Chapter Fifty-Four: Wish

"You have the most impeccable timing," Vader commented as soon as he answered Ahsoka's comm, and her image came up as he prepared a shuttle to go down to the surface of Naboo.

Two weeks out from when he and his master would arrive on the planet for Empire Day, Vader traveled to Naboo under the pretense of one final meeting with the Moff of the sector and his immediate subordinates about their security measures for the week. An unnecessary fool's errand, as far as the Emperor was concerned, but all the more for Vader to be absolved from blame when the rebellion underwent their attack.

"Am I interrupting something?" Ahsoka asked, raising an eye marking in a way that signaled she wasn't too concerned.

"Not yet. What has gone wrong now that we need to fix?"

Ahsoka shrugged. "I'm probably getting on everyone's nerve coordinating our debut, but everything's fine. I didn't contact you to discuss any pressing matter. Not Rebellion or Imperial related, anyway."

"What did the twins do now?" Vader asked.

She'd relayed to him weeks ago that she was having trouble with the two children acting out in protest that come Empire Day, they would be moved from Alderaan. It had been a wise gamble early in the Empire to keep two strongly force-sensitive children in the Core. But Alderaan and the Core worlds would be facing increased security once the Rebellion revealed itself and eliminated one of the Empire's allies. The risk of them being discovered would be exponentially higher in the coming weeks, even with all the precautions Vader knew Ahsoka and the Alderaanian monarchy took to hide them.

The twins exhibited wisdom and understanding far beyond their years, given the nature and arrangement of their family dynamic. They'd learned from an early age to keep secrets and how to divert people's attention away from oddities that might give those secrets away. But every now and then, they reminded Ahsoka and Vader that they were still children who didn't understand the full gravity of the danger they were in by virtue of who their parents were. And because of that lack of understanding, they were prone to the emotional outbursts of children their age.

Leia, in particular, reminded them yet again of just how much she'd taken after him. She'd tried to remain calm at first, but when she realized that no argument she or Luke could give would change Ahsoka's mind, Leia threw a tantrum the likes of which Vader had, fortunately, never experienced and that Ahsoka hadn't seen in years. She spouted hurtful words and accusations, blaming Ahsoka for her heavy involvement with the Rebellion, stomped to her room, and didn't talk to Ahsoka for days. Luke, much less spiteful than his sister, would never say the things Leia was bold enough to, but he certainly seemed to share her sentiment. He resigned himself to Ahsoka's decision before joining his sister. He hadn't entirely given Ahsoka the silent treatment, but he had sulked around and not gone out of his way to interact with her.

When she told him what had happened, Ahsoka shrugged it off while trying to hide the fact that she seemed ready to cry. Knowing better than anyone that Ahsoka had as much of a stubborn sense of pride as he did, Vader refrained from pointing it out and told her she'd made the right call instead.

"I know," she'd said, and he got the brief humming sensation across their bond before she realized what she was doing and stopped.

The twins had since apologized, if not forgiven her. Still, they, especially Leia, were prone to subtle acts of rebellion in protest. If this was any indication of what they would be like as teenagers, Force help him and Ahsoka both. Especially Ahsoka since she was their primary parent. He would never be able to repay the debt to her.

"The twins have actually been behaving well this week. I'm not calling to talk about them either."

"Then what is it?"

"I…" She trailed off and averted her gaze.

Vader would never fail to be amazed how in one moment, she could be a confident, unbothered, and graceful general, but in the next, she was sometimes the shy and uncertain teenager she'd been when they first met.

"I just wanted to talk," she blurted out. She hastily added, "Not long. Just really quickly."

Vader paused. While Ahsoka hadn't been giving him the silent treatment, she'd only spoken with him in the last few weeks as far as the line of duty went. Coordinating the movement of soldiers. Asking which hyperspace lanes and routes they would least likely be caught on. Imperial military infrastructure so she could organize the Rebellion's attack on Hutt Space and prepare for the Imperial response. Even when there was opportunity, she didn't allow herself to slip into their usual banter, not even to fight him when she disagreed. Somehow, it was worse than when they met again after the Empire rose.

If he were a better man, he would have understood her apprehension and not pointed that out.

He wasn't a better man.

"I thought you didn't want to talk to me."

"I didn't. I mean, I did. I just wasn't sure how. And I couldn't figure that out with your presence looming over me. I just needed to do some thinking without you."

"Are you calling me overbearing?"

"That's news to you?" she asked. "Not just that, though. It's just…you've consumed a very large part of my life. It's hard for me to remember a time you weren't there because it's almost like that person wasn't me. Sometimes, I don't even know where you end and I begin."

As he landed his shuttle, Vader was unsure of what to do with that statement. It sounded something like a confession, but it was also just a matter-of-fact. A plain truth that had never been secret.

"Did it help? The space?" he asked.

"No. Breha did."

"Breha. Queen Breha?"

"Yeah. She's… She's known about you for a while now. I'm going to introduce you to her one day. She doesn't have a very great impression of you no matter what I tell her, but I think you'll get a kick out of her enough to like her," Ahsoka said with a fond smile.

Vader made a noncommittal sound in response. They would see about that.

"Anyway. I just wanted to let you know…" Ahsoka shook her head. "We'll talk more about everything later."

"We will," Vader agreed.

Ahsoka gave one more shy smile before disconnecting the call.

Vader stared contemplatively at the place where her image had just been before shaking his head and leaving his shuttle. Like she'd said. Later.

Vader walked through the Imperial military personnel hanger deck, ignoring stormtroopers and officers that were milling about standing to attention. He chose a speeder and made his way out into the streets of Theed, purposely not drawing attention to himself with his more theatric driving. He parked in a discreet place once he got to his destination. Far from most people's notice but noticeable enough for any of Palpatine's spies who might be watching and waiting for him to make an appearance to report back to the Emperor. He carefully walked past the sacred graves of the cemetery, making sure to stay on the cobbled stone paths as to not accidently step on a grave. The Naboo were very superstitious about such things. He followed it all the way to the mausoleum in the back where he knew Padmé's grave to lay.

As one of Naboo's favored queens, the mausoleum where her body lay reminded Vader of a small temple altar to make an offering rather than a gravesite. It was isolated from the rest of the graves, the ground for about a twenty-foot radius settled with beautiful Naboo marble of light teal blues with specks of red. On a raised stone platform in the center, right above where the body laid, was a beautiful stained glass painting of Padmé in one of her elaborate queen outfits.

A gate encircled the painting, blocking visitors from getting too close and deterring them from accidentally desecrating the grave. Vader didn't care. He walked past it and knelt before the painting, reaching out to touch the delicate-looking but certainly reinforced glass.

He remembered when he learned she had passed. For hours, he'd watched and rewatched her funeral procession, convinced he'd killed her and their child along with her. Every time he watched it, a small part of his old self died, over and over again until there was nothing left to kill. His former life was gone. He'd destroyed everything and everyone in it to save the one thing that had mattered most and failed. He expected no one to forgive him for it, nor did he want their forgiveness. He was convinced he'd never be happy or content again. And if he had to suffer, so did the entire galaxy for the transgression. He let the dark side make him a monster.

How things had changed since then.

Vader discovered that while his actions might have led to Padmé's death, they hadn't led to the death of their children—the manifestation of their forbidden and ill-fated romance, survived not because of his actions, but despite them. And since that discovery, he'd spent every waking moment toward making a galaxy to ensure that they would not only continue to survive but thrive.

He'd never visited the memorial before. Watching the funeral procession had been enough. The one time he had the desire to was when he'd brought the twins to Naboo. But even as risk-prone as that trip had been, he knew it wouldn't be a good idea to visit. Not many people remembered Anakin Skywalker anymore. But all it would take would be for the wrong person to get a glimpse of him, holding the hands of two small children, for things to have unraveled spectacularly. Even if he'd been heedless enough to think it might be fine, he was sure Ahsoka would have put her foot down and physically fought him before she let him. There would be time for bringing Luke and Leia here later when they'd defeated Palpatine and taken his Empire. His visitation, though, was long overdue.

He opened his mouth to speak and then groaned. He was not doing this with the mask of Vader, the mask that everyone knew as Vader. So he wrapped the dark side of Force around him in such a way that if anyone came by, they'd see nothing truly remarkable except a vague sense of a shadow that they'd want to get away from. Then he removed the helmet and mask and set it aside.

He wasn't naïve enough to think removing the two pieces would make him any less Vader, the new version of him that Padmé had ultimately rejected. But all the same…

"Hello, Padmé. I know it took a long time to come see you."

He placed his gloved hand back on the stained painting, allowing long-suppressed memories of a life that was no longer his to resurface.

It was a beautiful image of her, but not the image of beauty that came to mind when he thought about her. When he thought of her, he saw beautiful brown curls cascading down her shoulders and a beautiful glowing smile lighting up her face. Just like she'd been the evening after she revealed her pregnancy to him.

"I…"

Force. He felt like he needed to say so much. So much that he should have said and didn't over the course of their marriage. So much that he should have done, could have done to be a better husband to her. Things Padmé never would have asked of him but should have, even though she shouldn't have needed to.

Finally, he settled on, "I'm sorry."

And truly, he was. For everything he'd ever done to hurt her. Willingly and out of spiteful jealousy that the Republic and her job as a Senator seemed to get more time with her than he was able to steal away. Unwillingly because he'd been so unwilling to listen to her when she tried to get him to see from her point of view that at some point over those short years, she'd just stopped talking much about things to do with the war and politics at all. That hadn't left them with much to talk about, considering the war and politics consumed their lives and those things were so intricately connected to Padmé's passions and desires. She tried to bring the topic up towards the end of the war, in the last days of her pregnancy, but again he'd rebuffed her. Maybe if he had listened…

Vader shook his head. It might have changed nothing.

Still.

"I'm sorry. I'm sorry I stole the chance for you to raise Luke and Leia. Ahsoka's their mother now. She's raised them a lot more than I've ever had the chance to. She's kept them safe for us and taught them well. Different than you probably would have, but she's doing a good job. They're as wonderful as you knew they would be." Vader paused. "She and I are working together to stop Palpatine, and once we do, I'm going to make her the Empress."

Vader hesitated and then added, "I know you championed democracy and the Republic, and if you were here, I know you would have made it work. But right now… Right now, I don't think that's what the galaxy needs. It won't be like Palpatine's Empire. Ahsoka won't let that happen. But… well, it won't be the Republic again. I'm sorry if that disappoints you."

As Sabé liked to say, they had to live for the living. The galaxy would be unstable as it was. To force the Empire into a complete and utter surrender to go back to the ways of the Republic was practically inviting another war.

"But we're going to try to compromise. To listen to the other side. Just like you wanted," Vader groaned with a hard roll of his eyes.

May the gods help him when the Empire and the Rebellion did sit down for a truce. Just listening to some of the things Ahsoka told him about enraged him. He was going to lose all patience and threaten someone at least a dozen times before they came to agreement about how to best run the galaxy.

"I wish…"

Vader wasn't actually sure what he wished anymore when it came to Padmé. For the longest, he'd wished she were still alive, that she was still here with them. That he could undo the damage he'd done to her. Now, he had very conflicted feelings about that.

He would probably never admit it in as many words to anyone, not even to Ahsoka herself, but he liked whatever it was he had with her now. Liked the potential of whatever it was that was far beyond friendship that was blossoming between them. By no means would they ever be a typical or traditional couple. Even on their best days, they could be rivals, enemies, allies, friends, and every other way to describe a relationship with someone wrapped up in one. And Force knew he would never have the words to explain that to anyone. But his and Ahsoka's entire relationship was atypical and untraditional from the moment they'd met, and Vader had never been one to do anything a particular way because tradition mandated it. Having Padmé back would undoubtedly complicate matters more. Besides, if she hadn't died, his relationship with Ahsoka would have never evolved in the way it had.

Vader frowned. That almost felt like saying he was glad Padmé had died. Stuck between wishing Padmé hadn't died and yet not wanting to lose what he'd gained, even through all the trauma and loss, Vader sighed.

"I wish I could just have one more conversation with you. A real one. Nothing off-limits. I wish I could talk to you, and you could talk to me one more time, and I could tell you I was sorry. That I never meant to hurt or disappoint you, regardless of whether you accepted it or not."

There was no feeling in the Force validating him or absolving him of his sins and guilt. Just silence and the stillness of the memorial. Vader hadn't expected anything more.

He picked up the pieces to his mask and helmet, starting to turn away from the memorial. He stopped, though, and looked back at the stained glass.

"I'm going to try not to mess things up this time." He shook his head. "I'm not going to mess things up this time. Not with Palpatine or the Empire or the twins. Not with Ahsoka. I promise."

With that, he put back on his mask and helmet and left.

Now to start a war.

AN: 1) So about these last two chapters. I thought it was really important to show that both Vader and Ahsoka are finally putting Padmé to rest. Not to say that they still don't feel bad or guilty about how it all went down, but they're not going to let her shadow loom over them.

2) Also, this is probably the first time that we get a sense that Vader might regret a lot more than just that Padmé died. Not that he's going to outright admit that for a long time.

Anywho, hope you enjoyed. Review, please. I enjoy and appreciate your insights!