A/N: Thanks to Sheepish123 for coming up with the title for this one

"Mama!"

Amanda Rollins' body was heavy. Almost as if someone had filled her legs up with wet sand, or put rocks in her stomach.

"Mama!" a small voice repeated, with increased urgency.

Amanda moaned as she opened her gritty eyes.

The luminous lights of clock numbers read 05:05.

"Go back to sleep, baby, it's too early." Amanda closed her eyes again as she sensed a small figure approaching her bedside. She sighed in desperation. She barely slept these days, and the depravation was catching up with her. Amanda thought she felt worse than she had in either of her daughters' new-born days, though this time round neither of her small children had too much to do with her ability – or lack thereof – to find rest. She kept her eyes closed, but she could feel her three-year-old's breath against her face and despite knowing better, she hoped Jesse would retreat back to her bedroom.

"Mama, I'm hungry," Jesse persisted, and Amanda felt a small finger prod harshly against one of her eyelids in an attempt to pry it open.

"Ouch! Jesse!" Amanda shot up and swatted her daughter's hand away from her face, "That really hurt," she rubbed her eye as Jesse, unapologetic, climbed up beside her on the bed.

"I want cereal," the little girl proclaimed, as she straddled Amanda's legs and wrapped her little arms around her mother's neck, demanding, "Carry me!"

Amanda lay back down, and flipped Jesse over to lie next to her, "We need to sleep some more, Jess, or we'll be tired later," quite why Amanda was persevering, she couldn't say. All hope of further sleep was lost, and they both knew it.

"But I've finished sleeping!" Jesse whined, and she leaned up on her elbow, her chin resting on her hand. With the other, she started to twirl strands of Amanda's blonde hair, fanned out on the pillow between them. "I gotta pee," Jesse whispered into her ear.

"Then go to the bathroom – "

"I want you to come, too!" Jesse interrupted, getting irater the longer her mother remained in bed.

Amanda sighed defeatedly, and glanced back at the clock. 05:08. Three minutes, and she had broken. That had to be a new record. Amanda sat up and swung her sand-filled legs out of bed. Now she thought about it, her bladder felt uncomfortably full, too.

"Yessss!" Jesse hissed, and she darted out from the bedroom, hurdling over a sleeping Frannie in the doorway. The dog looked up at Amanda with disgust as she slowly and reluctantly followed her energetic child out into the living room.

"I know," she bent down to scratch Frannie's ears on the way past, "It's too early."

Frannie sighed and closed her eyes with pleasure at the action, before rolling over in the hopes of a belly rub. Amanda ignored the hint and stepped over her pet. She was too exhausted. She had nothing to give. Not even a quick belly rub to her oldest, most loyal companion. The world was taking too much from her right now. Jesse would need feeding and dressing and dropping at preschool. Billie would need feeding, changing and taking to the nanny. Frannie would need feeding and walking. Then she would get to work, and more people would be there to take some more from her: her time, her energy, her emotional reserve. She swallowed the lump rising in her throat as she started to heat some water for coffee and pour Jesse's cereal. She just needed a break – just one goddamn day to herself. She had a sudden urge to curl up into a ball and stick her fingers in her ears, but that wasn't really a viable option.

Jesse skipped into the kitchen space after her bathroom visit, "I want a bagel," she said, her eyes landing on her freshly poured bowl of Coco-pops.

Amanda rolled her eyes and gave what felt like her hundredth sigh of the morning already, "You said you wanted cereal," she spoke through gritted teeth. She was trying to keep her cool, but her nerves were already frayed with fatigue. She stared into her own blue eyes, which stared back at her out of a child whose stubbornness rivalled even that of her own. Jesse had her youth over Amanda, though. At some point, adulthood had sucked some of the persistence out of her. More often than not, Amanda found herself giving up these days.

The sharp cry of a baby broke the kitchen stare-down, and Amanda hastily shoved a sliced bagel under the grill before trudging back into her bedroom (the source of the noise), but this time she tripped over Frannie.

"Shit," she hissed, and she caught hold of the door handle to keep herself from landing in a heap on the floor. The dog barked, affronted, then stood up and stretched out, giving a whine as she yawned widely and padded towards the kitchen. Great. Someone else who would want feeding soon.

"Hey, baby," she smiled over the crib as she picked up a screaming, red-faced Billie, "Your sister beat you to it this morning, mama is already awake," she cooed, and she swung the baby round to sit on her hip. Placated slightly with the attention, Billie's cries quieted to grunts and sniffles, and Amanda bounced her up and down to try to keep her that way whilst she hurried back to the kitchen to fish Jesse's bagel out before it burnt. Clumsily, she tried to spread peanut butter one handed with as much speed as she could muster, as Billie chewed on her own fist, revving up to scream with hunger at any moment.

"Here you go, honey," Amanda set the plate down in front of where Jesse sat waiting expectantly at the table, who immediately picked up a half and took the biggest bite she could manage.

Amanda's own stomach rumbled as she listened to Jesse crunch her breakfast, and she looked longingly back to the rejected bowl of Coco-pops still on the counter, disappointed she probably wouldn't have time to shove it down her throat before leaving her apartment. There was no time for any of her needs, so it seemed, as she bit her lip in consideration and looked down at Billie, who stared back at her with big, needy blue eyes. Amanda hadn't even had time for her own trip to the bathroom since Jesse had woken her demanding breakfast. Motherhood had taught her the art of multitasking and she had long since achieved expert status. However, simultaneously peeing and breastfeeding a wriggling baby was a skill she was yet to master, and Billie took a big breath to fill her tiny lungs, ensuring when she wailed it was at the top of her voice, indicating she wasn't prepared to wait a second longer.

"Ok, ok," Amanda mumbled, and she shuffled to the couch to sit down to nurse. She lay Billie across her lap, and the baby smacked her lips eagerly, searching to latch, grabbing at Amanda with tiny fingers, "Ok, baby, here it is," she said when Billie made further noises of impatience, and she unbuttoned her shirt and guided the infant's mouth to her nipple. Billie settled the second she started to suck, eyelids drooping sleepily despite having only just woken, and Amanda pressed soft kisses to the top of her baby's head over and over again, stroking the fine, almost invisible blonde strands of hair at her crown. The scent of peanut butter wafted her way, and Jesse squeezed in beside Amanda on the couch and lay her head against her mother's shoulder. Amanda used her free hand to pull Jesse in for a tight hug, and she kissed her other daughter's blonde head, sharing her affection equally. She had been the older, less-favoured sister, and she would be damned if either of her daughters were ever going feel inferior to the other.

"I love you!" Jesse squealed, and she pressed a sloppy, peanut-buttery kiss square on Amanda's lips before sliding back off the couch and dashing back to the table for further bites of breakfast.

Amanda looked down and stroked her finger down the side of Billie's face. What she had done right to deserve her children, she could not identify right now. As exhausted, hungry, and desperate to pee as she was, Amanda did not think she had space to feel anything more, but something else was squeezing it's way through, vying for the opportunity to be heard. It might have been guilt, or dread, but for what exactly Amanda could not exactly pin point. There was too much to choose from and her mind was too muddled.

"I love you, too," she answered, and even to herself her voice was hollow. But Amanda did love her. It was just that right now, she couldn't feel anything but the bad. She was overwrought; the hunger fed the exhaustion which bred an anxiety so strong that (alongside her long-neglected need to use the bathroom) made her belly ache. She was so over-stimulated with it all, it rendered her numb to anything else.

Her phone buzzed from the arm of the couch where she had left it last night.

3 missed calls: Kim Rollins

For a moment, Amanda didn't breathe. The rocks in her stomach were actually in her lungs, and there was no space for air. The guilt, the dread, the everything-else-she-couldn't-define all rolled over each other and made her feel fuller than she had at full-term pregnancy, but not in a good way. She flipped her cell face down, but a second later it buzzed again. She prayed desperately that the other woman hadn't left Amanda any more voicemails. Hopefully, she would just go away. Stay in Georgia, where she belonged.

Amanda flipped her cell back, face upwards again, she breathed a sigh of relief.

1 New Message from Olivia Benson.

With her spare hand, Amanda opened it.

"Need you all here, ASAP."

Amanda closed her eyes and pressed her head back against the couch, swallowing a sob that rose up her throat. She couldn't handle busy. She couldn't face going in early. And whatever time she would get away tonight, it was already too late. Frannie barked loudly from by her food bowl.

Amanda just wanted her bed.