Konoha Master Chef

"Welcome to Master Chef Konoha. It's the first competition of its kind in our village. Home chefs from far and wide have come to enter this exciting competition. Top prize – dine free at any restaurant in Konoha for a whole year!" Sakura smiled as she looked at the crowd. The stands were packed to watch the event.

"I can't believe I couldn't enter. It's so unfair. Do you think they did this on purpose?" Choji sunk down frowning in his seat.

"Of course they did this on purpose" Shikamaru shrugged. "You'd bankrupt all the restaurants in Konoha if you won. Don't worry, you've got a in with one of the competitors."

Sakura went back to the microphone. "It's time to introduce our distinguished judges. First up, our very own fifth hokage, and my mentor – Lady Tsunade!" Tsunade walked up and waved at the crowd. She took the first chair and sat down.

"Second up, When he's not watching Orochimaru, his hobbies include gardening and growing vegetables and herbs. Please welcome Captain Yamato!" Yamato walked up blushing at the attention. He nodded at the crowd and quickly went to his seat beside Tsunade.

"Third up. This man is no stranger to food. Our resident powerhouse Choza Akimichi!" Choza came out beaming. He waved at Choji and Shikamaru while heading to his seat. Choji crossed his arms in annoyance. If his father wasn't a judge he could have entered himself.

The lights grew dim and a spotlight fell on Sakura. "The moment you've all been waiting for. The contestants. First up." Sakura blanched as she looked at her cue card. "You may remember him from the Valley of the Gods and the Fourth Shinobi World War – Madara Uchiha"

The lights fell on Madara Uchiha. He had on a dark blue kimono and white pants, his long hair billowing behind him. "I don't just dominate on the battlefield – I dominate in the kitchen."

"Wait – what?" Tsunade interrupted. "Aren't you dead? What are you doing here?"

Madara shrugged. "Meh. What's dead? It's just a state of mind after all"

"No, you're actually dead. Why do you want to win a cooking competition? The prize is food. Do you even eat anymore?"

"Irrelevant" Madara boomed. "I like to win."

Tsunade put her head between her hands. "Sakura…."

"Actually Shishou, the rules specifically don't state that the dead are not allowed to compete. So let's continue on. Next up – Konoha's Sublime Green Beast of Prey – Might Guy!"

Guy flashed his winning smile. "My food will always keep you in the springtime of your youth!"

"It's true! His green smoothies have kept me at peak performance!" Rock Lee yelled from the crowd.

Madara looked over at Guy. "Aaah…it's you. Respect." The two men bumped fists.

Tsunade shook her head. "I can't believe this…"

"Aah…Tsunade. You've been saucy with me ever since I cut you in two. That was so ten minutes ago. Look, Guy's gotten past our last dance."

"Life's too short to dwell in the past" Guy grinned.

"You are from the past" Tsunade muttered.

Sakura cleared her throat. She needed to get this back on track. "Our next contestant hails from Konoha. The Hidden's Leaf's own missing nin – Itachi Uchiha!"

The spotlight fell on Itachi, who was donning his Akatsuki robe. "I like to cook eggs."

"Itachi?" Sasuke looked up from his near doze. He frowned. "Can't come back from the dead to visit his brother, but comes back for some stupid cooking competition" he whispered to Naruto.

"Our next contestant also comes from Konoha. She's gone from acting like a pig to cooking them. Please welcome Ino Yamanaka!"

Ino glared at Sakura. "Shut up forehead." She turned to the crowd and struck a pose. "My cooking doesn't need a jutsu to take over your mind." She winked at Choji and Shikamaru.

"Go Ino!" Choji cheered. If she won, she promised to bring Choji along to as many restaurants as she could.

"Our next contestant likes to go out with a bang. Quite literally. The missing nin from the Hidden Stone Village – Deidara!"

Deidara threw three clay birds at his feet which exploded with a large flash of light. "My food will cause an explosion of flavour, yeah!" He looked over at the other contestants. "Itachi's here? Dude was the worst cook in the house. He burns everything!"

Itachi glared at him.

Deidara leaned up so that he was leaning right next to Sakura. "How's it going hottie?"

A deep flush filled her face. "Oh hi" she said shyly.

"Oh my God…are you watching this" Naruto poked Sasuke. "He's flirting with your girl!"

"Oh whatever. She's too smart to fall for that" Sasuke mumbled. He turned his gaze towards Sakura. She was still smiling at that blonde idiot.

"Stop your piss poor flirting, and get back to your job" Ino yelled.

"Shut up pig!" Sakura yelled. She straightened her dress and looked towards the audience once again. "Next on our roster, is a man of many talents and bodies. From the Hidden Leaf Village – Orochimaru!"

Yamato's face paled. Tsuande leaned over to him. "I thought he was still under surveillance?"

"Aaah…I thought so too. I'm not sure how he entered this competition. I thought ANBU was going to watch him while I was here. I guess not hey?" Yamato looked at her worried.

Tsunade shook her head.

"My food will slither into all of your hearts" Orochimaru stated, his long tongue slipping out of his mouth and licking his lips.

"Is that guy human? He looks strange" Madara asked Itachi. Itachi just nodded.

"Next on our list is – " Sakura stopped. "Well this is a bit awkward. The next contestant is a missing Sand Nin that I killed. Welcome Sasori of the Red Sand"

Sasori did not smile. "That was not a nice introduction." He pulled his cloak tight around him. "I pull no strings with my cooking."

"Ok enough" Tsunade stated. "I know for a fact this man has no real stomach, no real mouth, and hasn't for most of the time he was STLL ALIVE. What is he doing in a cooking competition?"

"Cooking calms me" he coolly stated.

"There are no rules about dead human puppets, Lady Tsunade" Sakura stated.

"Well of course there isn't! What kind of weird rule book would we need for all these people? Reanimated, Puppets, Half snakes, Criminals…"

Sakura cleared her throat loudly. "Well our last contestant is from the Hidden Leaf Village. He never lets competition bug him. Please welcome Shino Aburame"

Shino stood there with his cloak pulled up high around his mouth and sunglasses on as per usual. "There is a lot of buzz about my food, and it's all true."

Yamato turned to Tsunade. "I'm legit scared to eat that guys food. He's going to feed us bugs I know it."

"He bothers you, and not all these other freaks? We'll be lucky if we're not all in the hospital by this evening" Tsuande grimaced. "Look at this group. Four of the eight contestants are dead. One is not quite human anymore but more of a snake. One is full of bugs. Out of everyone, Ino and Guy are the most normal. And you know Guy is anything but normal."

"Hey!" Guy protested.

"Senju's" Madara muttered.

Sakura clapped her hands. "Well this concludes the introduction portion of the show. Now let's get onto the exciting stuff. The cooking! You will have three challenges. First is an individual challenge to show us your signature dish. Two people will be eliminated after that challenge. The next challenge after that will be a group one. Four people will be eliminated after that challenge leaving two people left for the final challenge. We'll be asking you to really wow us with your dishes for that one. Does everyone understand?"

The group nodded.

Kakashi walked in and sat down with Sasuke and Naruto. "What did I miss?"

"Oh boy! Lots Kakashi sensei. There's eight contestants, but four of them are already dead. Madara's been trolling since he got here. Sasuke's brother Itachi is here, but he never told him, so he's pissed. Deidara is here, and is flirting with Sakura. Sasori's in the competition even though he's had no organs for ages, so we don't know how he knows how to taste anything." He looked at Sasuke. "What did I forget? Oh yeah, everyone is scared of eating Shino's food cause they think it might be full of bugs."

"Oh boy. I'm glad I didn't sign up to be a judge." He turned and grinned at Yamato. "Having fun up there."

"You knew didn't you….Kakashi. You're not normally one to turn down a free meal."

"I can neither confirm nor deny. I'll just say, I'm glad I finished my paperwork to come watch."

"Ok everyone. It's time to begin!" Sakura announced.

A/N: Cause I felt like writing something entirely silly, and I love when I see characters all mixed together that I normally wouldn't see together. Sigh, I miss a lot of the Akatsuki! Next Part – Challenge 1 – Signature Dish!