The Theory of Everything

This is not a love story. It is a story about love.

Warning: This story deals with themes like cheating. Please be advised before reading.

Chapter 1: Fight or Flight

May 11,2019

8pm - Harvey's Office, Manhattan

"You really said that to him?" Harvey chuckles, leaning back against the back of the leather couch and finishing the contents of his glass.

"What else was I supposed to do?" she chuckles, moving to refill her own glass.

The pair had settled in Harvey's office after a particularly stressful day at the office and though it had been ages since they spent time together like this, it felt like no time had passed at all. Things between them had gone back to normal, if you could call it normal, but ever since Donna had started seeing Thomas Kessler, Harvey had been distant. Laughing over a bottle of scotch was something they hadn't done in a long time and she can't believe how much she'd missed it.

"You're pretty ballsy," he comments.

"I go after what I want," she smirks, leaning closer to him as she reaches for his empty glass.

"I'm sure there's been a time when you backed down," he says, watching as his glass transitioned from clear to amber.

For a moment, she thinks maybe he's trying to get her to bring up the them topic, but she wasn't going to give him what he wanted. Instead, she decided that two could play at this game and if he was going to toy with the line, she would as well.

"Never," she boasts, "As I said, I go after what I want."

He knows he's playing with fire. Being here with her, drinking like they used to and pretending her closeness, the subtle hint of her vanilla perfume, had no effect on him.

He'd missed this; them. He never knew how badly he craved their late night gossip sessions over a bottle of scotch until they stopped having them, and suddenly he missed working long hours just so he would have an excuse to laugh with her over the latest crazy stunt Louis had pulled.

She's leaning on his left arm, her body extremely close to his and he's suddenly hyper-aware of their close proximity and his throat bobs when he swallows.

For a brief moment, she thinks he's about to kiss her, and against her better judgment, she's ready to let him. Her eyes close in anticipation of what's to come, his breath growing hotter as he leans closer to her face.

"Like right now for example, what do you want?" he whispers, her eyes still closed but she can feel how close he is and her body trembles.

"I-"

"There you are!" The sound of Thomas's voice cuts through the silence in Harvey's office and the pair quickly jut apart.

"Thomas, what are you doing here?" she asks in a tone that's much harsher than she means for it to be. She makes her way over to where Thomas is standing near the entrance to Harvey's office as he speaks. "We have late dinner plans, don't we?"

"Yes, of course, it just slipped my mind. Why don't you meet me downstairs and I'll go grab my jacket?"

"Sure," he replies before nodding to acknowledge Harvey and placing a small kiss to her temple. Once he's out of sight, she moves to help Harvey clean the now empty again scotch glasses and he watches her silently.

"You don't have to- You wouldn't want to keep him waiting, I can do that."

"Really Harvey it'll take two seconds, it's fine."

"So things are still going well between you two?" he asks and she thinks she senses hostility in his tone but decides it's best not to question it.

"They are," she answers.

"Right," he huffs, folding his arms over his chest and rolling his eyes.

"If you didn't want to know, why did you ask?"

"Just being polite," he adds with a smack of his lips.

"No, you're being an ass."

"I don't know what you want me to say here Donna? We were having a nice normal night, let's not ruin it."

"I think we're far past the point of a normal night," she fires back at him, pacing across his office until she's standing before where he's seated, fuming.

"Why? Everything was fine until tall dark and handsome strolled in here."

"You mean everything was fine until you were about to kiss me…" she deadpans and his face pales.

"I wasn't-"

The look on her face is enough to shut him up and he stops his protest, arms folded over his chest.

"You weren't what?" she challenges.

"Nothing. Because I was… going to kiss you, I mean."

"Why?" she asks and suddenly it feels like all the air has been sucked out of the room.

He reaches for his tie, the knot too tight, and he leans forward in his seat, stammering as he racks his brain for the answer to the question he's had years to come up with. The question for which his heart didn't seem capable of telling his mind and mouth the answer too, despite having known it for years.

"Figures, you still can't say it, can you?" she yells but he has no witty comeback, no smart-ass remark and no confession of feelings. Instead, he sits staring at her wide-eyed and panicked, letting the silence consume him.

"I'm going to go…" she says as she moves to leave the office.

"Donna, wait!" he says, finally finding his voice.

"Why? So we can keep going around in these never ending circles? I can't do this anymore Harvey. Truthfully, I'm not even sure I know what this is, but I'm happy with Thomas. He makes me happy and he might even love me and I need to move on with my life."

"But Donna I-"

"You know what, save it Harvey. I'm the foul for ever believing you might want something more. After everything we've been through, I should have known better," she says as she storms out of his office, leaving him to wallow in the silence that likely just cost him his everything.

.

.

May 11, 2019

10pm - Donna's Apartment, Manhattan

Leaning her head on his shoulder, she closes her eyes for a brief moment before drawing in a long breath. Tonight with Harvey had taken a lot out of her and right now she wished she'd cancelled her plans with Thomas so she could indulge in a bottle of wine alone.

She hated that Harvey always did this to her. Had this effect on her.

Here she was in the arms of a great man who cared about her, hell, who might possibly even love her and she was thinking about Harvey. Granted, she was thinking about what an ass he had been, but he was still the one on her mind.

"What's on your mind?" he asks as he nestles his chin into her hair, his free hand settling on her waist.

"Huh?"

"You're a million miles away tonight, is everything alright?"

"Oh yeah. Just a long day at the office," she lies.

"You've been having a lot of those lately," he replies.

"Comes with the job I guess."

"What if it didn't have to?"

"What are you talking about?" she asks, crawling out of his arms and turning to face him.

"I was going to wait to bring this up, but I was offered a position in Seattle. A company that wants to help expand my brand, and they have a position for you. If you want it."

"Thomas, I-"

"Look, you don't have to say anything right now. I know it's a lot and that this is still pretty new. But Donna, I'm in this for the long run. I think we really have a shot at something here and I would love if you would come with me. Think about it, alright?"

She blinks once, twice, three times, staring back at Thomas bewildered and shocked.

"Alright," she manages to force out, though her mind is far from alright. Things with Thomas had been progressing rather quickly, but she assumed that's how serious relationships went when two adults were committed to each other. It had been a while since she'd been in a romantic relationship with anyone, her hectic work schedule not allowing her the time to get to know anyone well enough to push past a first date. At least, that's the reason she sold herself. Part of her knew the real reason was that she went into every date with one foot already out the door, her heart belonging to the one man she couldn't have.

Thomas had been a pleasant surprise. His quick wit and boyish charm catching her eye while his humor and masculinity intrigued her on their first date. He was the first man she looked forward to spending the evening with since, well, it had been a while since she'd been so excited about a man. Soon, one date turned into two and spending the night turned into spending three nights, so she really shouldn't be surprised that he's asked her to come away with him; they'd practically spent every night together this week, shuffling between his apartment and hers, they'd been inseparable.

But, she was surprised when he asked.

They hadn't even said "I love you," and truth be told, as much as she really liked Thomas, she wasn't sure that she loved him. She knows she could love him. She could love him so deeply. But there's something holding her back, a tiny voice in the back of her mind telling her she would never be able to love Thomas the way he wanted her to. The way she wanted to.

They go back to watching the movie in silence, Donna's head resting on Thomas' shoulder, his fingers running through her hair but despite the silence filling the room, her mind was loud.

She could accept his offer, move away with him and start all over again, but that meant leaving everything she had here (or didn't have here) behind. She wasn't sure she was ready to say goodbye to the life she'd created for herself in Manhattan. After moving to the city fresh out of college, a hopeful young actress, she'd given her all to the firm formerly known as Pearson Hardman, traded in her youthful hopes and dreams to earn the title she now had. Was she really ready to walk away from the house that helped to build her? Was she ready to walk away from him and the life they didn't have together?

On one hand, starting over could be a good thing. She could walk away from the push and pull of her non-existent relationship with her boss-turned-friend-turned-maybe and forget about the years of heartbreak and what-ifs. But that also meant walking away from a part of who she was, and she wasn't sure she was ready to do that.

They had a moment tonight, she was certain of it. They'd been having moments like that lately, lingering glances and touches that lasted longer than they should. Moments that lead her to believe that maybe he was finally ready for something more. For them. She knows it's a bad idea to let herself be hopeful, but when his chocolate brown eyes meet her hazel ones during these brief moments, she can't help herself from surrendering to the idea of them.

They had a moment tonight.

And then, like always, Harvey diminished it by dismissing it and any significance it may have had.

But it was still a moment.

She sighs as she curls further into Thomas' side, his gaze fixed on the movie so he doesn't notice the tears beginning to form in her eyes. Her stomach lurches when she realizes that it was always going to be like tonight with her and Harvey. The moment would always slip away and they would fall into the same old song and dance they'd been playing for years. There was love there, she was certain of it, but it was buried beneath years of pent up anger, emotion and hurt and she doubts they'll ever be able to work past all of their issues so that they could be together.

For years they had been Harvey and Donna. One simply did not exist without the other. But what if it didn't have to be that way? What if the only way to break the vicious cycle was to step outside of the ring.

What if she could be Donna Paulsen without Harvey Specter? The thought alone was enough to send a chill rippling through her body. Did she want to find out?

He had been such an ass tonight, but his jealousy turned her on more than it angered her, which only further frustrated her. Would he ever be ready to be the kind of man she wanted, no, needed him to be? One that was in it for the long run. One that loved her enough to risk everything.

When the credits finally begin to roll, her mind is even more of a mess than it had been when she left Harvey's office. She had so many questions that were left unanswered, so many things she wanted to know but was afraid to ask herself. As Thomas begins to carry their glasses towards the kitchen she makes an impulsive decision to give Harvey one more chance to prove he wanted something more (if he did in fact want something more) before she gave Thomas any type of answer.

She knows her decision should not be based on Harvey, the fact that she's even thinking about Harvey right now should be an indication that she wasn't ready to walk away, but she just can't help herself. He's been a part of her life for far too long and try as she might, she just couldn't seem to cut him out of her.

She had a plan. She would approach Harvey first thing at the office and tell him about Thomas' offer and his reaction would help her make up her mind. It was stupid, childish even, but a large part of her wanted him to tell her to stay; she needed to hear those words come out of his mouth. And if he couldn't tell her, then maybe it was time to move on with her life once and for all.

She makes love to Thomas that night with images of the other time rolling through her mind and she inwardly curses at herself for allowing Harvey into her head. Thomas was a great lover; passionate, gentle, eager to please her. But he couldn't read her the way Harvey had all those years ago. His touch didn't make her body come alive with an unfamiliar sensation that she craved and while he was an excellent kisser, their kisses lacked an energy she couldn't quite pinpoint.

When she comes undone she has to bite her bottom lip to keep from crying out with Harvey's name and she falls asleep an absolute mess. Here she was with a man who wanted to love her and she couldn't stop thinking about the one man who probably never would.

.

.

May 12, 2019

8am- ZSL, Manhattan

She strolls into her office the next morning, head held high despite being a train wreck of half-baked thoughts. She'd spent the better part of the morning psyching herself up for what she was about to do. What she had to do. She needed him to tell her to stay, to fight for her one last time.

Smoothing down her navy dress, she draws in a deep breath and counts to three before she begins her purposeful stride towards Harvey's office. He looks up and locks eyes with her as soon as she enters his office, not having enough time to complete the "Donna" that he greets her with before she blurts out that Thomas asked her to move to Seattle with him. It wasn't how she planned to tell him, and she hadn't meant to to blurt it out like that but seeing his smile beneath those big brown eyes, she panicked and aborted her well thought out plan.

"What?" he asks, beginning to sit back in the seat he'd risen from to greet her.

"Sorry I didn't mean to just ambush you like that, it's just last night Thomas told me he received an offer to move his company to Seattle, and he asked me to go with him," she says, surprised at how calm her own voice sounded when her heart was pounding in her ears.

"So, you're leaving?" he says, eyes falling on his desk, face pale.

"I didn't say that," she says, daring to take a step in the direction of his desk but not quite so daring as to tear her gaze away from her pumps.

"You might as well have. Just last night you told me how great things were between the two of you, why wouldn't you go?" he replies, his voice dripping with rage and hurt.

When she finally dares to look across the room, she notices his head dropped, eyes refusing to find hers and she knows he's upset.

"So you think I should go?" she asks softly.

"Why does it matter what I think? It's your life Donna!" he yells, getting up and pacing towards his office window. He settles in place, staring out over the city, his back to where she was fighting back the tears that were beginning to form.

So much for telling her not to go. So much for fighting for her, for them.

"I just thought-"

"That you would come in here and run it by me? Pretend like you hadn't already made up your mind about leaving? It's fine Donna. Go. Be with him, I'm sure we can find you a replacement in a few weeks."

Stung by the cruelty of his words and the bitterness in his voice, she turns to leave without so much as another word, making a beeline for the washroom where she washes away the tears that stained her cheeks. She returns to her office a while later and texts Thomas that she would like to meet for lunch. Harvey had made it perfectly clear that there was nothing left for her here; it was time to move on.

Back in his office, he fetches himself a glass of scotch as he continues to peer out over the city, not caring that it was too early for a drink.

She was leaving him.

She was leaving the firm, the city, her life here. But what cut the deepest was thinking about how for the first time in almost two decades, they wouldn't be working together.

He hadn't meant to snap at her, but he just couldn't help himself. After last night and the almost moment they'd shared, he thought that maybe they were finally on the same page. But then Thomas showed up and he was reminded that she had moved on, was happy without him, and who was he to take that happiness away from her?

The last thing he ever wanted was to be the man that took away her chance for a happy ending, even if that meant succumbing to his own misery.

He could tell her how he felt, but it wasn't right. Not while she was with Thomas. They'd been there before and they almost didn't come back from it. He couldn't put them through it again.

He wanted to tell her to stay.

But it was selfish of him.

He wanted to tell her to stay because the company needed her. Her friends needed her. He needed her.

But when it all came down to it, he knew he did what had to be done. He needed to support her decision to leave and despite the bitterness with which he told her she should go, he knew it was the right thing to do.

The right thing that shattered his heart into shards. But the right thing.

If he'd learned anything over the years, it was that everyone left. And Donna Paulsen was no exception.

.

.

May 12, 2019

1pm - The Modern, Manhattan

She spots Thomas seated next to the window at one of her favourite lunch time bistro's and smiles when he waves her over. He was dressed in a pale blue dress shirt with a matching navy jacket and she had to admit, he pulled off blue better than any man she'd ever met.

She takes a seat across from him, leaning over to greet him with a chaste kiss on the cheek as she does so.

"Hello beautiful, how's your day been?" he says.

"I want to go with you," she blurts out rather than answer his question. For the second time that day, unable to resist the impulse telling her to rip the bandaid off. It was a strange feeling, not being able to refrain from blurting out what was on her mind, but she supposes that subconsciously she knows it's the only way she can ensure she wouldn't chicken out of saying what she came to say.

And that's exactly what she was doing, why she'd asked Thomas to meet her for lunch. She knew that if she had time to cool off after Harvey had snapped at her, she may convince herself to give him yet another chance, and she was tired of giving out chances. She needed to break this cycle once and for all. She needed to put herself first for once.

"What?" Thomas stares back at her, shocked.

"I thought about it and I want to go with you to Seattle," she says, this time more confidently.

A wide smile settles over Thomas' face as he reaches for her palm and squeezes it over the table.

"Donna, are you sure?"

"Absolutely. If you're moving and starting over somewhere new I want to be a part of it. I'm in this Thomas," she says, willing herself to believe in her own words despite knowing she'd always been unsure and hesitant when it came to their relationship.

She could do this. She could start again. She could cut him out.

"I- You have no idea how happy I am to hear that," he gushes.

"You thought I wasn't?" she questions, studying his furrowed brow as he formulates a response.

"I just thought that maybe… you know what, never mind it doesn't matter. What matters is we're really doing this."

"We are," she nods with a tight lipped smile.

"I love you," he breathes as though it's the simplest statement in the world.

Her face pales and she stutters, knowing what he wants to hear but it's suddenly all too much. It's like the air in the room has been sucked out and she can't catch her breath. She's drowning and no one is around to save her.

And she knows that isn't the reaction she should be having after hearing that someone loved her.

But it wasn't the person she wanted to hear those words from today.

She could learn to love Thomas, she was certain of it. He was kind and caring and smart and one day she would wake up and be in love with him. That day just wasn't today.

"And I know that's the first time I've told you, but Donna, I don't want you to feel pressured to say it back. You just say it when you're ready. Okay?" he adds, picking up on her sudden panic.

"I really like you Thomas."

"I'll take it," he beams, taking her hand in his as they order lunch and make small talk about the future plans for his company in Seattle.

She was moving to Seattle with Thomas. Because Harvey Specter didn't love her. At least, he couldn't admit that he did.

She was running, and she was leaving her shattered heart in Manhattan.

.

.

May 31, 2019

7pm, ZSL, Manhattan

It had been two weeks since they'd last spoken, not that he was counting. One week and six days since she'd resigned from her position as the firms COO, again, he wasn't counting. She was leaving for Seattle the following Sunday, he knew because Louis told him while he rambled on about the going away party he was throwing for Donna. It was all happening too fast. He was supposed to help interview to fill her position on Monday and tonight he was expected to be at her going away party because they were Harvey and Donna, and what would it mean if he didn't show up to bid farewell to one of his oldest friends and co-workers. It would mean he was too heartbroken to even think about saying goodbye, but he couldn't let that part of him show.

So, he puts on a black tie and his favourite suit and he downs two glasses of scotch before calling Ray to bring him back to the firm he'd only left hours prior.

When he arrives, the party is already in full swing. The partners are gathered near the bar, laughing about a story Louis and Sheila are telling and the associates are scattered across the 50th floor but so far, he sees no sign of Donna. He makes his way over to the bar and orders a double when he spots Thomas near the reception desk, but still no sign of Donna. Thomas notices Harvey standing alone and approaches him, offering him a small smile and a salute of his glass before he settles in beside him at the bar.

"Congratulations on the expansion," Harvey says, staring straight forward and avoiding looking at the man next to him. The man that was taking Donna away from him.

"Thanks, we're both pretty excited about the move," he replies.

Harvey visibly gulps at the mention of them and can no longer keep his curiosity at bay.

"Where is Donna?"

"She had a few final things to pack up in her office, she'll be around."

The men sit and finish their drinks in silence before Harvey mumbles an excuse about having to go and pushed up off the bar stool.

"Harvey," Thomas calls out to him, "I wanted to thank you."

"For what?"

"For making this easier on her. You know as well as I do that this place means everything to her. Having your support on this has really made this whole transition period easier."

"Oh," is all he manages to say before excusing himself and heading off in the direction of Donna's office. What the hell did Thomas mean by "his support"? He hadn't said a word to Donna since they had their falling out in his office. Maybe she'd told Thomas otherwise?

He spots her office light on and slowly makes his way down the hall, only pausing after spotting her inside. She was sitting at her desk, staring down at a small piece of paper that was held between her two thumbs; her COO business card. He considers interrupting her, marching into her office and letting his resolve crumble, but watching as she sadly turns the card over in her palm, he realizes how hard this must be on her and he doesn't have the heart to intrude on the moment she was having. He watches for a while longer as she just sits at her desk, long red curls covering the shoulders that her black sleeveless gown left exposed. She looked like she belonged in that office, like there was no where on this earth she could possibly be meant to be.

And it kills him that this would be the last time that he would see her there. That he won't get to watch her outsmart some first year associate that thinks they know better because they went to law school and she didn't. Or that after nearly two decades of seeing each other practically everyday, he wasn't going to see her anymore.

She was going to be on the opposite side of the country, building a life with Thomas and every bone in his body ached at the thought.

This was not how their story was supposed to end; he was certain. Yet, it appeared to be how the story was ending.

He may have been the best closer in the city, but when it came to matters of his own heart, he was so far gone that he doubts anyone could save him. He loved her. But he couldn't bring himself to tell her. And what was love if not communicated in some shape or form? How could he truly love her in a way she deserved if he couldn't even find the words to tell her that she'd run away with a small piece of his heart all those years ago, and without it he would live out the rest of his days a slightly lesser, incomplete man.

He eventually leaves the hall, leaving her to say goodbye on her own before settling into his own desk chair. He's not sure how he's supposed to say goodbye to her, but he knows it's inevitable and sooner or later he would have to man up and face the music. Pouring himself a third (or was it his fourth?) drink, he settles onto the sofa and closes his eyes for a moment, willing this hellish reality to go away.

People always leave. His mom. His dad. Mike and Rachel.

And now, Donna.

Maybe he was destined to be alone. Perhaps fate was trying to tell him not to bother getting close to anyone, not to open his heart and let others in. After all, everyone he'd ever cared about left.

He talks himself out of his panic attack nearly as quickly as he talked himself into it, and he decides to call it a night before his dark thoughts consumed and got the better of him.

He doesn't bother to look for her, knowing his fragile heart can't handle a proper goodbye and he heads straight for the elevator. The doors are closing when a familiar manicured hand reaches out and stops them, and Donna gets in the elevator and glances over him quickly before turning to face the now closed doors. They ride in silence for a few floors the tension filling the small metal box radiative and soon he finds himself gravitating towards her, settling with his feet planted just behind hers, his mouth hovering just above her ear. He hears her breath hitch as he moves closer but she doesn't make a motion to move away, instead she breathes out with a small soft sigh before her breathing returns to normal.

"I miss you," he whispers practically into her ear, his body ghosting over her back.

"I haven't gone anywhere yet," she says, still staring straight ahead.

"You know what I mean, I miss us."

"There was never an us," she says as the elevator dings and indicates they'd reached the ground floor.

"You made sure of that," she calls back at him as she begins to make her way across the lobby.

"Donna!" he calls after her, chasing her until she stops in front of the coloured lights that lined the lobby of the firm, the purple hues making her hair sparkle.

"What?!" she cries as she whirls around to face him.

"Don't go."

"Don't do this," she says, turning towards the exit and taking a face more steps before coming to an abrupt halt and marching back towards him, stopping inches from his face.

"You had a chance to tell me to stay. And you didn't."

"I couldn't."

"You couldn't fight for me?"

"I couldn't risk taking away from your happiness."

She chuckles slightly, running both hands through her hair and then over her face with a heavy sigh.

"You really are an idiot."

"Because I care about your happiness?!"

"Because you could never see that you were the source of it!" she screams, her face still inches from his.

"Donna…" he breathes, his fingers hovering by her cheeks but he doesn't dare touch her; doesn't dare make any motion that would disrupt the moment they found themselves in. Time freezes as his hand cups her cheek and she closes her eyes, a single tear escaping her left eye. He angles her head towards his as she draws in a second shaky breath, her body trembling.

His thumb caresses her cheek as chocolate eyes melt into a pool of hazel. An eternity passes.

"Harvey - " she mumbles, breaking the bubble and his hand falls from her face.

"I have to go," she adds.

"Donna - "

"Please, Harvey. Just let me go," she cries, wiping the tears now streaming down her face as she runs towards the exit.

He doesn't chase after her. He doesn't call or text. He just lets her go, watches as she walks right out of his life, and leaves the pieces of his broken heart behind for him to try and reassemble.

The great Harvey Specter had become the picture of a broken man. One who had once held his entire universe in the palm of his hand only to let it slip away; and that, warranted the seventh drink he poured himself as he drank himself to sleep on the Sunday evening she was set to move. He was on a mission to drink her away, only with each additional drop of amber liquid that touched his tongue, he craved her more.