This is a side story to Monster of Logic by Alxariam. She has granted approval to an unpopular writer like me to invoke her story.

This snippet takes place after chapter 3 of her story, though it may not line up with future MoL canon, depending on how MoL develops.

Original Blurb: Yakumo Yukari and Yukinoshita Haruno chat about our favorite disillusioned loner stuck in a land of illusion.

Side Story 1 — Tea for Two

Yakumo Yukari was beaming.

Finally, another interesting human! In Gensoukyou! And he's not terrified of youkai, to boot!

Needless to say, such a find was incredibly rare, despite Yukari's age [GAPPED].

I mean, despite Yukari's eternally seventeen years young age… [1]

Very good, narrator. You may live another day.

Yeesh. Where was I? Oh, right. The Youkai of Boundaries was positively delighted to have unexpectedly obtained another fascinating toy. How long it would last in comparison to past playthings would have to be seen, depending on how quickly the boy could acclimate himself to the unfamiliar world and its lack of common sense rules.

Fortunately, the boy appeared to be quick on the uptake. Granted, he overestimated his observation abilities, but they were far above an average human's. Perhaps his unusual eyes really did grant him stat bonuses? [+20 Perception, -50 Approachability]

He mentioned that he was originally from Chiba, was it? Hmmm, that reminds me; I haven't spoken to her in a while. Who knows? There might even be the one-in-a-million chance that she's run into him before! [2]

Yukari grabbed her parasol and opened a portal to Chiba City, Japan, but not before yelling out to Ran, her familiar and eternally-burdened fox servant. "Ran, I'll be going out for a bit! Don't forget to feed Chen! And if that human comes back, try to learn a bit more about him! After all, I'm counting on you to impersonate him!"

A loud sigh/groan could be heard in response. "Yes, Yukari-sama. Understood." The fight in Ran had long since vanished, not unlike other metaphysical concepts in one of the many boundary-altering instances that her mistress had whimsically indulged in.

The portal closed and Gensoukyou was temporarily without its most feared Gatekeeper.

Well, maybe second most feared, depending on how you viewed a certain shrine maiden.

Yukinoshita Haruno was bored. Nothing unusual about that; her daily life had become routine and monotonous. She didn't feel particularly connected nor attached to her family members, save for her younger sister, but interfering in Yukino's life wasn't producing the desired results at the expected rate these days. Haruno also had no one she would consider a peer on her level; if her stats were translated to an RPG, she could solo the entire final dungeon without breaking a sweat.

OK, there were a few other exceptions to her uneventful existence, namely one Hikigaya Hachiman. But when she had waited to intercept him on the way home from his school, he never appeared, so she was in even less of a good mood. Initially, she had assumed Service Club activities had run longer than usual, but Yukino had not indicated anything of the sort.

And then there was that incident. Haruno wasn't a superstitious type, nor did she believe in aliens and ghosts or other supernatural phenomena. Quips about Hachiman's resemblance to zombies aside, it was foolish of her to buy into such nonsense.

At least, that's what she used to think, before she met Yakumo Yukari a few weeks ago. The very out of place attire, blonde hair in a sea of mostly raven-colored individuals, and the incredible confidence with which Yukari had carried herself when she approached Haruno's booth in the little café had left Haruno internally scratching her head. Was she a foreign dignitary? Perhaps a case of mistaken identity ("All Asians look alike")? Or just a crazy person?

Then Yukari addressed the elder Yukinoshita by her full name, eliminating the second possibility. Apparently, all she wanted to do was have a little chat. Yukari told her that she was new to Chiba, was looking for a friendly individual to help show her around, maybe make a friend or two in the process.

At the time, Haruno had donned her best mask, clearly wary of the mysterious individual's motives, as was her usual modus operandi. Yukari had done the same, but rather than two opaque glass panes, it was more like a one-way mirror, with Haruno being unable to see through Yukari's true self. Yukari was not called the 'Elusive and Two-Faced Youkai' for nothing.

In all honesty, Yukinoshita Haruno had felt fear for the first time in her entire life.

In the end, after spending an afternoon with Yukari, they parted ways, with Haruno having gleaned little to no meaningful information on her new acquaintance. And so, Haruno felt that they would probably never cross paths ever again, because, come on, what are the odds of that happening?

"Hey there, Haruno! How have you been?"

If Haruno had been consuming any food or drink right then, she might have starting choking.

Sputtering, she exclaimed, "Y-you again?" That Yukari had emerged out of seemingly nowhere was not helping matters.

"No, no. Not 'you'. My name is 'Yukari'. Don't tell me you've forgotten already?" She placed her free hand on her hip and made a mock pouting expression.

"I thought I'd never see you again, so is it any wonder that I'm surprised?" Haruno did her best to collect herself, noting that she was in her own apartment and that no one else could have witnessed the sudden appearance of Yukari.

"Did you miss me that much?" teased Yukari. "I'm soooo moved, Haruno!"

"That's not what I meant, Yukari. The odds were just too low, as far as I could tell, that's all." Haruno didn't realize that Yukari could easily manipulate the boundary between probable and improbable, though at least one other Chiba resident may have believed it.

Somewhere, a bespectacled otaku sneezed.

"So, what brings you here? Couldn't you at least call me ahead of time to let me know you were stopping by? And how did you even get in here?"

"Now, now, let's not worry about the details, Haruno. I just wanted to chat with you again, nothing more. I was too excited that I forgot to contact you. Tee-hee!" Yukari made a bonking motion wholly inappropriate for her age ra-

[GAPPING THREAT INTENSIFIES]

I mean, Yukari made a cute childish bonking motion, begging for forgiveness in an incredibly insincere manner.

[GAPPING THREAT DIMINISHES]

"And what could be so riveting that you had to rush over here?" Haruno was resisting the urge to roll her eyes, expecting some lame gossip to spill from Yukari's mouth.

"Well, I met a boy."

"That's it, I'm calling the police."

"Hang on! It's not like that! Let me finish."

"This is going to take a while, isn't it? Let me prepare some tea and snacks, then." Haruno was oddly fine with a home invasion, though having met the person (?) before probably helped reduce the anxiety factor. After returning with the promised refreshments, she prompted Yukari to continue.

"As I was saying, I recently met an interesting boy. In my…country, our population is overwhelmingly female, so men are uncommon. He said he was from Chiba, so I thought, 'Haruno is also from Chiba! Maybe she knows him!'" Yukari took a sip of the piping hot tea.

"You said you were from far-off place, not well-known, right, Yukari? I seriously doubt I know anybody who would venture into a location like that."

"Funny thing about that; the boy says he doesn't know how he got there, but after talking with him, it sounds like he just wanted to run away from Chiba and didn't really care where he ended up."

Haruno thought for a moment, trying to see if he would ever do such a thing, before dismissing the idea. He'd never leave his precious imouto alone, no matter what.

"Did you at least ask for his name? I can't think of anyone who I personally know that would try to escape reality through such extreme measures." She bit into a cracker and washed it down with some tea. [3]

"Oh, his name is Hachi-chan."

Haruno spit out her tea at hearing Yukari's nickname for a certain fish-eyed loner. Yukari's reflexes allowed her to instantaneously bring up her parasol to immediately block the liquid projectile barrage, causing it to harmlessly splatter to the side of the room.

"'Hachi-chan'? As in Hikigaya Hachiman?" a bewildered Haruno gaped while absentmindedly wiping the area dry.

Yukari clapped her hands. "That's right! So you do know who I'm talking about! Great! Maybe you can tell me more about him!" Unlike the previous instances, this coincidence was not brought about by the Youkai of Boundaries, but by a hack writer who already has two strikes against him for commenting on [GAPPED].

A million questions filled Haruno's mind. How did Hachiman make it all the way…there? Wherever 'there' is. Why did he leave Chiba so suddenly? How much of his encounter with Yukari was a mere coincidence and how much was manipulated? Should I come up with an embarrassing nickname for Hayato? What should I make for dinner tonight? Now that I have an unexpected guest, I need to make sure she doesn't have any food allerg- No, wait! Go back to Hachiman's circumstances!

"Is he alright?" Despite viewing nearly everyone else as non-equals, Haruno saw Hikigaya Hachiman as an intriguing person, not quite equal, but at the very least not boring.

She would hate it if her favorite toy disappeared just like that.

"Surprisingly, he's holding up just fine. Hachi-chan is staying at my place for now, getting his bearings before figuring out his next move." That part wasn't quite true (yet), as Hachiman had steadfastly refused Yukari's suspiciously generous offer of freeloading. He wasn't enough of a fool to think a free lunch truly existed, no matter where he went.

He was still a fool in a myriad of other ways, though. That, sadly, couldn't be denied.

"I just want to reconfirm something, Yukari. You have absolutely no interest in boys that way, right?" Haruno was insinuating a less-than-squeaky-clean connotation, something which was not lost on Yukari.

"Oh, heavens no! Even if my area has a miniscule dating pool, I wouldn't throw myself at just anybody who happened to be male! I do have standards, you know. I'm in no hurry to get married or settle down."

Somewhere, a lab coat wearing Christmas Cake teacher sneezed.

It's probably Hikigaya thinking something negative about me again. I'll have to pay him back the next time I see him in school.

"If you want me to enlighten you as to why he ran away, I'm afraid I can't help you there, Yukari. It's not like I keep tabs on his life to the extent that I can pinpoint a trigger." But I do keep tabs on his life to a fair extent, not that you need to know that.

Yukari smirked; it was obvious that Haruno held some positive affection for Hachi-chan, though calling it romantic in nature at this point in time would be misleading. A more accurate description might be 'fascination', bordering (pun fully intended) on 'obsession'?

"From what I could gather, he doesn't have many strong bonds with family and friends, does he?"

"Hachiman finds it difficult to trust people. Without trust, relationships cannot be strengthened. Hell, I know that he doesn't fully trust me, and I'm someone who knows the real him!"

Cocking an eyebrow, Yukari prodded, "Really? Well, is there anyone that he trusts? He did mention that several people would be worried by his sudden disappearance, but acknowledging their concern does not mean he necessarily trusts these people."

"Komachi." Haruno's response was immediate.

"Komachi?" Yukari reeled imperceptibly, caught off-guard. He didn't mention running into her yet, so how could he trust her already?

Haruno, however, was skilled at catching micro-expressions and noticed the brief change in Yukari's demeanor. "Komachi is his younger sister. Did that come as a surprise to you? That someone as distant as him valued his family member that much?"

Shaking it off, Yukari responded, "No, it wasn't that. I just happen to know someone else named Komachi as well, so the name threw me for a loop. But it does explain a few things, though."

"Like what?" inquired Haruno.

"He was less confrontational when dealing with Chen, almost treating her like a little sister."

"Chen? Who's Chen?"

"Oh, right. You've never met her. Chen is my…daughter's pet cat."

"Wait, you're saying Hachiman treated a cat like he would a human being? That's bizarre, even for him. Oh! But he does have a pet cat of his own, so maybe it's just cat owner instincts kicking in."

"…" Yukari wanted to make a joke about Hachi-chan's age preferences, but more so than that, she wanted to avoid giving the narrator yet another easy target, for fear of losing control and [GAPPING] him out of existence, leaving the story forever unfinished.

"Yeah, let's go with that. Is there anyone else besides his sister? Any close friends?"

Haruno snorted. "Truth be told, I'm not sure he considers anyone his friends. He keeps them all at arm's length, if they haven't already ostracized him first."

"Wow, that's pretty harsh. No wonder he felt like he had nobody to turn to."

"There are several of his peers trying to break his walls, but he's too stubborn to admit that people care about him that way." Like my sister and Gahama-chan, for instance.

"Are you perhaps among those people, Haruno?" teased Yukari.

"As if. I simply enjoy watching drama unfold, especially if I have a hand in creating it." Somehow, the excuse sounded less convincing than it used to.

"We really are alike in that regard, aren't we? If nothing interesting is occurring, we take it into our own hands to make something interesting happen."

"Life is too short as is, so excitement should be sought out wherever and whenever possible." Haruno felt more at ease now, treating Yukari as a kindred spirit of sorts.

Yukari, once again, suppressed her inner thoughts on lifespan and longevity, using her border-manipulating powers to break the Fourth Wall to glare directly at the author of this story, daring him to make one more crack about [GAPPED].

Sipping her tea, she went over what she had learned about Hachi-chan, which wasn't much, admittedly. Maybe some of it could help Ran when she crossed the border to impersonate him later on. She needed more information; an unconvincing act would only lead to more questions from those who knew him well.

"Say, is Hachi-chan part of any clubs? Sports?"

"Actually, he is. Though I hear he was sort of forced into it as an attempt to improve his attitude." With mixed results, I might add. He is a runaway right now, after all.

"That certainly sounds like the only way he would join," commented Yukari. "What kind of things do they do?"

"He's part of something called the 'Service Club', where they take requests from students and try to help them with various issues. One time, I even asked them to help me improve my relationship with my younger sister, but they turned me down! Can you believe it?" [4]

"I get the feeling that you're more at fault for the schism between sisters than you're telling me, but is the Service Club obligated to accept all requests in the first place?" Yukari took another sip of tea, then refilled her mug.

"Well, no. They're not strictly required to take on all requests, especially the more unreasonable ones. But still, how could Hachiman refuse his pretty onee-san senpai? The nerve of some people!" It was said mostly in jest, but this only served as further evidence of Yukari's initial hypothesis that Haruno wanted to build a better relationship with Hachi-chan, though to what extent was still unclear.

"So despite being part of a club, he doesn't feel he truly belongs, does he? Why doesn't he just leave, if he's so miserable there?" Humans can be absolutely baffling sometimes.

"Regardless of what he says, those two club mates of his are probably the closest things to friends in his life." And at least one of them wants to be more than 'just friends'.

"And yet, he deserted them. Ran away. Probably let them down and made them cry in doing so."

Haruno sighed. "Deep down, he still feels he isn't someone worthy of their friendship and realizes that pushing them away won't work forever." My poor little sister…

"That reminds me; earlier, you mentioned his younger sister, Komachi, as being the only person he trusts. Does the same hold true for his parents?"

"I doubt it; from what I know, his parents are rarely home, so it's just the two siblings looking out for each other most of the time. That might explain the strong bond they share."

"Though even that wasn't enough to prevent him from running away this time," quipped Yukari. "Something really bad must have happened then."

"Like I said earlier, I haven't the foggiest idea, so if he's not willing to tell you himself…"

"I know, I know. I'll give him time and personal space; if he opens up, great! If not, I hope that he can least be useful around the house. I don't plan on letting him crash there without getting something in return, you know."

Haruno chuckled. "You're in luck, then. He's a decent cook, so long as you're OK with eating curry often, and he cleans up nicely around the house. Sort of expected, when he has to be the responsible older sibling in his household."

"You make it sound like he's a housewife or something."

"He has mentioned his future dream is to be a househusband on several occasions. Though that requires him to find a suitable wife, which given his personality, might be a taller hurdle than expected."

"Are you serious?"

"Completely."

"…Wow. Maybe I should hook up with him after all. Meals and cleaning while I laze around all day? That's a pretty good deal-"

"Yukari!" shouted Haruno. "I thought you said you weren't interested in him like that!"

"Kidding! Geez, Haruno, you almost sounded like an overprotective sister for a moment." Yukari grinned. "Or, are you perhaps jealous? Worried that I'll take advantage of your precious kouhai while he lives and sleeps under the same roof as me?"

Haruno said nothing, instead taking out her smartphone and began to dial.

"OK, OK! Can't you take a joke?" Giving Haruno a moment to calm down, Yukari spoke again. "Besides, we didn't exactly get off on the right foot. I…kind of goaded him into returning home, since I felt he wouldn't be able to fit in, what with the new culture and everything all at once."

"…And?"

"And he blew up at me; at least I can confirm he has some semblance of a spine. Claimed he saw right through my plan, that he wasn't going to take the bait," remembered Yukari. "I would say I'm impressed, but he was only partially correct, so I can't award him full points for that."

"Sounds just like the first time I met him. I tried to tease him, get him all flustered like every other adolescent boy, but he just stared at me and didn't react like I thought he would."

"Is that when you started taking an interest in him?"

"Like you said, you and I are more similar than we think."

"So, now what? Are you going to ask to accompany me back home to torme-, I mean visit Hachi-chan?"

"I'll pass this time. I'm probably one of the last faces he wants to see right now. But, can I ask for a small favor from you, Yukari?"

"If this is a request, please make it through the proper Service Club channels," deadpanned Yukari.

"Very funny. Please stop by every once in a while to let me know how Hachiman is doing. That way, I can at least pass of the news, good or bad, to those who are genuinely worried about him. Is that alright with you? I don't know what your schedule is like, so hopefully you can squeeze this in occasionally." Haruno hated asking others for favors, preferring to be the one owed favors, but she had no way of getting in touch with Hachiman otherwise. His phone seemed to be turned off, if not out of range or out of battery.

Yukari thought for a brief moment, before plastering an uncanny smile on her face. "OK, but on one condition."

"Name it." Please don't be something absurd like taking my firstborn as payment.

"Next time I visit, please prepare some high quality alcoholic drinks. Tea is nice, but spirits should consume spirits."

Haruno didn't quite get the meaning of the second part, but her disposable income level was high enough that she had no problem with the stipulation. "Deal. And next time, a heads up would be appreciated, Yukari."

"I should be going now; my…daughter is preparing dinner and waiting for me."

"Goodbye, Yukari. Take care."

"You too, Haruno. Oh, could you turn around for a moment, I have a surprise for you."

"Really? You choose to bring out your gift now as you're leaving? Fine, I'll humor you." Haruno swiveled 180 degrees until her back was to Yukari.

A few seconds passed.

Then a few more.

Then even more time passed.

Haruno was quickly losing her patience. "Yukari, what is taking so lon-" As she turned back around to face her guest, an empty seat across the table where Yukari was sitting was all that Haruno saw.

She blinked several times.

"She really is someone who comes and goes as she pleases, isn't she?"

Author's Notes:

[1] Veteran voice actress Kikuko Inoue has made this a running gag throughout her lengthy career. As of 2019, she is 55 years old. For comparison, Yakumo Yukari is canonically at least 1,200 years old, er, young. This first story was uploaded on Kikuko's birthday by complete coincidence, I swear.

[2] Literally, since the population of Chiba City (not to be confused with Chiba Prefecture) in 2019 was just under 1,000,000 people.

[3] Ironically, 'escaping reality' is 10000000% on the nose, since 'Gensoukyou' literally means 'Land of Fantasy'.

[4] Occurs in Volume 6.5 of the OreGaIru light novel. Actually, Hikigaya tells Haruno to stop being so nosy and to let things naturally play out, but this is a passive method, which Haruno would not be pleased with.

As Yukari is canonically (in Touhou) one of the very few residents who can freely move between Gensoukyou and the Outside World (Our Reality), there are opportunities for future installments of this Side Story series, as long as Yakumo Yukari is not suddenly erased from the story by some BS HAX abilities.

Or if the original author, Alxariam, is not horrified at the desecration by association.

Or if the author of this story is not suddenly [GAPPED]