A Public Service Announcement

(We see Chris in a trench coat standing under a spotlight)

Chris: Hello readers. You may recognize me as General Chris from the Steve Warz Saga. I'm here today to discuss an important matter, starting with a letter sent in by a concerned fan. (Pulls out letter)

"Dear Hack Writer Otherwise Known as Compendium of Steve: I wish to express my ongoing dissatisfaction with the contents and overall quality of your latest trilogies. Simply put, they are too wordy, overwrought with clumsy emotional bibble-babble, and rarely have anything of memorable mention.

"While your earlier trilogies boasted a sincere charm akin to a passion project, that quickly wore off as more trilogies came out and more characters were added to the narrative. Aside from Squishy, Anna and the Contractor, I can barely remember who any of these characters are. But I will say that Copeland is a whiny dog mother's behind, and were he removed from the series entirely the narrative would remain the same. Speaking of narrative, the more serious direction the stories have taken have made them more of a chore to read through. Frankly I found trilogy eight pointless as it was only violence for the sake of violence. Also, the amount of references is utterly egregious.

"Please stop trying to be edgy and focus more on writing original comedy and having the characters actually be characters. Signed: The Only Person Who Reads This [Expletive Deleted]"

(Chris puts away the letter)

Chris: I share your opinion, dear reader, which is why I am here: To voice my own personal grievances to the writer for the drop in quality that has been presented to us. The latest trilogies have indeed become more serious and, therefore, trite. Indeed they are lacking that before-mentioned charm, replaced instead with frivolous references, often to games no one ever plays, as though to validate himself as a "true gamer". Well, gaming and writing are two completely different things which our dear author hasn't quite been able to disentangle.

When the sixth trilogy came around I admit I had hope for a return to form, but that was quickly dashed by the lyric-strung 7th trilogy and that desperate bid to get "real" that was the 8th trilogy. And the 9th trilogy? A final episode bogged down with trials that were wholly optional and therefore superfluous, a flashback sequence that long overstayed its novelty, and everything being resolved with a Naruto opening song. Just what has become of you, man? And while I have this chance to fully speak my mind, I want to bring up the injustices you've done to my character.

Throughout this entire series you've made me a perverted nutjob comic relief. Sure, I was very serious in the 2nd trilogy, but that was soon forgotten after all the other heinous things you've made me do. There were those things I said, the innuendos, and the biggest insult of them all: That scene with the robot monkey. I mean come on: A monkey?! If anything I'm more into raccoons. I don't right appreciate the thought of me butt-raping simians left and right all day long. And the backstory to explain that is plain messed up!

Despite your 90's television approach to censorship you still come off as some sick, perverted individual and a disgrace to literature. Well I say no more! I've had enough with your ways! I got way more talent than you're willing to acknowledge and I'm gonna show it d***it! And when I get my own series, I'm gonna take those censor stars and ram 'em up your hoo-ha! Whatchu got to say to that? Nothing! You've lost the edge, old man! You can't do silly random like you used to. It's time for you to uninstall the word processor and let someone with legit fresh comedic talent take over. What do ya say to that? Huh? HUH? Yeah, that's what I thought. You can't do jack, cuz I'm just too good for this s*** show of a series.

(While he's talking, a pencil tip appears and draws a thermostat. The tip switches the temperature up to high, causing Chris to stop)

Chris: Huh. Seems I worked myself up too much; I'm beginning to feel steamy. I'll just calm down and continue my message in a slow, sophisticated manner.

(The pencil draws heat waves and the place starts to waver with heat. Chris begins sweating and waving his hands over his face)

Chris: Wow is it sweltering. (Pant pant pant) This can't be right. (Pant) What's coming over me? I'm feeling so hot. (Pant pant) Ahh, the heat. It's so itchy. (Pant pant) Oh God it's so hot. Oh criminy is it Hawt! My soul is blazing. These clothes are so constraining! I have to escape this. I must get out! It's getting hotter and hotter! I've got to cut loose; I've got to break free! Ah Baby! I'm on FIRE!

(Rips off trench coat to reveal the dress he's wearing, which is Yuna's singer garment from FFX-2. "Real Emotion" from that same game begins playing as Chris busts out some salacious moves and lip synchs like Britney Spears. Private Jennings and Launch Octopus, both wearing spandex, slide in and act as backup dancers while Chris shakes his thing before the surrounding crowd of Mega Man bosses. During the first part, Chris does sexy things like unscrupulously licking ice cream, riding a gas pump and performing in Cirque de Soleil)

Chris: Now this is my kind of random!

(At one point Metal Shark Player flies in on a hover board to play a mean guitar. The platform Chris and his backups are on rises to reveal a giant Duff McWhalan playing drums. Chris and his crew finish up the song and with a great explosion there's clamorous applause and cheers that heralds—

Steve Warz

Trilogy X