CW: descriptions of flashbacks, descriptions of child abuse, descriptions of dissociative episodes, touch aversion

Adora walked through the halls of the Bright Moon castle absorbed in her own thoughts It was good being able to work with her friends. Knowing they had each other's backs no matter what helped everything to not seem so heavy all the time. But not totally, and not for long enough in her opinion. She wondered if it ever really would stop hurting. If she would ever be able to chill as everyone else could, even people as excitable as the other princesses seemed to have access to a calm she did not.

To be fair though it was over a decade versus like a year so maybe in another decade of this life would chill the fuck out. A loud noise of screaming came from a room she rushed over yanked on the door and it wouldn't open she heard a large crash, the lights flickered in the hallway and her breath caught in her throat.

"Shut up you stupid child!" Shadow Weaver's voice was harsh and echoed throughout the room and the blinding room took on the eerie look of her magic the red encircling Catra.

"Now Adora. What do we say?" Shadow Weaver's tone slipping into her apologetic passive tone her hand lying softly on Adora's shoulder.

"I'm sorry Shadow Weaver I won't do it again. Catra won't either I swear." Adora's voice broke at the end. She hated this, it happened all the time she tried so hard to be perfect. But it didn't work.

Catra hit the ground with a large thud. The noise made Adora let out her breath. Adora rushed over to Catra but tripped over Shadow Weaver's foot. Her wrist started to hurt in the tight grasp that was now holding her stuck on her toes.

"You forgot something, Adora." Shadow Weaver said in a slimy tone.

Adora looked around she couldn't remember what she was supposed to do.

"I don't know," Adora said confused. God how could she always forget. Tears stung her face.

"How will you ever make force captain if you can't do these simple things? I know you are better than this, you can't let yourself fail."

"I don't remember!" Adora shouted. "I'll fix it I swear. I'm Sorry"

Adora shut her eyes desperately trying to remember what she was meant to do.

"Adora!" Catra screamed.

Adora slammed her hands over her ears to focus but then something rammed into her.

"We have to fix the training gear!" Adora shouted everything was confusing the place was too brightly lit. She could still hear Catra screaming. Tears streamed down her face but another voice was saying her name. Another hand came down on her shoulder.

"Stop" Adora shouted pushing the mystery person away from her.

She breathed in deeply and slowly. Calm the fuck down She thought to herself. Slowly the world slid into focus and a frazzled looking Glimmer with soot in her hair stood in front of her. Bow was next to them both.

"Are you okay?" Glimmer.

"Huh?" Adora said breathlessly.

"I heard shouting." Bow explained. "And you were standing here and looked really upset."

Adora remembered what had freaked her out in the first place. "Something was exploding I heard shouting."

"Oh, that was us and Sea Hawk. We were trying out new weapons to use against the Horde. We accidentally set what Bow was building on fire and everything went haywire."

"No one was hurt?" Adora checked.

"Seahawk fell out a window but I put him on the ground. He's fine." Glimmer explained as she placed her hand on Adora, who much to her chagrin felt herself stiffen. She worked hard to push the feeling of past hands from her mind.

"Adora, what's wrong?" Bow said, "You can talk to us about anything."

Bow had a smile on his face, genuine and full of that Bow brightness. At the moment his brightness was blinding.

"Why don't we got to my room so I can clean up, you can talk somewhere more private?" Glimmer suggested with a tired expression.

"No," Was all Adora said. Her ears were still ringing with Catra's shouts, so many years ago. And her nerves were shredded.

"Come on Adora. We care about you." Bow reached out to touch her and Adora flailed widely, why did they keep doing that?

"Adora please," Glimmer said, "Whatever happened we're safe now. Let us help you." Glimmer said.

"Leave me alone," Adora said feeling like a cornered animal.

"Okay. Come find us when you're ready to talk, or just to relax," Glimmer said backing up with her hands help up. Bow copied the motion.

Adora just ran. Move the tension out, second best to punching things.

A large adult horde soldier stood above her in the sparring ring. She was only 10 and this felt thoroughly unfair. But failure was never allowed. Shadow Weaver said she had to right? And Adora couldn't disappoint her without getting her angry and making her hurt everybody. But Adora wasn't ready for this fight. Fear encapsulated freezing her to the spot.

She was flung back with the feeling of shattering bone and was seeing stars. A metallic taste hit her lips.

"That all you can take" A gruff voice sounded, he just looked like a shadow now. All she could remember was the red fluid on her hands and the all-consuming headache.

Time blurred and Adora sat on the bunk Catra holding a rage up to her face. Blood was pouring from her nose she was vibrating with the pain and tension. Catra was staring back with concern.

"You usually patch me up" Catra half-joked

Adora came back to the present with her back against a wall. She tried to calm down. Breathing deep shaking her head to rid herself of the memory. In what seemed like a long time she was curled on a bed, sobbing silently as she had done for years.

Adora hid after that for the majority of three days. Glimmer and Bow kept trying to talk to her but Adora didn't want or know how to talk. And it was hard when they tried to hug her or just lay a hand on her she tensed up. The affectionate touch was more disturbing than punching. All she could think of was the way Shadow Weaver used any kind touch as manipulation. They ended up stopping and giving her space. It was nice to be given some space, but the way they back up and look at her made her feel like a feral cat, how ironic apparently she had learned another thing from Catra.

These stupid freakouts were awful. She was used to being the odd one out and jumping at literal shadows, nightmares but this was worse. It had happened when she was She-Ra training, in a hallway, when she heard the Queen and Glimmer yelling. It was like a dam broke and nothing she did could stop her from being thrown back in time.

Adora almost walked into Bow and he quickly threw his hands up and stepped away. It wasn't a fear response though his face was turned up in concern. It honestly was much worse.

"You coming to meet with the other princesses?" Bow asked still holding his hands up.

"Umm right yes that is what I am doing," Adora said awkwardly. Turning to follow Bow Adora took a long breath.

The meeting was long and she was antsy. Everyone around her seemed to have noticed she was cracking up. They followed Bow and Glimmer's new habit of keeping their hands in view and away. But they mentioned nothing, queen Angela was the worst, she had the age thing so her concern was more pity than anything else. She was just a broken Horde soldier nothing more.

Forsta seemed to not get that they were doing this without saying anything. They went to do some training together and Frosta loudly asked Glimmer, "Will Adora be okay or is she to out of it to do this kind of stuff?"

"Frosta shh," Glimmer said, with only slightly better volume control.

Adora brought her head down and shoulders graced her ears. It hurt because she was thinking the same fucking thing. SHe didn't know.

Turns out the fighting was totally fine. They even reached harmony when combining. She-Ra did well to centre her a bit. Focusing was a bit easier as and panic was lowered. Not totally gone her fears inched through enough it could hit critical but not nearly as bad as normal Adora.

What it turned out wasn't good was when they were all supposed to be chilling. Mermista and Glimmer had started to fight about something Adora didn't remember, it wasn't bad at first she focused on a fizzy drink. But then they had to say something that sounded too much like something that had been said a few years back.

"You always have to have credit for things, you and Adora have to be the centre of attention," Mermista shouted.

And that sent a huge spike of guilt and fear run through her. She felt herself freeze up and pushed back into the wall she was leaning on. Then in what she was sure was meant to be a reassuring gesture Frosta leaned into her.

"It's fine Adora." She said but it might as well have been gibberish.

"You do always take the credit for stuff," A thirteen-year-old Catra said in between quite literally licking her wounds.

"I don't mean to, but I always do better in the trainer's eyes you know that. You kind of do it your own way, and you injured people. It pissed people off. But I do think you should get credit." Adora explained taking her boots off.

"Not that I need it. I don't care. But it wasn't explicitly against the rules and they know that!" Catra grumbled. " Lonnie's just mad I actually bested her. Kyle broke more rules."

Adora just hummed and Catra leaned on Adora letting out a soft noise. They only had a minute of peace when older cadets stood around Lonnie and her crew.

"You see Catra you are always getting into trouble. And no one will punish us, because nobody cares." A huge cadet said.

Adora clocked Lonnie's face turn into visceral horror along with Adora's.

Adora noticed they weren't giving either of them out. Adora curled herself around Catra as fists hurled at them.

A blur of pain and noise came over them then stopped. Adora uncurled and saw Shadow Weaver sanding over them.

Shadow Weaver letting out a long sigh. "You two really can't go anytime without getting into trouble."

"Sorry Shadow Weaver," Adora and Catra said together in small voices.

"You have to do better or you'll just keep making them do these things to you. You provoke and provoke and expect to get no consequences. Adora you have a future don't throw it away in petty mistakes. You just keep disappointing me."

Adora found herself curled up breathing heavily. Her eyes unfocused and saw who she was holding was a slightly dazed Frosta, her arms loosened and she leaned back.

"What the hell?" Mermista said, no venom in her tone just pure confusion.

"I'm sorry I didn't mean to anything wrong," Adora mumbled her brain confused between Glimmer's room and the barracks. "I'll do better, I swear"

"Adora you're home, your safe." Glimmers voice cut through the haze.

"I'm sorry," Adora said, "Sorry, Frosta I wasn't here."

"I know. I shouldn't have touched you Bow and Glimmer said it bothered you now." Frosta said still a bit confused.

"It shouldn't" Adora muttered.

"You're struggling no big deal." Mermista said, "We all struggle, a lot of crazy stuff has happened. We won't judge."

"Fighting is hard. It can make me feel anxious and stressed." Perfuma said with a soft smile.

"It's not just that. Being She-Ra is hard I'm scared of letting people down. But it's..." Adora trailed off words caught in her throat.

"Shadow Weaver." Glimmer said her voice knowing and sad.

Adora nodded.

"She works for the Horde, right? With Catra?" Mermista asked.

"Yeah. She-Raised me and Catra." Adora confirmed staring at the ground, "She wasn't a nice person. But I hate that it's doing this to me. I should be better than this, better than being this in front of people I'm meant to help."

"We're your friends." Bow said, "We help each other."

"But why does this happen," Adora asked desperately. "I've been here for what a year? And some of the memories are from years ago, some of them a really long time ago. But it's like it's all over again. I can hear them."

"Shadow Weaver hurt you. You told us she used her magic on you. I know that hurts. It's not something you forget" Glimmer said. "I've dreamed about it."

"She didn't use it on me, not often. But she made me watch her hurt Catra over and over. Always angry at me and I didn't even know why half the time! I don't mean to fuck up all the time. But I'm so stupid I don't even care about getting hit that was normal, sparing you know if I win then they care about me. But letting the other kids hit me around if I or Catra fuck up. But It's when you guys are nice, how fucked up is that?" Adora let out a humourless laugh.

No one said anything, so Adora continued. Might as well just let them know how broken she was. Then they could decide if she should still be on the team or whatever. Even if she was She-Ra.

"The only time she ever touched me kindly It was always after she reminded me how much I let her down, and she would always let me know I have to do everything right. It switches from kind and then it hurts when she grabbed me. And I just hear Catra crying in the background I see the flashing. I don't know how to put it back together. I'm tired of hearing it, I'm tired of feeling it."

Adora glanced up.

Perfuma had her hands covering her mouth, Bow was looking away. Frosta and Glimmer looked terribly sad. Even Mermista's usually bored expression was one of concern.

"Sorry I know, I just." Adora shook her head, "Why should you trust me if I'm like this."

"Hey," Glimmer said, "I'm your friend, we all are. We told you it's fine to be hurt. Being okay after that horrible women abused you like that, it's going to take time. I love you, that's okay and right now. Right now in this room, you are safe, we will help you to be okay I swear."

Adora hugged Glimmer and a single tear ran down her cheek But all she felt was safe in Glimmer's arms. Glimmer's no one else's.