In a completely different fashion to teenage slasher movies, the story finished at the end.

To be honest, Shinji Ikari was feeling more confused than Adam and Eve on Mother's Day. Having arrived in the centre of town, he had noted that there seemed to be a clone army fighting a vicious street battle against a race of small, grey aliens.

Shinji frowned and said to the sky, "But I didn't even eat any magic mushrooms."

His musings were cut short as a barrage of laser guided Tiberium chem-missiles streaked overhead and humourously detonated a Ferrari, causing its owner to stop talking on his mobile phone and look dumbfounded.

"Never give up! Never surrender!" squeaked a Meemit as it rushed past with a squad of its comrades, all of them firing machineguns at the emotionless clones. Shinji frowned and scratched the back of his head, before squawking in alarm as a nearby explosion threw him to the ground.

"Great, just great," Shinji groaned helplessly, flailing his arms and legs like a wind-up Diver Hero Action Man toy. "It can't get much worse than this."

"Heya everyone!" shrieked a nearby voice that was accompanied by an out-of-tune guitar. "We love you all! Here we go! MMMBop ba du ba dop / Ba do bop ba du ba dop…" The painfully familiar chords began.

"Damn, I'd like to get my hanson whoever's singing that song," cursed Shinji. He gasped and rolled out of the way of an oncoming JSSDF battle tank, watching nervously as it swivelled around and crushed the long-haired musicians beneath its iron-shod tracks. The band's agonised wailing filled the air but were quickly cut short.

"Sounds better than when they sing," commented Shinji idly, hauling himself to his feet. Suddenly, Ikari felt his eyes bug as the details of his next challenge forced themselves upon him.

"My God," he murmured in astonishment. "Over the last few days I've been attacked by a gigantic rat in a battlesuit, set up a cocaine empire in the middle of Tokyo-3 with a warm water penguin as my partner, witnessed DJ Croft's testicles rise further into his body than I thought was humanly possible, been involved in a gunfight with mercenaries from a Columbian drug cartel, rescued a severed anus from the confines of a pine tree, escaped a city-wide manhunt and landed in the middle of a war between aliens and clones, but this takes the cake."

He shuffled his feet nervously.

The eighty-storey tall penguin stared down at him with undisguised fury.

"Hello, Pen-Pen," Shinji said weakly, feebly attempting to hide the suitcase full of money behind his back.

With a roar, Pen-Pen brushed aside a skyscraper and irritably swatted aside some helicopters that were warily circling him like wasps around a cottage pie. The monstrous bird stepped forwards, each impact of its flippers against the ground resounding like an earthquake.

Pen-Pen swept a squeaking Shinji up into his flipper and glared at him with baleful eyes that displayed an awesome amount of raw penguin fury, this insignificant human who had tried to flee with his money.

"Pen-Pen, I can explain!" shrieked a terrified Shinji, desperately trying to pull away from the bird's iron grip. "It was Ramone! He wanted to – uh!"

Roaring his defiance, the building-sized penguin stomped down the streets towards the city centre.

*          *            *

The little beeping noise was becoming incessant and Kouzou Fuyutsuki was almost ready to throttle Ikari from behind.

"Commander," he grated. "I wonder if you might answer the call? It's been going non-stop for nearly forty-five minutes…"

"Hmm?" Ikari grunted noncommittally, not turning around. "What're you on about now?"

"The beeping noise," Fuyutsuki hissed in a cracked voice that was teetering dangerously on the edge of Insanity Abyss.

"It's not a call," the Commander informed his subordinate. "I'm playing my Game Boy. Smile!" He snapped a picture of the purple-with-rage Vice Commander with the miniscule Game Boy Camera. "Heh heh heh," chuckled Ikari Snr. "Now watch, I can give you a big black moustache…"

Fuyutsuki swallowed, reflecting that it was no wonder he required the constant and regular services of highly-experienced courtesans to relieve him of the insurmountable stress and pressures of his job. Not for the last time, he regretted not becoming a fireman.

"Wait a second," Fuyutsuki growled. "The little red light on your desk… it's blinking. There is a damn distress call!"

"Oh…" Ikari paused. "Well, you get it."

Grudgingly, Fuyutsuki picked up the handheld receiver. "Hello? Oh… Mr Secretary. You need to speak to the Commander on behalf of the UN?"

"Tell them I'm not here," hissed Ikari, briefly glancing up from the image of Fuyutsuki's head on his Game Boy screen, where he was industriously drawing a huge and very crude wobbly penis protruding from the forehead of his subordinate.

"Ikari's out having his butt cleaned," Fuyutsuki told the phone calmly, all the while glaring at the back of Ikari's head. "What's that? A penguin, you say? Hmm. And a clone army… oh, an alien revolutionary force, I see… yes, a disturbance downtown where a psychic boy destroyed a tank battalion by collapsing a bridge… mmm… some guy wearing a red jacket and riding a bike is hardly cause for alarm, I would have thought…"

Fuyutsuki sniffed. "Yes. No cause for alarm, Mr Secretary. No, no, everything's under control. Okay… bye bye."

He hung up. "The UN wants to dispatch the Evas."

Ikari sighed. "Ah… Shin Sieki Evangelion."

"What does that actually mean?" Fuyutsuki frowned.

Ikari shrugged mildly. "I don't know. Something like 'Rumbling Warrior Goat Cheese Lawnmower,' probably. You know how these Japanese translations always turn out."

"I suppose. What do you want to do now?"

"Not sure." Ikari pondered for a moment. "I guess I should get Kaji over sometime. That all right with you?"

"Well, you'll have to ask your mother but it's all right with me if your friend wants to stay over."

"Har har. What's on TV?"

"Dungeons & Dragons..."

"Nah… I'm not in the mood for a comedy…"

*          *            *

"Prepare to die, scum!" screamed Asuka, lobbing a Molotov cocktail into a condensed group of clones, vaporising them faster than plotlines in a porno. All around the smug redhead, buildings were burning and people were screaming, cars exploded and machinegun fire filled the air.

"You!"

Asuka turned, eyes narrowed. Before her stood a medium-sized man, clothing ragged, holding a large weapon that seemed to spit electricity every few seconds. "And just who might you be?"

"My name is Gunnar Solejski," the man snarled. "You are the pubic hair that must be shaved from the scrotum that is Tokyo-3. And I am the man who holds the razor."

Solejski levelled his tesla cannon at the girl and jammed his finger down on the trigger. A bolt of blue-silver lightning forked from the barrel towards the Second Child, who dived and rolled out of the way just in time.

"You'll never succeed, Solejski!" yelled Asuka furiously from behind a pile of debris.

"Anything's possible," Solejski replied smugly, loading his tesla cannon for a second shot.

"Anything?" Asuka frowned, sticking her head up. "Have you ever tried skiing through a revolving door?"

Solejski paused, looking thoughtful. "No," he admitted, and then looked irritated. "All right then. Some things are possible."

"Okay," Asuka said, satisfied. "So do you think it's possible for a fire-breathing robot dragon to swoop down from the sky and carry you off in its jaws?"

"No," sniffed Solejski, just as the gigantic steel beast swept downwards and, roaring furiously, snatched up the mad scientist into its metal maw before launching itself up again, vanishing into the distance, Solejski's screams fading.

"Me neither," said Asuka.

*          *            *

Kensuke's face was pinched, like an unused condom. In a fashion similar to a camel standing confused in the middle of an Antarctic snow blizzard, he was lost; this did not bode well, because it would mean that his manager, Bobby LeMora, would get to and hire Touji before Kensuke could confront his friend.

"Hey… is that you Kensuke?"

Glancing over his shoulder, Kensuke noted the subtle bodily differences that would forever separate male from female and concluded that the person striding purposefully towards him was, in fact, a girl – Hikari, no less.

"Hey, class rep." Kensuke winked lecherously.

"Don't do that," Hikari snapped irritably. "You look like DJ Croft."

"Sorry," Kensuke apologised.

*          *            *

"AaaAaaRgh!" howled DJ as Kaworu dribbled yet more candle wax over his bound form.

"Oh yes," Kaworu breathed in his soft voice. "Now let's make like a faulty elevator and get down."

"Nyyyaaah!" screeched DJ in terror as Kaworu beckoned to the heavily built bullock waiting patiently by the bed.

*          *            *

"So, what are you doing here, class rep?"

"Er…" Hikari quickly thrust the green lycra bodysuit behind her back. "Um… I'm going to the hospital, my dad's having a baby."

"Your what's having a what?!"

"Why don't you stop being a cat boner and offer a girl a lift?" demanded Hikari.

"Actually, I'm going to confront Touji," Kensuke told her apologetically. "I have to get to the… well, bottom of a problem."

"Oh. Well, I'll come if you like," Hikari offered. "I've got nothing else to do."

"What about your dad's pregnancy?" Kensuke frowned as Hikari clambered on the bike behind him.

"Oh…" Hikari paused. "Oh, there'll be other pregnancies. He's always having babies."

"I… see," Kensuke said hesitantly, then made the bike roar louder than a constipated Vin Diesel on the toilet in order to cover his discomfort. "Well, let's go then."

*          *            *

Rei Ayanami poked her head out from behind a ruined wall. Pulling back, she frowned slightly, pondering. "Why am I crying?" she asked herself softly.

"You did take a bullet in the bum-bum," offered a clone.

"Oh." Rei hesitated. "Yes."

" Master Solejski is dead," the clone continued. "The task of glorious conquest falls to you, Mistress Ayanami."

"Yes," Rei replied with a hint of sarcasm. "Well, in fact –"

"Ayanami!"

Rei turned and witnessed Asuka rise like a fluctuation in Afghanistan's stock market. "I should have known you were behind this," the redhead snarled. "How many times do I have to flush you before you go away?"

"Well, actually…" Rei attempted.

"Save it! I'm going to end this… now!!"

Asuka launched herself with typical anime grace and, screaming her lungs out, barrelled into the blue-haired girl, knocking her to the ground. The clones and Meemits stopped fighting and turned to look at the struggle. The Meemits cheered at Asuka's apparent victory.

The redhead stood smugly over Ayanami, assault rifle pointed down, ample chest heaving from exertion. "So, Wondergirl," Asuka snickered. "What did you think of that? What's going through your mind right now?"

Rei pondered for a moment. "I am thirsty."

Asuka frowned. "That's it? I stand on the brink of a victorious social revolution, having crushed your clone army, and all you can tell me is that you're thirsty?"

Rei shrugged. "I wish for a drink of water."

"Well, don't worry, Wondergirl." Asuka gave her a feral grin. "In the new city I will build from the ashes of this one, everyone will be equal and free! No-one will ever need water again!"

"Do you speak," Rei questioned, "of building a city that lies deep beneath the sea?"

The Second Child hesitated, but before she could bite out a reply, the ground heaved.

*          *            *

"Get back! Get back!" Touji screamed, clutching his head. He stumbled about and mumbled incoherently, reminding the army colonel that watched him of Tom Jones on stage.

"What's the matter Tetsuo? Does it hurt?" the colonel demanded in his gruff voice.

Touji sniffed, wiped his nose and absently hoisted his crotch up a little higher. "Well, yeah, kinda. But why do you keep calling me Tetsuo?"

The jock turned and gazed over the Tokyo-3 sports stadium and wrapped his red cape tighter about him, grimacing as his chest heaved spasmodically again, then howled in agony as his body began to bulge once more.

The searing blast of heat that sizzled past his face brought him back to his senses.

Touji turned around furiously.

"Toujiii!!!"

Suzahara snarled when he saw who it was.

"Kensukeee!!!"

Gritting his teeth, Kensuke Aida fired the laser rifle he had mounted on his shoulder, blasting Touji's arm off. Hikari stood behind him, worried.

"Aargh!" Touji howled, flailing the bloody remnants of his arm about wildly.

"I'd just like to congratulate you on your recent promotion to adult film stardom, Touji!" snarled Kensuke, taking aim again. "Now, if you'd be so kind as to pull the knife out of my back, you'll probably need it to stick into someone else's…"

His voice trailed off. As the jock's mutations began, Kensuke allowed his jaw to drop. Suzahara was going through more changes than a cheerleader at an expensive dress shop.

With a bestial roar, Touji's body exploded outwards into a gigantic mound of flesh and gristle…

*          *            *

The ground groaned and heaved. Clones and Meemits were thrown from their feet. Rei and Asuka clutched onto one another, their feud forgotten for the moment, surprise etched on their faces. Touji's massive bulk rolled in before them, growing larger by the second, clone warriors screaming as they were absorbed into the volatile mass of flesh.

Kensuke and Hikari scrambled up alongside Asuka and Rei.

"That's Touji," the class rep panted as she tried to catch her breath.

"Suzahara?" frowned Rei, gazing up at the writhing blob.

"Did he get new shoes or something?" asked Asuka carefully, critically eyeing the jock.

Kensuke coughed. "No, he mutated."

"Oh." Asuka paused, then yelled up, "Hey, Suzahara! Nice face… what are you going to do when the baboon wants its arse back?"

"Now's probably not a good time for that," Kensuke admonished, unslinging his laser cannon again.

"AaaRghHh!" howled Touji in a throaty voice so choked with phlegm it would have rivalled the personality of Robbie Williams in slime and pungency.

"Toujiii!!" screeched Kensuke.

"Kennn… sukeee!!" bellowed Touji, the tones laced with fear as he lost yet more control. Buildings and streets were being absorbed and crushed for ten blocks all around him. "Hikari's… pain… is insiiide meee!!"

Hikari looked over to Asuka and shrugged.

Then, there was a distant roar. The four companions stopped and stared, and the Meemits and all the remaining clones began to scatter in fear, randomly firing weapons and rockets in all directions.

*          *            *

"Look, Pen-Pen," Shinji offered in what he hoped was a conversational tone. In truth he was terrified out of his mind and wishing the gigantic bird's salmon breath wasn't making him so queasy. "I know this whole thing got off to a shaky start, but I had to run when I saw the cops there, you know I wouldn't have abandoned you…"

Ikari squawked when Pen-Pen hopped down a slope. He still carried the suitcase of money and grasped desperately at it as the force of the landing forced it to fly free of his grasp.

"My money!" howled Shinji, clawing at the air like a Cthulu. "Nooo!"

The notes fluttered away on the breeze like a fanfic writer's hopes and dreams of ever making it into real print.

The gargantuan penguin strode into the heart of Tokyo-3, clutching a screaming Shinji Ikari in its flipper, knocking over buildings and swatting aside helicopters like The Bachelor disposing of potential wives.

*          *            *

"Is that what I think it is?" queried Asuka warily to Hikari.

Hikari was still a little disoriented from the events of the past few days, and frowned as a hallucinogenic vision of a studly yak seated on a Harley Davidson danced before her eyes. The animal revved the bike and beckoned for her to climb on behind it. "First," she said carefully, "you tell me what you see."

"A giant Pen-Pen climbing a skyscraper and holding Shinji, whose trousers have turned brown."

"No," snapped Hikari, relieved. "That's just crazy." The class rep turned away to go and flirt with the biker yak that was still smirking at her from the depths of her delusion.

"Well, it's happening," Asuka insisted.

The yak vanished. "Damn," cursed Hikari.

"You can say that again," murmured Kensuke, whipping his head back and forwards, trying to watch both the ascent of Pen-Pen and Touji's constant mutation.

"The helicopters are coming," pointed out Rei quietly.

"And firing at Pen-Pen," added Asuka.

"And now he's falling," continued Hikari, shielding her eyes.

"Right here," finished Kensuke.

The four of them stared at one another and blinked as Meemits and clones screamed and fled for their lives.

*          *            *

"I see," Ritsuko said icily. "You have an explanation for the penguin, the clones, the aliens, the psychic mutations and Aida acting normal. And you expect me to believe this?"

"Shinji, Asuka, Rei, Touji, Kensuke, Hikari and Pen-Pen are all sitting in the infirmary," said Misato wearily. She had bags under her eyes; if she had sat in an aeroplane the stewardesses would have asked her to put them in the overhead compartments. "They'll tell you the full story."

The doctor marched down the bland, white corridors of NERV, towing the mentally exhausted Major along behind her. When she stopped at her office door, Ritsuko had to wait patiently while Misato treated her to an impromptu performance of respiratory harmonics, puffing and wheezing as she fought to catch her breath.

Once Katsuragi had achieved satisfactory control of her lungs, the doctor slammed her fist down onto the button and her door hissed open. They were all there: Shinji with new trousers on; Asuka, not wearing her military fatigues; Rei minus her army of clones; Touji, with no sign of any tentacles; Kensuke, still looking as smooth as ever in his red leather jacket; Hikari, still licking her lips over the thought of the hallucinogenic yak; and a regular-sized Pen-Pen. They all stared up at her.

"Right," demanded Misato. "Tell Ritsuko exactly what you told me."

"Hang on," said Ritsuko. "Maya!" she snapped at the office in general.

"Yyyyyyes, sempai?" Maya replied sweetly, sliding up to Ritsuko's side seemingly from nowhere.

"This is important, Maya. Make sure you take it all down."

"Of course, sempai."

"And Maya?"

"Yes, sempai?"

"Put some clothes on. You're naked."

"Of… course, sempai. I hadn't noticed."

"And one other thing?"

"Anything for you, sempai."

"Go away."

"Right, sempai," Maya snapped, twirling about and stalking disgruntled from the room, her bare feet slapping the floor.

As Maya left, a battered Ryouji Kaji staggered inside, a slight frown etched on his features, as if he wasn't quite sure what he had seen. He leaned back, to look out down the corridor where Maya had gone.

"Kaji!" snapped Misato. "What're you doing?"

"Well," Kaji said with his usual sloppy smile. "Thereby hangs a tale. See, I was in the NERV officer's toilet, and guess what I found? The Commander's log!" He fell about laughing.

"Kaji, your pants are on backwards and your breath stinks of whiskey," Misato pointed out. "And you have lipstick stains all down your neck. Plus you smell of cheap perfume."

"Do not," said Kaji airily.

"He's off his nut," Ritsuko observed. "I have something for that."

She mixed up a brew at her Tiny Tot's Mad Scientist Set and said, "Here, drink this. Vitamins and hormones."

"What's the difference between a vitamin and a hormone?" Misato asked curiously.

"You can't hear a vitamin," replied Kaji knowingly.

"All that aside," Ritsuko said irritably. "I'm still waiting with bad breath to hear this story of yours."

"You mean bated breath."

"Whatever. Spit it out, Shinji."

"Well," the Third Child began hesitantly. "I was being carried by Pen-Pen…" here the penguin glared up at him hatefully, "… when Touji had a gigantic mutation. I mean, he rose like ten stories in this gigantic big spike shape, and he was swaying around everywhere…"

"Mmm," Touji agreed.

"Yeah. Then Pen-Pen lost his grip," Asuka butted in. "And fell."

"He landed right… on… Touji."

Ritsuko stared. "You mean…"

"Yes," Shinji said carefully. "Before he could change his shape, Touji went right… er…"

"Up," said Rei.

"Yeah… up… Pen-Pen."

"Oh," Ritsuko said carefully.

The penguin shuddered visibly and its flippers went instinctively to its feathered anus, which was visibly throbbing. Touji shifted uncomfortably on his seat, not meeting the bird's eye. He still smelled faintly of stale bird droppings.

"So…" Dr Akagi paused uncertainly. "Then what happened?"

"Pen-Pen puked. Big time." Hikari coughed nervously. "I mean, he puked his guts up."

"That is why he is small again," Rei interjected in her soft voice.

"And Touji was what got puked up. He was back to normal."

"Just like that?" Ritsuko asked incredulously.

"Passing through the lower bowels of an arctic waterfowl is a stressful experience and not one that I would wish on anyone," Touji said indignantly. "Be glad I just lost my psychic powers and not my mind."

"I… see." The blonde scientist turned to her purple-haired minion for help, but she was busy crossly pushing Kaji away.

"I can't, Kaji. There's… someone else," Misato was saying.

"Not another lampshade," the spy grumbled.

"You never said what happened to the…clones." Ritsuko frowned, turning back to the Children and the children.

"Suzahara absorbed them all," replied Rei, staring at the scientist with unblinking scarlet eyes. "There are none left."

"Were they really clones?" asked Shinji curiously. "I mean, could we really do that?"

"Of course not," said Rei and Ritsuko at the same time. They looked at one another. "It must have been… a fluke," said Ritsuko.

"Yes," said Rei.

"Like the metal dragon that ate Solejski."

"Yes."

Ritsuko sighed and collapsed onto the couch, wondering when this madness would end. Asuka took advantage of the situation and turned on the television. An image of herself on the news appeared, marching alongside a column of Meemits, machineguns firing.

"Hey, it's me," the redhead exclaimed.

"What happened to all those little grey things, anyway?" Ritsuko frowned.

The group watched the screen as Asuka climbed atop a pile of burning cars crying, "Meemits of the world, unite! You have nothing to lose but your chains!"

The miniscule aliens fired guns and cheered at the proclamation.

"Oh, I'm sure they're still around," Asuka replied carelessly. "Like any good revolutionary force, they've been trained to go underground when something unexpected happens."

*          *            *

Bobby LeMora gleefully rubbed his filthy hands together.

"We," he said smugly, "are going to make you a star. That bum Aida and whoever that other guy was don't even compare to you."

Mimo grinned in anticipation, giving the thumbs up to LeMora's new film crew, who were all small, round and grey-skinned.

*          *            *

"You know," frowned Kensuke, "I haven't heard anything from my employer. I wonder if I'm still on the payroll."

"Are you still mad at me?" Touji asked.

"Nah."

"Me neither."

Hikari and Shinji yanked their friends back before they could kiss.

"I wasn't going to," grumbled Touji.

Shinji turned to Hikari. "Push Kensuke back in case Touji tries to poke him with his love-truncheon," he said.

"What a damned three days it's been," groaned Misato, rubbing her face wearily.

"And we can still look forward to going back to that scumhole apartment," added Shinji gloomily.

"You didn't make enough money to rebuild, I take it," queried Ritsuko.

"No, I got… mugged," Shinji muttered, glaring at Pen-Pen, who flipped him the metaphorical bird.

"What about you, Asuka?" asked Misato, cocking her head to the side. "You never ended up getting a job, did you?"

Visions of a patch of flaming rubble that had once been a very particular Burger King restaurant until it was hit by a Meemit anti-tank missile danced before Asuka's eyes. She sighed as she lovingly remembered the devastation she had caused, as well as the act of planting her former manager on the burger grill, showing him a new meaning for the words, 'hot cross buns.'

"No," she replied with a serene smile.

"Well, I don't have any money either," Misato grumbled. "I stayed home for the last few days. I kept hearing the strangest noises coming from the apartment…"

"Hey," said Asuka suddenly, jumping up.

"What?" said everyone excitedly.

She turned to Kensuke. "Did you say before that you have an employer?"

"Mmm." He glared at her suspiciously.

"So you have a job?"

"Well, not any more," he snapped. "I was only there for three days."

"How much money did you make?" the redhead demanded.

Kensuke lounged back with an easy smile. "Oh… somewhere around the vicinity of… four million!" He burst out laughing.

Asuka's ensuing evil cackle sent icy shudders up and down the spines of everyone present. "I think I'll collect now," she said.

"Uh?" Kensuke's eyes went so narrow it would have been impossible to push a piece of horizontal paper through the gap between them.

"Remember back in chapter 1? We made a bet!"

"A… bet?" Kensuke whispered, turning white.

"Mmm-hmm. If you couldn't make me laugh, you owed me your wages for three days. Remember?"

"No," Kensuke lied desperately.

"Aida," ground out Asuka, her own eyes narrowing, "there's nothing that gets the blood pumping more than holding a nerd's head in your hands, staring into his eyes and watching the light fade from them as you tighten your grip on his neck…"

"Er…"

"She's serious," hissed Touji.

"I…"

"Aida. Now."

Weeping a million tears of sorrow, Kensuke Aida emptied his pockets and surrendered his money as per the bet. "One day, Sohryu, you'll pay," he ground out bitterly.

"And now I have the money to do it with," she replied sweetly. "You can go floss your teeth with my butt-hair, Aida."

Misato booted a groping Kaji heavily in the groin with her steel-tipped boots, causing him to hastily back off, bow-legged and wheezing. Smiling broadly, she yanked Shinji and Asuka into a hug. "Well, congratulations to both of you. It looks like we're going home."

*          *            *

With enough melodrama to make even Siskel and Ebert sick, it was raining as Shinji, Asuka, Rei, Touji, Kensuke and Hikari made their way across the concrete streets of Tokyo-3. Despite the weather, their hearts were free, like AIDS immunisations.

"So what happened to your getup?" Touji enquired of Kensuke as they stamped through the puddles.

Kensuke Aida bitterly pushed his black-rimmed glasses up his nose and wiped away a dribbling booger with his sleeve before hitching his trousers up even higher, oblivious to the long section of toilet paper that was stuck to his shoe and dragging along the ground.

"Had to sell it," he mumbled. "The bike too."

"How come?" asked Hikari.

Kensuke sighed. "My former employer had a lot of money invested in the… project I was involved in. When a stray missile destroyed the room holding all the tapes I'd made, he demanded compensation."

"That's too bad," Shinji told him sympathetically.

Kensuke shrugged sadly, then brightened. "Well, I may not have any coolness any more, but at least I have Dungeons and Dragons role-playing! Who wants to review my Half-Orc Berserker, Gromlish?"

"No thanks," everyone said in perfect, hasty unison.

"What did you do at that film studio, anyway?" asked Touji as Kensuke disappointedly replaced his D & D attributes sheet.

When Kensuke looked at him, his eyes were filled with a terrible sadness and longing. "Nothing…" he sighed, and turned away.

Touji shrugged nonchalantly. "Okay."

The group reached an intersection.

"Well, this is where we part ways," Touji said.

"What're you guys doing now?" asked Shinji.

Hikari turned and grabbed a startled Touji by the lapels. "Now," she snarled, "it is time for the post-adventure hot lovin'. If this scum can handle it, that is…"

"Yes, Mistress Horaki," gasped Touji, stumbling as he was dragged roughly down the street.

"That's right!" came Hikari's voice as the pair of them slowly faded in the haze of rain. "Now, whose wrath do you fear?"

"Yours, Mistress Horaki!"

Kensuke coughed lightly. "Well," he said.

"Yes," Shinji replied quickly.

"We'd better be off, too," Asuka added, grabbing Shinji and pulling him away.

As the two pilots left, Kensuke glanced over at Rei, who was in turn looking at her watch.

Go for it, tiger, Kensuke told himself. She's a loser, just like you. Go, you fool.

"Rei…" Kensuke began.

Suddenly, a bright red Ferrari pulled up to the curb and with a screeching of tyres, sprayed Kensuke with gutter water.

"Hey, Rei," called a good-looking young man from inside. "You ready?"

"Yes," Rei said solemnly, and opened the passenger side door before climbing in, much to Aida's disbelief.

They sped off without another word, leaving Kensuke Aida standing alone, dripping wet and smelling of stale faeces and cheese snacks.

"Well," he sighed. "Looks like I'm alone again tonight." He brightened suddenly. "Alone, that is, apart from… myself."

Whistling a merry tune, the biggest nerd in the universe headed home with a skip in his step at anticipation of twanging the wire.

*          *            *

Thus, all that remained was to hook up Shinji and Asuka in a bad WAFF scene.

"baka shinji" said Asuak she was mad.

"DAmn I hate it when shes like this but i sort of dont" thought Shinji to himself.

SLAP!!!!! "Ow!" yelled Shinji

"Tha'ts what you get for being a baka!" told Asuka.

"Oh, for God's sake," grumbled Shinji. "Let's not do that any more."

"Right," agreed Asuka. "Every time I read that kind of writing I feel like gouging my eyes out."

Amidst the hissing of the falling rain, Shinji Ikari and Asuka Langley Sohryu gazed at each other under the faint, warm glow of the streetlight that dispelled the darkness around them.

"Asuka…" murmured Shinji.

"Y… yes?" replied the redhead hesitantly.

"I… I know that it's been hard. For both of us. B-but…"

"I… I know, Shinji. It's all right."

"Huh?"

"It's… all right," Asuka whispered, leaning in close.

Shinji gazed at her, reflecting how her much her wet locks looked like nose hair after a sneeze. "I know, Asuka. I know."

Fade up, music.

Their lips met for the briefest of moments that seemed like eternity for the two of them before Asuka pulled away. "Asuka," Shinji murmured.

"I'm so sick of melodrama," said the redhead with a sigh.

"I thought it was okay," protested Shinji mildly.

"Knock it off, Third Child," retorted Asuka. "If I want your opinion I'll give it to you. That scene was utterly clichéd."

"But it's practically a requisite these days," sighed Shinji. "Oh well."

"Mmm."

"Well, I'd have to say that this is one of the most screwed up adventures we've ever been in. It was completely incomprehensible and made very little sense at all."

"Fits right into the Evangelion theme, then, doesn't it?"

"I guess," pondered Shinji. "After all, all's well that end's well."

"Yeah. They even got the bullet out of Rei's bum-bum."

"And you believe me now that excitement follows me around, right?"

"Ha!" Asuka chortled. "In a word, no. Tell me a joke."

"Er…"

"Now."

"Well… um… there was a bear and a rabbit in the woods. Um. Doing a… er… you know…"

"Pooh," Asuka said impatiently.

"Right," Shinji said hurriedly. "They were doing a pooh together. And the bear says to the rabbit, 'Do you ever find that the, um, pooh sticks to your fur?' And the rabbit says, 'No.' So, um, the bear picks up the rabbit and uses it to wipe his, er...um..."

Asuka glared at him.

"I could tell you another one," Shinji offered weakly.

"You know," sighed Asuka. "I really can't think of any more funny similes or metaphors to finish this conversation with. So I'm just going to say a real one, okay? The Ass Loaded With Gold Still Eats Thistles."

"Okay, Asuka. Now that was puerile."

*          *            *

One more final…

Pen-Pen, failed drug lord and easily defeated giant monster, had escaped the confines of the newly rebuilt Katsuragi apartment as Misato had invited Kaji over to 'study' and between them they were making more noise than a goth metal band at a Feminist meeting. The penguin was seated on the grass behind the building.

A groan caught his attention from a nearby bush. Curious, Pen-Pen wandered over and found… Ryouji Kaji, squatting down low and heaving.

"Ohh," he moaned as he caught the penguin's eye. "Misato isn't letting me use the toilet. That woman gets so kinky sometimes."

Pen-Pen shrugged.

"By the way," Kaji began innocently, "do you find that pooh sticks to your feathers?"

Pen-Pen shook his head.

"Good," said Kaji.

______________________________________

Hot buttah! That's the end, no more. Next up from me is a more serious one focussing on the Children being kidnapped. It's already under production and I'm pretty happy with it so far. It's called Absolute Terror Field, which I'm sure has already been taken by another fic, and if not… consider it copyrighted. Er, to GAINAX. You'll see it at a later date. Maybe the Evas themselves will actually make an appearance.

I hope you liked the story. I tried to make it funny. I tried to make it weird, too. I don't know why, but, well, that's why I'm called Renegade. I am a maverick. I won't be constrained by society's rules, friends, I live by my own.

Spank you, and good night.

RENEGADE

Disclaimer: I do not own GAINAX or Evangelion. However, I do own a Sony Playstation 2, a $300 leather jacket, a Warhammer Bretonnian army, a Warhammer 40,000 Space Marines army, an official England World Cup soccer shirt, several DVD's, an impressive collection of movie tickets and a really cool soccer ball. Seeking Australian girl with same interests.