A/N: First and foremost, thank you so much for reading! This is my first piece of writing (for fun) in a very long time and I hope I do it justice! I plan on this being a multi-chapter piece and will update as often as I can! I *think* the timelines may be a little off and if they are I'm so incredibly sorry!
The Champions of Losing
Ten days. It had been ten days since the coup in Iran, ten days since her life flashed before her eyes, ten days since she returned to American soil – but not to life like it was. She wanted life as it was eleven days ago.
She wanted the pressure in her chest to finally subside. She wanted her heart to slow down just a beat or two. She wanted the exhaustion she felt throughout every part of her body to be pacified. She wanted normalcy.
She wanted the memories she had eleven days ago. She wanted a son to have his father – like he did eleven days ago, a woman to have her husband. Selfishly, she wanted the part of herself she lost in Iran, back too.
There were a lot of things she still wanted, a lot of unwanted things she wanted to part with, and a lot of normal things that she wanted to feel again – but her hand hitting the snooze button was not one of them.
It's not like she had slept much, if she got a few hours a night it seemed like she was lucky. Grappling with the consequences and feelings after the coup weren't easy… or maybe she wasn't as strong as she thought.
Henry had tried to convince her many times to take a day off. He tried to schedule her follow up appointment with her doctor. He tried to keep her relaxed at home. He tried to make her communicate about what she had seen and what she was feeling. He tried.
"Up already?" He sleepily questioned.
"Yea I guess you are." She responded barely moving her position, her back firmly pressed against the headboard, her eyes forward.
"Have you been up for a while?" Henry asked as if he didn't know she hadn't slept a full night since she got back.
"Just a few hours." She answered almost sarcastically. "But I've got to get up and get moving. Hopefully I can get in to the office early today."
He slowly pushed himself up and his eyes followed her to the bathroom where he quickly found himself staring at the bathroom door.
Elizabeth liked long hot showers, the hotter the better. She liked noise in the background, usually a podcast or songs that evoked happy nostalgia… but today was different. There was no background noise, no calming voice talking about murder mysteries, no Beach Boys, there was only the sound of the water.
When Henry finally spotted her figure in the shower, he could tell she was stiff. Through the steam he could see her tightly closed eyes, he could feel the pressure of her tightly clinched jaw in his own mouth, and his shoulders hurt for hers. He debated stripping off his boxers and t-shirt and joining her, but more times than not since the coup she had been demanding her space – so he gave it to her. He put on his robe and headed downstairs to make breakfast for his family and wait for the next argument that they would hide from the children and for his concern for her to grow.
"Hey, good morning everyone!" She exclaimed as she walked down the stairs. She was trying so hard to sound fine, but she was also failing.
"Morning mom." Aly quickly chimed in.
"Morning." Stevie followed.
Jason remained glued to his phone and simply offered her a head nod.
"Good morning honey." Henry greeted her with a kiss on the cheek.
"So, family dinner tonight. Don't forget! I'm going to do my best to be back home in time." Elizabeth reminded the family, while she had trouble getting excited about most things, she was actually looking forward to a few hours of family time.
"I'm actually having dinner with some friends… I meant to tell you yesterday." Stevie really did regret not telling her earlier, she had full intention of telling her mother when she suggested family dinner tonight but the concern she had for her mother was taking up more of her thoughts than not.
"I've got a study group… I've got a biology test tomorrow so Kara, Megan, and I were going to get together to go over notes." Aly chimed in.
Elizabeth would never be upset with her daughter for valuing her education, but after everything that happened in Iran, the feelings and sights she was still struggling with, she craved quality time with them.
"Well Jase, looks like it's you and us tonight!" Henry said trying to get ahead of any potential arguments that may arise as a result.
"Yea, the three of us, the three musketeers!" Elizabeth looked at her husband and offer a slight smile. She was disappointed and he could tell.
"Alright well, I've got to go!" Aly stated picking up her bag and heading towards the door.
"Let's go kid!" Stevie placed a firm hand on Jase's shoulder and he reached down to grab his bag.
"I'm coming, I'm coming." He responded, somewhat reluctantly to her reminder.
"Bye guys, have a good day! Be safe!" Elizabeth told them, getting a little louder with each word as they got further away from her and closer to the door. "What the hell was that? Now suddenly everyone is too busy for family night? They used to love family night." She stated turning towards Henry.
"They're getting older, this happens. No big deal." He was already trying to do damage control before her meltdown started.
"Yea, no big deal alright." Her added eyeroll told him everything he needed to know. She was upset but she was always upset these days. "I gotta go." She offered him a quick peck kiss and headed out.
The real reality of what happened always hit her in the car. She usually spent this time asking Frank how his night was, if he and his wife had any plans, how his sons soccer game went, she spent that time getting to know him. Now there was another man in his spot.
It wasn't that the new Frank wasn't nice, he was a wonderful man, but he wasn't Frank and she wasn't ready to build the rapport that she and Frank had built. She wasn't ready to get attached to someone in such a friendly way that may put their life on the line for her. She didn't want to think she was that import.
She sat in silence for the eight minutes it took her motorcade to arrive at her office. She somehow felt as if she was being crushed and being incredibly protected when she was in her motorcade, but for some reason today she wasn't looking forward to her motorcade door opening. She wanted to stay in the peace of the silence a little bit longer.
"We're here ma'am." Her driver said as new Frank got out of his seat in front of the SUV to open her door.
"Thank you." She told him as she exited the vehicle.
She walked to the elevator and pressed the button for the seventh floor. The ride seemed painfully fast today.
The doors opened and she walked quickly to the end of the room with all of her staff ready to greet her and get moving on with her day.
"Good morning ma'am…" Blake started.
"Why is there a nurse in my sitting room?" She cut him off looking around at her staff for answers?
"You wouldn't follow up so we did." Nadine declared. Nadine cared more for her boss sometimes than herself.
"I told you I would follow up with my doctor when I had the chance!" Elizabeth shot back. She felt undermined by her team but she respected their actions.
Before she knew it the nurse that was sitting in her sitting room was quickly examining the stiches in her side. She was asking about pain and how she was feeling. Elizabeth felt it was easier to lie to people who didn't know her. She quickly informed her that she felt fine, no pain, and hoped the exam would be done.
"Just need a blood test, ma'am." Thankfully the nurse was almost done.
"Let's multitask." Elizabeth said leading her nurse to her desk.
Elizabeth listened as she was briefed about rainforests in the Amazon and the poor girl briefing her nearly passed out at the sight of her blood. The nurse finished up quickly and Elizabeth went on with her day.
Her day seemed normal, at least as normal as it could feel with her still reeling from the events in Iran. The chest pain never seemed to end, the shortness of breath would come and go but when they both hit together, it was clear something wasn't right.
As soon as she was able to pull herself away from the ambassador, she alerted her staff and they called 911. She didn't think things could get worse than they were but a heart attack certainly wouldn't make things any better.
Blake called Henry, Nadine called Russel, and Daisy made sure none of the press would come calling. The EMTs quickly loaded her into the ambulance and rushed her to George Washington Hospital.
The oxygen she was receiving felt like the miracle drug her body had been missing. The aspirin felt like a temporary band aid on her heart. Her husbands touch while being wheeled to the cardiac unit relaxed her ever so slightly. Maybe her heart was actually broken… well… blocked. Maybe this heart attack would be a reset button.
She was disappointed when the doctor finally broke it to her that it wasn't a heart attack. Her hopes of open heart surgery fixing her problems was gone meaning she actually had to work on herself and her mental health to feel normal again.
As much as she wanted her husband to tell her what she wanted to hear, that she was strong and this was nothing, he wasn't about to do that.
"Navy seals go through this, do you really think you're stronger than a navy seal?" He asked her, somewhat rhetorically, somewhat truthfully.
"Maybe one of the really runty ones, yea." She answered, somewhat jokingly, somewhat seriously.
He continued on about how she needed to calm down, reduce her stress, and not be afraid to open up. He wasn't an expert in PTSD, but he was an expert in her and he knew she would struggle with that. She was stronger than she realized but she was more afraid to be weak than she should be.
"Madam Secretary," her doctor quickly chimed in getting both Elizabeth and Henry's attention and focus. "You'll be good to be discharged soon, we're just waiting on your blood work results from earlier to rule anything else out, once we get those you'll be good to go! I'm going to send you home with a prescription for an anti-anxiety medicine and strict doctors orders to take it easy and relax as much as you can."
The couple nodded and agreeance. This was about Elizabeth healing, in every possible way. Henry knew Elizabeth would not be happy about orders to take it easy, but if he could squeeze a day of rest and relation out of her he'd consider it a small win.
It seemed much shorter than it was but shortly after making her last appearance, the secretary's doctor appeared at the end of the curtain next to her bed once again.
"Madam Secretary… we got your bloodwork back, everything looks fairly good and I believe you're good to go but we do need to have a discussion about a further course of action after something we saw on your blood test. I'm going to pull in a colleague, it will only be a minute." The doctor quickly turned around as the couple turned to each other with looks of worry have no idea how their lives were about to change.