This is set after the book rather than the TV show, where Crowley and Aziraphale face no consequences for stopping the apocalypse and Heaven and Hell, with some embarrassment, just pretend like nothing happened.

I already have the 2nd/final Chapter written, I just wanna give it a last read through before I post it.

Aziraphale was sat at his desk in his bookshop, reading some poetry, when the peaceful silence was broken by the screeching of protesting brakes outside.

Through the window he saw Crowley stagger out of his Bentley and then dash towards the door, a panicked look on his face.

Heart racing, Aziraphale ran across the room and reached the door just as Crowley burst through it, setting the bell jangling wildly. Crowley moved towards Aziraphale like a drowning man to a life ring.

"Angel!"

The demon looked so distraught that Aziraphale's mind immediately jumped to the worst case scenario and he felt convinced that Hell had changed their minds and decided to take action against Crowley after all.

It had been almost a year since the failed apocalypse, and at first Aziraphale had felt a near constant fear of retaliation but these past few months he had really started to feel safe again. That sense of security was quickly crumbling away.

"W- What happened?" Aziraphale asked, terrified of the answer.

Crowley ran a shaking hand through his hair. He removed his sunglasses and then looked at Aziraphale, his eyes desperate. "You know how to remove a curse, right?"

"A curse?"

"You can remove them, right?"

Aziraphale felt bewildered. "Er, yes. It's been a while, but yes."

Aziraphale looked closely at Crowley using supernatural sight, and saw the black fog of a curse swirling around him. He let out a shocked sound. "Oh! Oh, Crowley! What happened?"

"They put a bloody curse me, didn't they! Those bastards!"

Aziraphale locked the door and made sure the sign was spun to 'Closed.'

"Who did this?"

"The demon Asmodeus. The others were egging him on. Absolute bastards, the lot of them!"

"Come along, my dear," Aziraphale said, taking Crowley by the arm and steered him towards the back room. "We must get this sorted out straight away."

"You're telling me!"

"I've used my divine powers to break curses on humans plenty of times, so don't you worry. We'll have you back to normal in a jiffy."

Crowley sat down on the sofa, fidgeting and tapping his foot distractedly while Aziraphale closed the door to the backroom.

"Now, which curse is it?" Aziraphale asked.

Crowley tensed and looked up at him. "Does it really matter?"

"I'm afraid it does matter, yes."

Crowley looked distraught. When he had first arrived he had been deathly pale, but now his cheeks were starting to redden. He cleared his throat, obviously embarrassed and uncomfortable.

Aziraphale took mercy on him.

"I only need to know what category it is. Different categories are broken in different ways. Is it a misfortune curse? Or a timed curse? Or a hex? Or- or I can get one of my books if that helps?"

"Timed? I think? I have to do a particular thing within a time limit or I'll die. I've got until the next full moon. This Saturday. Only four days left!"

Aziraphale's chest tightened. "Die?"

"Well, discorporate. If it were cast on a human then they would die, but I will just discorporate."

"Oh. Thank goodness."

"Don't look so relieved! If I don't break the curse in time and I discorporate, that won't be the end of it! The second my people send me back to Earth with a new body I'll just discorporate again. There will be no escape from it, I'll just keep on dying. I'll have to stay in Hell, in a bloody desk job! Aziraphale, you have to remove this curse!"

"R- right. Don't worry!"

Aziraphale felt horrified at the thought of Crowley being trapped in Hell, of never being able to see him again. The sooner this curse was broken the better.

"Now, my dear, what is it that you would have to do before the time limit runs out to break the curse? I need to know the category of that too."

"Why?!" Crowley snapped, but then he sighed with defeat. "It's- it's a sexual one, okay? An incubus cast it, so of course it would be."

"That fiend! Don't you worry, Crowley, I'll fix this! You'll be as right as rain in no time."

"I, er... to break the curse I would have to... have sex with an incubus."

"Oh, I see! So this was all a horrible and convoluted way to get you into his bed then?"

"Yeah, but the jokes on him! I would have just gone with one of the other incubi anyway if I had to. But if you could break this curse for me instead, that'd be great."

"Yes, of course."

Aziraphale grabbed a vintage Candlestick holder complete with a candle then placed it on the coffee table. He clicked his fingers and a flame burst forth.

Crowley shuffled backwards in his seat and eyed the flame nervously. "Is fire really necessary?"

"Yes, a candle is needed for the ritual."

Crowley sighed. "Be careful. Fire and this shop don't mix."

"I will, dear boy. I have this under control."

Aziraphale pulled up a chair and sat down. It had been a while since he had last broken a curse, but he easily remembered what he needed to do.

He picked up the candle from the table and held it in his lap before starting to chant in an ancient language. As the words started to weave their magic, he could see the black fog that surrounded Crowley becoming more defined and focused, until it took on the distinctive pattern of the precise curse which had been cast.

And it was not the curse Crowley had told him it was.

Crowley did not have to have sex with an Incubus in order to break the curse. He had to lose his virginity.

Crowley was a virgin.

This was a bit of a surprise to Aziraphale. In fact he was so shocked by this revelation that he lost his concentration and stuttered during the chant which made the candle flame blow out.

Crowley looked alarmed. "Wh- what happened? Did it work?"

"Oops! No! Sorry! I, er, mispronounced something… I have to start again. So sorry."

Crowley deflated.

Aziraphale stood up, almost knocking his chair over in his haste. He placed the candle on the table. "I'll just- I need some incense. It helps to ground me. I'll be right back."

"Shall I come with-"

"No, no! You wait here," Aziraphale exclaimed, almost tripping over a pile of books as he edged towards the door. "I'll be right back!"

Aziraphale fled the room into the shop itself, closing the door behind him. He just needed a moment to get his head around this new information. It was all a bit much to take in.

He grabbed a box of incense he kept in one of his desk drawers and then just stood there staring at it, unseeing.

He had always thought that Crowley was promiscuous, constantly bedding humans, and Crowley had actively encouraged him to believe this. Now it was clear that this couldn't be further from the truth.

Why had Crowley lied? Why did he even want him to believe that he was constantly seducing humans in the first place?

Crowley liked to pretend at being human, at acting like a certain type of man, but Aziraphale had always thought that it was all just a show he put on for the humans, not for him. He liked to think he knew the real Crowley, but clearly he didn't know him as well as he thought he did.

Aziraphale had feelings for Crowley, but he had decided not to act on them because he thought Crowley wouldn't want to be monogamous. This changed things.

He wondered why Crowley had told him that he needed to have sex with an incubus in order to break the curse, but then it dawned on him that there were only three sex curses: lose your virginity, have sex with an incubi or succubi, or have sex with anyone - and that last one would have confused Aziraphale, because why would Crowley be upset about having to do something that he liked to do all the time anyway?

Crowley had lied because he was scared Aziraphale would figure out the truth. It was plain that Crowley didn't want him to know, or suspect, that he was a virgin. He might be embarrassed about it, or maybe it just didn't fit in with his demonic image.

It wasn't unusual in itself that Crowley was a virgin - all angels, including the fallen, were sexless unless they made an effort and many didn't bother - but Crowley must have a sex drive or the curse would not have worked on him. Sex curses only worked on those who have sexuality, so surely he indulged himself even if he did not take partners.

Aziraphale was unsure what losing one's virginity even really meant in terms of the curse. These days, many people thought that having penis-in-vagina sex for the first time was what it took to loose ones virginity, but many cultures throughout history saw it differently.

Aziraphale was used to breaking curses with some good, old, ritualistic chanting, therefore he didn't know much about this side of things. He was unsure what the curse would actually require Crowley to do. It might even be little more than kissing and fondling.

Initially, Aziraphale had assumed that being a virgin meant Crowley would have no sexual experience at all, but really it only meant that he hadn't had the exact sexual experience that was required to break the curse. It was entirely possible that Crowley had experimented sexually without losing his virginity.

Aziraphale considered consulting one of his books to find out, but really it was irrelevant and invasive, it was none of his business how much Crowley might have already done sexually, and really he should be getting back to him right now. He ought to be helping him, not ruminating like this.

He imagined himself marching back into the other room and sweetly telling Crowley that he knew a far more exciting and fun way to break the curse, then pinning him to the sofa and kissing him senseless.

He blushed, embarrassed and ashamed of himself, this was no time to be fantasising about his poor, dear friend! He had to help him, no distractions. He could fantasise as much as he liked when all this was over and Crowley was safe.

But as he walked back to the other room, Aziraphale found himself wondering what the chances were that Crowley desired him back. Aziraphale had always tried not to dwell on this possibility, back when he'd been resisting such a temptation, but now he desperately hoped that Crowley felt the same way. Perhaps Crowley would want a monogamous relationship with him after all.

He stopped at the door, clutching the incense tightly, and forced himself to calm down. He shouldn't get his hopes up anyway, Crowley might be a virgin because he simply didn't want to have sex with anyone. Perhaps he was asexual. There could be any number of reasons why he would want to stay a virgin. And Crowley might not be attracted to him in that way anyway.

He needed to stop obsessing like this, he was torturing himself. All that mattered right now was getting Crowley out of this awful situation as quickly as he could. There would be plenty of time later to obsess over how Crowley might feel about him, but right now he had an important job to do.

He walked into the back room with a smile and plenty of reassuring words for Crowley, who was wringing his hands and looking worried.

After sitting down and lighting both the incense and the candle, Aziraphale got back to work. He focused all of his attention and power on the task at hand. The room was silent, save for the sound of his voice.

He quickly realised that whoever had cast this evil spell was very skilled, and that it was going to take everything he had in order to break it. After several failed attempts he started to get worried but hid it as best as he could from Crowley. He tried every trick he could think of, his panic rising as it became clear that he was not strong or skilled enough to do this. He kept going, refusing to give in, but nothing worked.

Aziraphale stopped chanting, finally having to admit defeat. He stared miserably at the swirling black fog that shrouded his best friend, trying to figure out how on Earth to tell Crowley that he had failed him.

"Aziraphale...?" Crowley asked quietly.

"I- I'm sorry. I can't do it. I've tried everything."

Crowley made a frightened noise. "What are you talking about?! I know you can do it! Come on!"

"I'm sorry. I've tried everything. It's no use."

"But you must be able to do it! Try again! Please! You can't give up now!"

"Crowley..."

"Wait, wait, I know what went wrong! I must have been mistaken. Maybe it's a different curse. S- still a sex one, but..."

"That wouldn't make a difference. All sexual curses are broken in the same way."

"But what if it does matter after all? It might work if you try it again, when you know the real curse!"

Aziraphale shook his head. "No, I already know the real curse, it became visible while I was chanting."

"It... It did? You saw it? Oh. So... Oh. Right. Well then. So you, er, already know. Right." Crowley leant forward and put his face in his hands. "And you really can't break the curse?"

"I can't. I'm so sorry."

Crowley let out a whimper.

"But, maybe... It's a long shot, but witches are historically speaking rather adept when it comes to curses. Maybe that nice young lady - Anathema - maybe she might be able to break the curse using magic. You remember her? She had lots of occult items in her bicycle basket."

Crowley looked up hopefully. "Yeah! She was very witchy!"

"Exactly! And she comes from a long line of witches. It's certainly worth a try."

"Yeah, I bet she can break the curse!" Crowley said enthusiastically. "Otherwise I'm gonna have to choose between spending eternity in Hell shifting papers or giving it up to some incubus, and I really don't know which is worse."

"Or a human, it wouldn't have to be an incubus," Aziraphale reminded him gently, concerned that Crowley was still sticking with his incubus story.

"Nah. If I have to, if it comes down to it… I'll probably end up doing it with an incubus. I don't really know any humans well enough - It'd be weird. Couldn't do it with a stranger."

Aziraphale wanted to say, 'I'm not a stranger! How about you do it with me!' But he didn't have the nerve.

"I know one or two of the incubi well enough I suppose. But, well… they have a habit of blabbing," Crowley said, looking miserable. "And I'd just rather not."

"Why did they do this to you?" Aziraphale asked, seething with anger.

"Asmodeus said it was ridiculous for a demon that had been on Earth for as long as I have to have never… indulged. Said it'd do me good, and I would be grateful in the end. Bastard."

"Maybe if you talk to one of your superiors, they might be able to force him to reverse it?"

Crowley shook his head. "Beelzebub was there and she thought it was a great idea."

"Bugger."

"Hopefully bicycle-girl can fix it anyway," Crowley said optimistically, getting to his feet. "Come on, I'll drive us there."

"Do you remember the way to her cottage?" Aziraphale asked as he followed Crowley to the door.

"Yeah. I guess you insisting that we give her and the other humans a lift home from the airfield has paid off."

Aziraphale frowned at him. "Well, there was plenty of room in the jeep you commandeered, and I don't know how else you expected those poor people to get back home safely."

Crowley didn't reply but Aziraphale was sure he rolled his eyes.

Soon, they were getting into the car.

Aziraphale fastened his safety belt while Crowley fiddled with the cassette player. He put in a cassette that said Vivaldi on it, his fingers crossed, but unfortunately it had already been in the car for two weeks and had morphed into The Best of Queen.

Crowley growled irritably. "Fine. We'll listen to the radio then!"

The demon blinked and the radio switched itself on.

A bouncy tune that Aziraphale didn't recognise burst out of the speakers. A female voice crooned at them:

…like a virgin touched for the very first time, like a viiiiiiiiirgin, with your heartbeat next to mine-

"Fuck off!" Crowley hissed furiously at the radio, his cheeks turning red. The radio went deathly silent.

Crowley decided to opt for Queen after all.

Soon they were barrelling along on the motorway, breaking the speed limit. They sat in silence as Freddie Mercury serenaded them.

Aziraphale's heart was racing. There was something he needed to say to Crowley before they reached Anathema but he couldn't quite find the courage to get the words out. He wanted to put an idea out there while there were still other options on the table, while Crowley still had hope that the curse could be broken by the witch. Because the more Aziraphale thought about it, the more he believed that Anathema wouldn't be able to do this. Very soon, Crowley would have no options left.

Aziraphale cleared his throat. "I was thinking… If this doesn't work, and you didn't want to, you know, be intimate with an incubus. Well. There's always me. If that's preferable. I just wanted you to know that's an option. Have a think about it- watch that car!"

The Bentley swerved, narrowly avoiding colliding with the car in front of them, then pulled over onto the lay-by and came to a stop.

"Sorry!" Crowley gasped, "That car slowed down out of nowhere!"

Aziraphale decided not to point out that the traffic had been slowing down to join the queue for a roundabout. "Apologies. I shouldn't have distracted you while you were driving."

"Angel, you- you don't have to do this…"

"I know I don't have to."

Crowley turned and stared at him, blushing furiously. Aziraphale's own face felt hot.

Crowley averted his gaze. "It- It would change things between us. You're very important to me and I don't want to risk ruining our friendship."

"Neither do I, but it wouldn't necessarily ruin anything."

Aziraphale suddenly realised that this might be Crowley's way of letting him down gently. Perhaps Crowley didn't like him like that. Aziraphale soldiered on. "But I know what you mean. It's entirely up to you, my dear. I just wanted you to know that this is an option too. But I won't be offended if you choose not to. And hopefully Anathema will sort everything out anyway, so you won't even have to make that decision."

Crowley glanced up at him. He looked torn. It occurred to Aziraphale that Crowley knew that he was a virgin too and perhaps he was reluctant to take that away from him. He decided to put those worries to rest if he had them.

"And I'm a virgin too, so it would be a first for both of us. I must confess, I've been rather curious-" Aziraphale stopped speaking and stared in shock at Crowley. He had just rolled his eyes at him. The angel pursed his lips, confused and deeply offended.

"Aziraphale, can you please just drop the act?" Crowley said, frustration in his voice. "You don't need to pretend anymore. We both know that you're experienced, and I certainly don't judge you for that. I'd much rather we were both honest at this point."

"I am being honest!" Aziraphale said hotly, hating being called a liar. "I've never been intimate with anyone!"

"I get it okay? You've got this pure and innocent image to maintain, just as I've been trying to act like this sex-crazed bad boy, but I think it would be best if we both just started telling the truth now."

"I am telling the blasted truth! I've never done anything sexual with anyone before, ever. I've told you this before. Why on Earth would I lie? I mean, honestly, Crowley, you're being incredibly silly."

Crowley stared at him wide eyed. "Y- you've really never?"

"Never."

"Oh." Crowley stared out of the window, his brow creasing in confusion. "But... you're always hanging around with gay men."

"That doesn't mean I'm having sex with them!" Aziraphale scoffed.

"But, er, I've seen you in gay clubs. And back in the day, I saw you in molly houses and 'gentlemen's clubs' and stuff."

"Did you now," Aziraphale said, raising an eyebrow. "I like to guide and protect those people. The police had a terrible habit of raiding Molly houses back in those days, and I needed to perform a fair few miracles to keep the patrons safe. You know that people who are homosexual have had a tough time through the ages, and even though things have improved somewhat I do still feel the need to look after them."

"Oh. That does make sense actually."

"Of course it makes sense, it's the truth! I can't believe you thought I'd been having sex with humans this entire time. I made it perfectly plain to you that I was doing nothing of the sort."

"I thought you were just too embarrassed to confess to it for some reason. I don't know. Lust is one of ours."

"And Love is one of ours. And there's nothing wrong with a bit of intimacy."

"Right."

"Right."

"So you and Oscar Wilde?"

"For goodness sake, Crowley! Certainly not! I told you. He was a nice enough fellow, but I certainly wouldn't want to be another notch on his bed post."

Crowley nodded. He gave him an apologetic look. "I'm sorry, I should have believed you from the start. I just got it into my head somehow."

"I couldn't be with a human anyway. They are so different to us and their lives are so short. Anything more than a casual fling would be impossible, and I don't really think flings would be my cup of tea."

"I know what you mean. That's why I've never gone with a human. I'm always so careful not to get too attached to any of them - it's too painful when they go and bloody die. And the whole 'not aging thing' is a pain in the arse, the number of times I've had to pretend to be my own son or grandson! We can never really be ourselves around them."

Aziraphale nodded. They sat in thoughtful silence for a moment.

"I can't believe I've been so wrong about you this whole time," Crowley said, "I honestly thought you were having tons of sex. This is a lot to get my head around."

"I honestly thought you were experienced too."

Crowley looked sheepish. "I mostly just let you think that because I didn't want you to think I wasn't getting any, when you were."

Aziraphale smiled at the demon. "We are a silly pair, aren't we?"

"Yeah," Crowley said. "Are you really sure about this? Would you really be okay with… you know, helping me break the curse that way? If witch-girl can't help, I mean."

"As I said, I've always been curious. And, to be honest, you're the only one I would consider doing it with anyway."

"Really?" Crowley said, staring at him in amazement, but then a worried look crossed his face. "You're not just saying all of this because of the curse, are you? I wouldn't want to force you. And I always got the impression you didn't feel that way about me."

Aziraphale felt a nervous fluttering in his chest. "I confess that when I believed you were some sort of philanderer, I felt it would be a bad idea for anything of that nature to happen between us. But, er, that didn't mean I'd never considered it."

Crowley seemed suspicious of his words, like he didn't entirely believe what Aziraphale had said.

Aziraphale bit his lower lip. "I am a tad nervous though. I mean, I only know how to break curses using my powers. What would we need to do exactly?"

"Oh! Well, er…" Crowley cleared his throat. "Completion must be brought about by someone else's physical contact."

"Oh, like skin contact? Using hands, that sort of thing? That's not so scary. No, that would be alright." Aziraphale had worried that it might have been something potentially painful. "Would you be okay with it?"

Crowley shifted awkwardly in his seat. He nodded. "Yeah, I think so. So long as you are definitely okay with it. You really are considering doing this aren't you? I mean, as a backup plan - if witch girl can't help."

"Of course. As a backup plan. Unless you would rather not."

"Oh, no, no, no! I mean, I'd rather- I'd rather it was with you."

Aziraphale smiled. "Oh, good! Well, I'm glad that's settled then. That's a relief. Let's go and see Anathema then, shall we?"

Crowley nodded.

Soon they had joined the traffic again and were zooming ever closer to Lower Tadfield. Aziraphale glanced at Crowley. His hands were gripping the steering wheel so tightly that his knuckles had turned white.