Chapter 3: Real Truths and Hard Reactions

Squall poured himself into work for the rest of the day. Prior, he'd been merely putting up with it, but dedicating himself fully to everything that needed to be done was far better than dwelling on the conversation he'd had with Rinoa. He'd read every report and listened to every word about the status of Garden. Selphie had gotten her team together for Trabia and so he'd reviewed every candidate she'd proposed. All the students were accounted for by the end of the day, Quistis had said, so things could resume as normal. Did he want the Galbadian students that had snuck on board during the battle to be reviewed for classes? Yes. Survey all of them and figure out what they wanted to do. They didn't have enough stores to leave that day, but Xu and Nida had arranged with FH to have everything the needed delivered the following morning. Which would make it possible for them to head out to Trabia by early afternoon.

Great. Wonderful. Perfect.

He'd received an email from General Caraway, who wanted to talk to him privately at his earliest convenience. What was the current political landscape of Galbadia? Where did Caraway stand in all that? (Was this about Rinoa?) He needed all that information as soon as possible.

Resistance factions in Timber and Dollet were gathering? Great. He needed as much intel as he could get on that too.

There was an email from Kiros? Esthar was having difficulty dealing with the aftermath of the Lunar Cry? Fine, get a team of SeeDs together and brief them for a long mission in Esthar before they left FH. Esthar was willing to pay generously, after all, and it was more convenient for the team to head off from FH than from Trabia.

Another email from Trabia asking about supplies. He told them they were on their way.

It was one thing after another after another. Long after he'd sent Quists and Xu from his office and long after Cid had quietly vacated, he was still staring at his computer, drafting email replies and sending them off, only for more to come flitting into his inbox.

It was dark, the stars outside the grand windows behind him twinkling as he typed away. There was a lamp on his desk that Cid had switched on as he'd left, but aside from that and his monitor, there was no other light source in the office.

He could feel the way his eyes were straining as he kept working. He was tired—he'd been tired when he'd woken up that morning. But there was so much to do and so much that he didn't want to be left thinking about.

Yet no matter his efforts and the amount of work to be done, he still found himself coming to a jarringly abrupt halt when yet another email came popping into his inbox.

It wasn't wrapped up in the official jargon that all the other Estharian emails he'd dealt with that day had been, but it was nonetheless clearly from Esthar. . Subject: Personal Matters—Laguna Loire.

Closing his eyes, Squall rubbed at his temples and took a few moments to steady his breathing, even if his heart had been beating at a record rate all day. It'd been the rhythm that had kept him going, the constant throbbing inside his veins. Still it was echoing inside him, making his fingers tingle and his legs feel like jello. Shaky and tired in a way he hadn't felt in a long, long time. He was a SeeD, after all—he'd been trained not to succumb to his nerves.

He looked again at the email, heart hiccupping at the sight of it. Clearly, it was from the president of Esthar. He had a responsibility to open it.

But he really, really didn't want to, even if the curiosity in the back of his thoughts was slowly rising up from a deep slumber that he'd never thought it'd wake from again.

No. No, no, no, he needed to be doing literally anything else but looking at that email.

Shoving himself away from the desk, he stood, momentarily deciding that any work that needed doing on the computer was fine to wait for a while. Instead, he paced back to the window, staring out at the stars while the ocean lapped at the Garden's base below.

Great view, but not nearly distracting enough.

Turning away, he glanced again at the computer before tearing himself away and walking across the office. To the tall double doors on the left, which he knew led into Cid's old quarters. He hadn't been inside yet, but it seemed just as good a time as any to investigate. Touching the pad on the right, the doors slid to either side, opening without any fuss. While inside, the lights flicked on, revealing the room in its entirety.

He half expected it to be full of Cid's things, whatever those things might have been. But it was actually quite barren. Spacious, but… empty.

There was a large bed to his direct right, the shelves that lined the wall and went around the corner completely bare. Tall windows started just a little off the corner of the bed, stretching up and down the length of the wall and leading all the way around the far side of the room, which was circular in shape (no corner). A few couches and some coffee tables were set up beneath the shadow of the windows, as if Squall was expected to have guests or something.

On the left side there was a small kitchenette, which was equally as bare as everything else. Down from that and closer to him was another door, which he suspected led into a bathroom.

All that aside, there was… nothing. It felt less like it was new and more like someone had just packed up all their stuff and left. A furnished apartment that he'd never hope to fill with his own few belongings.

Really, it was altogether too big. Much bigger than any room he'd ever lived in during the entirety of his life. And there was so much empty space between the bed and the couches and the kitchenette. Perhaps a dining table was meant to go somewhere, and maybe more… stuff? What stuff?

He didn't have any stuff.

Sighing, he spared the room only another quick look around before he dragged himself to the bed. He eyed it for a second, noting that the sheets looked fresh, before he gave in and sat down on the edge.

It was so large—clearly meant for more than one person.

Zell had suggested he invite Rinoa to come live there with him. Which was a thought, but also left him rather… red with embarrassment. And so then he felt childish and stupid, because he was Balamb Garden's commander and he'd just spent the entire day making all kinds of big, important decisions, only to sit down on a bed that didn't really feel like his own and get flustered over the idea of a girl sleeping nearby.

How was it that he could feel incredibly old and altogether too young all at once?

Slipping his boots off his feet, he left them lying beside the bed. He slid off his gunblade and jacket next, wondering if perhaps he should put them away somewhere. But he had no idea where yet and so decided to just leave them on the floor beside his boots.

Pulling himself into the bed, he laid out flat and stared up at the ceiling. An unfamiliar ceiling.

He didn't even feel like himself anymore. All of a sudden, people were expecting him to give the orders, but all he'd ever done was take orders. No, he didn't always follow them, and sure, he'd occasionally take matters into his own hands when the time called for it, but that wasn't the same as just…

Ugh, the whole thing was just too complicated to think about. It was like he'd been thrust into this without a choice. Everyone just expected him to do well, despite the fact that he apparently hadn't been paying attention when everyone had decided he was the one qualified to take on the world and all its issues. One moment he'd been a rookie SeeD and the next he was sleeping in Headmaster Cid's old bed.

How had this even happened?

Was this how Laguna had ended up as president of Esthar?

Cursing himself for even thinking about the man, Squall turned over onto his side and pulled his knees up in front of his stomach. He didn't want to be thinking about Laguna. What he should be doing is sleeping, if he wasn't going to be working.

Yet he didn't feel the least bit tired despite it being well-past midnight. He was just too anxious and jittery and his thoughts were running too quickly through his brain. Which he hated, because he knew this feeling well. Mostly, it meant he was going to be tired, because the odds of him getting any sleep were slim to none.

So maybe he should go back to work. But that email was still there.

The email from Laguna about "Personal Matters."

Which he shouldn't be so afraid to read, really, because it didn't matter what ridiculous idea Rinoa and Irvine had concocted, none of it held any validity. He wasn't sure how anyone could come to the conclusion they had, really. Especially after having met both him and President Loire.

They had absolutely nothing in common. Laguna was an idiot, plain and simple.

While Squall…

Well, maybe he was a bit of an idiot sometimes too, but not in the same way Laguna was an idiot. Laguna was always coming up with these harebrained ideas and saying stupid things and getting into all kinds of trouble. Like becoming president of Esthar for hyne's sake. While Squall, well, he didn't have much in the way of ideas because he wasn't qualified to have ideas. And if he did have ideas, they'd probably be bad ones (like Laguna's. Wait, no). And he never said stupid things because he rarely said things in general, so that put a cap on that. And all the trouble he got into was because someone was ordering him into it. Kind of.

Well… maybe some of it was his own fault too.

No! He didn't have anything in common with Laguna aside from the fact that they'd both been put up in positions neither were in any way qualified to be in. That was where the similarities ended.

Laguna was this daft, incredibly optimistic airhead and Squall was definitely neither of those things. He was never optimistic and if he did sometimes have stupid ideas, he certainly didn't voice them out loud.

And the differences hardly ended there. Laguna was, well, he was upbeat and likable and generally pleasant to be around, if not annoying and talkative. While Squall was basically the opposite. He was stern and serious and people didn't like being around him. And he definitely wasn't talkative, even if Rinoa sometimes said that made him annoying in his own way. They were on completely different poles as far as personality.

Squall owned that. He knew he was no fun to be around and that people didn't like him as a result. He'd embraced and crafted that part of himself for years, deciding a long time ago that if people didn't want to be around him, all the better. Distance was best. And while that mentality had fallen a bit to wayside of late—what with all these people deciding they were his friends and him not minding—that didn't change any of it.

Right? Nobody liked him. End of story.

Except that, for some reason, people did like him. Because he had friends now and students were glad he was taking over and excited and they respected him and he didn't understand a bit of it. But maybe someone who could admit they were cold and mean wasn't really as cold and mean as they thought they were.

Who was he kidding? He wasn't cold, that's just what he wanted people to think. When all the other kids at the orphanage had forgotten about Elle, he'd hung on like a lovesick puppy, constantly heartbroken no matter how his child-brain had reasoned the situation. He was sensitive and emotional and he always had been and now there was so much pressure and stress and…

And he hadn't felt this overwhelmed in a long, long time. It was like he was constantly snowballing downhill and there was no end in sight. Become a SeeD, assassinate the sorceress, escape prison, save Garden, take over, war, Rinoa, space, Esthar, go through time, fight another sorceress, fix the world. Sometimes he felt like he hardly had enough time to breathe. It just kept piling and piling and he just…

Swallowing hard, he blinked some against the swell of emotions that was threatening to overcome him.

How was he supposed to handle all of this? Why had Cid decided that he was the right one for this job? After all, the headmaster had to know better. He'd watched Squall grow up, just like every other orphan that had been drafted into Garden because they'd had nowhere else to go. He'd had plenty of issues growing up. Always fighting with Seifer, getting hurt, crying in the infirmary and getting angry when other people tried to talk to him. He'd hardly been a good kid. He'd been explosive where Seifer had been temperamental, and he'd been just as much of a crybaby as Zell. Anti-social, mean.

Angry at the world.

(Or so he was gradually remembering, since he'd started removing his GFs when he wasn't immanently threatened by battle.)

Hyne, he'd been so angry all the time. Angry that this was his life, that he'd had no choice in any of it. Frustrated that he hadn't known how to relate to people, so he'd just pushed them away. Infuriated that every other orphan had known who their parents were and how they'd died, while he hadn't even had that. A sad way to measure yourself against others, but a fact of his existence nonetheless.

Of course he'd tried to look for his family. When he'd been old enough to comprehend such a thing, he'd looked through his own files. He'd looked through Galbadian records and attempted to trace his name and even checked archives with surnames even moderately similar to his own. But he'd found nothing.

Which was what he'd lived with his whole life.

Nothing.

If that was all his existence amounted to, then he'd been determined to be nothing. He'd be close to no one and just do as he was told. Alone. Clearly whatever family he'd come from hadn't viewed him any differently, else he'd have found even something on who he was or where he'd come from. But maybe like him, they'd been nothing too.

Not worth it. Not worth a single thought in anyone else's head.

Well, that hadn't worked out, so now he was stuck wondering why everyone thought he was worth enough to follow when he knew for a fact that he was nothing. What did Rinoa even see in him? And who was he to entertain that maybe, after all these years, he wasn't as alone as he'd thought?

Because Laguna couldn't be… It just wasn't possible.

And even if it was, so what? Clearly, Laguna didn't want anything to do with him. He hadn't gone looking for him. Not like he had Ellone.

Not that any of it made a difference. It was too long too late. Squall was exactly the kind of person that Laguna wouldn't have wanted his child to become.

Just the thought had Squall squinting his eyes closed in pain. Shifting, he turned over onto his other side and pulled his knees up into his chest.

Laguna was this ray of annoyingly bright light and Squall was a dingy shadow in comparison. No, he didn't like Laguna (he didn't!), so he certainly didn't care what the other man thought of him. Which was for the best, because he was likely the only person on the entire planet that Laguna wouldn't be able to like.

Which was fine. Squall wasn't looking for validation from some ridiculous, sandal-wearing president that definitely wasn't related to him.

He didn't need Laguna. He'd gotten through life just fine without him and that wasn't likely to change anytime soon.

And who was he even kidding, thinking so hard about it? Fact was, none of this mattered because none of what Irvine and Rinoa were going on about was true!

It was fine if Laguna disliked him. Laguna could hate him and it didn't matter. He was the president of Esthar and Squall was the Commander of Garden. The extent of their relationship was professional, as it should be.

Which meant that whatever Laguna had to say about "Personal Matters" was, at best, ridiculous because Laguna was ridiculous and, at worst, wholly inappropriate. Which only irritated Squall, because he had plenty of better things to do than worry about whatever personal issues Laguna had decided to share with him.

He had his own personal problems to deal with! He didn't want to be dealing with anyone else's! There was his job and Rinoa and his own ineptitude when it came to relationships. He and Rinoa had fought that very day! For all he knew, she was catching a clue that he wasn't worth her time (a voice in the back of his head whispered against such a thing, but he ignored it for the time being). Yet this idiotic president, who had no business being the president of anything, thought it was okay to send him an email with the subject "Personal Matters."

It was infuriating, really.

Sitting up, Squall fumed for a second before throwing his legs over the side of the bed and shoving himself to his feet. Marching back out into his office, he stared for a moment down at his computer, which had gone to sleep, before he slammed himself down into his chair and clicked the mouse in order to wake up the system.

It blinked back on within the moment, revealing his inbox and that email from Laguna still bolded underneath a few more emails he'd received while he'd been mulling things over.

He wanted to give Laguna a piece of his mind. Tell him off, even. He was the one out of line, emailing Squall about personal stuff when they were in no way on personal terms with each other. They weren't friends. They hardly knew each other and what Squall did know of Laguna he'd learned wholly against his will.

Yet even with this argument in mind, he hesitated as he brought his cursor over and allowed it to hover atop Laguna's email. He knew he was being stupid and that he shouldn't be taking anything Rinoa or Irvine said seriously. That he'd let the whole idea run away with him without any proof or reason made that perfectly clear.

Clicking on this email and reading it shouldn't be difficult. It didn't matter. None of it did.

Just open it!

Unknowingly holding his breath, Squall finally found the gumption to click on the email, finding himself quite ashamed of his behavior as soon as the deed was done. He could face a sorceress time and again, but he couldn't read a stupid email from Laguna?

Maybe he really did need to get some sleep.

Yet, even with this reasoning, he found his heart skipping a beat as he finally turned his attention to reading:

Heya, Squall! (Or would you prefer Commander Leonhart? I don't really know what you'd like me to call you. You've been in my head after all, so that's pretty personal, but I wouldn't want to assume we're friends or anything. Also, I'm a lot older than you, obviously, so the whole thing might be kind of weird all around. Anyway!)

Just seeing Laguna's normal string of idiocy—even written out—was calming Squall's nerves considerably.

Hope I'm not interrupting anything important, you being in charge of Garden and all that. I heard that you were promoted pretty recently to Commander. You know, through the grapevine and the gossip trains and all that. I just wanted to offer you congratulations! It's a bit late, but better late than never, right? Anyway, I support you 100%, always. Just so you know!

I'm not sending you this email about any sort of official business or anything like that. Don't think it's an emergency or anything! Everything's fine here. Well, aside from the monsters and the general destruction of the city and all the causalities, but we'll get through it, for sure! Nice of you to agree to send so many SeeDs too, that'll be a big help. If they're even a fraction as skilled as you and your friends, they'll have Esthar cleaned up in no time!

Anyway, like I said, this email isn't about anything important. I just wanted to check in with you. Make sure everything over on your end is going good. Is it going good? It can't be going that badly I suppose—it's only been about a week since we saw each other last. But if you need anything, feel free to let me know. I was in a similar position once, becoming president of Esthar and all without much warning, so I definitely have a lot of experience winging this sort of thing. Not that I wing things at my job regularly. At least not anymore, HA! It all becomes quite dull after a while, you'll see. You've got lots of help besides.

How are all your friends? And Rinoa? Is she doing alright after everything that's happened? Odine seemed a bit concerned, what with her having taken on so much power from so many sorceresses. But I told him that if anything was amiss, you'd have gotten in contact with us (with Odine more specifically, is what I meant). She seems like a nice girl. I'd like to get to know her a little better, seeing as she's a sorceress and all. Not that I'm afraid she's going to do anything bad or something, but, you know, can't hurt to stay on good terms. You should bring her around to the city once. Or twice. Or often. You and her and us could get together some. Besides, it'd probably be good for our international interests if we were seen getting along, don't you think?

But you're probably very busy of course, so don't be in any sort of rush or anything on my behalf. Don't want to intrude, you know. Just trying to be friendly! Which I suppose you might not be the type to appreciate. Which is totally fine! You don't have to reply to this email, even. I won't take any offense to that as President, I promise.

Well, in any case, that's about it! Again, hope everything is going well and it'd be great to hear from you!

- Laguna Loire

The contents of the email weren't exactly what Squall was expecting. He wasn't sure what he'd been expecting, really. Yet as he read it a second time, he supposed he couldn't claim to be surprised. And as he read it a third time, and a fourth time—and then a fifth time—he gradually realized what it was that kept inspiring him to read again.

That was, the rising disappointment slowly welling up inside his chest.

Maybe he had been expecting something more from the email. Perhaps Irvine and Rinoa had put ridiculous ideas in his head that he now found were leading him to hopes he'd told himself from the beginning were pointless.

What had he wanted to find? Some kind of confession that Laguna was everything he'd never thought he'd find?

Yeah, right. Besides, he didn't want Laguna to be his—

To be…

He didn't need Laguna to be his father. He didn't need a father, period.

Sure, it'd be nice to know where he came from and maybe why he'd ended up an orphan, but he'd made peace with the whole situation a long time ago.

He had…

"Damn it all," Squall muttered to himself, clenching his fists atop the desk as he ripped his gaze from the computer. Closing his eyes, he took a few deep breaths and pushed back on the distress that was scraping at his throat. He swallowed it, shoving it back down and closing it up where it belonged.

Now he was the one being inappropriately ridiculous.

Taking the few minutes he apparently needed to compose himself, he didn't return his attention to the email until he was certain he could remain wholly composed, not even a sliver of emotion able to escape.

And so, with a deep breath, he read the email a sixth time and decided that he'd better reply. Laguna had said he didn't have to, but be that as it may, Laguna was the president of Esthar and not even Squall was socially inept enough to assume forgoing a reply would be appropriate.

But what did he even say?

He spent a lot of time then, drafting a reply that he ultimately didn't really like, but supposed would have to do:

President Loire,

Squall or Commander Leonhart is fine—I don't have a preference when it comes to how I'd prefer you refer to me.

While I am busy, I wouldn't consider an email from the President of Esthar any kind of untoward interruption, no matter the context. And thank you for the congratulations. Your support is very much appreciated.

The SeeDs you requested should be headed your way by tomorrow. If there's any further aid that you require, don't hesitate to say so. While I can't spare all of Garden's SeeDs, we will do any and all we can to support in Esthar's recovery.

Everything here is going as well as to be expected given all that's happened. I appreciate your offer of assistance and will keep it in mind for the future.

Everyone involved in the time-compression mission is recovering well, Sorceress Rinoa included. She doesn't seem to be suffering any ill-effects, but I'll pass on your concern nonetheless. And we'll be sure to contact Dr. Odine if anything unexpected arises. As far as visiting Esthar, arrangements can certainly be made. I'm sure I'll be meeting with many people in the future so rest assured I wouldn't do Esthar the insult of forgoing communications between us for long. There is still much to be dealt with all over the globe and I hope we can continue to be allies through it all.

Thank you again for contacting me—I'm sure we'll be seeing more of each other in the future.

- Commander Squall Leonhart

It was short and far more formal than Laguna's own email, but Squall wasn't sure what else there was to say. Certainly he had other things he'd like to say or ask or even subtly inquire into, but he wasn't any good at that sort of thing. Besides, he didn't want to unintentionally offend the president of Esthar by implying anything wholly insane.

No, this was fine. It was polite and inoffensive.

It was… appropriate.

Ignoring his own nerves, Squall sent the email on its way before spending a few moments trying to decide how to sort Laguna's email. He ultimately decided it'd just go in his personal folder, which he didn't have. So he made one and then moved Laguna's email into it. It sat and looked quite lonely in the folder all on its own, but Squall didn't really feel like mixing it up with everything else.

Deciding to move on, he contemplated whether or not he should try and go back to bed, before ultimately choosing to stay and work a bit longer. Based on the emails he was still receiving, others around the world were still at work, so why shouldn't he be?

Most of the emails yet waiting were Garden related—from instructors and such, and so he replied to some, but forwarded a good chunk to Quistis. Yes, Squall knew how to work hard, but he wasn't the type to try and take on everything. If there was something he felt Quistis or Xu or whoever could handle better than he could, he had no issues passing the baton.

He did not expect to get a response from Laguna during his sorting. Yet, that's exactly what happened.

Once again pausing to stare as the email slid into his inbox, he decided this time to ignore his nerves as best he could and just open it from the get-go:

Squall,

I'm so glad you replied! Short, but I didn't really expect any different. I know you're a no play, all business sort of guy, which I think sometimes others wish I was. But what can I say? Working all the time sure gets tiresome. You should make sure you take plenty of breaks. Why are you even still awake? I know why I'm awake—I couldn't sleep (too much on my mind!). But you really should be in bed. It's later here in Esthar than in FH (or earlier, depending on how you want to look at it), but it's still well into the time everyone should be sleeping.

"Then why are you emailing me?" Squall muttered to himself.

I'm so glad everything on your end is going well. I've been worrying myself sick over everything that's going on—about you and your friends and Rinoa and you—but it's a huge relief to know you've got things under control. Not that I didn't think you would, but, you know, I'm old and I worry about young people. I can't help it. Even if Ellone keeps telling me that you're perfectly capable of doing all the things you're doing. Because of course you are! You handled the time compression mission and everything so splendidly. I was very impressed, honestly. And very proud of you, if that's alright for me to say (you can tell me if it's not, I won't be offended, promise!).

Ellone has been telling me all about you. As much as she knows anyway. She says that whenever she used her powers with you and your friends, you were always the one that ended up in my head. So it's sort of nice, for me anyway, getting to know a little more about you. Like maybe we're even now, ha! Though, admittedly, Ellone doesn't know all that much about you as, you know, you are now that you're older. Obviously. How could she?

I'm so glad you're willing to come to Esthar. As I said, I realize you're very busy and very important. But if it is at all possible for us to get together in the near future, I think it'd be a good thing to do. We have a lot to discuss and I'm much better at these sorts of things in person.

Anyway! Thanks so much for getting back to me so quickly and I hope to hear again from you soon (but not too soon! Get some sleep!).

- Laguna

Squall was again stuck reading this email half a dozen times, sighing each time he finished as he tried to figure out what, exactly, Laguna was hoping for in response. Or what was appropriate. Or whatever. Frankly, Squall was even more stumped by this email than the last one, and so it took him even longer to formulate a response despite the fact that this reply was even shorter than the one before:

President Loire,

I'm flattered that you think so highly of me. Thank you.

If there's anything you feel you need to know about me, don't hesitate to ask. I would rather be transparent than allow any lingering questions about me or my character to cloud our interactions, Ellone's faith in my abilities aside.

As far as future discussions, I don't know that the near future is entirely possible, but I'll do my best to keep in contact with you otherwise. Until I can make my way east. We're headed to Trabia shortly, and I think I'll be caught up in Galbadia for some time following, but I'm sure we can arrange something after that.

Thank you again,

- Commander Squall Leonhart

He didn't hesitate in sending this one, though he did find that he was quite paranoid afterward. He couldn't help constantly looking at the top of his inbox, waiting for a response. And when he started to grow frustrated that no new emails were coming in, he had to sit back and reason that it was for the best. Laguna was right, really, he should be in bed.

Yes, he'd go to bed. He could check his email again in the morning.

Yet, even as he told himself as much, another email finally came slipping through.

Another email from Laguna.

Squall sighed:

Squall,

Anything I want to know about you? I want to know everything about you! Every tiny detail! Well, not everything, but anything you're willing to tell me. What's your favorite food? I'll be sure to have some available when you come and visit. Are you a morning person? Do you like cats or dogs more? How long did it take you to become a gunblade specialist? Do you like being a SeeD? What was growing up in the Garden like? Did you have a lot of fun there with all the other kids? I certainly hope you did! I can't imagine you didn't. I've only ever seen the Gardens from a distance, but they look like amazing places to grow up.

Are you allergic to peanuts? I'm allergic to peanuts. It's a very common allergy, or so Kiros tells me. I'm also allergic to strawberries. They make my throat swell right up until I suffocate. I accidentally ate one a few years ago and ended up in the hospital. The media was convinced someone had tried to poison me, but I really did eat it by mistake.

It's unfortunate that we won't be able to meet again sooner. I really, really would like to speak with you face to face about some things. It's not an emergency or anything, but I don't think it should wait too long either. I could come visit you even, if that would make it more possible for you. Not that I should leave Esthar right now, but I think I could spare a week or two if necessary. It's been a long time since I've been to Galbadia, after all.

Are you lactose intolerant? I get so sick when it comes to milk, it's embarrassing. I'm allergic to so many things, it's amazing I'm still alive.

Anyway! Hope to hear from you soon.

- Laguna

This was by far the most ridiculous of all the emails Laguna had sent him. Yet, even so, it unnerved Squall more than any of the previous messages. For a lot of reasons that had him pursing his lips.

Still, he formulated a reply, somewhat surprised that though he was… anxious, it was easier than his previous two:

President Loire,

I'm not sure I can provide you with every tiny detail, but I'll try to answer your questions as best I can: I don't really have a favorite food, sorry. I suppose I'm a morning person by default of my job. I've had very little interaction with cats and have only recently interacted much with Sorceress Rinoa's dog, so I can't say I have much of an opinion on either.

I trained for over seven years with a gunblade, having picked out my weapon specialization at ten years old—as most students on the combat track do. As far as being a SeeD, it's hard to say, as I don't think my experience as a SeeD is comparable to most at this point. It's definitely been eventful, in any case.

Growing up in the Garden is likely equitable to any other boarding school, aside from the mercenary training. I'm not sure what else you would like to know about it. As far as fun, that's not really what Garden is here to provide. We train elite mercenaries—fun isn't really a priority.

Yes, I'm also allergic to peanuts and strawberries, bearing similar reactions. But I'm allergic to a great many things, so this isn't so surprising in my case (lactose included).

I think it's probably best that we have any and all meetings in Esthar—I don't want you to have to deal with any international conflicts simply because you desired to speak with me. If there is an urgent matter, I'm more than willing to discuss it with you via email.

I hope this satisfies some of your curiosities,

- Commander Squall Leonhart

He wasn't exactly sure what to think of Laguna's questions, nor the apparent similarities the two of them shared. But Squall really was allergic to a great many things, so that could just be a coincidence, right? And what could Laguna possibly need to talk about that would warrant coming all the way to Galbadia to meet him?

Was that a reply already?

Slumping, Squall rubbed his temples as if trying to rub away his stress, before he opened the next email:

Squall,

Sounds like growing up in Garden maybe wasn't so fun after all. Though maybe I should have known that. Still, I'm sure you have some fond memories, which is what is worth holding on to, right?

I'm also allergic to everything. Ward has a special diet plan that he sets up for me just so I don't poison myself or eat something that lands me in the bathroom all day (something about it interfering with important meetings). It's a good thing I have them around to take care of me. I really am hopeless on my own. I joined the military right out of college, much to my parents' annoyance. So after they were done taking care of me, I had Kiros and Ward, and then Raine, and then Kiros and Ward again. Which is all probably for the best—I hate being alone most of the time. I'd probably go crawling back to my parents right now if I didn't have Kiros and Ward here to tell me how to take care of myself, ha!

I really think emailing you would be ill-advised as far as what we need to discuss. And I suppose you're right, it would be a bad idea for me to show up just anywhere, even if I was travelling under the radar. Unless I went directly to Balamb Garden. Would that be more amendable?

Let me know! Oh, and I've attached Kiros' list of everything I'm allergic to. We should compare!

- Laguna

Okay, so Squall really was stressing out now. Standing, he paced a bit around the office before returning to the email. Doing so did little to quell the way his heart was fluttering nauseously in his chest, nor did it do anything to alleviate the stress headache assaulting his thoughts.

Were Laguna's parents still alive, even then? Did the man have any other relatives? Siblings? Anything?

Oh hyne, this was too much. He was still getting ahead of himself.

What did Laguna want to talk to him about so badly?

Whatever! He'd just reply:

President Loire,

I make a habit of trying not to think about my childhood, if you really need to know.

Balamb Garden isn't going to be in any one location in the near future, so it would be difficult for you to come here directly.

- Commander Squall Leonhart

His response was rude. He knew it was. But he was getting really frustrated and angry and this whole thing was starting to get to him and he was running out of things to say! Yet, somehow, Laguna kept sending replies within minutes of getting his own:

Squall,

I'm sorry. I won't ask any more about your childhood if you don't want to talk about it. You don't have to tell me anything you don't want to. I'm not trying to pressure you or anything like that.

I'd be more than willing to meet you in the middle of the ocean, really, if it's all the same to you! It's no big deal to me, promise. Don't worry about me!

- Laguna

And so Squall replied, even as his thoughts spiraled:

President Loire,

I don't want you to come here. I want you to tell me why you're asking me all these questions and being so persistent in the first place.

- Squall

Squall,

Okay, that's fine. I'm sorry, I didn't mean to upset you. We can stop talking right now.

I really am sorry.

- Laguna

That doesn't tell me anything.

Squall, I don't think it's appropriate that we discuss anything over email. A lot can be misconstrued in emails. And I want to make sure you're in a… safe space when we're talking.

- Laguna

Well I'm definitely not in a "safe space" right now so you need to tell me because you're freaking me out and I don't think I can deal with any more stress in my life at the moment so you need to just tell me whatever it is you need to tell me.

Okay, okay, I'm sorry. This is all my fault. But it's alright, you don't need to be freaking out about anything. Just forget this whole conversation happened. I'll just stop emailing you until we can set up a place to talk, okay? You don't need to worry about me or anything else, I swear. Just forget this whole thing even happened. I don't want you to be stressing out about anything else, let alone me.

You don't have to respond to this email. It's okay.

- Laguna

That's not fair. You can't send all those emails and then back out when I want to know what the hell it is you're talking about. I have the right to know what your deal is and you can't just avoid it.

I'm not backing out or avoiding anything, Squall. I'll keep talking to you all night if that's what you want. I'm here, I promise.

- Laguna

Then tell me the truth.

I'm getting the impression you already know the truth.

- Laguna

No, I don't "know" anything. I've spent my whole life not "knowing" anything, so you need to just tell me the truth because if you don't, I don't know how I'm going to deal with any of this.

And don't act like you're here to support me or something. You were never here.

If I'd known about you, Squall, I would have left everything behind to find you. Ellone only told me about you after she came up to the Lunar Base. And Raine didn't say anything about being pregnant before I left—I don't think she knew at the time. If I had known, then I promise you things would have been very different.

- Laguna

It was a confession that did absolutely nothing to alleviate any of Squall's distress. In fact, it did the exact opposite. It left his throat dry and his whole body prickling with vague numbness. His breath started coming fast and the longer he stared at the email, the harder it was to concentrate.

But mostly he just felt… angry. And betrayed. And abandoned. All the feelings he'd wrestled with a child—and even a young teenager—were flaring back full force. What little logic he had that remained tried to argue that it wasn't Laguna's fault things had turned out this way. But that was quickly shoved aside by other, less sympathetic outlooks.

After all, Laguna was the one that abandoned his wife after finding Ellone. He sent Ellone back to Winhill on her own and then never went home again. Raine—his mother—died and Laguna wasn't there and she was alone and then Squall was shipped off with Ellone. Laguna had known that Raine was dead, that Ellone was sent to an orphanage. Why hadn't he gone looking for her? For them? He'd hunted Ellone all the way to Esthar once, so why hadn't he dropped everything to go after her again? If he had, if he'd done what a father should have done—because he'd basically adopted Ellone anyway—then he'd have found them! He'd been to Edea's orphanage once already looking for Ellone! But instead, he'd stayed in Esthar for eighteen years! Squall's entire life!

This whole time his father had been alive! Yet Squall had spent his whole life completely on his own, convinced he was alone and that no one had wanted him and that his existence had amounted to nothing in the eyes of whatever family he might have had.

He hated him. He'd never hated someone so much in his life! All those nights he'd spent crying in the orphanage, waiting for Ellone. Years spent in Garden, having no choice but to become a mercenary because it'd been the only future life had bothered to afford him. All those hours he'd spent trying to find his family. Only for Laguna to show up now, after Squall had finally made peace with the shit his life had been up till then. Just to throw a wrench into everything!

It was bullshit! It was complete and total shit!

You're so full of shit. You're the one who stayed in Esthar and never went back to your family. You went all over the world searching for Ellone the first time, but then you just left her after Raine died. If you'd even bothered to try and do the right thing, you'd have learned the truth. But you didn't. So you can take your apologies and go fuck yourself.

He didn't care that Laguna was the president of Esthar. He didn't care that he was the Commander of Garden. They were long past their positions at this point. Maybe he was lashing out, but Laguna deserved it. His whole life Squall had been alone and hurt and confused and it was this man's fault.

I did search. As soon as I learned that Raine had died, I sent teams to Winhill—all over the world—searching for Ellone. I thought I'd have a better chance of finding her if I stayed president, because I had so many more resources. But there were so many orphanages after the war, Squall. And so many children without any documentation. Ellone told me that if anyone had come searching for her, Edea would have lied to protect her. She'd known about Ellone's abilities and she probably would have found any kind of Estharian team suspicious. With good reason.

I thought I was doing the right thing. I had teams continuing to search for Ellone up until just recently, when she showed up on the Lunar Base. I never stopped looking for her. I suppose I never found her because Edea had hidden her away on the white SeeD ship, to protect her. I know none of that matters to you, and it doesn't change anything, but I did what I thought was the right thing. I thought I was doing everything that I could.

I spent years worrying about Ellone. And if I'd known about you…

Squall, I'm sorry. I know that's not good enough, but I am. I'm so sorry. I should have been there for you and for Raine and I wasn't. I kept thinking that eventually they wouldn't need me in Esthar and I'd be able to go home. I'd never wanted to be president and I just kept telling myself, one more day and then I could go home to Winhill. But then the notice about Raine finally found its way to Esthar, months and months too late. And I realized how stupid I'd been. If I could go back, I'd have refused to be Esthar's president. No, I would have sent for Raine, because with Esthar's technology, maybe they could have saved her. I think about these possibilities every day of my life. And after Ellone told me about you, I…

I don't even know what to say to you. Except that I'm sorry. And that I know it's too late and that nothing I do can make things better. I can't even begin to imagine what growing up must have been like for you, and if I could, I'd…

Ellone told me about you the moment we met up again. I knew who you were when we spoke about the Time Compression mission. I hadn't wanted to upset you then, knowing what you were going into was so dangerous. I also hadn't wanted to let you go. But that wasn't my place and so I tried to do everything I could to give you all the best chances possible.

But the moment I saw you, Squall, I… It's ludicrous because I don't know you and you probably hate me, but I do love you. And I'll support you if I can, in whatever way you may need. I know I can't make up for not being there the last eighteen years, but I would like to be part of your life now. I don't have the right to ask that, but I've already failed you so much up to this point. Just realize that I'll be whatever you need me to be, even if that means you never want to speak to me again.

It's okay. Whatever you want is okay.

I'm sorry.

- Laguna

Squall read the email. He read it four times, even through the angry tears that he wiped away before they dared to fall. And it hurt just as much every time he did, while also compounding his anger. Laguna was right—he didn't have any rights as far as Squall's life. He didn't know him and Squall didn't want him to. "Love?" Bullshit. Squall didn't believe a word of it. All Laguna had done was impregnate his mother and then leave her to die. He didn't "love" him—he didn't know him! Squall was nothing to Laguna! Just as Laguna would be nothing to him, Squall decided. He'd made it this long without any parents, he certainly didn't need them now.

Laguna was right on the mark—he never wanted to see or speak to him ever again.

And that's exactly what he told him:

Don't email me about personal matters any more. If I could, I'd never see or speak to you again. I don't need or want you in my life. Just leave me alone.

He sent the email, shut down his computer, and locked down every throbbing emotion that wanted to burst free.

oooooooooooooooooooooo

A/N: I really hate how this website formats stuff. Oh well. Anyway, Squall finding out about Laguna has always been something that's fascinated me, and every fic I've found that addresses the subject never seems to take it seriously enough, or take into account the very obvious issues Squall had growing up in canon as an orphan. I dunno, I just figured that Squall probably would take the whole thing a lot worse than is often portrayed, as people seem to forget the emotional outbursts he tends to have in the game as well.

Also, if you guys could leave reviews, that'd be great. I realize this fandom is rather dead and that what I'm writing is probably more for myself than anything, but feedback still helps. Thanks, guys.