CHAPTER 13: The Two Heroes
-Several minutes later, after going through the entire training session in the Fairy Council outskirts for a second time, Rayman and Murfy end up at the front door of the council-
Rayman: Well, here we are again. I suppose now it's time to go inside through a bunch of completely pointless and meaningless rooms before we finally reach the Heart that can't protect itself from an earthquake.
Murfy: Absolutely. I'm just wondering, why haven't we seen any Black Lums yet? Judging by what happened back there, this place should be swarming with them.
Rayman: No big deal. Just makes my job easier.
Murfy: I guess it does. No time to waste then.
-Rayman and Murfy go through the front door-
LEVEL SCORE: 6
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Rayman: Ugh, is it going to do that every time?
Murfy: -sigh- Yes, EVERY time…
Rayman: I'll find a way to stop it later. Right now, I need to reach the Heart before...uh… what am I trying to beat again?
Murfy: Hmm, good question. Now that I think about it, they're probably all back at the mountain range by now. I suppose this entire trip was absolutely and utterly pointless.
Rayman: Oh well. Here we go again.
Murfy: Yep.
-Suddenly, an entire gang of Hoodblasters blast through a wall, grab Rayman and drag him off-
Murfy: Wow… can this day get any weirder? I just need some Elixir of Life right now.
A FEW MINUTES LATER…
-The Hoodblasters drop Rayman into a chair inside a very dark room-
Rayman: What is the meaning of this?
Hoodblaster 1: You're gonna be put on trial for blowing up our headquarters.
Hoodblaster 2: Yeah! That was so mean!
Rayman: It wasn't me!
Hoodblaster 3: Right, suuuuuuure it wasn't. Andre said so, and Lord Andre is always right!
Rayman: Great. I've got a gang of right wing mongrels after me.
Hoodblaster 1: We don't have wings! We have arms! Man, you are stupid!
Rayman: Oh, just forget it.
-Suddenly, the lights come on. Rayman can now see that he is inside a giant courtroom, with thousands of Hoodlums watching. Twelve random Black Lums serve as the jury. A Spinneroo (obviously acting as a bailiff) walks up-
Spinneroo: The honorable Lord Andre residing. You hear that? He's coming! Praise him!
-Andre flies in, greeted by the thunderous cheering of the Hoodlums. He hovers above a gavel-
Andre: Thank you, thank you. You're too kind. Mindless drones. …Wait, did I just say that out loud? Ah, who cares. Anyway, Rayman, you're on trial for the destruction of the new Hoodlum Headquarters.
Rayman: How many times do I have to say this? I DIDN'T DO IT!
Andre: Oh, please. Have you even read this fanfic?
Rayman: If you did, you'd see that I didn't do it! Your own men, out of their own greed and corruption, did it!
Hoodboom/Lawyer: Objection!
Andre: Sustained.
Rayman: But that doesn't make any sense! I mean… even Globox knows that! What's wrong with you people?
Hoodboom/Lawyer: Objection!
Andre: Sustained.
Rayman: Oh, for the love of… come on, Author! You can make this all better, can't you?
Author: You'd also know that I couldn't divulge any precious secrets. Hello? Lawsuit?
Andre: See? Even your precious Author agrees with me! Jury, what is your verdict?
Black Lums: GILTY!
Rayman: You call yourself a jury? Guilty has a "u" in it!
Andre: SILENCE IN MY COURTROOM! Rayman, I have no choice but to… well, actually I do have a choice, but whatever. You're sentenced to fifty years of-
STOP!
Andre: What in the… who are you?
Hoodstormer: It's us!
Slapdash: The only two Hoodlums to survive the explosion of the previous HQ!
Andre: Excellent! This will give me actual proof! Improvising just seems so… hollow.
Hoodstormer: Rayman is inn-
-Suddenly, a huge rock dislodges from the ceiling, squashing the two flat-
Andre: Oh well. He was gonna say that you were inside when you planted a bomb and ran. Back to the trial…
Rayman: No! He was going to say that I was innocent! WHAT IS IT WITH THIS STUPID ANTICLIMATIC POPPYCOCK?
-Everyone gasps-
Andre: Whoa! Are you sure you can say that word here?
Rayman: Oh… I guess not.
Andre: Darn right. Now, for your sentence, which I've been simply dying to give ever since I met you, I sentence you to fifty years of septic tank duty!
Rayman: WHAT? NO! JUST TAKE ME OUT ALREADY!
Hoodblaster 2: Huh? But we don't have a-
Andre: Ix-nay on the eptic tank-say.
Rayman: This isn't justice! This is just crazy!
Andre: Well, duh. What do we look like, a bunch of high-class politicians to you?
Rayman: Well, not really, but you're just about as qualified as any of them.
-rimshot-
Rayman: So what do you really intend to do with me?
Andre: Septic tank duty. Were you even listening?
Rayman: You think I can't speak piglatin?
Andre: Aw, jeez! Fine. I sentence you to be shot by everyone.
Rayman: Crap! I never take the time to think these things through.
-As Rayman is being dragged out of the room, an explosion is heard-
Andre: Uh-oh! Hoodlums, be ready to defend our ground!
-A Teensie appears-
Teensie 6: Um, guys, you gotta get out of this room. We're fumigating it now.
-A large mass of green gas is seen descending upon the Hoodlums-
Andre: Oh, come on! Drat, I knew holding the trial in the Fairy Council itself was a bad idea.
Teensie 6: That reminds me. You're fifty thousand bucks in the hole. Pay up.
Andre: …You lucked out, Rayfreak. Come, my brothers! Let's just let this rube go and actually build a headquarters this time.
-Andre and all the Hoodlums exit-
Teensie 6: CHEAPSKATES! Rayman, you have to go after them! They're still in debt! Rayman? Hello?
-Rayman is unconscious on the ground-
Teensie 6: Oh right, the gas.
NOW THE STAKES HAVE BEEN RAISED, WHAT WILL BECOME OF THE HOODLUMS NOW THAT THE VERY BUDGET OF THE TEENSIES IS AT STAKE? JUST WHAT WAS THE HOODSTORMER REALLY GOING TO SAY? DO SURVEYS REALLY SHOW THAT YOU NEED A BRAIN TO LIVE? FIND OUT ON THE NEXT THRILLING CHAPTER OF-
Author: Hey, what do you think this is, Dragonball? We end a chapter with the standard note, you know! Say it or you're fired!
AW, BUT SAYING IT OVER AND OVER AGAIN WAS SO BORING… OH, FINE. BUT I'M GOING STRAIGHT TO THE UNION ABOUT THIS! TO BE CONTINUED…
…LOUSY JERK.