"Ben!" Rey cries out in her sleep and if he still could, he knows he would be weeping.

"I'm right here," he murmurs, hoping that this time she'll hear him.

But she doesn't, she never does, instead turning herself into a tight ball, her whole body shaking as the sobs wrack her slender frame.

He never wanted this when he saved her. He hadn't known. Dear gods, he hadn't known! He thought she'd find peace and they would be together in time. An eternity in the Force.

Now he simply feels selfish. She's turning into a husk of herself and he'd do anything, anything to take this pain into himself. If only he'd had the strength to face being without her in life. He supposes it doesn't matter. Here, there, they're both hollow.

Because he's trapped, somewhere between life and death. His mother says it's because of their bond, that he can't pass into the Force until she does. So he watches. Watches and dies again every day he can't comfort her.

"I'm fine, BB-8," Rey says to the little droid, but Ben knows she's lying. She's taken to keeping herself awake for as long as possible. The nightmares and good dreams seem to torture her in equal measure.

"It's time to move on." Rey starts to secure the Falcon for launch, lashing free boxes to the compartments, shutting all the hatches. She never stays in one place for long.

BB-8 chirps with concern and Rey responds, "It just is!" Then she sighs heavily as BB-8 backs away from her. "I'm sorry. I know you miss Poe, but I just … I just can't see them yet. Soon."

Rey sits heavily in the cockpit and stares out over the sharp mountains on Cathne and she gets that horrible blank look that she wears more and more. Ben can't remember the last time he saw her smile.

"Soon."

Ben wishes it were true.

He bends over to see what she's working on. Ah. Another drawing of him. Her journal is full of them and he's certain he never looked so handsome in his life. This time though, she's added her hands on his face and his non-existent heart tightens painfully.

A tear slips down her cheek and she breathes out, "I just wish we'd had time. If you'd only come with me on the Supremacy … a year. A whole year together. I'd give everything for that much time with you. Stars, Ben!"

Now she's crying in earnest. She doesn't let herself do this much, usually only giving in when her dreams rip her open.

"I wish I had," he whispers. He'd give everything for a year of touching her, too.

He, at least, knows he's with her. He can hear her, watch her, pretend he has some influence. But she is so alone, only a droid for company. Though, perhaps the droid is a good companion, not judging her strange hours and rapid run throughout the galaxy.

"I wish I could hold you, Rey." He approximates stroking her cheek and is shocked by the shudder that moves through her. Did she feel that? Is it possible?

But she only cries harder and he backs away. He can't bear to hurt her any more than he already has.

She sets aside her journal and hides her face in her hands.

"I thought she'd be happy … content," he laments to his mother. He can't go to her, but she frequently appears. It's almost as if she knows how much he needs her.

"Maybe she will be. She just needs more time."

"It's been months."

"She's used to pushing her pain away. She loves you."

He flinches and nods sadly. "I think I always loved her."

"Maybe you did. Force dyads are funny things. There haven't been enough of them to truly know what will happen."

"What if she's like this for the rest of her life? When we're together again she'll be so damaged. Force, she might hate me."

"You'll find a way, son. You're both so strong."

Ben laughs a sound with no mirth. His mother and father may have forgiven him, but he's not sure he'll ever forgive himself.

"Luke asks about you," she says, changing the subject.

A dark feeling passes through him and he shakes his head. "I'm still not ready to talk to him."

"Perhaps that's part of why you're still in this place," she muses.

"I don't want to be anywhere else! Here … here, at least, she's right there."

She makes a face then her lips thin. "I don't think this is good for you."

"I don't care," he nearly growls.

Leia's eyebrows shoot up, but then she just smiles that private smile he doesn't know how to interpret. "I'll be back soon," she offers as she fades.

He returns his attention to Rey.

She often picks desert planets; he's not sure why. Today she lands the Falcon on Quol. She packs up her satchel and he follows as she trudges down the ramp.

BB-8 makes a few annoyed whistles and Rey almost smiles. "I know you don't like sand much, but I promise I'll give you a nice oil soak when we get back."

Another hoot and Rey grows somber. "Maybe after this planet. I'm just not ready to be around people."

She's still a scavenger at heart and she's always collecting things as she travels. Be it parts for the ship, or just a pretty stone. Her collection is beginning to take over the shelves in the captain's quarters. Ben finds it charming.

"I wonder what it would be like to see the galaxy with you," Rey muses into the seemingly empty room.

"I'm here, gods, Rey, I'm right here." He places his hand over her heart, and she breathes in sharply.

"Sometimes I imagine you're with me. No, not sometimes. Always. I keep thinking I'll find you if I keep going. I'm finally seeing the galaxy and it means nothing. I wish … I wish …"

"What do you wish?" he entreats in vain.

Her shoulders heave sadly, and she blinks a few times, her eyes wet. "It doesn't matter …" she sighs.

He wants so much to be able to just talk with her! He can't even sense her properly any longer, so he's frequently guessing her moods.

She's so inscrutable, he'd thought she was going to be just fine that first week. He'd been almost hurt over it. She hadn't seemed to grieve, and he'd wondered if he'd imagined everything between them. Had she only kissed him out of gratitude?

But the night after she'd buried the sabers, she'd become hysterical. Screaming his name and beating her chest. It was the first time she'd brokenly admitted she loved him. Little BB-8 had been frantic to calm her, but it had been as if she couldn't hear him, falling to the deck, sobbing so hard he was afraid she'd stop breathing.

Since then she slips away a little more each day and the powerlessness is driving him near madness.

Peering at the hyperdrive coordinates, his mood instantly lifts. She's returning to her friends! Maybe the fog will finally lift.

As she waits for the Falcon to finish its jump, she pulls out her journal and starts another picture. This time, though, he can't manage his emotions when he realizes what she's drawing. It's them … but more than that, she's cradling a small bundle in her arms and everything inside him comes to a horrible crashing halt.

A family. Rey wanted a family? With him? He'd never … well he'd never let himself think much about the future, completely focused on finding her, convincing her to be with him. He'd been so stupid. If he'd only woken up earlier … maybe none of this would have happened.

Instead he has to watch as she traces the image with her fingers, and it's almost as if she's creating cracks in his soul with her fingertips.

"Rey," he sobs out.

"You're here!" Finn exclaims as he bounds up the ramp. He captures her in a huge hug and Ben ignores the pang in his chest. If only he could hold her in his arms like that … he'd never let her go.

He doesn't let himself remember their one kiss very often. It was full of such promise, and then … then he was in this place, with a body he can feel but no one can touch.

"Why did you stay away so long! It's almost been half a year!"

"I know … I just, with everything that happened …"

"You … you never told me what did happen," Finn says with poorly hidden hurt and Ben wonders why he'd ever hoped she'd return to her friends. Now that she's here he wants her all to himself again.

"I … I don't know how," Rey says in a hushed tone.

"Well come on, Poe set up a cantina for the base. We can talk there."

This is agony. The stormtrooper keeps touching her and it doesn't seem to bother her. Ben hadn't considered that being around people meant being around men and he's beginning to see a glaring issue.

What if she … what if she finds someone? Will he be forced to watch her have the children of another man? Is this his punishment for all of his sins? Is that why this has happened?

Oh hell, Finn just put his hand on her knee. At least this time she shifts away. She's on her third glass of knock-back and her cheeks are an appealing rosy shade. For a moment he gets lost in fantasy, imagining taking her out for a night on the town on Coruscant, getting drunk together while they take in the vibrant galaxy on display.

They would dance. They would kiss. They would end the evening … no, best not to think about that. About what he'll never have. What he can't give her.

"Rey …" Finn says with an imploring tone. "Please tell me."

She snorts. "You aren't gonna like it."

"It's kept you away for so long, I just need to know."

Sighing, Rey's shoulders slump and Ben realizes she's going to tell him. It makes him have a queer feeling in his belly, the thought of Finn knowing about their bond. It's … personal. He doesn't even really like talking to his mother about it. She looks at him in that knowing way that always leaves him feeling exposed.

"I …" Tears spring into her eyes and she shudders out, "First I need to explain about dyads in the Force …"

Finn sits back, stunned and Ben's arms are crossed over his chest. Getting it out had been hard for her, and the stormtrooper could at least try to make this easier for her. But instead, he has a stony look on his face.

Finally, Finn bursts out, "Kylo Ren?!"

"Shhh!" Rey snaps, swiping away the few tears that had formed as she'd recounted their bond. She didn't say a word about being a Palpatine, Ben noted.

"I just … Kylo Ren," he says with distaste.

For a moment, Ben is affronted, but then he remembers everything he did while wearing that mask and he knows he deserves this.

"Ben," Rey whispers, "I'm bonded to Ben."

"Ben, Kylo, what's the difference?"

"Everything," she hisses. "I don't know what happened, not really, but I know there's more to his story than we know."

Ben puts his hand over hers and she looks up quickly. "I wish I could tell you, sweetheart."

Then Finn makes a face. "What, you said 'bonded.' Didn't it go away?"

"No … at least I don't think so."

"But what does that mean? For you?"

"I … it means … it means I'll wake up every day with half of my soul," she says quietly.

"No, Rey …"

"It means I'll never be happy."

"Maybe you just need time?" Finn offers.

"I don't think I ever want to heal. At least the tear where he should be is still … him."

Finn looks at her for a long time and gathers her in for a close hug. For once, it doesn't bother Ben.

She only stays a day, floating above everything. At least she's smiled a few times.

While she preps the Falcon, Poe pokes his head around the corridor, his droid at his side. "So … BB-8 and I had a long talk, and he wants to stay with you."

"I don't think I'm coming back. Don't tell Finn."

He rubs the back of his neck. "Yeah … okay."

"So he should stay with you."

Poe's eyes clench shut for a moment and BB-8 whistles shrilly.

"You still want this, buddy?" he asks, crouching down next to his droid. BB-8 makes an emphatic beep.

With consternation, Poe asks, "Will you send messages? Maybe tell us where you end up?"

Trepidation flits across her face and Ben gets a feeling of foreboding. What is she planning? But finally she nods and Poe breathes out in relief.

She stops working and sits back in the cockpit chair. "He really should stay with you."

Another series of beeps and hoots, then Poe says, "His mind is made up."

There's a small quirk to her lips that comes close to a smile. "Even if that means you're gone a long time?" she asks BB-8.

One single definitive beep. "Okay, okay."

Rey stands and takes Poe's hand. "Thank you."

Dread fills him as he realizes where she's headed.

Godsdamned Jakku.

He knows how this place has hurt her, why would she come back here?

She lands the Falcon near the old abandoned AT-AT Ben remembers from his trip through her head. Perhaps she's hoping to find comfort in the only home she's ever known?

But the thought is discordant, and he dismisses it immediately. She never let Jakku be her home.

The sun is setting, and she heats some dinner, eating mechanically. She never seems to find joy in even simple pleasures, always eschewing better food for the dry, tasteless field rations. All color has leeched from her life.

The first mark on the bulkhead of the Falcon nearly undoes what's left of his sanity.

Rey is counting days.

A/N: Thank you so much for reading. I know that this has been a trying time for us Reylos and I hope this will help in some small way. No nicknames yet, I just couldn't poke fun. I'm hoping something will come to me as I write. I'm on tumblr if you need to commiserate, perrydowning.

I love you all.