Author's note: First, metaphoracle is an awesome beta reader. Second, this AU is inspired by Veronica Roth's notes (available on her Goodreads page) about the original draft of Divergent, in which the main character, Tobias, had an adversarial relationship with his father and a brother named Caleb.

The Fault in Ourselves

Part 1

When school is over, I enter the computer lab for my last day of faction-required community service before my aptitude test.

"Hello, Tobias," says Katherine, the Erudite woman who organizes the school lab and supervises my service. "I'm glad you're here. Erudite sent over a couple of computers to add to the lab. Can you get them up and running and install the school software?"

"Yes, ma'am," I reply. Katherine has a workstation for me in the back of the room. I set my bag down and look at the shipment from Erudite. The computers are still in boxes and need to be assembled. After sitting for hours in class, it feels good to lift the monitors from their boxes and crawl under the table to plug them in. Then I power them on and begin the software installation process.

With two days to go until my Choosing Ceremony, I am almost certain that I will give my blood to Erudite. I've enjoyed the time I've spent volunteering in the school computer lab, and I think I would like to be a teacher. Abnegation has taught me patience, and I know teachers need more of that than most people. I can easily see myself standing at the front of a classroom, teaching computer science or math or even history in a light blue shirt under a dark blue vest, grading tests after school and tutoring students who need extra help. Teachers work long hours, but I wouldn't mind that. It's not like I'm used to having a lot of unstructured time.

Katherine says that she likes working with computers because they don't think for themselves and only ever do what you tell them to do. I think of the other Abnegation that way, and more than once I wish I could be more like them. They are always so sure of their place and their role, and they never seem to question anything. There are times I feel like I could burst out of my skin with wanting to be elsewhere, doing something completely un-Abnegation. I want to know what I might look like with long hair or wearing black or blue. I want to argue with the Candor kids in my classes not to determine who has the right answer, but just to fight, raise my voice, have an audience. Sometimes I want to run for the sole purpose of feeling the burn in my legs. I study the tattoos and piercings my Dauntless classmates have and wonder what it would be like to choose my pain.

I have learned to live with all of this dissonance because my brother is more important to me than knowing how those scenes of defiance might play out.

Without question, through all our disagreements and my frustrations with how well Caleb is suited to leading a quiet, rule-following Abnegation life, I would do anything for him. But being a good brother, advising and helping and guiding him, is often difficult. I have to push my own wants and needs aside, and that is harder than I can let anyone know. Because sometimes I hate Caleb every bit as much as I love him. Not for who he is, but for not having his best qualities in myself. When he sits calmly as our father cuts his hair, I hate him for being passive. When he helps someone without pausing, expecting nothing in return, I hate him for being so effortlessly perfect. I know none of it is fair to him, but I won't apologize for the feelings I keep to myself. Selfishness comes in the act, not the thought.

I will tell myself that until I believe it.

The other Abnegation probably think of us as a unit, the Eaton boys, not caring which of us is which. In a way I guess I couldn't blame them, both of us slim with dark hair in identical gray uniforms. No one ever stops to notice that we have different eyes, different jawlines, different voices. To want anyone to see us as individuals is too self indulgent. It would be the epitome of selfishness to ask others to acknowledge that Caleb is better at math where I excel with computers. That the religious services we attend every week make Caleb more faithful and me more skeptical. That he never questions anything that is asked of him, and that I hate him sometimes for it.

And yet.

The Abnegation who are most like Caleb know how imperfect our hearts can be and are never discouraged by it. They believe and show that dedication to selflessness means a better life for everyone. I know I can never give my father's fellow council members an honest answer on the rare occasions they see me and ask me how I am, but they truly want to know when they ask. If I am anything but fine, they want to know what they can give of themselves to make me better. Caleb shows this to me every day without even trying. Because of that, I can never hate him for more than a minute. He makes me see the best in our faction, makes me want to be just like him.

After my service hours are done for the day, I say goodbye to Katherine. She tells me she'll miss having me in the lab, and that whichever faction I choose, she hopes it brings me fulfillment. I want more time to myself, so I choose to walk home from school today. I think best in these times, listening to the white noise created by the chaos of trains and buses and people.

Every time I sit quietly at school, not because that's what Abnegation children do but because a recent beating from Marcus means it would hurt too much to laugh or play, I think about telling one of the Amity counselors at school the truth. Then I think days, weeks, months into the future and realize I can't. Even if someone did believe me, Marcus is too trusted, too revered. It's unlikely anyone would do anything to him. He is the leader of the faction entrusted with governing everyone else. It would be my word against his, and I can't risk the safety and reputation of an entire faction on a gamble like that. If someone did believe me, it would be the perfect chance for Erudite or Candor to gain control of the city government and shape it to their wants rather than everyone else's needs. The leaders who are true servants, truly selfless, don't deserve that.

I turn my choices of Erudite and Abnegation over and over. If I left to become a teacher, that act alone wouldn't change who Caleb is. He would still be selfless. But Caleb won't choose his faction for another two years. Would two years of having all of Marcus's attention change him? If Marcus's outlet for his rage were Caleb, not me, would it empty and destroy all of Caleb's good traits? I already feel like it's destroyed some of mine. I can't think of another reason why I often feel so much anger and frustration instead of the patience and generosity that seem to come easy to everyone else in Abnegation.

The aptitude test will tell me the right answer. All I have to do is trust it.