A/N: In case you didn't read the description, this is a CRACK fic. It isn't to be taken seriously. The idea slapped me in the face, and the plot bunnies refused to leave me alone until I got it typed out. Figured it would be amusing to share. If it's got mistakes, sorry, I haven't edited it. I'm tired; it's almost 4 a.m. I might get back to edit at a later date. Enjoy!

The day the calamity started was nothing ostentatious. It was a calm day, one that was borderline boring to the point of sleep inducing.

Naruto had escaped the orphanage and was prowling the streets with cautious excitement. It was mid afternoon, and muffled yelling snagged Naruto's interest. He snuck up to the corner of a building and peeked around the corner. A woman was yelling at a man whose face was flushed and was swaying dangerously on his feet. Despite the fact the woman was clearly irate and gesturing sharply at the man, the man was grinning at her widely. When she paused to take a breath, the man did something entirely unexpected.

He kissed her.

She was so startled, she completely froze with one hand in the air and expression stiff in stunned shock.

It wasn't a long kiss. It was artfully timed, both in its initiation and it's length. It was barely two breaths before the man pulled away and gave her a cheerful wave as he sauntered off down the street. "See you later, sweetheart." He hummed thoughtfully to himself, even as his drunken gait threatened to send him sprawling in the dirt.

Naruto watched in stunned awe, taking in the man's attire and gleaming headband.

Even drunk, the man noticed the little blond. He gave the kid a broad grin. "Hey, kid."

Naruto's eyes widened, unused to being greeted so kindly. He beamed back. "That was amazin'! How'd you do it?! I mean, she was yellin', and like, screamin', and!" He paused to take a big breath. "She just...stopped!" His arms pinwheeled and his blue eyes gleamed with excitement.

The man chuckled, gently ushering the blond around the corner and out of sight of the woman, whom he knew would regain her wits in short order and be out for his head for the stunt he just pulled. Best be out of sight before that.

"It's an art, kid," intoned the man, amused that the kid was hanging on his every word. "See, it's all about distraction." He leaned close like he was imparting great wisdom, white hair fluttering in the afternoon breeze. "A kiss is a powerful weapon," he remarked, holding up a finger in mock seriousness. "It should never be taken lightly or used without solid intent."

"Intent?" Queried Naruto, confused.

"You have to mean it, kid." The man gave him a grave look. "A kiss is important. You don't want to do it without really meaning it."

Naruto was still a little confused, but he nodded anyway. "Okay!"

The man grinned again. "A kiss is super strong," he repeated. "It can open and close a lot of doors. You just have to know how to use it properly." He winked. "A kiss should always be timed right. You never want to lean in too early or too late. You have to time it perfectly, when it has the most impact!" The man clenched his fist in determination, voice heavy with conviction. "It's also important to make sure the kiss isn't too long or too short! It has to be just right in length! It has to leave a person stuck between choices and breathless at the same time!" He paused to squat down next to the blond again, holding up a finger in warning. "Don't forget the placement is super important too! You need to know if a kiss on the cheek is the correct move, or if you need to be more bold and put it elsewhere!" The man blushed heavily, a perverted grin stealing across his visage.

"Wow! Really?!" Naruto's young mind was imprinting every word into his memory, quite impressed that a ninja could over-power someone with such a simple tool!

"Yup!" The man nodded sagely, rubbing his chin with a confident grin. "It's all about affect! Every weapon should be used with that in mind! It's why ninja are so dangerous!" The man laughed boisterously. "And a kiss is the most dangerous of all!" He thrust his arm into the air with enthusiasm. "Never forget, the kiss is the perfect distraction!"

The man was too drunk to realize what he was saying to a kid much too young to be hearing such things. He also didn't think to add that this was a method he used solely on romantic interests.

Let's just be frank, there were a lot of things missing in that speech, a speech that shouldn't be happening for a kid not even in puberty yet.

And Naruto, used to being treated stiffly or downright mean, took the free lesson to heart because there was no malice behind it. That, and he'd seen how effective it could be.

A screech filled the road the two of them were walking away from, and the man shifted uneasily. "That's my signal to scoot." He patted Naruto on the head. "And you should remember that any kiss like that means you need to avoid that person for a day or two to let them cool off." He started to jog sloppily towards the nearest building. "One last thing!" He paused and turned back towards the little blond. "The best kisses are always remembered!" He winked and then, with a wobbly jump, disappeared over the top of the building.

Naruto clenched his tiny fists with a wide excited smile. He would learn this dangerous technique! He would master it! He would show everyone how awesome he was!

Hiruzen was a little baffled when his anbu informed him that Naruto was carrying around a notebook and pencil to write things in at odd moments. They reported that the little blond was oddly quiet sometimes and stared off into the distance with an adorably serious expression, and they couldn't figure out why.

They honestly couldn't read the kid's handwriting, and there didn't seem to be anything interesting going on when they looked.

Hiruzen decided to take Naruto out for some ramen. Naruto had frozen in the middle of the street, staring down it with an odd amount of serious concentration. Hiruzen attempted to see what was so interesting, but nothing seemed out of the ordinary on the busy street. When he looked back at Naruto, the little blond was scribbling something in his little orange notebook. When he finished, he closed it with a small *pamf* and turned to beam up at Hiruzen.

"Let's go, gramps!" Naruto started dragging him towards their destination.

Hiruzen was bemused, but allowed the blond to pull him forward. He still didn't see anything odd along the street. There was the normal hustle and bustle, and a young couple in love. Really, nothing dangerous or weird.

Hiruzen sighed softly to himself, deciding he'd let the anbu try and figure it out as he really didn't have the time.

When the odd behavior became the norm, without any seeming consequence, Hiruzen decided to dismiss it.

The first sign of the lurid twist of fate occurred in the academy several years later.

Naruto had well earned his place as the odd wildcard, the kid who made a mess of things ninety percent of the time. He wasn't sure if some of the kids were friends or just people he could hang out with from time to time. He was sure that pretty much the entire class thought he was a joke.

But it was time. He'd done it! All his hard work would pay off! He could now utilize his most dangerous weapon!

"Naruto! That was disgusting!" Shouted Ino, not impressed at all by the handful of whoopee cushions that had gone off when the class had sat down. Ino had seen the look of horror on Sakura's face when she'd sat on one, and even though they weren't 'friends' anymore, Ino couldn't stand to see the tears that started to brim in the pinkette's eyes.

Naruto had howled with laughter, gleeful he'd managed to get six people at once. He turned to her with a wide grin. "Aw, come on Ino! That was classic!"

"No it wasn't!" She bellowed, stomping to his seat to hover over him threateningly. "Jeez, can't you, like, grow up for five minutes!"

Everyone knew what was coming. Ino was famous for her rants. Once she got started, she was almost impossible to derail.

It was the perfect moment.

Naruto leaned up and planted a butterfly kiss on her cheek. The entire class froze in hushed shock. Naruto pulled away and gave the blond girl a sweet smile. "You're a lot prettier when you smile. I did that so you'd smile." And then he calmly stood and sauntered out of the classroom while whistling a jaunty tune.

Iruka came in a couple minutes later and was caught flat footed by the absolute silence permeating the room. "Weird," he muttered, half tempted to walk right back out the door. After all, his class had never been known to be quiet. If anything, his bunch were the loudest in the academy.

Naruto didn't show up for class until two days later. Iruka couldn't figure out why Ino started spluttering when Naruto barreled in five minutes late for class and Iruka berated him for it. She was also quite flushed, and he worried if he needed to send her to see the nurse.

Naruto was starving. He'd missed breakfast because his alarm didn't go off. Since he had been running late, he had also forgotten his lunch back in his apartment. On top of that, he'd been held back an extra fifteen minutes to clean up his latest prank. It meant he didn't have time to run home to grab said food and get back in time for class.

To make matters worse, Kiba was bragging about the extras his mother always packed him. The fanged boy had managed to eat nearly half his lunch when Naruto made it outside and heard him.

It took two minutes for Naruto to lose his cool.

He stood up sharply and marched right over to the feral boy, ignoring Shikamaru's lazy glance and Choji's curious head tilt. The blond paused only long enough to squint down at the boy with a scowl, getting the brown haired boy to pause and look up at him in confusion.

Without any preamble, Naruto planted a loud sloppy kiss on one of Kiba's face tattoos. "That's so nice of you to share!" Naruto slipped the bento from the stunned boy's grasp and cheerfully started digging in. "Wow! Your mom's a great cook! You totally need to get her an awesome gift!" He walked away with a congenial wave over his shoulder.

Choji's was stuck mid-bite, mouth hanging open. Shikamaru was wide awake, staring blankly at Naruto's retreating back. Kiba looked like he'd been turned to stone, and everyone outside remained stunned mute.

Iruka was pissed when his entire class showed up late for class after lunch. He was so frustrated, he completely missed the fact that Naruto hadn't shown up at all.

Naruto glared at Sasuke. The raven haired boy remained seated but on high alert, just daring Naruto to take a swing.

Ino and Sakura had been fighting over a seat next to Sasuke again. Naruto was fed up with it. He really didn't understand what they saw in Sasuke, as the raven haired teen didn't give anyone the time of day. If anything, Sasuke was downright cruel to treat everyone as insignificant annoying distractions.

Naruto had been roughly yanked out of his chair and thrown to the floor, a sacrifice to Sasuke's emo-charm.

The blond had dusted himself off and moved to crouch on the desk in front of Sasuke, scrutinizing him through narrowed eyes. Sasuke had tensed at the obvious threat in Naruto's posture, lowering his hands from his face so he was more able to defend or attack. He would never admit aloud that he felt Naruto was an actual threat and therefore wouldn't be caught unprepared if Naruto decided to make a move. The rare times Naruto had landed a blow had hurt, and Sasuke wasn't willing to endure that on any repeat occasions.

Therefore, he was completely bewildered when Naruto grabbed him by the front of his shirt and hauled him out of his seat, effortlessly brushing his punch aside. The feeling of warm, smooth lips pressed against his completely short circuited his brain, as out of all the attacks Sasuke was expecting, this one hadn't even been a passing thought.

As he started regaining his bearings for a counter attack, indignant fury filling his veins with fire, the feeling of a tongue invading his mouth immediately sapped his body of any strength as his brain tried to comprehend what was happening and who it was happening with.

Ino and Sakura had just about been ready to yank the blond away when the kiss was unexpectedly deepened, making everyone go numb with shock for a second time.

It was long, thorough, and when Naruto pulled back, Sasuke looked like Naruto had sucked out his soul.

Naruto hummed thoughtfully. "Yup, still don't know what they see in you. Nothin' special there." Naruto eased Sasuke into his seat, mindful that if the raven haired boy was jarred he would snap out of his catatonic state and be committed to murder. "Now, Hinata's kisses are awesome. You should take some lessons. Maybe it will help." Naruto patted Sasuke's cheek, completely ignorant of the fact that Hinata had gotten tomato red and fainted.

Naruto made short work of disappearing out the window before Iruka came in. He didn't need to be murdered by Sasuke and then deal with Iruka trying to keep him on task, after all.

Iruka, for his part, was flummoxed by the catatonic state of his class. He'd tried to snap everyone out of it, but the only reaction he got was a very sick looking Sasuke shakily leaving the room without saying a single word. The rest of the class watched him go with pitying looks.

Realizing it was a lost cause, soon to be exam or not, Iruka simply gathered his things and left. He wasn't dealing with this BS today. He just wasn't.

All it took was for Naruto to see the orange book.

Not only was his new Sensei dissing him by reading, he was reading that book!

Screw it! If the silver haired jounin wanted to play it that way, Naruto would show him!

Naruto charged with a yell, fist cocked back and ready for a haymaker of epic proportions.

As expected, Kakashi dodged. No matter what Naruto threw at him, Kakashi easily sidestepped every attack until he lazily kicked Naruto and sent him flying backwards into the water.

Kakashi waited calmly. As predicted, Naruto came charging at him a second time. The Jounin was only faintly impressed that the blond had been smart enough to use the water to hide the use of Kage Bunshin when Kakashi dispatched the clone that attacked him, and now suddenly had half a dozen more to deal with. Just as he was preparing to handle the first clone, a squeal off to the left gave everyone in the field pause.

"Oooo! Is that what I think it is?!" A busty brunette came bouncing out of the tree line, dark eyes intent upon the book in Kakashi's hand.

"Hey! Kiki! Go away! You're messing everything up!" Naruto was scowling at the newcomer, pointing an accusing finger at her.

The brunette rolled her eyes. "Relaaaax Naruto. You missed breakfast and didn't pack a lunch, so I got worried and decided to come find you."

"I told you I had a test today!" Argued Naruto, looking furious.

Kakashi watched in faint amusement, curious where Naruto had met the woman and how long they'd known each other.

The woman sighed, still making steady progress over to Kakashi. She glanced at the book bashfully. "Um, I'm a huge fan of the series." She glanced up at him through her lashes hopefully. "Could I...take a peek?"

Kakashi chuckled. "I'm at the part where Sana steals a kiss," admitted Kakashi, a little amazed that a woman was interested in the series. He tilted the book slightly to show her the page number.

"Kiki!" Screeched Naruto. "Stop flirting! He's my Sensei!" He sounded positively mortified.

"Maybe Sensei," corrected Kakashi, glancing over at the blond. He noticed mid-motion that Kiki had been leaning towards him.

As he finished the motion, the kiss that would have landed on his covered lips, instead landed on the corner of his mouth as a pair of arms looped around his.

"Aww," breathed a voice in his ear, making his body go completely rigid in shock as a pair of soft breasts cradled his captive arm, "I was really hoping to be as successful as Sana." Fingers lightly trailed up his arm, down his back and fluttered across his waist. "Oh well, I better go before Naruto has a conniption."

Kiki pulled away and waggled her fingers at Kakashi's dumbfounded eye in farewell, sashaying back the way she'd come.

Naruto was spitting mad, completely ignoring Kakashi as he raced after Kiki's departing figure to tell her off for trying to corrupt his Sensei.

It took Kakashi forty seconds to realize the bells were missing. It took Sasuke eighty two. Sakura found out they were missing when Naruto handed her one. She was ready to beat the stuffing out of him when it occurred to her that 'Kiki' must have been a clone, as no one else had been close enough to take them.

Naruto kissed her on the forehead, completely derailing her line of thinking.

"We'll be an awesome team!" He said jubilantly.

Sasuke barreled into the little clearing, having heard Sakura's indignant screech when she'd realized Naruto's clone had kissed Kakashi. Kakashi sauntered after him, not quite sure how to finish the test after a single student bested him so epically.

"Naruto!" Sasuke seethed, glaring furiously at the bell in the blond's hand.

Naruto rolled his eyes. "Jeez, no need to be so jealous." Naruto casually tossed the bell to Sasuke. "I didn't forget about you."

Kakashi was poleaxed. No one would ever believe him.

That aside...

No-one would ever hear about this.

"You realize this is private property, right?" Commented a voice.

Naruto froze awkwardly mid-step. He flailed a moment in an attempt to keep his balance, but ended up falling over with a startled squawk. He quickly hopped to his feet, hiding the bag of pranking supplies behind his back while rubbing his head sheepishly at the older teen in front of him. "Ah, um, I got lost?"

Hana was not impressed. She'd spent twelve long hours at the clinic today, and she wasn't really in the mood for intruders. She wondered, briefly, if Kiba might know him. They looked about the same age, and the kid was wearing a forehead protector. "You can get in serious trouble being in here uninvited." She gave him a flat stare, secretly amused when it made the kid squirm.

"S-sorry!"

Hana sighed, holding out her hand. "Hand it over."

Naruto blinked up at her. "Huh?"

"You know what. The bag. Hand it over."

He squinted at her, taking a cautious step back. "Why?"

Hana rolled her eyes. "Kid, I know what's in there." She tapped her nose when he looked ready to protest. "Seriously. I know. Now quit whining and hand it over."

He pouted, scuffing his feet on the floor until he was just barely close enough for her to grab the bag as he thrust it in her direction.

"What were you planning to do with this?" She asked, reminded distinctly of Kiba as he continued to sulk.

"Kiba was being a jerk to Hinata," muttered the blond.

Hana blinked. "He was?" She sounded skeptical, but really, she wouldn't put it past Kiba. He could be foolish at times, usually when he spoke without thinking.

Naruto nodded vigorously. "Yeah! He was totally bragging about how strong he was, and how, like, girls weren't as strong as guys, so they should be the support on the team!" Naruto huffed. "But Hinata-chan is awesome! If she wasn't worried about hurting her teammates, she'd be kickin' their asses!"

Hana dug into the bag and removed all the stink bombs. She checked the rest and nodded. She handed it back. "As long as it all stays in his room." She gave him a sharp look. "No stink bombs. Ever. I live here too, and I don't want to have to deal with it because my brother was being an idiot."

A cacophony of noise, Kiba's startled yelp, and the sudden telltale smell of stink bombs permeated the air.

Naruto gave Hana a sheepish smile when she turned to glare at him. She moved to grab him.

"The hell Naruto?!" Bellowed Kiba as he came stumbling into the main room, frantically trying to wipe away the water streaming from his burning eyes. He was also covered in a decent amount of glue, glitter, and...pink feathers.

The small hesitation due to Kiba's distraction was all Naruto needed to dodge her hand and press a quick peck to her cheek. "Thanks Sis!" He jumped up and grabbed the edge of the roof. "Sorry about the smell! I'll remember for next time!" He gave her a cheeky grin and disappeared as Kiba spluttered.

"That's my sister!" Roared Kiba, barreling out the door to give chase.

Hana sighed in exasperation, having been completely caught off guard by the unexpected brotherly kiss. Kiba had weird friends.

She shook her head with a faint smile as she headed outside. It was a good day to go camping, let the house air out a bit.

Haku had never felt terrified before. There were a lot of frightening things one observed when following the life of a ninja. Haku was no exception to that rule, even if he did his damndest to avoid committing any serious sins himself.

The vile...chakra filling the air, however, was terrifying. Dread and fear coiled in his gut, and he found himself momentarily ready to run away. He reaffirmed his commitment to Zabuza, but it chilled him to realize that anything had been powerful enough to shake his devotion. Still, he hesitated, unsure what to do against such a suddenly daunting foe.

Haku took a fortifying breath and attacked.

The blond quickly proved that such an action was useless. Haku attempted to recoup, to find any sort of weakness…

Only to be punched so hard in the face his mask split in two and his daunting ice mirror shattered by his own body flying through it.

Haku staggered to his feet, watching listlessly as the red coated missile barreled towards him. He was prepared for death. He was secretly relieved it would be quick.

When the attack halted inches from his face, he was honestly frustrated. "What are you doing? That isn't enough to kill me."

"Why?" Naruto visibly shook, fist still extended.

Haku explained. His chest felt tight at the idea that, if the two of them had met under different circumstances, they could have been friends. "I killed your friend. Finish it."

Naruto grit his teeth, fist rearing back. Yes, Haku was prepared for death, a good death to help Zabuza fulfill his dream. He closed his eyes.

Haku wasn't prepared for the attack to be a desperate pair of lips. Haku's limbs locked up as his eyes snapped open in disbelief. Naruto's fingers tangled in his hair, pulling him closer as the blond seemed to pour every ounce of his heart into the kiss.

When the blond finally pulled away, Kakashi had already thrust Chidori through Zabuza's shoulder, who semi dodged at the last second.

Naruto's blue eyes shimmered as tears silently ran down his cheeks. "You're breaking my heart."

Haku stared at him breathlessly, completely floored. He had no idea how to respond to that, how to feel about someone who cared so deeply about him.

Gato showed up, making snarky comments and admitting he hadn't planned on paying them.

Haku was still too stunned to react, watching mutely as Zabuza called a truce between the Konoha team and themselves.

Zabuza was about to launch himself at the horde of mercenaries with nothing but a kunai between his teeth, right up until a sudden tide of orange swarmed past him and started ripping into the bandits in fury. All of the orange midgets were screaming obscenities at Gato, half of which Zabuza couldn't even understand in all the chaos. Kakashi shambled up beside him, both staring in silence as the blond beat the crap out of every bandit in reach.

When Gato tried running, the real Naruto had pounced on him, punching at him wildly as tears continued to stream down his cheeks.

The bandits, the ones not dealing with an angry mob of Naruto clones, started to turn on the other injured ninja when Inari and the villagers showed up. The bandits decided it was safer to hoof it out of there than deal with the mess.

Kakashi calmly walked over and picked up Naruto, who was still spitting out garbled curses and swinging blindly at the crumpled and unconscious Gato. He pulled him close, keeping the boy pinned to his chest until his rage and energy were sapped and he was left sniffling and muttering faint threats at Gato's downed figure.

Zabuza used that time to shuffled over to Haku, who still hadn't moved. Zabuza was a little weirded out that the teen's gaze had yet to leave the short blond kid, even when Kakashi hauled him away from Gato's battered form. The pink haired brat was crying all over her other teammate, who was just waking up and wondering what the hell was going on.

"Haku, let's go." Zabuza glared down at his sword, frustrated he couldn't carry it himself. He blinked when he realized that Haku hadn't responded or moved to do as he asked. "Haku."

"You're shoulder is completely destroyed," began Haku, his voice flat and emotionless. "Without your left arm, you will not be able to fend off the Hunter nin."

Zabuza stared at him.

Kakashi was slowly walking in their direction, giving them ample time to get their crap and get lost. The short blond's eyes were still wet with unshed tears as he resolutely scowled at the ground, hanging limply in Kakashi's arms.

Zabuza let out a loud curse. "I hate you." He glared at the two Konoha ninja.

Haku smiled faintly.

Three weeks later, Hiruzen would be banging his head on his desk for ever considering introducing Zabuza to Anko.

Neji still didn't understand it. The Inuzuka had been cocky, but as soon as Naruto had gotten close, the boy had freaked out. This had happened repeatedly during their preliminary match, and Neji still couldn't find a single jutsu or technique the blond had in his arsenal to garner such a response. The blond still won by the skin of his teeth and a ridiculous amount of luck.

Their fight in the final rounds of the chunin exam were also yet to show anything worthy of note. The annoying blond still didn't have anything remotely effective for a close range assault to be worrisome, despite the fact that Hinata had given him a decidedly odd smile when he'd voiced that opinion aloud two days ago.

Neji had admittedly tried goading the blond into revealing whatever supposed skill made him so fearsome that even the brash Inuzuka backed off. His patience was wearing thin, however, as clearly the blond didn't have anything hidden up his sleeve.

Still, he hadn't expected to use the Hyuga ultimate defense. That was a surprise.

Naruto again attempted to breech Neji's rotation, only to get flung away again.

"See? It's impossible. You're fated to lose. Stop wasting energy and give up." Neji stood proudly, arms up, alert but calm. He was fine. Everything was fine. The idiot wouldn't be able to touch him.

"Yeah right!" Naruto bounced to his feet and summoned a handful of clones. All of them charged at once.

Neji rolled his eyes, irritated that the fool was trying the same trick thrice. He performed his rotation, watching with satisfaction as the clones were destroyed.

When he stopped, however, Naruto wasn't anywhere in sight.

A kunai at his feet exploded in smoke, Naruto suddenly very much inside Neji's defenses. Before the Hyuga could even begin to launch an attack, Naruto had thrust the teen's arm away as the other flicked Neji's headband off his head in one swift motion.

The entire arena was filled with startled gasps.

Unseen, a faint smirk flickered across Hinata's visage. Hiashi choked on his own spit.

Naruto's lips softly left Neji's re-revealed seal. The blond pulled back to stare the older teen in the eye. "Don't freak out over a seal that can be removed, even if it isn't right away." The somber tone of the blond's voice and the soul wrenching sorrow in his blue eyes was staggering. "Some of us don't get that luxury." His hand unconsciously clenched on Neji's shoulders before the blond sighed. "I'm sorry." He held a kunai to Neji's undefended neck.

"Winner, Naruto Uzumaki!"

Neji stared blankly at the orange clad genin as he danced around the arena like a fool.

What the hell just happened?

Later, when Hinata came to visit him while he was getting treated, she had given him that odd grin again. "You've been subjected to Naruto's Ultimate Distraction Tactic."

Despite all his training in decorum and ruthless adherence to controlled expression, he flopped backwards onto the bed with a loud groan.

Hinata just giggled.

A/N: Just an FYI, I am not really planning on continuing this. It was fun to write, but I am currently trying to update Team 7's Secret Motto, so I don't think this one is going to see more chapters at this time. Maybe later WAY in the future, but for now, I'm pretty happy where it ended. Also, the current length has soothed the plot bunnies, so I can actually sleep now.