Even at 17, Adrien Agreste was well aware of the fact that he was naïve to a lot of things in the world. Things that other guys his age were well versed in. Things to do with girls, being with boys and the like. Things that made him blush profusely when he considered what he'd like to say to his crush. Well, what Chat Noir would like to whisper in Ladybug's ear at the perfect moment.

Flirting didn't work, but what about downright talking dirty? Would she be into that if they had a moment in the darkness together while on patrol? His imagination had run wild with the idea. In reality it would probably never happen, but Adrien liked to be prepared. He'd been given a Kindle reader some months ago for his birthday and had been busy downloading a heap of trashy romance novels in the hope of boosting his repartee of potential dirty talk.

Yet some of the language, metaphors and similes had seemed awkward and perhaps a little strange. Being a star student, Adrien had made a list of those things he wasn't sure of. But who could he possibly ask about it? There was no way he was telling Nino. His bestie would give him hell and probably tease him to the end of days. Chloe would assume he was trying to seduce her – so he was not even going there. Kagami would probably react in a mix of the prior mentioned buddies' responses. Alya would want to blog about it. While Marinette would blush as dark as an overripe tomato and stutter worse than normal.

At that last thought, Adrien froze and his green eyes narrowed. Marinette would be embarrassed by him talking that way. But what about Chat Noir? They'd developed an easy-going relationship over the years, joking and teasing each other about nonsense. Heck, Chat Noir used her as a sounding board for some of his crazier ideas to woo Ladybug. She usually just shook her head good-naturedly and told him not to bother, so this wasn't something out of the blue.

Glancing at his kwami, Adrien decided that it was best not to discuss this with Plagg. The tiny god of destruction would merely point out the merits of loving cheese instead. So, Adrien recited the words for his transformation and became Chat Noir. From there he picked up his notebook of 'Dirty Talk Questions' or DTQ for short and rushed out his window.

Anxiety ate at him as he travelled, yet Chat Noir needed answers. There would be nothing worse than trying to charm his lady love only to have her laugh in his face or be horrified at what he was suggesting. Although Chat Noir fully expected that she'd probably slap his masked face. Mentally shaking away that unwanted thought, the feline hero landed upon Marinette's balcony with a quiet thud.

To his surprise, Marinette was peering up at him from her bed beneath the skylight, giving him a perplexed frown. She looked to her bare wrist as if consulting the time and tapped her arm. "It's not Friday," she exclaimed as he opened the window.

"I know, it's Saturday night and you've probably got plans but I wanted to pick your brain."

Dark eyebrows lifted high as Marinette put down her textbook and stared at him. "What do you want to know?"

The heat of a blush practically set Chat Noir's cheeks on fire. "It's kind of… embarrassing."

Marinette shifted to her knees, cocking her head to the side to study him. "O-kay. Should you be talking to me?"

Chat Noir shrugged while his cat ears pulled back in earnest. "Well, um, I can't really think of anyone else I could talk to." He rubbed at his nape. "At least not without them laughing at me."

A touch of sympathy relaxed Marinette's features. "You can talk to me about anything, Chat." Her spine shot straight as she turned serious, "Except your identity."

"I know. It's not about that. As for the talking about anything, you may change your mind…" But Chat Noir slunk his way inside and sat beside Marinette before she could close the window and shut him out.

With palms sweating beneath his gloves, Chat Noir pulled out his DTQ book and pursed his lips. "So…" his blush grew darker as his teeth worried his bottom lip and his tail twitched, "…I've been doing some research. Wait. Let me start at the beginning." The lip chewing grew fierce as he swallowed hard. "I've had a fairly sheltered upbringing."

One of Marinette's eyebrows quirked but she said nothing as she waited for him to continue.

"While I flirt a lot with Ladybug, I haven't had much experience with girls."

The staring continued.

"What I'm trying to say is that, I want to know what's inappropriate to say to a girl I want to… you know."

They stared at each other for a long minute before Marinette offered, "Date?"

"Yes," he said with an awkward nod.

"Right," she sighed, sounding relieved.

"Anyway, I've been doing a lot of reading of romance novels that women tend to like. Trying to understand what they want a guy to say to them about… certain interactions. Some of the things listed were, shall we say, educational but no necessarily something I think a girl would want to hear. I guess I wanted to run them by someone else to get their viewpoint."

This time it was Marinette who was gnawing at her bottom lip. "Are we talking…" she dropped her voice to a whisper, "…about sex?"

Chat Noir waved both hands between them frantically. "No. Well, not exactly, more like talking dirty."

"About sex."

"Um, yeah."

"And you thought me your best option?"

Her sceptical expression had him rambling. "Yes, you're understanding and wouldn't laugh at me. Plus, you know I'm a goofball and a dork. You know that I mean this in the sincerest way and not to be a complete sleaze."

Marinette crossed her arms and gave him a knowing look. "Are you trying to impress Ladybug?"

"Maybe."

"Then I'd suggest foregoing whatever plan it is you have in mind."

A frustrated growl hissed through his teeth. "Marinette, I'm serious. Some of this stuff, it's… I don't know. Just seems unrealistic or beyond weird or just… laughable."

"Laughable, now that I'll listen to."

"Okay," Chat Noir said while crossing his legs and draping his tail across his lap. He opened the book and cleared his throat. "Here are some of the things I've read which I think sound ridiculous but maybe I'm wrong. Tell me if, as a woman, you find them alluring."

A smirk graced Marinette's lips, "Hit me."

"Do women actually refer to their vagina as their feminine core?"

Marinette snorted and slapped her hand over her mouth. "Um, no. No, we don't."

Chat Noir pulled the pencil from the spiral binding and crossed that one out. "Good to know. On the flip side, let's move to the male genitalia, would you ever refer to his appendage as his member?"

"No," Marinette said while trying to compress the laughter determined to escape.

"Fantastic, there were far too many puns that came to mind with that one. Like does he get a membership card to gain entry to, well, you get the idea." Chat glanced at Marinette and they both sniggered. "Almost as lame as a man card."

"Oh, I thought man cards were legit."

Chat Noir rolled his eyes. "So naïve, urban myth."

"Says the guy wanting tips on dirty talk."

"Quiet, I have more questions." They both glanced at each other and snorted with amusement. "Do women expect men to have dicks the size of baseball bats? Because honestly, that would be uncomfortable. I mean, can you imagine trying to pee with a dick that long?"

By this stage Marinette was in hysterics. "No, no I can't. Never had that problem."

"And trying to fit it in your underpants, or jeans. Heck, in this suit I'd look like I was trying to hide a mutant cucumber in my pants. Except for when it's cold, then it would shrink." He glanced at Marinette and she picked up her pillow trying to stifle her laughter. "I'll take that as no, you don't envision a guy having that big of a dick."

Marinette gave him a thumbs up since her ability to speak was rendered useless as she tried to keep breathing between laughs.

"The next question is pretty much answered by that last one…"

"What was it?" she managed to utter.

"Would said oversized dick be considered a turn off because the woman would quote: 'fear it was so big that it would come out her mouth when he thrust into her pussy' unquote."

"What the hell?"

"My thoughts exactly. Not physically possible and just plain gross."

"Agreed. What the heck have you been reading?"

"I can give you a list."

Marinette shook her head. "On second thought, please don't. Next question."

Chat Noir turned the page and cleared his throat. "Descriptors of an erection. Now these ones I thought off-putting, let me know if I'm wrong. Firstly, him being so hard it was like it was petrified. You know, like stone."

"That's terrible. No one wrote that, surely."

"They did." Chat Noir sniggered, "Allow me to go on. It was also trophy-worthy."

She burst out laughing. "What'd they put on the plaque?"

"No idea, perhaps: Winner of the most magnificent member ever beheld."

"You've been reading too much of this shit."

"I have. I certainly have," Chat Noir nodded, "It could also be aggressively proud."

"Not that I've had any real experience in this sort of thing but how can an erection be aggressive or proud?"

Chat Noir shrugged, "It won a trophy?"

Again, they broke out into a fit of giggles.

"Next up, lady part descriptors."

"Oh God," Marinette said while shaking her head.

"Let's start with breasts." By now Chat Noir was over blushing, he was simply red in the face from laughing so hard. "Personally, I'm not a fan of fun bags or puppies or peach coloured globes peaked with cherry nipples."

"No one in their right mind wrote that, please." Marinette urged but Chat Noir merely nodded. Letting out an exasperated groan, she added. "I am not a fan either."

"Thank goodness. Then we go on to female arousal." This time Chat Noir's face was red from embarrassment. "I have to admit my experience in this area is seriously lacking." Swallowing down the lump in his throat, he began. "She was so wet, it felt as though Niagara Falls was between her legs."

"Good grief, sounds like her lover needs to bring an inflatable dingy."

Green eyes looked at her critically. "No truth to that one?"

"I should hope not. She'd probably drown not only her partner but also her gynaecologist."

Chat Noir nodded. "Point taken. I'll cancel my order for a life raft."

"I hope you're joking."

"I am," he grinned. "Onto the next one. Still on the topic of, um, lady juices. He wanted to lick the honey from her cunt."

"Firstly, I hate that last word. It sounds derogatory not sexy. As for honey, um, maybe for some chicks but usually the term used with a food-like nature is cream."

Chat Noir gave his masked eyebrows a wiggle. "And cat's love cream."

Marinette slapped his shoulder. "I knew you'd say that."

"Got a reaction, I'm saying that one's a go."

She rolled her eyes. "Whatever."

"Lastly, we have compliments and suggestive statements." Chat Noir drew a deep breath as he met her eyes before glancing back at the page. "You have the most beautiful pussy I've ever seen."

Blue eyes blinked slowly as she frowned. "I can't say I've studied my own privates, or any other girls for that matter, but I wouldn't consider down there pretty let alone beautiful."

Chat Noir's human ears were burning and he was thankful for his blonde locks covering them. Although his face was probably just as red. "I want to fuck you into next week."

"Um, wow. Direct. That could work but to me fucking is kind of meaningless. As in the person saying it just wants sex, no connection or intimacy. For that, I'd much prefer: I want to make love to you until you can't see straight."

The room had gotten extremely hot. Chat Noir wanted to pull at his collar or fan his face with his hand. Marinette suddenly seemed far too close. She was a friend, just a friend. He had to remind himself of this. Right now, this discussion was for research purposes only. Not to cause his heartrate to spike or his nether regions to get excited.

Lowering the notebook to his lap, to cover said growing excitement, Chat Noir drew in a deep breath. "That's all I had. Thanks for clearing it up."

There was a throatiness to Marinette's voice which was far too alluring. "No problem. Anytime."

Glancing back at the page, Chat Noir's masked eyes widened. "Oh wait, I missed one. About libido being referred to as her inner goddess."

"Seriously?"

"My thoughts, exactly." And it lightened the intense mood which had settled between them.

"You need to read some classy romance novels." She suggested.

"Do you have a list?" he prompted with a grin.

"I might."

Chat Noir turned to a blank page in his book, ripped it out and scribbled down his email address then folded the paper in half. "You can send them to that address."

Spinning so his back was to her, and so the larger than usual bulge in his pants was hidden, Chat Noir stood and opened the skylight. He grinned at Marinette's gasp.

"This is not your email address!"

Glancing over his shoulder, Chat Noir smirked. "Who says it's not?"

"It's Adrien Agreste's email!"

The feline hero shrugged, "Send him the list anyway. He might appreciate it."

"You… you, alley cat!"

Chat Noir merely sniggered as he was slapped on the ass when he climbed out onto her balcony. No doubt she meant to slap him elsewhere but he didn't care. Dropping down to lean his head through her skylight he smirked. "Go on, send the list to Adrien. I dare you!"

"No way!" she practically snarled.

The superhero merely laughed. "Too timid, princess?"

She huffed and placed her fisted hands on her hips. "No, but I doubt Adrien would appreciate the gesture."

At that Chat Noir's teeth flashed with the widening of his smile. He bopped her on the tip of her nose with his index finger. "Then I don't think you know Adrien half as well as you think you do."

"Insufferable cat!"

"Salacious girl. Slapping a superhero on the ass. Who would have thought? Until next time Marinette." And with that, Chat Noir leapt away before Marinette could clonk him on the head with her textbook. He'd gotten what he came for, the question was, would Adrien get the list he was hoping for?

Okay now, I've got a question for you. What are some of the worst descriptors you've ever read in a romance novel? Send them via the review section below and I just might add them into a second chapter. I figure it's only fair that Marinette flings some back at Chat Noir later.

As always, thanks for reading. This was intended to be a one shot but I'm thinking it could at least be a two shot. Cheers :)