Disclaimer: No.

As I fell from the gate onto what felt like a beach, I had never felt more in control. Tumbling cutely onto the soft, yellow sand, I smiled to myself. I didn't see anything else to do, so I pulled out a roast beef sandwich-tasting agate and began to eat it with my large, hard, sharp teeth. As I crunched, I started building a snail out of sand, in a carefree manner. I was just finishing up when I heard the sound of a ukulele being strummed in a perfect chord. Of course, I didn't know which chord. I never really learned music.

A high, slightly lilting voice accompanied it. I will not be writing the lyrics here because I am not stupid. I started eating my sand snail (sprinkle-flavored, if you must know), and the singing stopped.

Crumch smack nom snarf ulp nom cronch cronch cronch. Hulp narf spack smack crumch cronch crunch.

I'm not a very clean eater. I heard footsteps behind me, approaching slowly and warily. I smelled…was that pink diamond? It certainly smelled like that. Quite a large amount too. My mouth started tarring. Which is the same as watering, except that my spit is basically tar.

"Hey, are you alright?" The voice belongs to a short, stocky, curly-haired boy who must be using pink diamond perfume because hoo boy is that starting to get heady. He's wearing a pink shirt with his universe's code on it: a blunted star. So this is the most important thing in this universe, huh? Interesting.

I looked up, sand and agate crusted around my face, and pulled out another snack from my sylladex. It was an amethyst. In retrospect, I should have just waited. As I lifted the crystal to my mouth and bit into it, the boy looked at me with a 'what in hell did you just do, you crazy POS' look. I swallowed and said,

"Hi. I'm Regina." To my surprise, the kid just started running away from me, crying hard. The smell of pink diamond retreated. I looked at the rock in my hand, shrugged, and ate the rest of it. Again, eating food in front of this small boy was not the best idea, apparently.

I regretted my poor decision even more when he arrived one minute later accompanied by several warrior women and one warrior girl.

I froze. Like a demon deer in headlights.

THE SMELLS! Oh my god, there were so many. It was like putting your weak human nose in front of a giant essential oil diffuser. Speaking of noses, I suppose I should pause and explain mine.

It looks like a 'regular' human nose, quite large maybe, tinted black with what would look like pores or freckles all over. It has no giant holes on the bottom, instead applying those freckles to act as tiny, narrow-but-deep nostrils. Do not touch it.

Anyways, the smells. I could smell the subtle tomato of garnet, swirled through by pepper and blueberries, like a fusion of the three scents. The tall, thin, birdlike woman had silica poison all over her, the only rock I couldn't eat. And, of course, the fruity grapes and candies smell of amethyst. The heady, sweet, sugary diamond smell was coming from the stomach area of the boy.

Safe to say, they were all lucky I wasn't hungry, or there would be quite a crummy juncture.

They were also all carrying various deadly weapons. Before I could say, do, or explain anything, a whip lashed out toward me, covered with purple sharp bits. Before I knew it, I was trussed up like a damn turkey. I started crying, naturally.

Of course, this was not all done in silence. I can only figure out what a language means if I'm listening. If I'm not listening, then it's just gibberish. Lots of yelling and battle cries were going on, including my own high-pitched screams.

Anyways, when all was said and done, a very tall and curvy woman with high levels of pigment in her skin menacingly walked over to me. I was scared and blushing at the same time. The smell of tomatoes, blueberries and peppers was coming off of her as her giant boxing gloves disappeared in a brief flash of photons.

She picked up the me-burrito and set me on my feet. I attempted to protest, but I was prevented from doing so by the woman's own interrogation.

"Who are you and why are you here? Why were you eating a Gem?"

Liquid continued to leak from my eyes. I felt like shit.

"I-I'm Regina! I eat crystals to survive!" I was immediately put down. I was suddenly pissed, so I bared my teeth (all of them) and hissed in a very stress-reducing manner. Everyone flinched. I threw all of my food on the ground and ran, gaining speed as I went.

God, I was really running a lot these days, huh?

(You said it. Want a boost?) Nah, there are people around. I already look stupid enough as it is.

(Speaking of stupid, why did you throw all of our food on the ground? Now we have no food, and in an hour you will regret that.) This looks like a tourist trap, maybe there will be a gift shop?

(With crystals of reasonable quality? Please, girl. No way I'm eating that.)

You're dead. You don't eat things.

(Oh yeah.)

I was startled out of my patron conversation by the same kid yelling, "Hey! We're sorry! Come back, please?"

I was suddenly extremely angry. I stomped my foot and shouted, "NO WAY!" I turned tail (literally) and pounded down the boardwalk. Past some various human food areas that I didn't give a damn about, I found an open store that proudly bore the name of 'GIFT SHOP'. I captcha'd a bunch of souvenir crystals and paid for one. I then rushed out with my new food, almost tripping over Onion.

Of course I know about Onion. That kid's a universal constant, not unlike magic and trees. Nice kid. A little scary, but nice. He waved. I waved. Di Regina Dracones waved.

As I sat on a bench, enjoying my crap, I pondered what exactly to do next.