Title: Needing Is One Thing But Getting's Another
Author: Donnie
Fandom: Kingdom Hearts
Setting: The Grey Area
Pairing: Saïx/Demyx
Characters: Saïx, Demyx, Xaldin, Xigbar
Genre: Romance/Spiritual
Rating: T
Chapters: 1/1
Word Count: 1396
Type of Work: One-Shot
Status: Complete
Warnings: Gay, Slash, Yaoi, Existential Crisis, Contemplation of Existence/Nobodies, Fluff
Disclaimer: I don't own anything.
Summary: Saïx and Demyx can't sleep, and rather than face the true problem, Saïx decides a change of music might be the answer.
AN: So, I needed to get out some feelings again, and I guess these two are good for that. I really have been thinking too much lately, so I needed to get out some stuff pertaining to my own reality. Or, rather, theirs, I suppose. I hope you guys enjoy it!
Needing Is One Thing But Getting's Another ~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
It was the sixth overdrawn sigh that finally had Saïx looking away from the window. The Grey Area was mostly unpopulated this late at night, save for himself and Demyx. The fact that the slow melody being plucked from his sitar kept getting interrupted was disturbing his thoughts.
"Are you alright?" His monotonous tone drew Demyx from staring at the strings he didn't really need to look at, and he glanced behind him.
"Huh?" Oh, how eloquent of him. After a moment, Demyx smiled slightly, but it didn't quite meet his eyes like it usually did. "I… I don't know. I mean, I should be. It's not like it's a big deal or anything, but I feel…" Trailing off, he bit his lip for a moment before finally sighing again. "Do you really think we don't have hearts? Like, at all?"
Saïx blinked a couple of times, slowly, just watching the way that Demyx sat with his feet up on the table, tenting his knees to accommodate his sitar better. The music didn't really change, but it seemed lazier, like a second thought instead of his main focus. Somehow, the thought struck Saïx that Demyx probably couldn't actually sit still, he always had to be doing something. If he wasn't idly plucking away at his sitar, he was tapping a tune on his hip, humming, doing something to add to the white noise most rooms held in their quietest of moments. Demyx added to the conversation without even speaking, and it was such a background element to being around him that it never seemed to strike him until now.
"We have the same anatomy as our Somebodies did, so I have no doubt that we have a heart." Saïx tried, though he knew that that wasn't what Demyx needed to hear. Or, maybe, what he wanted to hear. "But I do not think we have… Heart, no. What people consider to be attributes of 'heart' are things we only have echoes of memories of. Why? Is it troubling to you?"
As if 'no' would be the answer. Demyx looked like he was about to bolt, sitar be damned, but he managed to stay glued to his seat, instead simply adjusting himself to lean forward into his instrument.
"I guess you could say that yeah. I think I feel a lot." There was no way that they were just husks, they were special. If they weren't, they'd all be Dusks, wouldn't they? Even the other lesser Nobodies couldn't reach their stature, and he had put too much thought into the fact that they had to have a purpose behind being there. Nonexistence or existence, they were there, and that had to say something about them, more than just their Somebodies having more heart than most people before they were turned into Heartless.
"So do several of us, but I assure you…" Saïx began, though the kicked puppy look Demyx shot him told him that, perhaps, he should think better of his next words. "Would it trouble you more to think that we're truly devoid of heart?"
"Xaldin's always pissed about something, or maybe nothing," Demyx began, seemingly derailing the conversation and making Saïx cross his arms, "And Xigbar says that's how he remembers Dilan being, too."
"It would lend that if it were such a striking personality trait of Dilan's, that Xaldin would cling to it as a structure for his own personality." Came the droning response, as Saïx finally crossed the room, sitting in the chair across from Demyx. His spine settled into the pseudo-softness of the cushions and he let out a soft, pleased sigh. "We can be seen as an exaggeration, perhaps, of who we used to be."
"An exaggeration? Man, that's not what I…" But he trailed off again, staring at his knees as the tune he'd been lazily playing picked up with his anxiety. Saïx wondered absently if Dyme had been an anxious person, as well, or if that was a trait he picked up while he was wasting time. It was no secret that he was a slacker, only falling in line when he was threatened with less existence than he was offered at the present.
"That is not what you… What?" Saïx asked, finally, having watched him in silence for a few moments longer than he probably should have. Social cues fell to the wayside with him, and the firm frown on those usually smiling lips told him he probably shouldn't have pressed it.
"It's not what I need to hear." Demyx spoke slowly, as if afraid of jumping the gun with quick speech, "I dunno man, I just… I swear, we feel things. The more time we're here, the more I think that it's real."
"Existence is-"
"But what do we really know about existence?" Saïx was honestly surprised that Demyx didn't take his hands off the sitar to gesticulate wildly at him, "That we don't exist, but we can affect things?" Demyx scowled into his knees, and the music cut off abruptly. "That's… That's not right."
Saïx went still and quiet, regarding the bristled form of the other Nobody with golden eyes, considering his words. They did, in fact, affect a lot of things, from other people's lives to each other. But what they were told, what the core existence of a Nobody was in a scientific aspect, didn't line up. Xemnas himself didn't seem keen on changing the definition, either, when he simply followed along with what was said. His silence seemed to spur on Demyx's words, however, and the music chimed back in as a slow and steady backdrop to them.
"Sorry, man. I just… Guess I've had a lot of time to think, lately."
"Perhaps it is all of the work you are pushing onto Roxas instead of actually doing yourself." Came the easy reply, nothing accusatory in his tone. Demyx shrugged with a decently sheepish grin and Saïx shrugged vacantly in reply. "Everyone reports to me when they finish their work and I have noticed you have not been doing your share."
"But you didn't report it." Otherwise, he'd probably be a Dusk by now.
"No. I did not see the point in it, seeing as the work was done regardless." With only the creak of leather and the slight jingling of chains to alert Demyx to movement, Saïx rose from his spot on the chair and skirted the table. Falling into place beside Demyx, he closed his eyes and tapped his own knee twice before leaning his head on Demyx's shoulder. Turning golden eyes up to his face when the other Nobody regarded him, he simply asked something Demyx felt was totally out of left field, "Do you know any lullabies?"
"What?" Caught off guard, he turned slightly to look at Saïx a little better, "Lullabies?"
"It's late, but neither of us seems capable of sleeping." That had to be the reason that Demyx was still awake, right? He couldn't sleep. It was the same reason Saïx was there that late. He didn't expect anyone to report back from a mission at this time. "Perhaps lullabies will help. I've heard that they work for others."
"Oh." Yeah, that made sense. Demyx's fingers danced over the strings of the sitar, changing their tune entirely as he picked up 'Twinkle Twinkle Little Star'. After a moment, he added his voice to the melody, and Saïx closed his eyes.
On some level, the change from indignance to compliance was probably abnormal, Demyx reasoned somewhere in the back of his mind. But, when given an order, or even a request from someone he considered to be a friend, he didn't see any reason to deny him. Music was his life, in some sense, so he was sure that he would enjoy playing it regardless. The little snores he heard on the four set of 'How I wonder what you are's only brought a smile to his lips. Maybe this was what he'd needed all along.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~ AN:
Also, I really like how this fic came out. It's somewhat vent-y, I suppose, something I guess I didn't know I needed in order to process some stuff. I'm actually proud of how it came out, so I hope you guys enjoyed it, too!