Sarah wanted to scream. Slamming the phone down in its cradle, she sighed and massaged her temples, trying to assuage the ache that was already beginning to form behind her eyes.

Bloody Karen.

Every single Christmas, Karen had cheerily requested that Sarah brought along a nice young man to meet their family and every single Christmas, Sarah determinedly showed up alone and single.

This year, however, Karen wasn't taking no for an answer. Her Auntie Minnie was looking forward to meeting the young man that Sarah had fallen for, which left Sarah with a major dilemma. She was still sadly single, and definitely not interested to bring any of the creepy guys that kept hitting on her at work.

Which only left her with one option.

Grabbing a pen, Sarah threw herself down behind her desk, furiously scribbling a note.

Temporary Pretend Boyfriend needed.

Currently recruiting a boyfriend for the festive season. Relationship experience desirable but not essential. Temporary role with potential of being kept on in the new year depending on the individual.

"What are you doing?" her friend Glenda asked as approached.

"Putting out an ad for a fake boyfriend to take to the family holiday event." Sarah said as she picked up the phone to call the newspaper.

"Seriously? How can that end well?"

"Can't end any worse than it usually does. Me faking a migraine to hide in my room for 3 days." Sarah replied as she tapped out the number to the classified office, being I formed it would run via the newspaper and the website.

It didn't take long to get the ad sorted, and the guy that took the ad didn't even hesitate. He'd heard far stranger requests.

"Now all I need to do is wait for replies, pick one, and my problems are over."

Glenda shook her head. "Hope you gave your personal phone number and not the apartment phone. I'm not taking your pervy suitor calls."

"Crap I forgot all about that." Sarah quickly called the newspaper back and gave an email to contact her at. Hanging up the phone she smiled at her room mate. "At least with emails I can delete and block if needed."

Glenda shook her head and left to do some last minute shopping before the stores closed for the night.

Sarah, mindful of the inevitable shitstorm she had just welcomed into her holidays, headed into the kitchen to pour herself a drink. She had the feeling it would be the first of many.

Sarah stared wistfully at the remaining bottle of wine on the counter. Usually she didn't indulge in more than 2 glasses of wine on a school night, but what the hell? Shrugging her shoulders, she grabbed the bottle and settled herself on the couch, sighing contentedly as she wrapped herself in a blanket.

Her black cat, Smudge, chose at that moment to make her presence known and Sarah could instantly feel her blood pressure return to normal as she scratched her purring kitty behind the ears.

The purring Smudge, warm blanket, and heady wine quickly worked, and she headed to bed. She would contend with filtering replies after a good night's rest.

The next day, The ad ran exactly as she had dictated it, perfect word for word. Even so, she knew from the moment the first replies began to roll in, the whole thing had been a mistake.

By midday, she had already waded her way through sixteen poorly veiled scams, twelve outright offers for sex, and more unsolicited dick pics than she would have cared to see in a lifetime. She groaned as she deleted the latest wrinkled attempt to woo her, already vowing revenge on Karen, the sick puppies responsible for inventing cameras and the internet, and the universe as a whole.

"They can't all be gross perverts or complete wastes of my time, can they?" Then, a moment later: "They can. Of course they can. Oh, Jesus Christ, Sarah, what the hell were you thinking?"

Her eyes screwed shut as she took another sip of coffee. "Okay, we need to get through these. We need to stop being picky and try answering one of the less creepy ones. There has to be at least someone in here who knows how to spell their name and chew with their mouth closed."

Over the next day, she had close to a hundred more, and most ranged from mildly repulsive to downright scary.

"I'm going to have to change my email after this." she said to herself.

After filtering through them all, she found 3 she thought *might* be candidates and were willing to provide references. Michael, a seemingly harmless actor type who happily had a boyfriend, but needed the money; Chad, a graduate student, English major at NYU who was looking also looking to make extra cash and worked at a coffee shop, and Jay, who described himself as a newcomer to the US and an entrepreneur who didn't need the money but could use a weekend away from his busy import/export company.

She wrote a much more carefully worded reply to all three, naming a very public, busy restaurant that they could set up a time to meet, and waited for a reply back.

Chad was the first to reply back and suggested the restaurant he worked at. She recognized the address and agreed.

Michael also replied but asked for a later date as he had an audition.

As she was leaving for her meeting with Chad, a reply from Jay popped up. He'd accepted her suggestion. She quickly replied that she'd get back to him later with specifics, mentioning that she was off to meet another candidate, and left before he could respond again.

This was a huge mistake.

Entering the restaurant, Sarah shuddered as a cold feeling of dread washed over her, and she physically had to stop herself from turning on her heel and running for the exit. Unfortunately she should have listened to her gut instinct.

Chad, as it turned out, was the missing link to the neanderthal. After greeting Sarah warmly enough, she offered her cheek for a friendly kiss and shrieked in disgust as Chad chose to lick her face instead, before opening his mouth wide and giving her (what he hoped) was a winning smile. It was a shame, Sarah thought as she tried desperately not to gag, that he only had five teeth left.

"Lady smells good!" he squealed happily, the high pitched voice making Sarah shudder in trepidation as a few curious heads turned in their direction.

Dammit, she couldn't leave without making a scene!

Sarah smiled awkwardly and discreetly backed away. Chad either didnt notice or had some sense of self-preservation. Ignoring the oddly increasingly strong feeling of danger and deja vu, Sarah asked, "So you're Chad? Is there anything you recommend?" Chad stayed silent and smiled goofily down at her. "Lady like muscles? Squee-Chad! Chad has muscles! Want to see?"

Sarah felt a migraine coming on, and rubbed her head as the man stood up and posed various ways, flexing and preening for all to see.

"Look, Chad...I don't think this is working out. You seem nice but, my folks, we'll they are picky." She lied, smiling to keep him calm.

The blonde stopped mid pose and stared sadly at her. "No like Chad? But...but..."

It started with sniffling and tears, and then he threw himself on the floor wailing and screeching, rolling around at her feet while everyone stared, horrified.

"Chad..." Sarah repeated several times. Then he crawled up and grabbed around the waist, sobbing. "WHHHHYYYY WHHHHYYYY YOU NO LIKE CHAD! LAAAADY PLEEEEASEEE..."

"Ma'am, you and your...friend are disturbing the other diners and are going to have to leave. " The manager came over, followed by 2 large bouncers from the bar area, and a couple of waiters.

Sarah was trying to pry the screeching weirdo off of her. "I'm trying! He won't let go!"

"Your boyfriend..." The manager began.

"He's not! I swear I just met the guy! I thought he worked here?"

The manager denied even knowing Chad.

Together with the manager, bouncers, 3 waiters, and another customer, they finally managed to pry the man off a red faced Sarah, and dragged him away as the police arrived.

Sarah then had explain to the police that it was a blind date, too embarrassed to tell anyone the real reason.

As they finished another officer came in, white faced.

"What is it?" the cop taking her statement asked.

The disturbed looking officer hesitated, his eyes shifting back and forth. "Well...l was about to handcuff the guy, had him in a hold, and...he sort of...escaped. First he giggled, then he was...just gone. It was fucking weird."

"What?! How?!" The other cop asked incredulously.

"Must be some kind of escape artist, man he is just *gone*"

They both took off, and Sarah plopped back on a chair. She turned to the waiter standing by. "Can I get a gin and tonic please? Heavy on the gin?"

The waiter left and she sat there alone, cursing her bad luck.

After 3 gin and tonics and a handful of peanuts, Sarah decided to head home. Against her better judgment, she checked her messages. There was more spam, at least three dozen more replies to her ad that she was afraid to open and new messages from both Michael and Jay.

After the chaos that was her meeting with Chad, Sarah wondered if she should even bother. Sighing she opened Michael's email. He apologized for the delay and said he was free to meet the next night if she wanted. "Oh well what the hell, they all can't be prizes like Chad right?" She quickly sent a reply and prayed this meeting went better than the first.

She started to get up and head to bed when she realized she hadn't looked at the message from Jay. His reply had arrived shortly after she left for her meeting with Chad.

"I understand your wish to interview multiple candidates. I wish you luck with your meeting. If he is not what you're looking for, I shall meet you whenever is most convenient for you. I've decided to take a couple of days off from my busy schedule in order to see the sites a bit. Even if you don't wish to meet with me I would appreciate any suggestions you have on places I should visit while in your fair city. Hope to hear from you soon.

-Jay"

Sarah smiled as she read his message. "Well he seems nice, maybe I'll meet with him even if Michael isn't a disaster." Sarah quickly typed a reply and suggested some of her favorite places around the city and offered to meet him the day after tomorrow at the restaurant she had mentioned before.

Ignoring the other messages, she headed to bed and prayed tomorrow would be a much better day.