Fandom: Earthian
Title: utsuro. (empty.)
Pairing: Kagetsuya x Chihaya
Rating: PG
Description: A short ficlet about Chihaya's struggle with his own kindness and innocence.

Disclaimer: Earthian is by Kouga Yun-sama.

utsuro. (empty.)
By miyamoto yui

I'm…empty.

I don't know what to do and nor do I know what to say. I feel like I'm stuck on paper without a plot to go by. There is nothing happening and I can't seem to write a single word even though I'm feeling so much infliction. I feel like my chest has been punched and I continue to cringe underneath it all even though I appear to be happy and strong.

Nothing seems to make sense these days and even though I want to tell someone, who to tell and how will they interpret it? Will they really listen to me or will they hear what the situation is instead of trying to help me deal with my own heart? It's kind of hard to say who really understands you when you don't even understand yourself. All you know is that you have to get through the inner ordeals in order to get through everything else that is thrown at you. Only, the very thing you wanted was for someone to listen to what you had to say.

I cannot shed a tear at this stupidity and yet it hurts me so.

When I speak, I am subtle in representing how I really feel about a particular situation. Only few are able to catch me and sometimes, I find that I'm deceiving myself too, convinced that was how I wanted things to turn out when that wasn't true at all. What I wanted was someone to hear what I had to say even though I was too embarrassed to say that I needed someone's help and love to get me through.
How weak I am to depend on other people, but that was what you had to live with even though it was slowly making you rot from the inside.

What are ideals when you begin to not understand their worth or foundation? Am I only measured by how I fight for my life?

That isn't a life at all. I'm just living from moment to moment as if sheltering myself from the rain while skittering from shade to shade in hopes of finding a place to save myself from the true impact of things.

I'm supposed to know what to do, aren't I? Then why am I sitting here crying my eyes out trying to understand humanity that isn't even mine? I want to hold onto it because I've enjoyed it with all my heart.
The Earthians are so interesting and even though I'm like this, they've accepted me and I've learned to love them despite protests from my partner.

And yet, I still feel empty.

The more I try to learn, the more I am pushed away from myself and the people I'm struggling so hard to protect.

Why is it that when you're coming so close to the answers, the more that you become perplexed by the complexity of everything around you? What did I ever do? All I did was give my heart. That's all.

And he looks at me with this sternness that doesn't want to give into my wants. Yet, he lets me get away with it, fascinated by the way I can look so closely at these people with such compassion and understanding. Even though there have been those that have laughed at me, even though there have been those that have embraced me, even though there have been those that do not believe in my existence as a "human" or an "angel".

I still continue to want to co-exist with them.

Does he comprehend me? Will I ever understand myself?

I'm looking out the window. I want to fly away. I am staying put while he's watching me from the threshold of the room. I want to stop the confusion caused by that girl's death. Out of frustration, she took her own life. And I could do nothing but shout at her dead body that her life wasn't a waste to live…

I go to sit down on the bed and he takes one step closer, but I look at him as if I don't want him there.

That isn't true. I can't comprehend what's happening to me.

He calls it kindness and if I'm ever to get away from it, then I've got to stick to the rules given to me.

"Don't you understand why I'm looking for someone who looks like me?"
He's confused. I'm not making any sense. Maybe I have a fever. He reaches out to touch my forehead but I turn away.

"It's hard to believe you're the only one that exists in the world," I tell him with my heart pouring onto my hands. The accumulation of water in between my hands continues to grow. "You wonder if you're someone else's dream."

He wants to hold onto my shoulders but I get up and go back to the window. I hear the creaking of the bed as he sits down.

"And if ever become one of them, will you come after me?" I laugh at my own pettiness and selfishness, this love that extends beyond the constraints of Eden. "Sometimes, I feel like we're not angels here to judge the Earth. We're just two beings observing other people for a living. We're just two ordinary people..."

As the rain splatters onto the cold window, streams come down my reflection, paralleling that of my own sadness and tears coming down my face. I touch the imaginary picture before me. "I like it here. I don't ever want to leave."
"We can't stay here forever," he tells me with a gentle voice. "Even if I wanted to."
"But this is my Eden." I turn to him. "But the more I try to hold onto what we've been taught, the more I want to break it too. I want to fully understand them because I love them even if they're killing themselves.
"Because I've found myself here. Because I've found my place here."

I feel empty because I've given too much. So much that I can't ever get it back. But it's not like I care. I've learned that this is what love truly means. And this is what kindness results in.

As I push the window open, I fly into the watery sky. The rain soaks into my feathers and my whole body. He flies after me.

I keep on flying until I can't take it anymore. It's hard for me to breathe.

When I sit on some random place upon the Tokyo Tower, I bury my face into my hands. He takes me into his arms and carries me home. He takes off my clothes and pushes me onto the bed while kissing me.

"I hear everything you say, Chihaya. That's why I let you do as you wish," he says to me while making love to me. "Don't ever change."

Holding onto his shoulders, I plead, "But, Kagetsuya, if I ever 'fall', what will-"

Kagetsuya repeats what I said earlier: "Because I've found myself here. Because I've found my place here."

In our silence and the pounding of the violent rain, I'm comforted by the fact that someone, after all these years, has heard my prayer. The small, quiet, strong one trying its best to push through the emptiness that wants to confuse my very existence.

But all I want is to keep my heart because that is the core of everything,

following it until I die,
understanding everything and nothing at the same time.

Owari. / The End.

Author's Note: This is a very short piece, but I wanted it to be around 1,000 words. Yet, I wanted to be filled with a large impact.

Sunday, August 08, 2004