I'm baaaaaaack!

PROLOGUE

THERE WILL BE NO PROLOGUE SAGA!

GET OVER IT!

...TO BE CONTINUED...

Miraculous Migraine
Episode 1: Hawkmoth is Gabriel Agreste!
By: I Write Big

There was something to be said about the determination of Gabriel Agreste.

Whatever goal the bazillionaire set out to accomplish he committed to with every fiber of his being. No matter how many times he failed the man would pick himself back up and try again. Unfortunately, to Gabriel, "try again" meant do the exact same thing that didn't work the first time over and over again without altering anything until the world gives up and lets the big baby have his bottle. It's a good thing Gabriel was God-tier rich otherwise this business strategy would've left him homeless years ago and Adrien would've never been able to afford all those plastic surgeries.

"You know what I feel like doing today, Nooroo?" Gabriel asked as he spun in his office chair. He had just finished an hour of butterfly training in the mansion's holodeck and, boy, were his arms tired.

"Akumatize someone," the Kwami suggested.

"Exactly!" Gabriel threw his hands up in annoyance. "Is that weird?"

"No, it just means I'm slowly regaining control." Nooroo smiled sinisterly.

"It's almost become like a chore, you know?" Gabriel pondered on the word. "I do it without thinking or even listening to anyone."

"Oh good, then my influence over you is growing faster than I expected." Nooroo rubbed its arm nubs together evilly.

"Maybe I should take some time off. Get out of the office. Spend time with Adrien. It's not like Emilie is going anywhere. Yes, I like the sound of this." He pressed a button on his desk phone. "Nathalie."

His assistant groaned back.

"Contact Adrien's secretary and make an appointment. I feel like being a father in the near future."

("Gabe, she is your son's secretary.")

Gabriel turned towards the echoing voice, that could only be heard in his mind, in time to see the golden mural of his wife gently swing to the side. His private safe hidden in the wall there was wide open. The old oriental book was gone.

"The book!" Nooroo hissed. "Where is the spellbook?!"

("It's a funny story, guys, you're not gonna believe it,") Duusu snickered from inside the Peacock Miraculous. The magical jewelry sat right next to the empty spot where the book used to be. ("I saw everything that happened and I'll tell you all about it, Gabe, if you set me free. Hehehehe—")

"Nice try." Gabriel pushed another button on his phone and a secret hidden camera that was aimed at the safe revealed itself.

("You're no fun!")

Meanwhile, at Fu's Massage Parlor:

"You know, I really missed this," Tikki said with a peaceful smile as Master Fu's ankles were twisted around each other like a pretzel. Marinette's bloodbath was nearing its 3-hour mark and showing no signs of slowing. "You'd think it would get old, but no, this is still the best entertainment I've had in centuries."

"Same here," Wayzz nodded as another of Master Fu's ribs loudly snapped like a celery stick.

"Torture truly is an art."

For a while, the Kwamis hovered there like a pair of old fishermen happily waiting on the lakeshore for their hooks to get a nibble.

"No! Not the fishhooks!" Fu begged.

"So, how did they take it?" Tikki asked.

"Hmm?" Wayzz lazily turned to her.

"The rest of the Kwamis," Tikki said. "The last time I saw them was a couple thousand years ago when they were wishing Plagg and I luck on our mission to depose Nooroo and Duusu and establish ourselves as the new Supreme Overlords of Earth. How did they take our entire race being magically enslaved to protect the inferior humans instead? I'm sure that had to be an awkward conversation."

"Oh, I'm sure it will be," Wayzz agreed, glancing at the mystical record player.

Tikki stared. "You haven't told them yet?"

"I'm not the one who fucked up. Telling them is your problem." Wayzz shrugged, then put a friendly arm nub on Tikki's shoulder. "Don't worry, I promise to film every second of them kicking your ass. What was it Sass said he'd do to you if you fucked up? Rip your… something…"

"Head from my shoulders," Tikki gulped.

"That's it! Rip your head from your shoulders while draining your eyeballs of their fluids with his fangs, right!" Wayzz laughed like it was the funniest idea in the world. Tikki became pale, which for her was a light pink. "Can't wait to see that. Actually, I won't have to wait. Once your human assassin finishes slowly killing Fu, the last of the Guardians will be gone, the restraining spell will be broken, and our brethren will be free. I'mma go get my camera. Be right back." Wayzz disappeared into the record player's speaker.

"Marinette, wait!" Tikki shot forward and got between the girl's fist and Fu's bruised, battered, and mostly toothless face. "I've been thinking, Fu has learned his lesson, so maybe we should, perhaps, forgive him…?"

Marinette Dupain-Cheng glared with eyes that resembled empty caverns of death and whispered, "...No…"

Her fist flew forward, phased through Tikki, and dislodged another of Fu's molars.

"Fair point," Tikki said. "But maybe we should at least let him live. What if he could release us from being Ladybug and I, in turn, can get very far away from here?"

Marinette shook the bloody tooth off her knuckles and grabbed Fu's beard. "Can you?" she seethed.

"Yes! Yes, please!" Fu sobbed. "Me tell you! No more!"

Marinette tightened her grip. "Talk."

"Quit!" Fu squealed like a baby. "Say you quit! End contract! Is easy!"

"I ALREADY DID THAT!"

Fu suddenly stopped crying and gawked at her. "You re-enter contract? You stupid or something?"

Marinette did not appreciate that insult.

Outside:

Officer Roger was cheerfully patrolling down the street when he heard a loud WHACK! He saw a man's face was pressed against the window next to him. Several hairline cracks in the glass formed around the short man's broken nose.

"Well, if it isn't my favorite chiropractor Master Fu. How are you this fine afternoon?" Roger asked. "Hey, whoa, careful there. Looks like you're getting a nosebleed."

Fu's pain-stricken face smashed against the glass again and again and again and just kept going.

"Ah, listening to that headbanger rock 'n roll you're so fond of, I see. Don't let me stop ya." Roger tipped his hat and continued his patrol. "Enjoy your day."

Inside:

"How do I get out?" Marinette growled into what was left of Fu's ear.

"I help, you let me go?" Fu pleaded.

"You help..." Marinette broke an ancient vase against a counter and pressed the sharp jagged edges against Fu's soft vulnerable Adam's apple, "...and I'll make it quick."

"Not too quick," Tikki corrected. "I need a 10-second head start."

The old oriental man flailed his arm weakly and pointed at something. Marinette followed the shattered finger and saw Fu was trying to point at the record player that green Kwami had flown out of earlier. She dragged Fu across the room and dumped his limp body in front of the machine. With shaky hands, Fu pressed his thumbs against a pair of dragon heads that were engraved into the player's wood. The eyes of the dragons flared for a second.

"Identity confirmed: Fu, Dropout Guardian Student, Cook/Janitor," the dragons said in a pre-recorded Chinese voice. "Access denied. Prease enter Great Guardian password."

The dragons slid aside and a panel of buttons took their place. A sticky note next to them read: Password: 12345, Don't tell Fu! The very man typed in the password and the record player opened like a treasure chest before Marinette's eyes. Hidden inside the machine was a wooden octagonal box covered with oriental carvings.

"Before me start," Fu said with a nervous and gummy smile, "would you like to hear about Guardians? Ancient order devoted to protect world from Kwamis and keep Miraculous locked away? Me last one? Is looong stor—"

Marinette grabbed Fu's throat and squeezed.

Wayzz appeared with a camera. "Oh yeah, piss her off more. That's a great idea. Why don't you also tell her about how you accidentally burned the Miraculous Temple to the ground while microwaving your lunch, indirectly unleashing Hawkmoth."

"B-B-Book!" Fu gurgled as he started to turn blue. Marinette relaxed her grip and Fu gasped. "Spellbook! Is key!"

Marinette glanced at the book Tikki had made her bring. It was embossed with very similar markings to the ones on the oriental box. "What do you mean?" she asked.

"Spellbook written in secret code! Has many powers for Miraculous! Guardians never let me see, say I too stupid, but maybe spellbook have way out...?" Fu smiled wide with a desperate don't-kill-me face. Marinette narrowed her murderous glare at the pitiful man. She dropped him and shoved the book into his hands.

"Start translating," she said.

Fu gulped and opened the tome.

Wayzz nodded in approval. "I like her."

Tikki rolled her eyes. "Trust me, in a half-hour, she'll be back to her annoying useless self. I think she's bipolar or something."

Meanwhile in Adrien's Room:

Gabriel watched as Nathalie swiped through several incriminating photos of Adrien taking the oriental book from the safe. The boy himself was shamefully sitting in the nearby shame corner with his multi-screen computer gaming setup... of shame.

"Let me get this straight," his Father said, unable to tear his sights away from the photos. "You took the book?"

"Yes, Father," Adrien hunched lower, sincerely sorry. "I was trying to return it to the library for you. I never meant to lose it—"

"Yeah, yeah, yeah, whatever!" Gabriel leaned even closer to the photos, peering intently at the image of Adrien's innocent gaze. "And you didn't hear any voices?"

"Oh, you mean Duusu?" Adrien asked.

Both Gabriel and Nathalie stiffened in horror at the name.

"Yeah, they said hi, tried to tell me some blue puns, I think, but I was gonna be late for school so I couldn't stay."

Both Gabriel and Nathalie continued to stand like dumbstruck statues.

"My Astruc, he's immune," Gabriel whispered in wonder.

"No, sir, I'm pretty sure he's just too dumb to corrupt," Nathalie sighed.

"Either way, we need him here. Adrien you're no longer going to public school. Nathalie will resume your homeschooling."

"Fuck you," Nathalie groaned.

"What?!" Adrien cried. "Because I lost one book? That's not fair! You always taught me that money can replace anything!"

"It can, but I also taught you the rich don't steal from the rich. Now stay in your room and get ready for Nathalie's lesson on..." He looked at his assistant for help. "What do kids learn again?"

"Math."

"Math?! That sounds awful!" Gabriel ran out before he could be assaulted with long division.

Meanwhile, back Fu's Place:

Marinette stood over Fu, the jagged vase shard glistening in her hand. Under her dark shadow, Fu flipped through the pages of the Miraculous Book. "Okay, okay, me thinks me gots this. Here, me find!" He cleared his throat, spat out another tooth, and read: "Contract with Miraculous only used to defeat Nooroo and Duusu, to prevent them from ever controlling same host. Such power in one human destroy world. Return Miraculous of Nooroo and Duusu to box and contract end."

"Defeat Hawkmoth? That's it?" Marinette stabbed the table. "How did nobody know this?"

"Not Hawkmoth. Nooroo and Duusu. Much more dangerous. Pure evil." Fu shivered. "They control. Manipulate. Make humans into puppets. Me always believe owner of this book is Hawkmoth. Where you find, Marinette?"

Marinette's homicidal aura abruptly vanished. The past day flashed across her mind and her jaw dropped.

The first time she saw this book was in the school library…

being read by…

Adrien

She dropped her weapon and walked out of the building.

"Hey, where are you going?" Wayzz yelled. "Aren't you gonna kill him?"

"Told ya," Tikki said and flew after the girl.

Later:

Marinette shambled like a zombie through the streets, moaning over and over, "Adrien… Hawkmoth… Adrien… Hawkmoth..."

Tikki landed on her shoulder. "Y'up, looks like it. Tough luck. If we wanna be free, we gotta take him down. Tell you what, you can keep Adrien's corpse when we're done. That sound fair?"

The bluenette stopped in the middle of the street. "I'm switching sides," she said without hesitation.

"Great, what?"

"I can't fight Adrien. I can only join him."

Tikki stared at Marinette for a second. "Oh, I get it. You'll give me to Adrien as a Trojan Horse peace offering to gain his trust and then, once he thinks you're his ally, you'll use your feminine wiles to seduce Adrien out of Nooroo's control. Right?"

The girl said nothing.

"Marinette? That is what you meant, right?"

Marinette took off her earrings.

"YOU FUCKING HORNY SONUVA—" Tikki vanished from existence and Marinette resumed shambling like a zombie.

Later, at school:

The after-school fencing class was strapping on their equipment in the boy's locker room when the door was kicked open. Marinette stepped in and got on her knees.

"Adrien!" she loudly proclaimed. "I pledge my loyalty to your evil dark crusade! I am yours to control as you see fit!"

She waited patiently for her new Lord and Master to baptize her into his black-hearted ranks, ignoring the blushing, half-naked, non-Adrien boys. There was no response. Marinette sniffed the air.

"Adrien isn't here," she concluded and left.

Marinette went up to the classroom, mentally planning the best ways to conquer Europe and then the rest of the world at Adrien's side. She found Chloe sobbing on a mini-staircase in the corner surrounded by her class.

"Where did that mini-staircase come from?" Marinette asked.

"I always bring Chloe's Sad Stairs in case there's tragic news," Sabrina said.

"A-A-A-Adrien!" Chloe hiccuped the name through her tears, pointing at the text message she got. "He's never coming back to school! Ever!"

"Smart," Marinette nodded in approval, "It'd be harder for my Dark Master to keep his nefarious plans of evil conquest secret otherwise."

"And it's for the dumbest reason too, dude," Nino said. "He lost his daddy-o's stupid book or something. I can't believe this is the way I lose my meal ticket."

Marinette's plans of global domination abruptly stopped. "His dad's book?"

Nino nodded.

"Excusez-moi." Marinette calmly went to the Girl's Room and locked herself in a stall. With a nervous gulp, she put the earrings back on.

Tikki appeared. She didn't look happy.

Marinette began gently, "In my defense, I thought—"

With a vicious battle cry, the Kwami charged forward and melted into Marinette's chest. For a few seconds, Marinette's body became translucent. Her lower body phased through the floor and then became solid again. Tikki popped out and Marinette proceeded to scream in both terror and pain.

A floor below:

Miss Bustier stared up at the kicking, pink-jean covered, vulnerable legs that had appeared in the teacher's lounge ceiling. A hungry smile spread across her lips, but then it disappeared.

"Nah, too easy." She finished her coffee and left.

Back upstairs:

"You sorry?" Tikki asked.

"YES! I'M SORRY!" Marinette screamed.

"You gonna pull that merde again?"

"NO! PLEASE, MAKE IT STOP! THERE'S TILING WHERE MY STOMACH SHOULD BE! I DON'T KNOW HOW I'M ALIVE RIGHT NOW!"

"That's an easy answer. Because I allow it." Tikki melted back into Marinette's chest and undid the horror. When the girl's hyperventilating started to slow, the Kwami said, "So, what changed your mind?"

"Um, the book doesn't belong to Adrien," Marinette whimpered. "It belongs to his dad."

"Oh, so you're okay with making your half-orphaned boy-crush into a full-fledged orphan. That makes sense," Tikki sassed. "Come on, let's do this."

"Tikki, spots on." In a flourish of red, Marinette became Ladybug and swung out of the building. On the roof, she slid open her yo-yo and dialed Chat Noir. He didn't answer, so she left a message: "I know who Hawkmoth is, Chat Noir. I'm on my way now to kill him. If you want in, meet me at the Agreste Mansion and bring a body bag."

Meanwhile, in Gabriel's Office:

Gabriel and Nathalie stood before the golden mural of Emilie. Duusu's muffled taunts came from the other side.

("What're you gonna do without the book, Gabe? Heeheeeheeee! It's only a matter of time before it falls into the wrong hands and someone with half a brain figures you out. You can't keep me locked up forever! Where's my lawyer? I know my rights! Including the right to watch you get torn limb from limb! Let me out! I wanna see the show! Haaahahahahahhoooohohohoohoo!")

Nathalie groaned. "It has a point, sir."

"Don't worry, Nathalie, I have a plan." Gabriel opened his wallet and—

Nathalie slapped the millions of euros out of his hand. "No, I have a plan," she said. "Nobody is gonna figure out you're Hawkmoth."

Her boss' eyes glistened and he tried to hide his blush. "Oh, Nathalie, you do care."

Nathalie groaned. "I was fine watching you destroy this city from a distance. Fuck Paris! But I am not going to sit back and lose 95,000 a year because of your stupidity. I'm in charge now. Shut up and do what I say. Rip every picture of Adrien off the wall and burn them in a bonfire."

"Hbt—What?! Why?" Gabriel sputtered at the order.

"Because you're an adult having a hissy fit over a meaningless book like a child."

"No, I'm not."

"Yes, you are. In fact, you're so angry..." she leaned forward and said knowingly, "You'd make a perfect target for Hawkmoth."

Gabriel blinked. "But I am Hawkmoth."

She slapped him across the face. "Think about it for more than two seconds!"

Gabriel rubbed his sore cheek and stared at Nathalie for a while before going, "Oh! Oooooh! I get it! I get it! No, wait, I lost it. Could you explain—It's back! I got it again! Nathalie, you're a genius!" He wrapped her in a tight hug, planted a kiss on the top of her head, and then started ripping portraits off the wall.

Nathalie stood where he left her, looking rather flustered. The warmth from his kiss spread down to her cheeks and would not go away.

("Oooh, you got it bad, girl.")

"Shut up!"

Meanwhile, in Adrien's Room:

The door was locked and guarded by Ape-Man. Adrien's phone was playing piano music to simulate the boy practicing as Adrien played foosball by himself, thoroughly depressed. "You sure Duusu won't tell anyone that I'm Chat Noir?"

"Nah, don't worry about that. Me and the Big-Blue-D go way back, man. We got this agreement. It's sort of like a bet," Plagg said, reminiscing over some camembert. "Good thing Kwamis don't appear in photos or video otherwise we'd be so busted. I didn't figure out I had that power until the whole JFK assassination fiasco."

"Wait, are you saying you were the one who shot—"

There was a loud crash beneath them. Adrien bolted out and ran with Ape-Man down the marble escalator. The sounds were coming from Father's office but a red-cheeked Nathalie blocked the door.

"Nathalie, what's going on?" Adrien asked.

There was a smash of what sounded like marble.

"Your Father is being honest with my feelings—I MEAN!" Nathalie's cheeks lit up even further. "HIS! I said, HIS feeling! He's busy. Very busy. And he's angry, very angry. I want to make that perfectly clear. He's upset and vulnerable to magical control from a completely separate third-party right now."

Another loud smash rocked the mansion.

"Fuck!" Gabriel's voice shrieked. "Nathalie, I think that was a support beam."

"Are you convinced yet?" Nathalie asked.

Adrien and Ape-Man half-heartedly shrugged.

There was another loud crack from the office. "OW!" Gabriel shrieked again. "I dropped my sledgehammer on my toe!"

"Yeah, I'm convinced," Adrien nodded.

"Great," Nathalie said. "Now that we have multiple witnesses, shouldn't Adrien be practicing his piano?"

Ape-Man led Adrien back to his room, the boy glancing back with worry over his upset Father.

Meanwhile, somewhere in Paris:

A spiral window opened, illuminating the haunting silhouette of a man holding an ice-pack against his toe. "That fucking hurt! Okay, here we go, time to put Nathalie's plan into action." Hawkmoth grabbed a butterfly and infused it with darkness. He stared at the Akuma, completely lost. "How do I, um, uh…"

He placed the Akuma on top of his head. It fluttered back down to his hand.

He pushed the Akuma against his chest. It was crushed and crumbled to dust.

"Nope, let's try it this way." He evilized another butterfly and raised his arms. "Dark wings fall!" In a powerful purge of purple Hawkmoth became Gabriel Agreste! In another dimension, only about ten people were surprised. The rest laughed and said they totally called it.

The purple-pink magic reformed into Nooroo who sneered at the man. "And what's the big bad plan this time, Master?" Nooroo asked mockingly, spitting the title.

Gabriel tore off his fashionable ascot, revealing the hidden Moth Miraculous. He plucked the jewel off, held it up in the air, and said two simple words.

"I quit."

Every butterfly above them stopped fluttering at the same time and the hidden tower became deathly quiet.

"No..." Nooroo croaked.

The jewel in Gabriel's hand became a tiny black hole! A vortex of purple magic pulled at the Kwami, trying to siphon the despicable creature back inside its prison!

"What have you done?!" Nooroo roared over the cosmic force. It grabbed the floor, holding on for dear life. Gravity stronger than a galaxy of Neutron Stars began to spaghettify Nooroo's leg nubs. "You think you are rid of me, puny human? Do you think you can banish me and not suffer my wrath? I shall find a new apprentice, a new Hawkmoth, and hunt your family down for the rest of eternity! CURSE YOU, GABRIEL AGRESTE! CURSE YOU!" The floorboards ripped and the rest of Nooroo disappeared into the Miraculous.

"Jeez, don't be so dramatic," Gabriel said, storing the Miraculous in a small jewel box. He then turned around to face a blank book under a spotlight. "Time for Step Two." He picked up the book and held it up to the Akuma. The black butterfly landed on the book and did nothing.

"Um, hello?"

The Akuma waited there, still whole.

"Come on, I'm angry, I swear. Doesn't this look like an angry face to you?" Gabriel scrunched up his nose, crossed his eyes, and gritted his teeth. Still, the Akuma didn't shatter. "Dammit! Why won't this work—" He kicked the book table with his already crushed foot. "GAAAH!"

The Akuma shattered. Gabriel was swallowed by bubbling darkness and became a grey and black, red-visored fashion disaster!

"I am The Collector! I have lost my favorite book and I shall use my justifiably believable anger to exact revenge because... I'M NOT HAWKMOTH! MUAHAHAAHHAHA!" He finished his speech and asked the butterfly armada, "How was that? Evil enough?"

The butterflies shrugged half-heartedly.

Later, near the Agreste Mansion:

Adrien decided he had to make things right. As Chat Noir, he planned to search Paris to find his Father's book. In a blast of black, he transformed into the superhero and got Ladybug's message on his battle staff. He set off to meet her.

Chat Noir ran into Ladybug on a rooftop. He was a little put off by the homicidal rage blazing around her. "M'Lady, got your message. Can't wait to hear who the suspect is."

The heroine kept marching past him towards her final destination. "Gabriel Agreste. He's Hawkmoth," she said grimly. "I'm going to kill him."

Chat Noir stopped thinking of his next pun and scrambled after her. "Whoa! Did you say Gabriel Agreste? Fashioner designer, bazillionaire Gabriel Agreste? You got proof?"

"Oh, sure! When a man accuses a woman of being a witch, it's all 'burn her at the stake!' But when it's the other way around, you need proof! How about this for proof? I snap the bastard's neck and wait to see if the Akumas stop! If I'm wrong, I'll say I'm sorry at his funeral."

"LB!" The boy grabbed her by the shoulders. "Have you thought this through at all?"

"HAVE YOU?!"

Chat Noir hadn't. So he did. "Well… now that you mention it..."

A couple months ago:

Adrien watched his Father supervise the construction workers who were renovating the mansion. It looked like they were installing some sort of slide that went deep under their home. How fun!

"And I want every design in this house to have the words 'Hawkmoth's Evil Lair' secretly hidden in them somewhere," his Father instructed.

"Even the potted plants, boss?" the head engineer asked.

"Especially the potted plants."

"You got it, boss."

A couple weeks ago:

Nathalie handed Adrien a new pair of sneakers. "Your Father wants you to wear these for the next photoshoot. They have the company's new logo."

"Is that Hawkmoth's face on the side?" Adrien asked.

"Nope, that's your imagination."

Last Night:

"One day, Ladybug and Chat Noir, I, Gabriel Agreste, who is also secretly Hawkmoth, will have your Miraculous! Buahahahahaahaha!"

Adrien grumpily flipped over in his bed and banged on the wall. "Father, turn down the TV, I'm trying to sleep."

Now:

Chat Noir tapped his chin. "Hmmmmmmmm… nope, sorry, not seeing the connection," he said.

Ladybug smacked him aside and resumed her march, the homicidal rage flaring. "Too bad. Today Gabriel Agreste dies."

Back at the Agreste Mansion:

Nathalie was loudly listing Gabriel's bad qualities. "He's distant to his only child, manipulative, only got this successful because he's a man, doesn't have a clue what he's doing, and not to mention he spends every night reading bedtime stories to a corpse."

("Yeah, but you gotta admit, Nat, the ring just makes him hotter.")

"I'm not into married men, Duusu! Get out of my head!"

("But I wanna talk about boOoOoys!")

The office doors behind her burst off their hinges, launching the woman across the hall. When the dust settled, she saw The Collector standing in the doorway. Step Two of her plan had come to fruition.

The Collector growled down at the woman lying helpless on the floor, "Nathalie, I want you…"

Nathalie blushed. "W-Want me?"

"To be the first part of my collection!"

The Collector swiped his open sketchbook at the woman! Nathalie disappeared and a highly detailed sketch of her blushing face filled in a blank page of the book. He laughed evilly and proclaimed, "I'm super-pissed about losing my book and, as a logical result, have been akumatized, since I am not Hawkmoth and am clearly just yet another innocent victim. Muahahaha!" He turned to the top of the marble escalator and asked Ape-Man, "Did you buy that?"

Ape-Man waved his hand in a so-so manner.

"Wow, Lila makes lying look so easy. Anyway!" The Collector threw his sketchbook! It arced through the air like a boomerang, absorbing Ape-Man before returning to the villain's hands. The Collector rode the marble escalator up and knocked on Adrien's door. "Adrien, it is I, your perfectly normal—not villain—Father who is also not Hawkmoth. Please panic and scream in distress as you would at being attacked by any other Akuma." He then kicked down the door and tried to look intimidating.

The room was empty.

"Dammit, that was my best evil monologue yet," he whined while stomping his foot. "Oh well, onto Step Three."

Later, at the Louvre:

A sketchbook twirled through the air and absorbed the museum's glass pyramid.

"Yes, fear me!" The Collector cackled as he captured the Mona Lisa. "I am an average citizen who has been corrupted by Hawkmoth, who is not me!"

More Later, at the Charles De Gaulle Airport:

Jagged Stone yelled at the Airport Security, "What do you mean Fang's bloody passport expired? You saying we're stranded in this shite-stain of a city?"

The sketchbook whipped through the air and absorbed Jagged and his crocodile Fang.

Even More Later, at the TV Studio:

Nadia Chamack was absorbed mid-report on live TV. The camera followed the flying book until it came face to face with The Collector who boldly said, "I'm not Hawkmoth. Just wanna make that clear." He leaned to the side and asked the cameraman, "Was that believable?"

The cameraman shrugged half-heartedly.

"Damn, guess it'll have to do," The Collector said before absorbing the camera.

Later Later Later Later at the Agreste Mansion:

Ladybug and Chat Noir landed on the roof. The girl strode with purpose towards the nearest open window, cracking her knuckles. The boy floundered to change her mind.

"I know that 5,000 years ago in Ancient Egypt where you're from that summary execution without a trial is the norm, but in modern times we have something called police procedure," Chat reminded. "If we suspect Gabriel Agreste, we should bring him in for questioning."

"No," Ladybug said, stretching her yo-yo string into a garrote wire. "He dies."

"Bugaboo, please! I really think you should stop, take a second, and calm down!"

Ladybug did stop.

She did take a second.

And she popped a stiff part of her neck.

"Calm," she announced in the most eerily calm voice Chat Noir had ever heard. This wasn't the calm of someone relaxing, this was calm of a hunter. This calm scared him. Ladybug hopped into the mansion. Both heroes arrived in Gabriel's office. The place had been ripped apart. Mannequins and pictures were strewn across the floor and shattered into pieces.

"Whoa…" Chat Noir whispered. "What happened here?"

"Don't care." Ladybug calmly kept moving into the next room with Chat Noir close behind. "Now, where is Gabriel Agreste?"

"There is no Gabriel Agreste!" a cold voice proclaimed! At the top of the marble escalator stood The Collector, his arms spread wide! "There is only The Collector who was once Gabriel Agreste who, by the way, was never Hawkmoth at any point, just felt like pointing that out. Gabriel Agreste is not Hawkmoth. I repeat, Gabriel Agreste is not, nor has he ever been, nor will he ever be, Hawkmoth." He paused to let that sink in. "Muahaahahahaha!"

"Wait..." Chat Noir's four ears perked up and he grinned brightly. "If Gabriel Agreste has been akumatized, then that means he can't be Hawkmoth! Right, LB?"

He eagerly turned to his super-partner, anticipating agreement and maybe even an apology. What he saw was the same fiery, homicidal rage burning stronger than ever. And somehow she was still calm.

"Holy merde, you're still going to kill him?!"

"It's the only way to be sure," Ladybug said with disturbing amounts of calm.

She shot her yo-yo forward and the unbreakable string coiled around The Collector's throat. His evil laugh turned into choking gasps. Using every ounce of her super strength, Ladybug whipped The Collector around the mansion, smashing him headfirst through a dozen priceless nude marble statues of Adrien.

"Stop! NO!" Chat Noir tackled Ladybug.

The Collector's trip ended and he skidded to the floor, gulping down precious oxygen as the thread around his neck loosened. "A lucky shot," he wheezed. "But I, The Collector, who is not Hawkmoth, shall—"

Chat Noir threw The Collector over his shoulder and ran deeper into the mansion.

"Hey! What are yo—Unhand me, Chat Noir, or I, The Collector, who is not Hawkmoth, shall—"

"Shut up! I'm trying to save you!" Chat Noir cried, his voice dripping with fear as they ducked into the mansion's bowling alley.

"Save me? From what?" The Collector asked as they crossed the mansion's skate park.

"Ladybug! She thinks you might be Hawkmoth so she wants to kill you!" Chat Noir shouted as they swung across the mansion's indoor jungle.

"Hawkmoth? Me? Whaaat? Nooo!" The Collector said, sweating a storm and avoiding all eye contact. As they swam through the mansion's Olympic-sized pool he said, "How could she think that? We look nothing alike. I, The Collector, formerly known as Gabriel Agreste, am not Hawkmoth."

"Yeah, I heard you the first time. But M'Lady is not so easily convinced." Chat Noir kicked his way out of the mansion's laser tag stadium and into the mansion's holodeck. "Perfect!" he said. "We can program you a hiding spot where Ladybug will never find you!"

"Or maybe..." The Collector maliciously raised his sketchbook. "I can add your Miraculous to my collection."

Chat Noir grabbed the sketchbook and tore it in half. The Collector de-transformed back to Gabriel and Chat Noir punched the man on the chin, knocking him out cold.

"Sorry, Father."

The boy grabbed the Akuma before it could flutter away. He typed at the holodeck's control console. "Maze activated," said the robotic computer. The room transformed into a huge holographic maze. He blindly tossed Gabriel deep into the maze so even he wouldn't know where to find him.

"Okay, now, let's hope LB doesn't find us."

A section of the wall behind Chat Noir crumbled to dust.

Sunlight spilled into the holodeck, casting Ladybug's murderous figure in silhouette. Behind her, the entire Agreste Mansion lay in ruins. Every room, every inch, had been obliterated to rubble. Its destroyer glared passively at Chat Noir, yo-yo clenched in her fist.

She was still calm.

"See? Look!" Chat Noir desperately held up the black butterfly. "I already got the Akuma! There's no more danger!"

Ladybug calmly snatched the Akuma and de-evilized the bug. Her silent bloodlust, though, was clearly not quenched yet.

"This holographic maze can literally go on for miles," Chat Noir said bravely. "You'll never find him. So, let's talk this out, okay, Bugaboo?"

Ladybug calmly threw her yo-yo into the air. "Lucky Charm!" Down came a polka-dotted set of bike pedals. She calmly chucked the thing at the holodeck's control console.

CRASH!

In a shower of sparks, the machinery was smashed to bits.

"Error! Error!" beeped the computer and the nearly endless maze fizzled out of existence.

The unconscious and very exposed Gabriel Agreste laid at the center of the room in a puddle of his own drool.

Ladybug calmly stalked towards her prey.

"Hold on!" Chat Noir got in front of her but she kept walking. "You don't have to do this! No more puns! How about that, huh? No more sex jokes! Nothing! I'll behave! I promise! Please! Just don't kill him!"

Surprisingly, she actually stopped. Ladybug looked at him, a slight curiosity in her eye. "Why do you care about him so much?"

"Because he's..." The word caught in Chat's mouth. To say what he needed to say would expose his identity, maybe even jeopardize his career as a superhero. But if it meant saving Father, then it was worth it. "Because he's my Fa—"

The holodeck sputtered and glitched, making the maze reappear for a second before morphing into a horrific tentacle monster with thousands of razor-sharp teeth! The eldritch beast roared, shaking the room!

"Error! Error!" the smoking computer warned. "Hologram tangibility at 100%! Danger! Lethal risk! Do not approach!"

One of the tendrils scooped Gabriel off the floor and dropped the man in the monster's gaping maw.

Chat Noir screamed.

Ladybug wiped her hands clean and said, "Welp, all's well that ends well."

"Fools!" A dramatic voice made them turn. There, by the crumbled hole in the wall, stood Hawkmoth!

"Wait, whaaa..." Ladybug said.

"Did you really think that such a pathetic excuse of a man as Gabriel Agreste could be me?" The true Mastermind behind the Akuma scourge bellowed deeply and raised his majestic cane with both hands. "I AM HAWKMOTH!"

He brought the cane down and blinding light filled the room. When Ladybug and Chat Noir's vision cleared, the two stared blankly at where their enemy once stood.

Hawkmoth was gone.

Chat Noir glared at Ladybug.

Ladybug cleared her throat. "I may have jumped the gun," she admitted.

"You think?!" Chat Noir roared.

"I can fix this!" Ladybug ran to the console and tugged the bicycle pedal set out. She cast Miraculous Ladybug as quickly as she could.

The mansion was put back together.

Everything and every person The Collector had in his sketchbook was returned.

The holodeck was repaired and the tentacle monster vanished. A bruised and slightly digested Gabriel Agreste remained, getting up groggily.

"There we go. All better. I guess it's back to the drawing board on figuring out Hawkmoth's true identity," Ladybug said with a sigh. She headed for the exit. "See ya, I'm off to terrorize an old Chinese man."

"Hey, hold on a second!" Chat Noir jumped in front of her and tapped his foot impatiently. "Aren't you going to apologize to the innocent man you nearly murdered?"

"Ugh, FINE!" Ladybug rolled her eyes and turned to Gabriel. "Mr. Agreste, I'm sorry about my actions today. It won't happen again. Here, to show there's no hard feelings, let's hug it out—"

"Nope! That's fine!" Gabriel scrambled away from her offered open arms.

"Yeah, that was a bit too forward of me. Handshake?"

"I'm good! You can leave now, thanks for saving me, bye!"

Ladybug squinted in suspicion at Gabriel's sweaty face and his leaving her hanging but ultimately decided to let it go. She and Chat Noir left the holodeck. As soon as the door closed, Gabriel wiped away the sweat and began to laugh.

"Muahahaha..." Gabriel flickered and vanished.

Hawkmoth stepped forward and picked up the laugh. "HAHAHAAHAHA! Nathalie's plan worked perfectly!" His holographic Hawkmoth costume flickered and disappeared too, leaving the real Gabriel! "Now, Ladybug and Chat Noir think that Hawkmoth is someone else, when in reality I, Gabriel Agreste, am truly, have always been, and always will be, Hawkmoth! AHAAHAHAHAHAH!"

Ladybug poked her head in, "You call my name?"

Gabriel froze, his arms still raised mid-gloat. "I-uh-I-stretching! Just stretching!" He started doing calisthenics. "You would not believe how hard it is to keep this slim figure at my age."

Ladybug rolled her eyes and left.

Later, outside Fu's place:

Fu nervously waited on the corner, a suitcase bulging with his possessions at his side and the mystical record player on his back. He kept stealing glances over his shoulders as if he expected someone to be there at any second. At last, a car pulled up.

"Uber for Fu?" the driver called. "One-way trip to Anywhere-But-Fucking-Here for a guy named Fu?"

"Me!" Fu ripped open the back door and jumped in. "Hurry! Go! Go! Go!"

"Seatbelt," the driver instructed.

Fu strapped in and hid behind the passenger seat. "GO!"

"Music preference?"

"Me no care! GOOooOOooOO!"

"Oh, I'd love to go, pal, but I can't. Ladybug is standing in the way."

Fu faced the windshield. There she was. Blocking the car. Glaring straight back at him.

His executioner.

"You know, my wife makes that same exact face right before she tears me a new one," the driver chuckled. "Wouldn't want to be the idiot who pissed her off, huh, pal?"

Fu began to cry.

Later, Inside:

Marinette loomed like a 4-foot-tall, blue-haired, pigtailed Grim Reaper over Fu. The grown man cowered like a child. "I don't care who you are, Fu. I don't give a merde about what you were trying to do," she said. Her voice was calm, but her bone-chilling stare made every word as terrifying as a ticking bomb. "Until I find Nooroo and Duusu, you will help me. If you prove yourself useful, that'll be the end of it. When this is over, we'll go our separate ways. I won't look for you. I won't pursue you." Marinette stepped closer and placed both of her hands on his shoulders. Her touch was ice-cold. "But if you don't help me, if you try to run, then I will look for you, I will find you, and I will kill you."

"...Okay..." Fu tried to whimper, but, through his tears, it sounded like, "...Ggookuu..."

Marinette slid the old oriental book to him and said, "You said there are spells in here that can make fighting Akumas easier? Good. Take pictures of every page."

"Wha? W-Why?"

The girl said nothing… and Fu knew he made a mistake by questioning her.

"Okay! Me do! Me do!" He flipped through the book, taking photos with his phone.

Nearby, Tikki and Wayzz watched.

"Are we sure she isn't the bad guy?" Wayzz asked, sounding very concerned.

Tikki shrugged uncaringly. "Wouldn't put it past her."

Later, at the Agreste Mansion:

Marinette kept her head down as she held the oriental book out to Gabriel Agreste. "And this horrible Italian girl Lila took the book from your son," she said. "Totally tried to seduce him and everything like a total slut. I stopped her. I protected Adrien's purity and got your book back, sir. You should make sure that thief never ever goes near Adrien again. That's Lila Rossi, with an 'i' at the end. Blacklist her, pay her family to move, have her deported as a suspected terrorist, I don't care. If I give you the book, can you please get rid of her?"

"I can have this Lila Rossi and her entire family dead and buried before nightfall," Gabriel nodded firmly. "No one will find the bodies."

"Really?" Marinette grinned widely. "And you'll let Adrien come back to school?"

"Ooooh… I don't know about that." Mr. Agreste hummed down at the girl. He considered the book still in her hands. "You strike a hard bargain. Tell you what, Adrien goes back to school and I bribe the Mayor to place Lila under house arrest for a few months. You won't see her again until the end of the season. How about that?"

Marinette mulled over the proposal. "I feel like I should get rid of Lila now while she's weak and defenseless but… deal!" She handed the book back to Mr. Agreste and shook his hand.

"Nathalie, report Miss Rossi's crime to the authorities," Mr. Agreste ordered. "She clearly vandalized my office."

Nathalie groaned and left to continue the cycle of violence and lies.

Meanwhile, Marinette skipped out the door, joyful that she had killed two birds with one stone. Before she got far, an idea struck her. She turned around and asked, "Hey, uh, where did you find that book, by the way?"

"I'm not Hawkmoth," Mr. Agreste replied quickly.

"Of course you're not, but it's such a unique book. I've never seen anything like it."

"Oh, you know," Mr. Agreste nervously tried to loosen his collar. He was drenched in sweat. "East."

"East?" Marinette prodded but Mr. Agreste only nodded and continued to sweat buckets. "Anything else?"

"I'm not Hawk—"

"Okay, thanks!" Marinette gave up and left.

Later, in Gabriel's Office:

Gabriel and Nathalie stood before the office computer as Gabriel swiped through the pages of his digital copy of the Miraculous Book.

"So, why were you so worried when you lost the book if you had a digital copy?" Nathalie asked.

Gabriel smirked and walked to the portrait of Emilie, "It was all part of my master plan."

"You forgot that you made a copy, didn't you, sir?"

Gabriel stiffened. Quick as can be, he pressed the secret combination into the portrait's hidden buttons. A hole opened under his feet and a mini-elevator took him away.

"He's such a dumbass," Nathalie groaned.

("And yet you want to bang him. That says a lot more about you than him, Nat.")

In the secret tower:

A hole opened in the floor and Gabriel rose into the room with his white butterflies. He opened the small jewel box and donned the Moth Miraculous. In a flash of magic, a great purple ball of blinding light appeared before him.

"You have freed me, human, for that you have my gratitude," the ball of energy snarled. "I will reward you handsomely in time, but first you must help me take my revenge. Bring me the head of Gabriel Ag—"

Nooroo took form and saw who it was talking to.

"Are you serious…?" Nooroo whispered.

"Told ya you shouldn't be so dramatic, Nooroo," Gabriel chuckled and folded his arms proudly. "My secret identity is safe. Everything worked out."

"I'm stuck with you forever..." The little Kwami's bulbous eye twitched erratically. "I'm stuck with your stupid ass forever."

"Not forever. Just until we bring back Emilie. But until then, Nooroo, it's just you and me. Us against the world! For now. Nothing can stand in our way! Until we go our separate ways. We're the dynamic duo! Temporarily."

Nooroo grabbed Gabriel by the collar and screamed, "You can only quit ONCE!"

"...Huh?"

Meanwhile, under the Eiffel Tower:

"—ooooooooo…" Thomas Astruc's scream petered out, losing its godly timbre. To his horror, he sounded... mortal. He grabbed at his mouth in shock and found no pink flowers in his beard. There was nothing but hair. Then he noticed the ground under his feet felt less like the eternal ethereal plane and more like average cobblestone. He looked up, hoping to see the Void into which the red-eyed police officer had vanished. What he saw made him choke. He peered at the Eiffel Tower standing against the cloudy blue sky. He whirled around. His couch, cactus, and ethereal timeline TV with its multiverse remote were all gone.

Everything was gone.

He was on Earth.

But if he, Thomas Astruc, was down here, then that meant He wasn't upstairs anymore. The other guy, the real guy pulling the strings... the Big guy. He'd left. That meant no one was running things. That meant no one was in control anymore. That meant...

"I'm human. Well. Fuck."

END

GROUND RULES!

I won't be doing every episode. The entirety of Season 1 took me 2 years and I'm not going through that insanity again. I will only parody the episodes that I find the most hilarious and relate to the story I want to tell. So maybe 10 episodes per season, we'll see. But I'll definitely be doing the season premieres and finales and that goddamn movie!

Welcome back to Miraculous Headache! Come read with me and find out just how crazy this world can get... without a god.