A/N: Just a disclaimer that I borrowed and paraphrased a line from the movie, A Few Good Men. Just saying so no one thinks I'm pretending I thought of it myself. ;-)

LUNA LOVEGOOD and the TROUSER SNAKE

(That's How It Could Have Happened)

CHAPTER FOUR

LUNA'S ENDGAME

Once Hermione had left the library, Luna smiled and let out a satisfied sigh. "Considering it was Hermione Granger, that was way too easy," she whispered to herself.

Luna Lovegood was rather proud of herself. True, it had been Draco's idea to use her ability to draw Harry's manhood—very generously proportioned, she'd discovered. She knew though that if she had spied on him for her own personal enjoyment, he would be very upset. No, worse… disappointed.

But this wasn't spying for the sake of her own gratification. No, this had been for a far more noble purpose.

She knew Harry and Hermione were both secretly in love with each other. She also knew both were very guarded about their respective feelings. Worse, they were as stubborn as Hippogriffs when it came to admitting their feelings for fear of rejection and ruining their friendship.

Luna knew that direct interference in their (non-existent) love lives would be counterproductive, and in fact probably destroy what pathetic little progress the two had made on their own.

So, she had to be subtle. She had to let Hermione "discover for herself" that Harry desired her. The drawings that contained proof that her so-called imaginary creatures existed, now contained proof that his so-called imaginary feelings did as well. After all, Hermione always said she was just imagining things when she saw him casting shy glances in her direction.

Yes, Luna's job here was done. Now, as for spying on Harry during a very private moment…

Although it had been for a very noble cause, Luna still felt she owed a penance. Perhaps she would do ten good deeds. That sounded reasonable.

But was it enough? She would have to check. But when?

Luna calculated that if Hermione walked slowly enough toward the Prefect's Bath to allow Harry to get there first from after his Quidditch practice, then it would take the Gryffindor witch eight minutes to get there.

After that, Luna estimated Hermione would allow five minutes for Harry to undress and for the bath to fill, after which she would wait an additional five minutes to permit Harry enough time to get in the bath and begin a half-hearted attempt to bathe… before finally he gave up and decided to really enjoy the bath.

Luna factored in two more minutes for Hermione to stand at the door and debate whether or not to barge in on him before she actually did, and then one final minute of some sort of awkward confrontation before the real magic began.

And so, twenty-three minutes after Hermione left the library, Luna invaded Harry's privacy one last time, just to make sure things were going well. A few seconds later, Luna left the vision with a triumphant smile. As usual, she couldn't remember the appearance of what she'd seen. But she did remember verbs and adverbs.

And the very enthusiastic game of 'Hide the Snake' she'd witnessed Harry and Hermione playing was full of verbs and adverbs.

"Okay, maybe just five good deeds," Luna mused quietly. She returned to her sketchbook and tore out the four drawings of Harry. Focusing all of her attention, she called up a clear mental image of each of them, casting successive Remember-Me-Not charms, one at a time.

In a world of forgetfulness potions and Obliviations, on occasion there was need for something a little less heavy-handed, a little more delicate. Sometimes, things were seen that no human should ever have to see, whether it be a horrendous magical mishap, or, even worse, walking in on one's parents shagging.

Some people never get over the trauma of accidentally seeing their mum and dad riding each other like the most seasoned of porn stars.

But self-Obliviation was inherently dangerous and a forgetfulness potion was like curing a wart by amputating an arm. And besides, complete memory removal was often not the ideal solution. Sometimes, remembering the circumstances of the original incident but not the incident itself was beneficial as it could help prevent a repeat offense.

And so fortunately, at some point someone developed the Unsee-It charm. It wasn't a replacement for Obliviation; it didn't remove memories. Rather it simply erased disturbing mental images burned into a person's mind. A person still remembered that they saw something, but at least they could no longer "see" it in their minds.

And sometimes, that was more than enough to save their sanity.

Satisfied Harry's privacy would be restored as the images faded from her mind in the next thirty seconds, Luna quickly charmed the drawings to appear blank and then turned them into paper airplanes that only Hermione would be able to open and reveal. She wrote a quick note on them explaining what she'd done, then sent them on their way up to the Head Girl's room.

She trusted Hermione would make good use of them. Luna smiled. Good Deed #1 completed.

And with that done, Luna immediately set out to work on Good Deed #2. She packed up her books and skipped out of library. Out in the corridor, she summoned one of the castle's House Elves, hoping it could help her find the target of her next good deed.

Back up in the Room of Requirement, Ron was back at work hexing the practice dummy and then either dodging or shielding against the rebound that the dummy sent back. His concentration had greatly improved in the last ten minutes after finally clearing the vile image of his sister and Neville in the broom closet out of him mind. He jumped when he heard someone clapping politely behind him.

"Luna!" Ron gasped in shock. "You about gave me a heart attack." He stopped, went over to the table to get a drink of water, then grabbed a towel to wipe the sweat off his face and from around his neck.

"I would never do that," Luna replied simply. "At least, not by scaring you," she added under her breath as she considered other ways of making his heart race.

Ron looked at the blonde witch suspiciously. "How did you get in here?"

Luna just smiled her usual vacant smile. "You're doing very well, Ronald," she encouraged the redhead. "A few more extra practice sessions, and you'll be among the best in the DA."

"Yeah, I'll believe that when I see it," Ron quipped, still a little defensive after having been knocked on his arse in the last DA meeting by the guy who was thoroughly shagging his sister… according to her!

No, forget what I said earlier, Ron complained, thinking about how he learned Ginny and Neville were dating. The WORST part was when she told me about it, in great detail!

On the one occasion that Ron had truly enraged his sister earlier this year (in regards to dating Neville, of course), she waited until the two of them were alone in the Common Room late one night and then cornered him. After petrifying him to one of the squashy armchairs, Ginny then proceeded to sit on her brother's lap and tell him all about how amazing Neville was in bed, about how she loved to be on top, riding him… about how Neville was naturally submissive in bed and how he loved it when she dominated him.

And then, when Ron looked like he was ready to start crying, Ginny told him about how every once in a while, Neville would just get really horny and he became the dominant, and would relentlessly drive her into the mattress again and again, and once even into the very chair Ron was sitting on.

Now, of course this last part was a total lie. Ginny might have had her kinks (which Neville was more than happy to indulge) but exhibition was not one of them. After that first accident in the broom closet, all further encounters were kept much more discreet. Shagging in the common room was certainly not something she was interested in. But Ron didn't need to know that, especially if he insisted upon putting his nose into her love life.

Ron never complained about Neville, ever again. Verbally, at least.

Back in the present, Ron was still shuddering from the memory of Ginny freezing him and telling him about hers and Neville's exploits. Why did he have to think about that again? What was really bothering him? That Neville was beating him? That Neville was dating Ginny? That they were shagging? Or that it was Neville?

Merlin's balls! How on earth did Neville manage THAT? he complained to himself. Neville… of all people! Why couldn't I be the one hung like a centaur?

Even after all this time, Ron wasn't at all bitter about Neville dating his sister. Or other things.

Yeah, right.

After all, if someone were to condense the entire female psyche down to an exaggerated and stereotypical, "Does this make my butt look big?", then an equally condensed synopsis of the male ego would be, "Is my dick too small?"

Now, in all honesty, Ron knew his own six and-a-third inches meant he was still in the "above average" category, much to his and his hand's pleasure. But still, all he could think of (in worry) was how Harry and Neville were still so much bigger than he was.

It didn't matter that according to the statistics, Ron was still larger than more than half of the men on the planet. He was a guy. The grass was always greener… the dick was always bigger in someone else's pants.

Well, except for Malfoy's, Ron thought with a grin. Okay, he did feel a little better about that.

"I believe it, Ronald," Luna said earnestly, recapturing his attention. "You could be one of the best in class. Practice makes better. Why do you think your sister and Neville are practicing so much lately?"

Ron bit back his first response.

"They're some of the best in the DA," she reminded him as she turned and looked at one of the training dummies. Unseen by Ron, she sighed slightly seeing a hand-drawn "N" on its chest. "If you actually watch them, you can see they truly are practicing and working hard together. They're taking this seriously."

At this point, Ron either didn't hear or wasn't paying attention to the last part of what she was saying. He just wanted to get out of there. Even now, a few months into his seventh year, he was still a little unnerved to be alone with Luna Lovegood.

It wasn't that he disliked her. It was weird… she was pretty, and yet she wasn't. It was like there was just something… different about her… something he couldn't identify… and he wasn't sure if it was good or bad. In short, he just didn't understand her.

And right now, Ron had just figured out now why he hadn't been paying attention. One of the buttons on her white uniform shirt had come undone. With her looking at the training dummy, at this side angle, Ron could see inside her shirt through the gap of the open button… her pale, creamy, milky-white skin… her lacy white bra.

Lace?

TIME TO GO!

"Erm, right. Well, think I'm going to head down to the prefect's bath. A bit dirty, you know…" he stuttered, trying to think of a way to leave politely as he waved his now-sweaty towel.

Luna turned back to face him. Ron was actually a bit disappointed by the loss of the peep show. Luna might have been Luna, but a bra-covered boob was still a bra-covered boob. Might even be worth a wank.

"Oh, don't bother," Luna said off-handedly, "Harry and Hermione are in there right now."

Ron was confused. "They're in there, together?"

"Shagging," Luna replied, answering the 'why' question he hadn't thought to ask yet.

"How do you know that?" Ron asked suddenly, in shock. Luna was about to answer, but he cut her off.

"About bloody time!" he exclaimed, relieved. "If I had to sit and watch them dance around each other for one more day, I'd lock them in the bath and banish their clothes myself!"

Luna just smiled and nodded patiently. Ron had already threatened something similar six times previously.

"So, how'd it finally happen?" he wondered.

Looking a bit proud of herself, Luna told Ron all about what had happened… sitting by the lake, Draco's suggestion, and her tricking Hermione. She left nothing out. By the time she was done, Ron was laughing hard.

"A Trouser Snake? Oh, Luna, that's absolutely brilliant!" After a very satisfied sigh, he could not help but chuckle.

And then suddenly, Ron realized something.

Luna had said that she'd charmed herself to forget the sight of Harry's… erm, Trouser Snake. But, in his opinion, the only reason she would've done that was if she didn't care about how big Harry was. Still feeling hidden in the immense shadows of Neville and Harry's oversized members, he was still convinced that the only thing girls cared about was how well-hung a bloke was.

So, with that assumption in mind, if Luna (or any other girl, because she was still just 'Loony') didn't care about Harry's size, then it had to be because he was now with Hermione, thus no longer single.

And just like that, Ron no longer cared that Harry and Neville were packing prodigious peckers. If Hermione and Ginny, respectively, were now servicing the two of them, then that meant they were now both off the meat market. He was no longer in competition with them!

But, now that he really stopped to think about it… honestly, did that really matter anymore?

A few years ago, when he first discovered the joys of wanking, Ron fantasized about having sex with any girl he wanted, at any time he wanted. He was thirteen; times were simpler, fantasies were simpler. And at that age, he was so easily excitable it literally was that vague… "any girl" at "any time." He wasn't even focused enough to think about details. He didn't need to think about details… who, where, when, how.

But as the years went by and he watched his classmates pair off (even if only temporarily), his desires became more detailed. Now, he might fantasize about a specific witch in a certain situation. It still always varied, his fantasy du jour, based whatever caught his eye that day, but at least it was specific.

One day it might be visualizing Susan Bones spread-eagle after he saw her tightly-clinging knickers when she slipped on some ice and landed with her legs splayed out.

Fleur Delacour… enough said.

A different day, it might be the thought of bending Daphne Greengrass over the Slytherin lunch table and taking her from behind, after he watched her lean across that very same table to grab something from the other side.

Actually, that fantasy was a lot more often than just one day.

Daphne Greengrass might have been a Slytherin, but she was probably the least annoying in her entire house, and she didn't seem to interact with Malfoy all that much. That allowed Ron to realize that she was totally, effing HOT! In an evil, kinky, forbidden sort of way, of course. He always kept that particular fantasy on reserve backup, just in case he went a couple days without seeing anything particularly naughty.

Like Luna Lovegood's creamy pale skin and her lacy white bra, for example.

STOP IT! She's got nice boobs, but it's Loony!

But despite all that, though his fantasies might have been rather varied, deep down in places boys didn't talk about at parties, all Ron really wanted was to simply find a girl, one girl, who liked him for who he was.

And if she was willing to do any of several naughty things with him, well, so much the better.

If Ron truly intended to have sex with half the girls at Hogwarts like the man-whore that he knew he wasn't… like in his thirteen year-old dreams… then being hugely hung like Harry or Neville was a tremendous advantage: he had little to worry about when all those random girls with compared him to all the other random guys they slept with.

Ew! That's a bit gross! Ron realized, now that he thought about it.

Wow! He'd never really thought about it from that point of view.

Sure, the fantasy was fun to be able to have sex with any girl, but if he stopped to think about the reality of it?

No wonder Neville didn't want half the girls at the school lined up for him, Ron mused to himself. That meant that Ginny didn't know until after they started dating… Suddenly his current mood towards Neville improved rather drastically. Oh, he'd never be happy if they were fooling around, but at least it was no longer Neville's fault, in Ron's eyes.

Now if only Ron could find that one special someone—someone from whom he didn't have to hide his love of Quidditch, or pretend that he liked to do his homework, someone who would like him no matter what stupid things he said or did—then he knew that if she was going to put up with all of that, then surely she wasn't going to quibble over an extra inch or two.

He could be who he was, and his manhood could be what it was, and he didn't need to worry about comparing himself to Harry or Neville, or anyone else anymore.

Lost in his musing, he'd forgotten Luna was still in the room. She was currently bending over the table at the side of the room, reaching for a book on the other side of it, humming "Weasley Is Our King."

As he absentmindedly stared at her backside and how high her uniform skirt was rising as she leaned further and further across the table, now that he thought about it, he supposed if he did find someone special, if he tried just a little harder to maybe not say or do quite so many stupid and thoughtless things, then maybe she, whoever she was, might be a little willing to do some naughty things with him.

And so finally, with Ron's John Thomas-jealously finally put to rest, he suddenly remembered that, hey, six-and-a-third inches was still firmly above average… even if it did curve a little to the left. Without any change in blood flow, his trousers suddenly felt that much snugger.

Ron's attention suddenly snapped back in disappointment when Luna finally found whatever it was she had been reaching for and then stood up and turned back around thus ending the almost-peep show.

Speaking of snug trousers, the reason they were feeling a bit tight at the moment was because they were still sweaty and sticky from his hexing practice… mostly. Satisfied that he was no longer as small as he used to think he was, and also that his two best friends were now in good hands—each other's, in the bath—Ron turned his attention to a more pressing matter. His nose wrinkled now that he could smell himself better… or worse.

"Well, I probably should head back up to the tower then and take a shower." He threw the towel back over to the table. "Good ni—" he started to say, but stopped when he realized Luna had moved to block his path.

"They should be done in the bath in about an hour or so. If you really wanted to go down for a bath, we could wait and pass the time here," she suggested casually.

"How…?" Ron started to ask. Oh, bloody hell! he complained to himself as he rolled his eyes when he noticed Luna taking her sketchbook out of her bag. Even Ron knew about her quest to convince Hermione of her magical creatures.

Okay, this time he was just going to have to tell her 'no.' He really had no desire to look at another Flippering Wingding, or whatever the hell it was.

"Could I draw your Trouser Snake?" she asked plainly. In one hand, he noticed she was holding her sketchbook and drawing pencil. Her other hand was playing with a second shirt button that was now unfastened.

Seeing the gob smacked look on his face, Luna knew Ronald didn't respond too well to subtlety.

"Or, if you prefer…" Luna closed her eyes for a few seconds and suddenly the Room of Requirement transformed itself into a perfect recreation of the Prefects' Bath. She set her sketchbook down in a corner then jumped into the pool, still fully clothed.

"Would you like to shag in the pool too?"

FINAL A/N: Well, I hope you enjoyed this "alternate version" of a story that I was unable to finish originally. As I mentioned earlier, THIS story was the result of heavily rewriting a Lunar Harmony trio fic (Harry/Hermione/Luna) back in 2008 as a H/Hr R/L Portkey-compliant story when I hit a writer's block on the Luna trio portion (basically everything after chapter 2). Fortunately when I picked this up again back in November, I was able to finally figure out all of the problems I had and so now THAT story is finished too. I will start posting that story tomorrow, look for it under the name LUNA LOVEGOOD and the TROUSER SNAKE (But Here's What Really Happened).

BONUS: As a nerd, I like to make PDFs of my stories in a style resembling the official US Harry Potter books. If you'd like to see these, or if you'd like to download any of these stories for archive or for easy reading on mobile devices, please see see my author's profile page where I list them, as I can't post direct links inside the story itself. These PDFs are EXACTLY the same as the stories published here, except in a prettier format.