Any Night But This

When Kagome returned after three years, it was too close to the night of the new moon. A month later, they were still fumbling with their new relationship. By the third moonless night, she realized what he was doing. What she didn't understand was why he wanted their first time to be when he was human.

A/N: I know I have other fics to finish, but this muse wouldn't leave me alone. This is an attempt at a troupe that has always bugged me. There are a lot of fics that have their first time while Inuyasha is human and I always thought that would totally make Inuyasha's self-hatred even worse. I think Kagome is aware or maybe empathic enough to realize just how bad that would be. Thoughts? I wanted to write smut, but I am still too nervous. Especially because I've heard mixed things about this site. Maybe I'll finally get an AO3 account and post it there. Please enjoy!

It wasn't as if they hadn't talked about it. She had hardly emerged from the well after three years trapped in her own time, and her beloved half demon had asked if they could be married. He had immediately backpedaled, blushing heavily, stammering that she should first get reacquainted with the village and begin training with Kaede in order to fully learn the duties she would be required to undertake. That had taken a few weeks, and she was the one who had to initiate most of their intimacy. Although, that really wasn't what Kagome would call it.

Inuyasha would pull away the moment their kisses would start to get more passionate than a simple brushing of lips. Her hands would start to roam his chest and he would quickly entwine his fingers with hers, so that they were no longer touching his chest, it was romantic, in a different sense, and not what she wanted.

She had brought up, multiple times, that she wanted to be his wife, and he would light up. He obviously wanted that with her. He just didn't seem to want to actually take the steps.

Well, that wasn't entirely true. On his human night, he had been very interested in taking things farther. During what she had come to expect would be chaste kisses, he surprised her. His hands had roamed just as much as she had tried so many times to move hers. He had moaned her name in a way that she had never heard.

It had been jarring to say the least, and when she had pulled back and asked what had gotten into him, he had looked hurt for in an instant before gruffly striding away. Talking to him for the next few days was a lost cause. When he finally snapped out of his mood, she was stuck again with chaste pecks and nothing more. She originally chalked it up to the fact that he always expressed his emotions more easily on his human nights, but he declared his love for her when he was in his usual form, why would being physical be any different?

From then on, she resolved to be more diligent. She paid closer attention to every detail of how he acted and treated her. Little more than two weeks after his human night, she had a startling revelation. She'd been laying on her futon in Kaede's hut, drifting off to sleep when it knocked her back into full wakefulness.

This couldn't possibly be about Kikyo could it?!

No, she had asked him, one of her first nights back, after her friends had celebrated her return with a bit too much sake. After everyone retired to their homes for the evening, Inuyasha had sat behind her, his arms wrapped around her when she complained about being cold. They stayed that way long into the night, and she blurted out her question, still just drunk enough to have the courage.

"Do you really love me, Inuyasha, I-I'm not her."

He had scoffed his usual, "Keh," but the way his arms tightened around her belied his true feelings. He sighed and his voice was soft, he ran his hand up and down her arm as he spoke, "Three years is a long time. I went to the well every three days, I ran to it every time I heard a noise. I would wake up sometimes, in a panic and go, just to make sure I didn't somehow miss your return. You, Kagome. I was waiting for you." He then buried his face in her neck and she didn't comment about the drops of water she felt hitting her skin.*

Just because he loved her, didn't mean he wasn't still afraid. In the three months she'd been back, she noticed how the villagers treated him, how he treated them in return. They relied on him, children played with him. He finally belonged. He couldn't still be afraid that she wouldn't want him as a half demon, could he?!

She sighed and wanted to knock her head against a wall, it seemed that no matter how she tried to prove that she loved him as a half demon, he didn't understand. She hoped that in the future it wouldn't matter what day they had sex, but their first time couldn't be when he was human. She needed to prove that she loved all of him. She needed a plan. She tossed and turned most of the rest of that night, but by the time she did rest, she had the beginnings of one.

Her plan was awful!

She hadn't meant to torture herself along the way!

If she thought she'd been hot and bothered before, she certainly was now. When he tried to pull her hands from his chest, she intwined them in his hair and pulled him in for more kisses. That had caused something in the half demon to snap. He had pulled her flush against him, his hands moving, one to encircle her waist, the other to gently cup the back of her head to deepen the kiss into the beginnings of every fantasy she'd ever had. She made the mistake of dropping her hands to fumble with the ties of his clothing, when abruptly, he broke the kiss and stared at her with terrified wide eyes before stumbling away from her as if she had burned him. His expression quickly crumpled into one of rage, and a demonic low growl escaped his throat as he leapt away. He had obviously been very upset, because he stayed in the forest for four days.

When he returned, he hardly looked at her. The experience made her rethink everything. When she finally gathered her courage, she apologized for trying to push him into something he didn't want. She tried very hard to not shed a single tear until she was a good distance away, he had made comments before about his ability to smell when she cried, and she hadn't wanted him to feel guilty.

He found her later that evening, and stated that he liked kissing her and wanted to continue kissing her, if she hadn't changed her mind, but she got no explanation. He said nothing of wanting to take it farther, and she was too afraid to ask blatantly if he simply didn't want her physically.

Yet, that couldn't be right, because over the next week and a half, he slowly added a little more to each encounter. Most recently, that morning, he had pulled her away from prying eyes and kissed her fiercely, pressing her against a hut, their bodies flush. She'd been in a daze when he pulled back, the jerk's face completely smug as he eyed her.

"Tonight, Kagome," his words weren't exactly hushed, but it was more quiet than his usual speech. "Meet me by the God Tree at sunset?"

Blood was still rushing in her ears, and heat was still clenching her belly as she nodded, not fully aware what she was agreeing to. All she wanted was for him to kiss her exactly like that again, but the damn half demon just repeated, "Tonight!" with an excited laugh and was gone when she opened eyes that she hadn't realized had slipped closed.

It wasn't until she was preparing an early dinner, when Kaede asked, "Is Inuyasha planning on spending this moonless night in the forest, my child? He hath spent it in my home every time before you returned. Yet, now, he doth choose to be alone."

Kagome inwardly seethed. He was doing it again. He only wanted to go farther while he was human. She finished cooking and ate quickly. It was time to have the conversation she'd been dreading.

The half demon was pacing back and forth under the tree when she got there, the sun still high enough that he had yet to turn. He stopped fidgeting when she approached and his face lit with joy. He leapt to her, and was kissing her the instant he could. He whispered her name a few times between kisses, he was panting with desire when he paused to speak against her lips, "Kagome, will you-can...I..." He growled at himself and let out a nervous laugh, pulling back just enough to look deep into her eyes, "Can we make love tonight?"

She almost lost her resolve. The pleading, but happy look in his eyes made her want to give him everything. She needed to stay firm. She needed an excuse, anything to start the conversation they desperately needed to have. "Kaede had me doing a lot of work today. What about tomorrow? I'll tell her we need some time alone, and we could find a hot spring or something..."

She hated how quickly his expression fell into confusion, then disbelief, and finally settled on anger. "No!" He cried, pulling away from her, "What's wrong with tonight?" He seemed to come to a realization and smiled again, "It's warm enough, we could go to the river and rinse off, if that's what you're worried about."

She shook her head, "It isn't that, I'm just tired, can't we sit here in each other company? I'll tell Kaede and I'm sure she'd let us spend all day together tomorrow."

The growl and anger was back, "But it has to be tonight!"

"Why?! Why tonight?"

"Because I don't want to wait another month!"

"A month?! Inuyasha, I said tomorrow! We could spend the whole day together!"

"But I won't be human tomorrow!" He screamed. The instant he said it, his ears flattened on his head and he closed himself off, turning away from her. His next words were so quiet, she almost didn't hear them, "It has to be tonight."

She moved so that he was facing her again, "Why does it have to be when you're human? I thought I'd told you, I don't want you to change, I love you as a half demon."

His head snapped up and he gave her a sour expression, "I know that, idiot. You've kissed me enough, I think I realized that." He got a wistful look on his face before blushing, he stammered his next words, "You, actually-once-your tongue, it sort of licked one of my fangs, and I..." he laughed, "I almost tore your clothes off right there."

Okay. Now she was confused. "Then why can we only have sex when you're human?" She blushed the moment she realized how brazen that must have sounded.

Inuyasha sighed, "Not only, just the first time."

"What?"

He looked away, ashamed, "I don't want to hurt you. Miroku...he said, Miroku said that the first time, I had to be extra careful. If I thought I was being too gentile and slow, that I needed to be even more gentile and slow. He said that even if I tried my hardest, I would probably still hurt you. He said it was just the way things are."

Kagome didn't know what to say, she stood there, dumbfounded, and he continued.

"And when you grabbed my hand that one day, my claws cut you." He stared at his clenched fist a moment before looking back to her, beseeching.

"When did-" Oh! It had been a clumsy accident. A few days after she had returned, she had grabbed Inuyasha hand, without thinking or looking, and one of his claws had nicked her. It could barely even have been called a scratch, and she had dismissed his almost panicked apologies.

He wanted to make love to her without the risk of accidentally injuring her.

"If I'm human, I think it would hurt less. I think it would be easier for me to control my strength. I-"

She put a hand to his mouth, "But what about you?"

"Me?" He scoffed, "Miroku didn't say anything about it hurting me, pretty much the opposite, actually."

"No, I mean, human, demon, half...to me, they're all you; but you treat each part as if they're separate pieces. I don't want you to think I prefer one or the other, but I always imagined being able to..." she blushed and looked away when his interest perked up his ears, "I sort of wanted to rub your ears while..."

A mischievous grin spread across his face, "You really? You thought about me like that?"

It was her turn to stammer incoherently.

The grin faded slightly, "Aren't you afraid of it hurting?"

She shrugged, "Sango said its uncomfortable for a bit, but so long as you go slow and listen to when I ask for you to slow down or stop, she said the pain fades quickly."

Inuyasha scowled, "I don't want there to be pain at all. Aren't you at least nervous?"

"Oh, I'm nervous! I'm worried about it hurting and if it'll be any good, if you'll like it, if I'll like it, if it's really such a big deal. But when you kiss me, especially like this morning, I don't think about anything."

"You don't think about anything?"

Kagome laughed nervously, "Almost nothing. I just want to kiss you more."

His face lit the happiest she had ever seen him, but it slowly faded to thoughtful and melancholy. "I can...any time..." He stammered a few more beginnings of sentences before he was finally able to finish one, "Whenever you get hurt, the tiniest scratch, I can smell it. Your blood, your pain, every part of it. I just...I don't know what I'd do if I hurt you. Especially, if I hurt you while I felt as good as Miroku said I was going to..."

Kagome took his hands in hers and placed them over her heart, his claws against the fabric of her priestess clothing. His sad, golden eyes stared at the claws and he tried to pull away, but she didn't let him. "I know you're scared. I'm scared, too." His startled eyes found her's, his ears were flat on his head again, he shifted, as if he was going to run away, but she held on and didn't let him flee. "Not of you, but of everything. I've never done this before, either. Can't we learn together?"

"Why can't you understand that I'm trying to do this for you?!" Inuyasha sounded more pleading than angry, but the intensity was growing. "I want it to happen while I'm human!" He tore his hand away and pulled at his hair, turning away from her, a growl of frustration tearing from his throat.

"And I want it to happen while you're a half demon!"

Fire filled his eyes when he reared around to face her again, "Oh, so what?! You don't want me when I'm human?! Is that it? Where's all your acceptance now?"

Kagome felt her own fury rising, "That's not what I mean, and you know it! I just want you! All of you, and I'm sick of waiting!"

"That's why I asked you here tonight, idiot!"

"And I said I let's do it tomorrow!"

The half demon let out a roar and fell into his usual seated position.

Kagome knelt in front of him. "Inuyasha," she said calmly, he refused to look at her. "You said you can smell everything, right? What do I smell like, now?"

The half demon sighed, but inhaled deeply, "You," he answered brokenly. "You're stressed, and angry, a-and aroused," he faltered on that last word, looking meekly at her.

"Don't you want to be able to sense me, every way you can, our first time? I can feel your aura, your demonic energy. I want to feel that our first time."

"I'm afraid I'll hurt you."

She took his face in her hands and kissed him gently, making a point to brush her tongue against one of his fangs, now that she knew he liked it. He shuddered under her touch. "How about a compromise?"

"How is there a compromise to that?"

She blushed, "Well, there are a lot of things we can do, that aren't...well...I..." She did not want to explain her modern knowledge, afraid of what Inuyasha would think of her if she spoke aloud.

Yet, the way his ears twitched, she had him intrigued, she would have to explain at least a little. "What things?"

She blushed harder, "Things...I..."

Inuyasha's expression ran through too many emotions in that instant to count, he pulled away from her, "I thought you said you'd never done this before." He didn't sound angry. "I...know we never thought we'd see each other..."

"I haven't done any of this before, but in my world...we...there is...I've read..." She stammered, unsure of how exactly to explain.

"You've read?" He looked incredulous.

She blushed harder.

He closed his eyes and shook his head, "How can you smell embarrassed and aroused?" She smacked him lightly on the chest and he yelped, "Hey!"

"You're scared that it will be too intense, right? That you won't be able to control yourself?" He nodded. "Well, what if we...took some of that pressure off, like...with other stuff?"

"What other stuff?" At the very least sounded more open to this suggestion.

"Well, I could...um...touch you and...release...uh...you know, make the first time...not...inside...um..." She gestured vaguely to herself.

"Miroku said that, if I did it well, you were supposed to enjoy it, too. That doesn't sound like something you'd enjoy."

Kagome almost laughed, she'd never expected Miroku to be a considerate lover. "You...you could touch me, too."

The barest hint of a smile pulled at the corner of Inuyasha's mouth. "You'd let...I mean," he sounded awestruck. He cleared his throat before continuing in a more neutral voice, "Of course you'd let me touch you, you want to have sex with me as a half demon." Perhaps he wasn't as sure of her as he had said. He took a deep breath, "I don't...I wouldn't know where, what would feel good."

She smiled, happy at progress, even minimal. "I honestly don't really know either. I guess we would have to learn together." He seemed to think on that for a moment. When he looked back up to her, she continued, "And after we know what feels good, in the morning, we can continue with more?"

The half demon seemed indecisive for a moment, "Will that make it hurt less for you? If I know what makes you feel good first?"

"I don't know," she answered honestly, and his face fell. "We're both scared, for different reasons. But there's one thing I do know, and that is: I love you. I'm here with you, now, forever. And I want to make you feel good and comfortable. I've wanted you since the moment I climbed out of the well. When you waited I thought it was because you didn't want me." He started to protest, but she stopped him, "We're both new to this. We're going to be awkward and it isn't going to be perfect. But we can make it fun and we can still enjoy ourselves, right?"

He seemed to consider that for a moment. He seemed embarrassed, "Miroku said..." he huffed, giving her that look that meant he was going to act angry instead of how he was really feeling, "Miroku said I was supposed to know. That I had to take charge, cause you were supposed to be...shy...about...you were...I was supposed to act like I knew." He blushed and looked away, "Even if I didn't. He said that would make you less...scared."

"Does pretending that you know make you less scared?"

He looked lost again. "No." He turned a bit and looked at the sky, "I'm about to change."

He closed his eyes, but they opened wide when Kagome threw herself on him, she pulled his lips down to hers, and kissed him deeply as he transformed. It was strange to feel his fangs recede, the way the flesh on the side of his face formed ears, the way his claws snagged on the fabric of her sleeves as they shrank to plain human nails. His demonic power faded, but she continued the kiss, all of him, she had said, and she meant it.

He pulled her close, growling against her lips, a much more human sound than earlier. "Okay, you were right. You taste different. You smell different. I could feel it changing with me. I-I don't, I can't sense all of you now."

"Worse, different?" She asked shyly.

He shook his head, resting his forehead against hers, "No, just different. Not as strong. He trembled slightly, laughing, "Why do I feel less in control now?"

"You are more emotional in your human form."

"You said compromise. Can I ask for one thing?"

Kagome nodded, still not fully believing that he was actually willing to concede. "What is it?"

His eyes were closed, and he swallowed harshly, "Kiss me like that at dawn? When I transform again?"

She nodded fervently. "And every dawn after the new moon, from now on."