"Alright, listen up, everybody! Today, we'll be getting a new transfer student! I hope you'll all get along with her!"
The words barely registered in my mind. A transfer student? At this time of year, at this time of day, in this part of Chiba, localized entirely within Class 2-F?
"Yes, Hikigaya. That is the case," deadpanned Hiratsuka-sensei. Damn, I must have spoken my thoughts aloud again!
Oh, well. It's not like a loner like me is going to be interacting much with whoever she is, so I just decided to go back to sle-
The classroom door suddenly opened, and in walked the new girl.
My eyes widened in shock. Mouth agape, I pointed a finger at the newcomer.
"Y-you…what are you doing here?"
"Huh? I just transferred here today. What are you talking about?" she quizzically replied.
I must have been dreaming, because the transfer student was none other than the devil woman herself, Yukinoshita Haruno.
"…and so, starting today, she will be a part of Class 2-F! Do you want to give a short introduction about yourself, Yukinoshita-san?"
"Please, call me Haruno. It might get confusing if both me and my sister are referred to as 'Yukinoshita' all the time." So it is the same Yukinoshita Haruno. OK, almost the same, as it appears her…chest region is slightly smaller than usual. But then why did she act like we were complete strangers?
I raised my hand, hoping to confirm my suspicions. "By 'sister', are you referring to Class 2-J's Yukinoshita Yukino?"
"Oh! So you already know my twin sister then! I was wondering why I didn't see her here today!"
Wait, something else wasn't adding up. Haruno was always known to be the superior sister, academics included. Why wasn't she also placed into Class 2-J with the other overachievers? Furthermore, I distinctly recall there was an age gap of two or three years, meaning that they couldn't possibly be considered twins. And if anyone else in this room should have known that, it would have been Hiratsuka-sensei and Hayama Hayato.
So why was everyone else treating this as a regular transfer student event? Was it all a giant prank that they were all in on? Was I the sole punchline?
Tobe had a question for Haruno. "Do you currently have a boyfriend?" Of course, I expected nothing less from you, Tobe. Way to meet my lowered expectations, dudebro.
Haruno giggled, then replied, "No, I do not. But from what my sister tells me, there is someone very interesting that I'd like to meet." Don't give fools like Tobe false hope like that; it's obvious that you'd never even consider him for a second!
Miura was next. "If you and Yukinoshita are twin sisters, why didn't you both enroll in Soubu together? Why transfer here now, during the second year?"
"Good question! I was actually studying abroad last year, but missed my sister dearly and convinced my family that I wanted to come back to Japan to be with her more!"
Well, that explains her abse- THAT DOESN'T EXPLAIN ANYTHING! This entire situation doesn't make sense!
I glanced over at Hayama, hoping to catch him deep in thought, trying to make heads or tails of this, just like me. Instead, he had a slightly longing gaze, because of course he would be elated that Haruno was now in the same class as him, completely ignoring the illogical incongruity of it all.
"Well, it looks like there's a seat open in the back, so please sit down and we can begin the lessons," instructed Hiratsuka-sensei, not at all perturbed by Haruno's reappearance.
"OK, sensei!" replied Haruno. Hey, wait, that empty seat is the one right next to mine!
Haruno sat down and turned to me. "I hope we can get along. Please take care of me."
Not wanting to appear impolite in front of literally the entire class, I responded, "Same here. I hope we get along." The irony of me saying this, to Haruno of all people.
To my amusement, I noticed Hayama grimace slightly, perhaps unable to contain his jealousy over something as minor as a coincidental seating arrangement. Look, I don't want this arrangement either, so that makes two of us.
I also felt a pair of eyes boring a hole into my back. Oh, right. Must be Yuigahama. I do recall that she and Haruno were not as close as say, Yuigahama and Yukinoshita Yukino. Perhaps she didn't like me fraternizing with the so-called 'enemy'?
The rest of the morning lesson proceeded without incident, but my mind was filled with endless theories and doubts. I even pinched myself several times, with increasing intensity, just to make sure I wasn't dreaming. The pain receptors in my body indicated that, no, unless I was in a lucid dream, this was somehow real.
But this was no dream; it was a nightmare. Yukinoshita Haruno would now be able to torment me more frequently without needing to make it seem like a contrived coincidence.
Lunchtime finally arrived, and not a moment too soon. I was ready to hightail it out of the classroom to my usual spot when I felt my arm snag on something.
Or rather, something snagged my arm. Yuigahama wasn't known to physically prevent me from leaving, so it must have been the new student, Haruno herself. But as far as today went, we were complete strangers, so there shouldn't have been any reason she would want me to stay.
"Hikigaya, could you accompany me to Yukino's classroom, if you don't mind?" Well, I actually do mind, quite a lot, in fact. "I'm still getting used to my surroundings, so it would be a great help if you could give me a tour of the school."
Hayama continued to steam in his seat, but for some reason, only I noticed it, as usual.
That was what I thought, anyways, until I realized Haruno was grinning like the Cheshire Cat; did she have eyes in the back of her head, or was her intention to simultaneously mess with me and Hayama?
Trying to free my arm, but unable to break her monstrous grip strength, I relented. "OK, but can we make this quick? Lunch break doesn't last forever, you know."
"Hikki, I'll join you two!" chimed in Yuigahama, unhelpfully. Great, once she started chatting with Yukino, I'd feel bad if I left them behind to go fill up my stomach. Well, it would be more accurate to say that the duo would chastise me during club hours for leaving them behind.
Hey, I can't help it if a primal instinct such as hunger takes priority over listening to inane gossip!
"Fine, let's get going already, then." I shuffled out of the classroom, the two girls in tow. Hayama almost made a motion to get up and follow us, but Haruno shot him a withering glare that kept him frozen in place.
Good god, he's whipped to this extent and he's not even dating Haruno!
A brisk walk later, the three of us, that is Haruno, Yuigahama, and I, arrived at the door of Class 2-J. Haruno peeked her head in and called out for her sister. Slightly embarrassed, Yukino emerged from the classroom, hissing at Haruno for making a scene. Haruno simply laughed it off, as expected, telling Yukino to relax more.
She then held up her bento, asking, "Why don't we all have lunch together, now that we're gathered here?" Somehow, I hadn't noticed that both Haruno and Yuigahama had brought their lunches along with them on our trek. Especially Yuigahama, given her usual lack of thinking ahead and, well, thinking in general.
"Mou, Hikki!" She playfully pounded her fists against my shoulder. "You're making fun of me again, aren't you?" What the hell? Are all the women here psychic on occasion? It was bad enough that Hiratsuka-sensei possessed that chuuni ability!
"Well, enjoy your lunch, ladies." I turned, ready to head to the cafeteria to pick up a yakisoba bread and a can of MAX coffee from the vending machine.
For the second time today, I was halted in place.
"And just where do you think you're going, Hikigaya?" Haruno again. Of course.
Slowly, I turned my head to face her, my body still pointing in the direction away from them. "I'm going to buy lunch. As you can see, I did not prepare a bento today." I gestured to my empty hands to emphasize my point. "Now, if you'll excuse me, my stomach is calling."
"My, my, Hiki-rude-kun. My dear sister is inviting you to have lunch with us, and you're refusing?" What? Your 'dear' sister? From what I remember, you two are nowhere near that close! "Besides, if your concern is insufficient rations, I can assure you that between the two of us, there is plenty to go around."
"Um, Yukinon, don't you mean 'three'?"
"…As I said, between the two of us, do not worry that your gluttony will leave none for the rest of us." Yukinoshita had also experienced the horrible cooking disasters created by Yuigahama. Even though Yuigahama's mother may have prepared her bento today, we weren't going to take that risk.
"Please, Hikigaya? It's the least I can do to thank you for leading me here." It's just one lunch period, me, I'm not going to be doing this again. It can't be that bad.
Spoilers: it was pretty terrible for a loner like myself.
Surrounded by three of the school's top beauties, the stifling atmosphere was worsened by the fact the Class 2-J was overwhelmingly female, maybe 80%-90%. What few guys there were constantly shot me envious and jealous looks the entire time we were eating and chatting. Well, I was simply eating, as I felt no need to engage in mindless conversation with anyone. Don't they know it's rude to eat and talk at the same time?
And that's not even mentioning the times Haruno tried to feed me! In doing so, for some inexplicable reason, Yukino and Yuigahama followed her example, leading to dozens of students staring at me uncomfortably. The guys (and some girls, possibly) were glaring daggers, there were not-well-concealed whispers questioning my sexuality, and someone even accused me of being a riajuu.
Me! The King of Loners! Accused of being a riajuu!
If irony was a heated knife, it could cut through a tank right now.
Speaking of knives, I don't know how, but Yuigahama managed to screw up those octopus hot dogs somehow; it was as if the damned things were made of rubber and not fit for human consumption. Maybe they were meant to be Sable's new chew toy and somehow got mixed in?
Glancing up at the wall-mounted clock, I noted that we had less than ten minutes left before the next period started. "Well, I'd love to stay and chat some more, but we really should be heading back to our classroom." I made no effort to hide my sarcasm, as two-thirds of my one-time lunchtime companions were well aware of my tendency to not engage whenever unnecessary.
"What a shame; I wanted to get to know you better over lunch, Hikigaya." Too bad the feeling isn't mutual, Haruno. "Oh, by the way, Yukino, do you want to come shopping with me after school? I'm still short a few supplies, and you know the area better than I do."
"Nee-san," Yukino began, "Maybe another day. I wouldn't want to give Hiki-lazy-kun a convenient excuse to skip out on club activities."
"Tch. You'd go so far as to forgo spending time with close family just to spite me? I'd expect nothing less from you, Ice Queen Yukinoshita."
"Ara? Who said anything about not spending time with my dear sister?"
"Does that mean…?" My eyes, dead as they usually are, lit up. Not literally, mind you.
"Indeed. Nee-san, you are welcome to join us in the Service Club today." My face fell, hopes crushed. There's no escape!
"That sounds like a great idea, Yukinon! Maybe once Haruno sees what we do there, she'll want to join, too!" Yuigahama, I get that you're a social butterfly, but you really don't want Haruno to be hanging out with us all the time. Don't you already feel overwhelmed by what Yukino and I discuss going over your head on a regular basis? And now you want to invite another Yukinoshita?
Hopefully, today would be a typical slow day in the Service Club and, Haruno being Haruno, would get bored and decide to not join after all.
Once is a happenstance. Twice is coincidence. Three times is a pattern. [1]
Was the universe out to prove a point to me today? Was I supposed to be using reverse psychology, like not wanting a Cloudy Moonshard in order to get one? [2] Because so far, everything was going the opposite of how I had wanted things to go.
So far, in the first hour of club, we had three requests, more than the entirety of last week! Granted, these were simpler ones, such as study tips and how to get senpai to notice you, so it didn't require much effort on my part.
But unlike last week, Haruno was here today. If the student body knew she was hanging out at the Service Club, we'd probably have a long line stretching the entire hallway length and then some.
The door suddenly slammed open. Ah, right on time, Isshiki.
"Isshiki, how many times have we reminded you to gently knock before entering?" Yukino had probably asked that of Isshiki at least thirty or forty times by now. All of us had gotten used to it, though, seeing as how none of us regulars were fazed in the least.
Haruno, surprisingly, also managed to keep her composure, despite this supposedly being the first time witnessing Isshiki making a dynamic entry.
Noticing the newcomer, the Student Council President introduced herself. "Welcome to the Service Club; I'm Isshiki Iroha, StuCo President." Don't make it sound like you're a legitimate member of the Service Club.
"Yukinoshita Haruno. I'm Yukino's older twin sister." They shook hands, while Isshiki slyly eyed the respective chests of each sister.
I mean, I wasn't transfixed upon a certain body part or anything. What are you implying?
"I just transferred here; today is my first day at Soubu," said Haruno.
"So, what is your first impression of the school, Haruno-senpai?" Oh, right. Even though Haruno had been mysteriously de-aged, she was still older than Isshiki.
"It's certainly got a different feel compared to the high school in America. But only Soubu has my dear sister, Yukino!" At that, Haruno glomped onto her younger sister, an action previously monopolized by Yurigahama. I could even feel a bit of jealousy emanating from the pink-haired girl.
"And what do you think about Senpai here?" Isshiki gestured in my direction, a smirk plastered on her face.
"'Senpai'? Are you talking about Hikigaya?" I always wondered why Isshiki never referred to me using the more appropriate 'Hikigaya-senpai'. It would cut down on confusion immensely, you knoooooooow?
"That's right!" Why do you look so proud of yourself, Isshiki? There was little to no chance that Haruno would have failed to pick up on your obvious hints that you were referring to me.
"Hikigaya, is it OK for me to be honest with you?"
"I don't really care either way. I've probably heard it all before, anyways. But I guess brutal honesty would be preferred." I already had a pretty good idea of what she was going to say, based on historical records.
"You're quite an interesting fellow, Hikigaya. While most guys would try to use a cheesy pickup line like, 'Have we met before?' you instead gave off a panicked air, like you would rather not be anywhere near me." It's the truth, what can I say? "Too bad for you, you're stuck with me for the near future!"
Oi, oi, don't make it sound so ominous.
"Yeah, Hikki. What was up with that? It seemed like you really did recognize her from somewhere."
"Oh? Have you devolved to Hiki-stalker-kun now? I'd say I'm disappointed, but my dear sister has dealt with your kind before and is quite versed at 'resolving' these sorts of things."
Never underestimate the Yukinoshita family connections.
"Ehhhh? Senpai, don't tell me you saw her one day and fell in love with her at first sight?"
"Don't be ridiculous, Isshiki." Brushing off her delusions, I continued. "Haruno simply reminded me of someone I once knew, nothing more, nothing less."
"Really? Do tell me more, Hikigaya. What was 'she' like?" Crap, if this version of Haruno isn't already like the original Haruno, I'd just be filling her head with ideas. Think, Hachiman, think!
"She was a teasing onee-san type of woman." Deliberately vague, so far so good. "Personally, I think she was just looking for a way to pass the time."
"So what happened? You make it sound like she's no longer in your life, Senpai." Sorry to tell you, Isshiki, but she is literally in the same room as you right now.
"I guess she found someone else who caught her interest and moved on." If only that were the case. "It's all in the past, anyways."
"Hmmmm…" Haruno was thinking about something, probably detrimental to my psychological well-being, if my guess was correct. "Did your heart skip a beat when I walked into the room today, then? Like seeing a ghost from your past?"
"If you're implying I harbored a crush on this person, you're way off base. But yes, I did do a double take." I had to nip that line of questioning in the bud.
It was only then that I noticed it was nearly time to close up for today. The sun had begun to set, casting a faded glow on the occupants of the room.
"Yukinoshita."
"Yes, Hikigaya?" "Yes, Hikigaya-kun?"
I had briefly forgotten that both sisters answered to their family name. "Sorry, I meant Yukino. I'll return the key to Hiratsuka-sensei. Why don't you and your sister leave ahead of me, spend some time catching up? I'm sure you have much more to talk about." And this way, I could at least be free of Haruno slightly earlier.
"My, how unusual of you to voluntarily take on more work, Mr. 'To-Work-Is-To-Lose'. But I will graciously accept your offer, so here you go." She handed me the room key and began packing her things.
Yuigahama glanced back and forth between me and the Yukinoshita sisters, at a loss.
"It's alright, Yuigahama, I can handle this by myself. You can go with them if they don't mind." Seriously, you're not a dog and I'm not your master; you don't need to seek my permission for something like this.
"Well, then, see you tomorrow, Hikigaya-kun."
"Bye-bye, Hikki!"
"Goodbye, Hikigaya."
"Later, Senpai!"
The four girls shuffled out of the club room, leaving me to my own devices. I took a few moments to process the absolute weirdness of the day, trying to convince myself that I was dreaming, despite evidence to the contrary.
At least Isshiki didn't dump any more Student Council work on me today, so Haruno's presence came with a silver lining after all.
I woke up the next morning, fully expecting things to return to normal, and that the previous day was a stress-induced hallucination. Maybe Yuigahama or Yukinoshita would tell me that I was muttering 'Haruno' over and over, call me creepy, and club would continue on as usual.
My hopes were dashed when I walked into the classroom and saw Yukinoshita Haruno already in her seat next to mine.
"Good morning, Hikigaya!" No, Haruno, it is most certainly not a 'good' morning. What the hell is going on? "Did you bring a lunch today?"
"Yes," I lied. "In fact, I already made plans to eat with other classmates." No such agreement ever passed my lips, but Haruno didn't need to know that. I didn't want to go through that uncomfortable experience again.
"Really? What a shame. I even made my signature pork stew today! I was hoping to get your opinion on it."
Don't be swayed by the promise of free food, me. Remember, this is Haruno we're dealing with. She may not be as manipulative now, but giving her any control over you is just asking for trouble!
"Sorry, maybe some other time, Haruno." More like never, but 'maybe' can technically also mean 'never', so I'm not exactly lying.
"Alright, then. Your loss, Hikigaya. I'll have you know Yukino always looks forward to it." Was she still trying to coax me into joining them for lunch? Hah! That's not going to work on me, King of Loners! You'll have to do better tha-
Holy Snickers that smells incredible.
No, wait! That's cheating, cracking open your bento box to let me catch a whiff of that delectable meal hidden inside! Dammit, now I won't be able to concentrate in class at all!
"Well? Changed your mind yet? The offer still stands, Hikigaya."
Must…not…succumb…must…resist...temptation!
Spoiler alert: I gave in. My stomach was stronger than my willpower.
"Joining us again, Hikigaya-kun? Are we finally beginning to see progress in your social abilities?" Yukino, never one to let an opportunity to mock me pass her by, was more surprised than her even tone let on.
I'm not exactly pleased with myself, either. All around me, I could feel the animosity of the 2-J students. To think I exchanged my values and virtues for a home-cooked meal. At this rate, I'll be disqualified from being a loner. Then I'd have to—gasp!—join society as a normie!
Screw that!
"Didn't you say you brought a lunch? And that you already made plans, Hikigaya?" Haruno was suspicious of me from the start, wasn't she? There was no reason for her to drag me away from my (non-existent) lunch compatriot, was there?
"S-something suddenly came up with him. And I distinctly remember making a bento, but I guess I was in too much of a rush this morning and left it on the kitchen counter." Thankfully, she didn't press any further, but I got the impression that she wasn't fully convinced.
While we were eating (her pork stew really hit the spot, so she wasn't exaggerating), something else was eating away at me. This whole situation was real, and yet it didn't feel right somehow. Could my memories have been faulty? Did I imagine an older Yukinoshita Haruno out of thin air, and was I the only one to have interacted with that version of Haruno? I refused to believe it. If I couldn't trust my own brain, who could I trust?
There were two others who should be familiar with Haruno, but I'd rather gag on tomatoes than go to Hayama for help. Especially since it concerned Haruno.
That left only Hiratsuka-sensei. I'd speak to her after school before heading to club.
"Yukino, Yuigahama, I'm going to discuss some things with Hiratsuka-sensei later today. I'll be late to club activities." Might as well inform these two now, while it's still fresh on my mind.
"I hope you didn't write some nonsense in your essays again, Hikigaya-kun. Eventually, she may come to view you as a lost cause."
"Isn't that putting it way too harshly? If I really was beyond saving, I'd never have been forced to join in the first place, remember?"
"Considering that you spend more time under my observation in the club than she does while teaching, I fully believe myself to be better suited to judge your character." Great, her unwarranted superiority is soaring high today.
"I thought you were always reading your books, Yukino. Could it be that you're the real danger to my chastity?" Hachiman, 1. Yukino, way too many to count.
"Don't be mistaken, Hiki-subject-kun. You are merely a point of reference for other boys on how not to act around girls. If they can learn from your pratfalls, the time I have spent will not be in vain." Aaaand another point in Yukino's column.
"Are you two always like this?" asked Haruno.
"Yep," answered Yuigahama, the one person the question was not addressed to. "They remind me of an old married couple sometimes."
Yukino blushed, while I responded, "If any couple argued as much as we do, they'd have divorced a long time ago."
"…Fascinating." I'm not sure what Haruno intended to do with this information, but it was less important than filling my stomach at the moment.
If I had been paying more attention to my surroundings, I would have noticed a mop of blond hair peeking at us from a distance, gnashing his teeth.
As soon as classes ended, I approached Hiratsuka-sensei's desk.
"Do you have a moment, sensei? I'd like to ask for your help with a few things."
"Look at you, Hikigaya-kun; taking the initiative like a real man. Just give me a few minutes, then meet me in my office." Was it my imagination, or was there a picosecond where Hiratsuka-sensei's eyes looked like a hunter stalking prey?
…Nah, couldn't be. Like this whole Haruno incident, I must have been seeing things.
I was about to make my way to her office when I felt a hand on my shoulder.
Who is it this time?
Turning my head slowly, I came face-to-face with the riajuu King himself, Hayama Hayato.
"What do you want, Hayama? You'd better remove your hand before Ebina passes out from another BL fantasy." It was unfortunate that Hayama and I were forever victims of her obscene delusions.
He promptly yanked his hand away, not wanting to deal with Ebina's nosebleeds either. "I need to talk to you. I promise it won't take much of your time, Hikitani." Bastard, I know that you know that I know that you know my real name.
"Fine, but make it quick. Sensei is waiting for me as well."
"Let's go to the rooftop, then. It's easier to talk in private there." I could already see where this was going. Other than the rooftop, since he just told me we were literally heading there.
We didn't even make it to the door when Hayama roughly grabbed my shirt and slammed me against the wall. Shit! Is one of Ebina's deepest wishes about to come true? Why couldn't it have been Totsuka instead?
"What. The. Fuck. Does. She. See. In. You." He was seething, no longer wearing his perfect mask. I already expected this encounter. Ever since Haruno sat down next to me yesterday, it was obvious that Hayama was going to confront me sooner or later.
Honestly, I was banking on tomorrow, after spending more time with Haruno, during class, lunch and in the Service Club. Should have let that rage fester longer, Hayama. Then I'd really get to see a show, up close and personal.
Holding my hands up in mock confusion, I stated, "You're asking the wrong person, Hayama. I only met Haruno yesterday, so it's not like we've magically gotten close to one another in such a short period of time. I mean, haven't you known her your whole life?"
"Just how did you know that, Hikigaya?" His grip tightened further.
I slipped up! "Well, uh, she's Yukino's sister, right? And it's not exactly a secret that your family and Yukinoshita's family have some shared history, so I assumed that also included Haruno." Nice recovery!
"You're not wrong." He seemed to calm down slightly.
"Do you feel that something is off about all of this?"
"The only thing off is your attitude, Hikigaya!" Nope, never mind, he's back in rage mode. "I've spent my whole life trying to impress her, and she barely acknowledges my existence! But you, you manage to pique her interest in less than a week!"
"Chill, Hayama. Like I said, I don't have the faintest idea either. In fact, as a loner, I don't deal well with outgoing types like Haruno. You've seen how awkward I am around Yuigahama, right?"
"You have a point there. But that just makes it worse, since she's lavishing attention on you that you don't even appreciate!" His knuckles started going white, while I was more concerned of the physical violence Hiratsuka-sensei would dish out for standing her up.
Sure, it wasn't a date, per se, but that brief, inexplicable, hungry look in her eyes wasn't going to leave my memories anytime soon.
"Hayama, listen to me," I calmly explained. "I don't have any interest in Haruno whatsoever, I'm not your rival for her affections, and I sure as hell don't know what makes her tick." But it certainly isn't you, Hayama. "Instead of taking your frustrations out on me, why don't you invite her to hang out with your clique? Or whatever normies do? Karaoke, I guess? Take this rare opportunity to get to know her better."
Wow. Listen to me. I sound like a goddamn motivational speaker. What the hell am I even doing, giving life advice to Hayama Hayato, of all people?
Finally releasing me, he sighed and dropped his head. "I-I know all that already. It's just that when I tried to join her for lunch yesterday, she looked at me like I was lower than an insect."
"Maybe that's because her sister, Yukino, is also in this school? Did you ever stop to think about that?" Of course not, you were too starry-eyed to even consider that possibility, I bet.
"…" No response, huh?
"Did something happen between you and Yukino in the past?"
"…That's none of your business, Hikigaya."
"You're absolutely correct. I don't care, but you know who does? Haruno. If it involves her younger sister, it'd be completely understandable that she might not favorably view you."
"You don't know anything, Hikigaya. Don't act like you can see through everything with those eyes of yours."
"Say what you want about me, Hayama, but at the end of the day, you're not endearing yourself to Haruno by doing nothing."
He didn't say any more and turned on his heels, walking away from me.
Waiting until his footsteps were no longer audible, I quickly rushed to meet up with Hiratsuka-sensei.
"I hope you have a good excuse for keeping me waiting, Hikigaya-kun." A bulging vein on her forehead meant that I had to tread even more lightly than usual, lest I be subject to a deluxe serving of pain, courtesy of Chez Shizuka.
Answering her honestly, I explained my unexpected accosting by Hayama. She looked at me doubtfully, unable to reconcile the two extreme opposites possibly having anything in common to discuss.
"Actually, he wanted to talk to me about the same topic I came to you for, Sensei."
"Go on." She was curious, to say the least.
"It's about Yukinoshita Haruno." She crushed a pack of cigarettes in her hand upon hearing that name. I winced, praying that the gods had not forsaken me yet.
"…-ansfer student already got men eating out of her hands, damn floo-" She may have thought her mutterings were too low for me to hear, but my 108 Loner Skills had fine-tuned my ears for circumstances such as these.
I coughed. Her mood would only worsen the longer she went on.
"Oh! Sorry about that, you were saying, Hikigaya-kun?"
"Sensei, is there a possibility Haruno is lying about her age?"
Hiratsuka-sensei blinked. Then her eyes narrowed into slits, usually a precursor to a world of pain for me. "Are you seriously asking me about another girl's age? I'm warning you, Hikigaya-kun, if this is a thinly-veiled insult towards me, I'm going to make you regret it in the afterlife." She held her fist up, still clutching the crumpled box, for emphasis.
"It's nothing like that, I swear! It just seems like she should be older than her sister, Yukino."
"Huh? What's that supposed to mean? If she was noticeably older, they wouldn't be twins, then."
"That's exactly what I'm getting at! They're not supposed to be twins! Haruno should be in college, not in high school!"
"Hikigaya-kun, you're not making any sense. Where in the world did you get the idea that Haruno shouldn't be attending Soubu High with her sister?"
"I know it sounds crazy, but hear me out: Haruno used to be a student here, a few years before me, Yukino, Yuigahama, etc." I paused, collecting myself. "In fact, you were her teacher back then as well."
"Well, that clearly isn't the case, unless she took on a new identity with the exact same name and appearance, which would defeat the purpose of taking on a new identity," mused Hiratsuka-sensei.
"Haruno was such an outstanding student that her name became ingrained in Soubu history. That lofty goal became an impossible target for Yukino, whose inferiority complex at always being compared to her older sister led her to become the isolated person she is today." I tried to jog sensei's memory, even as a voice in the back of my head told me it was futile.
"But Yukino seems to get along just fine with Haruno, and Yukino herself is much more well-adjusted than your impression of her," countered Hiratsuka-sensei.
"Admittedly, my memories are not infallible, but then why am I the only person who feels this puzzle is missing several pieces?" So, even sensei had her memories overwritten. I was at a dead end.
"I'm sorry I couldn't be of more help, Hikigaya-kun. Are you sure you haven't confused Haruno with one of your light novel plots? It would certainly make more sense than reality being shifted to the extent you're describing."
"I-I don't know, maybe?" Would I really never arrive at the truth? [3] Was I forever doomed to doubt myself while Haruno intruded on my high school life for the remainder of our time here?
Shaking my head, I thanked Sensei for her time and headed for the Service Club.
"Yahallo, Hikki!"
"Greetings, Hikigaya-kun."
"Hello, Hikigaya."
"Yo." I looked around, not seeing any sign of my sly kouhai, Isshiki.
"If you're looking for Isshiki, she came by earlier, but upon being told you weren't here yet, decided to leave, saying she would come back tomorrow." I didn't even say anything, Yukino! How on earth are you able to read my mind?
"It's quite simple, Hiki-one-track-mind-kun. Despite your protests, you seem to look forward to Isshiki's visits every day, so it was child's play for me to deduce your confusion."
"OK, it's not that I 'look forward' to her visits, it's that I dread the extra labor she forces me to partake in."
"And yet, you have never once successfully stood up to her, if I recall." I wasn't going to let them know that I had a weakness to puppy-dog eyes from imouto-type younger girls. If all of them started using it against me, I would never again know freedom.
I hadn't noticed this yesterday, but I had yet to get a chance to talk with Haruno, one-on-one. Maybe she would drop her mask in private, allowing me to finally get the answers that I sought.
Apparently, Haruno was thinking something along the same lines.
"Yukino, I'm kind of thirsty. Does this school have a vending machine?"
"Yes, there are a few machines distributed throughout the campus. What would you like? We can ask our dependable gopher, Hiki-transport-kun, to make the trip for us, while Yuigahama-san and I remain here in case of any further requests." Don't lie to me, Yukino, you just want some privacy for you and Yurigahama. I'm onto you.
"I'll have a cola, Hikki!"
"An oolong tea for me, please."
"Hey, why is it always me who gets saddled with the drink orders?"
"I thought you'd be thrilled to avoid taking any requests and temporarily getting out of club duties, Hiki-reluctant-kun. Was I mistaken?" I don't think the Yukipedia will ever run out of material.
Ignoring her jab, I turned to Haruno, waiting for her drink order.
"I'm not sure what I want yet. I'll just go with you, Hikigaya!"
"!" Yukino suddenly jumped up from her chair. "Nee-san, I'd strongly advise against going anywhere with Hikigaya-kun by yourself."
"What's the matter, Yukino? Worried I'll put the moves on your boyfriend?" teased Haruno.
"H-He's not my boyfriend! I worry for your safety and chastity!" sputtered Yukino. OK, so maybe she would have to resort to rehashing material sooner than expected.
"Stop treating me like some sort of criminal, alright? We've been in this Service Club together for how long, now? And have I even once done anything that might be classified as a serious crime?" I stared at Yukino, patiently expecting an answer.
"…No, to my knowledge, nothing of the sort has ever occurred."
"Then that's settled." Perfect, I now had an excuse to talk with Haruno, away from prying eyes and ears. Maybe I could finally put an end to this ridiculous farce.
As soon as we had left the club room and walked a good distance away, I quickly glanced around to make sure no one else was nearby. Sensing that the coast was clear, I did something incredibly uncharacteristic of me and pulled a wall-slam maneuver on Haruno.
Fuck, I really am turning into a riajuu.
"My, how daring of you, Hikigaya. Unfortunately, I prefer my boyfriends to have a little more life in their eyes."
"Shut it, Haruno. What is your endgame here? Why are you doing this?"
"I don't know what you're talking about. Are you accusing me of something?" If I didn't know the real Haruno, her innocent confusion might have made me feel a little guilty.
"Your sudden transfer into our class. Getting along with Yukino. Coming to the Service Club. Taking an unusual interest in me, of all guys!"
"Is it a crime to bond with siblings during school? It is forbidden to pursue relationships with the opposite sex if you're not an adult?"
"That's not what I'm talking about!" I was losing my patience with her. Surely, this was all part of her master plan. But the 'why' still eluded me. "You even got Hiratsuka-sensei and Hayama to make me doubt myself!"
"Hayama? Did he say something about me to you?" Haruno tilted her head, not fooling me in the slightest and indicating that she obviously knew that Hayama had sought me out.
"He demanded to know how I managed to attract your attention without seemingly exerting much effort on my part. He's harbored a crush on you for the longest time, but you already know that, didn't you? I saw how you put him in his place when he tried to follow us to lunch the other day."
"Just between you and me, Hayama is as boring as watching paint dry. I can't believe he feels entitled to my attention just because we grew up together."
"I also asked him if something happened between him and Yukino in the past, but he refused to divulge any details."
"That's something that only Yukino herself should tell you, if the time comes." Haruno had a somber look on her face, clearly thinking back to unhappy memories.
The drop in her mood was fleeting, as she recomposed herself and asked me, "So, are we still gonna get those drinks or what, Hikigaya? I could do this all day, but I bet your arm will tire out before then."
Oh, right. That was the excuse we used to leave the club room earlier. No doubt Yukino is freaking out over what her warped character-assassination version of me is doing to her sister.
Reaching the machine, I took out a few coins, depositing them with a satisfying *clink *clink and selected, what else? A can of MAX coffee.
"Let's see, oolong tea for Yukino, cola for Yuigahama…what do you feel like having, Haruno?"
"I guess an orange juice, then." I made the final selection, a *thunk indicating the beginning of the end of our brief excursion.
Handing her the drink, I popped open my heavenly MAX coffee and took a swig. "I'm conflicted, you know."
"About what?"
"I wish more of the uneducated masses knew about the glorious beverage that is MAX coffee, but at the same time, if it became too popular, stores and vending machines alike might run out of stock more often."
Haruno giggled. "That's what you meant? And here I thought you had a more pressing personal issue that I could help you with!" Her giggle evolved into a chuckle-snort combo. Careful, Haruno, you might end up shooting orange juice out of your nose if you don't rein it in.
"Out of curiosity, what did you think I meant when I said that?"
Instantly ceasing her fits of laughter, she quietly said, "Like having to decide which girl you could accept into your life and whom you would have to reject."
I nearly dropped my MAX coffee. Accept? Reject? Was she-
"I don't believe that you're actually that dense, Hikigaya. Rather, you seem to have a defense mechanism that automatically discards any notion of love and romance aimed at you, as though you've been burned before."
"If you're referring to your sister, Yukino, then you've been misinformed. She refused my offer to be friends way back when. We don't see eye to eye on a multitude of things, not least of all my life philosophy."
"I didn't mention her name, though. Why was she the first person to come to mind, hmm?"
Guh! I walked right into that one!
"T-that's obviously because we're both members of the Service Club."
"Isn't there another member? Why not her? She seems quite nice and earnest."
"That's the problem; Yuigahama is fundamentally a nice girl. I am forever wary of nice girls."
"This is related to your past, isn't it, Hikigaya?"
"That's something that only I myself should tell you, but that time will never come."
"Using my own words doesn't really work in this instance, since I can be quite persuasive."
Is it getting hot in here, or is it just me? I tugged at my collar, trying to lessen my discomfort.
"And let's not forget about that cute kouhai of yours. Isshiki, was it? She's really trying her best, isn't she? Visiting the club every day, always with an excuse to see her 'Senpai'. Trying to get him to notice her."
"Please stop. I'll have you know that I have it on good authority that Isshiki is solely interested in Hayama and uses me for manual labor more than a typical farm animal."
"On whose authority would that be?"
"Isshiki herself."
"And yet, she chooses to spend her time with you instead of pursuing that boring guy. Come on, Hikigaya, are you really not getting it?"
I never really enjoyed conservations in general, but this one in particular was heading down unfamiliar territory. Haruno's perception abilities were spot-on as usual, which none of my 108 Loner Skills were able to counter. I was an open book to her; self-immolation the only way to prevent her from gleaning more information out of me.
So I ran.
But not before draining the MAX coffee in my hand; even God wouldn't forgive me for wasting a single drop.
I wasn't sure what compelled me to bolt; was I afraid of being confronted with the truth? How ironic then, that in searching for one truth, I was exposed to another, despite no connection between the two.
After what felt like an eternity, I finally stopped to catch my breath. Where was I now? I hadn't been paying attention to where I was going, so I looked around for a sign. And above my head, there was a literal one: CLASS 2-F
Did I subconsciously come here in search of answers? Needing to sit down, I opened the door and walked in, not expecting anybody to still be here at this hour.
"You know, it's rude to keep a lady waiting, Hikigaya."
How the fu-
The door behind me suddenly closed on its own. Spooky! How did Haruno know I'd end up back here?
"I have a pretty good grasp on the way you think," she replied, even though I didn't say a goddamn thing. "Your expression is evidence that I'm right, isn't it?"
"It's only been two days!" Frantically, I tried to open the door, but a pair of hands grabbed me from behind as Haruno breathed on my ear.
If I didn't know about Haruno's true (?) nature, I would be more aroused than scared, rather than the other way around.
"The fact that you came here meant that you chose me over the other girls," she whispered sultrily. "You have no idea how happy that makes me, Hikigaya."
"Then don't tell me and don't expect me to ask." Her chest, while not as large as Haruno (original), pressed against my back, leading my logical thought processes astray. "Even though club hours are probably over by now, you really should stop teasing me and go find Yukino. She might be worried that you never returned because I kidnapped you or something equally slanderous."
"Don't you worry, next time we see her, I'll explain that I was the culprit here."
"Guilty of what? Intimidation? Harassment? Brainwashing? I could go on, but I'd really like you to let me go now."
"OK, but you have to do one thing for me before that."
Sighing because I didn't have much of choice, I cautiously asked, "What is it, Haruno?"
I didn't have time to react when she pulled me away from the door and tripped me, causing me to fall on my ass. I yelped in pain, but that was soon replaced by a pressure on my stomach.
Haruno was sitting on me, leaning, no, looming over my face like a tsunami, ready to crash down at any moment. Was my first kiss going to be stolen just like this? She licked her lips in anticipation, drawing nearer ever so slowly.
"Just get it over with," I spat out.
"If you insist, Hi-ki-ga-ya~" I closed my eyes, not wanting to burn the image into my mind, and then-
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"
I sat up in bed, breathing heavily. What the hell was with that dream?
Trying to calm myself down, I ran a hand through my hair, feeling the accumulated sweat likely caused by the nightmare just now. Glancing at the digital clock readout, it was barely morning, 4:28am.
Unable to go back to sleep immediately, I decided that a shower to cleanse myself would be the best order of business. Giving my stiff joints a brief stretch, I quietly made my way to the bathroom, making sure not to disturb my family.
Glancing in the mirror, I confirmed that I was still me, that I hadn't switched bodies with him.
The face of Soubu High's soccer ace, Hayama Hayato, stared back at me.
Fuck! Why was he the focus of my dream about Haruno?! And why was I merely a background character, in my own dream? Portrayed as the cliché 'jealous childhood friend'?
I remember reading about this before; I think these were literally called 'anxiety dreams'. Pretty self-explanatory, no? Looking at the context, I wasn't worried about Hikigaya closing the gap with Haruno; I was more concerned that the gap between Haruno and me was widening. As long as Yukino doesn't forgive me, I doubt my relationship with Haruno will improve.
I don't even think it's considered love at this point; I just want her to acknowledge me, like she's acknowledged Hikigaya.
After all, I don't think I've ever truly loved anyone.
And that includes myself.
THE END
Author's Notes:
[1] A paraphrased quote from the 007 Goldfinger novel, which may have come from the 'Moscow Rules'. It's basically a framework for spies to follow, given how dangerous their line of work is, especially in places like Russia, hence the name.
[2] A Monster Hunter reference to an incredibly rare item drop, so much so that it gained a small meme of its own as being a figment of players' imaginations. I, myself, have experienced the agony of playing countless hours, only to get zero Cloudy Moonshards, while my hunting buddies get boatloads, despite not actively wanting them.
[3] Jojo's Bizarre Adventure: Golden Wind reference.
This one-shot was based on a prompt from u/Loner-by-choice.
"How about a story where Haruno and Yukino are twins.
That is Haruno is in same year as Hachiman. That would be epic.
I can only wish a good writer can make a story based on this"
If the twist feels familiar, it's a fairly common deus ex machina. I doubt many of you have seen St. Elsewhere, one of the most infamous uses of this twist; I know I sure haven't. My inspiration is actually from the anime/manga D-Frag!. It's a funny gag series. Read it. Watch it. Maybe I'll write a fic for that series someday.