Fandom: Get Backers
Title: mainichi. (everyday.)
Pairing: Juubei + Kazuki
Rating: PG
Description: Juubei's injured, but Kazuki's finally found the answer as to why Ginji left Mugenjyou.

Note: This has a weird format and but please enjoy!

Disclaimer: Get Backers isn't mine.

Self-doubt is a double-edged sword.
It can injure you. It can inspire you.

But either way,
It causes destruction and rebirth,

whether or not you like the person you become.

And yet we try to believe that we are "ourselves"
throughout all these years of this wavering existence.

mainichi. (everyday.)
by miyamoto yui

Tinkle, tinkle.

The bells on his hair gave a slight protest to slight shaking of the young man leaning over the stove. The young man with the long hair clenched his hands over the stove as the water was about to boil. He bent over the stove a bit more with his eyes closed in such tightness that his futile attempt to stop the tears would soon be betrayed when he opened them. When he did, two tears had dropped into the pot with the flame wanting to touch him. He stepped away and leaned his back on the wall behind him in that small hallway. He looked at his right side and wanted to run away even if it was just for a moment. The closed door was inviting, but as he heard his lover's heavy breathing through his sleep, he just took out the paste from the refrigerator and put some of it into the water as it mixed together.

He tried not to cry more as he felt his heart cringe within him in frustration, care and anger at everything around them.

When had things come to this?
He had known that their peacefulness came in bouts of other people's whims.

Then, he stopped to look to his left side before going towards his lover. The pretty-eyed man stared out watched the approaching dawn, how it contrasted everything that he felt at the very moment. But his eyes caught a glimpse of the dreamcatcher hanging on the balcony. It comforted him somewhat, but he was still distressed by his mixed and anxious feelings crashing head on inside of him.

There was never a true day of relaxation. You never knew what was going to happen. I was always waiting even though my eyes and my face would tell people otherwise, my deceiving beauty would even convince my reflection that there was nothing wrong.

Then, I turned off the stove and shook my head as I put the broth into a bowl. I smiled widely to myself and went through the door that led to our room. I turned to my left side to find him sleeping on our bed. I sat next to him on the bed and touched his bangs with my fingers. I looked deeply into his face even though he couldn't tell that my own eyes were becoming blurry. How long must I act like I am so strong?

But of course with you, Juubei, I don't have to be everything that people tell me, right?
I never understood what my mother told me until you scolded me at that time...

She always told me to grab hold onto what I believed was myself and that was enough to keep living. To live with all my heart, no matter the grins or the tears.

I didn't understand it because I was so young then…

"Juubei, time to eat some breakfast," I whispered quietly while pushing my tears away, trying my best not to make him too worried.

I put the soup over onto the table as he reached out weakly for my face. His hand didn't waver as he put his thumb under my eyelids to rub away the tears. "Juubei…"
"What are you worried for, Kazuki?"

I closed my eyes as I tried to absorb the warmth of his hand. I held it as it was about to drop from the weight since he was still weak from the last mission.

I kissed his palm and pressed the hand onto my cheek. "Because you never think about yourself. How many times do I have to tell you that if something happens to you, then how am I supposed to feel?"

"What is the point of me being with you if I can't protect you?" Juubei asked as he kept his tone calm even though he was saddened by Kazuki's raindrops and pained voice.

"Is this what it's all about? I keep on telling you that I can take care of myself."
"I swore that I'd be by your side forever."
"As my companion, Juubei. Not as my servant." Kazuki closed his eyes tighter as he held Juubei's hand firmly. Then he put it on his lap but didn't let go of it.

"Kazuki…" He lifted up his other hand to touch the other side of Kazuki's face. "…don't you understand?
I'm not only trying to protect you, but of the life you lead. The life that we're trying to live."
"That doesn't mean that you always have to take the hit for me all the time-"
"YES. It does." Juubei gulped as his thumb affectionately lightly touched over Kazuki's lips.

Even though he couldn't see too well now, he could perfectly see Kazuki in his head, the purity of the inner and outer beauty that he tried to defend all this time. It was the very thing that kept him going throughout everything.

It was the very thing that kept him alive.

He was the source of his strength, and if that was so, why couldn't he give him everything? It wasn't an option. It was an order from the principles that he lived by.

And he would stand by that with all of his heart to justify it.

"There are things that are worse in the outside world than there were in Mugenjyou, Kazuki. People's hearts are scarier than when they manipulate others for power and control."

It was then that the blind man got up and sat on the bed while his pretty lover fed him some miso soup. As Kazuki looked out the balcony, Juubei tried to deviate the subject so that Kazuki would stop being so troubled. Sometimes it was through this innocence that he couldn't speak through. Even though Kazuki had been sheltered, there were some things that his pure heart could not accept and Juubei had tried his hardest to keep them away from him until it was time.

But of course, there were realities that he couldn't save Kazuki from, even though Kazuki always tried his best to smile through everything. There were things that you couldn't possibly have protected from your loved one, especially about yourself.

Sometimes the scariest person that was beside the one you cared for was yourself because you suffocated them with the amount of affection you gave them.

"How's the weather outside today?" Juubei asked in between the food slurping.

He could feel the wind coming into the room and even though he had a pretty good idea of what was going on since they had been like this for quite a while, he was still trying to get Kazuki to see other things in life than to be constantly thinking of what to do and how to live and survive in the world.

That aesthetically pleasing face was always troubled no matter where he was.

"It's sunny today. There are no clouds and it doesn't look like it'll rain anymore. The rain from last night made the air really, really clear for today," Kazuki answered as he put the bowl down on the table in front of them. Then, he leaned his head on Juubei's shoulder and closed his eyes for a bit out of exhaustion.

Wrapping some of the blanket around both of them, Juubei leaned his head over Kazuki's and cupped his hand somewhat over Kazuki's small waist. He thought about the time that he told Kazuki that he was going to leave him…

+/+/+/+/+/

Kazuki's face turned a bit pallid. He opened his mouth and then closed it. He smiled a hurt smile and nodded his head while trying his best not to cry. He was always trying to be strong like that.

"Why do you have to leave, Juubei?" he asked as he stepped forward.

The wind blew as the tall buildings of Mugenjyou seemed to grow larger with their shadows and felt as if they were going to come over them and collapse any moment.

"I need to train. I need to become stronger so that I don't disgrace you, Kazuki." He grinned the best that he could as his eyes looked deeply into the ones that stared straight back at him.

/If I go, I think I can learn to protect you even more.

And I'm ashamed to admit that if I don't leave now, I'm afraid of what I'll do to you…

The other day when I threw you to the ground, that wasn't just a joke or a practice spar. I really wanted to-

* sigh *

Oh, Kazuki…
The person you need to defend against is me. Because when the time comes, I don't know how much I can rely on myself right now.

I'm so sorry. Please forgive me, Kazuki…/

But by then, Kazuki blinked his eyes. And even though two tears had escaped, he had a determined expression on his face. He held out his hand and grabbed onto Juubei's left hand. "I too want to understand why did our Raijin leave this place. He said it was to become stronger. What I don't understand is how can he become stronger out there when Mugenjyou is the place to train yourself in every aspect imaginable and not."

At that moment, Juubei looked at Kazuki earnestly. His heart felt a little lightened of its burden. He wanted to smile at the innocent remark, that no matter how much Kazuki had gone through, there was still the spirit of unadulterated faith in something that he couldn't describe. And yet, he could feel it through these fingertips, just as much as these fingers and those eyes worked together to become stronger as a person and as a fighter, not only as one of the top in Mugenjyou, but as one of the inhabitants of this world as a whole.

What is so fascinating about leaving this place, Raijin?

When I lived outside of these walls, they always wanted to close me in. For many years, I was held in between those walls of my home and I trained for nothing but my art until I was forced to leave when my mother told me to and everything burned to ashes.

And through it all, all I had was Juubei to remind me and make me remember everything we had passed through together.

Why…
Why would you want to live out there when everything you need is here?

Wasn't everything here, Raijin? Wasn't it?
But that look in your eyes when you looked at the moon for an answer…

I couldn't give you any sense of peace except to touch your head while giving you all of my support. That look nagged me.

And now, as I look into Juubei's eyes while he wants to part from me, I understand somewhat of what you're trying to search for.

Somehow, it is the same thing that I've also tried to find, even though I couldn't really express it to anyone. Not even to myself.

And yet, it was a longing and yearning that kept on grasping onto me desperately in a single prayer to that moon you always searched for before you went to sleep.

Juubei's eyes turned away from his because the weight of the intensity was overpowering him and trying to make him waver from his decision. "It is not like I'm not going to come back. I promise you that this is until I feel that I am worthy of truly being your protector, Kazuki."

But Kazuki was always so smart.

He put his hands on Juubei's face. "Look at me when you tell me that or else I won't believe you. You're lying to me. Why are you doing that? You know I hate that more than anything."

"I'm not lying to you," Juubei answered with a voice tinted with a bit of annoyance as his eyes regarded Kazuki between them.
"Why are you so eager to leave me behind then?"
"Because…"

He was lost in Kazuki's eyes and his touch.

/I don't trust myself. But I can't tell you that./

"I trust you, Juubei." As he said this, his voice became extremely soft and gentle.

Under the darkness around them, even though he was not used to being very affectionate towards anyone, he had found the needle hole that he could push through. All his life, he was used to keeping his distance from people and not to really touch them, especially with the requirements of his art, which was to make people think they were close when they could kill them with their nearly-invisible threads.

He embraced Juubei and closed his eyes almost as if he were wishing. He whispered into his ear, "No matter what you'll put me through, I'm sure you have a reason for it, as I for you. This is just how our relationship works. This is how it's always been. Why are you doubting what has worked?"

"I sometimes don't trust myself when I'm with you, Kazuki. Or what I'll do," he honestly blurted out, not trying to embrace Kazuki, restraining himself with all his composure that was attempting to break down at any moment.

"I won't ever question you." Kazuki's voice became a bit quieter, his warm breath touching Juubei's ears seductively. "Because you have always given me this respect."

At that moment, Kazuki's hands crumpled Juubei's shirt in between his fingers. He pulled him down as he landed on the ground on his back with Juubei's hands on the sides of Kazuki's shoulders. Throughout the whole time, even with the dust floating off the ground, Kazuki never once looked away from Juubei's eyes.

He stared deeply into them.

I don't know why or what I'm doing, but I want you to see this much, Juubei. That no matter where you go or what you do, it'll be hard to shake me off.

Because I trust you so much.

And more than that,
Because I love you too much…

Juubei shook his head and smirked. He smiled as he leaned down to touch forehead to forehead. "You've proven your point."

"Now to seal the deal," Kazuki said while leaning up to kiss him.

Juubei's eyes opened a bit widely. He was surprised by everything that was happening. The tables seemed to be turned at the moment.

+/+/+/+/+/

And now, he was looking at the sleeping Kazuki. He poked his head and said, "No time to sleep. We should go out."
"Huh?" Kazuki yawned sleepily as he gave a worried look. "But you're injured."
"Do you really think this is going to keep me at home? This little scratch?"
Kazuki laughed. "Don't try to act tough if you're really in pain, okay?"
"Same goes for you."

Juubei took a deep breath as he turned his head towards Kazuki. "Seriously, we should just go and walk around the city."
"But you really need to rest."

"I'm not going to waste a day because some jerks decided to hurt my Kazuki." He put his hand on the part of his hair which was tinkling because of the bells attached to it. "And that's where they were signing their own death warrants."
"Okay, okay, you win."

They both helped one another to change and they went out for a walk.

As Kazuki held onto his arm to guide him along the way, Juubei couldn't help but smile.

/Months after they had left Mugenjyou, I looked at Kazuki and we shared chocolate chip cookies together.
"Have you found what the Raijin was looking for, Kazuki?" I asked one day as they were wandering about the city.

Kazuki looked at me with bright eyes. "Not quite, but I'm getting there."/

There was always a dark shadow that loomed over Kazuki's countenance and it always bothered him.
There was a sadness that he couldn't quite fight, but he was trying his best to defeat it with him…

…these darknesses that loomed within their hearts, minds, and memories.

Juubei always bought Kazuki ice cream since they were little so as soon as Kazuki saw an ice cream shop, they both stopped to eat some. They walked around the city slowly, but surely, trying to record different things about the atmosphere and embed the feeling within their hearts and memories.

We're not meant to live "normally". I seemed to always resent that fact.

I was kept in my house and I trained to fight for forces that had no faces to them.
Even though the enemy was sometimes myself…

But I had to keep pushing on as if I knew where I was going. And I hated the fact that other people didn't have to go through what I did or what Juubei did.

And yet, maybe that was all right.

Everyone has their own challenges, and they are given what they can survive through because they can. No one else can go through the same things, through the same circumstance, through the same feelings.
I've accepted that fact that we weren't meant to spend our days as peacefully as this, but it makes these days even sweeter, doesn't it?

People take for granted that they are able to live the way they want, no matter how much they say that someone else may control their lives at certain times.

But all in all, they're able to still live as they want. They're able to feel as they do. They have a choice about everything.

Unfortunately, there are people not so fortunate because they can't or couldn't come to this realization. Everyone is going through a war, whether it is within themselves or with the people around them. There are prisoners in camps and those of their own minds.

But we must persist. Even if there is no immediate reason, it will come eventually. Then, it will fill your heart with an elation and sorrow that parallels no other thing in the universe.

That's the answer I learned to my question about Ginji-san years ago. Why did you leave Mugenjyou?

It was more than selfishness, as it appeared to be. It was to learn to protect the people around him, his life, and what he believed in. He had to become more than the power and strength that was consuming him from the inside.

In order to find the heart of change, he had to conquer himself and become more than he was before.

That is the power of living.

Kazuki finished his ice cream and looked up to blue sky above them. He described the birds and the buildings to Juubei so that he could feel what he was feeling. Even though he couldn't physically see anything, Juubei watched the endless ceiling above him.

It was like all the times in which Juubei would give him stories about the things beyond the constraints of his home and his household. Juubei always seemed to be the connection to the outside walls, whether it was the house he grew up in or the chained heart he kept inside of his chest.

They stood in their spot even with all the people passing by them, some wondering what they were looking for.

"Now, I think I understand why you say what you do. And why you did that for me," Kazuki commented as he tightly took a hold of Juubei's hand.

/There was a time when you cried relentlessly because you couldn't believe I had lost both of my eyes. You asked me how could I choose to live in this darkness.

And I said to you, "What darkness, Kazuki?"

I've seen nothing but light. Nothing but light ever since I've met you because I've learned so much.
That's what I've been protecting all this time.

I've been blinded ever since./

Then, Kazuki smiled quietly to himself while glancing at Juubei while they were walking home with the slightly cold air never penetrating into the bones of their interlocked hands.

As that guy was running towards me, you shouted, "You don't understand anything. You learned nothing from living in Mugenjyou~!"

Then, as he was about to hit me, you jumped in to take the hit. "I've tried too damn hard to have you break what I've tried to preserve~!"

At that moment, I realized what I had been looking for, Juubei.

It wasn't the ability to become stronger as I had always thought.

It was the ability to change. And to appreciate every day that we passed.
Even if it wasn't always peaceful, we worked hard to make the best of our emotions and believe in the strength of our choices.

For, we only have ourselves and the people we are.

That night, before going to bed, Kazuki put his smiling face next to the blue dreamcatcher and bumped his forehead onto its strings. He left the balcony door open and pushed the screen into place.

Sleeping next to Juubei, he snuggled warmly next to him. Juubei held onto him and they both went to sleep.

Whenever you smile at me while pointing your head towards the dreamcatcher hanging on the balcony, you always tell me, "We can't waste the day. I want to enjoy it with you, Kazuki. Every moment of it."

In that very instant, the war suddenly is silenced, and it gives me the strength that I need, Juubei.

That's why I'm able to live on in all of this confusion.
I can't choose what happens around us. I can only choose what to do about it.

Even if we're hanging onto a thread,
for as long as I can,
I want to live on with you, like this,
every single day.

I don't want it any other way.

Owari. / The End.

Author's note: Yes, it is sappy. And I will absorb all the fluff I can 'cause I've been doing nothing but angst. So please enjoy this fic~!

It's a bit different in formatting, but I thought I'd do it this way so that we both get first and third perspectives while getting Juubei's and Kazuki's thoughts too. ^_^

Saturday, August 21, 2004