Every day after school, Lincoln and his brother Johnny walked home along the railroad tracks, cut across the industrial park, and followed Center Street past a rush of strip malls, fast food joints, and gas stations. It was a two mile long trek through the heart of downtown Royal Woods that usually included a quick stop at Gus's Games and Grub, where the newest addition to the arcade, Primus, called out to every boy and girl in a ten mile radius. A shooting/flying/puzzle game, it was the most fun you could have by law. On April 23, however, they skipped their daily five rounds of play in favor of something else.

Against Lincoln's strenuous objections. "You can go on," Lincoln said, "I wanna play Primus."

"Dude, I need you for this," Johnny begged.

That was a lie and Lincoln knew it. Johnny, a year and a half older with dreads, one pupil smaller than the other (lending him an almost crazed appearance), black fingerless gloves, and an olive green coat, was confident, self-possessed, and bright. He was a master in the art of mayhem and had studied under the greatest minds in the business - Bart Simpson, Ryan Dunn, and Dennis the Menace. Though they were brothers, Johnny was black and Lincoln white, the former taking after their father and the latter their mother.

Anyway, Johnny needed Lincoln for today's "operation" the same way Hulk Hogan needed Hornswoggle the midget to win the heavyweight championship.

Not at all.

"All you're doing is -"

"I need a look out," Johnny said.

They were at the end of Central, where the lanes narrow and merge to form S. Arbor Street, which crosses the Royal River and becomes US10 before winding away through the surrounding hills. Franklin Avenue was a block up on the left. Cars whizzed by in the road and a homeless man in rags stood by the entrance of a Sunnoco with a cardboard sign in his hands. NINJAS KIDNAPPED FAMILY NEED MONEY FOR KARATE LESSONS. Lincoln wasn't dumb, he knew that wasn't why the guy needed money, but if he had a dollar, he'd give it to him just for being creative.

"You don't need a look out," Lincoln said, "we've been through the plan a million times. You're good."

It was Johnny's idea...like these things always were. He came up with it Monday night. He and Lincoln were on the couch, Johnny with his legs on the coffee table and his arm draped over the back of the sofa, and Lincoln sitting back against the arm with his knees drawn to his chest. He was one level away from beating Zombie Heck Island and his DS had ten percent battery life. It was a race against the clock to defeat the evil zombie king before the screen went dark, and Lincoln was trapped on a street corner surrounded by the living dead. "Du-uuuu-dddde," Johnny laughed. "We should do that."

"Uh-huh," Lincoln replied absent-mindedly. He had no idea what Johnny was talking about and he didn't really care. He had a zombie/King Kong hybrid to fight and not much time to do it in. "Can you grab my charger?"

"Dude, are you even listening to me?" Johnny asked.

"Sure, we oughta do something," Lincoln said. A zombie popped up in front of him and he smashed the X button. His character lashed out with a machete and the top of the zombie's head slid off with a wet shlicking sound. Its pulsing brain was exposed, and it toppled to one side with a strangled cry of undead agony.

Suddenly, the DS was wrenched from his hands, and for a split second, he tapped air, then he started. "Give it back!"

Johnny held the game away. His eyes danced with a wicked light and the corners of his mouth turned up in a sly, sadistic grin. Johnny was a good brother...he looked out for Lincoln and always had his back...then ruined it by doing crap like this. "Ignoring your elders is really rude, bro, I don't think you deserve this anymore."

Like a spring snapping open, Lincoln lunged at his brother and hit him like a small, vicious mammal. Johnny cried out, and they tumbled off the couch in a tangle of limbs. Lincoln's hair, slicked carefully back from his forehead like it was 1958, stuck up at weird angles and his eyes, normally timid and docile, blazed with righteous fury. He could put up with a lot of things - being teased, roasted - but when you get in between him and his video games, it was on. Johnny, older but not much bigger, thrashed back and forth and Lincoln's balance upset. They rolled, Johnny on top now, and hit the coffee table, knocking it askew.

Johnny grabbed Lincoln's wrists and pinned them to the floor, and Lincoln threw himself left and right in an attempt to buck him off. "Get off of me!" he cried.

"Say the magic word," Johnny smirked.

Instead, Lincoln brought his knee up into the older boy's crotch. Johnny's eyes widened and the air left his chest in a rattling wheeze. His body went slack, and Lincoln shoved him off. "Boys!" Mom called. "Knock it off!"

Lincoln got to his knees, then, all at once, Johnny was all over him, hitting, kicking, and scratching. Lincoln growled and shot his elbow back into his brother's ribs, and Johnny retaliated by wrapping his forearm around Lincoln's neck from behind. Lincoln reached back, grabbed a handful of Johnny's dreads, and yanked as hard as he could.

"Boys!" Mom cried. "Cut it out now!"

"Get off me!" Lincoln yelled.

"Let go of my hair!"

The deafening crack of their father's belt rang through the house, and both boys jumped in holy terror. Shoving each other away, they scrambled back onto the couch and sat perfectly still, their feud totally forgotten in the face of having their asses torn to pieces by Dad's leathery vengeance.

"That's what I thought," Dad said from the kitchen.

Little known fact: That meme about black parents being strict ain't no joke. Mom just yelled, but Dad actually acted. One time he made Johnny and Lincoln sit in a squatting position with their backs against the wall for an hour because they broke the TV during one of their scuffles. Another time, he took literally everything out of their room and threw it away because he overheard them complaining that they "never got anything" when Mom took them to the store. Now you really don't have anything, Dad said, how does it feel?

Not good.

Not good at all.

"Anyway," Johnny said, "I have an idea."

"What?" Lincoln grumbled.

Johnny told him, and a little of his anger drained away. It was dumb, but funny, and after a little convincing, he was 100 percent onboard. The plotted the prank meticulously, even crafting contingency plans for every possible thing that could go wrong. Lincoln did most of the planning, since that was where he excelled. Johnny was smart and could think on his feet, but he was better at actualization. IE, doing. Lincoln was the opposite. He could do, but he was better off in a strategizing role.

It was all planned down to the slightest detail and Johnny most certainly did not need a lookout.

"I just want you there, okay?" The needy inflection in his voice pulled at Lincoln's heartstrings. For whatever reason, Johnny wanted him there and, sigh, there he would wind up being.

"Fine," he sighed.

"Great," Johnny said, "this is gonna be epic."

They waited for a city bus to pass before crossing the street. On Franklin, they followed the sidewalk past big, middle class homes with parcel lawns. Their house was ahead on the right, light yellow with a blue slate roof and neatly trimmed hedges encircling the backyard, where a trampoline waited for frolic and fun. A group of kids played hockey in the middle of the street, two overturned metal trash cans facing each other and serving as goals. Lincoln and Johnny ignored them and started across their front lawn when a voice called out to them. "Hey. weirdos!"

As one, they turned just as Lynn Loud Jr. rolled up on a pair of clunky, ancient skates that she either got fourth hand from her grandparents or dug out of a dumpster. Squat and wirey with short brown hair and a missing front tooth, she wore black shorts and an oversized red starter jacket with cuffs that constantly slipped over her hands.

"Hey, Lynn," Johnny said, and the glint in his eye told Lincoln he was already thinking of what was to come.

Lincoln watched Lynn come with a twist of pleasant apprehension. He kind of had a thing for her.

Lynn rolled down the walkway, then shuffled over the grass, her wheels tearing clumps from the ground and making Lincoln wince. Dad was gonna be mad. "You guys know what tonight is?" Lynn asked.

Of course Lincoln knew what night it was: The big season finale of ARGGH! Hunter Spectre was going to film live from an abandoned mental hospital reputed to be haunted by man-eating ghosts so ugly and terrifying just glimpsing them drove men insane. Everyone in school was going to watch it, and if anyone missed it, they would be a laughingstock for the rest of their academic lives, and probably their regular lives too unless they left town and moved somewhere else after they graduated.

"I'm really stoked," Lynn said. "You guys should come over and watch it with us."

Johnny and Lincoln exchanged a big, nervous smile. Lynn's family was great and all but...uh...big. Very big. And very loud. She had nine sisters ranging in age from seventeen to, like, thirteen months or something. There was Lori, the oldest, who wore her hair short in the back but long in the front. She gave great dating advice and was a master at video games, but she tripped a lot about dumb stuff too, like Lincoln using a coaster and bringing his pet rat over. Leni, at sixteen, was next. Kind of ditzy, she dressed in torn jeans and wore her blonde hair up under a aquamaria watch cap. She was big into fashion and gave Lincoln and Johnny the best tips...but she also savaged the heck out of them when she didn't like what they were wearing. She once told Johnny to "take that stupid paperbag off your head, you totes look like a fool" and called Lincoln's gray army-style coat "fugly."

Luna, fifteen, was into rock. She helped Johnny learn to play guitar better and kind of helped Lincoln with his cello; she wasn't very good at it, but fronted like she was. Luan...Jeez, Luan. Fourteen she wore her hair in these afro puff looking things that put Lincoln in mind of Mickey Mouse. She wore yellow pants with suspenders and a pink bowtie like a clown - which was the point, Lincoln supposed. She taught him and Johnny the fine art of pranking. Bad move, lol, because he and Johnny put what they had learned into practice all the time.

Lynn was next in line. She was a sportsaholic BIG TIME and often roped Johnny and Lincoln into playing with her. Johnny was more athletically gifted and enjoyed it, Lincoln did not. Thanks to her, he was better than he used to be, but still not good enough that getting tackled into the pavement didn't bring tears to his eyes.

Below Lynn on the food chain was Lucy. She wore a big black sweater that slipped down her shoulders and over her hands much like Lynn's jacket (guess Mama and Papa Loud can't afford clothes that fit their kids). She was missing a bunch of teeth either because the Tooth Fairy liked her or the dentist didn't. She wrote shockingly good poetry for an eight-year-old and taught Lincoln and Johnny about metric and lyrical stuff. You know, poetry junk. Which really helped when Lincoln and Johnny wrote songs together.

After Lucy came the twins, Lana and Lola, both as different from the other as fire is from ice. Lana was an animal loving Little Miss Fix-It who wore denim overalls over a green shirt (one strap left undone because the clasp was broken) and a green fireman hat looking thing. She taught Lincoln and Johnny a little about home repair, which came in handy when they broke something; now they had a fighting chance of putting whatever it was back together instead of getting their butts whipped by Dad. Lola wore her hair in these elaborate pigtails held in place by two pink bows apiece, a pink shirt, and a white blouse accented by a pink tie.

Next to last was Lisa, the genius in a green and black sweater vest and brown skirt. From her, they learned science-y stuff.

Finally, there was Lily, your typical baby. She drooled and said "Poo-poo" a lot. Oh, and she had a crush on Johnny. I know, strange, right? Lincoln didn't understand it, but every time Johnny was around, she batted her eyelashes and acted super flirty. Craziest thing ever. Lincoln and Johnny babysat her a few times for pocket change. Literally, Mr. Loud handed them a palm-full of pennies, pocket lint, and a lottery ticket that had already been scratched off. With such a huge brood, he and the missus were poor as sin, so Lincoln didn't hold it against him.

Anyway, the Loud girls were cool, but once you got them all together, it turned into a madhouse real fast. Lincoln wanted to watch ARGGH, not Lana and Lola bickering, Lynn picking her toenails, Lori bossing everyone around, Luan cracking dumb jokes, Lucy writing poetry, everyone talking, laughing, fighting, stomping, ahhhh, Jeez, shut up, MY SHOW IS ON.

"Maybe," Johnny said noncommittally.

"Possibly," Lincoln added.

One of Lynn's friends called out to her, and she screamed over her shoulder for them to wait. "You should come over," she said, "we're gonna make popcorn and drink store brand cola until we puke." She uttered a breathy chuckle. "Anyway, gotta go, see ya!"

With that, she turned around and trudged off, tearing up even more of the lawn. When she was gone, Johnny swatted Lincoln's chest with the back of his hand and nodded to the front door. They went inside and crept up the stairs so they didn't disturb their mother, asleep on the couch after a long day of homemaking. In Johnny's room, Johnny went to the window, lifted the sash, and crouched down to watch the Loud house. His pet parrot Sergio flew over and perched on his shoulder. Lincoln's pet rat Cinnamon trotted in and Lincoln stooped down to pick him up. "Hey, boy," he said and tucked him into the breast pocket of his jacket. Cinnamon popped his head out and wiggled his whiskers.

Lincoln knelt next to his brother, laid his hands on the sill, and studied the facade of the house across the way. Lana and Lola came down the sidewalk and went inside, then a moment later, Lucy followed. Lynn and her friends wrapped up their game momentarily, and she went inside just ahead of Leni, who walked up with her hands up and bent like a begging dog.

"You ready, bro?" Johnny asked.

Lincoln leaned over and grabbed two walkie talkies from the nightstand. He tossed one to Johnny and kept one for himself. "Just like we planned," he said.

"Yeah, yeah, yeah, I know," Johnny said. He turned his radio on and shoved it into one of the pockets of his green army coat. "West wall, front window, dining room."

As chaotic as the Loud House could be, there was a strict afternoon schedule that Mr. and Mrs. Loud somehow got their daughters to follow. After all of the kids were home from school, they gathered in the dining room to do their homework. At 5:30, come heck or high water, Mr. Loud served dinner - usually some putrid dish of his own devising - and then, starting at 7, each Loud girl went through her nightly routine, whatever that constituted. None of that mattered for Lincoln and Johnny's purpose, however. It was - Lincoln checked his watch - currently 4:00. The Louds would be just sitting down at the table with their books and worksheets. "Give it a few," Lincoln said. "Let them get settled in."

Johnny drummed his fingers on the window sill and twitched with nervous energy. Lincoln stroked Cinnamon between the eyes with his finger. He could be playing Primus right now. Instead he was -

"Uh-oh," Johnny said, and Lincoln looked up.

"What?"

"It's Ronnie Anne."

Lincoln sagged. Ronnie Anne Santiago was his and Johnny's...uh...what's the term for someone you both like and hate at the same time? Frienemy came to mind, so he'd go with that; she was their frenemy. They had known her since pre-k and they never really got along with her. She was loud, rude, bossy, and she'd take a toy right out of your hand if she took it into her head. When her brother, Bobby, started dating Lori last year, however, she got funny and started picking on Lincoln mad hard. Shoved a slice of pizza down his pants, punched him in the back of his head, called him a buck-tooth lame-o with a limp handshake, you know, typical sadistic bully stuff. Lincoln took it because what was he gonna do? Johnny started picking on her in return and it turned into a metaphorical three way slap fight. One day Lincoln and Johnny were walking home when they stumbled across her sitting on a bench and looking sad. Johnny wanted to ignore her, but the hangdog expression in her eyes cut Lincoln deeply and even though she was a female asshole, he sat beside her and asked what was wrong.

Turns out, she and Bobby were really close and when he started dating that shewolf Lori (at least that's what RA called her), Bobby got kind of distant. He was all about Lori, and suddenly RA didn't have her big brother around anymore.

Since their talk, he and Johnny had been cool with RA, but it was the fragile kind of peace that exists along a disputed border, or between Israel and the Arabs.

Lincoln got to his knees and peered out the window; Ronnie Anne was coming up the walk, her hand shoved into the pockets of her purple hoodie. A tall Hispanic girl with chopped black hair that barely reached her shoulders, she wore a skirt and purple socks pulled up to her knees. Her brow was set in an angry V and her eyes flashed with malice. To be fair, she always looked that way.

As one, Johnny and Lincoln ducked out of sight. The doorbell rang, and they winced. "What does she want?" Lincoln asked.

"I dunno," Johnny said, "but she's going to ruin our plans."

The doorbell rang again, twice in rapid succession. A minute later, heavy footsteps ascended the stairs and Ronnie Anne came into the room. Johnny tensed and Lincoln held his breath.

Without a word, she flung herself onto the bed and propped her legs up in an M. "I swear, I could kill Lori," she said.

She kicked one leg up and crossed her arms. The bottom of her shoe was caked in mud, and clumps littered the bed. "Uh...can you get off my bed?" Johnny asked. "You're getting mud all over it."

RA shot him a dirty look, then ground her feet into the cover. "Forget your bed, knucklehead, forget you bed."

Johnny sighed and hung his head.

"Like I was saying," RA said and sat up, "she's hogging Bobby and I'm sick of her. I wanna get back at her somehow."

Johnny cracked a grin. "Yeah? Check it, we're about to prank the Louds."

RA's brow furrowed seriously. "I'm listening."

Johnny got to his feet. "Come on." He went about the foot of the bed and left the room. RA followed, and in a few minutes, they were stealing across the front lawn at a crouch like two ninjas creeping through the dark. Lincoln knelt in front of the window and rolled his eyes. He picked up the radio, depressed the talk button, and said, "You're acting suspicious, knock it off."

Down below, they both stood up straight and moseyed across the street, trying to look innocent but looking guilty instead. Aw, jeez. He glanced at Sergio, who roosted on his shoulder, and the bird seemed to share his vexation.

Across the street, Johnny and Ronnie Anne disappeared around the house. Lincoln leaned forward and gripped the sill, his heart starting to race. He clamped his bottom lip between his teeth and steeled himself. He and Johnny made the fart bomb using knowledge they had acquired from Luan, Lisa, and Lana, and he knew it would work...but how well? Enough to clear the room? Or would it fizzle and produce a quick whiff of rotten eggs?

Suddenly, Johnny and RA dashed out from around the corner and darted across the street. Behind them, the Loud house seemed to tremble, and a jet of green smoke shot up from the chimney. The world shuddered, and Lincoln's heart jumped into his throat. RA and Johnny got back, panting and wheezing from the run, just as 1216's front door opened and Luna stumbled out. Green smoke billowed out around her, and Lincoln's nose pinched at the smell.

Johnny dropped onto the bed and caught his breath, and RA knelt next to Lincoln. Luna knelt in her front yard, coughing and hacking, and Luan and Lana lay on their sides, dry retching. Leni staggered out from the mist rolling through the door, then Lori. "Ha," RA said, "how do you like it, Lori?"

Lynn came out next, Lisa and Lola clinging to her back like monkeys, then Mr. and Mrs. Loud, Mr. Loud holding Lily, who, impossibly, wore a tiny baby-sized gas mask. Johnny wedged between Lincoln and Ronnie Anne, then slapped his hand to his nose. "Aw, man, that reeks."

"Smells like payback," Ronnie Anne said. She took a deep breath and let it out in a dreamy sigh. Johnny and Lincoln looked at each other. Something's wrong with this girl, Johnny seemed to say.

I know, Lincoln replied.

Mr. Loud sat in the middle of the lawn, knees hugged to his chest, and rocked back and forth like the shell-shocked survivor of a monster tornado. Lucy waved her hand in front of her face and Lana sniffed the air like a tiny dog. "This is making me hungry," Lincoln heard her say.

"We got 'em," Johnny said.

"We sure did," RA replied.

"Still not as fun as Primus," Lincoln said.

RA rolled her eyes. "Oh, shut up, you suck at Primus."

Lincoln finched. "No I don't."

Johnny laughed. "Yes you do, dude. You've never even made it past level three."

Lincoln opened his mouth to argue but couldn't. As much as he enjoyed playing Primus, he was pretty bad at it. He always got hung up on level three, where non-elucardian shapes and sub geometric patterns formed the background to the action. It gave him a headache and made him feel like he was going to throw up. "You barely made it past," he said because what else could he say?

"So?" Johnny asked smugly. "I made it past, that's all that matters."

Lincoln opened his mouth but Ronnie Anne's phone cut him off. She checked it, then got to her feet. "That's my mom, I gotta go. Nice pranking with you losers." She punched Johnny's arm, then Lincoln's. It felt like being shot and even after she was gone, stinging tears welled in his eyes. Johnny rubbed the spot she hit and hissed through his teeth.

"No pain, no gain," the older boy said with a sheepish smile.

That didn't make sense but whatever. The prank was done, the Louds were starting to go back in, and Lincoln wouldn't get to play Primus until tomorrow.

On the bright side, ARGGH! came on in less than three hours.

Now that was something to get excited about.

Lincoln and sat side-by-side at the dinner table, their mother across from them and Dad at the head of a table like a banqueting king. Bald and bullish with a neck like a pack of Hewbrew National, his gut strained against his dingy yellow wife beater and every so often, a pea or dollop of mashed potatoes dropped from his fork and disappeared into the folds of his man breasts. Mom, her snowy white hair held back from her forehead by an orange clip, ate sparingly, like a finicky bird. People could never get over how much Lincoln looked like his mother; it was almost like she was an R'63 genderswap version of him...or he of her. Neither boy looked particularly like their father, and some people said they were the milkman's kids. That was false. Their long time milkman was white.

And gay.

"You boys do your homework?" Dad asked.

"Yes, sir," Johnny and Lincoln said in unison.

"Your room clean?"

"Yes, sir."

Mom took a drink of iced tea, then picked up a serving bowl filled with peas. "Would you like more, sweetie?" she asked them.

"No, ma'am."

After dinner, Lincoln and Johnny cleared the table and did the dishes. Johnny washed and Lincoln dried, then wiped down the counter and put the leftovers away. Dad said that chores were the Lord's way of keeping ones' hands busy (idle hands do the Devil's work, you know), and Lincoln had to reluctantly agree with him.

As he cleaned the stove, he kept one eye on the Felix the cat clock on the wall: Its tail swished back and forth with every second, and the hand crept ever closer to ARGGH time. Lincoln was pumped. With any luck, Hunter Specter would encounter the ghost of the Weeping Woman, the spirit said to stand in a corner facing the wall. Legend has it that if you approach her, she'll turn around and steal your face because she doesn't have one of her own.

Spooky.

Five minutes before the appointed time, Lincoln and Johnny went into the living room, but came up short.

Aw, man.

Dad sat in his Lazy-Boy with his feet propped up and a can between his legs. On TNT, AEW Dynamite was on: Two guys grappled in the middle of the ring while Jim Ross and Tony Schivone called the play-by-play. Dad was a huge wrestling fan and believed, even as an almost forty year old man, that it was real. I watched Undertaker send Mankind through the top of a cage at King of the Ring, he said once, that wasn't fake.

Sure it wasn't, Dad.

Lincoln slumped his shoulders, then remembered something.

The livestream.

Upstairs, he and Johnny sat on Johnny's bed and Lincoln fired up his laptop. "Thank God for streaming," Lincoln said.

A voice drifted through the window, and Lincoln strained to hear it. It sounded mournful. "What was that?" Johnny asked.

"I don't know," Lincoln said and sat his computer aside, "but we'd better have a look."

They got up, went to the window, and knelt. Outside, it was full dark and stars twinkled in the sky overhead like flecks on ice on black velvet. The houses up and down the street all blazed with light...except for 1216.

Lynn Sr. and the others stood in a big group on the front lawn. "...the stink was so bad it corroded the breaker box," Lisa explained to no one in particular, "and therefore, we have lost power."

"What?" Lola and Lana cried. "But ARGGH!"

"We'll just have to skip it."

Everyone started talking over each other. Luna sank to her knees and let out a bereaved cry, Lori sobbed that she "literally couldn't miss this episode", Luan hung her head, Lucy threw her head back and asked, "powers of darkness, why have you forsaken me?"

Lincoln winced. Missing ARGGH was a fate worse than death. He turned to his older brother and glared at him. Johnny offered a sheepish smile. "Good going, they're going to miss ARGGH because of you."

A look of guilt crossed Johnny's face and he hung his head much the way Luan had. He was a mischief making little punk sometimes, but he was cursed - as was Lincoln - with their mother's heart and compassion. He knew he messed up big time and he was sorry. It was hard to stay mad at him under the circumstances, but Lincoln did anyway. Without a single ounce of effort, he put himself into the Loud girls shoes and he didn't like what he saw. If it was him out there, left in the dark and facing the ugly prospect of missing ARGGH, he'd be crushed, devastated, beside himself with fury, hopelessness, and plain old sadness...so, so much sadness. "You just had to let your hubris get the best of you," he said, "you just had to get your sick kicks at other peoples' expense. What's next, you gonna steal my lunch money? You gonna shove Ronnie Anne down a flight of stairs? You gonna set Sid, Stella, and Liam on fire like a pyro?"

Sid, Stella, and Liam were his and Johnny's friends at Royal County Elementary. Lincoln and Johnny had a bad reputation in town for scamming people - hey, Dad wasn't exactly liberal with allowance - and no one trusted them. For the longest time, they sat alone at lunch next to the wall like in the Diary of a Wimpy Kid books, outcasted and reviled by their classmates. Stella and Sid felt bad for them and sat with them one day. The only kids in the entire school who even tried...and Johnny was gonna set them on fire, wasn't he?

Lincoln realized what he was thinking and blinked. No, he wouldn't do that. Sigh, he just made a mistake, that's all.

"I'm sorry," Johnny said earnestly, "I didn't mean to, I was just having fun. I didn't think it'd knock their power out. You gotta believe me, Linc."

Lincoln took a deep breath. "Alright. Still, they're gonna miss ARGGH."

An idea struck him.

"Unless…"

Johnny looked up, puzzled. "What?"

Lincoln opened his mouth but closed it again. Did he really want to do this? Did he really? No. He did not. On the other hand, how many times had the Loud girls helped them out? Lori with her video game advice, Leni with her fashion tips - Jeez, Luna spent hours helping Johnny learn to play Whole Lotta Rosie, and even though he stank, she never lost her patience, never snapped, never even told him how much he stank. She was endlessly patient and encouraging. Lynn tackled like a freight train, but she never tackled Lincoln as hard as she did everyone else because she knew his brittle bones couldn't take it. Lucy, Luan, Lana - man, the list went on and on. The Louds were a school of piranha sometimes, but they were always good to him and Johnny. What kind of friend - what kind of person - would Lincoln be if he wasn't willing to help them out in their time of need?

A real dirtbag.

He'd be a colossal dirtbag and he would never be able to live with himself. Every time he looked in the mirror until the day he died, he would see the selfish little buck-tooth boy who turned his back on his friends when they needed him.

No.

Not today.

"What?" Johnny pressed.

By way of answering, Lincoln lifted the screen and stuck his head out the window. Warm night air redolent of flowers caressed his face and the distant hiss of traffic on the highway two miles to the west found his ears. Mr. Loud was on his knees now and sobbing into his hands. "Why?" he lamented. "Why me?"

Lincoln took a deep breath. "Hey!" he called.

The Louds turned, all looking sad and miserable, as though a beloved relative had just croaked out in front of them. Lincoln nervously rubbed the back of his neck and took a deep breath. "Do ?"

"Y'all wanna come watch ARGGH with us?" Johnny cut in.

Everyone perked out, and all of a sudden, all twelve of them made a madcap dash across the street, cheering, pumping their fists, and, in Mr. Loud's case, shaking their butts and chanting, "I get to watch ARRGH to-night! I get to watch ARGGH to-night!"

Five minutes later, Lincoln and Johnny sat on Johnny's bed while the Louds crowded around. Lori entered with a bowl of popcorn, Leni fetched a fifteen-pack of Chocolate Cherry Cola from Lincoln's stash, and Luna played air guitar. "Alright, man, let's watch some ghostage!"

"I hope he wrestles a ghosts," Lynn Jr. said and pumped her fist. She grabbed Luan in a sleeper hold, and Luan cried out. "Tap out, Chuckles."

Luan's face turned purple and she thrashed against her sister's attack. Lori wedged herself between Lincoln and Johnny. She crossed her legs, sat the bowl in her lap, and tossed a handful of popcorn into her mouth. 'Thanks for inviting us over," she said, "you guys are literally lifesavers."

"No problem," Lincoln said.

"It's the least we could do," Johnny said through a penitent smile.

Lucy leaned over Johnny, plucked a kernel of popcorn, and held it up to examine it like a jeweler studying a precious stone. "This one looks like a skull," she deadpanned. She clamped it between her teeth and bit down slowly, probably imagining bone cracking and turning to dust on her tongue.

Lily crawled up next to Johnny and batted her eyelashes. "Poo-poo," she purred.

Johnny chuckled nervously. "Uh...hi."

She laid her head affectionately on his knee and he tensed, then gave her back a stiff pat.

"Lynn Jr.!" Mr. Loud cried. He was wearing a Hunter Spectre mask and only his hard-set eyes were visible. "Let go of your sister."

Reproached, Lynn undhanded Luan, and Luan sank to the floor, coughing and clawing at her throat. Leni slammed a Chocolate Cherry Cola, then opened another. She threw it back and some of the contents sluiced down the sides of her mouth in brown rivulets. "Like, this stuff is SO good." A mad look crept into her eyes and she trembled like a high tension wire.

"I think that's enough of the sugar," Lincoln said.

He reached to take Leni's third cola away from her, but she spun on him, teeth sharp and eyes blazing. "I'll tell you when I've had enough, white hair!"

"Leni!" Mrs. Loud cried, appalled. Her face was hidden behind a big foam finger shaped like a ghost.

Len seemed to regain her senses, then stuck out her bottom lip. "I mean...just one more. Please?"

"Sure," Lincoln said. He wasn't going to make the mistake of getting between her and her soda ever again.

At the foot of the bed, Lana and Lola argued over a toy, one pulling left and the other pulling right. "It's mine!" Lola squeal.

"No, it's mine," he twin replied.

Lynn snatched it away, tossed it into the air, and caught it one handed, a smug smile spreading across her lips. "You know the rules, if you fight over it, it automatically belongs to -"

Screeching a primal battle cry, Lana and Lola pounced Lynn and smashed into her as one, knocking her backwards. She hit the nightstand and fell to the floor. The lamp wobbled and almost fell, but at the last minute, Lincoln shot out his hand and saved it. Whew.

"Knock it off," Mr. Loud called. "The show's starting."

The ARRGH logo flashed across the screen and the spooky theme music played. Lincoln settled in, munched popcorn, and drank Chocolate Cherry Cola until his bladder burst. The Loud girls talked, screamed in terror when Hunter encountered a ghost that turned out to be a curtain fluttering in the breeze, and bickered back and forth the entire time, but you know what? Lincoln enjoyed himself, and that night, he realized that while doing things might be great, it's the people you do them with who really make them special.

Johnny felt the same way. "You know," he said, "I'm kind of glad I accidentally knocked out your power."

Lincoln's heart sank.

"Yeah," Lori said, "so am - wait, that fart bomb came from YOU?"

The Loud all glared at Johnny, and Johnny flashed a big, toothy smile.

Lincoln realized something else that night.

Girls can hit just as hard as boys.

THE END.