Is this… actual swimming in a story about characters from a swimming anime? I can't say I've written too much fanfiction for sports anime, but I am generally pretty bad about skimping on the specifics about the sport in question… ^^' What can I say? Literally everything I know about competitive swimming has come from the Free! anime.

Chapter Five: Doors to the Future

When Makoto led him back to the school that Sunday, he honestly thought they were there for some sort of intensive study session. (Like punishment for taking a whole day and a half off.) This close to the end of the school year, there were groups that met on the weekends for review.

But, with a smile that told him he knew exactly what Haru was thinking, Makoto led him through the school and back out the other side through an inner door. Haru's expression cleared as they came out around the side of the pool, a welcome and familiar sight.

"Come on," Makoto said, already kicking off his shoes to go up to the deck. "I've never seen you let someone else beat you into the water."

This woke him out of his mini daze, and within seconds, his shoes and socks were off as well. His shirt came off on his way up the stairs, and Makoto heard the splash before he'd even made it up himself. He had to smile at the sight of that form gliding through the pool, aimless and entirely unrestricted. Free.

In true Makoto fashion, he gathered up all of Haru's discarded clothing and placed it off to the side before removing the rest of his own. He'd taken a page out of Haru's book and worn his swimsuit under his regular pants and was soon in the water alongside him.

He'd missed the sudden chill in the first seconds after plunging in. The slow descent to the bottom before he pushed himself back up for air. He'd missed this. It had really only been a few weeks since they'd been out here every afternoon. But it felt like an eternity now.

Haru was underwater when Makoto joined him. He felt the shift in the water before he drifted around to see the explosion of bubbles. He watched as Makoto simply… stalled there for a moment, suspended in the water. Haru watched him savoring the moment, knowing exactly how he felt for the first time in far too long. They rose to the surface in unison, breathing deep and settling in now that the initial rush had passed.

Makoto kicked up to float leisurely on his back while Haru ducked back under. He just needed one more moment. A few more seconds where it was just him and the water, fused into one being. Because he knew things would shift a little when he went back up for air. He could feel that this… outing, date, whatever he wanted to call it… was about them. Makoto softening him up for something? The thought made him a little uneasy. If he was right, it must be for something pretty drastic. After all, he thought he'd been really good about staying open to all the 'couple-y' things in his quest to please Makoto.

But it was no use letting those worries stew into a storm of anxiety. Granted, he might have, under other circumstances. So it was a little lucky that he had a biological timer to put an end to it now. He let it go on until the protests from his lungs began to truly restrict his movements, breaking the surface and inhaling sharply.

Makoto was pretty much right where he'd left him, which was reassuring in a way that appealed to his deepest-rooted insecurities. He observed him for a moment, seeing a smile form on his face when he felt Haru's eyes on him. This was enough encouragement for him to slowly swim over and float up onto his own back so that they were both just drifting there, staring up at the sky.

It was peaceful. The feel of an incoming loaded conversation that he'd been dreading underwater had disappeared almost completely up here under the sun. Now that they weren't in motion, the water settled around them until it was almost as if the pool hadn't had any visitors that day at all. Just the way he liked it.

"This is nice," Makoto said at last. His words broke the silence, but not in a grating way. Haru hummed in agreement. He knew he could have just as easily come here himself… but a part of him wanted to thank Makoto for today. It was a mark of how much his world had expanded, he realized. He could have all the free time in the world with the water, and it still would have felt empty if he was alone.

"We'll have to check out your school's free swim hours. I'm sure you'll want to use it for more than just the team practices. If you can get there early enough, you'll probably have the pool to yourself."

Makoto thought of everything. Haru turned his head to smile fondly at him. The action dunked one of his ears completely under the water, muffling the sounds around him. To someone else, this may have been disorienting, but Haru barely noticed.

Makoto swung his eyes away from the clouds floating overhead when the water rippled with Haru's movement. When he caught the unabashed look of affection, he flushed a little. In the past, he might have assumed Makoto was getting too much sun. It was kind of embarrassing, looking back now.

Haru took a deep breath, submerging himself completely once more. He knew something was still coming. And it still made him a little uneasy. But he knew Makoto wasn't about to spring it on him here. So he was going to just enjoy this moment.

And a second later, Makoto flipped under too, leisurely making his rounds of the pool alongside him.

…

They remained in the water for a long time. Until the teacher presiding over that weekend review section set her pupils free for the afternoon and was drawn by the sound of splashing. Makoto was quick to apologize and smooth over her queries about whether they'd gotten permission to use the pool… skillfully shifting in front of Haru to block his glower from her line of sight.

He'd glanced back longingly up on the deck while Makoto gathered up their clothing. (The teacher had moved on once she was satisfied that they were indeed getting out.) But Makoto caught his arm when he started in that direction and just shook his head. Haru sighed… but accepted defeat.

They started home at the same leisurely pace. Makoto offered his hand once they were past the school gates, as was becoming their new routine, but Haru hesitated in taking it. In truth, he still hadn't warmed to this whole handholding thing… Makoto looked about ready to take his hand back—his face already starting to redden—when Haru reached forward and linked his arm through Makoto's instead. His boyfriend spared him a quick glance but adapted easily.

It was a little awkward at first, walking like a couple in some old-time movie. They were closer than usual. He thought he heard actual giggles bubbling up from Makoto as he worked out the mechanics—either he was bumping into the other boy or accidentally tugging their arms apart—but Haru found he was unbothered by this reaction. He nudged Makoto a little harder on the next step, making them both stumble, just a bit. It coaxed a real laugh out of Makoto, and Haru smiled as he focused back in.

Ultimately, he found his footing. Their legs were brushing against each other as well, but neither one was leaning into the other too much to affect their movement. Like the cuddling, it was surprisingly comfortable. Made him question why he'd been such a stickler for personal space before—with Makoto anyway. Much better than holding hands.

But he didn't miss the way Makoto's smile settled and then began to fade entirely as they neared their homes. They headed straight for Haru's house, of course. It had been the designated hang-out long before they'd buckled down on their studying and needed the quiet of an otherwise empty house. It occurred to him now that—for another couple—a house where there were never parents home might hold other promises. He'd gotten a little better at being brutally honest with himself and what he wanted since this relationship began… And the thought that Makoto might want that next step made him groan internally.

Was that what had him so tense? Was he dreading Haru's reaction before asking for more?

Haru made no effort to hide his sigh. (He was sure Makoto could read it in his posture anyway.) They settled across from each other at the low living room table, as usual, but neither moved to set up any of their books. And even more unusual, Haru broke the silence first. "Are you mad at me?"

Makoto shook his head, but his eyes were sad and focused on the table between them. "No. I just... wanted to talk."

Haru let this next lapse go on as long as Makoto needed it to. Though it was unsettling that he was this reluctant to continue. It was all the proof he needed that whatever was coming was going to change everything.

"Haru, I… I've been wondering… what it is you want."

His brows furrowed. "What I want?"

Makoto finally raised his eyes from the table. There was a new firmness there. He'd found the strength to have this conversation. "This past week has been really nice. I think we've both been pushed out of our comfort zones a little, and I've learned a lot about myself…" Haru nodded emphatically. "And I almost don't want to do this while it's all still shiny and new and… distracting… But I'm afraid that if I keep putting it off, this'll fall apart, and I won't get a chance to say it at all."

"You're rambling," Haru cut in bluntly. He wanted to absorb the full weight of this conversation and was afraid of getting lost in all the padding if Makoto didn't get to the point soon.

"Yeah. I am." He laughed a little sheepishly. "Haru… why are we dating?"

Haru frowned. Somehow, Because Kisumi was being a jerk and I didn't like seeing you sad felt like the wrong answer. "Because it's what you wanted."

"Yes. …But is it what you wanted?"

Haru was quiet for a moment. He felt almost like they'd been transported back in time to that first afternoon in the entryway, when Makoto had asked him if he was gay, and all he could really do was shrug. But he had been doing a lot of thinking during the past week. He wanted to be more assertive about things this time around. "I wasn't sure at first. But it's what I want now."

Makoto deliberated on this with what was most certainly a grimace on his face. "I just… I don't want you to feel like you have to do anything for my sake."

"I want you to be happy," Haru answered.

This didn't appear to placate Makoto at all. "Yeah. That's exactly what I'm worried about."

"That's a bad thing?"

Makoto glanced away again, perhaps cowed by the intense way Haru was holding his gaze. "If you're only doing it to make me happy… It's not… how relationships are supposed to work."

"I don't care about supposed to," he answered, an edge creeping into his voice. "Is it not enough for you?"

"I don't want to force you to be something you're not for my sake." However downcast he still looked, this answer was immediate. "I want you to be happy too."

"I am happy." It was Haru's turn to take a quiet moment to gather his thoughts. "I never really thought about dating before. It was something that other people did, and I didn't feel left out or anything. I didn't consider too hard that you might. This week has been different… But I've liked most of it."

Makoto worried his bottom lip between his teeth for a moment. Haru got the feeling this conversation wasn't going quite the way he'd expected… like he was encountering things he hadn't considered. Quietly, he worked through Haru's last question. "Is happiness not enough? Does there have to be love too?"

"I do love you." Makoto snapped to attention, his eyes wide. Haru wondered if it was mirrored on his own face. It was the first time he'd ever said it out loud, and a little thrill had gone through him. But he felt not even a sliver of desire to take it back. Makoto opened his mouth and let it fall shut again—twice—without a single word emerging. But Haru knew his intentions were a protest, so he reschooled his expression into something firm again. "Do you think I would lie to you?"

Makoto chuckled softly, fondly. "No. You're not that accommodating. And I also know you're too stubborn to do anything you really didn't like. That's what keeps tripping me up, when I think about this past week. I've been going around in circles, trying to figure out why you're doing all this."

"Because I want you to be happy," he repeated. "Because it makes me happy to see you happy. Because I really like being the person who makes you happy. I think that's love."

"Yes… It is." Was he imagining Makoto starting to relax? The fight seemed to be leaving him. At the very least, they were both settling into having the conversation they needed to have. And there was something missing from Makoto's response.

"But it's not the way you love me," Haru supplied. "…Does it have to be?"

"I don't know anymore." This sigh wasn't quite as sad as the last ones. "I used to think so. …Can I just ramble for a bit? I keep trying to organize my thoughts, and nothing is coming out the way I want it to."

Makoto laughed a little self-consciously, but Haru released an actual sigh of relief. "Yes, please." Anything to give his own mind a chance to relax.

"Good. Okay, so… I don't know what I was really expecting. I guess because we always spend so much time together anyway, I didn't think all that much would change. I didn't expect you to initiate… anything, to be honest. And I knew it was mostly for my sake, so I tried to just enjoy it at first… But the longer that went on, the more I started worrying you weren't enjoying it…"

Haru hadn't been planning to interject at all, but now he spoke up, "I don't like holding your hand… And the kissing is only okay as long as it's… short. But I like that we're closer now. I'm pretty sure I won't ever sleep with you. But I'd be happy sleeping beside you."

"Yeah, that's about all I could picture with us," Makoto agreed. But he didn't sound disappointed.

Haru frowned. "I keep trying to find… rules or something. Some way to clearly define how this is supposed to work. …For some reason, I've got Rin's voice in my head, saying that not wanting to do the physical stuff… not loving you in that way… means it's not real."

A smile quirked at Makoto's lips. "I've got Rei in mine, talking about percentages and balance."

Haru cocked his head to the side, not comprehending.

"The way it happens in love stories, and the way people always talk about love, it should even out, right? Two people meet in the middle because they love each other the same amount. I'm not sure how that love can be measured when one side on that scale is romantic and the other is—mostly?—platonic. It feels like, even if we were perfectly 50-50, those two halves shouldn't be able to touch."

"But they have," Haru cut in stubbornly.

"Yes," Makoto agreed. "I think so too. Which is why… whenever I try to follow that line of reasoning… it's always immediately followed up by reminding myself that that's not usually how it works out in real life anyway. It's an awful truth, but almost always… one side is more invested in the relationship than the other."

Haru sat back, tipping his eyes to the ceiling with a grimace. "I'm tired of shoulds and supposed tos. Don't we get to decide what's good enough?"

Makoto took a deep breath. "Here's what I know: When we started dating for real, it should've felt wrong. Like it didn't live up to my expectations or whatever. But it didn't. I've felt a lot of things this past week, but not disappointment. Over the years, I've definitely had some fantasies about a storybook relationship between the two of us. But I had a more realistic idea of what it would actually be like too. I fell in love with you, Haru. And I accept everything that means. I'm sure there are some things that don't live up to your expectations either. You're right. We should get to decide what makes us happy. And if I can spend the rest of my days beside you like this, I'll be happy."

"I want to keep trying to find that middle ground where we can," Haru persisted. "I'm not opposed to all of it."

"I appreciate that. And… I guess I don't have to tell you not to feel pressured to do anything you don't want to. I'm not about to push you into any of the sex stuff."

Haru scrutinized him directly for a moment. Even once it became clear they were 'coming clean' here, he hadn't really expected this to be one of the things Makoto would want to discuss openly. Not yet anyway. But as long as they were here… "It really doesn't bother you? That I don't want to have sex with you? I'm talking never, Makoto. I guess I don't know about all the touching yet… But the kissing was kinda gross. I can't imagine enjoying anything more… intimate than that."

He expected a blush to steadily creep over Makoto's face. Maybe some incoherent, spluttering responses. But laughter bubbled up from him instead, emerging as a string of chuckles. "Believe it or not… I do have a working hand, Haru-chan. Two of them, in fact."

And Haru found he was the one blushing. He didn't want to think about Makoto… masturbating. Ugh. His own response was nothing more than a mumbled, "Enough with the chan already."

All was silence and stillness between them for a moment. And then they both burst out laughing. Their heads bent together over the table until they touched, resting there, Haru's bangs tickling the bridge of Makoto's nose.

"Okay," he said at last. "I guess… we have our answer."

Haru smiled. "It comes down to happiness, Makoto. And that's different for everyone. I'm not sure I'm in love with you. But I love you. And I'm happiest when I spend time with you."

"I second that last part. And that's enough for me."

…

Later, when they'd moved to the couch and were collapsed into each other, feeling almost melded together… Makoto murmured, sounding like he hated to even bring it up again, "You know… If we do go through with this… living together, letting everyone know we're dating… You're gonna have to justify it to everyone we talk to. You know, really talk to… about how we are…"

He was fumbling for words, but Haru got the gist. Haru fixed him with a look that was almost petulant. "No one gets to tell me who I love."

Makoto smiled. It felt a little like he was trying to press himself even further up against Haru. "And no one gets to tell me what is or isn't enough."

…

Even later on than that… When the sun was just setting and they still hadn't moved from the couch to take out their books… Makoto had fallen asleep. Haru made no move to wake him, choosing instead to watch him, head resting on the taller boy's shoulder.

The serious conversation had finally come to a real end, and they'd gone on talking about nothing in particular. It was weird. After so many years spent side by side, day after day, he wouldn't have thought they had anything left to talk about. But the mindless conversation came easily.

He watched Makoto sleep, thinking he could get used to this. Thinking about how one conversation, one moment could change everything. And how those changes didn't scare him so much anymore. He had the rest of his life to stare at Makoto's features. And eventually… watch those familiar features shift with age, the same way they'd shifted out of childhood.

He found… he was actually excited for whatever would come next.

Review please!

I don't own Free!

And so we've reached the end… Thoughts? I knew from the start that this was always going to sort of be the story before the story, so I do wonder if it seems anticlimactic for the readers. I suppose the rest of the story just isn't something that I felt I really needed to write. They'll continue to have smaller moments, of course, working out specifics and boundaries, but the issues I really wanted to tackle for this story were the questions of love and happiness and unconventional relationships being of equal worth, so long as both/all parties involved are on the same page.