A/N: DOUBLE UPDATE DAY! HERE WE GO! Depending on how this goes, you might even get a triple.

WARNING!

ALTERNATE UNIVERSE AHOY!

So expect the unexpected again.

*EDIT* There we go! Let the series continue!

Could the trolls please stop? I've had to delete twenty-TWENTY!-reviews of nasty vitriol in the last hour or so and its making me upset. I've also had a rather nasty chap known as "Doom Marine" chanting at me to kill myself in the review section of my recent stories. Look if you don't believe me. Jokes on him though, that's not my real name.

*Secondary Edit*

I published this earlier, but the notification only came now? I don't know why? Notifications are being delayed again? I don't know? How many times has this happened in the last month? No one is to blame for it of course, the site just goes wonky sometimes. Really kills my drive to write though...

Because this hasn't gotten any reviews for this chapter...

Only flames...cruel...nasty, vicious flames...

...and that makes me a sad boy.

So...reviews? Please?

Pretty please?

T_T

This may be rated M later for...reasons.

Oooooooooooooooooh my Gooooooooooooooooood!

Someone just had to do it. They just had to challenge me.

Neon, they said, you have to do this, they said. For the fans. For the reviews. For the sheer unadulterated hilarity!

I've been dealing with some really heavy shit in life, but this request was so simple, so pure, so NARUTO that I just had to do it.

Well, there were also the trolls, and I DID say I'd keep putting out stories until they shut their traps. As they're still jabbering on-deleted fifty reviews full of vitriol only an hour ago-I'd say this is the perfect way to get back at them. Now, the author in question has asked to remain anonymous, so there you are. I'm not giving those flamers a chance to go after them. On another note, Kayneth will NEVER summon Naruto. Because lets face it, any proper incarnation of him would beat that smug little prick within an inch of his life. Hmm. Might be something to put in the Collection if folks want to se eit.

Once more, Naruto's class is Rider, but there's a catch this time around...!

For one, this Rider isn't in the Moon Cell, and I want to see if folks like having him around.

He's also possesses the Double Summon skill. In short he's the Rider/Caster crammed together, much like Semiramis was Assassin/Caster in Apocrypha. Yes, before anyone asks he's quite capable of summoning Toads, but his Master...well...that's going to make things a bit difficult for him.

Now! I give you a Naruto raised by Jiraiya, an unabashed young ninja who live and may have picked up some..."quirks" from the old sage. *Whistles Innocently*

Further clarifications aside, his hair is nearly as long as Jiraiya's. The pose he strikes is certainly the same.

This Naruto? He's a bit of a troll. We're talking Kakashi levels of messing-with-your-head.

He was trained proper. Properly. Jiraiya taught him everything he knew.

Every trick. Every jutsu he's ever used in battle and without.

He's a right monster in a fight.

Again, there's a catch...

"Right. That does it. I'm going to make sure you win."

"What?! You can't possibly say that! You have no idea who we're up against!"

"That's what makes it fun, Master! The excitement! The thrill! Aren't you excited about this?!"

"No! I'm not! Not at all! And why aren't you listening to me?! You're being way too nonchalant about it!"

"Hmm? Am I? You know, when you've already died once, death tends to lose its meaning for you, I suppose...

~Rider and Waver.

A Most Unlikely Sage (True)

I trained.

There was nothing else I could do; rather, there was hardly anything else TO do during those three years abroad. Well, at first, but that bit'll come later. You see, when the ol' pervert dragged me out of the village, I KNEW we were leaving so I could train. But were gone for those three years, I had an epiphany. A realization that would change my life and my path forever.

I was weak; I needed to get stronger.

No amount of stomping or whining could change this indisputable fact. I needed strength, but I absolutely refused to sell my soul to do it-looking at you, Sasuke!-but I NEEDED to improve. My limited range of jutsu...it just wasn't going to cut it. Even with the fox helping me, I'd still lost. All the talking and shouting and bragging in the world wasn't going to do me any good. I had to branch out. Learn.

Then I discovered something else.

Someone.

It was Jiraiya's idea that we travel while training. I wasn't aware that he intended for me to LITERALLY see the world.

You see, that travel plan of ours? Eventually that winding route led us back through Rice Country.

When we passed through one of the towns I bumped into an old friend.

Sasame.

It had been, what, a year since we'd last seen one another? Oh, I remembered her well enough; just as I remembered helping her with Arashi and that god-awful mess. You wouldn't think a year would change someone overmuch, but it did. She was...happy to see me. We sat and talked around the fire for hours on end.

Someone interested in me.

Someone who was happy to see me.

Someone wanting to talk to me, and me alone.

Me!

Think about it for a moment; when the only form of affection you've seen from the fairer sex involves violence...well! You tend to get a bit of a twisted outlook on things. Why shackle myself to a girl who only ever caused me harm? I would keep my promise of course; because I never go back on my word, but why pine after her when there was someone right in front me? No punching. Did I mention the no punching? They say first crushes are always the hardest to overcome, but I got over that right quick once I realized the truth.

I think...I think Jiraiya was waiting for me to realize that terrible truth. That, or he had impeccable timing.

That very night he set up me up with her; pushed both of us into a pseudo date of sorts.

It wasn't unpleasant, but I think we were both too young for that sort of thing.

Still, it lit a spark.

And so it went. I never thought to look back on what might've been.

Perhaps I became a bit...off as a result.

You see, I still believed in the ideal of true love, but things tend to get a bit complicated when women started hollering marriage proposals after a good lay and a massage. Not necessarily always in that order. Turns out I was a bit of a natural at it once I knew what I was doing. Still, distracting as it was, I had to train. And train. And train again.

But that's were things began to change, you see.

Now that my mind was opened to so many new things, I wanted to learn more. I wanted to know...everything. Not simply about girls or how the ticked, but about jutsu. How they worked. Why they worked. It was like a veil had fallen away and for the first time in my life I was seeing things as they truly were. I wasn't content to simply master the fox's power, or learn wild variants of the Rasengan. I wanted to branch out. Try new jutsu and expand my repretoire. Expand my knowledge, you know?

Regardless, he taught me everything he knew and more.

I absorbed it all like a sponge; the art of using my hair as a weapon, wicked genjutsu, creating great bogs from the earth itself, and more. It wasn't easy; I sacrificed and bled, I sweat and I cried; did everything I could not to lay down and die. That's just how difficult the training was. Even with the secret of the shadow clones it took all I had and more to learn his tricks and then bring them up to an acceptable level. Which meant, an outright mastery of them, to the point where I could do them with nearly a single seal. Yeah. Not fun, that. But it paid off, eh?

I learned the true secrets of the toads and became a Sage.

I faced the fox-Kurama!-and...talked to him. You'd be amazed by the power of words.

Once I learned that ancient art I had another epiphany. People want to talk. Shocking, I know!

Now hear me out on this!

They want to be understood, right? At the end of the day, when all is said and done, how nice is it to have someone who listens? Very nice. I would know! Be it a girlfriend, a sibling mentor, a father, or a mother; to have one who you can talk to-even if they don't wholly understand you-makes a world of difference, doesn't it?

And if I picked up a few habits, a few...eccentricities...what of it?

I was happy.

I got stronger. Much stronger.

The next time I saw Sasuke beat that insufferable bastard within an inch of his life and dragged him back home. Orochimaru didn't even have a chance to do anything; because I rabbited the hell out of there. I'm no idiot, I ain't fighting that slippery snake unless I absolutely have to.

So I threw him in front of Sakura and let the Anbu do the rest. Not my problem. Not anymore.

...he never did get to kill Itachi. When he learned the truth, it was worse. I still remember the screams.

They still haven't let him out after all these years.

You know, I almost feel bad for him. He just wanted his little brother to live, but now Sasuke's a raving lunatic.

When Jiraiya wanted to go investigate the Akatsuki on his own, I caught him at the gate. Perhaps it was fate. Or just blind bloody luck. Regardless, I spat and swore and argued with him like never before. He still refused to take me with him, but said he'd be careful. Perhaps that was why he survived. He came back missing an arm, but he was alive. He'd never use jutsu quite the same, but he was alive. Alive, alive, alive! Grandma grew him a new arm down the line, so that's aces in my book!

When Pain came back for round I fought him and talked him down; imagine my surprise when he voluntarily resurrected everyone who'd died in battle. It nearly killed him, but there you are. Once he'd recovered enough-again, Tsunade, best damn medic ever-he was more than willing to tell us about the Akatsuki. He spilled all their secrets gladly.

Itachi came back; because of course he did.

I think he wanted to see Sasuke, or barring that, die, but grandma wasn't having any of it. Once she got her claws into him he wasn't going anywhere. Never seen someone resolve to live solely out of spite. Danzo didn't see that coming now, did he? Now he'll never see anything again.

As for the rest of of Akatsuki...heh.

What do you think happened to them, hmm?

I'll give you three guesses and the first two don't count.

Aaaaaand there you have it. That's it. That's where my story ended.

I am Naruto. Lord of Toads and Sage Supreme. I never fell in love-Rikudo knows I tried-and though I occasionally knew the warmth of a woman in my bed it never felt...what's the word I'm looking for? Lasting. There it is! None of those flings endured for very long. I never found that special someone I was looking for. That's the long and short of it. Eventually became Hokage, and died at the ripe old age of eighty. The village lives on. Itachi even founded his own clan again before that illness finally got the better of him. Now the Uchiha are happy and thriving here in the leaf. So why does it feel like I missed something terribly important?

Eh?

A wish?

Sure, I have one.

I want to find that feeling again.

I...want to find someone who cares. Really cares.

Someone I can love, you know? Or someones. I'm not picky.

Someone who understands me for I am; someone who I can understand in turn.

I want to start a family of my own. What?! Is that so wrong?! Don't give me that look!

(...0o0o0...)

He'd choked.

Considering his less-than-stellar experience when it came to all things magical, Waver wasn't surprised when the summoning invariably blew up in his face. Dismayed to be sure, upset as well, but even he hadn't been wholly unexpectant of the whole thing falling apart in the first place. He knew on some level that the summoning had gone terribly, horribly wrong. When your catalyst was little more than a scrap of scarlet cape, who knew what might emerge, if anything at all? He was trying to summon a hero after all; he'd staked everything on this opportunity. If it failed...

Noxious white smoke roiled free from the summoning circle and spilled out into the forest clearing, bringing with it naught but silence.

"H-Hello?" he stammered out into the dark. "Is anyone there...?"

No one answered his humble plea.

He'd failed, then.

No. The young magus ruthlessly steered his thoughts back onto the proper path before they could derail him once more. He could do this. He would do this. He'd been chosen by the Grail and had the Command Spells to prove it. So he should've summoned something, even if it took a few seconds to arrive. This had to work. It would workohgodwhyamisodizzy?

His magic circuits burned and the world shook.

One moment the forest was eerily silent, as though it were holding its breath; like the calm before a storm. Then something landed as though flung from a great height; their arrival rattled earth and stone alike, uprooted trees and sent them spinning to the ground like matchsticks. The raw impact knocked the boy right on his arse and as such, he found himself gaping at the new arrival.

"FINALLY!" a thunderous voice ripped through the clearing like a thunderbolt. "Do you have any idea how long I was waiting?!"

Waver blinked once.

Then...thrice.

Five times.

"What." he managed eloquently. It wasn't even a question. "The fuck."

Because there was suddenly someone standing there amidst the smoke, arms folded before their broad chest. Indeed, he found himself face to face-more like gazing up, really-with a young man nearly a head taller than him. Wild blue eyes gazed back at him, crinkling slightly alongside whiskered cheeks. Shaggy blond hair spilled down his shoulders in an uncontrolled mess, a spiky mane only narrowly reigned in by a crimson headband wrapped around his forehead. Clad in orange and black, in crimson cloak, with a giant scroll slung against his back, the newcomer gazed down at him.

Bemused blue eyes gleamed oddly bright in the waning moonlight.

"Hey, there!" a lone arm rose in an effortless wave. "You're the one who summoned me, right?"

Waver released a breath he hadn't even been aware he'd been holding. The newcomer's smile was positively infectious, he almost caught himself returning it, even.

"Are you...Rider?"

"Nope." the Servant shook their head. "Never heard of it. I'm a Sage."

Waver found himself given pause.

Although his knowledge of the Holy Grail war was admittedly limited in scope compared to the other Masters, he well aware that Sage wasn't a class. Saber, Lancer, Archer, Berserker, Assassin and Caster, now those were the seven proper classes. Some theorized that there were other outliers that could be summoned or corrupted under certain conditions, but he was fairly certain Sage wasn't one of them.

He said as much.

...that's not a class."

Blue eyes crinkled. "Yes it is."

His brow began to furrow. "No, it isn't."

"Is." Sage smiled serenely at him, his expression never waving.

"Isn't." The magus swore. He was not about to argue with his Servant over this...

"Are you sure?"

...aaaaaaaand yet he found himself drawn in anyway, his own stubborn pride betraying him in spite of his best efforts to hold it in. On some subconscious level he knew he was being baited-or tested-but he couldn't bring himself to care. There was only the Servant before him and that sly, infuriating smile. Almost as if he knew what he was doing

"Of course I'm sure!"

That sly smile broadened.

"But are you really, REALLY sure?"

"Aaaargh!" exasperated, the young man tore at his hair. "Enough!"

"As you wish." the whiskered warrior chirruped happily. "Anything else you'd like to ask?"

Waver paused.

"Well," he ventured awkwardly," Why not tell me about yourself?"

It was the worst thing to say.

Waver had no way of knowing the mind of his Servant; they were a closed book to him. Though a Master and their Servant could communicate telepathically in theory, they couldn't read one another's mind. And for all of his blind bluster, Waver needed to know what his Servant was capable of. This was no mindless familiar but a living, breathing person-a hero straight out of the past-one capable of rational thought and likely independent action on a terrifying scale. Also, a bit of a prankster. Alright, a lot of a prankster. He was never the sort to miss an opportunity, least of all one such as this.

I think I'll torment him a little.

The Servant Known as Sage chuckled inwardly.

"Me?" he tilted his head, the ever-so-faintest smile drawing upon the corners of his mouth. You know, he almost found this familiar somehow. "I'm Uzumaki Naruto. Things I like and things I hate...I don't feel like telling you that, seeing as you're much too young." He was definitely smiling down at him. "My abilities are...well, you'll see those soon enough. My dreams for the future...classified. My hobbies...well, I have plenty of hobbies."

"That didn't tell me anything at all!"

"Of course it did." Naruto happily poked a hole in his argument. "Now you know my name."

"I...you...that doesn't help...!"

Blue eyes crinkled shut in a lazy eye-smile.

"Should've been more specific, then." came the riposte.

Oh, gods. This was going to be hell. If he had to argue with him over every other word...!

"Say," Naruto hummed suddenly, "You're kinda weak, aint'cha?"

Those words struck him like a physical slap in the face; in an instant he was back in the Clock Tower, the laughter of his peers echoing in his ears. He could see Kayneth's cruel leer clear as day as though he stood before him here and now. He could feel his leaden feet, refusing to move, helpless to do anything but stand as the man tore his thesis apart before his very eyes. His face burned and his hands balled into fists at his sides. Weak, they'd called him. Powerless. The last foolish son of a dead line. As if hard work could possibly make him anything like the rest of them. Failure, they'd called him. Low-class. Fake.

He absolutely hissed.

"You take that back!"

"Whoa, now! Hey! Calm down!" the Sage batted his hand aside and waved his own frantically as the young Master rounded on him and tried to slug him for his offhanded comment. "I didn't mean anything by it! I was just making an observation, you know! Its alright!"he reassured him. "You're not going to slow me down! I've got a way around it!"

Waver willed himself to breathe.

Reluctantly, his anger began to abate, bit by bit.

But it was still there, an angry molten core in his chest.

"Even so, that doesn't mean I'm going to give up." Waver grumbled.

At that, the self-styled Sage considered him for a long and ponderous moment.

"Alright." a fist slammed down into his open palm, causing the skittish boy to start momentarily. "You've got spunk, no more than that! You've got fire! You tried to punch someone way out of your league, just because ya thought they were talking down to you!" a toothy grin bloomed on his face. "Just for that, I'm going to make sure you win."

This decree was so wholly and utterly unexpected that Waver found himself taken back. His jaw came unhinged and much to his chagrin, he actually gaped for a moment.

Then sense reasserted itself with a vengeance and he jabbed a finger against his Servant's cloak. Naruto merely quirked a brow at the rant that followed.

"What?!" he sputtered out. "You can't possibly say that! You have no idea who we're up against! That's just reckless!"

"That's what makes it fun, Master!" Sage beamed happily. "The excitement! The thrill of the hunt! Who knows what we might face?! Some of these Servants could be women! Fierce warriors! Legendary beauties from ages long past and forgotten! I might even find a wife here! Aren't you at all excited about this?!"

"No! I'm not! " Waver snapped back, fists balling at his sides. "Not in the least! And why aren't you listening to me?! You're being way too nonchalant about all this!"

"Hmm?" Naruto tilted his head. "Am I? You know, when you've already died once, death tends to lose its meaning for you, I suppose. So what about you, then?"

The sudden inquiry caught the young magus off guard; if only because it was so...personal. Sage-whom he strongly suspected was a Rider but refused to admit it for some reason or another-had shifted gears on him with such speed that he found himself somewhat taken aback.

"Excuse me?"

Those strange golden eyes narrowed on him. "What. Do. You want."

He hung his head, dark hair shading his eyes from view. Good. In this moment he didn't want to seen.

...I want to be acknowledged." the words tumbled out of him all at once. "I want the world to recognize me, to see what I'm trying to do-

He never got to finish that sentence.

"Well said!"

A hand slammed down on his shoulder with such force that the young man physically yelped. When he dared to raise his gaze he found those blazing blue eyes mere inches from his own; for his Servant had bent down to get a better look at him. There was a high, wild light in his eyes, not particularly menacing, yet it concerned him all the same. He'd inadvertently said the one thing that could win Naruto to his side; secure a loyalty strong as the earth and fiercer than any storm.

Now, some might call Naruto flighty.

Perhaps he was, in a sense.

Especially this one.

Ah, but if he considered you a friend! That...that changed things. He'd fight for you. Live for you. Die for you, if need be. He would stand with you, through victory or defeat. It was an easy thing to win his friendship; you just had to be honest with yourself and possess some semblance of decency. If you were a good person, all the better. Waver was one of the few-if not only-mages in this war that possessed such admirable qualities. He'd never killed anyone. Never betrayed anyone besides Kayneth, but lets face it dear reader, that man is an ass and deserves everything he gets. In this moment, here and now, Waver had gained himself a lifelong friend.

Of course, he had no way of knowing any of this. He could only gape up at his Servant.

Naruto grinned.

It was not a nice smile.

"You and me? We're gonna go far, kid."

He offered him his hand. Waver seized it instantly.

And just like that, a most unlikely Holy Grail War began.

A/N: Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaand there we go! So it begins!

Sage!Naruto arrives in style. And I did warn you, he's a bit of a troll.

Think of him as a big brother to Waver of sorts. Poor kid certainly needs one.

Trust me, you are not prepared for the sheer level of shenanigans I have in store for you here. We're talking "A Most Unlikely Card" and "NGH" levels of crazy. I may be creating Darker Naruto as of late-there's a reason and a plot for that, I assure you-but there is a method to my madness.

Also!

Why the hell doesn't Nitocris or Scheherazade have a character tag in the Fate fandom?! Or Mysterious Heroine X for that matter! Somebody get on that! I feel I should also say this; THE ENTIRE ROSTER-bar one-has been changed for this war. YES, Mysterious Heroine X *Cough* Saber *Cough* is going to be in this. Felt like I've been ignoring her far too much as of late.

So In the Immortal Words of Atlas...

...Review, Would You Kindly?

And enjoy the previews!

*grins hellishly*

(Previews)

"I think I'm going to make you my apprentice when this War ends."

Waver tripped on an upturned root and only narrowly caught himself. "Excuse me?!"

"You heard me. I never got around to training one in my lifetime. What, did you really think I'd just let the Grail take me once this is done? Nooooononono." Sage's hand waved in a dismissive chop as they walked. "Not happening. Not at all. I have plans, you see, though we'll have to find a way to work around those magic circuits of yours; I'm not certain they work the same as chakra...oh, wait!" golden eyes regarded him with a half-lidded expression. "Say, kid. I've got an idea." he leaned closer. "Do you know what chakra is?"

...I'm not going to like this, am I." Waver swallowed.

"Nope~!"

"Peeeeeeeeeeeeeeeck neeeeeeeeeeeeeck!"

"What the hell?!"

"Eh, just felt like the right thing to say in this situation."

Naruto whistled softly. "I think I'm in love."

Then his opponent smacked him headlong into the air.

If his Servant was laughing the entire time, Waver pretended not to notice.

"How are you not exhausted?"

A lone finger flicked his forehead.

"Sage Mode, pal. There was a REASON I wanted to sit still for a full day. You don't have the best reserves so I've been pulling from my own."

"Did...did you just turn him into a frog?"

Sage yawned. "What? Little punk was being loud."

"I...you..the bridge! How did you do that?!"

"It was in the way."

R&R!=D