You know, I failed second, fifth and ninth grade, and I quit twelfth to join the Air Force, where I had to leave in the middle of basic-discharged because the guy in the next bunk assaulted ME! Whose fault was it, right?

He was showing us his sister on his phone, sure, she has cerebral palsy, and I shouldn't make jokes about her walkin' like she has to go to the bathroom.

Okay, I kind of snatched the phone and said it to her...but I'm disabled too, right?

I have Attention-Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder, Spatial Perception Disorder, OCD, Post Traumatic Stress from the holocaust of my childhood and I used to sniff my highlighter in elementary school, an addict, right?

And Nana thinks that since I wet myself at my junior prom, I probably was suffering from Bashful Bladder Syndrome, or Spastic Bowel something.

Point is, I'm disabled, too!

So maybe I'm, you know, allowed to tease other handicappeds, like black people call each other the "N" word. Make fun of one guy's stutter, razz someone else about their harelip...

But my platoon was full of bad sports, and after the third or fourth time I got jumped by those creeps, the Air Force gave me a general discharge.

I went from bagger to manager at Fine & Frugal 'cos I let Mr. Entwistle you know, in the office a couple of times. I'd been an assistant manager for two weeks, and then Mr. E. got caught with some kid in a public restroom, and went to jail.

And then I was manager!

But when I tried to kind of do a little bartering of my own, with the girls? Well Lorene let me, and Minnette, I couldn't promote everyone who sleeps with me, though...right?

And Minnette got mad because I gave her crabs, but I got 'em from Lorene, so...

And I did promote Minnette, She replaced the lying bitch who said I made her preggers, at Customer Service.

But Annie Marks? Annie's even kind of FAT! You'd think she would appreciate attention from a successful guy like me.

Entwistle made Annie a cashier already, and she's good at it, so I couldn't, you know, bump her down to bagger or Custodial for her snooty attitude.

And I have an assistant manager already...I had a fling with Tess, who used to be Terence, but I never knew that, and so I had to promote him, her or it,which I'd promised, because otherwise Tess might've told everyone that he-she conned me.

Who DOES that to a guy?

So what could I do with Annie? Not much. I kind of tried carrot-stick, I penalized her a bunch when her uniform wasn't ironed, that kind of thing, giving her the wink that it could get better in return for a dirty weekend...

But Annie's a sick bitch. She has a kid, who is like Tess was, but the other way, wants to be a boy. And she's a cute girl, if she let her hair grow.

I sort of date on and off another girl at Sadie's school-that's Annie's kid, Sadie, what'll she be later, STAN?-and I see her parading around in the boy's uniform-it's a private academy.

Seriously-I was picking up my fuck-buddy, Yardley, who will be seventeen on Thursday, and I saw Sadie, dressed like a boy. Yardley wears the whole naughty schoolgirl uniform-it's the real thing, of course-and Sadie would be better off doing that, too.

But anyhoo, I finally got Annie Marks over a barrel. We got robbed...and one of the robbers has an identical tramp-stamp.

"Leslie Peterson, you need to take advantage of your opportunities, don't slack off!" That's what my Dad told me before he threw me out and I had to go live with Nana.

And you know, he's right.