A/N: Welcome back to my loyal readers and a hearty welcome to new ones!

This is a little one-shot that occurred to me almost complete one day about six months ago. It's the third in my Propriety series. The previous in the series, The Propriety Failure was admittedly a bit heavy going, so I thought to lighten things up a bit.

This is a new style for me (I know - I always say that). I started out with dialogue-only like Emma Bee and The Wedding Afternoon, but then I thought, 'I never wrote a play… why not try that'. Of course, that lead me to reflect that the last play I read was 40 years ago, so I had to bone up at least on the formatting. I can't quite manage standard play formatting on this site, so I'll do the closest I can.

This one is shooting for humor and not to be taken too seriously. It's very short, so think of it as a screenplay for a cartoon that you'd play before the main show starts. Maybe the Regency version of Elmer Fudd. The scene is not long after Elizabeth reads her letter in Hunsford.

Wade

SCENE I. ROSINGS DRAWING ROOM, KENT

The drawing room of Rosings park, on an April morning around 11. Lady Catherine, a dowager of around 50 years is in conference with her two nephews Mr. Darcy and Colonel Fitzwilliam, both well dressed gentlemen around 25-30. The two gentlemen are taking their leave before the journey to London, having spent the last fortnight assisting Lady Catherine with her estate business.

The conference has been going on for some time when the front door of the parlor is opened by the butler who announces an unanticipated visitor. The lady is announced and proceeds to walk over towards the others.

BUTLER
Miss Bennet, ma'am.

CATHERINE
Miss Bennet, this is a surprise.

(Elizabeth curtsies politely and demurely while taking a few steps towards the group)

ELIZABETH
Lady Catherine. Mr. Darcy. Colonel Fitzwilliam. My apologies for interrupting your morning. I realize appearing without an invitation is unmannerly Lady Catherine, but you have occasionally offered to assist me, and I hope you might be willing offer some advice. It involves a rather confusing matter of propriety.

(Catherine nods somewhat condescendingly in Elizabeth's direction)

CATHERINE
Of course… Of course… There are few people in England, I suppose, who have more true understanding of what is right and proper. My character has ever been celebrated for its sincerity and frankness, and in a cause of such moment as this, I shall certainly not depart from it. My nephews were just taking their leave to return to Town, so I will attend to you as soon as they leave.

(Elizabeth nods politely, but continues)

ELIZABETH
My pardon Lady Catherine… gentlemen… If you have no objections, I would hope your nephews may spare the time to join the discussion. They may be able to add a useful male perspective. The problem is a bit of a Gordian Knot.

(Catherine looks to both nephews)

CATHERINE
Darcy… Fitzwilliam… Have you any objections to assisting with Miss Bennet's problem.

(Fitzwilliam smiles engagingly towards Elizabeth)
(Darcy stares at Elizabeth unblinkingly)

FITZWILLIAM
No Aunt, Darcy and I are quite happy to be of service, is that not right Darcy… Darcy… DARCY? Well, I am happy to be of service anyway, Darcy seems a bit on the stupid side today, but I am certain he will be happy to attend… eventually.

CATHERINE
Very well, Miss Bennet. How may we help?

(Elizabeth takes one step closer and nods to the gentlemen)

ELIZABETH
Thank you, Lady Catherine. As I alluded earlier, it is rather complicated. It is a matter between a certain lady and a gentleman. Perhaps I should tell the entire story?

CATHERINE
A sensible idea. Have you any objections, nephews?

FITZWILLIAM
None whatsoever, Aunt. In fact, I am itching to hear it… and Darcy is too… do not let him fool you with the sour face.

(Elizabeth folds her hands in front of her dress)

ELIZABETH
The story begins at an assembly. The gentleman in question publicly slighted a young lady he had not even been introduced to, when his friend encouraged him to dance with her. He claimed she was 'tolerable but not handsome enough to tempt him' within her hearing. He also made the rather specious claim that she was 'slighted by other' men just because she sat out to give other ladies a chance, and even presumed that his dancing would 'lend consequence' to her, as if some unknown gentleman had more consequence than she had in her own neighborhood.

(Fitzwilliam stands up straighter looking affronted and gestures broadly with his arms)
(Darcy looks chagrined and stares at the floor)

FITZWILLIAM
EGADS! He did this publicly? That is a serious propriety violation right there. This whole story is starting very badly, would you not agree Darcy? Aunt? The lady's father or brother should have strong words or fisticuffs with the rogue! I certainly would if she were my sister.

(Catherine tut-tuts in Fitzwilliam's direction)

CATHERINE
Nephew, you are a bit too much of a hothead. Strong words… most definitely yes… fisticuffs, not yet, anyway. Darcy do you have any sensible suggestions? Or more sensible than your lunkheaded cousin… well, apparently not, but at least close your mouth. You look like a beached fish. Very well, Miss Bennet, let us get some clarifying details. What are the relative stations of the two involved?

(Elizabeth takes a deep breath, walks one step closer)

ELIZABETH
He is a gentleman; she is a gentleman's daughter.

CATHERINE
Well then, they would be equal. Was the slight heard by anyone other than the lady?

ELIZABETH
No ma'am.

CATHERINE
Well, this case is not so complicated. That so-called-gentleman owes her an apology and reparations. A slight like this can hurt her reputation and call his into serious doubt. Her father or brother should have strong words with this gentleman and a strong apology is due. There can be no two opinions on the subject.

(Darcy stares at the floor)
(Fitzwilliam stands up straighter)

FITZWILLIAM
Yes, Aunt I agree. What say you, Darcy? … Darcy?

(Darcy looks up from the floor and stares at Elizabeth)

DARCY
Yes, Richard, Aunt, Miss Bennet… I agree. An apology might do the trick if it involved sufficient groveling, but it would be a near thing, and the groveling would need to be extensive. It was quite an abominable offense! The rogue deserves what he gets, and the lady should not have any concern she might have felt, had he behaved in a more gentlemanlike manner.

(Fitzwilliam grins at his cousin)

FITZWILLIAM
About time you weighed in Darcy.

(Elizabeth stares at Darcy for a moment, nods, and then turns her attention back to Catherine)

ELIZABETH
Thank you, gentlemen, Lady Catherine. I am afraid that is not the end of the story though.

(Catherine looks alarmed and slaps the arm of her chair)

CATHERINE
It gets worse? Pray continue, Miss Bennet.

(Elizabeth sighs and steps one more stop closer, stopping about four paces from the remaining occupants)

ELIZABETH
Yes ma'am. You see, the lady's vanity was wounded by the remark, probably because her mother slights her appearance regularly, which made the gentleman's reference to her handsomeness more hurtful than it might otherwise be. In retaliation, she repeated the words verbatim to a few prolific gossips and laughed about it for weeks. She hid her pain with impertinence and used her anger to sink the reputation of the man in the neighborhood. Since he appeared haughty and proud; and refused to dance with anyone not of his own party, it was not that difficult.

CATHERINE
That sounds like a good start, actually.

ELIZABETH
When in company, the gentleman stared at her a lot, so she retaliated with biting wit, and I can assure you that her biting wit is fearsome. Her beauty he had early withstood, and as for her manners–her behavior to him was at least always bordering on the uncivil, and she never spoke to him without rather wishing to give him pain than not. I imagine the original slight was repaid a few times over.

(Fitzwilliam sports an evil grin)

FITZWILLIAM
I think I like his lady quite a lot, Miss Bennet! It sounds like the lunkhead got his comeuppance. What say you, Darcy? Aunt?

DARCY
A start, maybe.

CATHERINE
Yes, Miss Bennet, I agree with my nephew. Two wrongs do not make a right, but there is something to be said for just retribution. It sounds like the scales are about even… but I detect there is more?

ELIZABETH
Yes, my lady, considerably more.

CATHERINE
Carry on… I am fascinated.

DARCY
Please, continue Miss Bennet.

ELIZABETH
Well, my lady, gentlemen; the two antagonists met several times over the next six weeks. The gentleman seemed to spend a lot of time staring at the lady, apparently searching diligently to catalogue faults and keeping himself close enough to hear her conversations, but not generally a willing participant unless she dragged him in. They happened to share a house for four days when the lady's sister became ill at the gentleman's friend's estate and spent most of the time arguing.

FITZWILLIAM
Interesting, Miss Bennet. It seems to me the lady is getting her payback adequately; would you not agree?

CATHERINE
I agree, Nephew… although it would have been quite a bit less trouble to just have her father have a word with the man. It is a difficult conundrum though. The lady obviously cannot call the gentleman to task; that would show poor breeding. And yet, with the offense weeks in the past and retaliation already begun, it would be awkward to finally bring her father into the mix as he is just as likely to chastise his daughter as the so-called gentleman.

(Catherine looks down at her lap in concentration and then back at Elizabeth)

CATHERINE
I would say at this point, the two are about evenly matched in offenses. Is that the end of the story, Miss Bennet?

ELIZABETH
Oh no, my lady. 'tis hardly the beginning.

(Catherine smiles in amusement)

CATHERINE
Pray, continue, Miss Bennet. This is fascinating.

ELIZABETH
Well my lady, the gentleman's good friend happened to be courting the lady's elder sister. He did so assiduously for about six weeks, culminating at a ball where he danced the first and supper sets with her and spent most of the rest of the evening in the lady's company. This caused some, perhaps reasonable, perhaps not, expectations in the neighborhood. Then, this second gentleman claimed he was to go to town for a few days, but quit the neighborhood entirely, never to return. In fact, the entire party decamped without notice a few hours after the ball.

(Catherine startles and looks shocked)

CATHERINE
You mean the entire party left like a thief in the night! It sounds like this lady had the misfortune to spend the Autumn with two extremely disagreeable gentlemen… if I am not abusing the term 'gentlemen' overly much.

(Fitzwilliam thumps his chest)

FITZWILLIAM
I would agree, Aunt. Both chowderheads need a good thumping. Did either proffer any explanations.

(Elizabeth looks pained)

ELIZABETH
The second of the two gentlemen, asked his sister to write a letter claiming the gentleman had very suddenly began courting the first gentleman's sister, and was unlikely to return at all. At the time neither lady was aware that said sister of the first gentleman was hardly more than a child, and not even out.

(Catherine sits up straight and gasps, looking shocked)

CATHERINE
This just gets worse and worse, Miss Bennet. What was the tone of these letters? Were they polite and subtle at least?

ELIZABETH
As polite as a blacksmith's hammer, my lady.

(Catherine looks pained)

CATHERINE
Ouch. You are quite the mistress of the analogy, Miss Bennet.

ELIZABETH
Thank you, Lady Catherine. I do my best.

CATHERINE
So, by my reckoning, we have two supposed gentlemen acting very badly, one more-or-less lady acting very badly, and one lady evening the score, but with less decorum than might be ideal. It sounds like quite a muddle.

(Fitzwilliam nods)
(Darcy remains silent but watches Elizabeth closely)

FITZWILLIAM
I find myself in agreement with my aunt, Miss Bennet. Is that an accurate depiction?

ELIZABETH
Perhaps, I should clarify. The second lady, the one that wrote the letter was quite wealthy, but her family came from trade, so perhaps she was not taught proper manners in her expensive seminary. I imagine she should get some small bit of clemency based on her inadequate background.

(Darcy shakes himself to speak)

DARCY
Do you hold that tradespeople are somehow less worthy than the gently born, Miss Bennet?

(Elizabeth focuses on Darcy)

ELIZABETH
Not in the least, Mr. Darcy. Far from it. In fact, my own most genteel, fashionable and intelligent relatives are in trade themselves. I was simply stating that some ladies aspire to heights for which they are unprepared.

(Darcy huffs, and looks at her carefully)

DARCY
I see. Do you believe ladies should not aspire to higher social positions?

ELIZABETH
No sir. Not at all! I contend that anybody can earn a better social position, but a rise in social position should require better manners, not worse.

DARCY
I quite agree… although your tale indicates the good manners do not necessarily follow the higher position… based on your descriptions so far.

ELIZABETH
No, Sir, they do not.

CATHERINE
I agree as well, Miss Bennet. Have we finally reached the end of this debacle?

(Elizabeth looks back towards Catherine)

ELIZABETH
Not quite, your ladyship. You see, yet a third gentleman was involved. About four months later, the first lady was visiting a friend, and this third gentleman mentioned that the first gentleman, the author the slight at the assembly, boasted of his friend's 'success' at separating the second gentleman from the lady's sister. The first gentleman apparently considered the sister a fortune hunter just because she demonstrated decorum and did not display her every feeling for the world to see.

CATHERINE
So the lady being courted did not display her feelings?

ELIZABETH
No, ma'am. Her feelings were not to be bandied about for public consumption. She judged it sufficient to show them to the gentleman apparently courting her.

CATHERINE
So in other words, Miss Bennet, the sister was showing her adherence to decorum, propriety and good breeding.

ELIZABETH
Yes, ma'am.

CATHERINE
And acting properly, as a lady should.

ELIZABETH
Yes, ma'am.

CATHERINE
And was apparently punished for it.

ELIZABETH
Yes, ma'am.

(Catherine sighs)

CATHERINE
It sounds like you have yet a third ill‑mannered gentleman. Just exactly how many ill‑mannered gentlemen are you to introduce, Miss Bennet.

(Elizabeth sighs)

ELIZABETH
That is the last that is relevant, your ladyship. There are others, but we must stop somewhere if we are to finish and allow your nephews to be on their way.

CATHERINE
Good thinking, Miss Bennet. We do not have all day. Please continue.

FITZWILLIAM
Yes, Miss Bennet, please continue. This story is beginning to sound vaguely familiar.

DARCY
Yes, please, Miss Bennet. I am on pins and needles.

(Elizabeth nods towards the gentlemen)

ELIZABETH
Well, this first gentleman was again in company with the young lady for some weeks but in a different setting, so naturally, she resumed her sniping, but with a bit of a softer tone.

CATHERINE
Why the softer tone? Was she not aware of his interference in her sister's affairs?

ELIZABETH
No, my lady. Not at first. She did not learn about that until much later, when informed by the third gentleman. She frankly just found the first gentleman confusing and thought it easiest to mostly ignore him.

CATHERINE
Sensible enough. What happened next?

ELIZABETH
Well, the gentleman spent several days, apparently ambushing the young lady on her morning walks. He confused her greatly, as he appeared mysteriously every day for a week. He never said much, which to her thinking was an improvement over his speaking, so neither did she.

(Catherine looks uncomfortable)

CATHERINE
So, they just walked? Were these clandestine rendezvous?

ELIZABETH
I think not, Lady Catherine. Perhaps it was deliberate on the gentleman's part, but for the lady it was just frustrating. She even made it a point to indicate it was a favored walk so he might avoid it.

CATHERINE
This seems to be pushing the boundaries of propriety, but I imagine it could barely slide into the 'proper' category by a cat's whisker.

ELIZABETH
Aha! You are not averse to the occasional analogy yourself, my lady.

CATHERINE (with a smile)
I was not born this old, Miss Bennet. Pray, continue.

DARCY
Miss Bennet, do you impute any ill motives to the gentleman with these perhaps more than accidental, yet less than clandestine meetings?

ELIZABETH
I think not, Mr. Darcy. I am at least not willing to attach any fault. The young lady could have avoided him by choosing another path, or she could have clearly stated her desire for solitude without being rude.

FITZWILLIAM
I would not read too much into it, Miss Bennet. Why I met you quite by chance in the park only yesterday, and there was nothing untoward there. These things happen. Sometimes, it is as simple as two people with similar habits who prefer the same path.

ELIZABETH
Of course, Colonel. It was, I imagine, confusing for the lady as her firmest belief was that she shared a mutual dislike with the gentleman in question, but not alarming.

(Catherine looks more and more interested)

CATHERINE
Carry on, Miss Bennet. What happened next?

ELIZABETH
Well, Lady Catherine. It turns out that the lady came to learn of the first gentleman's actions in separating the second gentleman from her sister, which greatly angered her. She became vexed enough to cause her to develop a headache and fail to attend an invitation.

CATHERINE
This sounds serious. What, pray, were the relative stations of the lady and the invitation she disdained, with what I might say, seems a relatively weak excuse.

ELIZABETH
The invitation was from a titled lady, daughter of an Earl, whilst the young lady was just the daughter of an insignificant country squire.

CATHERINE
The lady should have kept her appointment. It was her duty, and since her headache seems self‑induced to me, I would say she was being impolite.

(Both gentlemen turn towards Catherine)

FITZWILLIAM
That sounds overly harsh, Aunt Catherine. Nobody should attend company if they are feeling poorly.

CATHERINE
For a peer, she should make the effort. What say you, Darcy.

(Darcy faces Catherine)

DARCY
I cannot judge her. I do not like to attend social functions myself if I am feeling poorly.

FITZWILLIAM
According to that standard Darcy, you are feeling poorly most of the time.

DARCY
Perhaps… I can assure you that there are some functions I have been tempted to break my own arm to evade, so I can hardly criticize the lady.

CATHERINE
Shall we beat this point to death or get on with the story. This is not about you, Darcy! Is there more, Miss Bennet?

(Elizabeth sighs)

ELIZABETH
Oh, yes, Lady Catherine. You see, the gentleman had two more actions that must be weighed in the balance.

CATHERINE
Pray, continue, Miss Bennet.

(Elizabeth looks at the ground before continuing)

ELIZABETH
Well, first the gentleman visited the lady supposedly to check on her health.

(Catherine looks shocked)

CATHERINE
Without a chaperone?

ELIZABETH
Yes, my lady.

CATHERINE
I am liking this gentleman less and less. What did he do next?

(Elizabeth looks pained)

ELIZABETH
He spent most of the next five minutes disparaging the lady, her relatives and her situation in life in some detail and some depth, my lady.

(Fitzwilliam stands up straighter and balls his fist with his eyebrows raised)

FITZWILLIAM
Let me get this straight, Miss Bennet. This man visited a lady, alone and unchaperoned, and then proceeded to insult her… AGAIN?

ELIZABETH
Yes, I am afraid so, Colonel. At some length.

(Fitzwilliam pounds his fist on his chest)

FITZWILLIAM
I believe we are to the point where fisticuffs are required, do you finally agree, Aunt.

CATHERINE
Perhaps, nephew… perhaps. If not quite there, it is very close.

(Darcy looks pained)

DARCY
I am in agreement with Fitzwilliam. Definitely fisticuffs – at a minimum, but only if tar and feathers are unavailable.

(Elizabeth stares at Darcy in surprise, blinks rapidly a few times, then takes a deep breath)

ELIZABETH
That is not the end, ladies and gentlemen.

(Catherine's looks alarmed)

CATHERINE
There is more!

(Elizabeth sports a sly expression)

ELIZABETH
Yes, my lady. After that, he claimed to admire and love her, and asked for her hand in marriage.

(Catherine and Fitzwilliam look shocked)
(Catherine leans forward in her chair and grips the armrests)

CATHERINE
Repeat that!

ELIZABETH
He asked for her hand in marriage.

(Catherine stands up, picks up a walking stick, and pounds it on the floor and shouts)

CATHERINE
He asked for her hand?

(Elizabeth remains calm and apparently unperturbed)

ELIZABETH
Yes, my lady. I am afraid he did.

CATHERINE
After insulting here?

ELIZABETH
Yes, ma'am.

(Catherine looks shocked)

CATHERINE
Why would he do that?

DARCY
Perhaps, the insults were his awkward way of showing the strength of his affection.

FITZWILLIAM
Quite a lunkheaded way to go about it if you ask me.

(Catherine harrumphs)

CATHERINE
And how, pray tell, did she answer him.

(Elizabeth shuffles her feet, looking down at them, pauses a few moments, and then finally looks over at Darcy sheepishly)

ELIZABETH
I am afraid, Lady Catherine, that the lady turned him down in the rudest, meanest, and most vile terms possible… at length and in detail, and with considerably more vehemence than might have been strictly required.

CATHERINE
Come, come now, Miss Bennet. How bad could it have been? What did she say?

(Elizabeth resume staring at the floor)

ELIZABETH
I fear, Lady Catherine, that she said everything she had meant to say for months, along with every other unpleasant thing she could think of, and I can assure you, her imagination is extensive. She accused him justly of interfering with her sister's happiness, unjustly as it turned out in another matter for which she was spectacularly uninformed, accurately but perhaps unjustly about his manners, and all the heat of an angry moment. I believe the worlds 'last man in the world she could ever be prevailed upon to marry' was applied to the hapless gentleman.

(Fitzwilliam laughs uproariously)

FITZWILLIAM
OH, HO, HO! The last man. That is quite a distinction. The last man… the very last man… I am afraid, that is not a position that most of would wish to occupy, Miss Bennet. Why that would put him behind both my own humble self, my cousin there, and even behind Mr. Collins.

ELIZABETH
Yes, sir. It was shockingly rude and improper.

(Catherine nods understandingly)

CATHERINE
Yes, Miss Bennet. It seems that the gentleman is not the only one that carries a burden of improper behavior.

(Darcy looks stunned and sheepish)

DARCY
Well, Miss Bennet. I cannot say that the man did not deserve it. To insult a lady in a proposal is quite beyond the pale. The last man though… well, I agree with my cousin that nobody is likely to aspire to being considered the last man in the world. Most would wish to at least be above the last dozen.

(Elizabeth looks at Darcy)

ELIZABETH
Well, Mr. Darcy, perhaps in her anger, the lady may have overstated the case. Her temper is somewhat fiery. In point of fact, the proposal was only the second-to-worst proposal she had received that half‑year, and the proponent of the first would in fact fall after the gentleman in question, so more correctly, he could be considered at the very least, the second‑to‑last man in the world.

(Elizabeth looks at Darcy, and gives him a bit of a slight smile, which goes completely unnoticed by anyone else, but certainly not by that gentleman.)

DARCY
It seems he is moving up in the world. Perhaps one day he can aspire to becoming third to last.

ELIZABETH
Yes, it would seem so.

CATHERINE
Interesting. I imagine both of these - I am not even certain at this point I wish to call them a lady and gentleman - I imagine they parted under, shall we say, rancorous terms.

(Elizabeth slightly grins at Catherine)

ELIZABETH
Yes, my lady. If you would define Noah's predicament as a spot of rain, then yes, they did part under slightly rancorous terms.

(Catherine chuckles)

CATHERINE
Well, Miss Bennet. It sounds like this story has played out just about like it should. Is there more?

ELIZABETH
Yes, my lady. Two… no… three more items.

CATHERINE
Pray, continue.

ELIZABETH
Well, one of the points the lady most strenuously objected to was something the gentleman had done by mistake, an error of judgment, not malice. On the other matter, she was completely mistaken, and her mistakes caused her to unjustly accuse the gentleman, and her mistake could lead to… other difficulties.

(Catherine shows a puzzled brow)

CATHERINE
I see. And how did this lady come to this information? Did she know it when she flayed him alive?

(Elizabeth looks chagrinned)

ELIZABETH
No, ma'am. You see…

CATHERINE
Come, come Miss Bennet. You have made it this far.

ELIZABETH
Yes, my lady. Well… the gentleman wrote the lady a letter, and she read it.

(Fitzwilliam looks alarmed)

FITZWILLIAM
A LETTER. Had the man no sense of self-preservation at all?

(Catherine looks similarly alarmed)

CATHERINE
I can see your point nephew. If he wrote a letter and she accepted it, then this entire debacle must come to its natural conclusion.

ELIZABETH
Now we are coming to the crux of the matter, your ladyship.

CATHERINE
Well, fortunately, there is no confusion. They must be married. It is as simple as that.

(Elizabeth looks somewhat alarmed)

ELIZABETH
Married… just for writing and reading a letter?

CATHERINE
Yes, the rules of propriety are quite clear on this score. They must be married.

ELIZABETH
That seems extreme, Lady Catherine.

CATHERINE
Be that as it may, it is the rule of society. They must be made to marry. There can be no two opinions on the subject.

(Fitzwilliam looks alarmed)

FITZWILLIAM
Yes, but the last man in the world?

DARCY
This seems extreme. Nobody but the lady and the gentleman know about the letter… well, and the three of us now.

(Catherine sits back down gracefully)

CATHERINE
Yes, yes… they must marry. Their propriety violations are sufficient to make my head spin. I would need to get pen and paper and start all over to even keep score.

FITZWILLIAM
Yes, I can see your point… and that is without even including the second and third gentlemen.

CATHERINE
Miss Bennet, is there any more to this story?

ELIZABETH
Perhaps the most shocking part of all, my lady.

CATHERINE
Out with it, young lady.

ELIZABETH
Well, Lady Catherine. The young lady read the letter and understood it, and then…

(Catherine leans forward in her chair eagerly)

CATHERINE
Go on.

(Elizabeth sighs heavily, then looks directly at Darcy)

ELIZABETH
She made it known to the gentleman that if he would correct his first error, the one that was done out of ignorance and not malice; and could manage the courage to ask again… politely… that it was not impossible that he might eventually receive a different answer.

(Darcy looks at Elizabeth in shock with his mouth hanging open)
(Catherine stamps her walking stick again)

CATHERINE
Good God! This just gets worse and worse. It is not the lady's place to tell the gentleman whether to propose or not. It is her place to await a proposal and answer, which she had already done once. Did she at least let him know this information with some subtlety?

ELIZABETH
It depends on your definition of 'subtlety', Lady Catherine.

CATHERINE
Describe her method of communication and I shall tell you if it is sufficiently subtle.

(Elizabeth stares back at Darcy)

ELIZABETH
She told him point blank, in plain unvarnished unambiguous English, while looking him straight in the eyes, in front of unimpeachable witnesses.

(Catherine gasps)

CATHERINE
This just gets worse and worse. Is that the end, Miss Elizabeth?

ELIZABETH
Yes, ma'am.

(Darcy still stares at Elizabeth)

CATHERINE
Well, it is certain now. They must indeed marry. It is essential. But before I am run away with by my feelings on this subject, perhaps it would be advisable for me to state my reasons for their marrying. My reasons for them marrying are, first, that I have never heard of any two individuals who more deserve to be stuck with each other in the entire course of my life. Their entire acquaintance seems more fraught than most wars, and I must imagine they go through life surrounded by a barren wasteland. Secondly, for the sake of society, I believe they both, each of them, have a solemn duty to protect the rest of society from the other. They are a menace to our entire social order.

(Darcy looks back and forth between Elizabeth and Catherine)
(Fitzwilliam looks at Darcy, and then at Catherine)
(Elizabeth stares at Darcy)
(Catherine stamps her walking stick on the floor twice, very hard)

CATHERINE
Darcy! You must see to this debacle. I will hold you responsible for obtaining a special license. You must have this pair married within the week for the sake of society! There is no time to lose! Do what you need to do! Get the so-called gentleman to make a less abominable proposal. If that does not do the trick, get him tap‑hackled or butt him in the head with Fitzwilliam's rifle; but get him standing in front of a parson within the week. It is essential.

(Darcy stares at his aunt)

CATHERINE
Well, Darcy! Will you see to it?

DARCY
I will.

(Darcy turns to Elizabeth and smiles sheepishly)

DARCY
Miss Bennet, do you concur with my aunt's recommendation?

(Elizabeth looks carefully at Darcy, and then gives him a brilliant smile)

ELIZABETH
I do.

~~~~ CURTAIN ~~~~