Gamer4 in... I don't remember writing the last episode. That's probably a bad sign. I dare not go back and look at it- let's just keep moving forward.

Disclaimer: The Big Lebowski comes to us courtesy of the Coen Brothers, who likely do remember their work. I think. Oh- extra language this chapter- figured I should let ya know ahead of time.

Episode VII

The Great Jacques Schnee

The guests blinked in confusion- indeed, the coffee table was gone, leaving Crazy to roll around on the floor where it had been.

"He smegged me, he smegged me, friendship is dead and never-"

"Okay, enough of that," George interjected, rolling his eyes as he forced Crazy to his feet. "Who's Water Boy?"

"Friend of mine... he was over for the fourth, I guess he slipped into this world while I was looking the other way..."

"He showed us another world," Ren volunteered. "One where-"

"-Ruby died!" Yang interrupted, snarling. "Tell me, Hand, why are there so many worlds where Ruby dies?!"

Crazy gulped, pulling away as much as he could. "Er... well... you see, the thing about that is... HARRY, HELP ME!"

There was a popping noise as Harry Potter appeared out of nowhere, waving his wand and shouting "OBLIVIATE!" One flash of light later, and the guests were back on the couch, looking dazed.

"Oh... thank you," Crazy grinned. "They were about to beat me up again..."

"Start solving your own problems, you bloody yank," Harry shook his head.

"Oh, Harry!" George interrupted before he could go, his eyes sparkling. "Before you leave, mind if I ask you a few questions? How does magic work? Is it something in the air you tap into, is it something you generate yourself- and at what rate? And what-"

"Love to stick around, but I have things I need to do," Harry interrupted, before turning and stepping into nothingness.

George sighed heavily. "I'm going to get that interview one of these days..."

"Urr... what happened?" Nora wondered as she rubbed her head. "Last thing I remember was Renny hypnotizing Ruby, and- oh! Fearless Leader!" She brightened perceptibly when she saw Jaune standing there. "When did you get here?!"

"Jaune!" Pyrrha beamed upon seeing him sitting next to her.

"Er... you guys went missing earlier, so I asked if I could use the bathroom as an excuse to go looking for you... but instead of the hallway, the door opened into this house," Jaune recalled, glancing around. "Er... where are we?"

"We're in a world between worlds," Nora beamed brightly, thumbing over at Crazy and George. "One of these guys brought us here to watch a bunch of different worlds from the multiverse, usually starring you, but not always- they said they didn't want us feeling left out. They'd like to send us right back home, but they need to tell some sorta story first, or we'll all die horrible, painful deaths."

Yang sniggered a bit at the befuddled look on Jaune's face- Weiss, Blake, Pyrrha, and Ren all facepalmed.

"You... alright there, Nora?" Jaune asked. "You didn't drink espresso again, did you?"

"No, she's right," Ruby confirmed. "We've had a world where you were a psychic fighting aliens, a world-famous author, and a kick-butt android!" She, too, was beaming at him.

For some reason, Jaune seemed to sag into himself. "Ah. I see. I guess it makes sense that just about every other version of me out there would be cooler than I am..."

"Oh, don't talk about yourself like that!" Pyrrha objected immediately. "You're plenty cool!"

"Pyrrha, I don't even have my semblance yet..."

Weiss spared him a brief look of pity before leaping to her feet and grabbing Crazy's ear.

"Ow, ow, ow, ow!"

"You caused this problem," she hissed in his ear. "Now do something to fix it!"

"Okay, okay, just let go!" Crazy pleaded. She obliged. "Smeg, at least we get to see you do care-"

She reached back and grabbed his other ear. "Oh, Dancer, whyyyyyyyyyyyyy!?"

Everyone stared as Weiss returned to her seat with a 'Hmph!'

"Okay, fine, you want a less-awesome Jaune? I'll give you a less-awesome Jaune," Crazy decided. "Here, try this world on for size."

The guests seemed rather uncertain as he plugged the next one in.

The screen opened up on a sandy hill, an old country song playing in the background. As usual, the title appeared-

The Great Jacques Schnee

"Father?" Weiss asked bluntly. "You have a universe in your collection about my father?"

"Kinda, kinda not," Crazy shook his head. "Look, just listen to the narration, would ya?"

"I've heard many stories in my great long life, but this is one that stuck with me. Way out west, there was this man I want to tell you about."

"Wait, is this a western?" Nora asked excitedly. "Oh, I love westerns!"

"I can't say I do," Blake grumbled. "A glorified take on all the terrible things that-"

"SHUT UP, COWBOYS ARE AWESOME!" Nora struck her down immediately.

"That narrator- it's Ozpin!" Jaune gasped.

"Oh, yeah, you haven't seen any before," Ruby recalled. "He's been in a few of them... though he does kinda have the tendency to end up dead."

Jaune suddenly looked uncomfortable. "How often do... people die in these things?"

"Death is a natural part of life," Pyrrha said quietly. "Peering into so many universes, it seems only natural we'd encounter a few."

"But what does this have to do with father?" Weiss pondered. "Is he the man Ozpin wants to tell us about?"

"That man... he went by the name 'Jacques Schnee.'"

"Oh... I see."

"Why do we have to watch a western about that... person?" Blake asked menacingly.

"Relax, everything is not what it seems!" Crazy said quickly.

"Or at least, that's the handle his parents gave him- he never had much use for it himself. This Jacques Schnee preferred people to call him Jaune Arc- or, even better, call him by his chosen name, The Dude."

"...What."

Nope, no more, that was everyone's reaction.

"Now, Dude... that's not a name anyone would take where I come from... but add that to the list of things about the Dude that don't make much sense to me. Or about where he lives, for that matter."

The camera lifted up from the desert to reveal a vast, sprawling city- a tumbleweed blew into it from the east.

"So... this isn't a western or about Mr. Schnee?" Pyrrha asked, confused beyond belief.

"You're not going to tell me Arc is my father here," Weiss crossed her arms.

"No, of course not!" Crazy shook his head. "...They just happen to have the same name."

"Oh, of course, that makes total sense," Weiss rolled her eyes.

"I mean, stranger things have happened in these worlds," Ruby reflected. "Maybe there's a world where he's identical to our dad."

The sisters turned to glance at Jaune, scratching at a patch of stubble on his chin he hadn't had the chance to shave that morning. He glanced over at them. "...What?"

"No, there was precious little about the city of Vale that I truly understood... but then, perhaps that's why I found it so interesting. They say that Vale was founded by angels, though I saw precious little evidence of that. I shouldn't be unfair- there are some rather nice people there.

"I don't have too much to compare it to, I suppose. I've never been to London... or to France... nor have I seen any Queen's undergarments, as the old song goes."

"What is your fascination with perversion?!" Weiss growled in Crazy's direction.

"I'm not!" Crazy insisted. "He's saying he hasn't seen anything like that!"

Jaune had questions of his own. "Where are London and France?"

"Oh, France is a kingdom way east of here," Crazy answered quickly. "London's the capital of a kingdom in between. This version of Ozpin is... well travelled."

"Across different universes?" Weiss asked skeptically.

"Oh, stop being so boring, Weiss!" Nora rolled her eyes dramatically. "You lost your right to be skeptical when we got here!"

"But I will say this- after seeing the city of Vale... and this story I intend to tell... I do believe I've seen something as awe-striking as you'd see in any of those places- in English, no less. After seeing this story I'm about to tell, I do believe I can die with a smile on my face. The Dancer certainly did not cut me short."

"The Dancer?" Ren asked, quirking a brow.

"Longstory,we'llgettoitlater!" Crazy said in a single breath.

"Yes, this story... this story I intend to tell occurred during the nineties- round about the time of the war with Adam Taurus and the White Fang."

Everyone could feel Blake tense...

"Now, they don't factor into this story."

-And suddenly release.

"I only mention them at all because sometimes, there's a man- I wouldn't say a hero, because what is a hero, anyways, but... sometimes there's a man- and I'm talking about the Dude here- sometimes, there's a man, and..."

Ruby couldn't help giggling. "I think he's losing his train of thought.

As he spoke, the camera entered a supermarket, where a man appeared, alright- it looked like Jaune Arc, though his hair was rather longer than usual, reaching down past his shoulders, in matted tangles indicating he probably hadn't cared for it in nearly a decade. He had a similarly long and tangled beard and moustache. A pair of sunglasses hid his eyes, and he'd hardly dressed up for his excursion- he wore a t-shirt, a pair of pajama bottoms, slippers, and a bathrobe.

"Oh, my!" Pyrrha gasped.

Yang burst out laughing, while Jaune blushed and pulled his hood up.

"The... the indecency!" Weiss shrieked, affronted.

"You go, fearless leader!" Nora cheered. "You don't need any fancy-shmancy clothes to go out to the supermarket!"

"Yes, sometimes, there's a man... a man of his time and place. A man who fits right in- and that's the Dude, in the city of Vale. And even if he is a lazy man- which the Dude most certainly was, quite possibly the laziest in Vale, which would put him as a frontrunner for laziest in all of Remnant..."

Throughout this narration, Jaune picked up a pair of milk cartons- he opened one up and took a whiff, before taking a long, shameless drink from it.

Weiss looked like she was about to have a stroke.

Yang couldn't stop laughing.

Ruby looked horrified. "But... but... he hasn't paid yet!"

Nora was getting more and more excited as she cheered her fearless leader on.

Pyrrha kept opening her mouth as though intending to say something, but just kept closing it again.

Blake pressed her face further into her palm.

Ren tilted his head. "Hmm... that's one way to determine its worth..."

"Still, sometimes, there is a man... sometimes, there's a man... hmm... I seem to have lost my train of thought. But still, I believe I've introduced him enough."

Ozpin stopped speaking, making way for the return of the country song as Jaune took the milk he'd drunk from up to a register and wrote a check for it.

"Really? A check?" Blake rolled her eyes exaggeratedly. "It's only 69 cents."

"69 cents, eh?" Yang smirked. "You know what that means, right?"

Abruptly, Jaune lowered his hood, looking horror-struck. "I don't have enough for chicken nuggets!"

Yang huffed and crossed her arms. "You people are no fun."

Weiss was clenching and unclenching her fists. "That check... is... postdated!"

The scene changed to Jaune returning home to a run-down apartment. He opened the door and stepped inside. It was pitch black until he turned on the light, revealing a tall man with a goatee and bat wings behind him.

"Uh-oh," Ruby winced, already seeing what was coming.

Jaune stepped further into his hallway. He paused, blinking, and turned around. "Er- who are-"

Before he even finished the sentence, a second faunus with spiderweb patterns running up her arms tackled him from the side, rushing him down the hall into his bathroom, where she forced his head into the toilet.

"JAUNE!" Pyrrha panicked.

"Oh, they did not!" Nora growled.

"I'm so sorry," Blake muttered, looking away in shame.

"Ohh, and after I finally got away from Cardin," Jaune muttered.

"Wait, Cardin?" Pyrrha asked, perking up. "What do you mean-"

"Nothing!"

"Where's the money, Schnee?" the spider-faunus asked fiercely, before dunking his head again. "Where's the fucking money, Schnee? Tina said you're good for it!" Dunk. "Where's the fucking money, Shithead?!"

"Come on, they're not even giving him a chance to talk!" Yang snarled.

And yet, she did, finally pausing long enough in her dunking for Jaune to catch his breath and say, "It's... it's... it's down there somewhere, let me have another look."

Yang paused, then burst out laughing. "Kay, this Vomit Boy's got some sass to him!"

"You tell 'em, fearless leader!" Nora whooped.

Jaune smiled faintly, wishing that he could, indeed, be that cool under pressure.

Spider-faunus seemed less than amused. She shoved his head down again, far more roughly than before. "Don't fuck with us!" she snarled, before finally releasing him- he rolled over and struggled to wipe his sopping hair out of his face. "Your wife owes money to Roman Torchwick- that means you owe money to Roman Torchwick!"

A bomb may as well have been dropped. "Jaune's married?!" Pyrrha gasped.

"I... I pity the fool he tricked into that!" Weiss huffed. "Just look at the state of that place!"

"This is what happens when you fuck with Roman Torchwick, Schnee," the bat-faunus smirked, unzipping his pants.

"Oh, no, don't do that, man," Jaune groaned as the sound of whizzing met his ears.

"Urgh!" was pretty much everyone's response.

Blake shook. "Thanks for moving away from stereotypes..."

"Oh... not on the rug, man," Jaune groaned.

"This is what happens, Schnee," Spider-faunus growled. "You see what happens?"

"Urgh!" Jaune rolled his eyes heavily. "Nobody calls me Jacques Schnee- you've got the wrong guy! I'm Jaune Arc- the Dude, man!"

"You're Jacques Schnee, Schnee," Spider-faunus spat back. "And your wife is Tina."

Jaune gave an odd grunt-laugh. "Wife? My- my wife?" He held up his left hand. "Do you see a ring on this finger? Does this place look like I'm fucking married? The toilet seat's up, man!" He slammed it down to illustrate his point.

"My sentiments exactly," Weiss huffed.

"Ah, don't worry, Weiss, we know you're just glad to hear you didn't miss your boat yet," Yang teased.

"What?" Jaune asked, ears perking up.

"Oh, there was this other world where you two were kind of a-" Nora started, but Weiss slammed her hand over her mouth.

"Beep beep, Nora!" she snarled, then paused. "Er... I'm not sure where that came from. It just... felt right."

Nora blinked, but returned to her seat nonetheless.

With the seat back down, Jaune reached into the bowl and recovered his sunglasses, shaking them off before returning them to his face.

"Fashion before all," Blake noted dryly. "Coco would be proud."

Spider-faunus glanced at the bag Jaune had carried in- she reached in to find only a single item- a large bowling ball. "The fuck is this?"

"You've clearly never seen Lord of the Rings," Jaune grumbled, climbing onto the toilet. Spider-faunus glared at him and simply dropped the ball- it cracked the tiling.

"Dang, VB, you should take some notes!" Yang chortled. "Team CRDL would really back off if you had comebacks like this!"

"Heheh... yeah," Jaune nodded, shrinking into himself.

Spider-faunus glanced back at Bat-faunus. "Yuma?"

"Yes, Trifa?"

"...Would a billionaire really be living in a rundown apartment like this?"

As one, they looked at the rough appearance of the apartment-dwelling rat they'd been harassing.

"...Fuck."

"This just occurred to them now?!" Weiss looked like she was about to have a coronary. "They honestly thought that Schnees would live in a place like this?!"

"They don't seem to be the brightest bulbs in the socket," Ren commented agreeably.

"This guy's a fucking loser!" Yuma exclaimed.

"At least I'm housebroken," Jaune fired back.

Blake felt like she ought to comment, but, under the circumstances, let it slide.

The two thugs glowered at him, but settled for storming out the door, giving his befouled rug a kick for good measure on the way out.

Jaune watched them go, water dripping from his hair, before the scene suddenly cut to black, a new song playing at full blast.

The darkness lifted, revealing a fresh set of pins in a bowling alley. At the opposite end of the lane, a score-card was being slid into place, right next to a cupholder with a bottle of beer.

"A... a bowling alley?" Ruby pondered. "Why a bowling alley?"

"As my dear cousin Andrew once said," Crazy said, smiling nostalgically, "'Bowling is the medium through which this story is told.'"

The song continued to croon, a series of la's ringing out as a bowler picked up the ball and rolled, nailing a strike.

Elsewhere in the alley, a very familiar hand waved in front of a dryer before picking up a ball- Yang Xiao Long picked it up and bowled a strike. She grinned and did an odd dance back to her seat.

"Ugh," Yang rolled her eyes. "If you ever see me doing something like that, guys... shoot me."

Another shift of the camera, and they were watching someone they recognized from the tournament as Flynt Coal successfully knocking out a 7-10 split.

The girls of Team NDGO threw in near perfect synch with the song. Strike, strike, strike... gutter ball.

In the background, a tall man with red hair was spraying down the shoes that weren't being worn.

Blake burst out sputtering. "Wha- Adam?!"

"No, no, he only looks like Adam!" Crazy assured her quickly. "The real Adam's at war with the kingdoms of Vytal!"

A notion that didn't seem to settle her all that much.

And finally, the camera turned to Blake, showing perfect form as she threw her ball down the lane, smiling as she hit a strike.

The song finally faded into the background as she turned towards her teammates- Jaune Arc and Pyrrha Nikos. "I'm doing great tonight- mark it, Dude."

Jaune and Pyrrha were hardly paying attention- they were having a conversation of their own.

"So Jaune and I are on the same bowling team?" Pyrrha smiled. "I like the sound of that."

"Why Blake, though?" Nora wondered, pouting. "Why can't it be Team JNPR?"

"Why am I a bowler?" Blake added.

"One answer for all of you:" Crazy declared. "...Ka."

"Ka?" Yang asked, tilting her head.

"Ka."

"What does that-"

"It means that the woman in red fled across the desert, and the gunslinger followed, okay!" Crazy shouted back.

Everyone turned to George in hopes of a rational interpretation, but he was rolling his eyes. "He's been like this for a few days now- even I can't make much sense of it."

"That was a valuable rug," Pyrrha was saying.

"Yeah, yeah it was," Jaune agreed. "It really tied the room together."

"Valuable fucking rug," Pyrrha nodded.

There was a cumulative anime fall from everyone- despite everyone sitting down. Pyrrha Nikos... swore?

"What really tied the room together?" Blake asked.

"His rug- were you even listening to the Dude's story, Blake?" Pyrrha asked wearily.

"Huh?"

"Were you listening to the Dude's story?" Pyrrha repeated, eyes narrowing.

"I mean... I was bowling."

"So you have no frame of reference," Pyrrha groaned. "You're like a child wandering in to the middle of a movie and wonders-"

"Do you have a point, Pyrrha?" Jaune interrupted as he got his shoes on.

"Here's my point, Dude," Pyrrha turned back to him. "There's no reason that the person at fault-"

"Yeah, Pyrrha, what's your point?" Blake asked.

Pyrrha paused, a tic going in her eye.

"We seem like... a rather dysfunctional team," Pyrrha noted sadly.

"Since when have I been this oblivious?" Blake asked, only to shy away when everyone turned to her. "...What?"

"I mean, whenever you get deep into one of your books..." Ruby whispered.

"Except in this world, it's bowling instead of books," Yang concluded.

Blake pulled into herself, pouting.

"Yes, Pyrrha, we all know who's at fault here," Jaune nodded, doing up his laces. "But I still don't see what the fuck you're talking about."

"What the fuck I'm-" Pyrrha glowered. "Jaune, we're talking about unchecked aggression here."

"What are you talking about?" Blake asked.

"Forget it, Blake, you're out of your element!" Pyrrha snapped.

"Look, Pyrrha-" Jaune inserted himself before she could build up a head of steam. "It's on the spider-faunus- he's the one who peed on my rug. What do you want me to do, go give him a bill?"

"The fuck are you talking about- the spider-faunus is not the issue here!" Pyrrha's voice was starting to rise- always a bad sign. "I'm talking about drawing a line in the fucking sand, Dude!"

"Wow, Pyrrha," Nora was practically bent double laughing. "You're a lot more... outgoing here!"

Pyrrha was violently red, burying her face into her hands. "I'm sorry!"

Jaune placed a hand on her shoulder and smiled- she immediately broke into a stupid grin and snuggled into his shoulder.

Ruby's eyes narrowed.

"You draw a line in the sand, and say, YOU WILL NOT CROSS THIS- also-" Pyrrha cut herself off, returning to a more normal volume, "-spider-faunus is rather politically incorrect, Dude. Arachnid-Vytalian, please."

Jaune rolled his eyes heavily. "We're not talking about someone forced to work on railroads, Pyr, we're talking about-"

"Dangit, Jaune, FUCK THE SPIDER-FAUNUS!" Pyrrha roared.

"But he's the one who peed on my fucking rug!"

"Yeah!" Blake agreed, nodding. "He's the one who peed on the Dude's fucking rug!"

"Fuck off, Blake, you are out of your element," Pyrrha repeated. "Jaune, forget the spider-faunus, he's not the issue."

"Then who is?" Jaune asked as he stood and began to stretch.

"Jacques Schnee!" Pyrrha insisted. "The other Jacques Schnee, the great Jacques Schnee!" The phrase left her lips with no small amount of sarcasm. "The billionaire- he's got the wealth to pay these people off, so why doesn't he? There's no FUCKING reason his wife should go out, rack up massive debt and get faunus into your home to pee on your fucking rug! Am I wrong?!"

"No," Jaune grunted as he worked a knot out of his back.

"Am I wrong?!"

"No, Pyrrha, you're not wrong."

"Damn right, I'm not wrong."

"That's something I'm wondering," Weiss put in. "So, my father has a different wife in this world?"

"Remarried," Crazy addressed. "Trophy wife."

"Oh... I... I see."

"Are you okay, Weiss?" Jaune asked tentatively. "I... I know you don't really-" He reached out and placed a hand on her shoulder. She took his arm and wrapped it around her shoulder.

"Shut up, don't touch me," she whispered. The rest of Team RWBY watched on with small, sad smiles on their faces. Coming from Weiss, that may well be the closest he ever got to 'I love you.'

"No, Pyrrha, you're not wrong," Jaune repeated.

"Of course not. That rug really tied the room together," Pyrrha reminded him. "Did it not?"

"Yeah," Jaune nodded. "It really tied the fucking room together."

"And this guy peed on it," Blake noted scornfully.

Yang couldn't help snorting despite herself. "I think this Blake's just happy to be included."

"So that's what I need to do!" Jaune decided. "Find the other Schnee!"

"Schnee?" Blake blinked. "Hey, that's the same name as you, Dude!"

Blake curled further into herself. "Not that oblivious..."

"I need to find him and get him to compensate me for my rug!" Jaune affirmed, pacing and downing a beer at the same time. "I mean, his wife goes out, racks up debt all over town, and they pee on my rug?!"

"They peed on your fucking rug," Pyrrha nodded scornfully.

"Pee on my fucking rug," Jaune nodded.

"That's right, Dude," Pyrrha nodded. "They peed... on your fucking rug."

"Oh my God, we get it!" Weiss burst out- only to be calmed by the sudden arrival of the wild Nacho-cat. "Where were you a few minutes ago? Off being adorable? Yes you were, yes you were!"

Nacho purred happily as he settled into her lap. Jaune smiled and got in some scratches behind the ears. "Cute little guy, isn't he?"

"Just watch out for the black cat," Nora shuddered. "She's eeeeeeeviiiiiiil..."

Once again, the scene changed with surprising swiftness, as Jaune was led into a large, spacious chamber decked out all in white. His guide was a shorter man with a large bald spot. "And this, my good man, is the study, where the master keeps his highest awards and accolades."

"Klein?" Weiss gasped.

"Who's Klein?" Ruby asked.

"He's my favorite butler," Weiss answered without thinking- and quickly turned red.

Yang smirked. "Your butler, huh?"

"Your cake butler?" Ruby asked.

"No, not my- that is... urrrgh!"

Blake shrunk away- nobody must know, nobody must know, nobody must know...

Weiss changed the topic. "I don't see this conversation going well, is what I'm saying! My father would never admit to being complicit in something like this, let alone compensate someone for a simple rug!"

"Maybe your rug butler can help him out," Yang smirked.

"URGH!"

"Yeah, impressive," Jaune shrugged offhandedly. He wasn't really all that impressed- from what he could tell, most of these awards were fancy ways of saying, Hey, I threw a load of money around, and people gave me awards for it.

Weiss sighed heavily. "Yes... that... that sounds about right..."

"You got a... a key here..."

"The key to the city of Argus, yes. And beside it, you can see him sitting with the Queen of Atlas."

"Oh, he's the guy on the left?"

"Yes, that's him."

"A little handicapped, huh?"

"I believe he prefers the term disabled," Klein acknowledged. "Mr. Schnee has met with various royals, though he unfortunately hasn't had time for photos with all of them. The Queen of Atlas was something special, though- a wonderful woman, we quite enjoyed our time in her court."

Weiss groaned, knowing she was never going to hear the end of this.

"And these?" Jaune asked, gesturing to a picture of Jacques in the midst of several children.

"Oh, those are Mr. Schnee's children."

A vast spit-take, despite hardly anyone drinking anything. "Damn, Weiss, you didn't tell us your Dad got around that much!" Yang coughed.

Blake narrowed her eyes. "He has faunus children?"

Jaune seemed equally interested. "Catholic, I'm guessing? But, uh... ethnically, there's quite a few kinds in there, ain't there?"

Klein laughed. "Oh, my apologies, I didn't mean his actual children- these are the Little Schnee Urban Achievers- inner-city youth without the means for higher education. Mr. Schnee is determined to see them all into college."

"Or, more likely, it's all a publicity stunt," Blake hissed.

Some of the others cringed, wondering how Weiss would react- but she only sighed.

"Yes, yes, that sounds about right..."

"Nice," Jaune shrugged. "Think he's got room for one more?"

"One more?" Klein asked confusedly- then laughed. "Ah, I see. Mr. Arc, you are a delight. Now, Mr. Schnee should be here in a-"

The doors opened, and Jacques Schnee appeared in a motorized wheelchair, looking rather grouchy. "Very well, you're a Schnee, I'm a Schnee, terrific. However, I am quite busy- I cannot speak for you. What is it you wish to speak to me about?"

"Urgh," Nora grunted. "Weiss, is that your Dad? I can see the douchiness douching out of his douchenozzle!"

"Nora, that's disgusting," Ren chided- though they all noticed he hadn't countered the claim.

Jaune tilted his head, and slowly moved to a chair opposite Jacques's desk. "Well, sir, y'see, it's this... this rug I had. It really tied the room together, you see..."

Weiss took an obvious drink of the soda in front of her. "Every time they repeat a line like that, I'm taking a drink," she announced.

"Well, if we're gonna do that, we may as well do it properly!" Yang grinned. "Hey, Crazy, let's get some booze in here!"

"No booze, Mountain Dew," Crazy crossed his arms. "You don't like it, take it up with one of the other people running stories like these."

"...Are there?" Ruby asked thoughtfully.

"Huh?"

"Are there... other people running stories like these?"

Crazy blinked, and gulped. "Er... ON WITH THE SHOW!"

"Yes, I'm aware," Jacques brushed aside impatiently. "You told Klein, he told me. What I want to know is where I come into this."

"Well, y'see... they were looking for you, these guys."

"Yes, I know," Jacques interrupted. "You told Klein, he told me. Where do I fit into this?"

"You know what happened?" Jaune repeated.

"Yes, I'm quite aware."

"So... you know it's your rug they wanted to piss on?"

Jacques leaned forward. "Did I urinate on your rug, Mr. Schnee?"

Jaune groaned. "I really don't like this guy..."

There was a general nod of agreement.

Jaune blinked. "You mean... did you personally come and piss on my-"

"Do you speak English, Mr. Schnee?" Jacques interrupted. "Must I summon an interpreter? I'll ask again- did I urinate on your rug?"

"No, I'm pretty sure the guy's name was Yuma-"

"So let me get this straight," Jacques butted in again. "Every time a rug is befouled in this city, it's my job to set things right?"

Yang growled. "That's not what he's saying, and you know it, bastard."

Weiss rubbed her temples. "This is going almost exactly as I imagined..."

Jaune gave a small smile, more out of befuddlement than genuine amusement. "You think I'm trying to scam you or something?"

"No, I believe you're looking for a handout, like every other-"

Jacques had been building up a head of steam, but he paused and took a deep breath. "Are you employed, Mr. Schnee?"

"Okay, okay, let me explain something, real quick," Jaune sighed. "I am not Mr. Schnee- you're Mr. Schnee. My name's Jaune Arc- or you can call me the Dude. Yeah, just call me the Dude, really. The Dude, your Dudeness, the Duder, El Duderino, if you're not into the whole... brevity... thing..."

"You started off strong," Ren noted. "But fell a little flat towards the end."

"Thanks, Ren," Jaune sighed.

"We can work on your speech-writing skills, if you'd like."

"Thanks, Ren."

"Very well, then, Mr. Arc," Jacques crossed his arms. "Are you employed?"

"Well... that's kinda... employed?"

"I hardly think one would go looking for employment in a bathrobe, Mr. Arc," Jacques snorted derisively. "I hardly think most people go out at all in a bathrobe, particularly on a weekday!"

"It's a weekday?" Jaune asked, nonplussed.

"Really, now!" Weiss was getting worked up again- only the power of the Nacho kept her in her seat.

"No, no, you are unemployed," Jacques decided. "I, however, am not, if you don't mind."

"I... I do mind!" Jaune objected. "The Dude minds! This will not stand- this aggression will not stand, man!"

"You'd probably make a better point if you actually stood up," Blake threw in. "Just a tip from someone who used to protest for a living."

"...Thanks, Blake."

"I mean- your wife goes out racking up-"

"MY WIFE?!" Jacques suddenly burst, slamming his hand on the table. "MY WIFE IS NOT THE ISSUE HERE! My greatest wish is that my wife learn to live on her ample allowance one day! Until she does, that is her problem, not mine, just as your rug is your problem, not mine! Every bum's lot in life is their own problem, regardless of who else they choose to blame!"

"How dare you talk to Jaune like that!" Pyrrha's eyes were flaring.

"I dunno, he doesn't really seem to care all that much," Ruby pointed out.

Indeed, he was casually reaching into his robe's pocket and taking out his sunglasses again.

"I didn't blame anyone for the loss of my legs!" Jacques continued his tirade. "When some faunus shot them out on the shores of Menagerie! What did I do? I went out and achieved anyways! I cannot solve your problem, Mr. Schnee, only you can!"

Jaune stared at him for a good long while, before sighing. "Fuck it."

He rose to his feet and moved towards the door.

Yang let out a low whistle. "I'm guessing not many people act like that around your dad, do they?"

Weiss shook her head. "If only..."

The dismissive attitude only seemed to set Jacques off again. "Fuck it, hm? Of course, that's your answer to everything! You may as well tattoo it on your forehead! That's your way of admitting you've lost- the bums have lost! The bums always-"

Jaune casually shut the door to the study, immediately silencing him.

Klein was waiting just a little down the hallway. "Ah, Mr. Arc- how did the meeting go?"

"Pretty good," Jaune shrugged. "Old man said I could take any rug in the house."

The screen blanked out.

"That... was interesting," Pyrrha decided awkwardly.

"Renny and I weren't in it," Nora pouted.

"Aside from his handicap, my father was... terrifyingly accurate," Weiss muttered.

"He's exactly like I imagined," Blake noted dryly.

"I can't believe there's a world where I'm like that... and named after Weiss's dad," Jaune pondered.

"Oh, you think that's crazy?" Ruby laughed. "You should have seen the world where you were an android!"

"Good idea, Rubes!" Crazy perked up, grinning.

"Huh?"

"Jaune hasn't had the chance to see anything else yet- let's revisit some of those old worlds, huh? Starting with... Automata?"

XXXX

Finally, a full chapter. And yes, I swear this time, next episode will be a return to Automata. I got way off track, but I'm gonna get back on the rails next time- author's promise. Also, I've got a commission in the works for a cover- it's a long line at the moment, but I'll stick it out. To show you're sticking it out with me, please R&R, constructive criticism embraced, Gamer4 out!