What the bloody fucking hells just happened!? Is this some sort of prank? It would be something that they would definitely pull, but it doesn't feel like one- he's been through loads of them, so he'd know if it was a prank.

But the main problem was: He was back in the damnable cupboard.

He was ninety percent sure he burnt this house down at the end of the war. Ninety percent. They were good numbers.

Hey, wait- who's breathing is that? It's going a bit too fast- oh, wait, that's his. He's hyperventilating.

He took a deep breath through his nose, only to start coughing from all the dust. "Boy!" a voice screeched from outside.

"Aw, shit," he muttered.

"What was that?!" the voice screeched again.

"Nothing, Aunt Petunia!" He called out to said horse-harpy.

"Hmph. Get a move on, I want you to look after the bacon. And don't you dare let it burn- I want everything perfect on Dudley's birthday!" footsteps receded from the cupboard door.

Well, shit.

Was it that time already? Better make it perfect!

Hold, the fuck on. Where did that come from? He better not be getting that- whatever it was called, something with an 's'- effect. Hermione told him of that thing once, the one were the captive became sufficient on the captor and was actually looked forward to their visits? Yeah, he better not be getting that. That would suck.

Opening the door- oh, look, he had clothes on, including socks- he made his way to the kitchen. As he started on the bacon, he pondered on his situation.

First of all, he somehow made his way into the past again. That was a given, but how far? Judging by the photos and Horse's words, it's Dudley's birthday. Which one, though?

Pausing, he looked down at his body- definitely somewhere around ten years old.

Damn, he needed food; he was stick-thin.

Second of all, he is now in his untrained and untoned body. He pouted, he liked his old one, it actually had meat on it. Oh, well, better train up earlier now that he knows what's happening.

Turning the bacon over, Vernon entered, saying, "Good morning Petunia, Harry!"

Hol' up. What the fuck. What the actual, literal, fuck?! Vernon, VERNON, of all people being, gasp, nice! To him, even!

What in the bloody fucking hells is going on. Something is up. Something is definitely going on. something weird.

Is it too late to say that this might actually be a dream? Or, like, a prank? Because, he's pretty sure that the Dursleys weren't this bi-polar. Or, like, actually bi-polar at all.

Deciding to put that out of mind for now, he found out that he had actually said something in reply while in auto-pilot mode. He needed to fix that.

He continued about cooking the bacon and was starting up frying the bacon when Dudley came clumping down the stairs. Ignoring him, Dudley went straight to the presents piled up on the table. Slowly, he started counting them.

It took him a while, as, by the time he had loaded the plate up with bacon and eggs, Dudley was just finishing up counting, "Thir- Thir- Thirty-six." He looked dejected. Good. "That's two less than last year."

"Darling you haven't counted Auntie Marge's present, see, it's here right under this big one from mommy and daddy," Petunia tried placating him.

"Alright, thirty-seven, then." Dudley was going red now.

Harry crunched on his bacon loudly, getting ready for the show.

"And we'll buy you another two presents when we're out today. How's that, popkin? Two more presents. Is that all right?" Petunia tried de-escalating the situation.

Harry pouted, and he was ready for a tantrum. He got the bacon and everything!

The Pig of a human nodded dumbly, "That means, I'll have thirty, thirty, thirty,"

"Thirty-nine," Petunia helped.

"Oh." Dudley sat down heavily and grabbed the nearest present, using his stubby fingers to find a crease to open it from. "All right then."

Vernon chuckled heartily, "Atta boy! Just wanting his money's worth, just like his father!" he reached over and ruffled Dudley's hair, mussing it up even more.

The telephone rang and Petunia went to go grab it, while Harry felt a chill run down his spine. It wasn't the usual 'Evil person nearby' chill that he usually felt, no, it was a 'fear for his sanity' type of chill. That being said, he had just barely made it to the door of the room before Petunia came back, a frown marring her face.

"Bad news, Vernon. Figg has broken her leg and can't take him," she jerked her head at Harry, "in to watch."

Now, Harry knew how this would go down: Dudley would wail in sadness, while Vernon and Petunia would try to decide whether they would take him. It was also the day he had learned he was a Paselmouth, or snake-speaker. While Harry was deciding whether to make friends with a Boa or not, Dudley started wailing and Vernon and Petunia started a whispered conversation in the kitchen.

Harry was just coming out of his deep argument- the 'making friends with a Boa' won- as soon as the doorbell rang. Looking up, he commented idly, "Oh, look who's arrived just in time." At the same time as Petunia exclaimed, "Oh goodness, they're here!"

Minutes later- about half an hour- they were making their way to the zoo in Vernon's car. When a few motorcycles passed them, Vernon started muttering about how noisy and annoying they were. Harry declined to comment unlike last time, as he didn't want Vernon to crash the car- the last time this happened, Vernon almost crashed it.

They soon entered the zoo and Dudley and Piers sped off into the crowds, Vernon, Petunia and Harry following them. They spent several hours outside in the beating sun, making everyone sweat horribly, and by lunchtime, they were almost covered in sweat. Other than Harry, who had used a few wandless cooling charms on himself.

After lunchtime, they went into the reptile house, which was cooler than the outside. Dudley and Piers instantly gravitated towards the Boa Constrictor, the biggest snake in the entire house. They started complaining about how it wouldn't move, then Vernon tapped on the glass, and when nothing else happened, they went away bored and started looking at the other reptiles.

Harry watched the Boa carefully. Its eye snapped open and it looked around, when it saw Harry its eye snapped closed again. Moving towards the glass, Harry said in parseltongue, "Hey, buddy, they're annoying, aren't they?"

Both of the Boa's eyes snapped open this time and its head raised minutely to look up at Harry. Harry grinned, "Yeah, I'm a parselmouth. Now, here's what we're going to do:" Harry outlined his plan that he created on the way to the reptile house. "Got it?" The snake nodded. "Good, now we- woah!" Harry exclaimed as a miniature whale pushed him away from the glass.

Dudley the whale pushed his piggish nose up to the glass, shouting, "Look, Piers, look! It's doing something!"

Harry grinned, muttering under his breath, "Sayonara, fucker." Then the glass separating the whale and snake disappeared and the whale fell through, while the snake playfully licked Dudley's shin, freaking Dudley out even more.

The snake slithered past Harry, who murmured to it, "Wait outside the park, we'll lead you to the car." The snake nodded in acknowledgement, then slithered off towards the main gate.

Vernon the adult whale stomped up to Harry and grabbed him roughly, asking, "What did you do?" in a harsh undertone.

Putting up his best faux-innocent voice, Harry replied, "I-I dunno! One second the glass was there, the next, it was gone and Dudley fell into it!"

Vernon's eyes narrowed, "Don't play games with me, boy." he growled.

"P-promise, it was there then it wasn't!" Harry made sure to have that stutter- it gave effect to the act.

Vernon peered closer, then patted him on the back, "I believe you, boy. Just try not to do this again."

Eyes widened in fear and confusion; Harry nodded numbly. Holy cowshit, that was weird. Good thing that the Dursleys had the whole 'bi-polar' shtick going on. Maybe he could use that to his advantage? That required more thought.

He definitely had more of that than the Dursleys combined.

Once they had gotten Dudley free from his too-small enclosure, the Dursleys, Piers, and Harry quickly left the Zoo. Harry got to the car before the rest of them and helped sneak the Boa Constrictor into the trunk.

When they finally got back to Privet Drive, Harry waited until they had all entered the house to open up the trunk and let the Constrictor out. "Okay, you see that shed over there? Go in there and stay until tonight- if you see mice or rats, feel free to eat them." He told the snake.

It bobbed its head and slithered past the cars and into the shed.

As he watched the snake enter the shed, he paused not knowing what to do now. Shrugging, he opened the door to the house and entered in. And was promptly shoved into the cupboard. Hearing the lock click, he shifted around and got comfortable enough to, if not sleep, doze off into a state of half-wakefulness.

The start of this chapter relates to my feelings right now.

Word count: 1,564