When Snakes Get Stuck

Disclaimer: Good Omens belongs to people who are not me.

Rating: PG-13

Authoress note: When Crowley gets stuck as a snake Aziraphale doesn't know what to do.

Chapter Four

"So, am I the only one who's bitterly disappointed?" Newt said standing in the doorway to the living room, he was staring purposefully at the gigantic demonic snake currently coiled around four children, all of whom were watching cartoons.

"Disappointed?" Anathema asked, accepting the cup of tea Aziraphale offered her as he came up behind the two humans staring into the living room.

"There's a demon snake in the living room, currently watching cartoons and cuddling children," Newt said. "Not very demonic is it?"

"You being the expert, naturally," Aziraphale huffed. "Would you rather he be eating them? Besides' Crowley can be…" Crowley looked up from the television and hissed loudly before Aziraphale could finish. "Yes, I know," Aziraphale muttered sipping his own tea, "You're not nice."

"He bloody well is nice," Newt muttered turning to face Anathema, he did not notice Crowley uncoiling himself from the children and slithering towards him. "Demons are supposed to be terrifying and, you know, demonic."

"You're really torn up that he's behaving himself?" Anathema snorted; she had noticed the approaching Crowley. She watched the snake as Newt continued his rant, Crowley coiled himself at Newts feet before rising up until his head was level with Newts. He hissed loudly.

"Yes, yes," Newt waved his hand, "scary demon." Crowley looked at a sudden loss. Newt hadn't even jumped. "Bloody Ka in the jungle Book was scarier than you."

"Come back, Snake-Dude," Adam called from the sofa. "You're going to miss it." Crowley sulked back to the sofa, once again coiling around the children, but only because they were warm, obviously. He let Adam rest his hand on his head, small fingers rubbing gently at his scales.

"This isn't getting us anywhere," Anathema muttered turning to head back into the kitchen. She was followed by Newt and Aziraphale.

"Joking aside," Newt said when they were back in the kitchen. "It's just not what I was expecting."

"Some of the demons are as you say," Aziraphale shrugged. "Awful creatures really, vindictive and spiteful. Crowley … well, he's different."

"Must be to be friends with an angel," Anathema said. "But I suppose you'd be different from the other angels as well then? To be friends with a demon I mean."

"I'm not a very good angel, not really," Aziraphale said. "I'm indulgent, selfish, petty…"

"Stop that," Anathema said. "No more of your self-pity, between your self-pity and Crowley's sulking I'm not surprised you haven't sorted this yet."

"Well," Newt said. Anathema gave him a look. "It's just we haven't fixed it either and its been nearly a week."

"I'm not versed in demonic shapeshifting," Anathema huffed. "It's a sharp learning curve."

"She's right," Aziraphale said firmly. "We've made some progress besides, and I'm glad we're here. Crowley's certainly perked up a bit."

"Yup, the demonic snake is happier surrounded by children," Newt said. "Proper devilish that one."

"More mischievous than devilish," Anathema said smiling, recalling the game of hide and seek that had gone on before the cartoons started. Watching a huge snake trying to fit under the sofa only to be barked at by a diminutive hellhound was a unique way to spend the morning. Fortunately, Dog had backed down when he got a good look at the demon's teeth, leaving a smug Crowley to his hiding spot, despite the fact that four feet of his tail protruded from the sofa.

"Is there anything else we can try?" Newt said, snapping her out of her thoughts.

"We've exhausted all the books," Aziraphale said. "How about your mother? Have you heard from her yet?"

"She emailed this morning," Anathema said. "Unimpressed still, and disappointedly empty-handed."

"Bother," Aziraphale said.

"And there's no other angels or demons you can talk to?" Anathema said. Aziraphale shook his head.

"As I said before our ties are cut with head office," Aziraphale slumped into a stool at the breakfast nook.

"Anathema," Adam called from the kitchen doorway. The three adults looked up. "We're going to head outside for a while."

"That's nice, be careful," Anathema smiled. Adam nodded.

"Can we take Snake-Dude?" he asked.

"Best not," Aziraphale said. "It's a bit cold for him outside, plus I doubt the residents of Tadfield will appreciate a twenty-foot snake wandering about." Adam looked momentarily disappointed before nodding and turning out of the kitchen. Aziraphale smiled after him.

"He's a good lad," he said softly. "Good upbringing gave him a proper head on his shoulders. I dread to think what it would have been like had our plan worked."

"Who knows," Anathema said. "It's might have worked just fine, but…" she trailed off. Aziraphale nodded and stood heading back into the living room. Crowley was curled on the sofa alone now, the cartoons had stopped, the news played on the television which Aziraphale switched off.

"Squish up, dear," Aziraphale said. Crowley looked up and down the small sofa and then back at Aziraphale clearly communicating that moving would not be happening, he barely fit on the sofa as it was. "Fine," Aziraphale said and lifted a portion of Crowley up before settling on the sofa himself letting Crowley rest on top of him. Crowley shuffled himself around until his head was in Aziraphale's lap.

"I'm sorry to report that we're still not making much progress, all we seem to be able to do is find out who doesn't know the answer." Aziraphale started rubbing at Crowley's head, flinching when dry scales flaked off in his hand. "You're shedding, dear." Crowley blinked large yellow eyes at him and gave what Aziraphale thought of like a snake equivalent of a shrug.

"They are all trying so hard, I feel so useless," Aziraphale continued. "You've been stuck like this for so long now, over a month, what if … what if…" he couldn't finish the sentence, a lump forming in his throat trapping his words.

"You're not helping," Anathema said from behind the sofa, Aziraphale jumped, he hadn't heard her approach. She came around to crouch in front of the pair. Aziraphale found himself gripping Crowley tightly. "I spent my whole life studying prophecy," she said softly. "And do you want to know what I found?" Aziraphale nodded slowly. "That most prophecies are self-fulfilling. Not Agnus' I admit, hers were true, if a little obscure at times. But most people if they believe something hard enough then it comes to pass."

"What are you saying?" Aziraphale said.

"That if you believe Crowley is going to be trapped forever as a snake," Aziraphale's grip tightened again. Crowley tried to breathe but found it difficult, under the angel's surprisingly strong grip. "Then he might well be, because you'll stop looking, unconsciously."

"I would never," Aziraphale said. "But I think I understand what you mean." He snorted an uncomfortable laugh. "An angel being instructed in the faith." He laughed louder; it was a brittle sound. "I told you I was a bad angel."

Crowley was quiet for the rest of the day, not that he was particularly verbose in his snake form but Aziraphale had picked up on his meaning via body language over the last few weeks. But since Anathema's comments on a self-fulfilling prophecy, he had become still. Even when the children returned, he vacated the sofa and hid himself away under the double bed. It didn't feel like a sulk, which Aziraphale had become good at spotting, instead it felt like Crowley was worried. It unsettled Aziraphale to see him such and he excused himself in the evening to go and sit on the floor beside the bed Crowley was hiding under.

"You know we'll sort this, right?" he said after a long moment of sitting quietly together. "I will fix this; I won't let you stay stuck." Crowley's head emerged from the bed, sliding across the floor to rest in Aziraphale's lap. "You're …you're very dear to me, old boy," Aziraphale fought past the lump in his throat that always formed when he tried to give voice to his feelings regarding the demon. "So much, so very much. I know I'm not the most expressive when it comes to this. I let my fear of the possible repercussions control me." He let out a slow shaky breath and tried to compose himself. "I let fear control me, I thought it was faith, faith in heaven, in what Gabriel told me. I never should have listened to him; I should have listened to you. It's always been our side. You and me." he looked down at Crowley. "Well, our side is going to beat this, together."

They continued to sit on the floor for a time, Aziraphale's backside went numb and Crowley slept, Aziraphale wished for a moment that he was more up to date with technology, he knew today's phones could record video and he desperately wanted to preserve on film the moment that Crowley started to snore. The sound was one Aziraphale would treasure; a low rumble followed by a small squeak as the air was pushed out Crowley's nose.

"I wonder if you do that in your other shape," Aziraphale smiled. "Snore I mean, I doubt it would be as cute as this." The snake on his lap shifted slightly. "I know, I know you're not cute, or nice. Except that you are." He smiled wider. "You've always been nice to me; it was part of what upset my equilibrium so much. That you were so nice. A demon, a creature of the pit, was nice, thoughtful, brave and utterly selfless when it came to me. While, angels …. weren't."

He let out a sudden laugh that was loud enough to wake Crowley. "Oh, I'm sorry dear, I was just remembering. Do you remember when I opened my bookshop?" the snake blinked sleepily at him. "I was getting ready for the grand opening and Gabriel turned up with talk of returning home and medals. Do you remember?" he asked feeling exhausted tears forming. "He was going to give my bookshop to Michael. Then I looked up and saw you out the window, you called Michael a wanker." He laughed again, tears falling this time. "Now whenever I see Michael or someone talks about him, all I can hear in my mind is you, 'Michael's a wanker!' I swear I've laughed in his face a couple of times because of it." He stopped laughing and wiped at his face. "I was so worried they'd see you, but not because it would mean they'd catch us and figure out the arrangement, but because Gabriel could kill you. I was so flustered but you'd vanished so quickly." He swallowed hard; the lump was back.

"When you went to heaven as me," he shook his head. "I thought I'd be sick. I was so frightened. What if they found you? I couldn't bear it, the thought of it." The snake in his lap, let out a quiet hiss. "Yes, your quite right," Aziraphale mumbled. "No point in worrying about what could have happened, it didn't happen. We did it, we beat them. Now, now we'll beat this." He fidgeted, feeling the blood rushing back to his legs and backside. "But I really must get up, don't hide under here for too long, ok? It's not warm enough." Aziraphale got to his feet watching the snake retreat back under the bed.

Aziraphale didn't sleep, as a rule, however, stress, exhaustion and emotional exhaustion finally pushed him over the edge. He rested his head on the breakfast nook at around 3:15am and was woken at 6:30am but someone rustling around in the fridge.

"What?" he muttered, blinking his eyes to clear the sleep from them.

"I'm going to make you Crepes," Crowley's backside was sticking out of the fridge, a very human backside. "I have no idea how, but I have Google." The rest of Crowley emerged from the fridge, eggs and milk in his arms. "They are going to be amAziraphaleing, best crepes ever."

"Crowley!" Aziraphale yelled, forgetting the early hour. He jumped out of the stool he was perched on, or rather he tried to. But all of his half-asleep limbs trying to explosively move at once did not work and he toppled off the stool, landing on the tiled floor with no dignity. He was already scrambling to his feet, as the demon dropped the eggs and milk in an effort to catch him, and all but launched himself across the kitchen. He hit Crowley hard, Crowley slipped on broken eggs and they both toppled backwards into the resultant mess of raw egg and spilt milk.

"Um…hello Angel," Crowley said. "That was possibly the most enthusiastic good morning I have ever seen and I hadn't even made the Crepes yet."

"Fuck the Crepes," Aziraphale said. Crowley snorted a laugh but it was cut short when the air in his lungs was forced out by Aziraphale's grip on him. Aziraphale was a lot stronger than he looked.

That was how Anathema and Newt had found them ten minutes later when they emerged, baseball bat and a heavy-duty torch in hand.

"Hullo," Crowley tried to wave but his arm that wasn't wrapped around Aziraphale was stuck under him.

"Um hello," Anathema said. "Crowley?"

"The one and only," Crowley smirked then looked at Aziraphale, who had gone a delightful shade of red. "Can we get up angel, the uh…eggs are soaking through my jeans."

"Oh of course," Aziraphale all but leapt to his feet, pulling the demon with him. "I'm so sorry, dear."

"Nonsense," Crowley said, all but ignoring the two humans watching them. "Best hello ever. 10 out of 10." Aziraphale turned a darker shade of red. "Need to do it every day." He snapped his fingered and the broken eggs, spilt milk and resulting mess was gone, the reformed eggs and milk bottle were sitting on the counter.

"So," Anathema said dragging the word out, "you figured out the solution?" she looked to Aziraphale who shook his head.

"I fell asleep," he muttered.

"You can take credit for finding the solution," Crowley said, pulling out a stool and offering it to Aziraphale before taking the one next to him, shifting it close to the angel before perching on it. "Your talk about self-fulfilling prophecies, it made me think, this hadn't been done to me. If it had then there would be residual magic, I'd sense it."

"Magic always leaves a residue," Anathema nodded, starting to wake up a bit.

"But there wasn't any. Which meant either," he held up his fingers, counting off the possibilities. "The person who did this is some kind of magic ninja, or I did it to myself."

"Self-fulfilling prophecy," Anathema said suddenly enthusiastic. Crowley nodded.

"I was so sure I'd get stuck, that I did," he couldn't quite meet anyone's eyes, admitting this.

"You mean you did this!" Aziraphale said.

"Not on purpose, but yeah. Once I figured that out, coming back from it was … annoyingly easy."

"You …you moron!" Aziraphale snapped, for a moment it looked like he would hit Crowley. "I was absolutely terrified, I thought I had done this to you and it was you!"

"Calm down angel," Crowley held up his hand's palms facing out.

"No!" Aziraphale said. "You're always telling me that I'm the dumbest person you've ever met and then you pull this stunt."

"To start with it wasn't a stunt, I thought I was stuck as much as you did. Secondly, I never call you the dumbest person, I said you were the dumbest smart person."

"That doesn't make any sense," Aziraphale snapped.

"It does," Crowley snapped right back. "You're really bloody clever then you think it's your fault that I got myself stuck. Seems pretty dumb to me."

"How dare you," Aziraphale snapped.

"Are you always like this?" Anathema interrupted. Crowley and Aziraphale looked at her.

"The yelling while holding hands thing?" Newt said, trying not to laugh, gesturing to their hands clasped tightly together between them. "It's almost as funny as the threatening not to talk to each other during the apocalypse."

"I didn't …" Aziraphale started but stopped. He did not let go of Crowley's hand.

"You did angel," Crowley muttered. "Told me you'd never speak to me again unless I fixed everything. Which I did."

"Adam did," Anathema corrected.

"Yes but," Crowley all but preened. "I bought him time to think."

"Uh-huh," Newt said, Crowley frowned.

"This is rubbish," he snapped. "I've not been back to normal for more than twenty minutes and everyone is yelling at me. Also, I'm pretty fed up with your stupid comments on how bloody un-devilish I am!" Crowley ranted. "I made the bloody M25 for crying out loud."

"That was you!" Newt said. "Asshole!"

"Yes!" Crowley laughed. "Suck on that."

"Suck on what?" Aziraphale interrupted the flow of Crowley's rant.

"Just a phrase, Angel," Crowley said. "Don't mind it." Aziraphale huffed indignantly.

"Fine, but just so you know, this whole debacle will take at least six Crepes to make up for."

End Fic

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