A/N: Hey.

I live...mostly. Got a few new scrapes and cuts and broken bones, and oh, did I mention I may or may not be ill again?

...these trolls are really getting me down again. Of course, now there are people complaining about me complaining. *laughs bitterly* Throw in the holidays, the hurricane approaching Florida, and no one's really reading. Which really throws a wrench into my whole daily update thing. Still, I made a promise, so here we are. I've been doing daily updates-double and triple sometimes, as well-for a whole month now. That used to make me proud, to feel like I was making people happy. But...nowadays...

I'll be blunt, if folks don't like this-and it seems they don't-I'm not going to devote myself to it.

Still, I wanted to give those that DID review a chance. So I tried, despite the pain.

Because nowadays I get flames. Cruel...nasty, vicious flames...

...and that makes me a sad boy.

Many asked whether this was set in Fate Zero or Fate Stay Night, and well, this chapter answers that. And remember. Exile!Naruto and Alter!Jeanne aren't very nice. They will cheat, they will gang up on their enemies and they will BURN you if you cross them. They're basically one step short of the true Villain. They'll do whatever it takes to win. They find some methods distasteful of course, and though there IS a line they won't cross, their goal is to win. Quickly. Viciously.

Before Beast comes crashing through the worlds and rips their universe a new one.

...but neither they nor Beast are what some have come to dub as the True Threat. No, they're the big bad lurking in the shadows. No, Beast isn't the endgame. He's just someone who thinks he's an unstoppable force of nature. In reality? He's no True Beast. Not the real enemy watching, waiting, laughing as everyone weakens themselves in wars across the multiverse.

You'll see that chap soon enough. Sooner than you might expect. Rest assured. You'll never. See them. Coming.

SO by all means, vote in your reviews for who you'd like to see. Make yourself heard.

Oh. Speaking of which. We get our first Servant death right about...NOW.

"We will win."

"And our enemies will burn."

~A Most Unlikely Exile and Avenger.

Kill Or Be Killed (Interlude)

Diarmuid did not die well.

One moment he'd been waiting at the waterfront; as per his Master's instruction. And then everything went wrong. His goal had been to wait here and reveal himself, thereby drawing any hiding Masters and their Servants out into the open. The docks were a perfect place for this, at night, certainly. His only companions here were empty shipping containers and a crane. There were no civilians to distract, no obstacles to avoid. He had but to stand in place and await the arrival of the enemy. It would be inevitable, or so his Master claimed.

He told himself he was prepared; that he'd taken everything into equation.

You see, Diarmuid wasn't here for a wish, or any such tripe. He simply sought an honorable duel. A lord to fight under, and a Master to serve. It was a good goal. A noble purpose, to be sure. The plan was slightly less so, but he accepted it out of necessity. One couldn't simply storm into Fuyuki City and start waving a weapon around like a madman. That was a fine way to attract the wrong sort of attention. That was alright. So long as he could fight a noble battle, Lancer was willing to make sacrifices. Surely other heroes would sympathized and wish to do battle accordingly.

He would fight, and his Master would remain hidden in the shadows, out of sight.

Unfortunately for poor, poor Lancer, Kayneth's precious plan would work a touch too well.

He spent all of five minutes waiting after he revealed his presence, blazing prana for any servant to sense.

The first sign that something had gone terribly horribly wrong came when he heard Kayneth's scream in the distance. Diarmuid was only just turning to face the sound when golden eyes clad in blur of shadow and flame descended upon him. At last! With a twirl of his spear, he deflected the first strike-saw and readied himself for a retort of his own. Then his tether to his Master was cut viciously short, leaving him reeling. Vulnerable. His mouth opened to shout as tried to raise his weapons, to no avail. He'd been weakened, and though he had yet to fade, though he manged to fend the Servant off...

"One down."

...he was still exposed.

Honed steel rammed through his shoulder and punctured his heart, turning his hopes and dreams to a bloody gurgle of despair. Bright eyes widened and he turned, alarmed to find the Servant's master behind him, blade in hand. Stabbed through the back. It was not at all what he'd imagined. In a single flourish, they tore their weapon free, leaving him to slump to his knees. Already his vision began to dim, his form fading as death and a lack of a Master took hold of him. His right hands struggled to raise a weapon, to strike one final blow, but the Servant woman stomped down on his fractured palm and crushed it to dust.

And all hope was lost.

As he looked on in despair, Kayneth's body was flung at his feet.

It was this final insult that broke Diarmuid.

Did they truly wished to trample his earnest desire so badly? He hadn't bore them any ill will until this moment. But they'd beaten him. Broken him. Not through any sort of honor or any battle prowess, but simply tried an' true trickery. Damn him. Damn her. Damn them all. Let the grail be cursed. He hoped all their hopes turned to ashes in their mouths. DAMN THEM ALL!

"Curse...you...filthy...curs...

"Good night, Lancer." Jeanne purred.

Her sensual, sinful face sneered down at him in his final moments.

Jeanne's blade beheaded him mercilessly; bisecting his skull and sending it tumbling into the drink.

"Oh shut. Up."

"Nice one, Master. One down~!"

He couldn't help but high-five the unholy maiden.

"You certainly work fast, don't you?"

A muscle jumped in Naruto's jaw, but he stubbornly fought it down and flicked a one-fingered salute over his shoulder at Avenger as he worked. The corrupted woman gave a small smirk, stepped over the ruin that had once been Kayneth, and took up a sentry position to protect his back, just as they'd agreed.

And so he continued his work.

Traps weren't necessarily his forte per se, but he was skilled enough with them. Enough to prepare beforehand and turned the docks into a killing ground. Any Servant who wandered into their trap would be in for a nasty surprise. They'd already killed one tonight. With luck, they'd off one or two more before the rest realized the ruse. Or maybe they'd all rush in. Like lambs to the slaughter. That'd be nice. The war would end quickly that way. A small, bitter smile plucked at the corner of his mouth at that thought. If some scoffed at him for his practiced pragmatism, then so be it.

Some said killing came easy when you stopped caring.

A lie, of course. It just...came.

In this world it was kill or be killed. Anyone who said otherwise was a filthy liar. Acting? Mercy? What did those serve him? He'd tried talking to the Beast. Oh, how he'd begged and pleaded. Nothing came of it. No. You had to kill your enemies. Kill, kill, keep killing them until they were dead. If someone wasn't with you, then they were against you. Life was better when you dealt in absolutes.

Jeanne peaked over his shoulder, drawing him back to reality.

"Oh, that looks like a nasty piece of work. Nice." her head bobbed in agreement at the lethal explosives he'd been cobbling together. "You a specialist or something?"

Fine. He'd indulge her. This time.

"Not really." carefully, he attached one device to a shipping container, then another to the ruined crane draped over the docks. "Just something I picked up after coming to this world."

Jeanne's smile was savage. "That seems oddly...specific."

"Remember, do you part-

-and I'll do mine." Her eyes rolled. "Blah, blah, blah. Jeez, you really want that wish, don't you? Almost warms my heart."

"You don't have a heart." Naruto grouse.

With his back to her, he missed the dangerous gleam in those golden eyes; by the time he turned to face her, it was already gone. Still, she dutifully accepted the next explosive he handed her and placed it accordingly. It was a dull task, but it gave her something to do, at least. For the first five minutes. Unfortunately once the preparations were complete, there was nothing left but to wait.

And that meant questions. "Who pissed you off that much to make you go this far?"

"Don't you have anything better to do than bother me, Avenger?"

"Not really." she smirked. "I just wanna screw with you."

A beat of silence pushed itself between them.

...you do realize I can take that in the wrong context."

The snarky Alter sneered as she sashayed off.

Abruptly, she paused. "Uh, Master?"

Naruto didn't answer; he'd already drawn his blade and began cleaning it. As such he didn't sense the sudden and rapidly approaching beacon of mana. But Jeanne did. With her senses stretched to their limit, she was all too quick to notice the way the water buckled in the distance; as if some large and terrible creature were stirring under it. A small shudder of revulsion rippled throuhg her.

"I'm not in the mood.

"No, really, its-

"Shush."

"I SAID INCOMING, YOU BLOND BASTARD!"

And the ground erupted into a mass of writhing tentacles.

Credit where it was due, Naruto's explosives did their work and more, whatever eldritch abominations their enemy tried to summon from the beyond died swift and horrible deaths the moment he unleashed the detonator in their faces. Great roiling clouds of napalm shredded them to pieces, kicking up a viscous black haze that utterly obscurred their vision. Not satisfied with this mundane level of destruction, Jeanne unsheathed her blade and let a wave of hellfire sweep into the blaze, further incinerating whatever remained.

"Greetings!" a redolent, ghastly voice screeched into the haze. "Ohhhh, how god has blessed me!"

Jeanne made a squelching sound. "Oh, what the flying duck."

Naruto arched an eyebrow. "I believe you meant-

"Shut up! I know what I said!"

The man was an absolute horror to look at; bulging eyes emerging from a sunken face like a corpse, clad in a sanguine flowing spattered with blood and a black cassock. He was wholly, utterly filthy, covered in the bleak remains of the creatures he'd summoned. And yet...he was smiling at the two of the. A wild, beatific grin that looked more in place with that of a saint. Not this hideous, vile madman clutching a bloodstained book to his chest. By comparison, his Master-whom Naruto noticed immediately lurking further back, was utterly ordinary.

The Exile didn't even He didn't even register his features beyond orange hair and purple clothes. Jeanne only groaned.

"Behold, Ryunosuke! the man-Servant?-screeched in euphoric joy. "Look how the lord has blessed us!"

"Um, cool...?"

The False Maiden of Orleans planted a hand against her forehead and blew out a breath. Maybe if she ignored them, they'd just give up and go away. No such luck. The moment the man laid eyes on her she knew she had absolutely no chance of escaping this battle with some semblance of her sanity intact. Behind her, she could see Naruto stepping up to her side his sword to strike-

"JEANNE!" rather than attack, Caster-this could be no one else-all but threw himself at their feet. "My most holy maiden! You have returned! And in a new form! Oh, happy day!"

Yeah, that was definitely Gilles de Rais sobbing into her shoes. What the hell had happened to him? He looked-felt!-wrong. Through her jumble of memories she expected a knight in silver armor, someone prattling on and on about the lord...not...whoever this was. But those bulging eyes were all too familiar and she wouldn't forget that voice for the world. He would've continued blubbering at her feet if she hadn't kicked him, too. Bastard.

"Be quiet! You're embarrassing me, damnit!"

From his place at her side, Naruto had a prime view of the spectacle that came next; when the young Alter turned beet red and promptly drove a heel into the wailing face of her fellow Servant. The poor man didn't even deign to dodge, rather, he accepted her angle wholeheartedly. Grinding her boot against his putrid visage, Jeanne was the most flustered he'd ever seen her. He witnessed the precise moment that anger and humiliation turned to thoughtful arrogance. He...wasn't entirely sure he liked that look. Least of all when she sheathed her sword.

"Oi, Gilles?" she purred. "Kill that idiot Master of yours, would you?"

Caster didn't hesitate.

"At once!"

Ryunosuke didn't even have time to blink before Gilles raised his spell book and thumbed to a new page. Narrow eyes widened as a grasping tentacle burst from the ground and seized him by the waist. Up he went. Down he came. In a single blow the summoned creature struck his head from his shoulders. Poor sod. Seemed like it was his fate to die no matter the timeline. Jeanne didn't even spare his crumbling body so much as a passing thought; for the gears in her mind were already turning.

"Now form a contract with this one." she grabbed her Master by the hand, heedless of his grimace.

Gilles practically saluted on the spot.

"Certainly!"

Naruto grimaced. "What? No!"

The protest was entirely halfhearted and they both knew it.

"C'mon," Jeanne prodded him with an elbow when he jerked his arm free from her grasp. "I know you have more than enough energy for it. And," an embarrassed flush colored her pale cheeks, "I-I don't feel like wasting mine on this idiot. Besides, this way you'll have one less enemy to fight. That's good, right?"

"..."

"Indeed!" Caster offered a grandiose bow and knelt in one fluid, impossible movement. "I, Gilles de Rais, do humbly swear myself to your service! Say the word, and I will gladly massacre thousands in your name!" He all but cackled. "Let us show the world true blasphemy!"

He'd gone mad. There was no other explanation for this. He was insane to even consider this.

But in this world, it was kill or be killed. He knew that.

So he would be doing the killing.

...fine." Naruto found himself choking out the word, hissing as the contract snapped into place between the two of them. "But you're not allowed to murder any more children, Bluebeard. Do you understand? If you have to kill people to summon those...things of yours, then find them elsewhere. Understand?"

Jeanne and Gilles each arched an eyebrow.

Neither objected.

Damn them.

Ugh.

If he hadn't made a deal with the devil before, he certainly had now. He quietly resolved to sacrifice him at the first opportunity. Still. This was an accomplishment. With this, one Servant was down and the other had been forced to join their side. Four to go. He should be happy. But he wasn't. And he knew the reason. Because it wasn't enough; because he wasn't satisfied. Because he wanted to kill again. It almost made him laugh. He was to terribly desperate for his wish that he was willing to cast aside his sanity as well. Just what had he done? What would he become, if it meant earning his second chance? But he knew the answer to that, too.

A small, bitter laugh tore its way out of them.

"Right, then. Lets go hunting."

...he was a monster.

A/N: Well, well, well~!

If this chapter came off as unhinged, that was...intentional.

Exile!Naruto's not someone you want to go up against. He's not sane.

Would you look at that? First time I used Gilles and Diarmuid in a story and one's already dead.

Remember, this bastard outright admitted to cutting through dimensions at one point. He can cut just about anything, short of a living soul. If he'd been a bit more clever with the way he fought, he could've beaten Beast. But alas, he wasn't and he didn't, so here we are. He's likely to use Gilles and just

To quote our boy, "Two down."

He doesn't consider Jeanne an enemy.

The other previews you saw will make their way into the next chapter, rest assured.

Classes are open, so by all means, cast your votes. Because this going to get all kinds of crazy. Who is who, I wonder?

Please let me know if you like it. Means the world to me.

Felt damn good to write this one at long last.

So In the Immortal Words of Atlas...

...Review, Would You Kindly?

Sorry, no previews.

That'd be telling.

...bah, just two.

(Preview!)

"Ha. Haha. Hahaha! Yes, that's right! We'll burn them all!"

Laughing, Jeanne grabbed Naruto by the face and kissed him soundly on the lips.

...I hope you enjoyed trampling me."

Bloodied and battered, she raised her flag.

Archer had half an instant to see it, to watch that flag unfurl.

He had even less for what came next; for then the world went red. "La Grondement Du Haine!"

~Nz.