Through the Ice of the Beholder
By Rey

Started on: 5th December 2019 at 07:54 PM
Finished on: 6th April 2020 at 01:00 PM

Chapter notes:
This chapter – and the subsequent "diary chapters" later – contains things that one would put in a private diary. Naturally, then, there are sensitive, intimate, bizarre, doodly, typo-riddled, ungrammatical, meandering, struck-out etc things that readers who peek into it may encounter. (Well, the struck-out part, if the site's formatting would permit it to be shown, really.) The quality of the writing is, moreover, dependent on Steve's ability to capture his experiences with words. To that effect, I did my best to incorporate US spelling set and expressions into it. Please tell me if I missed/mistook something?
Given Steve's predilection to visual arts, sometimes there are also entries that has pictures) on them, or are comprised entirely of picture(s). Such pictures will be described to readers within square brackets (({…}) and given notification that it is a picture, a drawing, a doodle, an imprint of something, etc.
The entries are chronological, with time skips between each that are sadly not so apparent from the titles alone. The contents, however, can go back and forth randomly, depending on Steve's recollection and mood at the time.
Steve is not a prolific writer for several reasons. But a small entry written within the span of weeks, months or even years can fill a very, very thick book when multiplied and accumulated throughout centuries. I planned to make the entries into just one chapter, but thought better of it, thus. And this first part of the diary deals with steve's introduction to his new lease in life. Time skips for the second part and so on. So, enjoy!

Chapter warnings: aftermath of war-time violence, Body Exploration

3. Steve's I, Part 1

Entry 1

Edu gave this journal to me, to record whatever I want and vent. (I guess they're fed up with me questioning things and rambling. Serve them right.) Surprisingly, it's a rather ordinary book, at first glance. It's got lots of pristine white paper and beautiful blue binding. Leather. But then the paper itself feels like thin but durable leather. I hope it's not vellum. I'm mad at Edu right now but sucking up to me won't make me less mad I think. The opposite in fact. I'd better tell them later. They're out hunting right now and I'm here at the camp, the one where they told me what they did to me. The place I woke up in too.

Well I won't even think on it. Not yet at least. It's honestly useless to be mad about. It's already done. things round here are nice though. I'll have to ask them for something to draw with. This strange pen is unwieldy for even sketching. It looks and feels like a sharpened blackened branch but not brittle. The tip doesn't really glide on the paper though it makes for a firm writing. Well I guess I can always just describe this place for posterity. If I ever get to really mingle with people here and find somebody to spend eternity with to validate that claim that is. I can't be with Peggy after all. Damn tessaract. Damn Edu.

–

Entry 2

Edu often calls my nickname for them weird and not the one they prefer. I always tell them I didn't prefer to be changed either. They always shut up after that. It's a low blow but one that I think needs to be said often. They can do this again to another sod. Maybe with someone with family out there instead of someone like me. Fortunate that Peggy and I didn't marry yet. Sad though. I wish.

Anyway, we're moving now, slowly, from the previous camp to rejoin Edu's famly. We walk. Edu said many of the vehicles got trashed in the war (not their words, but the gist) and the remaining vehicles are kept by the government for very important things that need speed. They also said that "miladen" (doubt it's the right spelling) like to do things themselves anyway instead of with tools machinery. I can sort of understand why. There's not much sense of urgency if you live for thousands of years or more and the open air is nice and the ice layer under my bare feet is okay and people here measure things by years instead of seconds anyway.

–

Entry 3

Edu noticed me writing much on this thing. They offered to teach me their script, not just their language. I said maybe later. I don't want to lose this bit of myself. This bit of earth. If I have to live for thousands of years then I have to have something to remember who I was right? And what I was too.

I asked them for coloring pencils or the like instead. They said maybe later. But they said it's not retaliation cause I didn't agree to learn their script. They might have something more important to buy or barter they said. It's post-war after all. Food is primary. Coloring pencils are tertiary or even useless. I forgot about the war. Honestly. Out here there's nothing to indicate that there's a war just before the ruddy stone brought me here.

Damn. I wish I didn't say that out loud. Now Edu's going to bring me to one of the sites. Damn. I don't need it!

–

Entry 4

It's SICKENING. Edu chose it right. They brought me to a school. Or rather the RUINS of a school. There's still CHILDREN under the ruins. We even saw A SMALL HAND peeking from under a BOULDER-SIZED bit. And there's not any resource yet to spare to dig them out. Or try to dig anyway.

The ruin's FLATTENED on the middle like there's a huge hammer banging down on it. A really hot hammer that can make glass out of sand. How can people dig people out of that kind of ruin?

Edu said it's Asgard's doing. I don't know what Asgard is or where but it's SICK. That PLACE is NOT the only one. Not the only school ruins either. Edu's brought me to SO MANY of them. And it's caused by a weapon called the Bifrost they said. A beam of multicolored light that slammed down from the sky. They said the operator of the weapon might be able to see even from that far cause the beam never struck the wasteland. Only populated places. Mostly schools and gatherings. HOMES. VILLAGES. Not even the front-line troops. It's SICK. It's no better than the concentration camps.

I'll tell them about the camps. We can compare notes I guess. Notes of horrible things. But maybe we can prevent things like this in the future.

IT'S CHILDREN. DAMN IT.

–

Entry 5

Having the same hole to pee and poo is weird however long it's been. I'm like a chicken! No actual separate things either! Just one not so smelly (at least at first) dark blue-grey sludge that actually don't freeze quick. And Edu never stops being tickled with how freaked out I am every time. Thankfully it doesn't happen often each day (just about 3 times) and we only eat once a day anyway plus several times eating snow instead of drinking water so there's just little to get out. Edu said milada metabolism is efficient too and nearly everything is used by the body.

But still!

And they said the people here use the thing as vertilizer for people's food plants when it comes the growing seasons. (The "melting seasons" it's called here. Cause the ice melts everywhere and the ground is becomes reachable and workable. Twice a year.) Crime rate is actually low cause people don't want to have to work on preparing this thing as vertilizer as punishment! Before the war at least. Now everything is still broken up Edu said.

–

Entry 6

I met an alive milada other than Edu today. (Here the day is when the moons shines. Not the sun like when I first arrived here. Weird.) But the person might just as well be dead. They're so still and silent and – well they feel dead and it's still kind of disturbing how I can feel people's presences now that Edu changed me.

It's another ruined place Edu brought me to. They said it used to be a big centralized school for further education. A uni in other words. And it's just as flattened as the rest. Edu calls this milada Tio, or maybe Teo. Well something like that. And they'd been staring at one spot in particular when we happened on them. They're more like an ice statue than anything. Edu was so sad when we met them. Said the guys used to be in the same guard unit. Took the petrified one much to move away from there. And we're still in the vicinity however creepy it feels since they still don't want to go away from here. They still don't say anything either but Edu don't have to tell me. I think I know they've lost someone pretty close to them. Like me and Bucky.

I wish I could wait on Bucky like that instead of coming here.

–

Entry 7

Well I'll call the new guy Teo I think. More familiar to me than Tio or Tyo (though the latter's more likely. I got to admit. Based on how Edu said it.) And this morning they cracked up at last. After so long. Though they did consent to leave the vicinity after our sleep got filled with lots of nightmare. (Residue of the horrible feelings lingering there Edu said.) Or at least they didn't mind it when Edu tugged them along. Just not to populated places yet it seems cause they blanched when Edu suggested a few city names around here that I recognize.

Anyway got to admit that I was sort of bickering with Edu. Like Bucky and me used to do. About me getting a proper clothing instead of this measly blanket though instead of who'd get the last serving of the meal. And Teo just – cried. Silently at first. Then big sobs like after I truly realized that Bucky's dead and the nightmares afterwards and the fact that I can't get drunk to try to get rid of the nightmares.

It was quite upsetting. Such a dignified person. Brought so low. I thought the dead one must be their spouse or child.

Well. Turned out it's their firstborn AND their lastborn. Born from their own womb. Together. In the uni that day. Cause the big sibling was trying to keep the littlest one safe. And keep an eye on them. And the big sibling was just a teacher. Not a soldier. Not a politician. Not anybody else important.

Edu told me. After Teo was calmer and somewhat asleep. Cause Teo was babbling in their language. (Haven't learned it yet.) They cried. I cried. Couldn't help it. Can't help it. Better stop now. Too raw Still too raw.

–

Entry 8

Teo cut Edu's blanket into a loincloth. For me. I couldn't help cracking up to that. Edu was so shocked and incensed. Speechless too. I don't know why they'd feel that though. They gave that blanket to me for clothing. Teo is was just kind enough to make it into anything approaching true clothing. Not my fault Edu is so insensible! Glad too that Teo is reaching out. I bet Edu's equally more or less glad too despite all that.

Downside is, now Teo's glued to my side. As if by giving me a loincloth I'm suddenly their kid or something like that. Well Bucky and his family kind of adopted me after Ma died but this is – different. I think. Not gonna tell them to scoot away any time soon though. They're looking more alive now and I'm onestly glad about it.

{Rough, full-body, monochrome sketch of Teo, complete with body markings.}

–

Entry 9

Edu retaliated.

They asked me if now that I'm more accustomed to my own bodily waste and senses and shapes I'm maybe ready for some sex education. (Not their word though.) I nailed their face with a good-sized snowball for that. When they weren't looking.

And Teo laugh. For the first time ever.

Satisfying.

{Sketch of a smiley face with huge comical eyes and tongue sticking out.}

–

Entry 10

Teo gave me half their portion in mealtime.

That sealed it.

I told them I was flattered but they weren't my mom or dad. In my politest way possible. Told them I'm used to small portions anyway after what everybody went through post WW I.

I ended up telling them about everything almost everything. Ma, Bucky, my pre-serum body and life, everything. And they listened. Edu too. And – dunno – but I felt not alone somehow instead of too open.

Huh. So sappy.

I'll bonk anybody with my shield if they ever peek into this thing. Or deny everything. Maybe.

Got to go now. Edu's telling me how to forage for edible plants and small animals. Bet Teo'll be chipping in and make them irritated in some way. That mom can do passive aggressive like nobody's business.

I'll catch them or make them something as thanks. Teo that is.

Satisfying. Really.