Now I've been kinda feeling down lately. My girlfriend and I broke up, and because of that, I'm just really sad and stuff. So I thought I'd write a one-chapter fic that expresses how I've been feeling.
Trigger warning for suicide, self harm, character death, etc.
-
January 4, 2020. 5:23 p.m.
I am exceptionally good at hiding my feelings. In fact, I'm so good at it that it becomes natural, to the point where I myself can't even tell that I'm hiding the writhing, twisting darkness coiled around my heart beneath my porcelain-pale skin.
How did I do it? Well, six months spent practicing a "natural" smile in front of a mirror oughta build some skill at it. Hell, I even know how to make my eyes crinkle at the edges when I smile and laugh like they do for people who aren't faking it, thus making it look even more real.
And it worked well. Not a single damn soul at Fairy Tail had even the faintest inkling that something was wrong with me. That I was secretly envisioning all the ways I could die within the next five minutes, and trying to stop myself from wishing one of them would come true within the next five seconds. Not even my closest friends could see beneath my cold, calm exterior. They all thought I was fine. They all thought I was happy and generally doing well.
And maybe I was. Maybe these feelings of self-deprecation were all in my head. Maybe I was just going insane, and had somehow convinced myself I had a bad life. And maybe I was just doing it all for attention.
But if it was all in my head, how come the never-ending darkness and desperation continued to churn in my chest? How come these feelings never went away? And how come I didn't want anyone to know about my true feelings if I was really looking for attention?
Convincing others that you're fine is easy. Convincing yourself that you're fine is slightly more difficult. Convincing yourself that you're broken is perhaps the hardest thing you'll ever have to do.
Nobody wants to think that something might be wrong with them. Nobody asks to feel mentally fucked up.
I know I didn't. I would much rather lead a happy life. The life I was pretending to have.
-
January 12, 2020. 3:13 a.m.
Do you ever just... Lay there, staring silently up at the sky or the ceiling, and wonder what it's like to die? Because I have. All the time. Sometimes I'll just flop down in bed and think about what that inky blackness of death must feel like with my eyes turned upward, seeing without seeing. I also wonder what the mindset is of a person who knows they're going to die. Denial, perhaps? Or raw, solemn acceptance. Perhaps the welcoming of the end of days. Or sheer terror at what's about to happen.
Does dying hurt? Or do you just quietly and quickly fade away into nothing? Is there an afterlife? What sort of proof do we have that ghosts don't exist?
Yeah, come to think of it, I've contemplated death a lot and I've reached absolutely no conclusions whatsoever. The reason for that is simple. I won't know what dying feels like until I've died.
So I guess I'll just make another line of blood on my wrist and pretend I know what's on the other side. Pretend I know there's a light at the end of that tunnel.
Oh, that's another strange thing I've noticed about me. I fell into the dangerous habit of cutting recently. And to all of you who think cutting is for attention, you'd better get it through your thick skull that you are wrong. I don't do it for attention. There are a couple reasons I do it.
Some days, I cut just so I can feel something, so I can escape that horrible emptiness that creeps up on me sometimes.
Other days, I cut simply because the sight of blood and the stinging pain calms me down, comforts me even.
And the remaining days, I do it as I cry my eyes out, and I do it because I hate myself and I know I deserve the pain. In fact, I deserve so much worse than such a mild punishment. And those are the days I hate most, but they still happen.
I started having to wear hoodies and other long-sleeved shirts just to conceal the oftentimes deep, long cuts running all along my arms, all the way up to my shoulder in some cases. I also did it to cover up the pale white scars from precious cutting sessions. Before long, I started cutting my legs and stomach, so I had to wear long, baggy pants too, trying to cover up the nasty red lines slashed across my body.
There have been days when I've had to stay home and avoid the guild because I got a little carried away with my little pocket knife and ended up cutting way too deep, to the point where I knew I couldn't fake a smile if I went out in public because it hurt too bad, and because I was worried about the bleeding.
I guess you could say I abuse myself heavily, but not a single damn soul cares enough to stop me.
And the thoughts about death have been getting more and more frequent. I find myself pondering it more and more often, and my questions about it have been getting deeper, darker, more intense and morbid.
I'm not sure if I should be worried or immensely pleased with myself.
I guess I'm both.
-
January 19, 2020. 8:30 p.m.
Today was an interesting day at the guild...
We decided to go outside and play ultimate frisbee during the afternoon, and my team won by two points. The score was 5-3. Natsu was the captain of the opposing team, and he took the loss like a champ. Overall, everyone had really good sportsmanship and I must admit, I had some fun. It was amusing, scrambling after a flying disc for an hour or two, possibly three.
I keep wondering if perhaps the smile I had on my face was a rare genuine smile, rather than my usual fake one.
I mean, I really did have fun, so I guess I'll believe it was real for the time being.
Every day's getting more bleak, despite fun moments like this afternoon. It's like all the color is slowly bleeding out of the world so I look at a tree and I see exactly that: another boring old tree, instead of the chocolate-colored bark and the shimmering emerald leaves that cast scattered patterns of filtered sunlight on the grass beneath.
I originally thought I was going colorblind, but then I realized I can see colors just fine. But the colors have lost meaning. That's the problem.
Which brings me to a question I've been thinking about for the past fifteen minutes or so: what do the different colors mean exactly?
I think yellow means joy. Green means envy. Blue means sadness. White means purity. Black means evil. Gray means enigmatic. Red means fire. The others, I'm still trying to figure out. Besides, I might be wrong about the ones I listed.
Natsu's a better person to ask about that kinda thing. He's smart and very bright and bubbly. Just by looking at him and his spunky pink hair that reflects his wild personality, you can tell he was born colorful. I guess that's what I admire about him. He always has hope that there's a better day coming tomorrow, or the day after if tomorrow lets him down.
I envy that skill, because right now I'm wishing tomorrow didn't exist so this pain would go away.
My wrists are bleeding so badly it might bleed through the bandages and through my sweatshirt, so I should probably stop writing before I get blood on these pages...
-
January 26, 2020. 7:29 a.m.
I think Natsu knows about the cuts now. Today we were sparring like Gramps asked us to, and I don't really remember what happened but he pinned me, winning the fight, and noticed a little bloody splotch poking out from the cuff of my sleeve, on my wrist. It was terrifying, mostly because his eyes widened a little like he knew exactly what was going on. He asked me to roll up my sleeve, and I made up some lame excuse for having a bloody nose earlier as I pushed him off and walked away as fast as I could.
My heart's still racing.
He really is a smart kid, despite the fact he and I don't exactly get along well, so if he somehow put two and two together, he might tell everyone that I'm cutting. And that'll make everything worse because I don't want their pity.
If I keep pretending to be happy for just a little longer, maybe I'll wake up tomorrow and actually feel happy inside.
And if they start pitying me and trying to "comfort" me, it'll bring everything crashing down until all I'll be able to think about is the fact that something is wrong with me, I am sad, I am depressed, I'm insane, on and on...
In order for me to eventually become truly happy, I need everyone to just believe that I am for the time being, even when I really know I am the furthest thing from happy right now.
What if Natsu knows?
I can't get that question out of my head, and it's not a question that I can take pleasure in contemplating for hours on end like I do with every other question. This one is bad, because there's a chance I won't like the answer. There's a chance the answer could ruin my life forever. And that's not something I want to contemplate right now.
My life is already fucked up enough as it is, no need to make it worse.
But what if Natsu knows and he's deciding not to say anything? Does that mean he understands? Or does it mean he just doesn't care?
Now I'm not sure which one would hurt more: if he knew and told everyone, or if he knew and didn't say a word because he actually doesn't care about me, and is only pretending to be my friend because I try to hang out with him as often as possible and he doesn't want to hurt my feelings.
I guess the first would hurt worse because I know he doesn't care much for me already as it is. He always speaks to me with spite and attitude in his voice, with malice and almost hatred glowing in his eyes. He loves to pick fights with me too. So him telling everyone what I am doing to myself would hurt worse, because it added insult to injury.
-
February 2, 2020. 4:29 p.m.
I'm really worried because my questions about death have begun to morph into questions about suicide and whether or not suicide was good for me. The answer is obviously yes to the latter, but I still allow myself to think about it at times like this, late at night, when I can't sleep.
I wonder what Erza and Mira would think of these thoughts? I think they'd shake their pretty heads and click their tongues disapprovingly, and tell me that I wasn't allowed to kill myself.
They're both motherly figures in my my life, Ezra's the more prominent one.
Lucy's a bit of a gray area... And no, that isn't a pun on my own name. She doesn't seem to be interested in mother-henning me, she seems more interested in ignoring my existence and freaking out whenever I do something she considers out of line. So I couldn't care less what she thinks of me seeing as she doesn't care what I think of her.
And then there's Natsu.
I'm not sure what I should think about him. I really and truly thought he hated me, but it turns out we just have a weird sort of friendship-rivalry thing going on, and he's actually really fond of me. I don't know if that means he would approve of me ending my life... Or cry over my dead body and actually miss me once I was gone.
I also have the sneaking suspicion that he might be gay for me after I fell asleep on his shoulder completely on accident and woke up with my head in his lap and his fingers running through my hair. It was strange... But pleasant, because usually the only time he touched me was to punch me. In the face. Hard.
I don't know if I reciprocate said gay feelings. I've never really been one to think about romance and love and finding a significant other. I've never had one, and I didn't think I wanted one. I had never fallen in love, and that didn't really bother me. Erza once told me I might be either asexual or demisexual, but if that's true, why do I long for physical affection yet never allow myself to receive it?
I'm not completely against dating a fellow guy, but I'm also not against dating girls, like most other guys are Fairy Tail do. Does that make me bisexual?
I dunno.
There are a lot of questions I may never have answers to.
-
February 9th, 2020. 5:37 p.m.
I've been thinking, and I now know how I would end my life if I had a choice. I would hurl myself in front of a moving car at just the right time so it would look like a careless accident. I would do it when everyone was watching so that they would all realize what was happening at the same time.
Everyone would see that I'm not the happy ice mage I pretend to be. Everyone would see that I'm not okay, but they were all too blind and too late to stop me, to save me from my own self-hate.
I guess I am an attention seeker, then. When I die, I want everyone to see it happen.
Why am I thinking about killing myself? What's wrong with me? I'm depressed, I know that for a fact, but I'm not that depressed. I guess I'm just overthinking things... Again. Contemplating questions too big for my small brain to handle. It's ridiculous.
Today, I felt even worse than usual. I didn't sleep at all last night, just like the night before, and every night before that for the past week. I'm a little worried. Usually I get at least three hours of sleep. And when it's that minimal, it's because guild work kept me up the majority of the night. I'm fairly good at falling asleep.
Plus, my anxiety has been spiking over the stupidest things. This morning, Juvia touched my shoulder to get my attention and it startled me, but then I started hyperventilating and couldn't breathe and was sweating all over so I had to hurry off to an empty corner before anyone saw me. I think it was a panic attack, but I wouldn't know because I don't think I've had one before.
I do wish I knew what was wrong with me, but nobody seems to care enough to help me find out.
Of course some of that is credited to the fact I don't tell anyone. They wouldn't think much of it anyway. But even looking in the mirror, practicing until my face hurts, I can't make my eyes sparkle when I smile anymore. They're too dull, too empty. I feel like someone should notice. After all, I talk to a lot of people throughout my day, and they always look me in the eye. They're all just blind. Or maybe they don't care?
I'm pretty sure it's the latter. Nobody ever texts me anymore to ask how I'm doing. I'm always the one to text first, and ask if they're doing okay. It's like I'm on the Titanic after it crashed into the ice, and I'm the only one aware that it's sinking, but nobody can hear me screaming.
I'm an ice mage, so I've never truly felt warm before. I wonder what warmth feels like. But who cares? I was born to be cold, isolated, like an iceberg in the middle of a frozen sea.
If that's how I was meant to be, than I guess that's all I can be. I stand alone.
-
February 16th, 2020. 9:01 p.m.
I'm getting tired of this. Not being able to sleep, I mean. Now I can't eat either. My appetite is always dead, and when I try to eat anyway, I throw it back up. My stomach always hurts and I know I'm losing weight. It gives me even more reason to wear baggy clothes all the time, now I have to hide a hollow stomach and blatantly protruding ribs along with the deep cuts and long white scars.
Natsu definitely knows, he keeps poking my arm just so he can ask what happened to my stripping habit. I used to take my shirt off all the time when I had nothing to hide. And he didn't care at all, except for when he called me a "pervert" or a "male stripper". But now that the habit disappeared, he definitely sees it.
I guess that means he kinda cares. I just tell him that I took his nasty comments about being a stripper to heart and decided to end the habit. He doesn't believe it, but he chooses to nod his head and walk away anyway, like he does.
So in that sense he doesn't care.
Why am I so upset that he doesn't fucking care?? It's not a big deal! Nobody else cares so why should I be upset that one single damn person doesn't? Why does it affect me??? Why am I so angry all of a sudden?????
Ahhhhh, I just wanna fucking kill myself sometimes.
-
February 23rd, 2020. 1:15 a.m.
I'm done. I'm seriously just fucking done. I still can't eat except small snacks here and there. I'm lucky if I manage two hours of sleep every night. And I'm so skinny and pale that by now, everyone's noticed. They're always throwing me weird looks, all of them.
And it makes me want to hide under the thickest, fluffiest blanket I own until their hungry eyes turn away. Sometimes I feel like they all want me dead. Whenever I see them talking in hushed voices I can't help but wonder if they're talking about me, spreading false rumors, calling me names, laughing at me... Saying things they would never say to my face because they know it would completely break me and they'd rather watch me die slowly.
I just want to die.
Nobody loves me, nobody cares about me. Even when I'm standing in the room, they seem to have forgotten I exist. They always forget about me. I might as well just not exist at all. I wish I hadn't been born. My birth was clearly a mistake.
I feel like I was born in the wrong time, the wrong place, and the wrong life. I wasn't supposed to be like this. I wasn't supposed to have all these things wrong with me.
I feel very forsaken by even my closest friends. Erza kinda shuns me sometimes too. And she used to be like a sister to me, so that hurts a lot.
This world is just not my place.
I don't belong anywhere, I don't fit in anywhere. I know I was supposed to be born into someone else's body because then I wouldn't feel this way. Then maybe I could be happy forever. Then maybe I could stop faking every small smile that creeps onto my face.
And than there's Natsu.
I'm not sure what he thinks of me. He isn't like the others. He doesn't laugh at me behind my back. He doesn't pretend to care. He actually does care. But I can't gauge how much, I know he doesn't care a lot. I'm not sure. But he never really acts on how much he cares. It's obvious he's really worried, I see the concerned glances he throws my way when he thinks I'm not looking. But he's too afraid to speak up about it or do something to help.
Coward.
I just wish I didn't have to deal with this all alone. The one person who actually cares isn't enough to bring my will to live back because he won't fucking help me.
So that leaves me sitting here in bed, with my old notebook in hand, still writing a journal entry every seven days like I always do. I'm crying, I'm not sure why. The sobbing physically hurts me because I'm so hollow inside from lack of food and sleep. Maybe I was just born to die.
Someone please help me.
-
...
I was right, this world just isn't my place.
So I'm going to leave it.
Whoever you are, whoever's reading this right now, please don't blame yourself or feel guilty or anything. In fact, don't even bother crying at my funeral. I'm not worth the precious energy it takes to cry. So please don't.
I have a few final things to say, so I figured I'd write them down because I know someone would find this note after I jump out in the road in front of a speeding car, so... I guess, let's get to it.
To Erza: Hey, big sister. I'm really sorry it had to end like this, and I'm really sorry for being such a terrible little brother. I'm sorry for all the times I talked back or argued with Natsu when you told me not to. I'm really sorry for all the trouble I got myself into that you had to pull me out of when we were younger. And lastly I'm really sorry I did this. You've been such a positive influence on my life and I thank you for that. Thank you for correcting me when I was in the wrong (even though I never liked it when you did), thank you for watching over me and taking care of me even when I pushed you away.
To Lucy: I'm not really sure what to say to you, I didn't really know you that well. Sure, we were friends and we were on the same team, but you never seemed interested in getting to know me. All I'll say is that you were nice to me, and I appreciate that. Thanks for being kind and helping us out on jobs. And thanks for being a part of our team. Keep up the good work, tell all your celestial spirits I said goodbye.
And last but not least...
To Natsu: Thank you so much for caring. I cannot thank you enough for noticing something was wrong with me. I know you care, I see every concerned look you give me. You're the only person who actually gave a shit when I started cutting, when I stopped sleeping and eating, when I started thinking about killing myself. And there are several things I feel the need to thank you for, that I simply cannot leave this world without saying. Thank you for fighting me, for sparring with me. It pushed me to my limits and taught me to never give up, and to hold my head high even after being beaten. Thank you for sticking by my side and encouraging me when I felt like giving up. Thank you for reminding me who I am to you, to the team, and as a Fairy Tail wizard. I always wondered if you were gay for me, but I'm not gonna make assumptions and just say thank you for showing me some degree of affection, whether it was romantic or friendly. I wish I could've stayed around longer to reciprocate it. I don't know what else to tell you, other than I'm sorry for doing this to you. I know you'll miss me, I know you'll cry over me even though I wish you wouldn't. And I know you'll never forget me.
...Natsu, your face is branded into my mind as I step out into the road to meet my end.
Thank you for everything. I bid you farewell.
Sincerely, Gray Fullbuster.
-
Natsu was shaking as he clenched the note in one hand, a pale white rose in the other. Silent tears traced their way down his face as he stared down at the tombstone.
Gray Fullbuster
2001-2020
It was Natsu's job to decide the message that would be engraved beneath Gray's name and life span. But he didn't feel up to the task. He didn't want to decide what would be on his best friend's tombstone. It just felt... Wrong.
Natsu had watched, eyes wide, mouth wide open in a scream, as Gray had deliberately stepped out into the road and a speeding white car had slammed into him, sending his body flying. By the time Natsu reached him, he was soaking in a pool of his own blood and his once beautiful blue eyes were staring sightlessly up at the sky he'd never see again, his lips slightly parted in a scream that would never come out.
Natsu knew right away that it was intentional, even before he found the suicide note in Gray's room sitting beside his journal.
Gray Fullbuster had killed himself.
And Natsu had read every single one of those pages in his journal. It was horrifying. You could see Gray's depression progressing and worsening through his writing, as it got darker and darker every seven days.
Natsu would never be the same again. He was completely overwhelmed by the grief and sorrow of losing his best friend... And secret crush. Natsu had never told anyone that he was gay, and he was too scared to confess his feelings to Gray. Now it was too late. He'd never get that chance back.
Natsu kicked at the ground and sighed, trying to staunch the flow of tears streaming down his face. "What did you have to go and kill yourself for, huh?" he asked the tombstone. "Was I not enough?"
The pinkette sighed again and slowly sat down, laying the rose down across the grass that would be where Gray was buried. It felt so final that it made him start crying all over again. This time he didn't try to stop himself. It hurt too much to deny himself the simple comfort of tears even though he knew he didn't deserve small comforts. He was too afraid to act when he saw the cuts on Gray's wrists.
"I know you asked me to not blame myself... But I can't help it. I should've said something. I was just so afraid, I didn't want to lose you as a friend and... Lose my chances with you." Natsu said, his voice choked as his shoulders heaved with sobs. "I'm sorry, Gray... So sorry..."
It was snowing. The heartbroken pinkette was vaguely aware that the little white flakes had started drifting from the gray clouds overhead only a moment ago, getting caught in his hair and making his tears glisten like diamonds. The weather conditions made his broken heart ache even worse.
Gray loved snow. He was an ice mage, of course he loved it. He always smiled the brightest when it snowed. And now, the precious white ice crystals were settling on his grave.
This is so fucked up...
Natsu reached out and laid his palm on the tombstone, trying to send all his love and affection from his skin down into the ground where the ice mage was buried.
"Gray, wake up..." he wasn't even aware that he was asking for the impossible. "Please wake up and be okay. Come back to me, please... I need you. I want you. I-I... I love you." Natsu hated that he was finally saying those three words to his crush's dead body. It was so wrong.
I was too slow and missed my shot. I'm sorry...
Several minutes later, Natsu had finally stopped crying. He was able to stand up and walk away from the tombstone. But turning his back on Gray's remains and walking away was the hardest thing he'd ever had to do.
As he slowly made his way back home, he knew exactly what he was gonna put on Gray's tombstone.
I'm always looking your way.