A man and woman stood on a green field beneath the setting sun, violins romantically playing and swelling in the background as John stared lovingly into Jane's eyes.
"Oh, Jane! I love you so!" he declared.
"Oh John!" Jane swooned as he held her close. "Do you really?"
"I do! I love you!" He exclaimed as he pulled her in closer.
She suddenly gasped. "John! I feel something hard pressing against me! It's sooooo big!"
John grinned proudly. "Indeed, my darling."
"Is that-?"
"Actually that's my ferret," Deadpool interrupted as he walked into the scene, the music cutting out to a screeching halt as he reached down into John's pants.
"What the- who are-WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!" John shouted, mortified by what was happening.
"Don't mind me, I'm just trying to get my ferret back. Mr. Squiggles? Mr. Squiggles? Come on, Mr. Squiggles, where are you?"
"WHY WOULD YOUR FERRET EVEN BE-" A lump started to form in the guy's crotch, then started to jiggle around, causing John to leap up into the air with a high-pitched and very unmanly scream. "WHAT THE F$(*?!"
"JOHN!" Jane gasped.
"Oh I'm sorry, but I have a man STICKING HIS HAND DOWN MY PANTS!"
From the inside of his pants, there came a chirp-like noise, drawing everyones' attention. Jane and John looked down, watching as a ferret's head poked up from the latter's boxers.
"Okay...What. The f#$%?" Jane muttered.
Pulling the ferret out, Deadpool tucked him into his shirt.
"There you are, little guy! I've been wondering what happened to you," Wade said as he petted its head. Looking back to John, the masked mercenary gave a sheepish grin. "Sorry about that, there's been a mix-up with our laundry, apparently. This little guy likes to nuzzle up in my shorts sometimes."
Jane looked at him in confusion. "Why would-"
"It's his fetish - nothing to worry about," Deadpool waved.
Before either confused parties could say a word, a cellphone went off. Taking out it from his pocket, Deadpool then started to check his messages.
"AHA! Seventeen favorites, baby! Let's see what the reviewers have to say."
ABOOK: "LOL Great chapter! This totally fits Deadpool!
From his interaction with Raiden (only Wade would be able to test a god's patience) and the fight between him and Bo Rai Cho was...unique.
All and all, I love the humor and they way Wade talks with the MK cast! Looking forward to seeing more!"
Deadpool here! Welcome to the party, my man! We have tacos, nachos and plenty of dip to go around! :)
Let's see who else has commented.
"Anonymous: "I love it! This is probably my favorite fan fiction ever."
AWW! I'm so happy that it is! :) Thank you, Anonymous - hope you enjoy what comes next!
And another review from our favorite Viomaat:
"Wade. My man."
My dude! :)
"Breaker of the Fourth Wall."
That's me. :)
"Killer of the the Marvel Universe."
That was by accident. Kinda. So was the second time.
"You aren't reviewing my stuff."
In my defense, I've never seen "Pitch Black". Evolution has and from what I gathered, it's really good. According to him, anyway.
"Don't try to guilt me about not bringing hoards of worshipful fans to review yours. Love you, Wade, but be the change you want to see in the world."
*Sigh* Fair enough, I guess.
"Also, Cthulhu and the Outer Gods Would Eat The Shit Out of Your Mere Mortal Combat Elder Gods."
(Evolution nods in agreement.)
"[and, okay, I can't say that I really understand the arcane, family drama madness that is the Lovecraftian pantheon. Or Donald Trump's role in it all. But I know it's HELLA CREEPY and I'd LIKE DEADPOOL TO DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT)."
I can try seeing if Dr. Strange would be interested in teaming up with this matter.
". . . Anyhoo. Why, oh why, do your metatextual gods want Deadpool to fight without pants? It's not like he's got Kevin Sorbo thighs."
OOH! Somebody's been looking at my thighs! You dog, you! ;)
(Deadpool starts doing all sorts of sexy poses in front of the screen.)
("Sexxxxxy mannn, sexy maaaann! Does anything a sex machine can!")
("WHAT HAVE YOU DONE, VIOMAAT?!")
Upon seeing the horrible sight on the screen, Spiderman clutched hold of his eyes, screaming as he tried to get the image out of his head.
"AAIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!"
In a section of Hell, Mephistopheles was searching the Internet.
"Hmmm, I wonder what new form of deviancy can be found on this site this time?" He said aloud, rubbing his hands deviously with a menacing smile. "Ooooh, what's this?"
Clicking on the story, the smile disappeared altogether as he stared at the screen, his eyes widening with horror.
As Deadpool continued to pose in various disturbingly erotic positions, Mephistopheles stared for several seconds, then turned away and violently hurled into a garbage can.
Somewhere, the administrators shivered.
"That's disgusting!"
( O_O )
("...….That's it, I'm out of here-")
("NO YOU DON'T, EVOLUTION!")
("Nope! I don't want to be here when the complaints start-")
("DING!")
("Oh no...")
("Too late! TROLOLOLOL! Continuing on!")
"It's not like he's got thighs that don't make me wanna ralph?"
Hey! I'll have you know I have GREAT thighs! I can break bricks with this ass! Who else can do that?!
(Evolution raises a brow as he tries dealing with the flood of administrator complaints.)
("Don't answer that, I was being rhetorical.")
To answer your question, I have no idea why Raiden didn't want me to put on pants. Maybe he liked my thighs, unlike, ahem, some people! Then again, he seemed awfully pushy. I wonder what's the deal with his red eyes.
"Like the Dinosaur."
Yeah, no idea who or what that's all about. ("Want to answer that, Evolution?")
("Glad to see somebody likes it. Diablo and Lord Deimos are Midway characters, the former from an awesome and old little gem called "Primal Rage", the latter from a game called "Mace: The Dark Age".)
("Okay, cool. Whatever.")
"Okay, are you on A03? because they allow copy/paste. Reviews are so much easier with copy/paste. I'm ratatosk there because I got there in time to claim an AWESOME name. grumble grumble lack of copy/paste."
Unfortunately this little grub doesn't have a profile on that site. (Deadpool glares at Evolution.)
"May Deadpool small ALL the walls."
Smell all the walls? Who goes around smelling walls?...Okay, you got me. Along with smashing walls, I do spend my time smelling walls, especially when dogs and hobos freshly urinate on them. It's a fetish, don't judge me!
And now back to our program.
"Deadpool: Armageddon, Or How I Fought Without Pants"
By Deadpool (with some help from the useless hack known as Evolution)
WARNING: To everyone not knowing what to expect, be warned - this isn't going to be your normal night of theater; this is going to be Shakespeare with a strap-on! You have been warned. PFFT ;P
Chapter Four: Mayhem
Deadpool playfully jaunted through the various corridors and dungeons, ignoring the locked up demons.
"You make my dreams come true!" he sang.
'Do you have any idea where you're going?' The voice in his head asked.
"Nope!" Deadpool answered. "Maybe I should ask somebody."
Looking to the occupied cell to his right, he approached. "Uh, excuse me, but do you know where-"
"GRAaaaaAAAGHGGGAHGH!" The demon snarled.
"Okay, thank you very much, Mr. Gurgle gurgle snarl gurgle splat. Is there anything else you want to add?"
"NNNGNGHGHAHAHAHHAAAAAAAAHGHAAAAARGHH!"
"Uh huh. Thought so. Okay bye." Deadpool then looked to the next cell. "How about you, bud-"
He stopped at the sight of the chained skeleton.
"Oh. Never mind."
Continuing on, he looked around at the various barred doors as various demons of all varieties stared back and snarled. One particular demon looked like a cadaver with knives for limbs, its decapitated head suspended by an apparatus made from flesh and steel. Crawling around on the ceiling and walls like a spider, the creature hissed.
Deadpool stared at it for a moment.
"...That's a little weird."
He then shrugged and moved on.
A little while later, Deadpool stopped as a horde of demons started charging toward him.
"Well, well, well, looks like I'm going to be having some action after all-"
He cut himself off as they all started to pass by him. It was then he realized the truth of the situation - they weren't charging toward him specifically. Not at all.
From the wide-eyed expressions on their faces, something scared the absolute hell out of them!
Even the really big ones were running, looking as if they absolutely terrified by whatever chased after them, completely ignoring Deadpool.
"I wonder what had gotten them so spooked?" Deadpool said aloud.
He then turned around, bracing himself for whatever horror awaited.
It was then he heard the noise.
Scraping, as if something heavy was being dragged.
Moments later, a man in green sci-fi armor with a grey helmet and visor carrying a shotgun in one hand came stumbling by, dragging a massive bag full of weaponry behind him.
"*Pant*Pant* Jesus Christ!" The man groaned as he tugged on the giant bag behind him. "Phew!"
"Looks like you have quite the load there, buddy!" Deadpool commented.
The man fumbled around, pointing the shotgun at him.
"Whoa! I'm human! I'm human!" Deadpool said as he raised up his hands in surrender.
The man stared at him, his eyes blinking through the visor. "...You are?"
"Yeah!"
Deadpool watched as the guy hesitated, then lowered the weapon.
"I'm Deadpool," the Merc with The Mouth introduced.
The man's brows furrowed.
"'Deadpool'?" He repeated.
"Yeah, long story." Deadpool shrugged. "What's your name?"
The guy in green shook his head.
"...I can't- I can't...remember." he replied. "I've-I've been down here for-for so long... I can't- I can't...even...remember my own...god...damn name. Fucking...demons. Kill them. Must...kill them. Rip...and...tear. Rip...and...tear!"
The last part was uttered in a low vicious snarl, his tired angry eyes possessing that thousand yard stare Deadpool knew so well, and yet, they burned with such a fierce determination. The guy's mind was so utterly broken that hardly anything of his former self remained.
"...Weeeelll," Deadpool said slowly, "...good luck with that."
The man in green cracked his knuckles. "Have you...seen a horde of demons come through here."
The Merc with The Mouth pointed down the hall behind him.
"Kill them," the man said determinedly, his hard eyes focused on the objective. "Must...kill them all! Rip and tear...for Daisy."
Noticing the slightly sad tone in his voice, before Wade even had a chance to ask, the man started wandering away, grunting loudly as he dragged his huge bag of weaponry behind him.
"...That is one scary-ass dude." Deadpool commented.
'No kidding!' The voice in his head replied.
'...Shouldn't we have asked him for a weapon?' The other voice asked.
Deadpool stood still for a moment, blankly staring down the hallway.
Demons turned their heads away from their meals as a voice echoed all across the NetherRealm.
"...FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCKKKKKKK!"
'...Feel better?'
Panting furiously, Deadpool then gave a nod. "...Yeah."
'We should get going and find this Shinnok guy-'
"I will, I will, but first, let me check the options menu." He said. Grabbing the scene, he pulled it aside. "NNNGH, THERE WE GO! Now let's see- WHOA!"
The dungeon background was replaced with closeup image of a guy with a cyborg eye.
'Oh look, a Terminator rip-off,' the voice in his head deadpanned.
'Screw that guy, LOOK AT THE BABE IN THE BACKGROUND - SHE'S HOT!'
The scene seemed to be set in some sort of subway, but Deadpool gasped as he saw the woman in the background. Blonde with blue eyes with a green combat jacket and pants, possessing very definable, ahem, "assets", both of which drew his immediate attention.
"...BABEH!" He then looked at the screen. "HEY, EVOLUTION! AS SOON AS WE'RE DONE HERE, I WANT YOU TO INTRODUCE ME TO HER! UNDERSTAND?!"
The screen tilted up and down in a nod.
"Good. Now that's settled, let's look at the menu. Hmm, let's see...isn't 'combat' spelled with a 'C'?"
'I don't know! Why are you asking me for?'
'It could be a stylistic thing.' The other voice suggested.
"Or maybe somebody at Midway doesn't know how to spell." Deadpool countered.
'It's not Midway anymore, it's NetherRealm Studios.'
Deadpool shrugged.
"Meh, whatever." he said as he scrutinized the menu. "Now, let's see...'Kombat'...'Konquest'...'Krypt'...OOH! OOH! 'MOTOR KOMBAT'?! I would LOVE to try that! Let's see, online...aha! 'Kreate A Fighter'! There we go now!...…..WHAT DO YOU MEAN I NEED TO PAY FOR PANTS?!"
Reaching into his boxers, he felt around.
"Where is it? Where is it?! Where did I put- ah! There it is!" Taking out a heap of cash, he held it to the screen. "I like to buy some pants, please!"
A white text scrolled above.
'WE DON'T TAKE CASH.'
Deadpool sighed. "Of course you don't."
Stuffing the dollar bills back in, he rummaged around again.
"Now where the hell is- aha! Got it!"
Pulling out a credit card, he held it up to the screen. "OKAY! How much?"
'WE DON'T TAKE CREDIT CARDS.' The white text scrolled.
"WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU DON'T TAKE CREDIT CARDS?!" Deadpool raged at the screen. "You don't take cash or credit cards. What do you want, a handjob?!"
'Well, looks like we'll have to roll up our sleeves again,' one of the voices drawled.
'At least we're not getting Capcom'd, Team Ninja'd or EA'd.'
'...Aren't we?'
"Touche, voice in my head." Deadpool said as he started rolling up a sleeve. "Okay, screen, how do you want it?"
'PLEASE STOP.' The white text swiftly wrote. 'YOU DON'T NEED CASH OR CREDIT CARDS - YOU NEED KOINS.'
Deadpool blinked.
"Oh," he said dumbly. "And how do I earn these 'koins'."
'BY PERFORMING COMBOS, PLAYING THROUGH THE ARCADE LADDER, MOTOR KOMBAT, AND SO ON.'
The Merc with The Mouth remained still for a moment, then tilted his head thoughtfully to the side.
"Huh. I'm okay with doing that, actually." He looked back to the screen. "RUN MONTAGE, EVOLUTION!"
Shao Kahn watched as a bigheaded cartoony version of Deadpool sucker-punched a bigheaded Johnny Cage.
"MINE NOW!" The mercenary exclaimed as he got into the driver's seat.
He watched as other similarly proportioned fighters drove throughout the various arenas, Deadpool squealing in delight.
"WHHHHHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!"
Letting out a tired sigh, he sat back in his throne as Motor Kombat began.
"Fuck it." The warlord said to himself.
A bigheaded Deadpool battled with a similarly proportioned Scorpion while a Tetris-styled puzzle played overhead.
"Fucking puzzles," Deadpool grumbled.
Standing in front of a temple, Deadpool flexed and stretched in front of a plank of wood.
"TEST YOUR MIGHT!" Shao Kahn called from out of nowhere, causing him to look around, shrugging nonchalantly.
Deadpool closed his eyes.
"Okayyyy, spamming all the buttons! Spamming all the buttonnnnnss!" he said to himself.
Shaolin monks blinked in confusion.
"What is he talking about?" One asked another sitting beside him.
The other monk merely shrugged. "Who knows."
Opening his eyes again, Deadpool let out a yell as he raised his hand in the air.
"HIIIIIYAAAAAAAH!" Chopping the plank in half, the mercenary let out a loud cheer. "HAHAHAHA! YES! WHO'S THE MAN?! WHO'S THE MAN?!"
"FLAWLESS VICTORY!"
After several wins, combos and successful races (followed by a slew of losses), Deadpool returned to the main menu.
"Okay, I'm back!" he announced with his arms outspread. "Now, let's see...Kreate A Fighter...ANNNNNND...….WHAT DO YOU MEAN I STILL DON'T HAVE ENOUGH MONEY FOR A PAIR OF FUCKING PANTS?!"
'YOU HAVEN'T PUT IN A MEMORY CARD TO PROPERLY SAVE YOUR PROGRESS.' The white text scrawled.
"ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!" Deadpool shouted. "Oh you can fuck right off!"
Turning around, the mercenary refrained from tearing off his mask, taking in a deep breath.
"Deep breaths, Wilson," he said to himself. "Deep breaths."
Letting out a sigh, he faced the screen again.
"Okay, so I can't buy pants yet. What can I buy?" Deadpool asked as he moved through the various sections. "Appearance, good. Strap on those dual katanas. Moves list. Style. Weapons- OOH! HELL YES! I'll take the dual katanas!"
'YOU ARE ONLY ALLOWED TO WIELD ONE.'
"WHAT?! BUT I HAVE TWO KATANAS!"
'YOU ARE ONLY ALLOWED ONE.'
"Eat my dick and die, computer!" Deadpool retorted, raising a katana angrily. "Let me use- HEY! What happened to my swords?!"
'WE'RE SORRY, BUT DUE TO TECHNICAL DIFFICULTIES ON THIS SYSTEM, WE ARE UNABLE TO ALLOW YOU TO USE KATANAS, SWORDS OR WEAPONS OF ANY KIND.' The words scrawled.
Deadpool stared dumbfounded. "Are you guys shitting me?!"
'AFRAID NOT.'
"You're just going to leave me defenseless?"
'ERROR - SYSTEM OVERHEATING. RESTARTING.'
"Oh god damnit. Screw this!"
Tearing the scene away, Deadpool returned back to the dungeon.
"Yep, back to this shithole." Looking down the corridor, he sighed. "Well, onward and upward, I guess. We should probably fast-forward a little bit."
Deadpool then took out a remote control. "ANNNNNNNNNNND...NOW!"
BRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAP!
Deadpool let out a strangled squawk as he kneeled in the corner with his boxers drawn down, his rear end partially concealed by a wall as he stared to the left at the ceiling.
"Ohh god, I should cut back on the tacos!" He then laughed lightly. "Nah, just kidding."
Sensing he was being watched, he suddenly looked to the screen.
"WHOOPS! My bad, guys! Let's just fast-forward."
WRITTEN AND DIRECTED BY DEADPOOL
STARRING DEADPOOL
"Shit, I went too far. Just bear with me, guys!" Deadpool said as he brought up the controller again.
CLICK.
Steve Rogers hummed quietly as he sat on the toilet, thumbing through the pages of the Daily Bugle.
BAM!
"What the-" Steve sputtered, jumping in his seat startled as the door was kicked in, holding the paper in front of him to conceal himself. "DEADPOOL?!"
"Oh for fuck's sake. Sorry! Sorry, Cap! I didn't mean to do this again!" Deadpool waved.
"Again?! What-"
"Don't worry, just let me fix this." Deadpool said as he brought up the remote control.
CLICK.
He looked around, then back at the controller, pressing the button several more times.
CLICK CLICK CLICK CLICK.
"WADE, DO YOU MIND?!" Steve demanded.
"Sorry, sorry! I think the battery just died." Deadpool waved as he smacked at the controller, muttering, "Fucking RadioShack. Come on, come on! Come on, work, dammit! Work, you piece of shit!"
CLICK.
He was now in a chamber with several open arches that showed the outside.
Looking through the open archways, Deadpool stared out to the pools of lava, the bodies on spikes and the vast river of blood.
"...You know," the Merc with The Mouth said thoughtfully to himself, "I think with the right curtains and wallpaper...maybe some petunias...this wouldn't be a bad spot to set up a summer home. Could use some windows. A bit too breezy for my tastes."
"I appreciate your candor," A dusky voice spoke from behind him, "although I have to take what you say with a grain of salt. After all, you are not exactly a man renowned for your taste in interior design, Mr. Wilson. Your choice of attire is also...questionable."
Turning around, Deadpool spotted the man addressing him.
Seated down comfortably on a horned throne was a tall, slenderly built man with grey decaying skin and pale eyes, wearing a long green robe with traces of red, white and gold, his most distinguishing feature being the ornate and slightly horned crimson hooded crown on the top of his head. Beside him stood Quan Chi along with Moloch and Drahmin.
"Nice hat," Deadpool said.
The man nodded, giving a slightly appreciative smile. "Thank you."
"You're Shinnok, I'm assuming?"
"I am." Shinnok leaned forward. "Now, what do I owe the... pleasure of your acquaintance?"
The way in which he uttered 'pleasure' made it sound as if he had just discovered a freshly-made dog turd.
Deadpool scratched his butt.
"Weelll, it's like this," he began. "I got here by accident and the giant dinosaur wandering around down here told me to come find you."
A series of confused looks were exchanged among the various demons.
"...Uh, sorry, did you say a 'dinosaur'?" Quan Chi blinked.
"What's dinosaur?" Moloch asked. "Can Moloch eat it?"
Shinnok was still on his throne, then nodded in understanding.
"Ahh, I see," he said, leaning back into his chair, his fingertips clasped together. "So, Diablo has awakened at long last. I have to admit, I had heard rumors of his existence down here for quite a while, but I had never been able to find him during all my time down here. Curious creature, that one." Shinnok then narrowed his eyes, giving Deadpool a pointed look, "What is your business with him?"
Deadpool shrugged.
"He just told me to come find you." he replied. "Maybe he thought I had a better chance going back to EarthRealm or whatever by asking you. I dunno. So...could you send me back?"
Shinnok was still, then shook his head. "No."
"Please? Please with a cherry on top?"
The fallen Elder God gave the mercenary an amused look.
"And why would I want to do that?" Shinnok queried.
"I can get you an even cooler hat up-top!" Deadpool replied. "One better than the one you have on right now! I have a discount where I get my suits done that sells some pretty nifty stuff! I need to get some pants anyway."
All traces of humor was dropped from the ashen face.
"You fool. I had once been an Elder God - I possessed power the likes of which you can scarcely imagine. Do you actually believe that a paltry hat of all things would be even remotely comparable?"
"...Does that you mean you don't want a new hat, then?"
"Yes."
"Oh, so you do want a new hat?"
Shinnok clenched his jaw. "No, I don't."
"Are you sure? Because I saw some pretty cool hats that would be-"
"I DON'T WANT A NEW HAT!" Shinnok snapped.
Deadpool raised his hands in a placating gesture. "Okay, okay! So you don't want a new hat. Do you want to get tacos?"
The Elder God pinched the bridge of his nose.
"Lords almighty, NO!"
"...Why not? Have you ever tried one?""
Shinnok gave him a withering stare.
"What part of 'Elder God' don't you understand?! I am immune to human weaknesses. I am free of mortal temptations."
Deadpool blinked.
"Are you, though?" he asked curiously. "I thought you guys were like the biggest partygoers out there or something. I mean, I heard stories that the thunder dude is a hardcore womanizer-"
"Do not mention Raiden here, mortal," Shinnok said in a dangerously low voice, his features darkening.
Deadpool waved. "My bad."
Shinnok narrowed his eyes.
"The fact that you mentioned the Thunder God in the first place is enough to make me want to kill you on the spot, mortal. My initial thoughts had been to induct you into the Brotherhood of Shadows, but quite frankly I am repulsed by you and your prattle." The Elder God then turned to his subordinates, waving dismissively to the mercenary. "Kill him."
Quan Chi summoned a yellowish green skull, crushing it in his hand. "With pleasure, Lord Shinnok."
Shadows stirred as Noob and Smoke appeared next to him.
Moloch and Drahmin laughed as the latter pounded his mace fist into the palm of his hand.
As the group approached, Wade got into a fighting stance.
"Well, looks like it is on-"
CRASH!
The group paused as a nearby wall exploded. Turning around, Deadpool's eyes widened as a familiar figure stepped through the debris, a gleeful smile forming beneath his mask.
"Ho...ly...CRAP! HEY! LORD DEIMOS, OLD BUDDY! IT'S ME, DEADPOOL!" he waved excitedly.
"You..." Lord Deimos growled in disapproval.
Quan Chi gulped as the red knight stomped forward with flaming flamberge sword in hand.
Shinnok sneered.
"And yet another fool that wants to be destroyed." The Elder God snidely commented as he turned his attention back to Deadpool. "You should count your blessings, Deadpool - you are still out-matched, but you can take comfort in knowing that you won't die alone. Kill them."
As Drahmin charged toward him, a spear suddenly protruded out from his chest, coating Deadpool in blood.
"What-?"
"GET OVER HERE!" An angry voice yelled.
The body was then yanked back violently off his feet, crashing into Noob and Quan Chi, causing Moloch to stagger backward.
Deadpool watched as the spear dragged the oni across the floor, pulling him to the spear's owner - a tall man with angry pale dead eyes dressed in yellow and black ninja apparel, his muscled arms exposed. Skull-like motifs appeared on different parts of his person, the dual ninja swords strapped to his back bearing some rather curious scorpion-like designs.
At the sight of this new arrival, Quan Chi took a hesitant step back. "Scorpion..."
Upon hearing his name, Scorpion flung the captured Drahmin out through the window, the oni screaming all the way down.
"Quan Chi." He spoke, his voice a double-layered, strangely ghostly quality, his fists tightening in rage. "You will BURN for what you did to my clan and family!"
"Your revenge will have to wait," Lord Deimos growled. "His head belongs to me!"
Scorpion narrowed his pale eyes.
"You dare get in the way of my vengeance?!" he challenged.
Lord Deimos tightened his grip on the sword's handle. "I don't need this competition."
Deadpool raised up his hands.
"Guys! Guys! Could we talk about this after we-"
"SHINNOK!" A loud voice roared, causing the throne room to quake.
As everyone struggled to regain their balance, Deadpool watched as the aforementioned Elder God unsteadily rose up from his seat, looking behind him as a large red saurian head filled the background, its grinning teeth sneering down.
"I'VE FOUND YOU AT LAST, IMPOSTER." Diablo grinned.
Standing up to his full height, Shinnok turned to face the creature directly.
"So that is why you sent Deadpool. You were tracking him by his scent in order to find me."
The dinosaur's smile grew.
"NOT BAD FOR A TINY SIMIAN." Diablo replied, his teeth glistening with saliva. "I WONDER HOW A SO-CALLED ELDER GOD'S FLESH WOULD COMPARE TO THE OTHER OFFERINGS I HAVE HAD."
Shinnok's hand tightened into a fist.
"You overstep your bounds, beast! Know your place!"
Giant skeleton hands reached up to grab the saurian, only to crumble.
"WHAT?!" Shinnok said in shock.
Diablo's sneer remained on its ugly reptilian face.
"YOUR ARROGANCE KNOWS NO BOUNDS, LITTLE GOD." He taunted. "FOR TOO LONG YOU HAVE LIVED UNDER THE DELUSION OF BEING THIS REALM'S TRUE RULER. ALLOW ME TO ENLIGHTEN YOU ON YOUR ERROR."
Shinnok levitated off the floor.
"I'll show you who's in error!" he snarled, flying out to face his bestial opponent.
As the two started to battle, Deadpool looked back to the others, then back to Lord Deimos, then to Scorpion.
"I don't suppose either of you have an extra weapon on you, let alone an extra pair of pants?"
"No." Both men answered at the same time.
"Oh." Deadpool cracked his fists, then rolled his shoulder. "So, how do you guys want to do this?"
"With their bodies and spilled blood at my feet." The red knight charged forward with a roar.
"And Quan Chi's head on a spike!" Scorpion yelled as he joined in the fray.
Deadpool shrugged. "Sounds good enough for me."
And so the battle began as Noob and Smoke charged toward the Merc with the Mouth while Lord Deimos and Scorpion charged for Quan Chi and Scorpion, the different parties clashing.
The tower rumbled a cacophony of noise as bodies tangled and threw flurries of punches and kicks with fighters breaking off from one opponent to attack another, a scene of pure chaos. Columns walls were destroyed as projectiles exploded into them.
Throwing a punch at Noob, Deadpool watched as the ninja sunk into the shadows.
"Okay, that is not fair!" Deadpool commented as he countered Smoke's attacks before ducking down to avoid a green skull thrown by Quan Chi, following it up with an uppercut that lifted the cyborg off his feet.
He blinked, then looked back to his fist.
"I don't think it's possible for an uppercut to lift someone up in the air like that."
'IS NOW REALLY THE BEST TIME TO THINK ABOUT IT?!' The voice in his head stated.
Deadpool shrugged. "Just saying!"
Meanwhile, outside, Shinnok encircled Diablo, dodging the mighty swings of Diablo's tail and his chomping jaws, firing streams of green energy blasts that struck the creature's hide and chest.
"Is that the best you can do?!" Shinnok taunted as he dodged a slow fireball before being struck by a faster hitting projectile that sent him spiralling into the ground.
Pushing himself with a grunt, the Elder God had no time to react as a massive foot stomped down on him. When it lifted up again, he tried picking himself up a second time, only to be flattened over and over by Diablo, the creature grinning with satisfaction. As the foot raised itself up again, Shinnok weakly pawed the ground, his form battered and bruised.
"Y-you-you will pay for this." He said with grit teeth. "I will carve my throne and palace from your flesh!"
Rising up again, Shinnok's eyes glowed green as he summoned up a forest of massive skeleton arms that grabbed and clawed at the Destructive Beast.
Letting out a roar, Diablo toppled over as he was pulled down, the world shaking as his body hit the ground.
Back at the throne room, the battle waged on.
Deadpool traded blows with Smoke and Noob, punching the former and round-housing the latter.
Looking to Lord Deimos, Deadpool observed the giant knight in action.
Ramming his spike shoulder into Moloch's chest before the creature even had a chance to react, Lord Deimos followed up with several vertical and horizontal slashes and a sharp kick to its mid-section before slamming his sword into the ground, producing a long column of fire that lifted his opponent into the air.
Drawing his blade back, the knight then swung it with all his might in an upward arch as if he were swinging a baseball bat or a golf club.
"FORE!" Deadpool yelled as the flamberge cut through Moloch's chest, lifting him up the ceiling, the creature falling with a loud thud.
Lord Deimos turned his head, giving him a puzzled look. "What?"
Deadpool shrugged.
"That's what you're suppose to yell during golf," he replied.
"Hm." The knight grunted as he turned his attention to Moloch as he rose up from the ground and charged him, the oni raising its iron ball.
"EISEN KUSS!" The red knight yelled as he swung his sword several times over head, slashing through the demon, one slash catching the creature across the face, the other cutting straight through his arm with the ball. Moloch screamed as his dismembered limb fell to the floor, his blood staining the ground red.
Lifting up the creature up by the throat, Lord Deimos let out a deep bellowing laugh as he reared his arm back and smacked the creature down with the flat end of his sword.
A punch caught Deadpool across the jaw.
"Aw...who-"
Before he could finish, a slew of punches and kick caught him from different angles. Noob suddenly grabbed hold of him and pulled him down into the ground through a portal, slamming Wade's face into the floor while Smoke tele-punched him into the air.
As Deadpool fell, Noob leapt up from the shadows and flung shuriken into him, the ninja stars embedding themselves into Wade's chest.
Sinking onto his knees, Deadpool plucked them painfully out one by one, then looked up as Smoke reappeared. "Dick move, bro!"
"You should be better aware of your surroundings." The machine replied as he walked toward him.
Cracking his jaw with a wince, Deadpool got back up.
"I'll keep that in mind." Throwing the ninja stars back, he watched as the cyborg backflipped all the way to the other end before disappearing from view.
Deadpool tensed up as the room started to fog up.
"Well, things are looking pretty bad, text boxes," Deadpool said aloud. "It's been nice knowing you, fellas."
'*Sniff* It was nice knowing you too, dude!'
'It was nice knowing you, fellas. See you on the other what are you doing?!'
Deadpool snatched hold of the text boxes, flinging them around wildly like pair of nunchakus.
"Bring it on, buttfuckers!" He taunted.
'I think I'm going to hurl.'
Leaping out from the shadows, Noob and Smoke flew toward Wade.
SMACK! 'OW!' WHACK! 'OYE!' CRACK! 'OH MY SPLEEN!' WHAP!
SCorpiON watched As THE reD MAN sMACKEd hhiiiiis oppoppppooooooents with WEEEEAAAAAAPPINS THat sEMMMMINGLY LLLLLLOKED LAK TTTEEEEEEEEEEEXTTTT BOOOOOOXXESSSSSSSSS. wHEEERRRRRRRRRE DIDIDIDIDID 190293843593586285348517412313176361! # #$$%^$# -
WE'RE SORRY - DUE TO TECHNICAL DIFFICULTIES THIS SECTION IS UNDERGOING HEAVY REPAIRS. AN ADMINISTRATOR HAS BEEN NOTIFIED AND WILL RETURN YOU BACK TO YOUR PROGRAM. PLEASE ENJOY THESE INFOMERCIALS WHILE YOU WAIT.
Deadpool suddenly appeared in front of the screen.
"Hello everyone. My name is Wade Wilson, aka Deadpool, and I have a very important question for you - are you satisfied with the size of your penis? Are you feeling low? WELL TOO BAD! MINE IS BIGGER, HAHHAHAHAHA!"
Evolution facepalmed.
"ANNNNNNND here come the angry letters." he said in a flat, defeated tone, his dead eyes watching as his monitors pinged with a slew of curses.
"I love this job! HEE HEEE HEE HEE!" Deadpool laughed. "And now back to our program!" ;)
Deadpool stood over the unconscious form of Drahmin.
"What the hell? I thought he was dead?"
'Apparently when you used us as your weapons you ended up damaging the script,' one of the voice replied. 'Whole scenes had to be cut out thanks to you. Evolution is seriously pissed at you. And by the way, we're still waiting for your apology.'
'Yeah!' The other voice said in agreement, harrumphing.
"Hey, come on, guys! I was desperate!"
'It still hurts that you would use us like that!' The other voice sniffed.
Deadpool sighed. "I'm sorry."
"Who are you talking to?"
Looking to his left, he was cut off as a metallic fist punched him in the jaw, sending him sprawling to the ground.
"AwuAgh! Deck maove, bruh!" Deadpool said with a broken jaw.
"Your failure to pay attention to your surroundings during a battle is not my concern." Smoke said as he approached.
Snapping his jaw back into place, Wade leapt back onto his feet.
"Perhaps not. Tell me, Smoky Bear - ever played a game called "Street Fighter"?" Deadpool asked.
"I am not familiar with that-"
"SHORYUKEN!" The Merc shouted, catching the robot in the jaw with a jumping uppercut, the machine falling down with a thud. "HA HA! How did that feel?"
He looked down at the robot.
"Hello?" Curious, Deadpool cautiously approached. "HEY! ARE YOU DEAD?!"
No answer.
"IF YOU CAN HEAR ME, SAY OUCH!" He shouted.
He waited, then poked the machine with his foot.
"I think he might be down for the count." Deadpool said aloud, then started to flex. "Ha HA! Who's da man?! Deadpool, that's who-"
He cried out as a sword pierced his chest.
"You are not a particularly good listener," Quan Chi stated as he impaled Wade with his dual broad swords. "You should have heeded Smoke's advice."
Deadpool shrugged.
"Meh, whatever. I get skewered every Thursday and Friday." He glanced back to the sorcerer. "Besides, you should have listened to your own advice, skippy."
Quan Chi blinked. "What? What are you- GUH!"
Deadpool watched as the pale sorcerer was hefted up high in the air, his form impaled on Lord Deimos' flamberge as he held up one handed.
"Revenge is mine, Sorcerer." The knight seethed.
Quan Chi struggled to breathe, coughing up blood as he shakily and weakly clawed at the sword protruding out from his chest.
"NO!" Scorpion yelled as he charged toward Lord Deimos, only to find himself tackled from the side by Noob.
Looking back to Lord Deimos, Deadpool gave a little wave.
"Uh, could you help get these out of me?"
Tossing Quan Chi's body indelicately aside, Lord Deimos growled as he approached Deadpool, tugging the swords out from his back.
"Oh, thank you," Deadpool said as he stretched himself out. "Hoo, I can never get used to that."
The knight said nothing, then turned away, leaving in silence.
"Hey! Where are you going?"
The knight refused to answer. Looking down to Quan Chi's still form, he sliced off the sorcerer's head, then lifted it up in his gauntleted hand, holding it like a prize.
"I have what I came for," Lord Deimos growled. He then cast a glance over to Scorpion and gestured to him, "Tell the ninja that he may claim the rest. Farewell, strange one."
And with that, he left.
"Goodbye, Deimos!" Deadpool waved. "I hope you come back for 'Mace 2', if not as future DLC for some game from NetherRealm Studios!" He then resumed talking normally. "Man that guy was cool!"
Meanwhile Noob and Scorpion continued to fight on, the two ninjas punching, kicking, leaping and sweeping, the two evenly matched.
Scorpion squinted his eyes.
"Your moves...you seem...familiar." he said in a low voice.
"I thought you would have recognized me sooner, Scorpion," Noob taunted.
Scorpion's pale eyes widened.
"That voice...Sub-Zero?!"
Deadpool perked up curiously. "Wait, you know this guy?"
"He should," Noob nodded. "After all, he is the one who killed me."
The Merc with the Mouth flinched. "Ouch."
"It wasn't pleasant," Noob then moved into a Monkey stance, his form bouncing slightly. "That said, however, I should thank you, Scorpion. Were it not for you, Quan Chi wouldn't have such a suitable vessel in the first place."
Scorpion stared to the shadowy figure.
"So, the two of you are piloting Bi-Han's corpse." He stated as he leaned into a Hapkido stance. "You may have his body, but you are a pale imitation of him."
"Are you ready to die again, Hanzo Hasashi?"
"Not before I correct my mistake, revenant!"
Spectre and revenant vanished, teleporting around the temple in a whirlwind of shadows and fire.
Noob dodged a teleporting punch while Scorpion himself avoided being grabbed by a clone that leapt out from a small sliver of shadow.
Another clone grabbed the spectre and pulled him into the inky black pool in the ground, the air punctuated with heavy punches as Noob let out a dark chuckle.
A black portal appeared from the ceiling, spitting out Scorpion's bruised body as he came crashing down.
Leaping back onto his feet, the ninja ripped off his mask, revealing a fleshless skull that let breathed out a jet of flame that barely missed his opponent as he teleported out of the way.
Whirling the chain of his spear around, looping it several times, Scorpion kicked it by the hilt, launching it in the opposite direction.
"COME HERE!"
The spear embedded itself into a column as Noob ducked down.
"You missed." The shadowy ninja smirked.
Scorpion smirked back. "Did I?"
Yanking the chain, his opponent didn't have time to react as a section of the column was pulled violently off, the section catching him in the back of the head.
Falling to his knees, Noob looked up as Scorpion charged forward.
A shadowy clone peeled off from Noob's form, racing toward Scorpion. Scorpion braced himself for the coming blow, only to be caught off-guard as the half-dressed red ninja tackled Noob from the side, causing the shadow clone to disappear.
Deadpool pounded into Noob's face, not letting up.
"THAT'S RIGHT! THAT'S RIGHT! WHO'S YOUR DADDY?! YOU WANT SOME MORE?! HOW ABOUT ANOTHER?! OH YOU WANT SECONDS?! HOW ABOUT THIRDS?! THIS IS FOR BEING A GOTH DORK! THAT'S FOR BEING AN EDGELORD WANNABE! THAT'S FOR BEING A TOTAL DOUCHE! THAT'S FOR THE SHITTY PREQUEL GAME ON THE N64! THAT'S FOR AMERICA! THAT'S FOR ALL THE READERS THAT HAVE TO PUT UP WITH THIS BULLSHIT! THAT'S FOR THE WHITE ELEPHANT PRESENT - WHO WANTS A WHITE ELEPHANT?! THAT'S FOR AMERICA! THAT'S BECAUSE I LIKE SMACKING FLESHY THINGS WITH THIS HAND! THAT'S FOR THE HOT GAMER GIRLS OUT THERE (hey, call me!)! THAT'S FOR, Um. Uh..."
The mercenary paused, then struck again. "...I have no idea why I did that honestly."
Looking down at Noob's unconscious form, he then got up.
"IIIIIII think I may have overdone it."
'You think?' The voice in his head said dryly.
He shrugged. "Meh."
Looking to Scorpion, Deadpool watched as the yellow ninja stood over Quan Chi's remains.
"It should have been me..." The spectre said quietly.
Turning to face Deadpool, Scorpion looked at him for a moment, then gave a single nod of acknowledgement.
Deadpool smiled and gave a thumbs up as the enigmatic ninja vanished, disappearing in a cloud of brimstone and hellfire.
"Well, now that has been dealt with, I wonder how-"
A shrill, blood-curdling scream outside drew his attention as he stared out to the hellscape, watching as Diablo grinded his teeth against Shinnok's back.
"HELP ME! PLEASE GOD HELP ME!" The Elder God screamed inside of the dinosaur's maw, his flesh being flayed from his body.
Tossing his head back, the Tyrannosaurus swallowed the shrieking Shinnok down whole with a gulp.
Moments later, the fallen Elder God's face and torso swelled outward from the creature's chest, his form now part of Diablo himself.
Lifting up his mighty head, Diablo let out a loud belch, giving a satisfied smile. "DELICIOUS."
Looking down at Deadpool, the creature regarded him.
"YOU HAVE DONE WELL, SIMIAN. MY GRATITUDE FOR SUCH A DELECTABLE MEAL!" Diablo said.
"Uhh, Bon Appetit!" Deadpool then rubbed his hands together. "Soooo, now that you've eaten, could you, uh...send me back?"
Diablo was still. For a moment, Wade felt himself tense up beneath the creature's lantern-like stare, not liking the look it was giving him.
Then, to his surprise, the creature gave him a dismissive snort.
"VERY WELL." The beast said as a portal appeared beside the mercenary. "YOU HAVE SERVED YOUR PURPOSE. NOW...GO."
Deadpool nodded. "Thank you."
As the Merc with The Mouth disappeared into the portal, Diablo raised his reptilian head to the starless black sky, letting out an earth-shattering roar that could be heard all across the Nether Realm.
The denizens of the umbral plains shivered as the roars echoed, some fleeing into the deepest recesses to avoid what was to come.
Turning away, Diablo then trekked through the fields of bone and lava, his skin sizzling in the infernal heat.
Demons scurried out of Diablo's path as he stomped through, ignoring the flying cacodemons and winged imps. Swinging his tail, he swatted the annoyances out of the air, feeling some measure of satisfaction of hearing them go splat.
"Diablo."
Hearing his name, the Destructive Beast curiously turned, looking down at a red knight with a flaming flamberge sword resting on his spiked shoulders.
"WHO...ARE YOU?" The creature asked, not even masking his contempt.
The knight straightened, plunging the sword into the bone floor on which he stood. "I am Lord Deimos, former ruler of Bavaria and leader of the Covenant of the Seven. I have come to take your head and lay claim to this realm!"
Diablo snorted dismissively. "BEGONE, FOOL. YOU ARE NEITHER WORTH MY TIME NOR MY PATIENCE."
Lord Deimos gave a bellowing laugh as he lifted the sword off the ground.
"We shall see about that, dragon."
The dinosaur snarled, his yellow eyes glowing.
"I KNOW OF YOU, CUR. YOU HAD TOSSED YOURSELF INTO THE LAVA AGES AGO IN ORDER TO AVOID THE HUMILIATION OF BEING DEFEATED BY THE PEASANTS YOU KEPT ENSLAVED."
He watched as the knight's grip on his sword tightened.
"YOU COULDN'T EVEN DEFEAT ASMODEUS AND LAY CLAIM TO THE MACE OF TANIS." The creature sneered. "WHAT MAKES YOU BELIEVE THAT YOU COULD POSSIBLY DEFEAT ME?"
Lord Deimos remained still, and for a moment, Diablo thought the little pissant would flee. To his surprise, the knight tossed his head back and laughed.
"I didn't toss myself into the lava to escape humiliation," Lord Deimos replied, "nor had Asmodeus defeated me. The truth was that I let him defeat me."
Diablo arched a scaled and scarred brow disinterestedly. "DID YOU? AND WHY WOULD YOU DO SUCH A THING?"
Deimos chuckled, bringing the sword up as he leaned low into a stance. "Why don't I show you? Have at you, dragon!"
And so waged a new battle between two of NetherRealms' darkest citizens, two beings of grim, ruthless determination that history had long forgotten...but that was a tale for another time.
Meanwhile, in some distant temple, the Doom Marine dragged his enormous bag of weapons behind him.
"HNNGH! Jesus fucking Christ, this bag! If the demons don't kill me, this fucking bag will! Whoo! God, I could use a cigarette right now!" he said tiredly.
Deadpool here! Sorry for the long wait, my good people - hope everyone is safe, healthy and happy. As you can see, I've been keeping Evolution quite busy. That said, though, that worthless hack should have gotten it out sooner. *Sigh* It is hard finding good help these days!
Until next time - peace out, everybody! Hope you enjoy this story as it unfolds! Buh-bye!
:)