Super-Wackos of EVA: NERV Gets Juiced Chapter 1: Prologue, an Evangelion + Beetlejuice Crossover fanfic

*Disclaimer: I own nothing of Gainax or Warner Brothers.*

Prologue: Let's Make a Deal

"I believe in the human race."

An eerie calm rested over a nighttime desert-like landscape, where a conversation was taking place between two people who couldn't be more different. A deal was being negotiated, and the woman proposing it couldn't be more serious than she sincerely presented herself. The woman in question speaking was one Dr. Naoko Akagi, the late former head of Project-E, and mother to its current lead scientist, Ritsuko Akagi.

"Humanity has made as many triumphs as it has tragedies. Most of the time, either involves love. I felt I did right by my daughter as a scientist and a mother; I didn't do enough to raise her right as a woman. I encouraged her in her studies and academic pursuits; I never taught her to choose wisely when it came to matters of the heart. She's found herself in the thrall of the same man who led me to where I am right now. It's even worse than when I was involved with him. The man is sick; there's only ever been one woman who's held his heart, and she's been gone for years; he's willing to do anything, anything to reunite with her. Yet what he's trying to accomplish, thanks in part to the work my daughter is doing for him, will doom humanity as a whole even more than the scenario planned by his superiors. In my current state, I felt there was nothing I could do. In this limbo netherworld, I asked around, went to every spirit guide possible; they all turned me away. Eventually, I found myself with a caseworker, of all people, was given a copy of this Handbook for the Recently Deceased, and was told that for results, I should come to you. Then again, I couldn't tell if the one who told me that was being sarcastic or not."

The man sitting at the rotten mahogany desk, stroking the fur of the zombified cat on his lap, stared at her (semi-lewdly) for a bit before he spoke. He was a very...haggard-looking fellow. Wild, wavy yellow-green hair, pale-white skin, stubble even worse than Ryoji Kaji's, and teeth that looked like they needed an army of dentists. He wore a black-and-white striped suit, an almost pink-ish shirt, and a loose black tie. A manic grin adorned his face, as did wild-looking, baggy yellow eyes. He looked like a used car-salesman that'd been run through a landfill full of old back issues of MAD magazine.

"Why'd you go to those bozos?" he asked. "Why didn't ya come to me first?"

"What do you want of me?" Naoko asked. "Tell me anything, but do what I ask you to do."

"And that'd be?" the man asked. Naoko walked over and, ignoring the man's stench, whispered in his ear as he grinned. She then quickly stepped back, waving away the faint wisp of his odor away from her nose.

"I want him dead," Naoko finished.

The man held his chin, feigning a look of being in deep thought, before he spoke up again as he let the cat scamper away.

"Sorry, toots," he said as he laid his feet on the desk, "but I ain't exactly the 'grim reaping' type, if ya know what I mean."

Naoko looked very surprised at that statement. "But...I was told you're great at 'getting rid' of people. I'll give you anything you ask."

"Listen lady," he began to counter, "I dunno how long you've been dead and all, but there's a few ground rules in these parts regarding what a bio-exorcist does. And dealin' death, even to the bastards that deserve it, ain't one of my duties. 'Sides, killin's never really been my shtick."

"I'm asking you to get me justice for what was done to me and Ritsuko by Gendo Ikari," Naoko insisted.

"You haven't tried haunting him yerself?" the man asked smugly.

"I can't-the supercomputer NERV uses is based on my brain. The MAGI would detect my pattern before I could even get the lay of the land, and they'd even put my soul in an Evangelion-I'd be trapped. I need an outsider for this."

"Look, what yer askin' for ain't justice, but I do like a little vengeance every now and then. Yer kid's still alive, ain't she? A bit of a floozy, but still tickin'. Until that scenario or whatever it is kicks into high gear."

"Fine. I won't ask you to kill him. Perhaps...Make him suffer. Scare him out of his wits. Make him so terrified he'll run out of the Geofront with his tail between his legs. How much is this going to cost me?"

The man then took the form of Marlon Brando (despite retaining his colors) as he got up from the desk and approached her, before he answered Naoko's question.

"We haven't known each other long," he began, "but this is the first time you ever came to me for counsel or for help. I can't remember the last time that you invited me to your house for a cup of coffee, even though my wife is godmother to your only child. But let's be frank here. You never wanted my friendship and, uh, you were afraid to be in my debt."

The latter part confused Naoko a bit. "Uh...godmother?"

The man then switched back to his regular form. "Whoops, uh, wrong script. I'm just sayin' that, if ya came to me in the first place, then the stiff that's ruinin' yer kid would be wettin' every pair of pants he owns right now. But yeah, basically, from the way ya went on about this guy, and all this hoo-hah with the 'Angels' and stuff, sounds like a challenge. Me likey a challenge. So since this is yer first time doin' business with yers truly, I'll let ya have this as a freebie for now. But a lil' warning..." he said before donning a Brando impression again. "Someday, and that day may never come, I'll call upon you to do a service for me. But until that day, accept this mayhem to come as a gift on the day of my daughter's wedding."

"I...didn't know you had a daughter," Naoko wondered.

"NAAAAH, just always wanted to say that line," he said.

"Do we have a deal then?" Naoko asked.

"Weeeellllll..." he meandered, "Ah, hell, why not?" He then held out his hand for her to shake. Naoko eyed it for a moment before taking a surgical glove out of her lab coat's pocket [how she managed to take anything with her, we have no idea], slipping it on, and then shaking his hand.

Beetlejuice smiled as they shook, and then handed her a card. She took it apprehensively, eyeing it with suspicion.

"What's this?" she asked.

"My punch card," Beetlejuice replied. "Get that punched nine more times, and ya get a free sub. Unused since the Cold War."

Naoko looked at him dumbfounded before tucking the card into her pocket. "So, what's your first move?"

Beetlejuice let a mischievous grin adorn his face before he answered. "First thing's first, we're gonna pay a visit to the bastard's favorite toy aside from yer kid."

He snapped his fingers, and soon the two of them left the netherworld 'office'.

Rei Ayanami's apartment...

The two of them appeared in the decrepit apartment dwelling of Rei Ayanami, the First Child and pilot of Evangelion Unit-00. Naoko grew upset at this; an earlier version of Rei was the instrument of Gendo's that led to her own demise. Rei herself was present in the dwelling, and immediately turned to see the two newcomers in her home. Her eyes went wide when she recognized Naoko.

"H-how? You are dead," Rei wondered.

"What are we doing here, Beetlejuice?" Naoko asked, derision in her voice.

"I like to make sure I got plenty o' aces up my sleeve," he replied, "so I'm gonna need a lil' helper monkey to cause a lil' mischief around NERV HQ to supplement my usual bag o' tricks. A partner-in-crime, with a hint of poetic irony if ya will."

Beetlejuice then walked up to the wary Rei and proceeded to cartoonishly open up her skullcap like a pickle jar lid. He then took a look inside the Angel/human hybrid clone's head to see what made her tick (or didn't).

"Aaaaahhhh, I see the problem," Beetlejuice said, "looks like someone forgot to turn on yer funny bone." Naoko looked inside to where he was pointing, and sure enough there was something that looked like a light switch labeled 'Funny Bone'. It was currently on the 'off' setting.

"Gee, I wonder what'll happen if I flip this on..." Beetlejuice sarcastically mused as he flipped it.

As soon as he did, he screwed Rei's skullcap back on and he and Naoko stepped back. Rei twitched for a second, then convulsed, uttering all sorts of unintelligible nonsense as she jumped all over the place before twirling like a mini-tornado, before finally collapsing onto her bed.

"...WHAT did you just do?" Naoko worriedly asked.

"Gave back the little missy something she needed more than a life," Beetlejuice replied, "a sense of humor. How're ya feelin', kid?"

There was a pause, until Rei quickly jumped back up and lifted her head. A very mischievous smile now adorned her face, like she was ready to give the world hell.

"...Ssssssssssmokin'!" Rei hissed with newfound glee in her voice.

"Whoa there, kid-dial it back a bit," Beetlejuice said, "ya wanna get sued?"

"Gotcha," Rei replied, straightening herself.

Beetlejuice then clapped his hands together before he spoke again. "All right ladies, here's what we're gonna do first..." He then started explaining the outline of his 7-step plan for scaring Gendo Ikari into a witless stupor...

NERV HQ, the Geofront, the next day...

Everyone was going about their business as usual, a sync test with all three pilots. Of course, everyone was unaware of the recent change in Rei, who cleverly hid this all from them, waiting for Beetlejuice's signal whenever he needed her to cause a little macabre mischief; for today though, Beetlejuice was just giving Naoko a little 'sneak preview' of what was to come from the job she hired him for. Misato, Ritsuko, Gendo, and Sub-commander Fuyutsuki were all present for the tests today, as they observed the progress from behind the glass of the pribnow box.

"We're just about done here, guys," Misato assured as she spoke into the mic to the pilots.

"Great," Asuka intoned sarcastically, "any longer and I'll start feeling like the grape in a thing of Jell-O."

"Comes with the territory, Asuka," Ritsuko mentioned. "Tedium's the usual order of the day without any Angel attacks."

Suddenly, said tedium was broken when Shinji noticed an odd, faint sound coming from out of nowhere.

"Hey, does anyone hear that?" Shinji asked as he looked around. The sound soon started to get louder.

"Yeah, now that you mention it," Misato said, "almost sounds like..."

"Drums?" Ritsuko asked suspiciously.

Soon the drums grew louder, until finally a new sound joined them.

"DAAAAAYYYYY-O!" Makoto uttered loudly, in a voice not his own (more like something...Belafonte-an), which he noticed with alarm.

"DAAAAYYYYY-O!" Maya intoned next, shocked as she nearly grasped her throat. Everyone around her looked on astonished, like she'd grown a second head.

"Daylight come and me wan' go home," Shigeru intoned third, eyes wide as saucers as he looked down at his own mouth. Some unseen force then made all three stand up suddenly as if possessed, making them get into the beginnings of a Calypso-like dance.

Makoto: "DAY!"

Maya: "Me say day, me say day, me say daaaayyy-ooo!"

Shigeru: "Daylight come and me wan' go home..."

All eyes in the pribnow box and in the EVA's (save for Rei's) were gobsmacked by what they were seeing. Things only got weirder from there.

"Work all night on a drink of rum!" sang a now-possessed Misato as she started swaying to the drum beat with a horrified look on her face.

"Daylight come and me wan' go home" sang the possessed and equally-terrified bridge techs as they joined her in movement.

"Stack banana 'til de mornin' come!" Misato continued as her arms picked up an empty waste basket that she started playing like a small drum.