My head hurt.

So did my chest. And my arms, too. And my legs… actually, I think my everything hurt.

Why did my everything hurt?

And for that matter, why was I lying on the ground and not in my bed? Why was I outside, next to a huge white building? Why was I even out of my room in the first place?

What the hell happened last night?

Rubbing my eyes to clear away any lingering tiredness, I managed to get my feet under me and rise up on unsteady legs. Spotting a convenient bench nearby, I stumbled over to it, nearly falling to the ground a few times in the process.

Everything still hurt. Why?

Collapsing onto vanilla bench wood, I rested my forehead in my hands and my elbows on my upper legs, and began to think.

How did I get here? Why was every inch of my body in pain? Where was I in the first place?

Lifting my eyes up, I decided that a quick scan of my surroundings would probably be a smart course of action. And as it turns out, that ended up being a pretty good idea.

Because it made me realize that none of the signs displayed around here were in English. Instead, smooth, mechanical strokes indicating digitally-produced Japanese text was what all of the tiny, single-subject information boards displayed.

That fact alone was enough cause to let out a small "oh, shit."

But with that done, I decided it was probably time to turn my attention to myself, to make sure nothing else was wrong.

Okay… black zip-up hoodie, good, at least I still have that. Black shoes, classic white socks, good. Not having foot protection would be a real pain. On that note, black sweatpants, great, check those off the list. Uhhh… alright, black shirt under the hoodie, so I'm good on casual wear.

I then noticed that yes, something was, in fact different,

...hold up, wait. Is… is my chest larger than normal? Yeah, it definitely is. And why can't I feel my…

I felt one of my hands drift down towards my pelvic regions, before it froze when I began connecting the dots.

Oh. I think I'm starting to understand what's going on here.

I probably would have started trying to repress a freakout right then and there, if my jittery motions hadn't notified me that I also had a few things in my pants pockets. In my left…

Hey, it's my phone! That's… sort of a relief? Assuming someplace around here has an unlocked router, I can probably use google maps or something to find out where I ended up. If it actually works, that is.

In my right, however…

A folded piece of paper?

It looked pretty unprofessional - the paper itself seemed to be a standard issue 8.5" by 11" white sheet, folded in half twice to make it more compact. Nothing was written on the outside, so I decided to open it up to see if there was anything useful inside. And what I found…

Hello. I'm sure you have a lot of questions at the moment, but I don't have much space on this sheet, so I won't be able to answer all of them. Rest assured, though, despite what you may think, I'm here to help.

Well, okay, Mysterious Benefactor. Asking me to trust you like that without even knowing who you are is a bit much, but I'll bear with it.

First up - where you are. You've probably noticed that you're not in California anymore, huh? Allow me to clear things up for you. If nothing has gone wrong by this point, you're probably reading this letter on May 16th, 2046, right next to Mitakihara City's General Hospital.

The last line stopped me cold.

...wait, run that by me again. Mitakihara City? They don't possibly mean that Mitakihara, do they?

And just in case you're not sure of the implications of that - which I can understand - then yes, you're in THAT Mitakihara City. Right at the beginning of a certain person's time loop, actually. Speaking of which, keep an eye on the front door. She'll probably be coming out soon.

My urge to freak out was once again overpowered by my curiosity, and I chanced a look at the entrance to the hospital. And as if on cue, a girl with long, silky black hair, purple eyes, and the expression of a total hardass on her face walked through the door, her driven stride indicating that she had a purpose and knew it.

...that was impeccably timed. But hel-looo anyway, Hameru.

I unconsciously snickered a little when that nickname brought up memories of a certain parody series.

Ah, 4chan humor. What a wonderful distraction from my crumbling worldview. Not to mention sanity.

That was enough sidetracking, though. Back to the letter.

You may also be wondering 'why?' to a lot of things. Concerning the reasons you were brought here, all I can really say is that it was random chance. Of course, whether or not said 'random chance' was rigged is another matter altogether.

That's… not very comforting. If it was rigged, then, well, I'm flattered, but... why me, of all people? Why not any other person that's better than me? Seriously, around seven billion humans to choose from, and you pick the high-functioning autistic 17-year-old nerd who may or may not have ADHD? What the fuck were they thinking?

As for the sudden sex swap, that was justified with the argument of 'giving you more options,' so to speak.

Okay, I can understand that. Can't exactly do much in this world if you're not a girl, if you catch my drift. But… what am I actually supposed to do here?

And now for the million-dollar question - why you're here at all. There's really no easy way to say this, so I'm just going to give it to you straight.

I involuntarily gulped, and took a deep breath to prepare myself for what I dreaded would be my death sentence.

You've been tasked with completing a perfect, no-deaths run of 'Timeline 5,' a.k.a. the main Madoka Magica story. Failure to do so will result in your existence across the multiverse being erased entirely. Before you ask, that also means you won't be able to return home. You know what that means, right?

My eyes widened.

Oh…

My hands began to shake a little more.

Oh, shit.

I felt myself break out into a cold sweat.

Failure means… oh, damn. I guess I better give this my actual best, otherwise… ooohh, mom and dad are gonna be pissed that they spent all that money for nothing. Not to mention all the game releases I'll never get to experience if I do bite the dust. I'd find a way to bring myself back just to erase myself again if I ended up missing those because of some stupid mistake. Jesus… whoever did this really knows how to motivate a guy, huh?

Assuming you haven't snapped yet (good on you if so), you're likely thinking that you need some help. While I can't give you any in the traditional sense, I can tell you that Kyubey's probably your best bet, loathe as I am to say that. But for now, you've got more immediate things to worry about, like a place to stay. Thankfully, that's one of the few areas your 'boss' has decided to help you out with. Use what you can to find your way to the address below - it's not much, but what you need is a safe place to sleep in, not a pad full of swag, so you'll just have to deal with it.

I made sure to take note of the address, and reminded myself not to burn the letter until I reached the spot.

By the way, something else you should know - while I can confirm that most of the side-story content is intact in this timeline, the chances of it actually interfering with your efforts are so astronomically low that they might as well be considered zero. Rest assured, you won't have to deal with Oriko or anything concerning Kamihama City in general. While I'm on that, you'll likely be happy to know that you're only here for the show's timeline. Anything past that - like Rebellion, if it could even still happen at the end of whatever new sequence of events you create - is something that you won't have to deal with, because by that point you'll either be wiped from existence, or back home.

I unconsciously let out a relieved breath.

I didn't know I needed to hear that, but now that I have, god damn is that a load off my shoulders. Silver lining, I don't have to worry about things I haven't seen or read up on!

Oh, before I run out of space, I should probably tell you this.

Your name is Audrey Erryn. As of two days ago, your parents have been occupied with work-related matters, and all signs point to that occupation lasting for at least another month. You've been hit hard with a bad case of senioritis, and have gone on a personal 'vacation' to Japan to clear your head and regain your motivation. You arrived yesterday and have already set yourself up at your designated hotel. You did take a few Japanese classes, but have mostly forgotten the material, and have taken a handy-dandy (albeit old-fashioned by today's standards) translation book along with you to help out - although you forgot it at your hotel when you left earlier, along with your wallet. Your parents also managed to hook you up with a limited-time phone plan that gives you unlimited mobile data for two months.

I closed my eyes, tilted my head up, and pulled as much of a satisfied fist-pump as my fracturing emotional state would allow.

Thank Godoka, I actually exist here! That's gonna let me bypass so much easily-avoidable shit. Even better, they already came up with a Rule 63 name for me, so props for that. Plus some other quality-of-life features, woo! Feeling pretty good about the fact that I'm not starting from square zero… like a certain other isekai protagonist. I did leave some stuff behind, but that's practically par for the course with a memory as crapshooty as mine.

I'd love to tell you more, but that seems to be all I have room for. Sorry about that.

Good luck, Audrey. And never forget:

Being meguca is suffering.

Despite myself, I stifled a short laugh.

Wouldn't have it any other way, bro.

With its usefulness mostly expired, I folded the paper back up and returned it to my pocket.

Then my head fell back into my hands as the weight of the undertaking I was just forced into actually hit me.

Oh, jeez… I can already tell this is gonna go to hell in a handbasket real fast. What to do…

I stood up after a while, the shaking having died down to the point that I experienced minimal difficulty doing so.

Okay. First task, find my hotel. After that… big 300-IQ brainstorm time.

I pulled my phone back out, quickly navigating through a familiar interface and punching in the address of my future residence in no time at all. It wasn't too far - if I moved quickly, I could get there in around half an hour. With my destination set and a route calculated, I set off.

I don't have the slightest idea of why it was me that they brought here, or what the hell I'm gonna do to fix this mess… but I've got no choice.

My empty hand balled itself up, and my eyes narrowed.

I've only got one shot at this, and it's do or die. Right now, I have nothing to lose, and everything to gain. So you know what? Game on, Brazilian Night. Let's see if you can handle the full force of my nerd rage.

A/N: For those of you wondering where I've been these last few months... well, this isn't quite it, but it counts for one of them.

In any case, hello. I got the idea for this story about a month ago, around when I first started playing Magia Record. From the limited experience I've had with this fandom, it seems that it's not really a stranger to the Self-Insert genre, but it is a bit of a stranger to one that's also a gender-bender. So I went 'hey, why not? It might be just what I need to replenish my motivation to work on my other stories.' Then it spiraled wildly out of control, and suddenly I found myself over 15,000 words deep into a project that was never meant to get this big over the course of thirty days. So then I just thought 'well, hell, I've done this much, might as well go all-in,' and here we are at the introductory chapter of 'Diversis Mundi Magia Actum,' Latin for 'Different World Magic Chronicles' (or technically 'Acts,' but there's not really a word in the Latin dictionary that directly translates to 'Chronicles,' so I had to settle for this). Truthfully speaking, it was probably a mistake to use a title produced by google translate, but I'm not very well-versed in Latin myself, so sue me.

Anyway, there you have it. I have a rough timeline of events for this whole organized mess, but it's very subject to change, so I can guarantee that there will be at least one unexpected occurrence on both sides before the ride's over.

And with that said, I'll now take my leave. Feedback of all kinds is appreciated, and if you have any issues with anything, feel free to let me know (as long as it's not 'self-insert, reeee!' or some other silly and purely subjective complaint).

See y'all in chapter 2!