Miracles did occur, because, Al Pollock had answered her call on the third ring, and an hour later Amanda had bundled the kids off with him to be dropped at their various locations for the day. Amanda had ignored another call – from Olivia this time, and now she was alone in her apartment all she could focus on was the sick feeling deep in her gut. She hadn't lied to Olivia for years. But getting showered, going to work, facing the day…it was insurmountable. She opened her message thread to Olivia.

Won't make it in today. I'm sick. Sorry.

Amanda's hand shook slightly as her thumb hovered over the send button. She felt like a failure. She hit send before she could think about it for too long. The longer she made Olivia wait for any sort of contact from her, the worse the consequences would be. Her heart stated to race, but before she could switch her iPhone to silent and avoid looking at it – avoid Olivia's response – it started to ring in her hand. Olivia Benson's name flashed up at her. Amanda swallowed, paralysed between her two choices: the one she should make, which was to answer Olivia's call, and the one she wanted to make, ignoring Olivia. In the end, she hesitated too long and the shrill ringing died down. There was silence now, save the ticking clock on her mantle.

The text message that buzzed through a second later was to the point: Call me.

Ignoring Olivia's request, Amanda wandered into the kitchen, where she dumped Jesse's rejected cereal into the trash. She wasn't hungry anymore. She poured out some food for Frannie, and the dog dived in with gusto. Now, there was a chance of some peace for a while. Amanda headed back to her bedroom and crawled under the covers of her unmade bed. She noticed Jesse's stuffed penguin on the pillow beside her. Her little girl must have brought it through with her when she had come in to wake her mother early. Amanda pulled the covers up around her shoulders and hugged the penguin close to her chest. Closing her eyes she sighed, hoping like hell sleep would help.

Despite the fact Amanda spent a lot of her nights after climbing exhaustedly into bed lying awake, staring at the ceiling whilst her racing mind prevented her from falling asleep, she must have drifted back off fairly quickly. She concluded this because she felt like only a few minutes had passed before she was being woken once more – by her iPhone ring tone this time, instead of her daughter. She really ought to have put it on silent. She was surprised at the time: 13:20, but unsurprised at the caller.

Olivia.

With a reluctant huff, Amanda swiped her answer icon. She couldn't avoid her forever.

"Liv, I'm sorry-"

"Amanda?" Olivia interrupted, "I've been trying to talk to you all morning – why didn't you call me?" she asked.

"I, uh…sorry," Amanda faltered, "I meant to call-"

"Well I'm outside your door," Olivia interrupted again, "Can you let me in?"

Amanda's heart sunk. She didn't need Olivia to see her having woken up less than a minute ago in her night clothes. She didn't need Olivia to see her apartment still cluttered with untidied breakfast dishes. But it wasn't like Olivia was going to go away, so Amanda pulled herself out from under her warm blankets and trudged to her apartment door, shivering slightly when she opened it and the colder air from the corridor hit her.

She was ashamed to stand before Olivia as she was, dishevelled and half asleep when Olivia looked as perfect and beautiful as ever. Amanda could feel Olivia's eyes on her, intense, studying her closely.

"Jesus, Amanda, you look like hell," Olivia said after a moment, concerned.

Well, that was something, Amanda thought. At least Olivia wouldn't know she had called in sick when she was perfectly well.

"Sorry I didn't call you back," Amanda muttered, "I fell asleep,"

"Are you that sick you've been asleep all morning?" Olivia asked, and Amanda blinked in surprise, slightly taken aback when suddenly Olivia's palm was pressed against her forehead, "You don't feel hot, but you look terrible," she lifted her other hand up to show Amanda what she was carrying, "I bought you some soup from that deli you like," Olivia sidestepped around Amanda and into her apartment without waiting for an invite, "I figured maybe you didn't feel like cooking if you're sick," she watched as Olivia's brown eyes swept over her messy apartment. Frannie trundled over to say hello, and Olivia indulged the dog with a quick scratch behind the ears.

"Amanda?" Olivia cajoled her for a response, and Amanda realised she was stood, mute and unmoved, in her open door way. "Are you alright?" Olivia asked, awash with worry.

"Sorry," Amanda said, and she shook her head slightly in an attempt to gather herself, "I'm ok…it's just…the flu," she lied, and she picked up a hooded sweater off the hook beside her front door and quickly pulled it over her head. Maybe Olivia's visit would be slightly more bearable if she didn't feel as physically exposed, standing shivering in her thin pyjama shirt.

"Why don't you sit down?" Olivia suggested sympathetically, "And I'll serve this soup for you?"

Amanda walked over to her couch and sunk down into the cushions and brought her knees up against her chest, embarrassed on many different levels. One, her boss was in her untidy kitchen making her soup. Two, her boss was in her apartment while she looked a complete mess, straight from her bed. Three…well, embarrassment point number three was the worst. So bad, it had pushed the limits of embarrassment and crept over the line into disgust. Olivia was here full of care and concern and armed with soup, when Amanda had presumed the older woman had come here to reprimand her instead. It was a testament to how far she and Olivia had come, really, Amanda supposed. There had been a time not too long ago where Olivia eyed all of her actions and excuses with doubt and distrust; had assumed the worst of Amanda's character instead of her best. Amanda had worked hard at building Olivia's trust in her, and had obviously done too good a job. Because for the first time in a long time, Olivia had fallen for Amanda's lies. And where once Amanda would have experienced relief at such a situation, now all she felt was shame.

Amanda pulled her sleeves down over her hands, and swiped over her tear-filled eyes with one of them, before pressing her hand over her mouth to muffle a sob. However, she was not quick enough, as almost immediately after the sound had escaped her lips, Olivia had sprung out of the kitchen and into her living space, a steaming hot bowl of chicken soup in her hand.

"Amanda?" Olivia asked, and if possible, she sounded even more worried than she had before, "Amanda!" she repeated in alarm when she realised the noise she had heard had been a stifled cry, "What's wrong?" she placed the soup on the coffee table and sat down beside Amanda. Olivia reached her arm out to rest on the back of the couch behind Amanda's blonde head and let her fingers fall to touch her, and ever so softly, Olivia began to soothingly stroke the skin at the nape of her neck. "Why are you crying?" she whispered.

"I'm sorry," Amanda sniffed, and she held her sleeved hands against her face. The weight of the guilt forced her to confess, "I'm not sick," she admitted, her words muffled slightly by the fabric. When Olivia did not immediately respond, the silence was worse than a reprimand, and the fingertips tenderly massaging the back of her neck came to an abrupt stop. "I'm sorry, I'm so sorry," Amanda sobbed again, congested and broken, merely to fill the gaps in the silence.

"What do you mean you're not sick?" Olivia spoke eventually, and without looking at her face, Amanda could not tell if Olivia was confused or angry.

Amanda could only sob harder into her hands in response.

"Amanda, hey," Olivia cajoled, and she started up the gentle pressure to the back of her neck again, "Look at me," she encouraged, her tone full of compassion now, as if she had taken onboard Amanda's confession, but was more concerned by her current state of distress than she was by the deceit.

"I- I can't," Amanda stammered. She could not bear to look at Olivia. She was exhausted, ashamed, weak…if Olivia looked into her eyes, she would see all those things. It was not like she could even define why she felt so terrible. She was so fortunate to have everything she had: her girls, her job…she should be grateful, because it was more than most. And thinking back to where she had come from…when she thought of her mother and her sister and considered how she could have turned out…she was lucky. She should be thankful.

So why wasn't she?

"Why?" Olivia asked, "It's only me," she said comfortingly, and she touched Amanda's hands, still covering her face, in an attempt to try to encourage her to move them and look her boss in the face.

"No!" Amanda's voice cracked on the word, and she quickly turned her head in the opposite direction to where Olivia sat to emphasise her refusal.

"Ok, I'm sorry," Olivia said, and as well as gently rubbing the back of Amanda's neck, she used her other hand to stroke Amanda's arm, trying desperately to do something that would help Amanda calm down. "Do you think you can tell me what's got you so upset?" Olivia asked, "You don't have to look at me if it's too hard, sweetie, just talk," Olivia offered, "What's happened?" she asked, and Amanda felt her heart ache at the anxiety that laced Olivia's words. If only it was that simple, Amanda thought. If only she could articulate some of the pain she was feeling to Olivia, maybe she would feel better. But she could not. She had no words.

"I…I don't know what to say," Amanda blurted out, her words halting with the intensity of the emotion.

"Please try and say something," Olivia pleaded, but with nothing but care, "I'm so concerned, honey," she said, still stroking the back of Amanda's neck, "I've never seen you so upset."

"I'm just…" Amanda trailed off.

"You're just what?" Olivia encouraged.

"I'm just so tired!" she finally blurted out, and she sounded so pathetic to her own ears that she immediately dissolved back into tears. She rarely cried, even in her own company much less anyone else's, but now she had started, the dam had burst and she could not stop. "I'm tired of it all…of Kim…work…the kids…" the guilt consumed her then, and she trailed off for a moment. "I don't deserve them," she concluded simply, and she lifted her head out of her hands and tried to dry her face with her sodden sleeves, though more tears fell from her blue eyes immediately to replace the ones she erased.

"Ok, stop," Olivia said, and she stopped stroking Amanda's arm and took one of her hands in her own slightly larger one, pushed the wet sleeve up around Amanda's delicate wrist, and linked their fingers together. "Don't be ridiculous. Kids will run you ragged, it doesn't mean you don't deserve them if you admit they exhaust you, ok?"

Despite herself, Amanda nodded in agreement with Olivia, swiping her running nose with her free hand. It was easier to agree than argue. And she could not expect Olivia to understand her truly, when she did not really understand how she felt herself.

"And as for work…well…it's always going to be tough, isn't it?"

Amanda did not answer. It wasn't that she worked a tough job. Usually, she loved it and thrived from it. Amanda thought it was not really work at all. It was her. She was the problem. She could not cope any longer and not because of the harrowing situations she dealt with on a daily basis, but because of her. Something had altered or changed in or around her, she couldn't really figure it out, only that she was not the same now as she once was. Maybe it was a cumulative effect, and everything over time had worn her down; she had run on empty for too long and now she had nothing left to give.

"It's not the job," she whispered, and she finally turned to look Olivia in the eye. "I think it's me, Liv," she admitted. And it was an admission that should have terrified her, but it didn't. Maybe it would have terrified the old her. This new, weird version of herself didn't feel anything about that realisation. She observed herself from the outside, flitting between being over stimulated and numb. She had broken down because she simultaneously felt too much and nothing at all.

Olivia looked back at her closely, and Amanda saw something shift within her dark eyes, as if suddenly she understood.

"Oh, Amanda," Olivia sighed, and she gave the small hand she was holding a sympathetic squeeze. "How long have you felt like this?" she asked, and the compassion that radiated off her was enough to cause a fresh torrent of tears to fall down Amanda's flushed face.

Amanda shrugged a shoulder and sniffled, "I don't know," she answered honestly, "It's kind of just built up over time since Billie was born," she bit her lip and blinked her watery eyes heavily to clear the tears.

"I'm sorry," Olivia said and she let go of Amanda's hand to wipe the tear tracks from her cheeks, "I'm sorry I hadn't noticed how much you've been struggling."

"I didn't want anyone to know," Amanda closed her eyes and let Olivia wipe her tears as she spoke, "I feel so pathetic," she said, "And guilty," she added, "I have got two beautiful girls, a job I love…so why do I feel so shit?" she asked, half to Olivia and half simply out loud to herself."

"I don't think it works like that," Olivia hesitated then, as if was deciding whether or not to say what she was thinking next.

"What?" Amanda prompted.

"Have you thought about talking to anyone about how you're feeling?" Olivia said, warily.

Amanda rolled her eyes and shrugged Olivia's arm away from around her and pulled her hand back. She shuffled further along the couch, away from her lieutenant, agitated at the suggestion.

"That's your answer to everything, isn't it, Olivia?" Amanda knew her tone of voice was unnecessarily aggressive, that she was being completely unreasonable in her response to a valid proposed course of action to deal with her feelings. But she could not rein herself in. "You might have had a great time in therapy, Olivia," Amanda said, and she knew she was being a bitch, her words were untrue and entirely unfair, but she couldn't stop herself from lashing out, "But it isn't for me, ok?" she snapped, venom in her voice, "It won't work for me."

"Why do you believe you're so broken you can't be fixed, Amanda? Very few people are beyond help in this world, and you're certainly not one of them," Olivia reassured her. "Come here," Olivia said, when Amanda broke down once more at Olivia's words and began to sob into her hands again, "Come here, sweetheart," Olivia encouraged, and she extended her arm around Amanda's shoulders once more.

Amanda usually resisted comfort, but now she went gratefully into Olivia's arms. She needed it so badly. She pressed her face into the warmth of Olivia shoulder, and continued to cry hard sobs that made her shake, that made her chest ache. Olivia wrapped her arms around Amanda and held her tightly while she cried.

"I'm sorry I said such horrible things, Liv," Amanda said, as she appreciatively wound her arms around Olivia and hugged her back, "You didn't deserve that."

"Shh," Olivia murmured quietly, "You didn't mean it, I know that," Olivia rocked her gently within her arms, "It's ok. You mentioned your sister, earlier," Olivia remembered, "Is Kim causing you trouble again?" she asked.

Jesus. Kim.

"I've been ignoring her calls," Amanda's voice was small. At some point in the past, she had made a promise to protect her sister, whatever the cost. But she did not have the strength to save someone who was hell bent on self-destruction anymore.

"That might be for the best right now," Olivia acknowledged, and she continued to rock Amanda gently in her arms as she cried, more softly now, as she had exhausted herself with all her tears.

"I'm sorry I lied to you about being sick," Amanda said, composed enough to continue to talk, but she made no effort to remove herself from Olivia's embrace, and Olivia kept her close while she spoke.

"It's ok, Amanda, I'm not angry…but going back to what I said about you talking to someone about this- I think it is important."

Amanda felt Olivia's grip around her tighten when she bristled and stiffened at the suggestion once more.

"I just needed a day, Liv," Amanda said, immediately on the defensive once more, "Just one day to sleep, and-"

"You think it's that easy, Amanda?" Olivia challenged, "Fine, take a day. But happens when you wake up tomorrow, and you feel the same? Or the day after? Or next week?"

Amanda sighed. She did not have a response. She had no valid argument to throw in Olivia's face. She just did not want therapy. She couldn't do it.

"I know how scary it is, Amanda," Olivia said, almost as if she had read Amanda's mind, and Amanda welled up again, powerless against Olivia's ability to see past the walls she had spent so long erecting around herself. She kept her face hidden against Olivia. "But I'll help you," she said, and she rubbed a hand up Amanda's back in an effort to provoke a response. "I can help you find someone – the right person who can help you. I'll go with you…if you want?" Olivia offered, and Amanda's heart melted a little at the apprehension in Olivia's tone as she spoke her proposal, as if she was fearing Amanda's rejection.

Amanda was immediately riddled with guilt. She had been horrible to Olivia for no good reason, when all Olivia had done was visit her with good intentions and try to help her.

"I'm sorry," Amanda apologised again, "You're being so nice to me, and I'm being difficult...as ever," she added with a self-depreciating sigh.

"Thank you for apologising, but like I said, I know you didn't mean it," Olivia responded, still holding Amanda close, "And I can't force you to do anything, but I think talking to someone could really help you."

"I am scared," Amanda conceded, and she closed her eyes when Olivia stroked her back again in comforting recognition of her words, "I've always been scared…it's why I've always fought against it…but I don't know if I can go on feeling so burnt out, Liv," Amanda admitted, "I don't know what to do," she was a little frightened that she had given voice to the truth that she had been trying to deny.

"Maybe you could give it a try?" Olivia said, so softly, and Amanda felt the other woman's breath at her temple as she spoke and the ghost of a gentle kiss against her clammy skin.

"Maybe," Amanda finally relented, and her chest felt tight as the word escaped her, "Would you really come with me?" she asked, her disbelief grown from always being the one looking after others – her mother, her sister, her kids…no one had ever taken the time to look out for her.

"Oh, Amanda, of course I will!" Olivia emphasised and she squeezed her tighter in her embrace for emphasis, "Of course I will do that for you, honey!"

"Would you ask Dr Lindstrom for a referral?" Amanda asked, unbelieving that those words were actually coming out of her own mouth. But maybe it was time to trust someone who, as much as she hated to admit it, knew better than she did. "I know I kind of threw it back in your face last time…"

"You weren't ready then, and that's ok, Amanda. Don't feel bad about that."

Amanda nodded. She hadn't been ready last time, but she hoped that maybe now with the support of a friend, that she could pick herself up and live the life she wanted with her girls, the life deserved to live.