure voice, Dr Hanover began the process of hypnosis.

"10. You feel calm and ready, you know you're in a place where everything you share is welcomed and you feel confident about yourself.

9. You can place your hand upon your stomach if you like, letting go any kind of unnecessary tension. You breathe from your tommy like all babies do, you appreciate the calmness of the moment.

8. You allow your whole body to relax, starting from your feet, your knees, thighs, the spine, your neck, arms, your mouth and eyes, even your nose. Everything deserves a break sometimes."

Sometimes, she'd take a pause, allowing Amanda all the time she needed to deeply relax.

"7. You allow yourself to let your guard down, and appreciate the feeling of freedom that comes from within.

6. You're deep deep down inside your sacred space, fully connected to who you are.

5. You welcome the emptiness, and appreciate the experience of being delivered from any tension. You focus your attention on the empty spaces inside your body, and you feel them growing more and more.

4. You can see, feel and taste how deeply you are loved. If you want, you can imagine a protection all around you, an invisible skin that nobody can see and that will keep you safe.

3. You don't need to think from your mind anymore, you can just let yourself travel in any part of your body. Every cell has its importance and you appreciate them for what they can bring you."

Now, dr Hanover started whispering, to not disturb Amanda who seemed, very peaceful and relaxed. Olivia was absolutely fascinated by how easy it has been for Amanda to gradually let go of the pressure.

"Two more steps to go.

2. Everything seems so far away…

1. You're now in an hypnotical state."

Dr Hanover didn't talk at first, letting Amanda experimenting for herself the effect of hypnosis, hoping she'd notice how actually safe it was and that she'd still in control somehow. " How do you feel Amanda?" She finally asked, ready lead the detective in her quest.

"I'm good." Amanda's was in a light slumber, she spoke slowly and a little detached from the reality.

"Do you know where you are and who's here?" Dr Hanover asked in reassurance.

"Yeah, you and Livia" Amanda answered with a light smile.

"That's right!"

"My head is spinning" the detective informed, but she didn't seem in any pain or worry.

"That's not unusal. Come back to the sensation in your belly." Dr Hanover guided.

"I don't want to!" Amanda refused, claiming that her tummy hurt.

"Why?"

"Cuz I don't wanna go to school." Amanda's voice sounded way younger. Both Liv and Dr Hanover were satisfied to notice how effective the hypnosis was. Amanda would have never talked about her childhood so openly.

"Don't you love school?" Dr Hanover investigated.

"I do. But I don't wanna go today!" Amanda pouted.

"Why's that?" Dr Hanover was trying to lead the way without being too invasive.

"My dad gave me a black eye"

"Your dad hurt you?"

"Well, he didn't mean to, he was drunk!" It was heartbreaking for Olivia to take note that Amanda had always put her family first, as if she didn't matter. She already knew that of course, but it hurt to see Amanda experiment that pain again.

"I'm so sorry Amanda!" Dr Hanover acknowledged.

"My mum was too scared, so she ran!" Amanda's sadness was unbearable to Olivia that managed to stay quiet.

"Where was your sister?"

"Sleeping. She didn't hear none of that. But I heard the screaming and I came down!"

"Weren't you scared?" Dr Hanover still leaded the way, hoping Amanda could recall as many memory of the even as she could.

"I wanted to make sure everything was okay!"

"Who was making sure you were okay though?"

"Oh, I can take care of myself." At this time, Amanda sounded somehow garded again.

"You sure can. But it must hurt, I'm sure you'd want someone to care for you. Can you tell me how you feel when I say that, Amanda?

"I don't wanna do this!" Amanda finally admitted, feeling the tears running down her cheeks. This time, her voice was mature and firm. Her adult self was almost done with hypnosis, but Dr Hanover tried to push a little further.

"Can you just hand on a little longer Amanda?"

"I don't want to!" the amount of mixed emotions that Amanda was trying so hard to contain were threatening to come to the surface and she wasn't ready to meet them. To what end? To what beneficial? They were buried in her belly and she didn't want to feel them. The thing was, now that they were mentioned, she couldn't think about anything else than how much her pain was burning her from the inside.

"It's important though, so we can explain to the little Amanda that she matters. Don't you want her to know that?" Dr Hanover could feel the obvious tension and wanted to encourage Amanda, affirming it was ok to cry and that her sadness was welcome in the safe place of her office. "I imagine little Amanda has so much sadness she needs to express. Doesn't she?"

"I said I was done!" Amanda insisted.

Olivia gained dr Hanover's attention, somehow asking if she could intervene. The Doctor hesitated for a few seconds and finally nodded. If Amanda stopped now, she'd only see how hurtful hypnosis was and would not feel any benefice from it. She'd then be reluctant to try it again.

"It's Olivia!"

"Liv.. I'm not sure I can do this" Amanda declared, her eyes closed, tears running down her face.

"You're doing so good honey.. and you can open your eyes right now if you want.. but I believe you're still hanging on because you do want to help the little Amanda. Even if it's hard. Is that right? Olivia guessed.

"Nobody has ever seen her!" Amanda sadly declared.

"Well, I do see her!" Olivia assured. "And she sounds like a very lovable little girl!"

"Amanda" Dr Hanover tried again. "What would you tell her? To the little Amanda, with a black eye? Can you take a minute and talk to her? You don't have to do that loud! But I'd really want you to try. Can you do that?"

For a couple of minutes Amanda stayed quiet, almost indicating that the situation was under control again, and that maybe Amanda was indeed trying to address her past-self. And then, out of nowhere, Amanda opened her eyes in a furry and ran out of the room.

"Amanda!" Liv ran after her, to no use.